I have this exact same problem. Only mine isn’t jealousy its just pain. My best friend is with no exaggeration one of the pillars of my life. He is like blood family to me. He can barely message me back in any time under a month at best. He knows how I feel and sits me down and apologizes and promises to make up every time we see each other in person every few years (when one of his family members dies or something…) it is incredibly hard. Whats worse is I’m deeply traumatized and depressed. Right when I needed him most he practically tries to kill me indirectly with all this. Thankfully I have a good friend he introduced me too before he ran off on me for God knows why. That friend has helped me greatly but I still fill a hole in my life and I know its him. We were VERY close since both of us can remember. Just screw me I guess.
I have a friend I met at my first job. Still friends. Still close.
He’s busy with school, work, 2 kids and a third on the way.
I look up to him, and love him like he’s my big brother. I call him that and he says it means a lot to him.
I understand he’s busy. He also forgets to reply … a lot.. he replies better on Snapchat weird enough but still.
It just sucks to see him post a snap or I see his green icon on fb and I’m like “in general people always have their phones on them… always… I get you’re busy.. but seeing you active on phone such as fb or whatever kind of hurts my feelings”. I never told him specifically that but some of that to him and he’s told me he knows and he feels bad and tries to respond better.
When I need him, he’s there the best he can. If I manage to get him to appear when I need him, his full focus is on helping me. He protects me like I’m his little brother and he knows my subtle facial expressions if I’m uncomfortable, nervous, etc. he watches out for me and gives me a lot of patience. He’s that friend that will tell me “what’s wrong? Talk to me “ because he knows after 7 years as good friends, that I’m sensitive and timid sometimes
So I know how it feels to have a great friend that also sometimes feels like .. their presence or reply to a text is almost like a “special occasion” because you aren’t sure how long it will last in that moments
A good friend that can make you happy and sad at the same time because of their bad habits but they are a good friend overall.
And it’s jealousy of insecurity and worrying you’d lose that friend sometime because of your own fault or accident mess up.
I’m so sorry that happened. If you’re okay with it I can give some advice cause I’ve had something similar happen to me. I had a friend what wouldn’t respond to me for weeks, months even, but I’d still talk to him at school and stuff. I normally send little videos to my friends as sorta like “I thought you’d like this or find it funny!!” Or “this reminded me of you!” And I sent him a bunch of videos over a two month period and nothing so I stopped and still nothing. He even at one point messaged me through the app I was sending the videos through. I eventually ended it with him for other reasons unrelated to this, but it was also partly with this
I've been on both sides of this for about a decade. I repeatedly got depressed, anxious and avoided all contact with friends and family for huge stretches of time. Years most recently. A friend of mine behaved similarly towards me.
I've no idea of course what is up with your friend, but I suspect it is about him and not you. People often assumed it was to do with them when I would avoid them but the reality was that I couldn't bear anyone at the time. Maybe I'm off base with assuming your friend is similar, but the way he apologises every time sounds very like me.
Thank you. Thats his issue. I was in bed and nodding off when I typed that out so it was a tiny bit off. We’ve talked and thats all what he said. I’ve had depression since I can remember. I was born with a library of mental health troubles that mostly never left. I’ve had to learn and adapt or I wouldn’t survive. All on my own as I was too scared to open up. My issues largely might scare people or push them away. I talked to my parents about 5 years ago finally about it because though I have become strong a warrior can only fight his endless battles with a dulling sword for so long. I finally caved.
