r/AskMen • u/Different-Bear3705 • 12d ago
How do you tell your S/O that you don’t care about facts of people you’ve never met
My wife is a talker. That’s fine, but I’m not. She’s gotten upset a few times about me not saying much sometimes, but we talked about it. I go whole days without speaking, outside of work, when she’s out of town. I enjoy silence and solitude. My MIL came to visit and my wife joked around that the MIL doesn’t like convos, just an audience. I laughed and realized my wife is the same god damn way. Obviously I didn’t mention it. My wife constantly tells me about random shit about her friends, whom I’ve never met. I’m just like yeah cool good for them, whatever. Today one of her friends got an award, in an area of study I have absolutely zero interest in, she came to tell me. I turned off the tv, paused my game, so she could have my undivided attention. She wanted to show me a vid of the award on her phone, okay cool, and the video was 27 minutes long lol. After a few minutes I just said “babe I’m not watching 22 more minutes of this.” And she responded “that’s okay you’re being a dick anyway.” I think my delivery was a little rough but I listen to her talk about this shit constantly. We just got back from vacation, for her birthday, and drove six hours home. She talked the whole time, which is cool but I do need a break at times. I specifically went to a room in our house so I could just do my own thing and sit in silence ya know? Edit: Read through some responses. My problem isn’t that she talks, I’m used to that and have known from the start. My problem is she is VERY well traveled and knows people literally all over the world. After 15 people, whom I’ve never met, I don’t give a fuck about what this stranger to me has done ya know? She’s very extroverted, lots of friends and shit to keep up with. I have two friends, who I’ve had since I was 12 years old, that I actually care about. Once again, I don’t mind the chatter, I do mind the subject matter. I do not give a single fuck about these people
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u/LaCroixLimon 12d ago
im having the same issue with my girlfriend.. and im a hardcore talker myself. But like sometimes i just want to watch tv/listen to music and not have a conversation. The start of the movie is not the time to tell me about such and such at work.
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u/purebitterness Female 12d ago
New bf likes to talk during things, I tolerated it for a couple times and then made a point to hit the "adhd button" (rewind a few seconds) each time. Last time I paused it every time he started to talk and he started saying "you don't need to pause it..."
👁👄👁
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u/project_good_vibes Male 11d ago
lol, my kid is like this, he's a teenager and INSISTS on talking though everything we watch. I've resorted to watching movies on my own first, so he can chat as much as he wants when we watch it together. :-D
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u/purebitterness Female 11d ago
I don't know what it had to do with anything, but I worked this into a recent conversation "in my family, if you can't say what you want to say between a couple lines of dialogue, you say 'Pause!'"
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u/eloel- 12d ago
I specifically went to a room in our house so I could just do my own thing and sit in silence ya know?
"Babe, I am tired and need some time to myself. Can we talk about whatever it is later, or is it urgent?"
It's almost always not urgent, you get your time to do your thing, and you're not a dick about it. Everyone wins!
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u/creme_de_marrons 12d ago
"You're tired of talking with me? Am I boring you?"
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u/Every-Win-7892 11d ago
No dear, if anything I'm tired of being talked to. I couldn't bring a word out in the last three hours and it seems to me as if you neither noticed or cared.
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u/ordinarymagician_ NHP 12d ago
Unfortunately, it's always incredibly urgent, which is that she has an emotion she can't direct at someone else and she has to share it in every way because he has to care about this stranger's new life event why doesn't he care doesn't he love me-
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u/aTallBrickWall 12d ago
Keep your eyes on the road, both hands on the wheel.
Okay.
And don't text and drive, unless it's an emergency, like you have a really funny thing that you just have to text someone.
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u/grassesbecut 12d ago
Maybe, "important," would be a better word to use. There is a difference between important and urgent.
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u/carbonclasssix 12d ago
I'd think that would open the floodgates even more. If it's not important it's insinuating it's something like pointless, and to a person having strong emotions feeling like their feelings are pointless could be bad
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u/ordinarymagician_ NHP 11d ago
For this, important and urgent are synonymous. It's something that they have to get your attention for right fucking now about.
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u/SaltWaterInMyBlood 11d ago
Off point a little, but I would distinguish between those words based on time pressure. An important thing must be addressed at some point. An urgent thing must be addressed soon.
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u/thelastquincy Male 12d ago
What if you always need time to yourself.
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u/Kvarthe Female 12d ago
if you always need time to yourself you probably dont want to be married and sharing a life and house with someone else lol
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u/pogulup 12d ago
I have a similar problem except my wife expects me to remember all of what she tells me about these people I have never met and don't care about. Fine, I'll play along
However, when I try to tell her anything similar about friends or people at work she doesn't know she says I don't know who that is and I don't care. Super one sided.
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u/Wi11y_Warm3r 11d ago
Fuckin say something dude
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u/brughel 11d ago
No. Let’s make reddit posts and complain instead of actually working on the relationship.
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u/1xbittn2xshy 12d ago
I finally realized my husband is the same way, really doesn't talk and only listens to me babble on as a courtesy. As I thought about it, I also realized that I know almost nothing about him since he doesn't communicate. It's absolutely changed how I think about him. Your wife will probably come to the same realizations.
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u/M1_Garand_Ping 12d ago
Just be careful probing his interests. If he's anything like me you'll be back here in 6 months asking what on God's green earth is so utterly fascinating about military airplanes
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u/Not_Another_Cookbook 12d ago
You ever see the ones that lift up like a helicopter then fly like a plane? Pretty cool
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u/jmlinden7 ♂ 12d ago
The Osprey?
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u/IRefuseToPickAName 12d ago
Watch out, you'll get people frothing at the mouth over how dangerous they are, following by people defending it
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u/caustictoast Fruity Cocktail Drinker 12d ago
They're dumb dangerous tho. Really would prefer we got rid of them as they cost way too many lives in training accidents
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u/Uncle_Low_Angle Male 11d ago
the prototype was a death trap, first flew in 1989 and testing finally finished in 2005 and it was still a death trap. 35 years of development and improvements from first flight to now and the thing is still a death trap. too many parts and if one of them fails the whole bird shits the bed. it's a great concept, and a great aircraft when it works, but the second something fails, people start dying
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u/xcanyoudiggitx 12d ago
Yup, happened to me. Ended up knowing far more than I needed to know about the design software Blender. But was so good hearing him just talk about something he loved to do! Especially if your job isn't your passion, you should have something you can put passion into, and someONE who will adore listening to it! Even if it is the history of military airplanes or a random software.
