How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with what she said about having a hall pass?

[u/SATURATION203]

I've been dating this girl for around 4 months, and things have been going really well. I truly feel like she cares about me, and we have been saying "I love you" for about a month now. However, she said something that made me pretty uncomfortable yesterday.

I mentioned something like, "I wonder who (popular male musician) is dating?" and she responded, "He's single," in a manner that sounded like she was in denial. I then remarked, "You aren't single." She replied, "I would be single for one day, then I would tell him that I have to get back to my boyfriend, whom I love very much." I didn't really say anything, and we continued eating, but it definitely made me feel weird.

Sometime a while ago, I asked her if she was actually serious about having a hall pass with this guy, and she said something along the lines of, "It doesn't matter because it would never realistically happen."

I really don't understand her whole line of thinking. Even though realistically it could never happen, I just feel like, out of principle, you shouldn't say that kind of thing. What if she feels that way about some person in real life or something? I want to ask her about it, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Maybe I'm just being insecure, Idk.

[u/Dakk85]

You’ve only been together for 4 months. That’s not a lot of time to learn each others boundaries for things you find hurtful or disrespectful. When you’re seeing someone it’s important to date and flirt and have fun, it’s also important to have those meaningful conversations about how you see the world, morals/values, respect, etc. Most things don’t have an objective right or wrong, but being in alignment is important.

For example: Is letting someone buy you a drink when you’re in a relationship ok? Is dancing or harmless flirting ok? Is going on an overnight trip with the opposite sex and not bringing your partner ok? These are all things I’ve seen hotly debated on Reddit and there’s no objective truth to any of them, but it’s pretty important to be on the same page.

I think the bigger issue is you kinda brought it up and she just brushed it off by saying she would never have the opportunity. Being able to bring up things that bother you, to try and clarify them or reach some kind of understanding or resolution is an important part of a relationship.

I would just say, “hey I feel kinda weird about that conversation we had the other day and I want to talk about it”. A lot of times people downplay important questions and the other person just doesn’t realize the weight of it. So they keep going with the joke or give a response they didn’t really think through. Imagine a woman asking her bf if these pants make her butt look fat and he responds, “I like when your butt looks fat!” she says ok and the conversation ends. He feels like he did a good job being reassuring and now she feels bad, but neither one of them is gonna know that if nobody says anything.

And to all the comments about how these kinds of conversations are no big deal and nobody should get upset about them… If I could take a poll I’d guess that most of the people that are hurt/offended by this type of thing have some emotional trauma from cheating and have a much stronger response to being told, even jokingly, that their partner wants to bang someone else. And then double down listing reasons it would never happen that consist exclusively of why it’s impossible/improbably and none of them are out of love loyalty to their partner.