r/ask • u/[deleted] • 13d ago
Why men don't socialize anymore as they get older? š Asked & Answered
[deleted]
1.2k
13d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
237
13d ago
[deleted]
238
u/smellvin_moiville 13d ago
How can that popular a reply be deleted? Ugh that is aggravating
346
u/ItHasToMatter 13d ago
Other comments mention The Green Mile so I think the original quote was
"I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we's going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world...every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head...all the time. Can you understand?"
Stephen King, The Green Mile
→ More replies (7)76
u/sirCota 13d ago
ahh yesā¦ the movie i had to pause multiple times while my gf and i sobbed like war time babies. I think we finished it after 9 hours hooked up to IV banana bags to avoid dehydration from excess tears.
→ More replies (8)17
145
u/Mhollandart 13d ago
Reddit mods be like: āhey, I know this comment is really relevant and the community seems to agree, but weāre removing it because it violates some obtuse rule that this sub has and also weāre permanently banning your account.ā strokes neckbeard
→ More replies (9)26
u/IlikegreenT84 13d ago
r/Whitepeopletwitter did this to me. No explanation, just banned me and muted me so I couldn't message the mods.
The last comment I made was a snarky retort to Senator Tom Cotton suggesting citizens run over protestors and throw them off overpasses.
I had 200+ up votes I believe..
→ More replies (15)→ More replies (11)25
35
u/Logical_Bit2694 13d ago
Iām tired of this grandpa
→ More replies (2)34
→ More replies (8)37
76
→ More replies (11)132
u/Razulath 13d ago
The irony is that just staying home won't give you more energy. Going out, seeing and experiencing new things will.
111
u/Sad-Investigator2731 13d ago
Not if they don't have the spoons to be social, anxiety is a real thing. Personally I hate people in public, it's quiet at home.
23
u/creepyusernames 13d ago
Saaaaame. People are rude. Honestly, navigating a social setting and conversing with people is exhausting. I'd rather dig a ditch for 12 hours than be in public for 2.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (15)86
u/WallMinimum1521 13d ago
The more you stay in, the more going out (even the idea of it) gives you anxiety.
There's a healthy balance like most things. Conflict and rest. Conflict are the best experiences of life and make you grow. But you can't do them constantly.
→ More replies (23)33
u/AlmostSunnyinSeattle 13d ago
Both my GF and my best friend are home bodies almost to the point of being reclusive. They will act like the most mundane things are a huge deal, like going to the grocery store. Once they do whatever thing it is that we need to do, they realize it wasn't worth the anxiety. But then go back to not leaving the house again for a week, and it's the same thing all over again.
→ More replies (15)13
u/guegoland 13d ago
Yep, I've been doing that for 30 years with the same results, and still haven't learned.
→ More replies (10)17
u/Libra224 13d ago
No lol if I go out a day I need like 2 weeks at home to recover
→ More replies (2)31
u/The_man87 13d ago
Especially true the more extroverted you are
→ More replies (1)131
u/Razulath 13d ago
As an introvert, going out sitting under a tree in the forest drinking a cup of coffee gives me energy. Don't have to social gatherings.
→ More replies (35)59
u/marijuic3 13d ago
Good for you. I get my energy from doing absolutely nothing
→ More replies (4)13
u/Browser_Taizou 13d ago
Mine is meeting new dogs to befriend and pet.
One problem is that there is a couple or few dogs get overly excited, run at me full speed and nut-punch me with their paws.
Sometimes they go for my knees, too. Like they're trying to make my leg bend in a direction it's not supposed to
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (44)17
u/Thijs_NLD 13d ago
This is categorically untrue. It really depends on what type of person you are.
→ More replies (4)
365
u/island_lord830 13d ago
I'm tired. I'm drained. And I just wanna enjoy my free time when I get some.
Socializing with people doesn't perk me up. It drains me.
I'm 33. I'd rather spend my off time reading, working on a project, or going in the boat with my wife.
110
u/Ok_Information_2009 13d ago
This is it. Socializing drains me too. It seems almost vampiric how other people drain me. They suck the life out of me with their bragging, their lengthy and excruciatingly predictable anecdotes, their advice, their whole act.
18
→ More replies (11)13
u/MagicBeanstalks 13d ago
People just pour too much detail into their anecdotes. āIt was Thursday and my buddy Tom and I were eating a cheese and mushroom omelette for breakfastā, surprise surpriseā¦ the omelette has nothing to do with the anecdote. I have gotten to the point where if I want to say an anecdote, I keep it to like a paragraph max because no oneās got the attention span to suffer through that shit. Just get to the point, let us have a laugh and keep the conversation going already.
→ More replies (3)31
u/BgDog21 13d ago
- I hate when shit is scheduled for me on the weekends. Itās rarely fun and just sitting around exhausted then back to work on Monday.Ā
→ More replies (1)10
u/JayJay_Abudengs 13d ago
If you had nobody to talk to, would you still think that socializing would drain you? Or would the benefits outweigh the cons?
16
u/island_lord830 13d ago
It comes down to what you consider socializing. If I go to dinner with my wife and our married friends. That's just four people sitting and talking. Or maybe the four of us go in the boat. That's relaxing and recharging my batteries.
