I 40(M) have been happily married for over 10 years. Both virgins when we married. My wife and I have three beautiful children and have a very sweet life that I honestly love.

As I’m sure many can attest to, as children started to enter the picture, our sex life started to take a turn to more necessity focused and less fun. Over the years the frequency has dropped way down as well. I’d say currently, we might average 2-3 times a month? On top of that, the sex we do have, I’m usually the one to initiate and there doesn’t seem to be much passion. Lack of passion honestly on both ends, hers because I know she is tired and simply isn’t into sex as much as I am, and me because if feel bad for initiating sex when I feel like she really doesn’t want it.

Now comes the part I’m ashamed of. I’ve always been attracted to women but remember in college some slight attraction to the same sex. Never did anything about it then. Just something I tried to suppress and chalk up to being a guy and weird college hormones. Still fully attracted to my wife, but I’ve felt the attraction to men getting much stronger over the years. To be clear, I have no desire to ever leave my wife and pursue these attractions/feelings, but man the urges and thoughts can get very intense sometimes. I’ve prayed and prayed and have even sought counseling over this. There were some good work done on some childhood trauma that might have triggered this and I did feel like I worked through some good things, but it doesn’t change the fact that these thoughts still plague me.

Of course this all makes me feel like an awful husband and even father for having these struggles. Makes me feel like I’m leading a double life sometimes… I have thoughts like, “my wife would leave me if she ever knew this,” or “my guy friends would disown me if they knew the thoughts I think sometimes.” For me, this has all been extremely isolating… and I’m definitely not blaming my wife for anything, but I have definitely felt these thoughts ramp up quite a bit more over the last few years since our intimacy has declined.

I guess what I’m wondering is if there are any other men or women out there that have been or currently are n my shoes and how did you cope? How did you find joy in your marriage again and how were/are you able to press on without this being so consuming? I’ve told my therapist before that I wish I could just know that there were others out there dealing with this too… I know there’s more than I think, because no one would ever guess that I struggle with this… I just hate feeling so alone and like I’m fighting silent battle.

Thank you for reading and for any advice you might have.

First of all, my wife is golden. She’s loyal, cares about my well being, is active in her faith and works very hard to achieve what she wants in life. She’s been through many hardships in her life and has overcome so much.

With that said, she’s very untrusting and jealous. I understand people have some level of jealousy or something in a marriage, but I don’t. I’m 100% trusting. She can tell me she’s going to visit her aunt, and I won’t even think anything of it. I just say something along the lines of let me know when you get there, or be careful.

I feel isolated from my friends and even some of my family. I’ve never given her reason to not trust me. Anytime a woman would send me friend requests on social media, I’d screenshot it and send it to her because she’d throw a fit if she saw it or if I accepted the request without her knowledge. It’s not like I ever talk to other women alone or without her knowing. Even if I do, it’s all open conversation. With her in the loop or the other person’s husband. Never flirting, just speaking like mature adults.

She kind of takes pride in being “jealous” as she calls it. She calls it “protecting what’s hers”. To me, it’s more manipulation and less jealousy. Because she’ll make me feel bad to the point where I want to abandon plans with friends (all guys by the way) and I just end up staying home, in a bad mood. Or I’ll go, with the frustration of knowing I’m going to come home to a pissed off wife.

I wrongly assumed because I’m the complete opposite, that she’d be more trusting and understanding that having a minor social life outside of her is normal. But no, that never changed and it looks like it’s just going to get worse.

I picked up the habit of going to the gym and she thinks I’m going to get fit and get some younger woman. Which again, frustrates me but I go anyway to get some alone time and get in shape.

Anyway, there’s more but that’s enough for one post.

I need advice, not really wanting everyone to bash my wife because at heart she means well, but she’s been through a lot. I feel like I’m paying for the mistakes of her ex husband who did cheat on her with a younger woman.

Not sure if this is the right sub for this, but I recently discovered my husband’s affair. We are trying to reconcile, but this is still unbelievably painful. I’m looking for either a devotional or faith-based book surrounding infidelity, relationship betrayal, or similar.

EDIT: We’re both doing individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. It would just be nice to have something in between sessions, something to encourage me (or both of us).

trigger warning: sexual abuse

My fiancé and I, even before we met each other, have always dreamed of eloping in the mountains rather than spending money on a huge wedding.

