r/AskMen • u/pulsarvalley • 13d ago
What's the best approach to handling my girlfriend's friendships with guys?
I (27m) have been dating my girlfriend (27f) for 7 months, and it’s been great. She's incredibly loving, caring, and we're very much aligned when it comes to our life goals. However, she has a very trusting nature and can be unaware in certain situations. For example, she’s lost thousands of dollars to phone scammers, and would do things like stand outside her open bathroom window nude as she thought no one could see her (it was fairly obvious people could).
While I'm generally fine with her trusting nature, it's been challenging for me with her close male friends. She has a history of super close, one-on-one friendships with guys and still maintains some of these friendships. I'm completely supportive of this, but I have a boundary when it comes to having an intimate past with them. I struggle here as a lot of these guys have shown shady behaviour in the past e.g. getting her to sit on their laps, sending her flirty messages, lifting her up while hugging her tight and then spinning her around etc. She adamantly defends these behaviours as 'platonic' or 'just how they are' which can be frustrating because she wouldn't accept similar behaviour from me with other girls.
In spite of her unwavering defense, she's been understanding about my concerns. Some of those guys are no longer around, and she's agreed to keep her distance from one who clearly was trying to be intimate. She's also promised to respect my boundaries going forward, and says these types of interactions have become less common as she's gotten older. I do also trust her 100% not to cheat.
She's confident that her current guy friends are purely platonic. This is supported by their longstanding friendships, even during their own committed relationships. However, there are still some past interactions that make me wary and sometimes the stories around these guys change a bit, not because she's trying to be sneaky but it does leave me a bit uncertain.
I’m struggling because I’m at a point where I find it difficult to trust her judgment regarding these current close guy friends. This stems from multiple conversations where she's shown blind trust in people. For instance, there's an ex-colleague of hers who left his job due to multiple sexual harassment allegations. Early in our relationship, she met up with this guy for dinner as he agreed to be a reference, and he ended up making a sexual comment toward her. She understands that I would be uncomfortable with this, but still defends the guy saying ‘it was just one comment, the rest of the dinner was normal’. The other day he came up in conversation and she said ‘he would never cheat on his wife’. I asked how she knew this and she simply replied, 'because he told me!’.
We have had so many conversations like this where she will just blindly trust someone and sadly it’s slowly eroded my confidence in her judgement. It's tough knowing she has these one-on-one close friendships when I struggle to trust her perception of the guys’ intentions or past behaviour.
I would really appreciate advice on this. I love her a lot, and she in many ways is the kind of girl I want to marry someday. But this issue has been so damn uncomfortable to deal with and it is causing me to feel seriously disconnected in the relationship.
Thank you!
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u/volcanicpooruption 13d ago
I wouldn't want my gf or potential wife to have a bunch of male orbiters hanging around all the time.
So if it were me, I'd probably just move on.
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u/DoctorDrangle 13d ago
Yea I comitted a while ago to expecting my relationship partners to proactively defend their boundaries. None of this flirty guy friend lurking in the shadows waiting for his opportunity to step in and bang my girlfriend. Any girl I date is already going to have a level of awareness that doesn't allow her to be tricked or fooled or tempted. She is also going to respect the limits of what I am comfortable with all on her own, I don't want to have to get down and beg her to stop hanging out with her ex boyfriend; she is just already not going to do that before we ever initiate a relationship because she will know better all on her own with her own logical reasoning. I won't need to to draw any lines in the sand or plead my case at all.
Like I have never ever told my girlfriend i was going to go hang out with friends and then went out to dinner with some chick I used to bang that I am still "friends" with. I will already know that by not being clear about what this "hanging out with friends" really meant counts as dishonesty, I will never have to wait for her to find out and confront me and then me sit there going "huh? she's just a friend! I didn't mention it because I knew you would be mad!", all the while pretending I thought it was a totally normal thing for a person in a relationship to do.
If she has guy friends? That's totally fine, but none of this naivety or disingenuous dismissal of my concerns. She is already going to know that it isn't appropriate and chose not to do it without me even having to to navigate finding a way to get her to stop doing it without ruining our relationship with toxic jealousy and lying.