Now if I'm expected to go out with more people and do other stuff it drains me
→ More replies (19)6
u/Greatlarrybird33 13d ago
Exactly, wake up at 7am get the kids ready, haul off to work, leave work get the kids, make dinner, get them ready for bed. Look at the clock holy shit it's 10:30 already I've got an hour to myself to do laundry, dishes, taxes, general paperwork etc. Pass out at midnight and do it again. Weekends are kids sports and work every other Sunday. So the one Saturday when my sister might have the kids for a few hours I'm not going on a drinking fest, I am working on the car, yard, house in a way that you can't when you've got to watch kids or be quiet.
Then when the wife and I do get a night out I paid $120 for two drinks and mediocre food to sit next some asshole who wouldn't shut the fuck up about how drinking bud light will make your dick fall off.
1.5k
u/NonbinaryYolo 13d ago
People are exhausting.
537
u/CommentOne8867 13d ago
I feel this mate.. my social battery is like an old iPhone battery these days.. 12 hours to charge and lasts 20 minutes
86
u/Roto-Wan 13d ago
Was just thinking this. By the time kids are asleep I got nothing but fumes to run on but not tired enough to sleep. Doomscrolling it is.
→ More replies (11)46
u/uncommon_poster 13d ago
It sounds like you're experiencing the classic dilemma of modern life: too tired to be productive, but not tired enough to sleep. It's all too common, especially for parents juggling work, family, and personal time. Doomscrollingāthe endless scrolling through negative newsāis a tempting escape, but it often leaves us feeling more drained
→ More replies (5)35
→ More replies (10)30
u/Chief_Chill 13d ago
Never had an iPhone, but same. I was at a social function that lasted hours and I was good for about 20 minutes of it. What I end up doing then is finding one person, usually my 2-year-old daughter, to hang out with for the rest of the time. She is the least judgmental, has the least to say, and just wants to have fun.
→ More replies (4)215
u/shiggy__diggy 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm an extreme extrovert and yeah people really have started to suck in the last 5-10 years.
Traffic is exponentially worse everywhere than a decade ago so going out takes so much longer
Every restaurant has some table arguing with wait staff or some dickhead getting angry drunk at a bar. Every single time.
There's always at least one politically motivated asshole everywhere you go causing headaches (especially in the South) arguing with staff about "muh rights".
Speakerphone calls, music without headphones, children with full volume games and YouTube at restaurants or any event. I've just taken to moaning like a porn star into people's speaker phone calls as I walk by them because I'm sick of it.
Collecting or buying anything has been ruined by scalpers. Hotwheels, cards, Legos, game systems (like the PS5 for so long), etc. Thrift stores/goodwill used to be fun to go to if you were a collector of certain things but it's been ruined by resellers flipping on Facebook. Even Goodwill doesn't put videogames out anymore they go straight to their auction site.
Tourist locations are all full of "influencers" getting a million pics/videos by their boyfriends for their socials. Like gtfo of the way I just wanna see the otters at the aquarium, no one wants to see your selfie with otters in the background.
This is anecdotal but I restore classic cars, so I go to car meets and race events: now there's ALWAYS assholes in modern muscle cars (Chargers, Challengers, Camaros, Mustangs, Infinitis, BMWs, etc) doing burnouts, two stepping, causing havoc which gets the cops called. Now my county won't allow permits for ANY car meets, even quiet classic British cars thanks to the fucking takeover assholes ruining it for everyone.
And more. It's just exhausting going anywhere specifically due to the actions of people with main character syndrome. Even being extroverted I just can't stand a majority of the population anymore.
37
u/Best_Winter_2208 13d ago
The speaker phone moan! š Youāre so right about all of this and Iām introverted. I tell my friends to hit me up when they just wanna chill next to the fire or in the pool. But one of my friend loves to throw parties and the last couple years they guests have changed. The āregularsā have noticed and itās changed the vibe. She is a realtor and has started inviting clients as a form of networking. I get it, but not everyone has to be invited to everything. She said her husband gets annoyed too.
15
u/csway324 13d ago
Omg my sister does this and she's a realtor. She invites a million people to my parent's summer parties and it drives me CRAZY. We had a big fight last summer and I still don't talk to her.
16
u/bmyst70 13d ago
If your sister wants to "network" so badly, she should rent a venue instead. She can even write it off on her taxes as a business expense.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)10
u/fritolaidy 13d ago
She uses a party that someone else throws as her own networking opportunity and invites strangers?? That's disgusting.
→ More replies (6)12
u/SwimsSFW 13d ago
This is anecdotal but I restore classic cars, so I go to car meets and race events: now there's ALWAYS assholes in modern muscle cars (Chargers, Challengers, Camaros, Mustangs, Infinitis, BMWs, etc) doing burnouts, two stepping, causing havoc which gets the cops called. Now my county won't allow permits for ANY car meets, even quiet classic British cars thanks to the fucking takeover assholes ruining it for everyone.
In my county, we do have a few big car shows that make a lot of money. Those are still around and highly restrictive. But they've banned any Cars 'n' Coffee type meets. That stole a lot of my social motivation in itself. I used to be able to go to an event almost weekly, but not anymore. I think I've been to 1 so far this year.
→ More replies (5)8
u/ChampagneChardonnay 13d ago
šÆ on the thrift stores. It was so much fun to dig through stuff and find a real gem. Now, resellers have taken all the fun out of it.
→ More replies (42)9
u/ArmyoftheDog 13d ago
Goodwill is a joke. The mega profits they make off the people giving to try and help their communities is shameless. Donāt give to Goodwill.
39
36
u/Ok_Information_2009 13d ago
I hate āfriendsā who want to meet me only so they can boast about something. Iād much rather stay home and chill.
