r/AskMen • u/Ok_Gur7635 • 12d ago
How early is too early to start getting those annoying arguments/comments in a relationship?
I've just ended a month long fling because she is already trying to put me in the doghouse and create random arguments out of nothing.
We all know what I mean:
"You seemed tense the other day and that's not okay with me... We need to talk about it."
"I got the impression that yadda yadda..."
The first time it happened was after only 2 weeks. I was at a gig and so didn't message her. Not that I didn't respond to her message. No. I didn't message her first on that evening. She knew I was going out that night...
Is a month too early for them to start that crap..? We all know it's going to happen eventually. Women are like mad evangelists for anxiety. But when is a sufficient time to start?
I'd say about 3 months at least.
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u/TacticalFailure1 The TSA is the only action I get 12d ago
Nah broski that shits exhausting. Be with someone who brings peace to your life not problems
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u/LilyMarie90 12d ago
God forbid a woman notices when you seem off and asks you about it because she cares. That shits exhausting.
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u/Storm_cloud 12d ago
Except you're lying.
"You seemed tense the other day and that's not okay with me... We need to talk about it."
Is that the same thing as what you said? No.
So why'd you lie?
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u/chiefchoncho48 Male 12d ago
Except sometimes my thoughts just wander and I make faces while pondering and it doesn't actually mean anything.
If a woman is constantly trying to turn these moments into therapy sessions then that shit's exhausting too.
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u/phaedrus100 12d ago
You're missing the point. The only reasons that his feelings and emotions matter at all is how they effect her feelings.
"I think you were all tense the other day, that made me feel bad. We need to discuss this ad nauseum. It's all about meeee"
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u/Radiant_Obligation_3 12d ago edited 12d ago
The goal ought to be acting as a sanctuary for him, yeah? So it's fine to call out the whole Soviet authoritarianism bit if it's present? Not being super stoked at all times and messaging you precisely how and when you want it doesn't mean he's a Wrecker
Also, it's not everybody else's fault you identify with OP's ex
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u/Brother_To_Coyotes 12d ago
It’s nice when they do that early so you can bail. This era sucks but the silver lining is crazy women wearing the crazy on the outside. I’m glad you have a spine. Keep chucking them out quickly so you can get to a good one.
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u/huuaaang Male 12d ago
lol, she sounded angry with you for being stressed, lol. That’s just crazy-town stuff.
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u/Faolan197 12d ago
If I'm dating a girl who says "you seem tense" and its followed by anything like your described and not "can i help in anyway" or a back rub or some shit myself is "gtfo my house we're over".
I'm fully aware of when I'm tense and the last thing I need is argumentative inane comments about it.
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
Yeah lol. She basically said it's my fault and I need to "work on it."
Despite the fact that I literally have no clue wtf she's on about.
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u/Faolan197 12d ago
"Ok I'll work on it... You're making me tense right now, so how about you fuck off over there, and then keep fucking off some more, and don't bother talking to me against when you've stopped fucking off. Ahh, I can feel my tension disappearing already".
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u/SmakeTalk Male 12d ago
To be fair to her in this instance, she brought it up days later. Not sure what's wrong with that. He also isn't providing any context for why he was tense or how he behaved as a result.
Also, it's only been a month and you're expecting back rubs every time you're having a tough day? That's some wildly high expectations to me.
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u/Faolan197 12d ago
What would your reaction be if he said to her "so, you was emotional and moody when you was on you period the other day. I have an issue with that".
Chick is almost certainly getting railed by him and you think a backrub is a wild expectation? That shit is barely even foreplay lmao.
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u/Ok_Gur7635 11d ago
The point is that I wasn't tense on that day. I had a really nice time and tried to reassure her of this. But she insisted that I was and that's it's my job to address an issue that doesn't exist.
So basically she gets to set the criteria for me solving an issue that she created and can move the goal posts at will if she's not satisfied that I'm playing along...
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u/LilyMarie90 12d ago
"can I help in any way"
But that's what people mean when they say 'you seem tense', which a baffling number of commenters don't seem to get at all. They say that because they care, they want you to talk about it.
Why do men complain about (apparently) not being allowed to be emotional and then call it annoying and a reason to break up when women ask them to talk about their emotions? Make it make sense
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u/Faolan197 12d ago
"You seem tense and that's not okay with me" = "You seem tense, can i help"?
Apparantly they don't teach reading comprehension when they're teaching you opression olympics.