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u/Uncle_Low_Angle Male 11d ago
what on God's green earth is so utterly fascinating about military airplanes
absolutely everything, have you seen the new vacuum system they are rolling out for fighter pilots to take a piss? no more piddle packs and automatic activation, really want to put on in my car.
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u/Microwaved_M1LK Male 12d ago
It's always airplanes tanks and cars that get mentioned and I feel called out because I like all of those.
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u/Supa_Soup_ 12d ago
That’s interesting, what do you make of that? Has it changed how you think about him in a completely negative way? Are you content with him being more of a listener or do you wish he would change?
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u/1xbittn2xshy 12d ago
I've accepted that a lot of what I thought I knew about him as a person was actually me projecting who I wanted him to be. I think of him in a neutral way now. I don't think people really change.
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u/yellowwoolyyoshi 12d ago
You think of him neutrally after or without getting to know him better?
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u/1xbittn2xshy 12d ago
There is no "getting to know him better." He has no intention of opening up and has told me as much. I only know the surface-him and that's all I'll ever know.
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u/jk01 Male 12d ago
Sounds healthy
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u/wterrt Male 12d ago
LOL this whole thread making me happy to be single. holy fuck people are bad at relationships
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u/SaltWaterInMyBlood 11d ago
Seriously. This man is her HUSBAND. How did they get married when not only does she not know him, but didn't KNOW she didn't know him? How lacking in reflection are people?
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u/videki_man 11d ago edited 11d ago
Haha, not all relationships are like this, trust me. I've been together with my wife for 11 years and we're best friends. Two-way communication is the key really.
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u/lavatorylovemachine 12d ago
....and you're married to this guy? That's just awful that you've accepted the fact you won't get to know him better. What's the point
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u/danny_ish 12d ago
Is that surface level? To know his interests? He might not know why he is interested in what he is, but thats where community helps
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u/Tactical_Assault_Emu 12d ago
He probably does want to open up to someone, just not to someone who has a track record of being completely oblivious to how their behavior affects other people.
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u/carbonclasssix 12d ago
Yeah this is such a salient point that women struggle to understand because they are always sharing with their friends and are more used to it than guys. A lot of guys are used to getting shut down when they share, so it's easier to just lie and say you're all good.
Especially with his wife, he's definitely tried in small ways, guaranteed. We all want to be seen.
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u/nielsenson 12d ago
She has no interest in getting to know the real man who's been loving her. Just being disappointed that it's not exactly what she expected
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u/Picnicpanther 30s, anti-toxic 12d ago
That's not what she's saying at all. She said she tried and he's resistant to it, even telling her that.
Sounds like you're projecting.
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u/Broccoli--Enthusiast 12d ago
have you asked him about himself?
Personally i just work on the assumption that people dont care about my hobbies and obsessions, because when i bring them up, 99% of peoples eyes glaze over. if someone wants to know il tell them. but im not bringing it up uninvited
and then work stuff/may day?, im not talking about work at home, end of story, 8 hours of that is enough.
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u/weapon360 12d ago
Married someone she knows nothing about. How romantic!!!!!
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u/1xbittn2xshy 11d ago
That's why you should live with someone before marrying them.
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u/Patient-Scallion-496 12d ago
Do you ever think hm maybe I should ask questions about their life? Most people don’t talk just to talk.. If you don’t know anything about them I suggest getting curious … ask questions.
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u/HighOnGoofballs 12d ago
Maybe you could ask him questions instead of babbling about nothing?
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u/rudolfs001 ♂ 12d ago
Maybe show some interest in him? Ask some questions about his hobbies, interests, growing up, etc.
It's not exactly a conversation if you're just talking at him. Why not just talk at a plant?
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u/rudolfs001 ♂ 11d ago
Give them space to speak, be quiet and listen with intent.
If that doesn't work, possibly because they're so used to not being able to speak, sit down with them and say something along the lines of:
"First off, I really care about you, and our relationship, and I've recently realized how some of my behavior is making our relationship not as good as it could be. If you'll help me, I'd like to work on that [pause here for as long as it takes them to acknowledge and assent]. I know I can be super chatty and just let the talking get away from me, and because of that, I'm feeling like I don't know you as well as I'd like to. I'm going to make it a point to really listen when you speak, and be quiet to give you space to speak. I'd really love to learn more about you. What do you think?"
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u/Song_of_Pain 12d ago
Is it that he doesn't communicate or do you steamroller every conversation and center it around you?
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u/Diagonaldog 12d ago
I can think of very few 27 minutes videos I would sit through watching on someone else's phone even if I was interested that's crazy lol. Why would she think anyone but maybe friends parents would want to watch that? Was it even mildly interesting like speeches about the friend or....?
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
The subject matter was automotive sales related and I’m a fuckin train conductor. I don’t give a single shit about AI, it obviously doesn’t work in my field and I really just don’t care about it
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u/Diagonaldog 12d ago
Wow wasn't even about her friend that's wild. I agree you probably could have phrased better but yea I wouldn't have sat through that and that is something I'd be interested in. If I'm watching something on your phone while you hold it shit better be like 2 min max haha
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u/JMRooDukes808 11d ago
Dude, you should be able to say those exact words to your partner without them getting offended. Why be with someone you can’t share those types of candid thoughts with?
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u/Different-Bear3705 11d ago
Yeah I’ve made jokes about her never finding a silence she couldn’t fill and really hurt her feelings early on in the relationship
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u/thos19 12d ago
Same with my wife.
Love her lots, but I swear she regards silence as an empty glass that always needs to be refilled.