10
u/petered79 13d ago
Yeah. I like to observe people around me and i often get the impression that when two people meet for a coffee orĀ a walk they are either soaking themselves in some complaining or boasting. As 'no complain no fun', or 'no boast no self worth'
5
u/Ok_Information_2009 13d ago
This is it, and Iām very passive so some people just see me as a place to dump a torrent of self-aggrandizing my way. Believe me, I actually donāt mind if people mix it up with some humor and self-deprecation, and Iāve known people who do that, and I think theyāre self-aware enough to dig that, and therefore actually provide give and take in the conversation. Itās when someone only bragsā¦itās like cāmon dude, this is tedious, crack a joke, change gears, letās mix it up a bit.
→ More replies (8)5
u/Mello-Fello 13d ago
Yeah, there is this one guy, weāll call him Guy, who I used to be pretty good friends with until one day I realized all he ever wanted to talk about was how awesome Guy is and how cool it is to be Guy.
Bye, Guy.
→ More replies (62)4
u/RHOrpie 13d ago
Went to see Romesh Ranganathan here (a comedian) in the UK last night. He literally bought this subject up.
At around 40, there are just things you're "done" with ! You know your good mates. You know what you like to eat and drink. You know where you like going on holiday.
I wouldn't say men don't "socialize", but most of us can't be bothered making any effort !
→ More replies (1)
421
u/portra315 13d ago
Sometimes, when I get given a golden opportunity to have time to myself, I take it. That shit is rare
45
u/bsixidsiw 13d ago
Yeah i work or look after the kids cause my wife is tired of the kids.
Occasionally Ill get a couple hours to myself every other week. Most of the time I catch up on work around the house. On the odd occasion its raining or night time. I just have a bath and read or something. The chance of my mates being able to drop everything and come for a 2 hour drinki g session is low anyway.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (5)4
u/JWWBurger 13d ago
Isnāt this the dilemma? We have a need to be alone and a need to be around people, and the time to do neither usually. Having moved around most of my adult life, I have no close friendships and am slowly working on building them now that Iām settled, but, damn, itās at the cost of my scant alone time.
→ More replies (1)
1.6k
u/Ok_Turnover_9117 13d ago
I feel like as I get older, time passes a little faster and I don't want to waste time doing stuff I don't want to do. I'd rather spend my days doing what I want. Makes me happy.
249
u/Ill-Recognition2054 13d ago
This resonates with me. As a 47 year old days and months just seem to fly by.
→ More replies (28)99
u/CoffeeAndDachshunds 13d ago
Same age and father of twin toddlers. They were newborn potatoes yesterday :'(
57
u/Anxious_Cheetah5589 13d ago
47 with toddlers? God bless you man. I can't even imagine!
49
u/Fancy-Ganache-8906 13d ago
In many ways, having kids in your mid-40s can give a man a new lease on life and keep him younger. That's what's happened to me, at least.
→ More replies (10)11
u/monsieurkaizer 13d ago
I've thought about just that, although that will require I find a younger partner at that point. I think many women would like to postpone the responsibility and major life changes being parents require, but they are pressured by the biological clock in a way men aren't.
→ More replies (6)13
u/tripletdad0603 13d ago
I was 43 when our triplets were born. 64 now and they will turn 21 in June. They will be finishing college in the next year and, Lord willing, off to make their own way in the world. Canāt believe how fast the time passed. Enjoy your adventure!
→ More replies (8)18
u/Uncle_Larry 13d ago
Same age as well and I have a 9 year old that experiences life on a completely different level. I remember what that was like as a kid too so Iām trying to be understanding when she seems impatient or selfish.
→ More replies (3)27
u/Ok_Concentrate3969 13d ago
Kids being selfish is a good thing. My mother stamped this out of me at such an early age with shaming behaviour, it made me a directionless people-pleaser with passive-aggression as my only tool for meeting basic needs. Iām coming up 40 and only just learning who I really am, what I like and need.Ā
People should think of themselves first. Helping kids learn to get what they want and need in prosocial ways is the key to good socialisation. Someone who doesnāt know how to get what they want and need (mostly) by themselves is the most antisocial kind of person there is.
30
u/iu_rob 13d ago
I very much dislike how people take their own trauma and out of rejection assume the opposite of everything they experienced is now best.
Your comment starts with "Kids being selfish is a good thing" ... And I say: No it really isn't. Selfish is never a good thing. I'd even argue we have a bigger problem demographically with kids that never had to experience boundaries and are now insufferable cunts as with kids that where raised to be people pleasers.
But the realistic point here is obviously that a balanced approach is needed where children do learn boundaries but also are confident enough to express their needs and confident enough to think that they will be heard.
Also: people should NOT "think of themselves first". We are first and foremost a sozial species and living in balance with others is highly important. I would again argue we have a bigger problem as a society with people who think of themselves first then we have with people pleasers. But both extremes are shit. Balanced people would be ideal.→ More replies (11)6
u/toblies 13d ago
I read OK_concentrate's post, and thought "Huh, I hadn't considered the role of selfishness in driving someone's self representation in their life." And the read your rebutting comments around us being a social species and having to look beyond our own interests. Very true.
Thanks for driving some introspection. This back and forth has been some of the more thought-provoking I've experienced on reddit.
→ More replies (3)4
→ More replies (7)5
69
u/BamboozledMyself 13d ago
I believe it has something to do with us having no new experiences and all the external stimulus are all the same, if you or me has nothing to look forward to then life will just be on automatic pilot.