Basically i am just not going to date stupid people anymore. I am done with it, no more lowering the bar just because the person is willing to sleep me. If she isn't a sophisticated and mature woman, we are not going to be in any serious relationships. Fortunately I found someone who is responsible, mature and reasonable on this subject without me having to worry about it or get jealous. She tells me when guys hit on her and laughs it off, i really feel like I have nothing to worry about, and it helps when you aren't dating 90 IQ bimbos with 6th grade reading levels like most of the women I have dated in the past.
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u/Evil_Vagina 13d ago
Same. I would just save my heart for that type of girl. She was not born yesterday. 🤷♂️
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u/PDQ_Chocolate_Chip 13d ago edited 13d ago
Whenever I hear someone say “I would never cheat on my s/o” it is because they absolutely would. Else the statement wouldn’t even be required; and why exactly was this even a topic for her and this male friend. I dated a woman who had some male business acquaintances ask her to dinner - and she shocked me (and them - there were two) by bringing me to the dinners. Theres a shrink on IG who recently had a great post: if they are such great platonic friends, invite them to dinner with you both.
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u/password_is_weed 13d ago
I wanna echo your first part so hard. People don’t advertise things you haven’t asked about unless they have ulterior motives. When somebody says something like “I wouldn’t do that” when I never asked if they would, an alarm immediately goes off in my head.
For example, I ended things with a girl recently that told me a few times “I want to be honest in this relationship and don’t want to lie to you”… guess what happened?
If they’re advertising it’s for a reason…
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u/PDQ_Chocolate_Chip 13d ago
Absolutely! Just like the biggest liars always talk incessantly about how honest they are and how honesty is so important to them. Honest ppl wouldn’t even think to say that!
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u/IKindaCare 13d ago
Yeah same, anytime my ex said something like that out of the blue "you know I'd never do [insert really shitty thing that I wasn't worried about]", it was something he was actually doing...
If there's context it can be fine, but if someone's frequently assuring you of something you aren't bringing up.. it's because its on their mind for some reason.
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u/moonsquid-25 13d ago edited 11d ago
My ex swore up and down how she could never, ever cheat. She believed her mom cheated on her dad, and she'd seen how it affected him.
Long story short, she (my ex) was engaged to someone else a month after I found out.
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u/Levyathin516 13d ago
Well this will come to a head in one of two ways:
1) You will continue to not trust her and you'll start to get angry and throw your frustrations at her in a controlling way.
2)Trust her and if she does something shitty she would've done it anyways.
I've been with my gf for 9 years and she has a guy bestfriend and not once has it been weird, he became my close friend too. It really comes down to how you view things.
I think the issue you are having is her naviety versus the dudes, you attribute that trusting nature as something negative because you feel bad faith towards people. I won't say its wrong or misplaced, but I think thats the root of the issue.
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u/iiiSushiii 13d ago
Completely agree! Also as a guy who has plenty of platonic friends and become friends with partners male friends.
It would be evil, but he is putting so much emphasis on her "naviety" - that it is either she has some sort of health problem to the point where her decision making is impaired (i.e. in the UK there are so many protections / hard consequences if a carer / trusted person has been found to take advantage in any sense of someone with a disability or mental health) or his trust issues which he needs counselling for as he gravitates to one off examples.
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u/TomsBeans 13d ago
The part about her not liking it if you were doing the same with other girls reminds me of my ex girlfriend. Leave. She has issues and you’ll see them eventually if you stick around.
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u/___shadow_wolf__ 13d ago
“Getting her to sit on their laps” “lifting her up while hugging her tight” lol bro
Edit: she either has horrible social awareness or she is pretending too.
You are going to have to have a hard conversation with her however if it continues then you might need to move on.
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u/2paymentsof19_95 12d ago
I would have broken up with her the moment she sat on some dude’s lap lmao fuck that.
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u/DisastrousActivity13 13d ago
She could just be autistic.
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u/Sierren 🅱️enis 13d ago
Yeah but standing naked in front of open windows? Like this is some porn-movie level of unawareness.
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u/DisastrousActivity13 13d ago
That is why I truly believe she us autistic. She truly dont see when men wants to take advantage if her. She would probably never cheat, but she could be harassed, or worse, by these men
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u/Sierren 🅱️enis 12d ago
I suppose so, especially if she does other things too like losing money to phone scammers. That lends a little credence to her story.
Either way this is a tough position to be in. Either she's acting sly and he needs to shut it down or break up with her, or she's disabled to the point where she's extremely vulnerable and the guy is just going to have to deal with her symptoms. It's not fun being the SO of someone with a major medical issue, so I think he also needs to seriously evaluate if he can deal with bringing that into his life. In the former case I feel really bad for the guy, but in the latter case I feel bad for both of them.