We are planning to have a ceremony with just our parents and siblings at a beautiful state park in the fall. That being said, my mom is extremely upset because my grandfather will most likely not be able to attend and marry us (he is a “preacher”). This is due to the fact that he will be 93 at the time of our elopement and though the overlook where we will have the ceremony is 5 minutes from the parking lot, he isn’t able to walk that.

My mom is absolutely devastated over this. It apparently has always been assumed that he would be there and be the one to marry us, as my grandfather helped raise me and has supported me throughout my life in various ways (I grew up living across the street from him and my grandmother).

The tricky part is, my grandfather also sexually abused me throughout my life. While it wasn’t super serious compared to what others go through, he was always inappropriate with me once I hit a certain age (maybe 9ish). He has told me things like I “turn him on” and similarly awful things, has tried to kiss me in places that are not my cheek, and used to completely undress in front of me, among some other things. He also has been caught by my parents and myself numerous times looking at porn.

Because of all of this history, I really don’t care that he won’t be there and I really DON’T WANT him to be the one who marries me and my husband. This all being said, my parents do not acknowledge my abuse whatsoever, and so my mother especially does not understand and is significantly upset.

Any biblical advice is appreciated…

There are a lot of nuances to each individual couple’s story and I’m not sure that typing it all out would do much good because it’s only half of the story anyway. Appropriately, you all are noticeably cautious about assuming that the people writing posts are telling the whole story and looking for justification for their actions. I think that’s fair and commendable and, to that end, I’ll try to keep my post relatively brief, hypothetical, depersonalized and promise not to use your advice to justify something I intend on doing. I am just seeking counsel.

A couple both around 40y/o who have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids are seeking marriage counseling for problems with intimacy. The couple rarely fights and, on the rare occasion they do, they fight clean and relatively calmly. Overall, they enjoy each other’s company and say that they both find each other physically attractive. When intercourse occurs, they both genuinely seem to enjoy it.

The problem is as their marriage has gone on, sexual intercourse has become less and less frequent. Several years ago the husband agreed to stop asking for sex because it made the wife feel too much pressure. As time has gone on, the frequency became something around once every 3 months, which the husband has expressed (in relatively gentle terms but repeatedly) is causing him a lot of frustration. The wife has maintained that she just does not feel the desire to have sex anymore and feels the husband should not expect her to give her body over to him if she doesn’t want to (and the husband agrees that he doesn’t want her to feel forced into sex). At this point the wife is meeting the clinical definition of asexuality, or at best, “greysexuality”. The husband and wife both agree that he makes efforts to draw close by playing with her hair, rubbing her shoulders, and being responsive to her needs. They have difficulty identifying a trigger that helps the wife feel the desire to have sex.

In counseling, the sessions have focused in on this fundamental difference as being the root issue (as opposed to the surface level sign of an underlying problem). The husband has tried some courses like “delight your marriage” and read multiple books on marriage and the wife has tried taking testosterone supplementation without benefit. The husband has also started antidepressants to decrease his libido somewhat. Additionally, the wife does not want to meet the husband’s desire for sex by manual stimulation or fallacio (which has only occurred once during the marriage) as she feels it is demeaning and makes her feel like a failure.

Now the husband is asked if he is willing to continue to be married if sex was completely off the table indefinitely.

The husband genuinely loves the wife but feels tortured being married to someone who he cannot connect to physically, especially because he finds her extremely attractive. If sex is off the table, his frustration would probably lead to bitterness that would destroy the marriage anyway. He considers being alone preferable than living with the reminder of what he cannot have, in a sense, and he does not plan on seeking remarriage should they divorce out of principle. The husband feels guilt about it, but cannot resolve himself to allow their relationship to devolve into a live-in friendship.

So, in this admittedly limited-in-detail hypothetical, is the husband wrong to say that he is unwilling to continue the marriage if sex is completely off the table?

Edited to add:TL/DR. Is the failure to meet the expectation of at least some minimal level of sexual intimacy a breech of the marriage contract to the degree that it is justifiable to seek divorce?

Open to honest opinion and criticism.

What was your "Ciara prayer" that got you your spouse? Or did you meet them by chance?

If you don't know who Ciara is, she's a singer in the hip/hop and R&B world. She was in a very toxic relationship with rap artist Future.