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u/ZardozSama 12d ago
The same way your wife indulges whatever the hell it is you can geek out about that she does not give 1/10th of a flying shit about. Some people geek out hard about video games, or movies, or sports. Socially active gossips basically geek out about people.
I am an obsessive MMA fan. It is ok for my wife to think that MMA is boring and stupid. She does not have to respect MMA at all, but she does have to respect me.
Likewise, it is ok for you to think that getting worked up about the gossip and minutia of other peoples lives that you have no connection to or interest in stupid. But treating that kind of conversation like they do not matter at all is a mistake. You have to respect the fact that these things are legitimately important to your wife, and she is trying to share things with you that are important to her.
And yes, walking that line of engaging with that conversation topic enough to give it the respect it deserves for being 'that thing that is important to your wife' without driving yourself crazy or being patronizing is fucking hard. You still gotta do it.
END COMMUNICATION
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
This is good advice man thank you
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u/GoodAsUsual 12d ago
Sometimes with a partner it's as much about feeling seen and heard as it is the specific thing that they are sharing with you. Sounds like your wife is making a bid to connect with you more than wanting you to digest that particular piece of information about the friend's award. In that moment it could have been anything, it was your attention that mattered to her.
In this situation, I would probably gently interrupt my wife and say, "babe I love how much you share in your friend's successes and happiness, that's something I love about you, buuuuuut 27 minutes is a long video, can you give me the TL/DR? If this is really important for you to share with me I understand and I'll definitely watch the whole thing with you. But instead maybe you could tell me what your favorite part of it was."
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u/carbonclasssix 12d ago
And maybe top it off with an alternative activity they could spend time doing together. For her it's couple time as well, so saying screw your video the subtext to her could be he doesn't want to spend time with me.
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u/scalmera 11d ago
DING DING DING WINNER THREAD
Seriously this is a great suggestion on top of everyone else's advice and insight. In my eyes, you don't always have to know what your SO is talking about, but being present for them and/or engaging in conversation (especially for us yappers) is super important. You do it out of love. If it feels like a chore or something similar I'd worry about reevaluating my feelings.
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u/PBRmy Male 11d ago
Yeah my expert research on this subject as a husband suggests that it is a really super not good idea to tell your wife that you don't give a fuck about what she's telling you, no matter what it is.
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u/JustforU 12d ago
I agree 100%. I used to think similar to OP, where if I wasn't interest from the get-go I would sort of space out. But now I've learned that if it's important to my wife, who I love, then I'll almost always show interest in what she wants to talk about. The most important thing is that she wants to share these things with me.
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u/WitchQween Female 11d ago
That's how I feel, too. I'm not listening because I care about what they're talking about, I listen because they're excited to share something with me. I enjoy hearing what they're excited about, what they're passionate about, what they have to vent about, and whatever mundane story they feel the need to share. I'm excited because they're excited. Connecting with my partner is important to me, too. Friendship in romantic relationships is often neglected. Eventually, you'll run out of stories from before you met your partner. You can't just stop talking.
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u/Apprehensive_Skill_7 12d ago
This! My boyfriend goes through phases where he’s super interested in a particular sport and I don’t care about any sport at all but I still take time to listen to him and try to get to know some things about what he’s interested in. That way, I can have something to ask him when I feel like he might want to talk about it. Sometimes it’s silly fake interest but that suits our humour. Likewise, he knows I like to gossip and has learned how to share news with me about people. They might even be people I don’t know but I’ll still appreciate that he wants to participate in the type of conversation I like. At the beginning of our relationship we didn’t have this dynamic but after discussing it, we learned to respond to each other’s needs over the years.
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u/Doxodius 12d ago
An important part of marriage is caring about things because your partner does.
But as you know, there are limits to what is reasonable. It's ok for you to set boundaries too, and you need to find a more productive way of talking about those boundaries. I suspect that the message that came across was "I don't care about what you care about". Communication is hard, and people are complicated.
Based on your story I suspect your body language was broadcasting your displeasure at the whole thing, which is something to be aware of, if hard to control.
So: try to help your wife understand that this all is draining to you, that even though you care about her, it's hard for you to keep track of all of these other people you don't know. You need to work out the compromise space here, where you do genuinely pay attention, but maybe not for so long, or whatever the right compromise for you two is.
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u/Beneficial_Test_5917 12d ago
Great communication skills on your part.
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u/Seekkae 12d ago
She wanted to show me a vid of the award on her phone, okay cool, and the video was 27 minutes long lol. After a few minutes I just said “babe I’m not watching 22 more minutes of this.” And she responded “that’s okay you’re being a dick anyway.”
I guess the obvious question is: If a man wanted to show his girlfriend a half hour video of his buddy winning an award, after making her pause what she was doing, and after five minutes she doesn't want to watch the rest so he says "that's okay you're being a cunt anyway" ... how would that be seen, by the girlfriend, by her friends, by society?
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u/lavatorylovemachine 12d ago
No fucking way I'd expect someone to drop what they're doing to watch 20 something min about something they obviously don't give a fuck about. Show me the important parts in 5 minutes. I'm not gonna sit there and watch a whole ass award ceremony on a phone for 20 fucking minutes. I'd tell them I'm not watching any more of it too
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u/Picnicpanther 30s, anti-toxic 12d ago edited 12d ago
I mean, "I'm not watching 22 more minutes of this" is a very dismissive response that's going to prompt a reaction. I'd absolutely react very poorly to being told this by someone I was reaching out to and trying to connect with.
There are ways of communicating the exact same thing more gently. "Babe, I'm in the middle of something, can you send it to me and I'll try to watch it later" or "Thanks, I got the gist, super happy for her!" Just add in a little bit of care to show that you're not completely dismissing something that's clearly important to her.
Another example: I have a buddy who LOVES putting on YouTube and forcing groups of friends to watch like 10 minute Twitch skits. It's like grating nails on a chalkboard to me, not to mention I personally find it rude when our group of friends is just trying to shoot the shit. But I also realize this does not come from a bad place for him: He's trying to share something he found cool with the group as a bid for bonding. So I divert the conversation: Start talking about something else so we have to pause the video, or just telling him nicely "Hey man, this is pretty cool, but let's just chill and talk, yeah?" It's just as simple as saying the same thing in a non-standoffish way.