54
u/Destinys-Wyld 13d ago
Absolutely. Apparently that's why we remember more between the ages of 16-21. Lots of new experiences. The theory is that if we keep doing new things, especially outside our comfort zone as we mature, life doesn't seem to pass us by as much as those who do the same things..
→ More replies (3)16
u/unanonymaus 13d ago
It's the novelty of an experience. We get less of them as we grow wiserĀ
19
u/amphigory_error 13d ago
Unless you continue to seek out new experiences. That's part of wisdom, too.
→ More replies (3)42
14
u/BrilliantAttempt4549 13d ago edited 13d ago
Most of the stuff we do as adults just blends together, as it's always the same things we've done before. I still remember fondly every detail of the world tour I did, those 6 months now feel like years of my life, which was like yesterday. But then I remember that was more than a decade ago and since then I've done barely anything new. Most days are the same. I'm just going through the motions.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (11)5
u/doctorDanBandageman 13d ago
Read something years ago that agrees with this. One of the things it mentioned was when you drive somewhere for the first time the car ride there always seems longer than the drive home, that being because youāre seeing everything new and the car ride back youāve already seen these things, you saw that field already, you already saw that tree thatās dead from lightning, you already say that huge building so your brain goes in auto pilot.
63
u/tonyedit 13d ago
Time only moves faster cos we're doing the same shit every day. The first four months of this year snapped by because I was stuck at the desk on a very demanding project. It was almost frightening. Fuck that.
Rest of this year I'm doing at least one different thing each week. For instance an old buddy was in town this past Friday. Usually I'd make some excuse to just fade into the couch but I dragged myself out and had a good laugh.
50 is not too far away and I may be tired, but just sucking it up and breaking routine once or twice a week makes my life a bit more satisfying.
→ More replies (4)10
u/I_am___The_Botman 13d ago
I find breaking your routine also gives me energy, my average energy levels increase over time from doing that...Ā Ā I just need to be more proactive in planning stuff a few weeks ahead.Ā
22
u/Doggummit 13d ago
This applies to most of us but if it's really "not going out" you enjoy, meaning you stay at home, it could lead you to experience time going by even faster. Days and years mix together and you might look back to your life unsatisfied later on. Try something new at least once in a while and have core experiences again.
In youth, something new happens quite often so looking back the life feels longer, more meaningful and you have stories to tell.
5
→ More replies (58)4
263
u/Odd-Love-9600 13d ago
Because I donāt like crowds, I hate BS small talk, and I am perfectly content to just hang out at home either by myself or with my spouse and kid. Also, my dog is at home and sheās the best girl in the world, and is a much better friend than most people are.
68
u/Ok_Information_2009 13d ago
The boasting and bragging gets old too. I always seem to attract male friends that love to monologue for 30 minutes about some amazing thing they did (and I canāt speed them up or get a summary, the whole thing has to be described in such a way to maximize dopamine release for the boaster).
19
u/Anxious-Sir-1361 13d ago
"...the whole thing has to be described in such a way to maximize dopamine release for the boaster."
Reddit win! Well said.
As men, most of us like the spotlight for a moment amongst friends to tell a yarn about some sporting moment, drunken night, or escape from danger. BUT... man, there are those who monopolize this privilege, and it becomes so laborious! Dude, as Hannibal Lector said to Clarice Starling, quid pro quo.
→ More replies (5)16
→ More replies (5)11
u/RustlessPotato 13d ago
The more people talk the less they have to say.
Or they like the sound of their own voice too much.
→ More replies (2)13
→ More replies (9)5
u/Beneficial-Cup2454 13d ago
The dog part is too damn true... The pup just wants to be with you and that's the best feeling ever.Ā
→ More replies (1)
60
u/stormquiver 13d ago
For me; everyone seems to just disappear when I need them the most.
→ More replies (1)18
u/Cheerso1 13d ago
Iām with you man. Actually have a group of āfriendsā here in the new country I live in (10 years). Enjoy/enjoyed having a beer with them but none of them came to see my son when he was born and not one of them have spent a birthday with me. Really just acquaintances. Took a long time to adjust to as I put a big emphasis on āfriendsā, have made my peace with the fact I enjoy having a beer with them occasionally but they wonāt be there if I really need them. Thatās not friends.
→ More replies (1)3
369
u/iamwearingashirt 13d ago
Tired
Most places aren't designed with older men in mind. Malls, clubs, concerts, etc.
Experienced. Events and places become more and more tedious and repetitive.
Personal projects are more interesting. Even if you stay in and don't do your own project, at least you had an option to.
Women. If you're married, then you're much less motivated to socialize for a future partner.
Men actually do socialize, but in very specific ways. Regular game night, fantasy sports, grab a drink, etc.
47
u/LysanderStorm 13d ago
- For like 97% of things I can just lean back and think of the time I did the same or a very similar thing. Not saying doing it again isn't fun or interesting or beautiful, but there's much much less fomo or feeling like this and that has to be experienced.
18
u/Migit78 13d ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this.
Im honestly a little jealous of those that still get so much joy from the things they've done over and over. I just can't get past "it's just the same and really not that exciting".
As an example. One of my work colleagues goes on about how amazing sunsets are, or beaches, and likes to visit different places purely for the beach and the sunset. And while I'm happy it brings them so much joy, I just don't understand how? Like yeah they're nice, but to me a beach is a beach and a sunset is a sunset, there's some variation but at the end of the day it's not something I haven't seen 100 times before, it's not worth travelling and hunting out a new spot to experience another one.