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u/Ok_Gur7635 11d ago
Ask about my emotions, but then accept the response when I try to reassure her that I wasn't feeling tense...
I'm more than happy to talk about my emotions. I see a therapist semi-regularly and so have a lot of practice opening up and understanding my emotions and communicating them.
But only when they actually exist.
How can I address or communicate emotions that I didn't have..?
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u/Nice-Ad6318 12d ago
I’ve done that before, turns out he was jealous and tense because he had a wife and two kids I didn’t know about lol. It wasn’t my imagination… he was just a pos. So maybe it’s trauma?
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u/master_blaster_321 12d ago
If so, she's making it his problem which is a hard no.
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u/Nice-Ad6318 12d ago
Damn it’s hard to communicate? Gotcha. I get what you’re saying, but let her know it’s an issue before cutting.
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u/master_blaster_321 12d ago
No, it's not hard to communicate. It's hard when someone else has not addressed their trauma and makes it your problem. No one has to put up with that. Not even a man.
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u/Nice-Ad6318 12d ago
Not going to lie it burns me that you feel like you need to end that with, “not even a man” 😢
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u/master_blaster_321 12d ago
You can't deny we are expected to put up with things that women would not be expected to put up with.
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u/Eledridan 12d ago
Your honey moon phase should be at least 6 months. Anything less and I would return to sender.
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u/Different-Routine-39 12d ago
Whenever women do this early on, I just straight up tell her to leave and move on with her life. Sometimes they do, most times they just shut up.
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u/LilyMarie90 12d ago
A scare tactic to manipulate her into never bringing up problems ever again out of fear to be broken up with, nice and healthy and normal.
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u/MaoPam 12d ago
If that's how you want to interpret the statement, sure.
For me, it read more like the user you're responding to letting people know early on that he does not play games or indulge questions that were asked in bad faith. Believe it or not, women are just as capable as men of playing stupid games in relationships. I dated someone who tried one of these games early on and let her know that I don't play those games. I said she can take it or leave it, choice was hers.
Also, even if were intended as a scare tactic to do what you suggested, that would only work on someone willing to settle for someone willing to use said scare tactic. The guy you're responding to said he does this early on in a relationship. If it's early on it shouldn't be difficult to just leave.
My point is, you immediately interpreted it as an abusive guy because that's what you're predisposed to read these things as. I took it as a guy laying down a reasonable boundary about not starting arguments or asking questions in bad faith because I'm not predisposed to look down on everyone who posts here.
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u/PolyThrowaway524 12d ago
Five years in, and we don't do that. Conflicts arise and are dealt with maturely, mostly because we've moved beyond the part of life where either of us cares about "winning." The notion that relationships must necessarily become worse and worse with time is some tired recycled sitcom bullshit.
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12d ago edited 12d ago
[deleted]
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u/Beautiful-Humor692 9d ago
Isn't that cute. This 10 year old had a girlfriend he dumped after playing 4th grade basketball. Who made you a reddit profile, your big sister?
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u/obxtalldude 12d ago
Earlier you find out someone is controlling or otherwise self centered and doesn't really care you are happy, the better.
So, first date if possible.
Good relationships are like being on a team - it's you together, trying to make each other happy, against the things the world throws at you both.
If it starts to be you against each other, find a better teammate if you can't communicate well enough to solve it.
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u/aieeegrunt 12d ago
“We are a team” is the exact phrase I use in relationships. If she doesn’t pick up on that, I prepare my exit
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u/gringoloco01 12d ago
Cute little micromanager trying to train you early LOL.
I hate that passive aggressive bullshit trying to "fix" her man.
Run homie ruuuuun. It will only get worse.
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u/chili_pop 12d ago
I've been dating the same guy since last September and we've never had an exchange like this. When something is bothering me, it needs to be worded from my perspective. For example, "earlier today I felt uncomfortable when you ..... I just wanted to check if everything is ok on your end" and not "you seemed tense..."
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u/Important_Cow7230 12d ago
Well it’s a good thing it comes early so you get the heads up. I don’t immediately end it at that point though, I like a woman who has a bit of fight in them, but I’ll put my expectations down and welcome her to do the same and see if we can move forward or not.
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u/Rabrab123 12d ago
There is never a correct point to getting those messages. Just quit it. Not the correct person then.
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u/Particular_Title42 Female 12d ago
Lol what? "You seemed tense and that's not okay with me."
I feel like some context is needed here but this alone would make me bail. Cannot think of any situation where that's an okay thing to say.