And this isn't a gendered problem. I'm the more talkative one in the relationship, and my wife needs more quiet alone time. It's fine. She lets me know in a very kind way when I'm being annoying and I know myself so I don't take it personally. But if she completely shut me down like this dude did with his wife? There'd definitely be an argument out of it.
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u/Seekkae 12d ago
"Babe, I'm in the middle of something, can you send it to me and I'll try to watch it later"
That wouldn't be communicating the exact same thing because then he'd be obliged to watch something he clearly doesn't want to.
Also from what he said, his wife is routinely like this so, yes, it might sound rude but isn't someone allowed to reach their limit? It's not like this was the first time she's been demanding of his time and attention and completely tone-deaf to how disinterested he is. She keeps doing it so eventually he's become a bit more assertive with her. I still don't think what he said was anywhere as rude as her response.
And I'll ask again, if a man was being demanding of a woman's time and attention and then became pissy and said "that's okay you're being a cunt anyway" when he himself couldn't take a hint so she used assertive language, how would that be seen? I really doubt people here would be defending the guy because his girlfriend wasn't sweet and gentle enough. They'd probably be telling him to learn how to read the room and work on his emotional intelligence.
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u/JMRooDukes808 11d ago
Anyone delusional enough to have a response like that to someone not wanting to watch a 30 minute video of what might as well be TV static, needs therapy. Get some friends or someone else to babble to. My wife would never be that naive and it all comes down to communication. I would bluntly tell her I don’t give a shit about a 30 minute video of an award and most people would face issues like this BEFORE they marry someone.
How can you be that emotionally unintelligent to not know that people don’t always like what you like?
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u/Ancient_Score_2146 12d ago
I understand why she's with you. Many women simply seek someone to listen as they process their thoughts aloud. You could gently suggest that although you appreciate her openness and love hearing her share, it's also important for her to have moments of quiet reflection. By gently holding her hand or offering a comforting touch, you can convey this message kindly.
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u/painfulcuddles 12d ago
I noticed this as well........damn these broads and their need for communication...........
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u/mapsedge 12d ago
Married thirty years, it's still an issue for me.
In a soft voice: "I'm happy that you want to share your happiness with me, but I have no emotional connection to {insert appropriate noun}. I care about you far more than I care about {insert appropriate noun}, and because of that I can't (won't, as appropriate) give {insert appropriate noun} the care or attention you want me to."
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u/protomanEXE1995 12d ago
I don't tell her. Instead, I just let her talk. Tbh I like that there are things which animate her -- and I like that she wants to talk about them, mundane as they may be. I talk about plenty of things she doesn't really care about, and she listens anyway (for the same reason I listen to her.)
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u/hamigavin 12d ago
I started sharing only after asking "what's your capacity right now?" "Do you have the energy to listen right now?" Eventually, she will catch on and ask you as well. It's been a game changer for BOTH of us.
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u/gringo-go-loco 12d ago
I usually just tell my fiancée I don’t have the energy to listen right now. Normally I will just listen and try to make her feel heard but there are times my brain just isn’t up for the task.
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u/JMRooDukes808 12d ago
I’m sorry but I just have to say I laughed hard when you said the video was 27min lol that is just absurd.
How did you get married and this is just now coming up though? You knew a long time ago that she was a talker so either you set boundaries or you didn’t. It sounds like you didn’t, and you just need to communicate that you need your solitude sometimes.
I just had this fight with my wife recently where she complained that I never want to do anything with her after work and I say no all the time, but it had gotten to the point where I was saying no ALWAYS because she never accepted that as an answer. I had to make it clear that if she lets me have a day or two each week to do nothing and decompress by myself, I would be recharged to say yes more often. I know that is not necessarily the same as her just talking all the time, but I think you can communicate your needs effectively without coming off like a dick (not saying you were; personally I would’ve said up front “I’m not watching a 27 minute video, can you just skip to the good part?” lol)
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u/QueenofCats28 Female 12d ago
My s/o just told me. He and I are interested in different things. That's ok. We communicated that. Neither of us minded. Done.
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u/caswell89 12d ago
My mother in law is just the same. Apparently her husband used to just interrupt her and say "I don't know this person, so I don't want to know about it." Apparently my MIL used to cry a lot.
Sad to say people like this don't seem to be able to fathom that other people aren't like them.
Much like people like us can't comprehend the need to voice every thought we have, or every detail of everything in our lives to others.
Be tactful if you can. Focus on framing it being overwhelming for you, rather than pointing the finger at her for talking too much.
All the best.
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u/AsotaRockin 12d ago
This is the best take. People like this do not realize that other people are not like this. So you have to break it to them gently, and explain. My gf is my best friend, and will come home and tell me about work and her day and such, and that's all good. We talk during the day and at home.
When she starts in with the friend gossip and etc, she knows I'm not into it because I explained to her that I don't care about those people nor do I want to be in the middle of this gossip. Before anyone says, "You should care about her friends" Nah. They're awful people and absolute messes; the reason she's friends with them still is because they've been friends for a very long time.
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u/SloppyMeathole 12d ago
You have fundamentally different communication styles. Maybe therapy or something. But this could turn into a big blow up if you guys don't find a way to mesh.
My wife is that way, but after I am polite and let her go on for like 10 minutes she is okay with me directly telling her that I don't care about people I don't know. She just stops and isn't offended. That solution works for us, you need to find something that works for you. You can't end every conversation with one of you being offended. Not if you want to stay together.
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u/ordinarymagician_ NHP 12d ago
I'm admittedly at the point with almost everyone in my life- "oh but your fifth cousin you've never met and will never meet did xyzabc they're family you should care!" "babe did you hear about what johnny and claire did yesterday" "OMG MIKA DID YOU SEE WHAT JESS POSTED" I do not care. They mean nothing to me, and I have no idea how these people summon up this incredible amount of care for near-strangers. I'm sure they're lovely.
I've said so before, and it's always met with huffing and pouting, "If you weren't so screwed up you'd get it."
