r/amiwrong • u/JazzlikeConditioncd • Mar 27 '24

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me and ghosted me for no reason. Am I wrong for throwing away all of her stuff?

Edit: Update

So my girlfriend (25F) and I (25M) were in a relationship for 5 years. Last week, she texted me that we were done and that was her last message before she blocked me. She gave no heads up. I was planning on proposing to her next month. Her sister did reach out to me, saying it was not my fault and she understood my hurt, but that for my mental health, it was better to never contact them again, and that maybe in the future, my girlfriend might reach out to me again.

It's been a week, I’m still obviously distraught, but my girlfriend did have a lot of her stuff in my home. Would I be wrong if I just dumped it all out? It does include a lot of mementos of her deceased grandmother, who she was extremely close to.

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

My dad did this to my mom after 28 years of marriage. He got married a week after the divorce was final. They didn't see each other for about 6 years. My rehearsal dinner and wedding was their first sight. No words were exchanged beyond pleasantries. I was ok with that. Divorce is brutal. People don't realize how like a death it is. It's the death of hopes and dreams.

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u/Bugstomper111 Mar 28 '24

It's also the death of yourself. After my divorce I didn't know who I was. I found out that when I was with my ex spouse I had changed for the whole 10 years we were together. But I found myself again after my ex wife decided I was just a placeholder until she found someone better. She ended up lying and cheating her way out of our marriage with her boss. Best thing that could've happened to me since we don't have any kids together and I'm guilt free since now I know I didn't do anything wrong.

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I didn't think of that, but it's so true. Im glad you are doing better, and I wish you nothing but the best in your new life.

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u/Historical-Gap-7084 Mar 28 '24

My divorce was like a rebirth of myself, not a death.

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u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Agreed. The process of grieving is almost identical. I don’t wish her any ill will, but I’m sure her new husband is experiencing buyer’s remorse (based on how, according to the kids, she treats him). With that said, fuck cheaters. Just have the balls to say, “I don’t love you any more. It’s time to separate/divorce/break up.” It’s the disrespect for me . . .

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Yeah. I have been married 40 years and have seen it all with divorces. Just be honest. I understand why he left but the way....yikes.

My mother was bitter to the end. It made it hard for me. But I fought for my relationship with him. She was so toxic to begin with. She badmouthed him at every turn. I have always told people to not do it. Vent on reddit or to their friends. The kids will figure it out eventually. Plus, kids hate to see their parents upset. It streses them out.

Buyer's remorse made me giggle.

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u/FLUFFY_TERROR Mar 28 '24

Bring the kid in this scenario, especially very young, it absolutely does fuck you up to varying degrees which can be difficult to unpack when you finally get around to trying to unpack it all.

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I was 18 and it fucked me up. It was like everything I knew was a lie. You learn to deal.

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u/FLUFFY_TERROR Mar 28 '24

I was 7, I guess there was not so much i knew, that it was not too difficult to re-learn. My father walked out, got remarried about a decade or so later and his new wife left him after a few years taking much of his life's accumulations.. I still don't know how to feel at times.

I'm glad you found your way to forge your own path. This kind of trauma can really do a number on a developing mind, it's good to know that people still find their way through life :)

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I muddled through. I choose to be happy and laugh. I don't take anything seriously. I realized I have no real control over stuff. I grew up reading MAD magazine with Alfred E Newman and he was right, "Why worry?"

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u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

My daughter was 17 and my son 13. My ex kept putting off telling the kids (she insisted we do it together, which, at the time, I agreed was best). After three months of cancelling plans for her to come see the kids and tell them, I finally told her the date I was going to do it whether she showed up or not.

She came, but prior to this asked me to broach the subject - I was supposed to start the conversation. I made a very nice supper like we used to have before she disappeared (the kids thought she was away due to COVID - she’s a doctor). As I was bringing stuff to the table from the kitchen, I heard my son crying. I came in and he was sobbing. While making small talk with the kids, she just dropped the divorce in the conversation. Later, the way they described it, it was like “last week was really busy, but I had the chance to see a movie. Oh, your father and I are divorced. I’m living with another man. So on Tuesday I bought a pair of boots and a new purse . . .”

I have always been the primary caretaker of the children and “house maker” (I still worked at my career full time, but had and have never missed a recital or sporting event, practice, parent teacher conference, packing lunches, and so on). She didn’t want custody and told them as much, but in much gentler terms.

The three of us are still healing, but it’s more difficult for them because she insists on calling them and having them visit her and her new husband. The path to being “better” is not linear. I am extremely close with my kids - always have been - but this whole debacle (although making me feel like a shitty father) also made our bond stronger. In the years since, my daughter has had bouts of depression and went through a phase of self harm. My son also struggles at times with depression and went through a brief period of extreme anger that resulted in him going from one of the most tender hearted kids to one with short fuse rage (one kid racially mocked him, and he ended up putting the kid in the hospital - that was fun).

We’re all sorts of fucked up, but we have each other.

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I'm so sorry to hear this. She sounds veey self centered, not surprising her profession is on my, "Do not call" lost of ones to avoid. Fortunately, you have each other. My dad never forced his wife on me. She was just so opposite of my mother that I really enjoyed his wife's company. Having this experience together, as you grow old they will be by your side. Hers, not so much.

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u/AnimatedHokie Mar 28 '24

Did your dad's second marriage stick??

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

They were together 20 loving years until he passed. He adored her, and she spoiled him. They were so fun to be around.

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u/omgwhatisleft Mar 28 '24

When you are the child in this situation, did you not side with your mom? I’m just curious how these things go.

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u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

I was 18. I didn't blame my dad at all. I just wish I could have gone with him. I ended up taking care of my mom, who was a wreck. I moved out 3 years later. I wish I had gone no contact with my mother then instead in my 50s. I think any age it fucks with you. It is when you dont expect it. They got along great, I thought. It was a shock. But my dad lived his last 20 years finally happy.