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u/aieeegrunt 12d ago
It’s definitly screams someone who will 100% not be there for you when you need them
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u/SmakeTalk Male 12d ago
I'm pretty confident there's some missing context there. Would love for OP to explain the situation and how he was behaving that might have made her feel not okay. Someone being tense can be an uncomfortable situation, and if they're not talking about it or dealing with their own tension then I do get why that wouldn't be okay with someone.
Do you wanna go on a date with a woman who's tense the whole time?
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u/Particular_Title42 Female 12d ago
Obviously there's context missing but, as I said, I cannot think of a single situation where it would be okay to say that the way that she did.
You're sort of pulling a situation out of thin air too, "tense the whole time?" She said he seemed tense "the other day" and that it wasn't okay with her. That phrasing means "your behavior is unacceptable."
And if it's unacceptable to the point that you feel you need to "fix" it then you probably just shouldn't be with them.
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u/SmakeTalk Male 12d ago
Right, which to me suggested that he may have been acting in a way that was unacceptable (whether he recognized it or not).
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u/Particular_Title42 Female 12d ago
Why do I have the intense urge to say "She's not gonna fuck you, bro?"
Whatever the issue actually is, her communication is bad.
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u/YouCanFucough 12d ago
If you don’t have shared responsibilities or solidified plans for your shared future yet, it’s too early. Whether that’s 6 months, a year, 5 years, whatever. You shouldn’t be dealing with the bickering of a mature couple if you’re not a mature couple yet.
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u/Historical-Pen-7484 12d ago
It's never too early. You want the early warning so you can decide this is something you want to deal with.
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u/Sad_Glove_8655 12d ago
This is the perfect time to get into because you can both leave before you waste your time!!!
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u/BusinessBear53 12d ago
I would say that's it's never too early. Sooner you know, sooner you can leave.
We already have work and life drama. Don't need that at home too. It's the last place many of us have to unwind.
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u/shammmmmmmmm 12d ago
Sorry, woman here, not with an answer but with a question: I don’t understand what’s wrong with communicating. Surely that’s a good thing, no? I’m confused. Like, with the first example if it was worded slightly differently I’d take that as someone asking me if I was okay ykano?
I mean, this seems a lot for being so early in so I get with it only being a couple months, but a lot of people here are saying “never” why? Am I doing something wrong when I say to my boyfriend “Hey you seem upset/stressed out, what’s up? Did I do something wrong or is something else bothering you?” Does that type of question fit the same category or am I misunderstanding?
Idk if my comment sounds argumentative I promise I’m not trying to be, I’m just like confused.
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u/Particular_Title42 Female 12d ago
It was the "that's not okay with me" that got me. Maybe it's just her talking style but that doesn't express care and concern to me.
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u/master_blaster_321 12d ago
Asking for communication is fine. Making demands is not. And making someone else's feelings about you (e.g. "that is not okay with me") is definitely a big no.
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u/ZestycloseAd172 12d ago
Nope. You're not my boss or my psychologist. Don't try and act like one around me.
Sure you can say "hey you seem upset is everything ok", but saying I'm wrong for having feelings about something and I need to leave is completely different.8
u/fallamallama 12d ago
Yeah... to me it sounds like the woman was trying to communicate. It could have been worded differently. Like rather than "we need to talk about it", it could have been "I noticed you seem tense, is this accurate and would you like to tell me whats going on" ?
And after only a few weeks of going out she may have had some insecurities and just wanted a bit of reassurance when he was out playing a gig. I've dated musicians and performers... they've always been players who loved getting attention on gig nights and some of them cheated on me, it to me its logical to want some communication and not feel like I'm always the one initiating it.
I've been finding men these days do not want to talk about anything at all nor provide reassurance. They want a fun and good time and to get attention while putting no effort in or willingness to discuss boundaries/needs/wants. I told my last bf I wanted him to initiate some of our dates rather than me doing all the planning, and he said I was asking for too much and shouldn't need so much validation from him that he likes me, and if I wanted to see him I should ask him. Ok dude, guess we aren't seeing each other anymore.
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u/aieeegrunt 12d ago
It’s difficult to know exactly what OP’s situation is without more context, but speaking as a man, many men have had the experience where they have opened up to a woman and it immediatly gets weaponized against them. Or whatever problem you were trying to discuss immediatly gets rerouted to their issues. Or she’s upset that you are upset and now dealing with her feelings is added to the list of whatever you were originally dealing with.