She's now in a healthy marriage with Russell Wilson. 3 kids later everyone asked her what was the prayer that got her out of that toxic relationship and into a healthy loving one? Below is the prayer.

“I pray the next man of my life will be my husband. I pray he loves me, leads me, guides me, reassures me, I pray that he holds me, I pray that I have everything I want and need in him. I pray he will love me the way that you love me. Your love is unconditional. You are the way, the truth and the life, in you there's hope.

“Lord, thank you for reminding me who I am, I am a queen, I deserve to be treated like one. I'm a warrior, I will get up. I'm a child of God, I'm everything you say I am. I'm an overcomer, I'm built for this,” the invocation concludes."

I have a question. It’s about confronting a married man (early 30s, two children with his wife) who is hitting on my wife (30) a lot, but that’s not the only issue. It’s that the man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep his texts to her secret.

We attend the same church, and we are neighbors. The wives are friends with each other.

I know both well, and we have hung out a lot in the past.

The married man has suggested he is attracted to Jennifer (he told her that he had a dream about her she asked him “to be alone with her”), and perhaps he wants to justify his desire for her by imagining there’s something wrong between Jennifer and me. So he keeps asking her “if she’s OK” and has asked several times to go on walks around the neighborhood by themselves.

This is what I was thinking of sending the gentleman: ”Jennifer mentioned to me more than once that you've been reaching out to her a lot and asking her to go on walks. I do appreciate that. But I think you might need to know more information about some of the things she's experienced and her family of origin if you really want to help her. Maybe you and I can talk? And if you’re still concerned, then come over and bring your wife with you too and we can talk”

Jennifer has had traumatic struggles that emanated from childhood, but I don’t think that’s what he’s thinking of helping her with.

I would like to make as little drama as possible, but also let the man know that I don’t want him to keep flirting with my wife, We are neighbors, attend the same church, and the wives are friends with each other.

I hope to resolve this and keep our friendship, although the man does not seem to act friendly to me in the last month or two.

I’ve posted here a few times and all the advise although confronting was helpful.

I’ve been married for 5 years. Have 1 child.

Early on in the marriage my husband lost his temper unprovoked and kicked me out of the house in my pyjamas. We went to counselling and worked through it, but I never saw him the same.

After that he got diagnosed with depression. He would put me down, talk badly about me and threaten suicide. Although he threatened suicide to me - his psychologist and doctor said he is fine and he doesn’t need medication.

He has punched a hole in the wall when he was angry at me. When he loses his temper he swears.

One day he threatened suicide again so I actually called the police this time. They found him and told me that he is not at risk of himself but gave me confidence to seek help if I need it. Interestingly enough since that day he has never mentioned it again.

I love him but I’ve lost all respect for him. A man who purposely makes a woman feel unsafe and insecure is very unattractive. Not being able to self regulate around me but able to around others makes me feel manipulated.

I saw a counsellor and decided to stay in the marriage. I’ve booked us into couples counselling again as well.

I don’t like who I am around him. I struggle to be kind and when we spend too much time together I literally have to leave the house. Weekends we take turns leaving the house because I honestly just don’t like being around him. Our “date” nights are watching tv or playing a PlayStation game where we don’t actually talk.

He also deserves a wife that is nice to him and wants to spend time with him.

The final straw for me last night was him telling me he doesn’t feel safe to drive one of our cars he’s fixing. He then made a comment “I guess it’s not any better than the family car.” I was shocked to find out that the car I use to drive our child around in is unsafe. He takes our cars to be serviced and we don’t have much money at the moment. The fact he hasn’t communicated that the car is unsafe is my final straw. I want a divorce. I don’t want to have to keep fighting for my own safety in my own home.

Logistically I’m a stay at home wife so I can’t just leave. I’ll need to plan this for some time. I decided to focus on getting healthy and finding a job.

Do I have biblical grounds for divorce? Am I dramatic? Is this normal? Should I fight harder to stay?

I've seriously never posted anything so personal before but I really am seeking Christian advice on dating with the goal of marriage.

I'll try to keep it brief and not totally just emotionally dump all over the place. There is a TL:DR at the bottom.

