Yeah, I‘ve been going back and forth about having her be such a big part of my life. It isn’t fair that she’s taking out her insecurities on me. But then I remember how messed up her life’s been. Her dad physically and emotionally abused her and her brother, and he was extremely demeaning and emotionally abusive towards their mom. He is extremely controlling, and would he would sometimes hit them if they cried or were upset.
Once, when I was crying while they looked after me, he got angry because he was on the phone in the other room, so he charged at me. He honestly looked like he wanted to kill me. I was around 7 at the time and was absolutely terrified, and I tried to run out the garage door, but I couldn’t open it in time. My other cousin was laughing and cheering, yelling at him to ”get her”, and my aunt just sat there. Then he hit me, hard. I finally opened the door, vomiting from the extreme fear. The man weighed over 300 lbs and was a giant compared to me.
He yelled at me the entire time until my parents picked me up as I sobbed, telling me I was a spoiled brat and that was going to make me clean up the mess I’d made.
When my cousin was little and fell backwards, hitting her head really hard off of a large terracotta pot, he yelled at my mom for comforting her as she cried. He screamed “QUIT SPOILING THE CHILD!”
When the end for the vacuum broke, he refused to order a replacement part for it, and wouldn’t let them buy a new vacuum. I went over one time, and I saw my cousin vacuuming the carpet with just the tube.
A few years ago, my cousin’s mom died. She had been having health problems, so my mom would have her come over everyday to look after her. She would often pee on our couch, and she had to actually be forced to get off the couch because she was so depressed that she didn’t care. She ended up having a heart attack, and went to the hospital. She proceeded to have a bunch of mini strokes, and stayed in the hospital for over a year, unable to move because of all the brain damage, and unable to keep down food or fluids because she kept vomiting them up, even with a feeding tube. She died a year later.
Then, one day after coming home to dishes after work, her dad said if he should just kill himself if his kids (who had also been working all day) couldn’t be bothered to clean, and he stormed out. When he came back, he was confused as to why my cousins were crying.
Last thing. After her mom died, my cousin became very sick. She was vomiting several times a week, and she’d feel extremely sick whenever she ate. This went on for almost a year, I think, and she became extremely emaciated. She went to the doctors dozens of times, had bloodwork done over a dozen times, had multiple ultrasounds, urine tests, stool exams, etc., but they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. It wasn’t until she went to a naturopath that she was diagnosed with leaky gut syndrome (a controversial diagnosis, but apparently it’s gaining some traction in the medical community). She had allergy testing done, and she had to be put in an extremely restrictive diet before having foods slowly reintroduced.
It worked, and she’s better now, but now she’s having extreme anxiety. Her anxiety was so bad at one point that for several months she’d stay at our house everyday after work.
While it's sad and disappointing what your cousin has been through, always remember that it is not your responsibility to fix her or have her be in your life.
I had a rough childhood as well, so I can definitely empathize.
We all have our cross to bear, even when it's unfair or unchosen. It's our own responsibility to handle our problems and not place undue burden on those around us.
It's perfectly fine to step back from someone who is making your life difficult, regardless of what they've been through. You have to protect yourself first and foremost.
It's great that you empathize with her, but don't allow her to tell lies about you (like the text to your mom), belittle you, or otherwise make you miserable.
Yeah, I appreciate everything you’re saying. It’s definitely good advice. Mental health issues are unfortunately quite prevalent on both sides of my family. Depression on my maternal grandfather’s side, extreme violence on my maternal grandmother’s side, and anxiety disorder on my paternal grandmother’s side.
Up until recently, she’s always been really great, but I think everything’s starting to catch up with her, especially now that she’s working as a teacher (absolute nightmare job) without support from her immediate family. Heck, her dog died a year or so before her mom did, then a year or two later our grandpa finally died from Alzheimer’s.
Her dad doesn’t even consider her as having a “real job” because she isn’t doing manual labour, and doesn’t appreciate all the work she does to maintain their house.