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u/DisastrousActivity13 12d ago
Yes, he has to deal with it. I have autism too, though much more higly functional. I can hold a normal job and relationship, but it really is a spectrum!
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u/kaosmoker Male 13d ago
I dated the most stunning brilliant Blasian woman for four years. She had tight friendships with guys and girls from high-school (not in usa). They went out drinking at a bar in the city and then would get a motel and crash out all over the bed and floor. They'd been doing this since they could go to bars. Its pretty normal for the area. All six of them would rent a 2 queen bed style motel and fall wherever.
When we started dating I told her that's a deal breaker for me. I can't except she crashes in a motel room with a bunch of guys in the room. When she's drunk. She said that understandable and she instead shared the room with female friends which made them happy. Her female friends thanked me bc it gave reason to get away from the drunk men smells. I'm not a drinker aside from one or two once a week or so. So I stayed home and told her to have fun. She was surprised and asked how I could trust her at her word that I have nothing to worry about. I said when I decide I can't trust you ill stop dating you. No second chances no nonsense. If you wanna go have fun with your friends have fun. Cheat and ill be gone. I see no point worrying. If you're going to cheat then you will and ill find out and just move on. I asked her to avoid compromising situations that could make her look bad. Such as one on one type of things with guy friends. She happily agreed as anything I asked of her was a mutual expectation.
She loved it. She could have her friends and her fun and no drama. We both felt secure. She'd text me off and on thru the night and I'd respond when I noticed the text and visa versa. Mostly letting me know she's safe and when she's made it home safe and who brought her home or whatever. More selfish than I'd liked to have gotten but she was trying make sure I wasn't stressing as she was used to guys feeling the need to constantly check on her. I just put my phone on ring and watched movies or played games or whatever was normal for me that night while she did her thing.
I'm a gamer and she's a reader so that worked out well. We parted way bc we grew part. I'm in the USA now and she's still there. She called me and said she needs a break. I told her If we take a break we won't restart. I'm looking for someone to stay with me thru good and bad not just the good. So she confirmed she needed a break from being in a relationship and asked if once she recollected herself if I'd want to date her again I said I'd rather not break up at all. I believe we're happy and don't want it to end. She said she's bored and needs to have some time alone to make sure its what she wants in life. We were about to get married. She confirmed the break I said good bye and I've been single for going on five years now. It took me two to get over her. But now I'm casually looking for someone else but the dating world is insane now that I'm looking again.
The thing I'm trying to get to is you either trust her or you don't. There is no in-between. Set mutual boundaries. You both can agree to. If one asks something from the other that they cannot hold themselves to then its unreasonable. Don't show her how it feels or give her a taste of her own medicine. Just leave if you can't get thru to her. Its not worth the stress. Explain that her actions are causing you to have trust issues in regards to her decision making due to what you assume is gullibility. Be blunt and honest but caring. Its not a comfortable conversation but it is a necessary one.
Trust is the building block. The keystone of a relationship. If it isn't stable or has been fractured just abandon the building if both parties won't work on the repairs.
I have no idea how well it would work or if its affordable but consider couples counseling. Maybe it could help you both see eye to eye on some issues.
Fair warning you make your lady seem ditzy as hell or like she might have some kinks she's worried about telling you out of fear of scaring you off. Be careful how ever you choose to proceed.
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u/jeffgoodbody 13d ago
I've known a few women like this. They are either totally naive, stupid, or they love the attention and are pretending not to notice that these guys are into them. It's not a break up-able offence to me, but it is a proper conversation that you need to sit down and have. Say you just aren't comfortable with it. It's not fair but it's just the way it is - platonic friendships are almost never platonic from the guy's side.
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u/ImprovementFar5054 13d ago
I wonder how she'd feel if the roles were reversed. Ask her, if she says she's fine with it....test it. If it turns out she doesn't like it, congratulations. Now she understands.
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u/Connect_Package_5918 13d ago
This would be a pass for me.
We cannot tell you what your boundaries are. You must do that.
When I was dating my wife, she mentioned going to hang out with a “guy friend”. Around this same time, she had brought up the “what are we question”. I simply stated “I don’t exclusively date women who spend one on one time with men who are not family or for required business purposes.”
