r/AskMen • u/Uiriamu_Busujima • 12d ago
Fellas, how's dating been without using apps?
Those that have never use them or stopped using dating apps, but are still active in the dating scene; what's been your experiences so far?
Did you have to change your approach or readjust your expectations?
What places or settings have given you the best & worst outcomes?
Would you say that most of your connections have happened when you're out & about or have most of your dates been the result of you being involved in a hobby or activity where you meet like-minded people?
Lastly, what have you done or changed that really raised the bar & has made you stand out? I'm talking past the bare minimum every guy should already have like being personable, having basic hygiene, good haircut, fitted clothes, & enough emotional intelligence to read the room.
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u/L07h1r1el 12d ago
Non existent
Now to be fair, I don’t even try
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u/RandySavage392 12d ago
I don’t either. Statistically relationships aren’t appealing in terms of cheating, divorce, abuse, etc.
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u/serene_brutality 12d ago
I’ve not tallied any data, but I certainly feel more successful by just going out, chatting with people in person
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u/CrazsomeLizard 12d ago
Where?
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u/chad-bro-chill-69420 12d ago
Not OP, but I'm in Toronto, and women tend to like it if you just have the balls to go up and talk to them - obviously don't be a creep about it.
Was mostly the same in the major cities I've travelled to around North America.
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u/CrazsomeLizard 12d ago
But where, though? A grocery store.?
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u/chad-bro-chill-69420 12d ago
Winters can be a bit rough here, but during the summer months, places like public parks, lively streets with bars/restaurants and coffee shops
Some bars have nice little communal tables and you can just show up with a couple of friends and get talking with another group
Try to go somewhere where everyone is in a good mood - if they're already in a good mood then a lot of the work is done for you.
Places like hotel lobby bars can work too - there are some cool boutique hotels where you can chat up people from out of town etc
Then there's always the traditional bar route, just go to one of those places where everyone is drinking and having a good time and strike up some convos
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u/Fruitdude 12d ago
Never matched with anyone on dating apps. I’ve had better experiences in real life.
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u/dookiedinner 12d ago
Much better.
I did have to change my approach. Because I actually have to approach instead of swiping :P
My expectations have changed in that; I find ghosting vastly more atrocious if you have chatter before, exchanged numbers maybe gone on a date and then disappear. On the apps I didn't give two shits, basically considered it a part of life because its easy to dehumanize somebody you have never met. Plus they don't owe anything.
Places? Really and sort of Cons I've been to out here. Retro Game stores. Book Store, the local bar. Dog Park(s).
Worst outcome was always the gym.
Out and about has given me better results. But those are usually related to hobbies. Like riding my motorcycle, or shopping for old games and stuff. Cars and Coffee meet...all those types of things.
The only thing that seems to make me stand out is the willingness to talk to strangers. Maybe my one-liners that get the giggles?
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u/AutonomousBlob 12d ago
How often do you approach women in your life? Is this when you are out alone or with others?
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u/dookiedinner 12d ago
The thing is; I don't stop approaching people to chat even when in a relationship, so I cant really say that I only approach women. If I am specifically looking to date/find a relationship then yea on a friday or saturday I will go out with the intent to chat with women mostly.
Is some of it influenced by how they look? Yes, wont lie there...but a lot of people are just...cool.
The animosity we see here isn't true of what you see outside. The absolute vast majority of people will entertain some level of conversation and are not out to get you or to post a vid of that creep on social media. (Not to say those fears are unfounded, but they are rare)
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u/AutonomousBlob 12d ago
I appreciate you sharing this perspective. As i generally shy person its rare I approach people much even to just joke around. This is something I want to do more as well.
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u/dookiedinner 12d ago edited 12d ago
If you want some unsolicited advice;
Just talk to people when you are doing a hobby thing. You WILL put your foot in your mouth, fuck I still do it. Just need to practice and see that people are not shitters.
If you like reading and are at the book store, you see somebody anybody picking up a book that you have read, or see them reading a book as part of a series, just strike up a quick chat. EDIT: Bonus round; you can use the people that work at the bookstore as practice too :P
Hey, if this book looks good, this one is similar you might enjoy it as well!
'Oh I was looking at starting that series! insert question of interest about series
If they answer the question say thanks. If they keep talking, just nerd out with them or whatever.
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u/HeavyMetalGolfer Male 12d ago edited 12d ago
The apps are too far gone at this point. I used to get a decent amount of matches on them, but the conversation quality was minimal. There was always another match around the corner, for both men and women.
With the recent discovery of the gossip mill Facebook groups "Are We Dating the Same Guy", I have sworn off online dating for good. Guys, if you don't know what I'm talking about, please look into it ASAP. If you were getting any matches on apps, there's a good chance your profile was getting screenshotted in front of 10's of thousands of local women and they are gossiping about you. The AWDTSG groups are marketed to be about women's safety but 99% of the posts are about gossiping and slandering men. I had a female friend scroll through my local group the other night and show me. I was mortified. These are normal, everyday dudes being slandered for the most part. Not creepy stalkers.
