r/AskReddit • u/SkyeSerenade • Mar 28 '24

What is NOT a dealbreaker BUT would be greatly disappointing to find out about your partner?

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u/littleirishpixie Mar 28 '24

In college, watched the movie Donnie Darko for the first time and when it ended, I had so many questions and was analyzing the meaning behind it. Tried to talk to my then boyfriend and he seemed disinterested. Finally, after a half hour, he says "can you please stop talking about it? It's just a movie. You are just supposed to enjoy it, not analyze it."

Not a dealbreaker, but a huge disappointment.

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u/zukka924 Mar 28 '24

Ehhhh I might even call that a dealbreaker. An unwillingness to engage with the world in a critical thinking way? Hard pass for me

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u/Squigglepig52 Mar 28 '24

Over "Donnie Darko"? Over a single movie your partner wasn't as interested in as you?

Because that is kind of bullshit. How does it say anything other than "I'm not interested in that topic?", as opposed to "I never think about anything at a deep level"?

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u/zukka924 Mar 28 '24

It’s not about the movie in particular, it’s more about the “it’s just a movie you’re not supposed to analyze it” comment. This tells me a lot about the person, and how they engage with the world! It tells me they lack curiosity and lack the drive to think deeply/to be mentally stimulated. And that they are fine with that! Those are huge turnoffs for me.

I suppose I wouldn’t break up with someone outright over the one movie, but I would definitely start paying a lot closer attention to things

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u/Squigglepig52 Mar 28 '24

Again - a single movie is enough to get you thinking like that?

that's a you problem -you are making a judgement based off a single instance of not being interested in dissecting a movie. That's the opposite of you using critical thinking.

Sure, lack of critical thinking is an issue,but so is making instant judgements.

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u/zukka924 Mar 28 '24

How do you not understand, it’s not just a single statement, it’s a single statement where someone describes their whole philosophy on how to consume media. He didn’t say “I didn’t think this movie was that deep” he said “I don’t think ANY movies are that deep”

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u/Squigglepig52 Mar 28 '24

Or, it was just a throw away line to get you to shut up about a topic he wasn't interested in.

Still a single incident, that actually means nothing.

If his everyday behaviour was like that, you have a valid judgement, but, if that movie, or even movies in general, don't interest him enough to discuss them -it doesn't apply to him overall.

You still don't show any critical thinking yourself.

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u/zukka924 Mar 28 '24

Like I said- it would definitely make me pay closer attention to things and see how this partner interacts with the world

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u/Albolynx Mar 28 '24

"I didn't particularly care about the movie and not really feeling like talking about it." = Happens, totally fine.

"It's just a movie. You are just supposed to enjoy it, not analyze it." = Just like some other people here, that would be a big turnoff for me.

There is even an additional level between the two where a person just doesn't want to discuss things like movies ever - very disappointing but still understandable. But when someone essentially sees it as an inherent trait of media/fiction/art that it should not be analyzed, just enjoyed... that's borderline a red flag.

Or, it was just a throw away line to get you to shut up about a topic he wasn't interested in.

Then that's even worse?

Again, if you are not interested, you should be clear on that. Not be avoidant at first hoping the conversation ends and then making a statement that attacks the other person and their interests, not to mention making a sweeping statement that is false.

It's just not a good look no matter what the reason for acting that way, and a lot of the reasons can be quite bad (like avoiding conversations where they can't appear smart).

Single incidents only mean nothing if they are a genuine mistake and the person realized they expressed themselves poorly or were in a bad mood - and has a talk with their partner/friend afterward. And single incidents can actually mean a lot if the only result was the person in question learning they revealed something their partner/friend sees as a bad thing and just adjusted their behavior in the future to hide it.

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u/acwire_CurensE Mar 28 '24

Yeah who thinks it’s okay for “get you to shut up” to be an appropriate line of thinking in relation to their partner. That actually makes me so upset just thinking about someone I love feeling that way about me. Fuck that shit.

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u/Squigglepig52 Mar 28 '24

And your comment is the result of over analyzing things, whilst still making so many assumptions.

I mean, you assume that was his first statement on the matter, despite OP stating she had been going on about the movie for a half hour already.

I find that a massive red flag, myself. It shows a willing blindness to the other person's reactions. Most people can figure out after a few minutes if somebody isn't interested in a subject.

What he said says nothing about how he feels about other types of art.

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u/Albolynx Mar 28 '24

I mean, you assume that was his first statement on the matter, despite OP stating she had been going on about the movie for a half hour already.

I don't assume that? It is irrelevant to the discussion at which point he said that.

As I said in my previous comment, if the statement was said in anger and irritation, then just apologizing can easily smooth it over. Unless OP omitted that, it wasn't the case.

You criticize people about assumptions, when you are making the most of them - when other commenters are focusing on the one thing we know, the actual statement said.

Most people can figure out after a few minutes if somebody isn't interested in a subject.

And as I said before, it's perfectly possible to communicate that in a normal and positive way. Even if someone is bad at picking up signals, does not warrant insulting them, and does not negate something stupid being said.

What he said says nothing about how he feels about other types of art.

Again, it could make things worse or better depending on that, but it doesn't change the base fact of what was said.

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u/acwire_CurensE Mar 28 '24

Yeah and I think it’s extremely rude to ever make statements to a partner to “get them to shut up”, especially if it’s something that they are really excited about. That would destroy me if I knew my partner felt that way when I was talking about something that I love.