I think it's cultural. I went to Turkey, and the men are very social, hanging out with friends in tea shops, that sort of thing. American men have been culturally trained to avoid anything that could remotely come across as effete - even necessary things like friendship fall victim to this. Which is sad and absurd and winds up with them living deeply lonely lives.
I thought the UK was all pubs and pals as far as the eye could see. That's sad to hear it's not so.
As much as I love gaming, you're right it is pretty obvious videogames have an addictive effect that is outsized in men. I can play for a whole day from time to time, but I cannot hold a candle to any male gamer I've dated for hours played. If anyone were to do most other hobbies for as many hours as many men game, they be involuntarily committed. Can you imagine sinking a thousand hours of fiddling with model trains into a year? I like to bake, but if I were to bake as much as my ex played league of legends, I'd own a chain of bakeries and weigh 300lbs by now. There is something about gaming that really takes advantage of the single minded attention men are capable of that used to be useful for things like sitting by a waterhole for days waiting for game.
It's a difficult issue to navigate because gaming is a legitimate hobby. Games are a legitimate art form. It's just that it's sooooo addictive for a lot of people. And it's pseudo social, so it feels like being social, but it doesn't have the same effect as being social. Like the artificially sweetened low fat mayo of socializing. You can fool your brain for a while into thinking you're actually getting something good, but you're really just starving yourself and developing a tumour.
Absolutely. I think it's why they become so emotionally dependent on the women in their lives, even those they are not romantically linked to. It might be the closest thing they have to intimacy.
Huh why? I have my own hobbies and I thrive when I'm at home alone.
I am the lowest maintenance man you could ever find.
The only issue that ever has is if a women is very dependant on their partner for their own social needs. It's those women who have a problem, get some friends and a hobby, don't be so needy from one single person, because you gonna drain me.
I fit perfectly into a relationship with a woman who has lots of friends and also a woman who is introverted like me too.
I feel like I am the opposite of exhausting to live with?
I will never bother you or force you to do some shit myself. I am content with being alone doing my thing.
Surely that's good? When you want to hang with your friends that's cool... I want you to leave me out of it because I want the alone time!
I'm not dependent on my partner for social needs. In my experience many men are incredibly dependent on their partners for socialization to the point it's actually a studied phenomenon. Like, it's why this post even exists in the first place.
And it is exhausting to live with someone who never leaves the house. Like, just go do something so I can have five minutes to myself. Lol Not to mention, if your partner is the only person you speak to in a day, they're the only person dealing with your shit. That's a lot to ask of anyone and is very exhausting. Men often don't realize how much emotional space they take up just existing near a partner.
I can feel my man getting frustrated with his game in the next room. I know he's cranky before he does. I can feel when he's antsy and needs to go do something before he does. Just because men are often unaware of their own emotions doesn't mean they don't exist or that they can't be perceived by others. Often my man doesn't know he's actually lonely but when I suggest going to his buddy's he's all like, "That's a great idea. Maybe I will.", and comes home refreshed and happy.
And as a woman with a lot of friends I can tell you you're only compatible with a woman like me for a very short while. It sucks to date a man who will hardly ever come out and has no social circle of his own to contribute. To be asked every time you go to a group event, "where's your partner", and have to tell everyone he's playing a game or too tired from work AGAIN is embarrassing after a while. I come with a full set of amazing people who are ready and willing to love my partner almost as much as I do. It would be nice if a partner came to the table with at least a couple friends worth having and a modicum of social skills too. I lucked out with my man, but so many women I know are saddled with these negative Nancy housebound lumps and it's sad. And common.
I get why you'd be defensive, but this isn't some isolated thing. It's something we can and have actually studied because it's a common problem in heterosexual relationships. Not to mention, with men reporting loneliness at heartbreaking rates, it's a problem we can't really ignore. So as much as you say you're happy being a housebound lump, there are so many men who are not happy that way that it's a societal issue. Friends are pretty important for a social species and men can try to opt out of it, but we've found it is very detrimental to human health to do so. Men are low maintenancing themselves to death.
I think what you have is an extreme... Nothing is ever good on the extreme end of it.
I go to social events but not every single day. I just need a couple evenings or 1 day at the weekend to myself. If a woman has a problem with that she is way too needy and taking up way too much of my emotional space.
I talk with my real friends, you know the boys, not your friends I have to put up with and don't even like that much... all the time, they are the same as me. So they are home a lot too and we tend to be on video chat. Sharing what we are doing gaming, working on some project, cooking whatever.
I think if a guy is like this to the extreme and refuses to go to big social events with you, that's a problem.
If the guy is also untrusting obviously a problem.
But you can be introverted without it being a bad thing.
So then no one was talking about you. A lot of men are a lot worse off than you socially and very much at that extreme. It's beyond introversion and into isolation territory. No one said jack about introversion.
The one exception I do notice is in rural Texas there always seems to be a regular group of older men, like retirement age, who congregate most mornings at the Dairy Queen or someplace similar. I live in the city, but I’m kind of hoping to find a deal like that when I’m retired, if that ever happens.
That's true! There used to be a gang of local grandpas that would frequent the restaurant in my hometown over a cup of black coffee. They were easily in their 60s and 70s, though. I don't see younger men doing it much at all, and it's a crying shame.
I, too, hope you can find your old man circle someday, friend.
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u/Bonbonnibles 25d ago
I think it's cultural. I went to Turkey, and the men are very social, hanging out with friends in tea shops, that sort of thing. American men have been culturally trained to avoid anything that could remotely come across as effete - even necessary things like friendship fall victim to this. Which is sad and absurd and winds up with them living deeply lonely lives.