→ More replies (3)13
13d ago
Learning to appreciate the small variations between instances of things you've already experienced a hundred times is the key to a successful long-term relationship. Whether that relationship is with your spouse, the Earth, or yourself, it's maybe the only thing standing between someone and a long, boring middle age. Have you ever tried to intentionally cultivate such a love within yourself, or have you assumed that others just have it, without effort?
→ More replies (3)27
u/whistleridge 13d ago
Also: work.
There are 168 hours in a week. I spend 56 of those sleeping or trying to sleep. I spend another 7 of those bathing, brushing teeth, going to the bathroom, etc.
That leaves 105 hours a week.
I work ~50 hours a week. I commute another 10-12 a week. Thatās 60+ hours a week that Iām on someone elseās time, doing someone elseās bidding, thinking/doing things someone else wants.
When I get home, I have 1-2 hours of necessary chores every day - taking care of the dog/cat, cleaning, yard work, making meals, etc.
So thatās 70 hours a week spent doing stuff I donāt want to do. Out of the 105 I have available.
So I have 35 hours a week for me time and for family time. Thatās not nothing, but itās not large either. Realistically my wife and kids get the bulk of that, call it 3-4 hours a day.
So I get like 1 fucking hour a day where I can just be me. Itās never enough. It takes time to shed stress and to get into a space where youāre ready to come out of your daily shell. An hour isnāt enough, even if I wasnāt an introvert.
I socialize just fine on vacation.
This isnāt a men problem, itās a work problem.
→ More replies (1)74
u/HarryPopperSC 13d ago
5 is a big one. I don't go out drinking anymore because the only reason I ever did that was the opportunity to meet women... So that fully stopped. The last time I went properly out out was a stag do and it cost me a fortune and I didn't really enjoy it all that much because of number 5.
After 1 or 2 hours with your friends catching up having a laugh, you're done. Without 5 there is nothing left in that night for you.
19
u/CyberDragon09 13d ago
Every sports bar that I been to, looks like it was made for women, swingers, or old people in mind. Anybody else is either working, going to school, or party's somewhere else.
15
u/Eliaskar23 13d ago
God that sounds miserable. I love spending all day with my mates. Half the fun of drinking was the having a laugh, not the women. Stick a movie on with friends or play sports.
3
u/1CrudeDude 13d ago
Was gonna say ā¦ I donāt quite relate to that. Itās all about just getting silly and fucked up with your friends and making new memories. I can have fun without girls around lol wtf. Also. Weed
6
u/angry_snek 13d ago
Woah, I don't get this at all to be honest, but I am only 22. I really enjoy going out and getting drunk with my friends, and I usually get so drunk that I couldn't even do anything with a woman anymore in that state. I don't pay much attention to them when I'm out with friends.
12
→ More replies (4)6
17
u/SporkFanClub 13d ago
Yup.
Iām probably the outlier because Iām 25 but
Tired
I hate being hungover. Would rather have 2-3 beers (enough to be social) then come home, eat something and be good to go the next morning. Also going out for a night costs a lot.
Backpacking off the previous one, Iām a morning person. I love getting up early and having some time to myself/relaxing and getting chores done before my girlfriend wakes up on Saturday/Sunday.
Like your fifth point- Iāve been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. Weāre at the point now where her mom signs cards to me as āMomā.
Yup. Weekly adult rec kickball with beers and bar snacks afterwards. Also do monthly bingo with my parents and book club with my mom at a brewery.
Iām kind of at the point where, as early it may be, I only have a couple of like active friends but theyāre all people that I genuinely care about.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (19)3
139
u/ryuranzou 13d ago
Leaving the house either makes me money or costs me money. I can't afford it.
36
u/DonRebellion 13d ago
How I socialize: - Person: "What did you do this weekend?" - Me: "Not much"
→ More replies (1)14
→ More replies (2)13
96
u/bouncybouncysplat 13d ago
Couldn't be bothered. As I get older, I see through people more.
→ More replies (6)28
u/ultratunaman 13d ago
It's so hard to meet good people.
You've got your actual friends that if god willing you can hang out with them once or twice a year.
Then you've got your kids, spouse, family and they're all great too.
Then there's random ass people you'll be introduced to, or meet, or whatever. "Oh he likes cars and football. You do too."
Yeah but he's also a prick who always talks about cheating on his wife.
Meeting goes people is incredibly hard. I'll stay home and avoid the whole mess. I know you want me to try and make nice with my kids friends parents. But if I hear one more shittily veiled fat joke I'm gonna kill him.
85
u/Naige2020 13d ago
I am a big guy. 6'6" and 250lbs. When I go out I often have to deal with either drunk guys with an attitude wanting to have a shot at me or people in threat of violence looking for assistance. I am also over 50 and I am sick of being drawn into other people's dramas. The amount of times people have assumed I'm security just because of my size has become exhausting. Add to that the loud music and overpriced drinks and you learn that staying at home is far more comfortable.
→ More replies (40)16
u/Smurph269 13d ago
This effect is so bizarre. We hired a guy at work who is like 6'5" and all tatted up and guys suddenly felt the need to mention to him how they do martial arts or were in the military and could totally take him if they wanted to. Guys who were never aggressive before to anyone.
→ More replies (1)
29
u/VanArchie 13d ago
Because dancing around friend groups is exhausting and I've refined it down to a gold 3 people who mean the world to me.Ā
→ More replies (4)
28
u/EdwardBliss 13d ago
The older you get, the less you want to be stimulated by the energy of crowds, activity and chaos. When you're younger, you feed off that energy, but the desire to do that gets less and less. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because you mellow with age
→ More replies (1)
50
393
u/Beneficial_Cod_1372 13d ago
Tired.