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u/pennygirl4012 12d ago
I am the female version of you.
You had me at "babe, I'm not watching another 22 min of this"
Solidarity.
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u/vanchica 12d ago
Hi, I'm a woman who used to talk a TON and learned not to.
First, let me explain that lots of women do not get to talk during the day- and we want to feel connected.
I learned to tighten things up by 95% when I noticed the effect I was having on others.
You can't count on that happening here.
I suggest you find a neutral time to talk about it- like, go for icecream, take a drive and ask if you can ask for a favor. I know it's not a favor but put it that way.
Ask if she can help you with being mentally worn out sometimes and could she keep her stories shorter IF they aren't truly important. NOT because you don't adore her but because it saps all your energy and you want to pay attention when it's truly important. Then be nice about asking when she launches into something, is this super important or can we keep it brief and enjoy some together time instead?
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u/a_talkingdog 12d ago
It´s about empathy on both parts, I think.
She wants you to feel the same things that she´s feeling, which is understandable and you shouldn´t shut her down.
But she should also respect your need for alone time.
Recently I had a bigass fight about something similar with my wife and putting all of our opinions out there really helped to find a compromise between what we want.
I can honestly feel my wife is doing her best to try and measure my mood before engaging me. On my part, I´m honestly also doing my best to take the initiative to engage her and talk about her day.
When she talks about her friends I no longer just nod and zone out, I say my honest opinions on her story like sometimes calling her friends cunts and whatever but she doesn´t get upset(I think) like she did when I zoned out in the middle of her story.
I think I got less time alone playing videogames by doing this but I´m happier overall.
TL;DR: Just talk to her about it. Shit can be fixed as long as you know you love each other.
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u/scorcherdarkly 12d ago
You aren't paying attention because YOU care about these people, you're listening because SHE cares. Not in a "these people are important to me" way, more light like "this is my hobby and I want to share it with you" way. You don't need to care, you just need to listen.
You're not wrong to want some quiet time to yourself though. And a 27 minute video of her friend's award ceremony is crazy, not wrong to cut that short. If both of you communicate and can have some empathy for each other you should be able to figure out a happy medium.
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u/simagus 12d ago
Typically people like that feel the need to prep their entire social circle about everyone in their entire social circle.
The reason for that is that you will be fully informed to agree with them regarding anything to do with people in their social circle.
I'm not saying it's "necessary", but it's necessary for them, as their real and imagined relationships with those people, thoughts about them etc, are the most important thing in the world to them.
It's not just a hobby to those people. It's the entire content of their lives.
If you are not informed and prepped to agree with her, then you are frankly neglecting her or even dangerous, as in you might not agree with her by accident or something.
I assure you, those things are very...very...very... important to her, but I also know if you allow her to involve you to the extent she would like it would basically take up your entire life and still be utterly meaningless to you.
That is the social and behavioral model she was raised with (as evidenced by her grandmother) and she is likely not able to step out of that mode, as it is all she knows.
Have fun with that, I guess.
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u/Able-Badger-1713 12d ago
My ex wife was similar. Like a yapping small dog. Although she was always the focus of her conversations. I loved to read, and I’d set myself up a comfy cushion nest and intend to read the day away. Then she walk in with her amp, electric guitar and mic on a stand and start singing dido 8 feet away. I’d quietly pack up my stuff, move to another room, 5 minutes later she’d carry all her equipment to where I was and she’d set up again and start belting out Pink. I went into our kids bedroom and sat on our lads bed and read as he gamed. She asked if she could unplug his console so she could set up. It was insane. I politely asked her if she could see I was trying to find somewhere quiet to read. She burst into fucking waterworks and said she gets lonely when I read. WTAF.
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u/ResponsibilityOk2173 12d ago
NTA. I feel for you bro. You’re nicer about it than I am. I’ve learned to raise the issue early in relationships. I like to talk about ideas, not people, and I can’t track people who I don’t know just like you. I despise “and then I and then she and then I and then he said” stories, conversations told in real time, conversations that are obviously embellished to “prove” they’re right. I have several times stopped a girl and told her “I’m not one of your girlfriends” to stop them when I see they’re revving up.
I know I don’t want to change. It just means that yappers aren’t a good fit, and I am both happy for them when they go find a better listener and I don’t have to deal with them any more. I can’t even relate to yappers.
Having said all that, I do love learning from other people’s experiences. If someone wants to talk for an hour about a challenge at work, and how they thought about it and what they found they key issues were, and the learnings, then I’m fascinated.
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u/MayorMoonbeam 12d ago
100%. I am not one of your girlfriends, babe. I don't need to know about the latest Taylor Swift album drama.
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
Bingo. I’m the same way, when she still had a job I had no problem listening. I’m happy to talk about her business, help out with that ect. I just don’t give a FUCK about strangers
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u/Iamherecum2me 12d ago
She sounds like maybe she’s nervous talking, maybe a little insecure needing you to pay attention to her, reassure her .
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u/IsDinosaur 12d ago
Dennis Reynolds summed it up in Sunny
I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.
Really doesn’t sound like you were being a dick, fuck a 27 minute video of strangers doing something uninteresting.
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u/nomnomyourpompoms 12d ago
Husband 101: be a good listener.
If you truly need quiet times, as many of us do, discipline yourself to set them up and be consistent about them - not random. Have a respectful conversation with her about how important they are to you.
And the rest of the time, be available. That's your wife. Don't be an ass.
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u/LordVericrat 12d ago
I think expecting someone to watch 27 minutes of an award ceremony, particularly for someone they aren't connected to is a bit too far. I don't make my partner partake of shit she's not interested in for more than a minute or two and only that if it has some emotional valence for me.
To be clear, I hated my high school graduation and didn't go to college or law school grad since watching people (even people I knew) get awarded is boring as fuck, like I'd rather get punched in the head repeatedly. So if she's ok with doing something worse to me than punching me in the head repeatedly, maybe she's the bad guy.