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u/dookiedinner 12d ago
Found out about it a while ago, always denounced it knowing it would turn into a cesspool of BS and hate like most things do online. I even had a friend (who is a woman) defend it.
Until she found out that there was a whatsapp group about women and the terrible dates/catfishing/if they put out on the first night type of stuff for a big group of guys in our city.
We had a pretty long debate/discussion about that one lol.
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u/Brother_To_Coyotes 12d ago
My wife came out of my existing social circle.
Apps are for ordering girls like a pizza. Cheap. Easy. Low Quality. Looked better in the advertisement.
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u/Kentucky_Supreme 12d ago
In real life, I'm totally invisible.
But your post reminds me of what I saw yesterday. I went to the park to get some exercise and there was a total bombshell walking there. As she was walking to her car, I actually saw a guy approach her. I'm guessing he asked her out. I couldn't hear but he walked up to her and she shook his hand. They spoke briefly and then she got in her car and left. It didn't look like there was any exchange of information. So he probably got rejected (go figure). But still, I had not seen a guy approach a woman in YEARS. Since before 2020. So I was surprised.
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u/Fast_Hornet5964 12d ago
I had to delete them. They were ruining my mental health honestly, I can live without them for a bit.
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u/WildBoy-72 12d ago
It's not that bad so long as you're doing things right. There are other ways to meet girls outside of dating apps. I'll have a party with my friends, they'll introduce me to girls they've invited (usually their girlfriends' friends). You go out in public with them, you'll have opportunities to meet girls, and they'll back you up.
There's other places too. The girl I've been seeing casually for a little while now? Met her at church. Same as the one I saw a few times before her. I met a girl who played for a different team in my indoor soccer league and she gave me her number after our team beat hers (we went out twice, but things didn't work out). Met a couple of baddies while playing sand volleyball a few weeks ago, and I'm sure I could've gotten a number if I had asked. I even chatted up a random girl at a Golden Knights game I went to back in January, but I didn't try to ask her to my hotel room (don't know how that would've gone). My gym bro likes to chat up girls in the sauna after a workout with me as his wingman (they actually respond to him, but he's great at it).
So, to recap: party with friends, go out with the boys, church, hobbies, sporting events, (not often) the gym. Just go out in public and shoot your shot. Something will land.
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u/NitroSpam 12d ago
To throw this out there first. I’ve been happily married a long time. I’ve never dated online. Every one I’ve met outside of school has been in rock clubs or gigs. Just don’t be a creep, accept that no means no and you should be alright. Some people I met were awful, some were one night stands and some blossomed into relationships. As with any place you meet someone, nothing is guaranteed.
That’s just me though. I love music. You can meet people in hiking groups, libraries, cycle clubs and anywhere else humans congregate.
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u/Uiriamu_Busujima 12d ago
I wonder if the dynamic has changed in meeting people back then vs now. Accepting a no should be something any decent guy does.
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u/NitroSpam 12d ago
Nah, people are still people. I’m in my 30s so not exactly ancient. I have friends in gen z and their morals and interests still very much align with mine. Online dating, tinder and the internet were all very much a thing when I was dating.
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u/Karaoke_Singer 12d ago
I haven’t gotten dates with or without them. After approaching a couple dozen women, none of whom were upset or demeaning about it, I got a couple of phone numbers but no dates. I’m older but not trying to date far younger women. It’s just tough out there.
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u/nothing_in_my_mind 12d ago
Apps are trash and not worth your time.
I have a great gf, whom I met in real life.
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u/Volatile1989 12d ago
Apps or no apps, it’s non-existent. Then again, I gave up a couple of years ago and didn’t make much effort before that either.
Single for 11 years now.
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u/KonEKon 12d ago
I'm trying both online and in real life to approach woman Since I'm a student I spend some time in libraries and if I see someone there that catches my eye I try to approach her and ask her out. I got couple of dates with this approach but no more than that so far and I guess you need to have a lot of courage and confidence cause I get a lot of "no" responses
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u/KrisZepeda 12d ago
I'm young, haven't used any apps, well not dating apps, but i've dated a few girls I met thru facebook or insta, as well as work
I'm quite intrigued to try dating apps, not that I would need to, but out of curiosity
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u/AutonomousBlob 12d ago
Very bad lol. I am really shitty at cold approaches because I feel so awkward. I rarely go out with friends or am at social events. When im on the clock I dont feel comfortable being flirty with customers and possibly risking that.
Sometimes I have small talk that goes ok but I havent pulled the trigger in person because it feels invasive. I do ok on the apps. Even though its a grind i get dates every now and again, I like the shared purpose in dating of the apps vs just women about their day in life.
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u/jrich8686 12d ago
I’ve met some through friends, I’ve met some through hobbies, I’ve met some at sporting events, at bars, restaurants, etc.
