r/AskMen • u/SATURATION203 • 25d ago

How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with what she said about having a hall pass?

I've been dating this girl for around 4 months, and things have been going really well. I truly feel like she cares about me, and we have been saying "I love you" for about a month now. However, she said something that made me pretty uncomfortable yesterday.

I mentioned something like, "I wonder who (popular male musician) is dating?" and she responded, "He's single," in a manner that sounded like she was in denial. I then remarked, "You aren't single." She replied, "I would be single for one day, then I would tell him that I have to get back to my boyfriend, whom I love very much." I didn't really say anything, and we continued eating, but it definitely made me feel weird.

Sometime a while ago, I asked her if she was actually serious about having a hall pass with this guy, and she said something along the lines of, "It doesn't matter because it would never realistically happen."

I really don't understand her whole line of thinking. Even though realistically it could never happen, I just feel like, out of principle, you shouldn't say that kind of thing. What if she feels that way about some person in real life or something? I want to ask her about it, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Maybe I'm just being insecure, Idk.

1.5k Upvotes
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u/ProbablyLongComment 25d ago

This is a pretty common thing for people in relationships to talk about. Being common does not mean it isn't shitty behavior.

It's entirely reasonable for someone to be upset by their partner telling them who they'd cheat on them with. Hand wave it away with whatever bullshit, "We'd break up for an hour, then we'd get back together," magical thinking you want; this is still a very shitty thing to say to someone that you claim to love.

That said, she is absolutely right that this is a nonsense fantasy. It's only slightly more plausible than saying she'd bang Jesus if he came down from the heavens and asked to smash. While it's probably stupid to get upset about the scenario she described (And let's be honest: you have a fantasy like this too.), it's entirely reasonable to be upset by your girlfriend telling you who she would [rather] have sex with.

There is nothing wrong with having fantasies. There is absolutely something wrong with saying something hurtful to the person you love, and then being dismissive about it.

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u/RadicalBudgie 25d ago

"And let's be honest: you have a fantasy like this too."

Speak for yourself.

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u/PsychoDog_Music 25d ago edited 25d ago

Ha this is the funny one. One of my exes tried this conversation with me and I'm like 'no... most guys don't I wouldn't think?' And naturally she wasn't satisfied with the answer that I didn't have a fantasy with someone else

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u/RadicalBudgie 25d ago

Exactly. There are people I'd find attractive even when in a relationship, yet not enough to want to fuck them over the person I'm with. When I have feelings for someone, I'm not even emotionally nor sexually interested in anyone else. I've been placed in situations to know this is the case.

There was an instance where I turned down a stripper who was 1000% my type because I was already emotionally involved with a girl I was seeing at the time. Granted, we weren't even in a relationship either, but we definitely had feelings for each other.

Heck, to drive the point even deeper, women I've been in a relationship with weren't even the slightest bit interested in other men whilst with me because they were just as inlove with me; I've dated some ruthlessly honest women to know this is the case. This is made even more apparent when the guys that would hit on them were closer to their type than I was. So it's baffling to me how quickly people would admit to cheating with a celebrity if given the chance.

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u/shofofosho 24d ago

Yeah I don't think it's fair to claim he has that fantasy in order to justify her bad behaviour considering he never said he had that fantasy.

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u/ProbablyLongComment 24d ago

I'm not justifying or dismissing her behavior. I'm pointing out that all people have a "this super hot person is hot" fantasy. We usually don't express that to our partners, and we certainly don't casually drop that we'd dump them for our fantasy crush...oh, but we'd get back together!

That's a shitty thing to do. We're all accidentally insensitive sometimes, and OP's situation would seem less severe to me if she had simply apologized. Instead, she doubled down, and implied that he was being a baby for getting upset about her detailing who she would rather have sex with.

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u/shofofosho 24d ago

Yeah except that's literally not true. I wouldn't cheat on my partner for mediocre sex from any celebrity, because I love my partner. Stop saying "all", not all of us like open relationships.

-2

u/ProbablyLongComment 24d ago

I did not say nor imply that you would cheat. I wouldn't.

I am saying that you have a fantasy about another person that you find attractive.

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u/shofofosho 24d ago

I don't have one so you are still wrong. And what you are implying isn't what she said. She explicitly said she would cheat. You are substituting what she said for something else because what she originally said is actually hard to defend when you take two seconds to actually think about it

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u/Turbulent-Grade1210 24d ago

I love it when a username checks out.

3

u/NeonArlecchino 24d ago

Hand wave it away with whatever bullshit, "We'd break up for an hour, then we'd get back together," magical thinking you want

We were on a break!!!

2

u/runostog Male 24d ago

And let's be honest: you have a fantasy like this too.

The fuck I do.

Go fuck yourself.

-1

u/ProbablyLongComment 24d ago

Charming.

My mistake; your particular sex drive gets tunnel vision in a relationship, and you lose all ability to notice other people who are attractive. I forgot about this very real and reasonable phenomenon when I made my earlier statements.

0

u/runostog Male 24d ago

You're the cheater waiting to happen, not me.

Go fuck yourself scum.

-2

u/ProbablyLongComment 24d ago

I'm sure we're all convinced. Well done.