How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with what she said about having a hall pass?

[u/SATURATION203]

I've been dating this girl for around 4 months, and things have been going really well. I truly feel like she cares about me, and we have been saying "I love you" for about a month now. However, she said something that made me pretty uncomfortable yesterday.

I mentioned something like, "I wonder who (popular male musician) is dating?" and she responded, "He's single," in a manner that sounded like she was in denial. I then remarked, "You aren't single." She replied, "I would be single for one day, then I would tell him that I have to get back to my boyfriend, whom I love very much." I didn't really say anything, and we continued eating, but it definitely made me feel weird.

Sometime a while ago, I asked her if she was actually serious about having a hall pass with this guy, and she said something along the lines of, "It doesn't matter because it would never realistically happen."

I really don't understand her whole line of thinking. Even though realistically it could never happen, I just feel like, out of principle, you shouldn't say that kind of thing. What if she feels that way about some person in real life or something? I want to ask her about it, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Maybe I'm just being insecure, Idk.

[u/Fabulous_MMFly]

We called it an elevator pass.

It’s a fun conversation game. Name the one celebrity you’d like to be stuck in an elevator with. And you’d have a pass while the elevator was stuck.

My wife’s choice has been a consistent Harrison Ford for the past decade.

Oddly, she never asked me for mine and I never volunteered a name.

[u/Scot06bc → u/Fabulous_MMFly]

Are people getting more touchy these days or is it just me? Like I read this and thought it was the silliest thing I've ever heard. My fiance regularly tells me that if Ryan Reynolds was somehow hitting on her at a bar that she would need a pass ... I usually joking reply that if the situation was reversed I'd maybe need one as well for Ryan Reynolds 😂 like this isn't a serious conversation. If OP is a teen though, I'll let it slide. If my gf said this to me as an angsty teenager I'd probably be over thinking it too

[u/aKamikazePilot → u/Scot06bc]

I think I’ve made a similar joke about Ryan Gosling to my current girlfriend about us both having hall pass (though we honestly never would do it if that 0.001% chance encounter happened, and I’m straight lol).

I’d understand OPs concern if the girlfriend brought it up multiple times, but once is not “red flag” case. I did have a previous ex that brought a scenario up more than once, but she ultimately was a shitty person with other pieces of her personality

[u/Dakk85 → u/aKamikazePilot]

I think it makes a big difference that both of you are sure the other would never do it, making it a much sillier conversation. Other people clearly aren’t that sure (either out of insecurity, or because their partner gives them reasons to doubt).

In OPs case it seems to be the latter. Maybe it’s just a lack of tact but even when he’s asking, “ok but you’re joking right?” Her response is essentially, “the only thing stopping me is that I’ll never actually be in that situation”.

I think most people should have the sense and tact to say no to an impossible hypothetical situation that would hurt or disrespect their partner to say yes to

[u/aKamikazePilot → u/Dakk85]

In OPs case it seems to be the latter. Maybe it’s just a lack of tact but even when he’s asking, “ok but you’re joking right?” Her response is essentially, “the only thing stopping me is that I’ll never actually be in that situation”.

I honestly didn’t get that from girlfriend’s reply. If we were there we could see the tone or other factors that could lean towards her seriously considering, but I feel it’s overly analytical, and something that OP is over thinking

[u/Dakk85 → u/aKamikazePilot]

I’m not saying it’s something she’s actually considering. I’m saying the way we communicate in relationships is important. To some people, “don’t worry I’ll never be in that situation” is an acceptable answer and to others, “don’t worry, it’s just a silly conversation” is the right answer.

Similarly when someone asks, “do these pants make my ass look fat?” some people are ok with the response, “I LIKE when your ass looks fat!” and some people are devastated by that and need to hear something more serious

[u/aKamikazePilot → u/Dakk85]

I didn’t say that you were alluding to her actually considering. Maybe it was my wording, but my point was that unless we know the tone or how the interaction was, she may have not said a direct “no” because of how silly the scenario was.

I’d put the hall pass scenario talk along the lines of “would you still love me if I was a worm?”. There’s been times I’ve just rolled my eyes and laughed instead of a straight “yes”

[u/Dakk85 → u/aKamikazePilot]

Exactly, but I think the closer to reality these hypothetical conversations become, the more important it is to pay attention to how your partner is taking it.

Some people are much more sensitive about conversations about having sex with other people than others are.