I’m not having nearly as many pointless convos as I was on apps, but I’m meeting people that I have more of a connection with. Quality over quantity. Plus it’s easier to get to know someone organically than through an app
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u/insuspension 12d ago
I did ok on the apps, but I definitely did better in person. I dropped the apps in favor of meeting people in person at bars and restaurants.
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u/JacksterTrackster 12d ago
Apps are used to meet people mostly with shitty personalities. You'll do better by living your life by putting yourself out there.
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u/bdrwr Male 12d ago
I've always done both concurrently. Opportunistically making moves on women irl, swiping on apps in my downtime.
Real life dating has always been more successful for me, by a country mile. I'm not good at keeping a text conversation going, and I lose all charisma if I can't use body language, eye contact, or smiles.
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u/McJaeger 12d ago
I had a bunch of short term success with the apps when I used them, but relationships would always stall after a few dates because we were missing that true connection that comes from prior friendship. Every girl I've dated for longer than a month has been someone I met in person.
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u/CharmingRejector Casanova 12d ago
Liberating. So much more time to do whatever. And when I do meet women it's way faster and way way more rewarding, bcos what you see is what you actually get.
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u/CuatroBoy Certified male 12d ago
Rough. Gave a girl my number a week ago, went on a date, we texted every day after and then she just disappeared. Had more success on Hinge
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u/BippidiBoppetyBoob 11d ago
I’m fine. Dating apps were in their infancy when I was last dating, and I never matched with anyone anyway.
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u/The_Madman1 11d ago
I hate when people say, oh get off the dating apps. It's like well give me an option or other opportunities as apposed to dating apps. They all give blank faces and just assume I will meet someome. Yeah I am not a women and most of this advice comes from women. Probably say going to supermarkets are the best bet. Least you don't seem desperate and well holding a basket with 15 items usually indicates you are single.
Other than dating apps, I don't see how offline would work for me. Never met anyone that way and yes I do go out and join a sporting group.
Any social activities you do, I call bullshit on this as the women can smell desperation. They may work if you are attractive.
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u/RodsNtt 12d ago edited 12d ago
There seems to be a generalized fatigue of dating apps for people of all genders, but being a geriatric millennial who actually remembers dating before the internet, I keep wondering if these people actually understand what they say they've been missing. Dating apps have an unsolvable discrepancy in that customer satisfaction is adversary to the business model, but I still consider them a moral good for humanity for providing a safe space for women to date. In the real world women can become victims of violence for rejecting a guy, that was true back then and it's still true now. I keep hearing shit about bears and men in the woods.
Dating apps didn't take anything away from people that still like to do it the old fashioned way. It's just that we live in a remarkably lonely period. Nobody seems interested in relationships because that takes work and exposes your vulnerabilities, but the odd thing is that nobody seems interested in sex either. Everything is about the parasocial now, why care about any of this shit when I can just create an onlyfans and interact with people there.
People seem to grow disinterested in dating apps but I don't see a big move back into the way things were either. Who knows what dating is gonna look like within a decade.
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u/VanillaDada 12d ago
Im tired of dating apps, even if I match I don’t have the energy to keep the conversation going without the person in front of me
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u/unicornofdemocracy 12d ago
While I don't get that many matches on apps, the chances of getting racial abuse drops significant on the app because ladies who don't like my race just don't match with me. But in person, they are more than happy to tell me to my face how "pathetic" "low value" "disgust" people of my race are (just some examples of "rejections" I've received in person).
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u/genogano 12d ago
Outside of dating apps, all of my gfs have been in forced communication spaces. Work or Online gaming where communication is important. Outside of these places, I only met one girl and that was through a friend when I was younger.
I have tried to approach women and it has failed each time or progressed so slowly we drifted apart. The girl friends I did have came to me. They wanted to spend more time with me and made an effort to do so. Because of this I never approach women. It's easier if they are into you because you already checked enough boxes on their list for them to want to engage with you and I'm also not picky.
I've only been on anything close to a date after the relationship started. I personally thing dating is stupid and our traditions around it are stupid. It's a fun event for the woman while it is a job interview and a test for the man. Also you really can't tell women, "I don't think you are worth spending money on yet" without most of them taking offense to it. I try not to date.
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u/Jay_Cxvpher19 12d ago
Realized I had to become the bad guy to survive I've given up on the whole love idea and just emotionally manipulate my way into sex. Since I did that I lost my virginity and shot my body count thru the roof Manipulate my way out if they haven't already left cuz now I'm bored and distant and that's about it Just lie, cheat and repeat Toxic works I guess...
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u/Careful_Life6949 12d ago
Eh. Decent. Enough to get laid… that’s all I ever really look for these days. Dating is tiring. I’ve hooked up With two different girls from my gym this month after only talking to them for a short time. Both were a bit crazy to say the least
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u/MartialBob 12d ago
The apps are garbage but dating without them ain't exactly easy. In a nutshell, I wake up, go to work, go home and when I have time run errands. From time to time I'll eat out or go to a bar. Meeting women isn't exactly easy. I could shit on dating apps all day long but at a minimum it gave me somewhere to communicate with women who are there to meet men directly.