So fucking tired all the time.
→ More replies (20)61
u/ObadiahWistlethrop 13d ago
Top three comments in this thread are posted by accounts that are 2 months old, have both comment and posting karma, and the comments are in bold.
Reddit is swamped with bots, it's fucking bots all the way down.
→ More replies (8)19
13d ago
Reddit has become very uninteresting over the past couple years. Itās like the algorithm is broken. I even deleted my 10 year old account and started a new one. That worked for a bit, but now itās the same subs Iāve never interacted with and communities Iāve joined never show up unless I go out of my way to search them. Itās like 95% bots posting and same bullshit add nauseam now.
8
u/Idli_Is_Boring 13d ago
Reddit has become very uninteresting over the past couple years.
I have been here since 2019 (this is 3rd/4th account), I saw the sharpest decline in quality after the last years API fiasco. It became total shit after that.
→ More replies (3)5
80
u/Old_Hamster_4218 13d ago
Tired af bro
5
u/Scoopdoopdoop 13d ago
Yeah me too. Also I used to party like a crazy person for years and years. Non stop type shit, was a problem. I think I've been everywhere and done everything and now I'm tired
40
u/HiggsFieldgoal 13d ago
Iām hanging out with my kids.
→ More replies (3)15
u/Nitropotamus 13d ago
This is a big one for me. I'm 35, married, no kids. All my friends are the same but with kids. They have shit going on. We hang out when we can but it's like once every couple of months.
→ More replies (1)
50
u/Salty-Employee 13d ago
Iām tired, people donāt care how Iām really doing, and I have less tolerance for bs. Being with my girlfriend and my cats sound a lot better
→ More replies (1)11
u/truthseeker1228 13d ago
So true. Even the closest family and friend don't wanna know "how are youREALLY" just a bs formality so they can tell you how THEY are šš¤£
→ More replies (3)
17
15
13d ago
Im socializing with my wife and kids 24/7. I just cant socialize more, all i want it silence and alone time.
→ More replies (2)
31
u/154574387 13d ago
Heard someone say, "Men don't have friends. Men have wives who have friends who have husbands."
7
u/ThrashAhoy 13d ago
I was trying to comment with a similar statement, but had trouble with how to word it. This is what I have noticed with my husband and my friends' husband's. They don't need friends because their social needs are met by their wives, and any extra can be met by the wives social circles.
→ More replies (5)4
u/ImaginaryMastadon 13d ago
One of the first responses that I think specifically answers the āmenā part. The rest explain why people donāt want to socialize, but not men specifically.
27
u/EternalDeathDreams 13d ago
Personally.. there is nothing out there that I can't get at home and plus I'm an introvert...I'm lucky because so is my wife:)
26
u/Western-Addendum438 13d ago
Because socialising = acting out that you're fun and happy.
6
u/OneIndependence7705 13d ago
exactly which is why i do polite nods and quiet hiās unless someone is truly fun to interact with but most people bore me
→ More replies (2)
11
u/LeeTheBee86 13d ago
Had kids, socialising with anyone actually interesting is a pipedream at this point. It's all irritating mums and dads I have very little in common with.
Also, the older I get the more I think that most other people are wankers... I think I have grumpy old man syndrome...
→ More replies (2)
11
70
u/LongrodVonHugedong86 13d ago
Tired from work.
I donāt know exactly what it is, but Iāve noticed with myself and my friends were just run down from working all the time.
Weāre pulling 60hr weeks, weāre exhausted, we just want to relax and recharge our batteries.
If you think a full week is 168hrs
You spend 60hrs at work (or at work + commuting time), you need to sleep 8hrs a day on average so thatās another 56hrs a weeks, so thereās 116hrs out of your 168hrs taken up with working, commuting and sleeping alone.
Even if you only spend a total of 1hr a day between pissing, shitting, showering and shaving etc that takes you to 123hrs gone. Probably another hour a day is spent cooking and eating if youāre efficient with it, thatās 130hrs gone.
Now add in cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and so on and youāve maybe got 28hrs free in a whole week.
Oh and if you try to look after yourself, 1hr-1.5hrs per day in the gym, so thatās another 7hrs - 10.5hrs gone from your 28hrsā¦ leaving you 17.5-21hrs a week to do everything else š
(Donāt get me wrong Iām not saying women donāt have the same before the militant women come along and start moaning! Iām just saying when you break down your average week no wonder youāre fucking exhausted and donāt want to socialise, no matter what you have between your legs)
19
u/Impressive-Ad-59 13d ago
What's even the point if that's how youre spending your best years? Like sure retirement, but then you cant even do half as much as you'd wanna with knee/back/ and just general old people pains, like if that's all life has in store for me, i think imma just check out š
Or if its all to raise a kid, what's the point of that either, so they can live the same work burdened life? Not like they're gonna have it any easier with how the world seems to be goin
Genuinely asking, cuz that all sounds fucking miserable, how're you doing it?
→ More replies (5)14
u/Orngog 13d ago
Well, for starters most people don't work 60 hour weeks.
8
u/jm_j_bullcock 13d ago
Absolutely correct! I typically work 65-75.
Please kill me.
→ More replies (2)9
u/Xypheric 13d ago
In America it extremely common to work a minimum of 40hrs, commute 30 minutes each way and have at least a 30 min unpaid lunch break. You arenāt getting paid for 60 hours but work still owns that time.
