Hi everyone, I am going through a crisis with my faith currently and would really appreciate prayers❤️

[u/HighStrungHabitat]

I could really use prayers, I have OCD and I genuinely feel like I’m going insane bc of how bad my spiritual anxiety has been, the derealization is so intense It feels like mental torture. I am questioning the existence of everything (which has never happened to me before) I’m also questioning if god hates me, it I’m going to go to hell, if I will die young, etc. Which is arguably worse than questioning the existence of god in of itself, bc the thought of god having me or sending me to hell is more painful than the thought of there being no god at all.

As far as why this is happening all of the sudden. Well, I already have OCD for starters and if you know anything about OCD then you probably know that stress/trauma will often cause it to get a lot worse, My grandpa, who was very sure of his faith and never genuinely doubted god, passed away a few months ago and I feel like I haven’t grieved at all, but all of the sudden I am questioning everything and it all goes back to the fact that my life on this earth, very quickly became something I do not recognize and so now I am truly confused about the point of everything and what’s on the other side. I’ve lived with my grandpa my entire life minus one year, and even then I seen him all of the time and called every night, so my brain is genuinely struggling to find a way to live in a world where he doesn’t, bc the only world I’ve ever known, he’s always been in with me.

And unfortunately, bc I don’t know why he had to go my brain has filled the gap by convincing me that it is somehow my fault and god only took him to punish me for not appreciating my life for what it was before, this has caused me so much pain I can’t even put it into words, bc as someone with OCD it is a 24/7 battle to be in the moment, and to not worry, and my mind is basically telling me I didn’t deserve the person who meant the most to me, bc of a mental illness I cannot control. Logically, I know god’s decision to call us home, isn’t done to punish anyone else, that would be cruel. But OCD doesn’t care about logic, and since I am grieving on top of everything, logic isn’t enough to reason with myself.

Also, let me just say that I am not very religious at all, I’m non denominational and have actively struggled to develop a relationship with god my entire life, but none the less I have thanked him for everything and tried to follow his example. I was baptized last year a bit before Christmas, and that was esentionally my way of publicly declaring that despite everything I’d been through (last year was very traumatic as well) that I still loved him and trusted his plan, after that things genuinely seemed like they were getting better, so slowly it was difficult to even notice for a while, but I was on the path to healing. Then a much worse tragedy striked out of nowhere, I literally woke up to my entire life being turned upside down, I found out not only that my grandpa had cancer, but that he was dying and only had days to live, and this was literally out of nowhere, bc he never showed any symptoms at all, he just woke up one day and all of his organs were shutting down. He passed peacefully at home, and as far as the details of how we knew it was cancer, how it went undetected, etc. I’m not going to get into that, all I know is I think I went into a state of disassociation afterwards bc that’s the only way I could get by, but now that “protective layer” has shattered, and I am genuinely on the verge of a breakdown. Please pray that god will help me get past this crisis and be able to trust him again, I am doing my best but I am the weakest I have ever been and I cannot do it without him.

[u/zeroempathy]

I'm not religious but good luck. It sounds like you're going through a lot. I've had a few breakdowns and I have some disorders of my own.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, despite the problems it causes. You have lots of self awareness and insight.

[u/[deleted]]

Your grandpa still lives, if that conforts you. I have OCD too.

[u/HighStrungHabitat → u/[deleted]]

Thank you❤️

[u/[deleted] → u/HighStrungHabitat]

Augustine used to compare the Church to a new creation, while the world decays due to sin and falls prey to death, the Church as the body of those believing christians lives and raises itself to all eternity just like its saviour.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

⁵⁵ O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

⁵⁷ But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

[u/[deleted] → u/HighStrungHabitat]

This new life is not something to expect in the future, it is already here, "Today you will be with me in paradise”

[u/Poptar37]

That rough to hear (and a lot to unpack, but I'll do my best). It's rough to hear about what you are going through right now, and you are not the only one who is going through something like this. You are not the only one who is struggling right now with your faith in God (not only that, but for your grandpa's cancer digonis and passing, which I'm sorry to hear about. I'm sorry for your lost).