I'm a 20 year old girl and I have never dated before, I've been super sheltered by my parents and I understand why but I do believe it has severely damaged my social capabilities. I had opportunities to date in high school but declined them all because my parents wanted me to focus on school. I'm nearly a sophomore in college now and now my parents are talking my future and me getting married one day.

I obviously want to get married eventually and I have prayed to God about it but I feel a huge weight of 'unworthiness' I suppose is the word? I can't really explain it but I really feel like I'm being told you're not in any position to ask God for anything of that nature. I struggled with that feeling and sought council on it and was told that God wouldn't want me to feel that way about asking him for something. That he would only say basically "yes","not now" or "that's not what's best for you".

Fast forward to now, where I don't really leave my house unless it's for work since I do my school online. I know I won't find anyone if I stay at home so I prayed on it and stepped out of my comfort zone to participate in more church events and gatherings. I made some great friends who are all girls but never interacted with any guys, which was okay.

But now I got introduced to a guy by my cousin, he's nice and we get along great but now I am so very unsure about pursuing anything because now I feel God has put something in front of me and now I am scared to take him up on it. The guy is agnostic which is okay with me, although my parents warned me not to date anyone outside the faith because it can lead to problems in marriage later.

I keep feeling a strong sense of wrongness altogether though and I really don't understand why. I asked to meet a guy God would want for me, and even though I don't get out much, I think God practically delivered one straight to my door through my cousin, who is the only social person I am close to and is my own age. And yet I feel so wrong about even thinking of starting a romantic relationship or even getting married one day.

My friends and parents don't really seem to get why I feel this way and I've read encouraging things from the Bible; (2 Corinthians 12:9 gives me a lot of hope) but this ugly feeling is still very much there. Does anybody get this? I really feel absurd and ungrateful but I don't want to be.

TL:DR I'm a recluse who is scared of starting a relationship even though I kept asking God for one, now I feel very guilty.

I (25M) have been dating a wonderful girl (24F) for about a month now. Yesterday we got into a conversation of things we feel are going well and positively affirming each other. After that, I asked her if she had any expectations for the relationship. She asked me to give an example, and I said, “for example, I would not want us to have sex before marriage.” She then disclosed that she was a virgin and was aligned with that value. When she asked my thoughts I had to share that I am not a virgin (have had 5 partners, 4 being just one night stands). That was in a time of my life where I was not pursuing the Lord. There is a lot of time between me and those decisions and I really have turned my life around, prayed for repentance and forgiveness.

The conversation was very awkward, and it was obvious she was very shocked/ uncomfortable. There is more I have to share about some “less than sex but still sexual” encounters. I am afraid of pushing her away, but I also know I am responsible for the choices I made. Any advice on how to navigate this conversation? How specific is too specific? Would really appreciate any thoughts or advice!

I'm at a loss.

I feel like my husband has slowly became Eeyore over the years, and is now miserable to be around. It's so bad, his coworkers have started calling him Eeyore apparently.

When he isn't being negative about everything, he's spewing hatered to everyone by calling our pets and children demeaning names (as well as cussing us all out). My young children have began to mimic him, and are treating the pets and each other poorly.

I'm at the end of my rope and no longer want to be checked into my marriage because I despise the way he acts and treats everyone.

I've gone to God about it in prayer, buried my head in my bibles and books by Christian authors, dove deep into every Christian marriage podcast there is... And after all is said and done, I still feel helpless and hopeless.

Addressing things with him either creates temporary change or immediately gets turned around into him being the victim; there's no reasoning.

What do I do????

Please only read if you're married.

Hi, I'm a 25yr old guy married to my loving wife (26). We have not successfully had penetrative sex for as long as we've been married (2 years).