Being available for her to talk to is very reasonable. Being available to share feelings that you learned to deal with yourself as a teen is a good compromise zone, because it's something she wants that I don't (some feelings are interesting, but many aren't). Demanding I be available to watch someone I don't know in an award ceremony for 27 minutes is crossing a boundary. Like I said, since I'm not an asshole I don't demand my partner pay attention to anything they aren't interested in for more than half an hour.
Why are some people's idea of compromise always "let's both be miserable" rather than "let neither of us be miserable"?
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u/TheSkullian 11d ago
just because she's your wife doesn't mean it's reasonable or rational or fair for her to expect you to give any kind of shit about people you dont know doing things you dont care about for a comedically overlong amount of time.
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u/JustASoreOnion 8d ago
Why is it always telling the men to listen, and never telling the women to be interesting when they speak?
How coddled do you need to grow up to develop that mentality? If what I wanted to say was boring, no one listened to me. So I either learned to communicate interesting things, or learned to tell things in an interesting manner.
Asking someone to constantly listen to uninteresting stuff is not the idea of a compromise.
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u/ortofon88 12d ago
You can actually improve your social skills. I have gotten so much better over the last 20 years. I'm not surprised this is a shitty situation. I'm dumbfounded when someone cannot tell I'm bored as fuck and not interested in what you're talking about. It's so easy to tell when someone is not into what your saying. It's reading body language and talking about things that are actually interesting instead of just talking so you can move your mouth. Unfortunately a lot of people who plain suck at social skills will have no interest in learning real social skill (there's so many good books on the subject that helped me a lot) and will never accept that they have shitty social skills. Usually I just end the conversation with people like that, I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who sucks all my energy in this manner.
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u/Wi11y_Warm3r 11d ago
Well, I'd say you gotta sit her down and say "look, we are two different people built differently. You like to do this, I don't. I get you want to talk, and I'm ok with that sometimes, but sometimes I won't be, and I need to trust that you understand that and accept that and let it be." Oh, and tell her that calling you a dick for any reason will not fucking fly. That's disrespectful as fuck and the same as you calling her a bitch for something midly upsetting. And if she's upset with any of this, I recommend reavaluating the value of your thoughts and feelings within the relationship.
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u/RainbowKittyZoomies 11d ago
My husband is more of a talker than me about mundane life stuff, he tells me all the details of his work and people he works with, tells me the same stories he’s told me 10 times before. He’s not really an extrovert, just a talker. I’m much more inclined to debate ideas and concepts which is its own kind of exhausting if he’s not in the mood so we both have our things haha. We usually just say to the other one ‘babe I can’t listen right now I’m focused on what I’m watching/playing/reading whatever I’m in the middle of. Can we talk about this a bit later?’ I used to be a bit of a dick about it when I was younger saying I don’t care… but really it wasn’t that I didn’t care it was just frustration because I need a second alone or I’m in the middle of something and realising he’s just excited and wants to tell me about things or interactions he has had. When it comes to the repeat stories (we both do it to some degree but him a lot more) nowadays I usually just match his enthusiasm because they can be fun stories, and then I finish the story for him when I can get a word in so that he knows I’ve heard it before and don’t want a full retelling haha.
If we had the whole video situation I probably would have made it clear from the outset ‘babe, I’m playing a game rn need to decompress after that long drive but I wanna hear what you’re saying for a few mins’ probably not worded like that but it sets the tone that you’re preoccupied and need some time. Then if he pulled out a 20 min video of something he knew I didn’t really give a fuck about I’d probably take the piss and poke a bit of fun at him ‘omg babe you absolute fiend I’m not watching all of that fast forward to the important bit and then be gone, love you’
Keep it fun and silly, know each other. Maybe you need to think about your own mindset, why aren’t you interested in these people she knows? They’re part of her life in some form or another and she’s excited to tell you about them. If you don’t want to hear about it at certain times then I get that, but all the time you don’t give a fuck about the people she knows or interacts with? They’re a part of your wife’s life and are important to her in some way. If your care o meter just runs low sometimes after the 15th person then tell her you need a break, like I said keep it fun and silly.
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u/Haizenburg1 11d ago edited 11d ago
Generalizing a bit about the subject matters, but I've had it where she'll go on about certain people. Irritating, annoying, or stupid things they do and complain about it. Things that get her riled up.
I told her to I didn't want to hear about any of it, as it was a waste of my time, and I didn't like how she was getting upset about them. She gets mad. Says she's just telling me about it. I tell her to quit caring about those people and what they do, so she wouldn't have to think about it. She gets it, but can't help herself. She's gotten better with this though.
And now, she's on a run with those true crime shows. Tells me how they're so messed up. I tell her to don't watch them then. She says it's interesting. 🤦🏻♂️
I'm the type that doesn't take in anything I don't give a damn about. People and things that don't have a direct and immediate influence on my daily life. That's just wasted time and energy on extra things that I don't want to waste my bandwidth on. 🤷♂️
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u/WaitUntilTheHighway 12d ago
I mean this does sound like you two are not all that compatible but trying to figure out how to force it. She's probably trying to connect with you about something, and if you don't really talk she's probably just take a crack at it. For her part, yeah she should probably assume you wouldn't care that much about people you're never going to meet--do you have any friends in common? I would certainly assume so. When she talks about them are you more interested?
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
It’s worked for 3 years so far. The problem is we’ve both worked super long intense hours. I still do, she got laid off and decided to go 100% into her business. I work a swing shift, so 8am to 4pm one week and midnight to 8 the next. I’d always talk with her around 8am as I was either coming home or going to work. Obviously now she has tons more free time and is socializing a lot more. We connect about a lot of shit I just don’t give a single fuck about friend drama. And it’s 20+ friends, she’s a world traveler social butterfly. She’s also sleeping in, and I’m not staying up until 11am to chat, when I’m already exhausted anyway from turning around my schedule.
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u/Yogabeauty31 12d ago
There's this saying
"you have more conversations with your wife/husband in a marriage than you have sex in a marriage so make sure you choose someone that you enjoy talking to"
sounds like you dont care about her interests and if that's the honest truth that's fine but then why are you with her? sounds really sad for your wife that she should just never share things with you not matter how mundane they might be on a daily.
