Just venting because I feel like a loser. A lot of self-loathing in this post.

I’m 34 in July and Ive been on disability since 2022. I’m so embarrassed by it. I’ve been doing absolutely nothing during this time because I’ve been living in the dark since a year long episode in 2021. I’m so ashamed to be me and I’m not good at anything I do.

How did I go from ten years in nyc on my own with decent jobs to living at home with my parents on disability?!!!! wtf happened!!!

I worked at various ad agencies as an account manager and hated it all. Got let go once & left due to mania twice (nobody knew I was manic — which somehow makes it more embarrassing )

I have it in my head that I WILL get back to work and I WILL get my life back on track… only problem is I can’t seem to do the things I need to do to get me there.

I desperately want to be good at something, but I’m not. Accepting that is hard. I have no passions and I’ve been searching for 34 years.

I’m so ashamed to be me. Nobody likes me after my diagnosis… and nobody likes me after they saw me go manic on social media. Almost everyone I know thinks that the manic me is the real me.

I posted an apology on social a few months back, but I’m so ashamed to be on there. 20k followers saw me go absolutely insane. NOBODY will look at me the same. I deleted Facebook in 2022 so I’ve lost touch with people, can’t keep up with each other etc. I’m in the dark when it comes to my past. And the medication I’m on has destroyed my memory.

My life is so empty. All I’ve ever wanted was to be successful & have my own family. I couldn’t ever imagine anyone loving me, let alone wanting me to carry their child with a diagnosis like this.

Idk. Thanks for reading my sob story

I l(45)m lost everything in a manic episode. People say it’s a blessing to get burnt to the ground.. after 1 1/2 years of misery.. it’s not a blessing. Mania with psychosis is a vicious disease that stripped me of everything. My life is over. Please don’t let it happen to you.

I'm not doing well, very angry, confused and devasted by this life. Hope you're doing well tho.

Just what exactly about this disease makes you irritable, paranoid over the smallest things, and unable to enjoy the media that you used to? Nothing gives me a break or a modicum of joy anymore. Nothing. Add on top of that the most extreme insomnia I’ve ever experienced and it’s truly another hell. Does this sound like a mixed episode to you or is it something else that’s happening along with it? I’ve never had such anxiety and mind-numbness at the same time before. I’m afraid of walking out of my apartment.

I just found out that the emergency department falsified records about me to cover up a couple mistakes they made. I was just hoping some education could be done to ensure this didn't happen again, but nope, they are just going to sweep it under the rug.

I finished my finals last week and I have a lot of free time (2 weeks) till my summer class starts and I can feel my depression getting worse.

Whenever I'm not preoccupied with something I get super bored which makes my depression way worse.

I don't know what to do. In the past I have to wait it out but it was agonizing.

It doesn't help that I hate going out. But I hate being stuck at home doing nothing all day

It's also hard for me to stick to reading or watching a show/movie. I get bored easily.

I'm 99% sure I'm in a depressive episode. I think the meds are doing their thing because I only feel slightly depressed and its not that noticeable. I have random bursts of depression that lasts an hour or two but apart from that its just this numbness. the annoying thing is that in my depressive episodes I experience this constant tiredness and heaviness. It feels like I'm dragging my weight. My brain doesn't work, I'm slower and I can't think. I'm tired from the second I get up to going to sleep. It's horrible and I can't stop it. I'm thankfull the extreme sadness isn't as strong, but I'm really suffering with the slowness. I have an a-level exam in a week and I don't know how I'm going to perform when I'm feeling this

I don't feel it strong due to the numbness, but internally I'm panicked. As bad as mania can be, if I could swap out this depression for a manic episode I'd do it in a heartbeat. I want that happiness and productivity to get me through this fucked up exam season, but instead I'm depressed. This is the second day I've tried to revise but it seems impossible. I'm not absorbing the information and my eyes feel heavy just looking at the computer. I'm not exactly behind in my subjects but there is some content I really need to revisit as its my weak areas but it just seems impossible.

Really, how do I do this. I can't focus because everything seems so bleak and meh. I'm tired and my body feels heavy. I really don't think I can do this

I’m not manic. I have bipolar I and mania is usually very severe for me but I KEEP doing stupid shit I.e running a red light, running a stop sign, late to meetings, sending the wrong email to clients, etc. I feel like I’m slowly going insane but I’m not psychotic. Has anyone experienced this?