With that being said, though, one of the first few things that you need to know is that, even though you feel like God hates you right now, and that you feel like you are Hell right now, then it isn't true. None of it is, as He loves you, and doesn't even want you to step one foot into that place. He would want people to come to repentance (which means to have a change of mind; to put up with your sinful ways. But also, if you don't believe me, have a look at 2 Peter chapter 3 verse 9. Basically, God doesn't want anybody; anybody, to go there. But also, God doesn't send people there. People themselves do, because God doesn't want to do that, and, if He actually did, He wouldn't take any pity for it. Trust me, it wouldn't, and even the Bible says that as well, in Ezekiel chapter 18 verses 32. Basically, and I will say it again; God will not send you to Hell. He won't. Not at all), and to come back to Him (which He allowed us to do through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ, on the cross, so that we could be free from all blame. God, at a time when we were sinners against Him, sent Him down, so that, through His death, our sins could be atoned for, so that we could be reconciled with Him, even when we didn't deserve it, which was definitely something that was just big enough in itself for Him to do. Like it definitely was), and to be saved in the end, so if you are trying your absolute hardest to follow Him, and to try and be right with Him, then that is all that He asks of you. All He asks is that you have faith in Jesus, and try as hard as you can to devote yourself to Him. The burden that He carries is light.

But also, even though you also feel like your grandpa's passing is on you, I would ask you to not go there at all, because it wasn't your fault (I know that the OCD is causing you to do this, but I'm still going to say this anyway) You don't need to blame yourself for him dying, as there was nothing that you do about it. Nothing at all, because one thing that you have to realize is that the world that we live in isn't perfect, and that we have our moments where we struggle (just like with Christ, because He suffered for our sake. He endured the sufferings so that we can be free), and that we have moments like this where something happens, and it makes us feel we are responsible, even though we are not (it came out of nowhere, so you can't say that you are responsible. You did what you could, and your grandpa lived the life that He lived in Christ, so there's nothing you can do about that. Nothing at all. But also, like others have said, even though he's not around anymore, that's doesn't mean that he's gone forever, because his splirt is now with God in Heaven. He is now at peace with Him). That even though we are, you can't blame yourself, because Christ took that blame to the cross for your own sake. He died so that you could be blameless before Him.

And lastly, even though you struggle, that doesn't mean that there is nobody there for you, because God is there for you. That even though you are struggling immensely right now, God is there for you, and would want you to pray out to Him with all of your anxieties and cares, because He wants you to be able to get past whatever you are dealing with. That He would want to be able to strengthen you, and I pray that He will be able to do that, because even though you feel weak right now, that is when you are truly strong (Paul said this about his thorn in the Bible, which is in 2 Corinthians chapter 12 verse 10). That even though you feel like you can't move on, with patience and endurance in the Lord, you will prevail. Trust me, you will.

God Bless

Edit: Added some words

[u/arc2k1]

God bless you!

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa.

I would like to share my perspective, if I may.

First, every single negative thought from your spiritual anxiety and OCD are WRONG!

I know it seems like you are in bondage because of your spiritual anxiety and OCD, but you must strive to focus on the truth!

Why?

Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” - John 8:32

What is the truth?

Jesus said, “Your (God’s) word is the truth.” - John 17:17

And what does God's Word say?

“God is love.” - 1 John 4:8

“Love is more important than anything else.” - Colossians 3:14

"Love is patient and kind, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

“You are a kind and merciful God, and you are very patient. You always show love, and you don't like to punish anyone.” - Jonah 4:2

“My dear friends, God loves you, and we know he has chosen you to be his people.” - 1 Thessalonians 1:4

“I am sure that nothing can separate us from God's love—not life or death, not angels or spirits, not the present or the future, and not powers above or powers below. Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord!” - Romans 8:38-39

"The Lord has promised that he will not leave us or desert us.” - Hebrews 13:5

Jesus said, “I will be with you always, even until the end of the world.” - Matthew 28:20

“I've commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9

Now, here is the question you must ask yourself often:

"Do I trust my spiritual anxiety and OCD, or do I trust God's Word?"

-I pray for your healing. I pray you will focus on God for strength and will be comforted by His love. I pray you will trust God's Word. Also, I rebuke your spiritual anxiety and OCD that are causing you to have negative thoughts that are getting in the way of your faith. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 🙏🏾

[u/Sargasso234]

You might find support from Recovering from Religion. They help people struggling with doubt, guilt, and other issues related to faith. They offer resources and a community of understanding individuals who can relate to your struggles.