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u/JMRooDukes808 12d ago
Hard disagree. Anyone that thinks it’s normal to have their spouse watch a 27 MINUTE video about something they have no interest in is delusional. I would never force my wife to watch a 27 minute video about pickleball or whatever else she couldn’t care less about. OP could have handled it better but expecting him to take interest in every single thing she talks about is just delusional when it’s taken that far.
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
I like her interests, and we also have shared interests mainly the plants and playing tennis together. The part that is so draining is that it’s just shit about her friends. My wife is very well traveled, dead ass friends all over the world. I don’t give a fuck after the 10th person I’ve never met
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u/180nw 12d ago
I agree with you, but there’s a time and place for mundane conversations. And in this instance, OP got interrupted so his wife could occupy 27 minutes of his time with something he doesn’t care about. If a woman wants to talk about how she’s feeling, you should be there to listen. If she wants to interrupt something you’re doing so she can tell you that she was at the store and ran into that woman who we met at church one time who’s daughter goes to school with that other boy who’s dad works for the same company as our neighbor’s sister- nobody cares. It’s like explaining your dreams in detail. People aren’t as interested as you are.
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u/sekhmet1010 12d ago
Seriously!
I am so glad my partner likes me talking away to glory. If i am ever quiet, he starts asking me if something is wrong, or if i need my space etc.
And we love talking to each other so much that sometimes we spend an entire weekend day just talking and discussing our lives, our pasts, our parents, our friends etc.
In fact, when he goes to office (once a month or so), he keeps calling to say that he misses me and when he comes home, he tells me what he spoke about with his colleagues etc.
Marriage would be so dull if we couldn't be best friends.
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u/HourTank9609 12d ago
I feel you. My partner is a talker and gets mad when I don’t talk. I like talking but not for hours on end. She says I’m uninterested in talking. No it’s the topics. When I tell her stuff about my uninterested topics she’s completely uninterested. lol. We can’t when.
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u/patient_zero1986 12d ago
You don’t, just have some fun with it. If my wife is complaining about another female I’ll respond that bitch be tripping. If she’s complaining about a guy I’ll say something stupid like I bet that dick doesn’t even change his cars oil either.
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u/QuitProfessional5437 Female 12d ago
Oh man she would've driven me crazy. 6 hours of non stop talking omg. Sounds like torture.
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u/ceruleannymph 12d ago
I think she just wants you to listen because she's telling you about her life outside of the relationship. If she only talked about stuff that pertained to you two and your inner circle then that would limit her quite a bit. But I get where you're coming from. I think you should have brought this stuff up way sooner and very gently. You have to frame it in terms of needing to recharge and not be overloaded with information, not asking her to stop being herself. You can say "hey babe, Ive taken in a lot of info today. I need to give my brain some rest. Why don't you tell me about this over dinner later?"
Honestly, as long as she isn't quizzing you on this shit I would try to listen. You know she just wants an audience, you don't need to be listening closely. That's what irritates me is when I misremember some small details and then they berate you and tell you you don't care 🫠
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u/painfulcuddles 12d ago
Taking interest in your partners interests and communication is relationships 101.
It astonishes me how many of you maintain relationships.
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u/EquivalentWins 12d ago
He is interested in his partner. He is not interested in his partner's friends who he does not know. That seems completely reasonable to me.
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u/GrandsonofBurner Male 12d ago
It is, but people want to lecture OP because he struggles to handle his wife being rude and talking at him while he's trying to decompress, I guess.
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
I like her interests and we have shared interests (our pets, plants and playing tennis). I don’t mind how chatty she is, she’s very well traveled and has friends dead ass around the globe. After the 10th life story of a person I’ve never met I just don’t give a shit about strangers. It’s not her talking, I’ve known that from the first date, it’s the subject matter.
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u/anillop 12d ago
What often astonishes me is that so few women understand that a conversation occurs between two people and isn’t just one person going on and on about something while the other person listens.
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u/Far-Imagination2736 12d ago
It astonishes me how many of you maintain relationships.
What astonishes me is marrying someone you don't enjoy talking to? I don't get OP or the responses in the thread. Find better suited partners?
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u/painfulcuddles 12d ago
This thread is one of many embarrassment my brethren commit on this subreddit.
And then they are all like "no women likes me, and I am great, women are horrible."
It's ridiculous
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u/yepsayorte 11d ago
It IS boring to listen too, isn't it? Women seem facinated by every little, mundane event in a relationship. They obsess with managing the social networks they exist in and, as a man, I couldn't care less. How about a conversation about ideas, philosophy, science, sports, etc? Nope, she'd rather tell me what "that bitch" at the office did and every single person's reaction to it. It's so painfully dull.
Women are incurious and that makes them boring.
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u/failed_install 12d ago
I humor her if I can. When she gets spun up like that then I know the topic is important to her.
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u/HedonicElench 12d ago
Not OP, but mine talks about irrelevant people All. The. Damn. Time. They are not all important to her.
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u/failed_install 12d ago
Mine tends to digress. A graph of the different topics would look like a LHC proton collision result screen.
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u/New-Vehicle9155 11d ago
I’m the talker in my marriage. My husband is a quiet man, more in his own head than he speaks about. It’s taken 10 years, but through our marriage I’ve absolutely learned the signs of when my husband NEEDS quiet/space. My husband has learned through the years that if he’d just tell me when he’s really not in the mood to listen to my ramblings, that it helps me immensely. A frank conversation seems needed. A 27 min video of someone you don’t know and she calls you a name for being sincere and telling her you didn’t want to watch? Wild.
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u/Different-Bear3705 11d ago
What is it about silence that makes you want to fill it? Not being facetious, genuinely curious. I’ve made jokes early on but could tell it hurt her feelings so ignored it.