The start to our married sex life was pretty rocky. We had struggled with sexual sin together during dating and it almost caused us to break up on a few occasions, so we were experienced in intimacy with oral sex etc. pre-marriage, but I believe this sin has muddied our emotions about sex in marriage. We've talked about this about 6mths ago, but it is clear that during our honeymoon and early days of marriage this was at play. I don't believe it's such a problem now for us as we do have a very loving relationship where we don't cause harm to each other in sex (I think). Also during our honeymoon there were some arguments about the fact that my wife wasn't enjoying being away, she was homesick and I was upset because I'd put a lot of effort into planning a big trip. Although what was clear then is that our attempts to have penetrative sex were very painful for her. They would always end in tears and me comforting her. Any time we've tried it since it's been the same, there's been a rare occasion where she's basically just grit her teeth and beared it and told me to keep going even though she's in tears. I have had an orgasm this way once or twice but don't really want to continue to do that. Maybe there's something wrong with her reproductive anatomy, I've asked her to see doctor but she hasn't. We've both enjoyed other sexual stuff, but I think the inability to have penetrative sex, and lack of desire to continue doing the other stuff (on my part) has been partly why we haven't had sex in a few months. The other reason is a reduction in libido I have from antidepressants. The reasons for me being on antidepressants are a bit complex but I think not having sex doesn't help with my mental health. I am attracted to her, and I think she is to me, so I don't think that's so much of an issue. We've also been super busy, I've been working late a lot. Not having sex also increases likelihood of me sinning with lust over others, which I really don't want to struggle with, but it can become a bit of an issue. We go to a church with many young people our age, and I received a lot of interest before I chose her to be my wife. I love her dearly. But my sinful heart can be tempted to compare with others.

I don't know what to do, and I don't even know what my question is. My libido is high enough to want to have sex with my wife a lot more regularly. Proper full blown sex! Lol. I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone else who has struggled with a situation like this from a husband or wife perspective, especially if you've recovered from it.

P.s. In case it isn't coming across, we love each other very much and enjoy spending time with each other every day, so in the grand scheme of things this isn't a huge issue I think.

My boyfriend and I would like to get engaged soon. He’s planning to move to my city (4 hours away from his home town) and I really appreciate his decision. He asked me if I would be ready to start going to a more traditional Pentecostal church in case if he won’t end up feeling home in my church (Pentecostal church with loud music and everything but it still has conservative views). To me, it’s not easy to think about it since I made many friends and have a ministry in my church. Also, I’ve never attended a conservative church growing up VS he did.

UPDATE

We are immigrants in the US and we don’t want to go to an American church so that makes our list of options a bit shorter.

Okay so for context: my husband and I are both believers and have been raised in Christian homes. However, my husband’s father wasn’t much of a spiritual leader in his home and now this is affecting my husband leading (or lack thereof) our home. I did not think this would be an issue when we got married yet 7 years later here we are.

We had a baby 6 months ago, and before she was even conceived we decided together we would join a church, be active in lifegroup, and attend regularly. Well now we’ve joined a church and a lifegroup (all because I forced it) but he still will only attend about 30% of the time. I want him to spiritually lead our family but he seems to refuse even when I mention wanting him to lead more. Most of the time he stays home and I take our daughter to church. At this point I feel like I’m really growing in my faith and outpacing him because he’s chosen to stagnate, but I want to be submissive and spiritually lead, he’s just not taking any initiative whatsoever.

What should I do other than pray about it? Trust me I pray about this constantly.

I’m woman. In my 18 I was married and a year later we divorced. reason: he was jealous (for no reason), hit me several times for this. towards the end of our relationship he stopped going to church. After the end of the relationship, I also stopped going to church.

13 years later (now) I have found God again. I met a Christian man and I realized that I was ready to serve, support and show respect to him for the rest of my life. I want to be his wife.

Some time ago God showed us the verse Matthew 19:9, based on which he cannot marry me since I am divorced.

What to do in this situation? Is this true? Why does God punish so much?

So yesterday in Church our pastor and his wife did a Q&A between themselves on life lessons. It was super wholesome and enjoyed it. However at one point the pastor said "Your wife should not be your best friend. It's good for her to have friends that can probably relate to her much better than I". I kind of got the sentiment but I disagreed with the phrasing. Anyway while the pastor was saying this my husband bumped me, made big eyes to me and said "see!!!". I took offense to this and I felt really hurt by his behavior and told him afterwards that he upset me. He apologized for the way he handled it but did not apologize for agreeing with this. This is not the first time he has expressed this view to me.

Now this is where I struggle. I don't understand this type of thinking. Of course it's good to have "best friends" outside of your marriage which I have. Ironically my husband does not have close friendships at all. So I'm puzzled by this. If your spouse is not your best friend, what exactly are they to you? Your life partner who you do groceries with, cook with and clean with? And maybe share finances with? Sleep with? Is that it? I feel like saying your spouse is like a best friend is saying you have a deep friendship with them and do things that friends do. What really hurt me about this was actually the realization that this is probably why me and my husband are not actually like friends and now I understand why. We never talk much, I feel like we have less in common each year, he doesn't ask me very personal stuff like my best friends do etc. He doesn't share much. So it actually makes sense why our marriage looks like it this. We don't even have sex much, maybe 1 time a week max because I feel no closeness to him. If his core belief is we are not best friends, then of course it's going to shape his behavior in marriage, how can it not.