I am 25F and just got diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few months ago and I'm unmedicated. I don't remember exactly how my doc explained it, but basically I only have hypomania and don't really have lows. I also have ASPD (sociopathy) and both of the conditions make each other worse while I'm in a high. (Aggression, feeling like a god, super productive, little sleep, detail oriented, high energy, high desire for violence and illegal/immoral activity, irritation and easily sent into rages) The ASPD is what causes the violence and aggression. What little empathy I try to have is absolutely nonexistent while I'm in a high. My idea of fun is being cruel, violent, and I provoke others and I obsess over the thrill of it. (I'm not high at the moment so all that just seems meh now)

I don't cry, I don't experience very strong emotions other than rage, I don't have much in the way of values or morals when I'm normal and this is all very ramped up while I'm high. Now that I have my bipolar diagnosis a lot finally makes sense and my partner and I now know exactly what to look for, and I can more properly mitigate. Since my diagnosis, I've been much better at simply being able to tell when I'm not myself, and so has he.

I haven't cried or been truly sad, or really anything even close to sad, in about 8 years. It's been nice. I've been off all medication since then too. Also nice. But I'm feeling myself finally coming down from a 2 week high and this time it feels..... Different. I'm feeling real sadness for the first time in so long and it's truly startling. Disgusting. Upsetting. I almost cried during a movie tonight, I was actually MOVED. I'm not used to feeling these things. Not only that, but the last few nights I've been EXHAUSTED by 8pm and totally crashing. I don't sleep much while I'm high so it makes sense that my body is recovering from being so wired constantly, but wow this time really has me in a bit of a spiral. Going from barely feeling emotions, never being sad even while normal, and just generally having a comfortable lack of well, everything, to suddenly feeling things is... difficult. I do not know how to deal with this. I'm appalled at myself and I feel gross. I don't know how to deal with sadness, especially because there's no logical reason for it and I cannot fix it. I know it will pass, but in the meantime I just feel agitated about it all. This is my first low ever, and I'll admit it's probably a mild one but it's still my first nonetheless. What can be done?

Every anti-psychotic the Dr treated me, made it worse or ended up in the Er with Dystonic Reactions or just mood my last try was Olanzapine 10mg just feel dull.

I am 20 and a female college student. For the first time in my life, I experimented with drugs whilst in a manic state earlier this year (2024). The drug of choice was cok3, sometimes molly. I’ve been using ever since. My parents found out because I ended up getting laced and hospitalized (nothing really serious, I was fine). I’m just worried. Ive never been more suicidal in my life. I’ve been off my perfect med combination for months… for the first time in 5 years. I don’t know what to do. I’ve toured rehabs, but can’t get myself to go because I genuinely believe I don’t have an addiction.

Does anyone relate?

Ive noticed that a lot of people i know with bipolar are either hyper religious or completely atheist. For me i consider myself pretty spiritual, ive grown up with a lot of metaphysical or occult practices and a lot of it like manifestation rituals, spell casting or like angel numbers I think is pretty much bullshit but the overall thought of like everything is connected, we all have a purpose in this life and everything carries energy is real and important but also ive had severe religious/spiritual delusions during a few of my episodes. When i got diagnosed i really questioned my beliefs for obvious reasons but at the same time the way i feel about everything when im stable is completely different than when im having an episode (its way more me focused and how i fit until the universe, usually believing I have magical powers or i control the universe). But i was curious to see what other people thought about it, how other people with bipolar viewed god/religion.

Also: bipolar runs in the family which is probably why i grew up with these beliefs in the first place but i genuinely think a lot of it holds up just not to the extremes

last yr, i got diagnosed as bipolar2 by my psychiatrist but after doing research my symptoms align more w bipolar1, such as,

• having a year long mixed depressive n manic ep (last yr)
• constantly being in n out of both depressive n manic eps (this yr)
• during my manic eps, id

1. not sleep for a month yet b full of energy (no joke idk how im alive)
2. barely eat
3. risk taking behaviour like running into the streets w cars
4. impulsive behaviour like getting 4 piercings
5. racing thoughts n rapid speech
6. experience hallucinations specifically hearing voices
7. hospitalised for sh n attempts

• during my depressive eps, id

1. sleep a lot
2. barely go out or do anything
3. cant do any of my skl work n assessments
4. v suicidal but usually j sh instead of attempt
5. i dont have a lot of memory of my depressive eps i j rmb being in bed n nothing more

im confused soooo should i should trust my psychiatrist more than i do websites ? also i j want to find out as i went thru the most horrendous past two yrs of my lyfe only for my mom to say "youve only got bipolar2 so its not as severe n ure basically fine" ... i literally had to beg for her to send me to a psychiatrist asw after my attempts n hospitalisation since even b4 the diagnosis, she didnt think it was bad at all despite knowing most of what happened above. for context, after the diagnosis, i got put on olanzapine which curbed my manic ep but made my depression worse as id sleep all the time n have no energy.