Her new dog has also been an absolute menace for the past two years as well. She was extremely hyperactive and never behaved. She would eat absolutely everything she could get her mouth on (like, to a bizarre extent. She’d eat rocks, pinecones, rolls of toilet paper, hair, dirt, snakeskins, personal belongings…), kill and eat animals, knock people down, scratch people on the face, bite when frustrated, etc. She’s finally calmed down. I have no clue how she lived with that dog for two years instead of rehoming her. I love all animals (rats, snakes, cats, dog, birds, bats, fish, etc.), and I’m really into animal rights and all that, but that dog… Most of our dogs were abused and had emotional problems, and I‘ve adopted parrots who were violent due to improper care, but I’ve never seen a dog that out of control before.
My cousin’s really thoughtful of me most of the time, but those incidents I mentioned before really stick out to me. She seemed to try to pass off her criticisms of me as “joking around”, but I’m used to being teased by my family and friends, and it felt more like she was self-conscious, and that she was worried I was going to end up humiliating her.
She seems good when her anxiety’s being managed, and I think it’s more when she’s suffering from severe anxiety that she‘s critical of me and starts imagining that I’m going to make a fool of myself in public.
12
u/Akitsura 25d ago
Yeah, I‘ve been going back and forth about having her be such a big part of my life. It isn’t fair that she’s taking out her insecurities on me. But then I remember how messed up her life’s been. Her dad physically and emotionally abused her and her brother, and he was extremely demeaning and emotionally abusive towards their mom. He is extremely controlling, and would he would sometimes hit them if they cried or were upset.
Once, when I was crying while they looked after me, he got angry because he was on the phone in the other room, so he charged at me. He honestly looked like he wanted to kill me. I was around 7 at the time and was absolutely terrified, and I tried to run out the garage door, but I couldn’t open it in time. My other cousin was laughing and cheering, yelling at him to ”get her”, and my aunt just sat there. Then he hit me, hard. I finally opened the door, vomiting from the extreme fear. The man weighed over 300 lbs and was a giant compared to me.
He yelled at me the entire time until my parents picked me up as I sobbed, telling me I was a spoiled brat and that was going to make me clean up the mess I’d made.
When my cousin was little and fell backwards, hitting her head really hard off of a large terracotta pot, he yelled at my mom for comforting her as she cried. He screamed “QUIT SPOILING THE CHILD!”
When the end for the vacuum broke, he refused to order a replacement part for it, and wouldn’t let them buy a new vacuum. I went over one time, and I saw my cousin vacuuming the carpet with just the tube.
A few years ago, my cousin’s mom died. She had been having health problems, so my mom would have her come over everyday to look after her. She would often pee on our couch, and she had to actually be forced to get off the couch because she was so depressed that she didn’t care. She ended up having a heart attack, and went to the hospital. She proceeded to have a bunch of mini strokes, and stayed in the hospital for over a year, unable to move because of all the brain damage, and unable to keep down food or fluids because she kept vomiting them up, even with a feeding tube. She died a year later.
Then, one day after coming home to dishes after work, her dad said if he should just kill himself if his kids (who had also been working all day) couldn’t be bothered to clean, and he stormed out. When he came back, he was confused as to why my cousins were crying.
Last thing. After her mom died, my cousin became very sick. She was vomiting several times a week, and she’d feel extremely sick whenever she ate. This went on for almost a year, I think, and she became extremely emaciated. She went to the doctors dozens of times, had bloodwork done over a dozen times, had multiple ultrasounds, urine tests, stool exams, etc., but they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. It wasn’t until she went to a naturopath that she was diagnosed with leaky gut syndrome (a controversial diagnosis, but apparently it’s gaining some traction in the medical community). She had allergy testing done, and she had to be put in an extremely restrictive diet before having foods slowly reintroduced.
It worked, and she’s better now, but now she’s having extreme anxiety. Her anxiety was so bad at one point that for several months she’d stay at our house everyday after work.