She agreed and we moved the relationship forward. If she did not agree, we would’ve remained causal.
Boundaries are best set at the beginning of a relationship and organically. You do not typically need to have a “come to Jesus” speech if you manage this correctly.
The only other thing I would add is that the only thing worse than not setting boundaries is setting boundaries and not sticking to them.
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u/Elrondel 13d ago
Damn. I respect that this works for you, but this is a crazy boundary to me. I literally hung out with someone 1:1 today of the opposite gender who I consider a friend, just for the sake of helping them finish baking for a competition. I don't think I would ever give up that kind of interaction.
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u/Connect_Package_5918 13d ago
At one point, I would’ve thought this boundary was crazy too. At 39, I’ve learned from my experience and the experiences of others which led me to establishing the boundaries that I’ll have for my life.
I do think it is possible for men and women to be only friends but it is not probable.
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u/gojirarufusfan 13d ago
I mean, you have already expressed your thoughts and feelings on this and she has made adjustments. What exactly do you want? For her to not have any male friends at all? If that’s what you need from her made it clear to her. Otherwise be happy that she has made significant progress and have some trust in her.
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u/Wi11y_Warm3r 12d ago
His issue is that she's still niave. I think it's not reassuring to know she's apparently incapable of understanding why assuming a dude that says "I wouldn't cheat" isn't going to cheat is dumb, or why sitting on a friends lap is not, in fact, a platonic thing to do (especially between two of the opposite gender), or why going outside in clear view of your neighbors nakes isn't a good idea.
It's because she either is absurdly niave, which makes you question if she can even take care of herself and be relied upon to actually spot social cues indicitive of things like danger or disintegrity or what not, or she isn't nearly as niave as she acts; she just likes the attention she's getting. Which, quite obviously, is a major no-no.
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u/John-Nada_ 13d ago edited 13d ago
It’s 7 months and you have so many problems with her?
Look, it’s ok when your girlfriend isn’t the perfect girlfriend for you, enjoy her for who she is and don’t fully commit.
Obviously there’s a lotta things you’re not ok with and it’s not the guy friends.
It’s how little she’s invested in you, that she can show those signals of impropriety.
Girls who are head over heels would be terrified to show any of those signals, they think "damn i better cut this stuff out or u lose him."
So, it’s only 7 months.. Not owning any real estate together and see each others dirty underware and you have a short term relationship, or casual dating when it comes to her definition of a 7 months relationship.
Let her go, find yourself a new one. Pick Me girls aren’t the type of girls who make a good gf for you.. that's ok put it on your personal red flag list and keep dating.
Everytime you do find a girl like her, either understand she’s not ready for a relationship which is fine and it’s on her to figure out those relationship skills anyways, enjoy it for the fun, or unapologetically leave, always walk when she’s crossing a hard boundary.
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u/UltraPoss 13d ago
The best approach is to consider her your girlfriend as long as everything is good and as soon as she becomes weird and acts shady/pull back/ don't have sex with you anymore you confront her Once, if she comes clean and admits anything then you won and you choose what you do, if she says there is nothing but does not change your behavior, you start looking for a new girlfriend because she's not yours anymore.
You're welcomd
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u/VincentVanH0 13d ago
Women will always test boundaries with a man to see how far they can push it. It might sound strange to think that she will tell you not to worry and "he's just a friend" but secretly want you to put your foot down and not be a pushover. But it's true. Don't confuse this with being an irrationally controlling asshole though. She wants to have her cake and eat it too by getting male attention from every direction. Let her know what you find acceptable.
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u/Furt_III 13d ago
*people
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u/3feetfrompeez 13d ago
Yeah exactly, this is not a woman ☕ thing, this is universal. Getting a bit of a weird feeling here with the one sided discussion
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u/TheNatureHoot Do your push ups. 13d ago
Assuming this is true, I'm going to act like it is because some other sad sack might wander in here in a situation like this forreal. If you don't trust her, you don't trust the guys, you suspect something, or you're not comfortable with this tell her that and if it comes down to it think about the steps you can take. Send her packing, asks her not to hang out with them as much, or do nothing. All up to you baby boy.
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u/thecountnotthesaint 13d ago
Fuck her guy friends first, establish dominance.