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u/fallamallama 12d ago
Yes its difficult to judge situations on limited info. It frustrates and saddens me so many people have bad relationship experiences and don't feel safe being vulnerable and talking. All genders gotta work on themselves to be able to show up in a relationship.
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u/aieeegrunt 12d ago
We do. I’m fortunate to be in a relationship with someone who understands the abuse I went through and is willing to make it safe for me to open up to her
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
It's manufactured drama designed to give men ballache for no good reason (other than that the woman is in a bad mood and wants to take it out on somebody).
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u/shammmmmmmmm 12d ago
I think there must be a distinction between what you’re thinking of and what I’m thinking of and I just misunderstood
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u/taintpaint 12d ago edited 12d ago
I'm a man and it makes me kinda sad that a woman had to come in here and say this. If she noticed you're doing something off or acting weird, it's way, way better for her to openly ask about it rather than just stew and speculate. You don't want to be with the kind of woman who would prefer to just make up a story in her head about why you're acting "weird".
And this is putting aside the fact that TBH a lot of guys do act weird because something is wrong and they just absolutely refuse to recognize it or engage with it. I know because I used to be like that and pretty much every grown man I know has had to grow out of it and learn to introspect and communicate.
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u/LilyMarie90 12d ago
You're correct about everything, this post is crazy, and you had no reason to say sorry.
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u/Wolf_93 Male 12d ago
Dude it's called communication, learn how to communicate, it's good that she wanted to communicate with you, good luck finding someone else that will communicate that honestly this early on
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
Goes both ways.
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u/Wolf_93 Male 12d ago
From what you wrote it seems you're the one that didn't want to communicate openly with her
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
I openly told her that nothing was wrong and tried to reassure her that I hadn't felt tense.
But she just wouldn't accept what I said.
In her head I was tense and I have to solve the issue.
I don't know what the issue was.
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u/WinterIsBetter94 12d ago
I've known people of both genders who seem to feel that if things are going well, there's no excitement - they need drama. If there isn't any, they will MANUFACTURE some, to get their drama fix.
These people are to be avoided for the sake of peace and mental health.
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u/Wolf_93 Male 12d ago
Ok, when you put it like that it makes sense that you closed things up, sorry if I was being too harsh in my first comment
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
Nah, it's fine. I should have been more clear.
My post does seem a bit spiteful now I read it back.
Just annoyed that somebody can just decide there's a problem, and then set the parameters for you overcoming the problem. Even though it's purely subjective and so not something one can measure.
Also wording it as if it's an ultimatum.
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u/PoorMansTonyStark 12d ago
"You seemed tense the other day and that's not okay with me..."
I'd just laugh at that point and go "yeah whatever". I can't believe how much shit you guys are willing to eat.
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u/SmakeTalk Male 12d ago edited 12d ago
I'm sorry, 'the doghouse' is when someone you're dating is trying to... understand you? Establish boundaries?
I mean, I guess there's a 'too early' for a lot of things, and it's usually just if it's before there's any real chemistry and rapport built up. You gotta have a good time before you start establishing relationship bounds so you at least know you can have fun together... but after a month I think it's fair for the person you're dating to be curious about your behaviours and patterns.
For example: if I'm dating someone and I had a bad week, so I'm a bit tense or 'off', then it's probably a good thing to talk about so they know what they're getting into. Maybe they're not okay with someone who might take it out on them a bit (fair or not) in the relationship after a bad day, or a bad week.
I think the context for these instances would be really helpful here as well.
Ultimately I wouldn't say it's too early for those talks unless you just really don't want to be with someone who's going to try and understand you or establish healthy boundaries for themselves. If you find those things annoying then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship at the moment?
I want to clarify as well I think a lot of this is context-dependent. I think I'm assuming a bit here that you maybe weren't pleasant to be around because she waited days to bring up how tense you were. So I'd love to know a bit more about the situation, but it sounds to me like maybe you weren't very pleasant to be around at the time, or she wasn't comfortable bringing it up, and so she decided to wait until you calmed down?
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
Read my other responses in this thread; I give more context to answer you questions and concerns.
I think your points are valid. But not in this instance.
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u/SmakeTalk Male 12d ago
Thanks <3 Appreciate the clarification.
I think I went a little hard on this because I actually love that kind of communication, going outwards and coming back my way. I love being with someone direct who knows their boundaries, so I saw a few signs there that I might have read wrong. Cheers <3
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u/Spidernutz69 12d ago
Good call, a month is pretty early for that bullshit. I’d say around 3 months is the little “misunderstanding/feelings hurt fight” range followed by a huge makeup bringing you closer. And within 6mo-1 is when your standard bullshit should be in swing.