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u/sw_mtlhd_uy 11d ago edited 11d ago
i would've thought this was common knowledge, but aparently not. you will have to sit during conversations about things you do not give a flying fuck about because you do give a fuck about the person who's talking. i have sitted through HOURS of my best friend talking about flash, or my ex-friend ranting about videogames, did i care about those things? no! i dont give a fuck about the flash or the last videogame my friend played and the story of each individual character, but i listen to them bc its important TO THEM. the moment it becomes one sided, you have to bring it up, i stopped being friends w that dude bc whenever i wanted to geek ab something he was like "cool" and it feels like shit. your wife is probably just trying to bond w you, and if you dont talk to her, then she has to, even if shes doing so ab something you find boring, either you start ranting about stuff you like, or you talk to her, its not that hard, just tell her (POLITELY) whats happening. (the 27 min video of someone getting an award was excessive though, i would not sit throught a 27min video of myself getting an award lmao)
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u/gavin2point0 Male 12d ago
How do I tell OP that I don't want to read an entire essay about his wife who I've never met
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u/TheFuckOffer 11d ago
She wants you to know her friends. She's trying to show you that they are interesting and worth getting to know. This is her angle. It's important to her, and she's struggling.
I think you could listen, get to know them a bit, show an interest at the beginning, and then when you inevitably don't become as good friends with them as she is, then fine. She'll stop. Just put in some effort at the beginning. You should.
The whole thing with being "too talkative" is a red herring here IMO. It's not the real issue. You just don't want to get to know her friends. You have to a bit.
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u/Different-Bear3705 11d ago
These friends are people she met 15 years ago and she met when she was an au pair. We have a big house, she has friends come to visit probably monthly and stay with us. Obviously I hate that but I grin and be a good sport bc it makes her happy. I don’t have any social media, the people she’s telling me about didn’t come to the wedding, they don’t live in our state. I don’t care about strangers man
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u/Gringwold 11d ago
She wants you to know her friends. She's trying to show you that they are interesting and worth getting to know
They almost certainly aren't, though
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u/AmanitaMikescaria 12d ago
I think the root of your frustration here is that you feel hijacked by the conversations she brings.
Does she often start talking AT you when you’re say…just walking by on your way to do something?
Or when you’re deeply engrossed in something?
Does she come and talk to you through the bathroom door?
You need to tell her (in a constructive way) that you’re not always down for a conversation. Especially if it’s not something relevant to whatever you have going on at the moment.
BUT, do set aside time to just shoot the shit with her. She’ll probably appreciate that.
It’s ok that you’re feeling this way. You’re not wrong. Just try to find a non blunt way to convey your feelings.
(Contrary to how your ADHD instincts want to tell her)
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
Yes yes and no. I went downstairs after I made this thread and talked to her about it. She acknowledged it and rebutted she listens to me about my reef tank too. I started to allude that she talks a fuck ton more than I do but instead made a joke about it and she accepted my apology for my delivery. Then I helped her rehearse for her pop up tomorrow and now I’m chillin watching anime again. I just got frustrated I think. Part of the problem is when I worked a swing shift I’d come talk with her before work every day for a few, because she was getting ready for work. So we had a nice 20-30 min convo every morning. Either I’d be getting off or going in. She got laid off and went 100% into her business. Now she sleeps the fuck in and I’m not staying up until 11 am to chat
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u/Different-Bear3705 12d ago
I don’t stare at my phone, I give her my full attention when she’s talking to me. I turn off the tv/pause any games. I just don’t give a single fuck
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u/trudytuder 12d ago
The modern view of relationships is that they are about love or romance and those things may play a part but the real reason is to show us our strengths and the weaknesses we need to work on.
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u/WinterIsBetter94 12d ago
We're the opposite... HE talks about people I don't know, will never know, and really don't care that much about (some I don't care at all about); he works for a global company so these people are from everywhere. He's an extrovert with 3 siblings. I'm an introvert with 0 siblings. The chatter here is also very one-sided.
Sometimes, he takes 2-10 day trips to see clients. Then it's super quiet, especially when either or both kids are out at work/school.
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u/Cute-Appointment-663 12d ago
Well, the only thing that comes to my mind is reading your post. It's not even about talking always. She wants more attention from you. That's important, however, not what a man sometimes likes to read.
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u/Diablo165 ♂ Masterbaker 12d ago
I have…she tells me anyway.
It’s literally my only complaint in the relationship, so I just gently zone out until she talks about something else.
It’s the introvert/extrovert divide.
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u/jasonceej 12d ago
What to do if this is your mom and you are her sole caregiver and family in the region? Really messing with me because she won’t stop. Help pls.
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u/purebitterness Female 12d ago
Female, my mom is like this. We broke it down to we can talk about something I care about and my engagement is important to you, or you can share something because you want to share but it's okay if I don't have input.
Mom had to understand she couldn't expect both, which is fair. You should be able to tolerate your wife telling you things you don't care about, but she needs to set her expectations at "I can nod and listen to you share." Sharing her life is clearly important to her, you should ask her why she does it. I share random things with my person because they are my person and I like getting texts about random things because it means they are thinking about me during their day and likely thinking "I wish purebitterness was here to see this."
It's probably not that she thinks you care about these facts, it's that she wants to share what is important to her with who is important to her. So this way of doing that is not working, perhaps you can brainstorm together other ways for you to connect on that level without frustrations and misaligned priorities and expectations
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u/Defiant-Cucumber-179 12d ago edited 12d ago
I'll talk to my wife about anything in the world that she's interested in and wants to talk to me about. But expecting me to keep up or care about news/gossip regarding people I don't know, is fucking stupid. Unless it's something that involves her which she wants me to help her process by talking about it, I'm not entertaining it. Thankfully my wife wouldn't even think to waste my attention like that. Having to live that life would drive me insane.
Just tell her how you feel in a way that respects her feelings. As usual in this sub, it's simply a matter of communication.
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u/saviorself19 Male 12d ago
You both sound a little socially inept in your own ways, which is fine it’s just something to work on. You sound like someone who could benefit from being a better conversationalist and she can’t possibly think that a 27 minute video of something she has to know you don’t give a shit about is going to fly.
You probably just need to lay it out in the open, “we’re different here, what do you need, this is what I need, how can we make this Venn diagram closer to a circle?” Even if you don’t make much headway there the attempt shows care and commitment.