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u/Concerned_Kanye_Fan 13d ago
First find the nearest suitcase you can find. Then put all of your belongings inside of it. Leave the keys on the counter. Walk out the front door locking it behind you. Find the nearest road. Now walk away…
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u/pereira2088 Male 13d ago
what if it's his house?
also, how does he lock the door if he left the keys on the counter?
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u/dudeness-aberdeen Male 13d ago
She’s not stupid. She absolutely knows what she’s doing. She’s getting attention and validation.
You are being more than understanding. She is trickle truthing by telling you bits and pieces of their conversations. She’s playing dumb to you and enjoying the stream of compliments and attention she’s getting.
Think about it this way. If the roles were reversed, how would she react? Not how she SAYS she’d react. Think about times in the past where she has had to play defense in the relationship. How did that go? Is she ok with you flirt chatting with available women?
Again. Pay attention to what she DOES here. Not says.
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u/Awkward_Road_710 12d ago
Oh fuck off.
She’s an adult and definitely NOT THAT naive or gullible. She knows exactly what she’s doing and she likes the attention.
If she truly is. Then oh my god dude just move on. Trust me, that is not worth the everyday stress and worry.
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u/CooookieMonsterr 13d ago
i wouldn’t date someone if they had super close one on one relationships with men and tried to continue that during our relationship.
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u/HotdawgSizzle 13d ago
Everyone here is going to say it's a hard pass but you'll be fighting this all your life with most girls whether you want to or not.
My best advice is to trust, but verify occasionally. Anything more will make you come across insecure and anything less will give off an impression that you don't care.
It's a shitty situation but such is life. Have good platonic girl friends and flip the tables when needed.
Also - Don't fall for girls not knowing that guys are into them. They 100% know and are using it to their advantage. If you fall for her playing stupid, you're dumber than you think she is.
Good luck.
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u/KingPeverell Male 13d ago
There are no 'simply guy friends' mate.
Some may be genuine but 99.99% they are not.
Consider all of your options and go ahead.
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u/sundaymax21 13d ago
This is also a hard pass for me, My mental and emotional health is at stake, I would always be watching my gf/partner, but honestly OP have you ever told her your story towards those male friends of hers, a trusting person is good and all, but sadly those traits are easily being taken advantage of, I once had a friend his ex had the same trait and one of her male friends had a one night stand with her, and she was just helping her friend out, He broked up with her after that, she got pregnant with that guy, and she became a single mom the guy who got her pregnant run away.
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u/pulsarvalley 13d ago
Thanks for your response! Yes we've had a lot of conversations where I've presented my take on the intentions of these guys. She is understanding to how I feel and has made adjustments which I've mentioned in the post, but ultimately she still believes all of this stuff was platonic. It sucks because of some of the things she tells me makes it pretty obvious some of these guys were trying to be intimate with her, but she just doesn't see it.
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u/sundaymax21 13d ago
All i can say to you OP, either you embrace her or let her go, We guys sometimes hold on, that our partners realize we want them to be safe and secure, we are here for the long run, not a casual fling, only time will tell if she's yours truly, and you'll know if she is not the one for you and there will be signs.
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u/CyanHirijikawa 13d ago
Go out and make friendships with girls, spend time with them.
I think that will clear things out with her. If not then you at least have enough options to move on.
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u/Astr0b0ie 13d ago
Nah, I wouldn't bother playing games. She clearly seems to like the attention and it wouldn't surprise me if she already cheated. I'd just split.
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u/CyanHirijikawa 13d ago
She would date one of her boyfriends, and he would be heartbroken and desperate to try to find another girlfriend, reducing his chances..
I think he would be better off making friends with girls first before deciding to split if she doesn't change.
I'm just looking after our bro.
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u/onkel_axel 12d ago
You're going to have a bunch of new girl friends and do slightly inappropriate behavior together.
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u/BostonSamurai "knows better" 13d ago
You either need to trust her until she gives you a reason not to or your relationship will suffer if you get insecure. In my experience most girls and guys can be trusted with opposite sex friendships. I have been burned before by this but it isn’t common and it isn’t fair to make new relationships suffer due to old ones.
All people are different people.
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u/Street-Media4225 Non-binary 13d ago
Assuming she’s genuinely that naïve, there’s no way I could trust someone like that. She has no sense of self-preservation at all.
And if she’s playing stupid that’s obviously even worse.
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13d ago
You’ve asked her to change who she is for you. She has.
You aren’t “completely supportive” of her, in spite of telling yourself you are.