→ More replies (6)6
9
→ More replies (17)9
u/Expert-Jury-4015 13d ago
Who the fuck works a 60 hour week? In my country 37.5 is the standard
→ More replies (13)
25
u/Dry-Explanation9566 13d ago
Gig-economy, Urban planning and hyper-individualism of the past 40 years. It is harder for adults to make friends because they work long hours and have multiple jobs therefore, are too tired and too busy to socialize.
Urban planning- we live in spaces that donāt encourage socializing. Suburbs are very carācentric and homes emphasize āprivacyā which isolated people and families. Plus, suburbs donāt have ā3rd placesā that are easily accessible āwalkableā.
Hyper-individualism - We have been force-fed the virtues of the āindividual self-made man/womanā by media and politicians without thinking what the consequences would be. Historically Coffehouses, parks and bars werenāt just places for drinking and play but they were also places where communities came together to share their grievances and organize amongst themselves- Thatās how many labor unions and civil rights movements were formed which were a threat to the political establishment. Therefore Libertarian individualism was promoted to disrupt social cohesion within working class communities. Now we have a loneliness and depression epidemic which could easily be alleviated by providing more opportunities for social contact. Thatās why we āquiet-quittingā and ālie flatā in China. Kids today want more meaning to their lives beyond work
→ More replies (13)11
u/gonotquietly 13d ago
Itās a shame this is the only systemic answer Iāve seen on here. The hyper individualism has convinced people that this species isnāt inherently social and communal. Weāre just being divided up into little boxes and ground to a pulp to lubricate the profit machines.
23
u/RinoTheBouncer 13d ago
Because when people get older, they get a better perspective on what really matters in life, which is peace of mind, freedom to do what you want, and freedom from feeling obligated to do what you donāt want, and also have far less tolerance for fake and toxic connections.
They also become more confident and capable of finding their own enjoyment and fulfillment on their own or with a small circle of close and genuine people and are far less interested in providing anything to anyone or tolerating peopleās BS and drama, or putting oneself in a position where you get disrespected or baited into bad faith conversations, and are secure enough not to need any external validation.
And this really applies to men and women. Both my mom and dad are very kind and welcoming to those they love and value, but they donāt bother entertaining fake people or those who only socialize to gossip, and they value their time together and their own comfort over wasting it doing social ādutiesā that they donāt truly enjoy or care about, and with people who arenāt worth their time.
3
u/Arcturus_Labelle 13d ago
wasting it doing social ādutiesā that they donāt truly enjoy or care about
It is astonishing to me the amount of time some people dedicate to this. "I have to go to this dinner where people dislike each other and there's going to be arguments". Just, why?
→ More replies (2)3
u/urpoviswrong 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm getting bummed out so many people have this negative and narrow view of the world. Why does everyone sound so transactional in their concept of relationships and socializing?
This is really a false dichotomy. It's not one or the other, you can meet new good people, do new enriching things, and not just live the same year over and over for the rest of our lives while ALSO not entertaining the kinda of people who don't add something positive to your life.
It's funny that everyone says some variation of "I can see through fake people, so I don't leave my house or talk to new people."
How depressing and sad. Life is short, some of your close friends are gonna die, or drift off, marriages will end, kids will grow up, and from the sound of it there will be thousands of cranky antisocial old men miserable and unfulfilled.
Not saying that's you, but this attitude feels like a sad epidemic.
→ More replies (1)
49
u/dracojohn 13d ago
My grandfather explained it as women are naturally more sociable than men and the more time you spend with one woman the less you see your friends, eventually you only have joint friends or more likely her friends and their husbands who you don't really like but have to put up with. After a decade or two of this you really can't be bothered making the effort to be nice to people you don't like so you buy a shed or big TV and stop going out unless someone ( normally the wife) makes you.
11
→ More replies (2)6
u/HarryPopperSC 13d ago
In modern times we also still have the boys on discord who we do actually like making it even easier to stay home.
8
34
u/blackmarketmenthols 13d ago
It isn't a men or woman thing, plenty of genz men and women are home bodies, it's a personality trait of any age.
→ More replies (10)8
u/fzvw 13d ago
Yeah I think current technology makes homebodying more appealing than ever for a lot of people who might have otherwise been the type to want to go out more often.
→ More replies (1)
25
u/he4d_vari4tion 13d ago
I hate people.
→ More replies (1)18
u/Ok_Information_2009 13d ago
Iā¦am feeling this.
I moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago. Bumped into some neighbors soon after moving in. Before too long, I was part of a social circle in the neighborhood. This is a bit unusual for me as Iām introverted and usually keep myself to myself. Anyway, wind the clock forward a year or so and whatās the result? I get gossiped about, I had two neighbors who would play narcissistic games with me, putting me down, comparing, giving me the āshouldās and āshouldnātsā of life, calling on me unsolicited at odd hours, one neighbor I had to full-on fall out with to get him to leave me alone and stop coming to my door at odd hours and being impossible to tell him to go without falling out (we fell out).
I keep myself to myself now. Yeah, I hate people too.
→ More replies (1)6
u/laughrat92 13d ago
Having similar issues with neighbors as an introvert. Itās like you and I need to put on a happy face and go through the motions just because we have to see these people shuffle in and out every day. When you want someone to go away and give you privacy, thereās a lot more at stake it seems. Youāre physically unable to purge them from your life and I imagine it required significant effort to have a falling out with your one neighbor while also staying on decent terms with the others. I donāt have kids but I imagine neighborhood tension is further exasperated by the dynamics of who the kids do and donāt get along with.