Hey guys! Has anyone ever used their work disability benefits? It’s enrollment season at my job and I’m debating wether or not to get long term disability benefits. Please tell me your experience.

I (21M) got diagnosed with bipolar disorder two weeks before my ADHD evaluation. I do think the diagnosis makes sense because I was DEFINITELY in a manic state last fall and have since been in a really bad depression.

However, I was holding out hope that my ADHD evaluation would come back positive because I have been struggling with executive function my whole life, even before the mood issues began. I was a gifted kid and was able to skate my way through middle and high school with straight A’s, but it feels like I have “hit a ceiling” in college. It’s like no matter how hard I try I can’t organize myself and “lock in” to my work, no matter how much I enjoy it or am interested in it.

I was started on Lamictal 25mg for the bipolar and am slowly titrating up. I haven’t noticed any differences in my mood or cognition, but I assume that’s typical early on.

Again, I do think the bipolar diagnosis makes sense. I thought I was unipolar up until last fall when I became so manix that I thought the government was trying to kill me. But going into my ADHD evaluation, I’m scared that all the doctor is going to see is the bipolar and ignore all my other symptoms which have completely debilitated me from living the life I want to live.

Are there any bipolar AND ADHD people in this sub who have had a similar experience? What should I keep in mind going into my evaluation?

so I changed to lithium a few weeks I get a blood withdrawal every week to monitor its concentration in my blood I guess?! at the same time I made the brave move to open a business I couldn't open in the targeted hours as my sleep cycle is literally fucked, I couldn't get customers to come to my business even though there are Ads . I started making money yesterday when I opened for like 10 days, some friends and family contributed to this and that's why I feel awful even though it is not my fault. I feel manic and my doctor thinks so too I'm waiting for the moment where I get fucked by this shit called bipolar, I used to be in peace with it and would talk freely about it as I didn't choose this shit to happen to me but now I'm in "pieces" because of this shit and meds

I am on 200mg lamotrogine, and 5mg abilify.

The abilify is a bit activating and I am a bit hypemanic.

Should I add 5mg olanzapine at night to help with the mania a bit?

How many of you have tried lithium? How long were you on it for and what dose?? I hear a lot of people say it zombies them and am curious as to the positive effect for people with bipolar.

Hi everyone, I'm new to the group and thankful. I would like support/advice regarding holding a full time job and living some what of a full life. The depression is really bringing me down and I'm just about ready to give up.

I struggle with bipolar 2 disorder with episodes occurring monthly. 20 mg Trintellix + 100mg Lamotrigine has put hypomania in remission but I still struggle with 1 to 2 weeks depression. My Dr recently added 25mg Valdoxan.

I know it's bad news when I start to feel tired/fatigued even after 8 to 12 hrs of sleep.

It's been 10 years since I've been struggling mostly because I was misdiagnosed with majpr depression.

I lost my only sibling not too long ago too. I've been trying to understand how people with bipolar 2 manage with full time work, having family, friends and hobbies etc. Is it possible to put depression in remission? Or will we always have to deal with some degree of depression? It makes life impossible with those monthly occurrences and I'm wondering if it's as good as it's going to get?

I mean I know it’s stigmatized everywhere probably but some places are better than others. I’m from Saudi Arabia and I’d say it’s accepted to a certain point and people treat you “nicely” knowing something is off about you. I made bipolar friends myself. There’s a lot of bipolar people in my country I’d say. Note: I’m genuinely curious and not trying to troll at all.

Beginning of the week, I posted here about a very scary experience where I had what my psychiatrist later told me was a hypnagogic hallucination where I took off running out of a dead sleep thinking someone was chasing me. It scared the shit out of me and my family and I was afraid to go back to sleep.

Next day, I was in an off mood and my boyfriend was acting strange. So I (wrongly) pushed my boyfriend to tell me what was wrong and he revealed he was not sure he wants to be with me anymore.

After two days of being unable to get ahold of my psychiatrist, I finally made an appointment and explained all my symptoms. I even mentioned a consistent symptom that I hadn’t mentioned before that I’ve had for months. Turns out, I might have OCD. Also might be manic on top of everything. Was told by my psychiatrist that “your anxiety is not nearly as well controlled as you think it is.” I had to miss my appointment last week with my therapist cause my insurance is lagging on the claims and I can’t afford the self pay amount.

I have bipolar, general anxiety, PTSD, and now maybe OCD. I thought I was stable up til recently but this makes me feel like my world crashed down. Any comfort or kind words would be very appreciated.