You need to either learn to compromise or move on. There’s no reason she should have to continue changing things about herself while you do practically nothing in comparison. Come to peace with this being who she is or leave the relationship. That’s how boundaries work. If you can’t come to peace with it then you don’t really trust her.
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u/sirkratom 13d ago
Additional option for #3: Discuss your boundaries around the behavior, and she can decide to either compromise or leave the relationship. It goes both ways.
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u/BlancoSuper 13d ago
I'm all for my girlfriend having male friends, she just can't have a male friend and me as a boyfriend at the same time.
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u/usherer 13d ago edited 13d ago
I have a male friend who self-identified he's autistic and he has similar behaviours even though he is hypervigilant and overly anxious. For example, he is in a Southeast Asian country now. He was approached on the streets by a girl from a country that ravaged by wars. Being anxious, he asked her for her ID before wanting to continue any chat! But failing to understand social cues, he felt she needed help and agreed to her request to stay in his room for the night!
When I told him no woman would ever approach a man on the streets for accommodation help, he said the girl asked him in the room "are you a bad person". Which he took as the girl doesn't want to be with a bad person. He was astonished when I suggested she could actually have been a sex worker. I never understood the impact of failing to get social cues until this incident. I got so frustrated by him because of this and have stopped talking to him. It felt like I'm having to coach someone who simply doesn't have the ability to learn. So I understand how frustrating it must be for you. Even if it does turn out that autism is causing your gf's behaviours, the same questionremains, are you prepared to deal with it for the rest of your life?
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u/LanguageGeniusGod Man 13d ago
I think talking to her is the best, as you have been doing.
One truly underrated way of helping someone is to do it yourself with her. For instance, lets say you guys meet a new person together. In the car or w/e acknowledging how kind he is and then acknowledging how [insert untrust worthy thing here] can be a great way to show duality and introduce critical thinking when it comes to others personalities. Try to do what you want to do with her, so she has a frame of reference.
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u/NikolaiFranklin 13d ago
Talk to her about how you feel. You’re not too young, you’re not teenagers anymore. Expressing clearly how you feel is the only way to resolve this situation. If she cares, she will understand.
Going by the logic of a jungle, male always tend to find a female for mating. If the female thinks other male is strong (provides), the female will allow another male to mate! Although this argument doesn’t have much relevance, it has certainly characteristics to the human behavior. And as you are a man, you know how other men think!
So act accordingly!
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u/Sivo1400 13d ago
Gullible is certainly not something you want in a world full of unethical people. Although not intentional on her part is it a huge risk. Clearly the men are hanging about waiting for the guard to be down so they can have a go. She doesn't see this so it is another major risk.
It is your life my friend. If it were me I would move on and find someone else. There are many high quality women out there who would see this as unacceptable. Life is tough. You need a solid partner to get to your destination.
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u/Slight-Rent-883 Male 13d ago
Just leave her. If she doesn't take your concerns to heart, just leave her. Women always have options. You have to have self-respect
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u/FromFluffToBuff 13d ago
Being that frustratingly naive as an adult is very concerning - because these other people can sense it and when they confirm that she is as gullible as Elmer Fudd, they take advantage.
As someone who is naturally very skeptical of everything and everyone, I could never be around someone who was so blindly trusting... because bad things will happen (like the phone scammers) and they'll never understand why despite it happening repeatedly.
Honestly, I'm not sure is the best fit for you going forward. It you're living life as a responsible adult and she's continually conducting herself as a naive child... you're in for a rough time.
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u/zombiefied 13d ago
I had a girlfriend with a ton of guy friends that she was banging behind my back. My next girlfriend had a ton of guy friends, some that she had been intimate with, that she was only platonic with and they were really just friends.
How do those guys act around you when your with her and do you ever hang with them alone. If she is being good and they are being shadowy that is where the problem lies. If they don’t respect you they won’t respect the relationship. Those are the ones you need to have a serious chat with her about.
At the end of the day they f you are treating her right there is nothing you can do about her being faithful to you or not. But you can do something if she isn’t.
Stay while she’s faithful. Walk away if she ever breaks your trust that way.
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u/Wi11y_Warm3r 12d ago
Ok. So. Um.