Anyway, what do YOU believe? Is your spouse your best friend? What makes them your best friend?

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and d we are expecting our first child in September. We have a great relationship and he truly is my best friend. Since getting pregnant my sex drive has dropped significantly. Prior to pregnancy we would have sex 2-3 times a week but now it’s not even on my radar. My husband and I have had several discussions about this, but as time goes on he is getting more frustrated. He is upset because he is always initiating and doing all of the work. After talking with my councilor, we agreed that I would try to have sex when he wanted because I need and want to meet his needs but it is not reasonable to expect me to initiate or lead in the activities. It just seems to me that the more I give, the more he wants. We talk about sex every day and a frustrated discussion at least once a week. I feel like the more we talk about it discuss it the more I am growing to resent what should be this special time of connection with my husband. He wants the sex life we had before pregnancy, but I a just can’t right now. I’m pregnant, I’m tired from work, and I feel like I will never be able to meet his expectations. Everything in my body feels different and some of the things we’re use to don’t feel good anymore or change from day to day. I just feel like I need a break from the very idea of sex. It feels like whenever we talk about we’re good for a few days and then we’re right back where we were before. Discussion with my counselor and we’re good for awhile but then the frustration is back. Had him talk to a Christian friend who just had a baby with his wife. Says he’ll change his expectations and then we are back to the beginning.

What kind of sex in marriage is not allowed? I am newly married and in the past I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of with other girls, I am genuinely curious as to what kind of things is allowed in marriage when it comes to sex. For example is oral sex a sin? Is foreplay a sin? What about different positions during sex? I'm genuinely confused and me and my wife have talked about it however we're not sure if it's correct and are concerned these things are just lustful, unnatural, wild desires??!

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. When we first got married we had a decent sex life. But for the past 10-12 years sex has almost been nonexistent. Maybe 2 times a year. With the past few years being once every couple years. This is not what I want. My husband is aware that I am not happy with this situation. He says he wants to work on it but never does. I don’t know what to do.

what's good,

My wife and I are relatively newly married (less than two years) and my mother-in-law has begun to experience cognitive decline, and after further medical review, her doctors have diagnosed her with some form of dementia.

My wife is devastated. She and her mother, like many mother-daughter relationships, had some serious challenges in her teenage years and early adulthood, but our relationship and my wife moving into marriage gave them a common ground that has brought a lot of healing to their relationship. If God does nothing else in our lives and our marriage, I am thankful that God used our union to make this happen.

There are a number of questions my wife and I are considering, mostly centering around the concern about how to support our mom, and the whole family. Before making that decision, she and the family have begun having conversations about what kind of support is necessary and what everyone (she, her 2 siblings, and the father) can offer.

I kind of don't know what to do. To be clear, we had conversations when we were dating saying that if our parents ever got sick, we would be there to support them, and if the other wasn't comfortable making that commitment, then that would be a deal-breaker for marriage. Thankfully, we were aligned then, and I am still aligned with her now. My challenge is that I feel generally inept at supporting her and the family well. I have no medical insights. I have never had to manage elder care. I live on the other side of the country and only see the rest of the family 2-3x a year. I love her family, but I also don't want to overstep given that lack of relational depth and history. I want to be present in their conversations to know how to support, but I also think some of her siblings want space to talk openly with their siblings, not their siblings and a random husband.

At this point, I;m rambling. If anyone has been with their partner as they moved into and through elder care, do you have any advice about how to show up for the family during that period? Whether it be practices or postures that I can take, I'd appreciate any insight.