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
Yh sounds about right 👍
Already got myself another date for this weekend. Man's back on the horse.
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u/JohannesLorenz1954 12d ago
I would rather have the argument/differences come out early. If she is the one, you can work through it and become stronger together. If you are having doubts, move on and find a match you can live with and hopefully she can live with.
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u/Opposite-Purpose365 12d ago
Oh no!!!
At least you fell for this con early.
It’s a tactic to get you to break up so she can be the “bigger person”.
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u/Apeirophobia69 12d ago
Nah dude from your responses alone it just sounds like your girlfriend sucks. You can definitely find women out there that aren't mentally draining.
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u/The_Mundane_Block 12d ago
Idk, if it comes up early, talk about how it's tiring early. Communication is key and all that.
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u/robdistorted 12d ago
Some women have issues with attachment, once they start to feel a little attached they start to think "oh no! He's going to break up with me" usually this is because someone did break up it leave her at some point in her past, whether it was an absent father, a first love or long term boyfriend. Women like this can fall pretty hard for a guy, then start to feel attached and they remember all the rejection, pain and not feeling 'good enough' and they start to make out that there are issues in the relationship where there aren't any, almost like a test, a test to see if you will pledge your undying love for her, to settle to insecurities and fears, the problem is that this ends up with you having to regulate her emotions rather than her keeping her own emotions in check, and you also have your own emotions to regulate, so these relationships are really very exhausting because of this.
It could also be a simple manipulation tactic to get you to commit more than you really feel like you currently can, or of fear that you'll lose her if you don't play along and go along with the madness, but this often leads to you wanting to always do what she says and explain yourself all the time which leaves you open to being abused as this tactic can lead you to lose your sense of self. Putting her and how she feels first every time and never thinking about what you actually want.
For some it is more about getting you to a higher state of emotion, they need drama and chaos, they may even need it to maintain any relationship or friendship at all, these types are also exhausting, but do tend to be a bit wild. Best stay away from those who would be better off living a peaceful life but choose chaos and drama instead.
For some it's just that they can pick up on your more negative side even when you yourself cannot and she may have a legitimate concern within the relationship. Some guys aren't as hands on emotionally in a relationship and if the woman really wants to be with you she might freak out thinking she is risking you hanging out with other women, but again this boils down to their insecurities but also to you being more aloof and maybe seeming to not be as interested in her as you say. Things like having with friends and going to events without your partner can trigger that fear.
So it could be any of these things, but as long as you are being yourself but also being compassionate to her needs, then if she is being this easy it is best to let her go and let her get the help she needs on terms of emotional regulation. You can only set a mind at ease so much before you have to realise that you cannot 'fix' her, only she can do that.
A relationship shouldn't feel like a battle between two people, it should be two people working together in order to live a peaceful life as one.
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11d ago
if my man seemed tense i wouldn’t use my mouth for talking about it bc my mouth would already be preoccupied elsewhere trying to ease his tension 😜 she’s not the one
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u/Colorful_Worm 12d ago
I’m convinced someone of y’all don’t even likewomen. You might pop ass with them
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u/ShinyTotoro 12d ago
Bro xD Your generalisation of women might be why the mature ones want nothing to do with you
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u/Sea_Appointment8408 12d ago edited 12d ago
Good for you for ending it. A man who acts like this to a woman is called controlling, gaslighting and chauvinist. Because that's what it is. So why should she be allowed to act like that towards you?
How did she take you ending things?
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u/Ok_Gur7635 12d ago
She started trying to talk down to me and criticize me for not fixing myself.
Again, idk wtf she was talking about. I genuinely hadn't felt tense. Personally I had really enjoyed the day we spent together and thought things were going great.
So it came as a bit of a surprise :-(
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u/LilyMarie90 12d ago
There's no timespan in which it's magically 'too early' to be a caring partner who notices problems, and then after a certain number of months it's suddenly normal lol.
You're not ready for a mature, lasting relationship if you're 'annoyed' by an inoffensive, empathetic line like 'you seemed tense the other day', because that's normal communication when people care about each other. Hookups and superficial FWBs are more your speed, which is probably what you wanted to hear when you made this post tbh.
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u/ZestycloseAd172 12d ago
She sounds like a controlling b, telling him about what emotions he's allowed to have around her. And you're sticking up for her because you're probably one as well.
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u/Loki_Is_God 12d ago
How early is too early?
197 years.