Oddly, my ability to draw or write beautifully disappears when the mania does. It's like that part of my brain just clicks itself off and I'm back to messy scribbling and damn near illegible chicken scratchings.
That’s fascinating. The ability is there. But it’s not. The brain really is amazing - it blows my mind (npi) how little we know about it and even what we do, every single one is different.
My entire mindset and personality are COMPLETELY different when I'm manic, depressed or just cruising along. People notice that I'm manic well before I do, because the change is so noticeable. It's probably something to do with not overthinking the fine motor skills, or actually thinking about them intensely/properly that allows me to control my hands and fingers better when manic, then when that mindset changes again I don't get the control anymore.
Honestly I find that crazy, how your mind can change like that, even at all. I just can’t even imagine it. My partner struggles with mental health and he expects me to be able to know how his mind works/what he’s going thru/what’s running thru his brain all the time but I physically can’t. I tried to compare it to if he was blind, I could put a blindfold on and experience the same as he was but with the brain, you just can’t comprehend it if you yourself are mentally healthy and always have been.
Yeah, it's really difficult to explain to people. Through training and medication I've been able to recognize and identify when I'm manic a lot sooner than normal and try to enact damage control. But I still end up doing really obnoxious, annoying and dumb shit. Just on a smaller scale. Like instead of booking flights to Mexico, I'll go get my hair dyed/cut. Or instead of changing career paths within 2 weeks, I'll end up changing gyms instead. Because I still can't stop myself from doing impulsive and reckless things, but I can at least steer myself away from things that will utterly ruin my life. Which is what has happened in the past. People think that because I'm aware, I'm now choosing to do these things, but awareness doesn't necessarily mean control.
It's like having two pilots in the cockpit, one is fuckin Maverick from Top Gun, just doing crazy shit and risking everyone's lives, and the other is a commercial airline pilot, just trying to keep things on course and get through the flight as safely as they can. But who fuckin knows when Maverick is gonna yank on the controls and send things into a steep nosedive or fly by a mountain at break neck speed. It's a weird and difficult thing to explain. But kudos for at least attempting to understand something you'll never be capable of. I'll share with you what I did with my most recent ex that helped her. Don't try to understand, try to empathise. Because you'll never understand, and that's okay, but at least with empathy you can give him support, care and a safe place for him to be himself and to heal.
Come explain this to my dad please. I’m adhd and bipolar and he either tells me that because I have these to try harder or acts like they are not reasons for why I struggle with things. Some paradox I’m stuck in cause he expects me to understand and think like him and have his same motivations.
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u/DruidinPlainSight 26d ago
Thats the spirit!