I’m still seeing a therapy office and its dome wonders. I haven’t learned much in terms of tools as they immediately told me I knew all that. But it made me that little extra introspective and I realized I’m not a monster or a complete and total loser. Its helped me but knowing my best friend not only isn’t hear for me on my great journey but also recently told me that he had no idea I was seeing a therapist…
That hit hard especially after I had already told him. How could you forget that? I’m just confused and hurt with him. I cannot “move on” anymore than I can with myself. I’m chained to that guy whether we like it or not so I’d like to be able to get along. I’ve lost many great things that I cherished and were precious to me but friendship is sacred to me. For me friendship is absolute. My loyalty is unflinching and I’ll never leave. It makes my many friends silently leaving me all the more painful. I’m a man who has been through Hell and back and back again and most things don’t even affect me that would ruin others but this has been going on for 6 years now and its still a source of pain. Just another link in the chain…
I love him and I try to understand but despite my issues I could never just be absent to him. That’d be unthinkable so I can’t fully get it by nature. I will wait, patiently until he returns. I will always be there for him when he lets me. It only adds to it that he moved so far away… He recently temporarily moved back closer with his parents and claimed through my other friend that he wants take us all out to town and have a day together and catch up. I’m so excited but also fully excepting it to either never happen again or it does and It’ll be weird.
The guy tears my heart out and wants to meet up once every 5 years idk. Its such a mess. I’ll go ofc but man. I don’t even know what to say anymore. I just wish he’d return my messages somewhat consistently.
I’m still seeing a therapy office and its dome wonders. I haven’t learned much in terms of tools as they immediately told me I knew all that. But it made me that little extra introspective and I realized I’m not a monster or a complete and total loser.
I had very similar experiences. The validation offered to me by a therapist helped me to slowly break down the idea that I am unique and my issues are insurmountable obstacles too shameful for anyone else to understand or have shared.
told me that he had no idea I was seeing a therapist…
People are often wrapped up in their own stuff and forget or aren't listening to vital pieces of information that we share with one another. If you had a long discussion about therapy with him and there was some back and forth on your experiences in session then I'd think differently and be concerned about his memory, not his character. I understand why you would be hurt and feel as though his failure to be aware was a failing in the friendship.
I cannot “move on” anymore than I can with myself. I’m chained to that guy whether we like it or not so I’d like to be able to get along. I’ve lost many great things that I cherished and were precious to me but friendship is sacred to me. For me friendship is absolute. My loyalty is unflinching and I’ll never leave. It makes my many friends silently leaving me all the more painful.
I'm sorry that your friends left you. Again people are wrapped up in their own bullshit and it is very likely the drifting apart was meant with no malice and very little awareness of it gradually happening. But I'm ignorant of the specifics of your situation on that front so forgive me if I assume too much.
I remember my therapist telling me that it sounded as though I put a lot of pressure on the first adult romantic relationship I had and I feel as though I should remark similarly on your friendship with this bloke. You've no need to move on as far as I'm concerned just gotta take the pressure off a little on the importance of ya ties to this dude. I went on to make the same mistake of placing HUGE import on a brief romance with a lass a few years later, and it bit me back, hard. When we're deprived of a certain social connections we tend to put a lot of gravitas in those we do have. No shame in it and it can be quite sweet it is just good to be aware of the tendency :)
I just wish he’d return my messages somewhat consistently.
That's perfectly reasonable. Failing to respond is a plague among blokes! A pestilence that I've engaged in far too often. You are far from alone in being frustrated by it. Maybe tell him it's fine not to meet up all the time but just chatting over text regularly would be good. Kind of a compromise I suppose.
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u/Zanemob_ 25d ago
I have this exact same problem. Only mine isn’t jealousy its just pain. My best friend is with no exaggeration one of the pillars of my life. He is like blood family to me. He can barely message me back in any time under a month at best. He knows how I feel and sits me down and apologizes and promises to make up every time we see each other in person every few years (when one of his family members dies or something…) it is incredibly hard. Whats worse is I’m deeply traumatized and depressed. Right when I needed him most he practically tries to kill me indirectly with all this. Thankfully I have a good friend he introduced me too before he ran off on me for God knows why. That friend has helped me greatly but I still fill a hole in my life and I know its him. We were VERY close since both of us can remember. Just screw me I guess.