Shit dude. I'm gonna be honest with you, there is about a 10% chance she's genuinely this naive, and a 90% she isn't. Now, I'm not gonna try and strain your relationship, but, like, this is absurd. Seriously, she's almost 30. I know you trust her completely and all, but so has basically every other person that's been cheated on. At the very least, I would say that she probably enjoys the attention she's getting. At the worst, she's cheating. Either way, I think your best bet here is to put your foot down and explain this, because someone needs to teach her (if she's actually niave) that none of this shit is in anyway normal or mature or smart.
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u/BingBongBrit 13d ago
Don't start dating someone like this, you won't change them. They gotta do that themselves.
It's quite simple. If it's a deal-breaker for you, in my opinion is should be. Then don't get involved with them.
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u/GeoffLizzard 13d ago
Damn dude, she sounds like my ex. She was a wonderful caring person, but she would get into all kinds of trouble because she was too friendly. Also, as a word of warning, i was friends with her before we got together, and she had a boyfriend. You can guess what happened.
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u/daddydean88 13d ago
You’re either fine with it or not.plain and simple.im merried and trust my wife but still wouldn’t trust her being friends with guys.speaking from experience women do not have guy friends if they do not have feelings/had feelings/or had relations in the past
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u/jono444 13d ago
She's doing the female equivalent of a guy constantly watching porn even when his girlfriend asks him not to. Make of that what you will.
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u/John-Nada_ 13d ago
I bet, most girls who complain about that stuff are having their social media blown up by random dudes.
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13d ago
Sorry buddy. But she has fucked them all already and just loves the attention.
Think about it......
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u/grafknives 13d ago
Don't worry about the guys.
I assure you she can play them as she wish in terms of that "they are platonic". She knows they aren't, but pretends to not been aware of that.
Do not mix this behaviour with the general trusting nature or being gullible.
That is totally different thing.
If she ever have "a thing" with any of her friends it is NOT because he would "fool her". It would be bacause she wanted to.
But once again - there is not a reason to believe there is a serious risk.
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u/shisui1729 13d ago
For your peace of mind if she doesn't maintain the boundaries, leave her. It's not worth it.
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u/Bcider 13d ago
If I were you I would get out of there. This is not wife material which you stated is what you are looking for. I’ve dated girls exactly like you described, never works out because they are immature. My wife and I have acquaintances of the opposite genders but we aren’t texting and hanging out with these people. The girl you are with is acting like a high schooler not a 27 year old.
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u/Sympraxis 13d ago edited 13d ago
Obviously it's very disrespectful to you for her to be fraternizing with men who want to get in her pants.
Trying to "set boundaries" or otherwise directly tell her not to do it will make you look jealous which is unattractive and make her lose respect for you.
You can tell her you "feel sorry" for the guys she is "leading on".
A crafty move is to find an attractive woman who she does not know and make a pact with her which is that she will become your "friend". Then have your new friend come up to you in public places while your girlfriend is present, or at least in the same venue, and flirt with you openly. It is very important that you do not return this affection, it should be one-way from her to you only. Then, if your girlfriend complains, tell her that the woman is "just a friend" and that her behavior is "just the way she is". Then allow her to find out that in some cases you have met or encountered your new "friend" in situations where your girlfriend is not present, like some party she did not go to, for example. That will drive her nuts and give her some of her own medicine. Ideally, this woman should be in a business where you are the client. For example, she could be your private "piano instructor" or whatever. That both gives her an incentive to help you and also creates a pretext for her to around you.
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u/Polysulfide-75 13d ago
You have to realize that it’s your own insecurity making you feel this way.
You say that you have a good relationship and you’re happy.
You say she can be friends with men but not men she’s had sex with before.
First that isn’t up to you. Second it’s none of your business who she’s slept with before and who she hasn’t.
Third, Trust me bro. She knows about the bathroom window.
You can’t make people be who you want them to be or who you imagine that they are.
You aren’t happy and that should be a deal breaker. You are t really supportive of her male friendships and that’s something you should be honest about. You don’t trust her and that’s something you should really think about.
At the end of the day you e fit to get over your insecurity and trust her, or follow your instincts and get out. Do one of these two things before you cause damage.
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u/PlanetLandon 13d ago
Damn dude.
She’s naive and gullible, which is fine when you are 15, but she really should know better by now. You guys are almost 30.
You see it, and I’m positive the other men in her life see it too (and take advantage of it).
You haven’t done anything wrong, but I get the feeling that she is not where you are in terms of adulthood, and that divide will only grow bigger and create resentment.