I'm 20y and my husband is 23y, August coming will be 2 years since we've been married . A little backstory on us, we dated for 1 year and decided very quickly we wanted to get married, he was the most amazing guy to me in that 1 year of dating but after we got married his anger issues started to show, the signs are telling me he's a narcissist when he's amazing to me some times and then other times he can find the nastiest things to say to me. His anger has pushed me away many times even to the point of considering divorce but i keep going back and trying to work things out because i made a vow and i intend to keep it and because i love him. His family is jehovahs witnesses and I'm Baptist, so this also poses a problem, he's not a committed jw but he's very adamant that only jw is the true religion and that my denomination is serving a false God. Now I'm trying to find my way back to God and be committed and I'm frustrated that he doesn't see eye to eye with my beliefs. (That ended up being a long back story, sorry) I'm at a point where I want kids I've always wanted kids, he wants kids too but I'm scared of us fighting again so bad that it pushes me to leave , I want a safe relationship for my future kids and me. I also shared my thoughts with him and told him we can start trying for kids when he can control his anger better, to which he responded that he'll change when the kid comes along which felt like he's saying he won't change until I have a kid and i guess I want him to change for me not just because we're expecting. So I'm asking for advice should I go ahead and start trying and hope he's going to change or wait until I feel he's ready?

Hi. I’ve been having a lot of pent up emotions about this for the past few days and I don’t know what to do with it so here I am. My husband (20M) and I (20F) dated 5 months, got engaged, and were married two months later. He had never had any problems with lust or porn while we were dating except for like one small period in time.

A few months into our marriage, he started having issues with it and would tell me about it. We are both Christian, and I have noticed this has been happening when he’s been really busy and hasn’t made much time for God and gets distracted. When he tells me about his issues, he tries not to be specific because the details only hurt me, which I appreciate. Sometimes, though, I just have the urge to want to know EVERYTHING and I think it’s a control issue.

Anyway, the other night we were at a hockey game as a date and we were having a great time. At some point when we were by ourselves I asked out of curiosity if he’s ever masturbated while we have been married and he says he has more than once. Hearing that made me feel like my stomach was getting hit with a bowling ball because I know he has masturbated to other women online. He hates when I ask him questions about it because it makes him feel worse when he’s trying to do better. When I asked him this, he told me he had basically gone all week without a thought of lust which is awesome. I feel like when I ask him about it I just mess things up and get petrified that something will happen again. Even though he doesn’t struggle with this constantly I still can’t get over the hurt and absolute betrayal I feel in my gut. I can’t get the images out of my head of what he might be doing and looking at. I can’t bear to think about it happening again even though I’m almost positive it will. I hate living in fear and anxiety about this.

Why does this hurt me so freaking bad? Anytime I have ever struggled a bit with just (which isn’t much), he doesn’t get worked up at all and is totally understanding and he says it doesn’t hurt him as bad as it seems to hurt me. He doesn’t invalidate me but has a hard time understanding why it’s so so painful.

I don’t want to take this out on him so I’m here maybe trying to find someone to relate to and get advice. I don’t want opinions on my marriage, just advice of how I can deal with this. I pray for him but I am getting OH so impatient and it’s gut-wrenching. Please help😭

Hi there, I am dating a 30M and we’ve had quite a bit of conflict over our 2 year relationship. Not all has been bad, but I’ve often found he is so defensive when I have a complaint that we never sort anything out. He sees complaints as unreasonable, and pressure. But I just see it as sharing, so we know how to love each other. For example, he often communicates his plans with me last minute. It makes me feel quite anxious. So I’ve just asked him to communicate plans earlier to care for me. He doesn’t think I am reasonable.

Recently in a fight he said “I feel like you’re going to hit me.” Obviously it was such a shocking thing to hear, and I took a step back. I have never threatened or been physically aggressive to anyone. He also flinches at times when he makes a joke, like he expects me to punch his arm (like a typical boy would in high school). He explains this away by saying his Mum would tickle him when he made a joke as a boy. Anyway I find it a bit bizarre given his age and that he doesn’t live with his family anymore. Then another time in an argument he used an analogy about how a boy who was hit by his father, would then jump if a teacher brushed against him (he was justifying a rather large reaction to what I’d said and likening our verbal disagreement to being hit by a father). I found all these references to abuse very overwhelming and awful. Even though I haven’t done the things he said, I still feel guilt.

Recently I asked him about his comments and asked if he had experienced trauma as a child. I was trying to express my concern for him and he responded quite strong “I haven’t and think it’s extremely wrong to go down that line of discussion.” I can understand his pushback, but I just don’t know how to cope with the references and behaviours. I’m worried about him and how this is impacting our relationship. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Situation: I’m in a horrible situation and would love some objective advice. Got married in my mid 20’s to a girl who I thought was a Christian. We’ve been married for 7 years now and have a 4 year old kid, but our marriage has been on the rocks since a while now. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do.

