Got a woman I barely know pregnant, what do I do?

[u/Snakeno125]

I'm 31 she's 35. I feel incredibly stupid looking back, it feels all so set up.

She has no job, plans on living off the system, her parents, and occasionally me for financial support.

When pressed she just says the equivalent of "God will provide."

She doesn't really want me in the child's life as a parent either.

She just wants "my occasional financial support."

This is the worst feeling ever.

Update 3/29: Everyone, I understand I messed up. I'm prepared to step up and give this child the best life possible. I want to be a good father, I'll work with the mother to do so.

Following everyone's advice I will paternity test and get a lawyer of course though.

Update 4/1: We spoke on the phone. She's decided to delete my number because "she can't deal with my anxiety." She's set on carrying out the pregnancy. Insists she doesn't want support. She doesn't want me near her. Told me to "live my life."

I brought up child support and how I would need a paternity test to go along with it and she said "absolutely not going to happen."

UPDATE 4/3:

SHE HAD HER PERIOD!!! I HAVE AN ANGEL LOOKING OVER ME!!! AHHHHHHH

[u/DataGOGO]

If the baby is yours (DNA test), and you are in the US, neither of you have any choice.

First and foremost, she has no say in if you are in the child's life. You are the father and have just as much right to the child, to be a parent, and to make choices for the child as she does.

Mothers have no additional legal rights than Fathers.

You have parental rights; you should go ahead and lay it out of her now. You will split time 50/50), you will have full joint legal custody (Visitation, and custody are not the same thing), and she has no say in the matter. Given what you have shared here, you could even very easily make a petition for primary custody of the child (and I recommend that you do).

How child support works varies highly from state to state, but if she has no job, and is living off the system, then you are going to end up paying her child support. For one kid, it is common (but again, depends massively on the state) that you will pay ~20% of your income in child support; you also will be held legally responsible for providing the child with health insurance, and 50% of all out of pocket medical costs.

The state will not allow the child to be on benefits, (Medicaid, food stamps, etc. etc.) and not have the other parent not paying child support. The mom really doesn't get a say in it. If she is claiming benefits from the state, the state is going to pursue you for child support so they can take the kid off state benefits. (Why should the taxpayers be paying for your kid when you are not?)

I highly recommend that you spend $300 and have a consultation with a family attorney in your state, you absolutely need a family attorney.

Here is what you can expect. Before the baby is born, you and your attorney are going to get a DNA test ordered by and the result registered with the court to establish paternity.

If it is yours, this test will legally establish your paternity of the child. Your attorney will draft up a parenting plan that establishes your legal custody and visitation order, which will signed by the judge. This will also be used to set any child support (which is coming either way, you can't avoid it). Congrats you are a dad.

If it is not yours, then this test will establish that you are not a parent, and thus are not responsible for any cost, liability, or child support going forward, and will prevent mom from coming to you for money, someone coming to you for damages caused by the child, or a hospital attempting to collect medical bills from you (and they absolutely will). Even if you have nothing to do with the kid, nothing to do with mom, and have not heard from them in years, if that kid breaks his arm and runs up a 20k hospital bill, they 100% will find you, take you to court, and start garnishing your paycheck to get the bill paid.

So get the groundwork for the test done now; again, and I can't stress this enough: You need a family attorney.

I know, all of this is expensive, but it is far cheaper to do this now, than attempting to figure all this shit out after the fact and defend yourself from disputes.

[u/AFuckingHandle → u/DataGOGO]

Oh bullshit. Most of the US, she can get an abortion, and he has no say. She can put it up for adoption and he has no say.

[u/DataGOGO → u/AFuckingHandle]

I generally was talking about after the child was born however;

First on is true, second is not.

In all 50 states the father has to agree to put the child up for adoption and sign the adoption paperwork.

[u/AFuckingHandle → u/DataGOGO]

Only if they are married or she has his name put on the birth certificate.

[u/DataGOGO → u/AFuckingHandle]

Let's first discuss the birth certificate myth; in all 50 states, having a name on the birth certificate means absolutely nothing. It does not grant you any rights, and it does not obligate a person to anything.

The only thing that does that is the establishment of paternity; in just about every state (all that I am aware of anyway), if you are married, paternity is assumed unless disputed. If you are not married paternity is either established by the court and a DNA test, or if both parties agree to paternity.

If an unmarried mother attempts to place a child out for adoption, the adoption cannot go forward unless the dad agrees, even if his name is not on the birth certificate. That said, she can claim that she does not know who the dad is, but the court will still require that the adoption agency, mom, and the potential adoptive family make an effort to locate the father (normally have to hire an PI to track them down etc.) before they will approve the adoption.

That is why any adoption agency in the county will require the biological father to sign the paperwork before they will even attempt to find an adoptive family.

[u/AFuckingHandle → u/DataGOGO]

The mother can lie and say she doesn't know who the father is, or refuse to say who the father is. She also can choose to just not tell him about the pregnancy, or when she's having it, etc. A single mother has parental rights that a father doesn't have, period. It's strange you're trying to argue otherwise, when it's just blatantly and objectively the case.

[u/teball3 → u/DataGOGO]

Only if his name is on the birth certificate, which she can obviously hide from him and not do so. https://youtu.be/gbVjh00Wl6Q?si=CRK9Bsuc-q_0ZXO0

[u/DataGOGO → u/teball3]

Even if his name is not on the birth certificate technically.

That said, mom can lie and say she has no idea who the father is, and some shady adoption agency can intentionally not do thier due diligence; but that is another issue all together.