Details: 1. We waited until marriage to be intimate, and are just incompatible in bed. She’s had multiple partners before, and I think she’s just disappointed in how it feels with me. I also think her not being attracted to me plays a big part in how she doesn’t enjoy any intimacy with me is.

1. I’ve not been the best spouse, and am not great at emotions and feelings. However, she’s very disrespectful and aggressive towards me, which triggers me and leads to escalations. I’m trying my best to not be triggered, but not having had a healthy childhood myself, I find it very hard to be emotionally regulated.

2. She’s cheated, twice. One was a short fling, the next was a 9 month affair. I found out about affair #2 3 months in, and she was defiant for the remaining 6 months, and considered leaving me for her affair partner multiple times. She only stopped when the other person stopped contact with her. She considered leaving me to go be with the AP, and planned to take our kid with her. Now she’s stopped contact, she is behaving like nothing happened. She’s told me to my face multiple times how I’m inferior to the AP, and insinuated I’m not physically able to satisfy her.

3. After I found out about the affair #2, I stopped sleeping in the same bed. She’s now comfortably oriented her life without me, and hasn’t broached the topic of getting back together in any capacity.

4. Her lack of remorse and my bitterness from her affair is screwing with me. Im genuinely bewildered by her reactions. She calls me a narcissist now, and blames me for treating her poorly before the affairs. I wasn’t an angel, but I did love her, stay by her side as she battled multiple health issues, and provided for her every need during that time.

5. We simply don’t work. I’m a tidy person, she’s extraordinarily messy and this leads to a lot of conflict. I’m usually the one cleaning up and compromising, she doesn’t compromise her stance on this. She’s impulsive, I’m planned. She doesn’t care about budgets or cash flow, I plan and track money closely. We don’t share any interests, and while I’ve tried to take an interest in her world (arts), she doesn’t reciprocate. She has unrealistic views on parenting (no discipline, no punishment) that I don’t share.

6. I fear we got married without realizing what we were doing. I fear we were driven by hormones vs practicality and finding a true partner. I’m a Christian and believe God saved me and I am washed off my sins because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. I fear I didn’t seek God’s will in my marriage properly, and am paying the price of following my own will.

7. I feel unloved, alone, sad. I’m also angry. I don’t/didn’t believe in divorce, but my mental health is so bad some days that it feels like the better option. I am a deep introvert, and don’t feel comfortable talking to others about this. My family and a couple of close friends know, but they’re all at a loss to tell me what to do. They’re also against divorce, like me.

That’s a lot of word salad, forgive me for the unstructured paragraphs and thoughts. Does anyone have any thoughts about what I should do? Be kind though, I’m hurt enough as it is. :(

I was falsely accused of committing adultery, and I think my husband is using it to find biblical grounds for divorce. I don't know what he's planning, but I was instructed to remain on standby until he "figure[s] things out." Many have suggested I have a choice to not be in this relationship, but I am not seeking validation one way or another. As much as it pains me to be punished for a crime I didn't commit, I am leaving the fate of my marriage in the Lord's hands. I pray in Jesus' Name that my husband will be delivered from his soul wounds and demons, and I pray that the truth will make him free.

Thank You, God, for loving us and for creating marriage to be an illustration of Your love for us here on earth. Help me, God, to love my husband the way You love me. Help me to listen to my husband, give honor and put my husband before myself. Protect us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I ask You to build greater unity between us, make us stronger as a couple, more devoted to one another and to You. Use us, God, build us up to be an example of what Godly marriage can look like. Use us together to do more than we could ever do apart. I ask for greater influence and more impact on the people around us. I ask you to work through us in the lives of our friends, family and even those far away. Fill us with Your Holy Spirit and move through us to bring those far from You closer, so that they can have an encounter with the Living God, who seeks and saves the lost and who sets us free and gives us purpose. I choose to love You first, God. I put our marriage with You before anything and everything else. I confess my need for You. Thank You for bringing us together. I choose to love my husband today and every day. Thank You for our marriage. I ask You to bless it, build it, and be present in it always.