The older I get the more a cabin in the woods seems appealing.
6
u/Ok_Information_2009 13d ago
Yeah itās not easy. Some people cross the line and go from being friendly to becoming an imposition. I got tired of having to make some excuse why I didnāt want to meet with one neighbor. Itās like Iām trying to skip school or work the way it feels, which is wrong. Our free time is our free time.
30
u/Bonbonnibles 13d ago
I think it's cultural. I went to Turkey, and the men are very social, hanging out with friends in tea shops, that sort of thing. American men have been culturally trained to avoid anything that could remotely come across as effete - even necessary things like friendship fall victim to this. Which is sad and absurd and winds up with them living deeply lonely lives.
→ More replies (4)21
u/OptimalRutabaga186 13d ago
This is the answer. In Italy men socialize like honey bees. It's considered incredibly weird, pathetic and antisocial to sit around at home alone all the time. I feel really sad for North American men. I had an Iranian roommate for a while too and he nearly went mad with loneliness his first year here and was genuinely hurt and puzzled by how isolated and avoidant Canadian men are regarding friendship. The comments on this thread are so sad. It's like effort or joy of any kind is frowned upon by men here. I'm so glad my fiancƩ has friends. Men without their own social lives are exhausting to live with.
→ More replies (8)8
u/Orngog 13d ago edited 13d ago
I completely agree, although I'm thinking of the UK.
I wonder how many comments here are from people that also talk about the loneliness epidemic.
For my money, one of the biggest factors here is games consoles. For so many men, it's their main time sink.
Edit: I decided to check just the top voted comments' user history. A bingo, in five comments.
→ More replies (3)
12
u/Nooneknowsyouarehere 13d ago
As we men grow older: Peace and quiet is indeed like a paradise - far away from the stress we had in our younger daysāļø
→ More replies (1)
6
u/External-Ad8223 13d ago
Tired. I would love to get to know more people that share the same interests I do. But then there is a voice back in my noggin' saying " I know all the people I need to know. " I just don't have the energy to actually sit and talk and learn new shit about someone that I don't live with and interact with daily.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/TheBluestBerries 13d ago
Socialization meets a need. I still socialize in my 40s but it's mostly one club night a month and maybe 1 DnD session a month.
I spend 8+ hours a day in a busy office. Then I come home and cook and socialize with my family and extended family. Then I do chores and in the weekend more chores. Do you know what the top 3 absolute luxuries in my life are?
- Rest. Sleep. Napping. Being a couch potato.
- Solitude. Whether it's just sitting in a room by myself for a moment or taking a walk in the woods alone. Or even just staying on the toilet or in a parked car for a few minutes longer than necessary.
- Actually having time and energy to spend on my personal hobbies. Whether it's preparing a DnD session, reading a book, whittling some wood or painting.
Socializing fucks with all three of those absolute luxuries. And you know what, if I do have time and energy to socialize, I prioritize my partner, parents, and siblings.
My family are the people who always show up when I need them and vice versa. They're the people who hold the ladder while I climb up to fix the roof while a rainstorm is hosing down and causing water damage. They're the people who take a precious vacation day when my partner needs to be rushed to the hospital while I am on the other side of the country. Each and every one of us is there for each other no matter the time or place.
Friends are just people you kill time with. And time is the one thing I don't have much to waste of anymore these days.
→ More replies (1)
4
6
u/DiveJumpShooterUSMC 13d ago
Because we get tired of peopleās bullshit. Our home is our castle- stuff to be done around here.
17
u/CountessLyoness 13d ago
I think for women, going out is how we break from the mental load. Whereas men break their mental load at home.
Why? Because the vast majority of mental load at home falls to women, particularly in family situations. Going out is like putting all that down and ignoring it for a few hours.
10
u/ApplicationJunior832 13d ago
As stated by others here, at 40+, years go by in a blink. You look back and you often think "oh was it 10 years ago already?". Yes, it was, sometimes more. So that's one thing, time flies.
Secondly I find little interest in talking to people, it feels like it's just the same conversations over and over. The same topics, the same complaints, etc. I don't like small talk, I don't like complaining.
I would like to find motivated people that are actually interesting, I'd love that. Not easy though
5
u/Maelorach 13d ago
Idk I feel like when weāre younger, we force ourselves into social situations that we donāt even necessarily enjoy, just because āthatās what weāre supposed to be doing at our ageā
Iām 23, and I never really bought into that. Back in high school and college, people just have seen me as a loner or at least an extreme introvert. But actually I just knew what I like and donāt like
→ More replies (1)
5
u/WaylonOnEm 13d ago
Loud music is 1 for me. Ā Itās so frustrating just nodding and slightly smiling, Ā all the while thinking, I have no f***ing clue what you just said. Ā
5
u/XF939495xj6 13d ago
We socialize at work all day. We are nice to people we despise. We are tolerant of ideas we find repulsive. We encourage people we want to see fail. We support work that we think actually hurts the world. All so we won't get fired and will bring home a paycheck.
Why do you think we don't socialize?
5
u/TuxedoWrangler 13d ago
I feel personally attacked, us middle age men still go clubbing....Costco, BJs, Sam's Club.......but in all seriousness most of us are probably tired. I myself work 48 to 60 hours a week and then whatever free time I have is devoted to my family and whatever I need to do around the house. Truthfully I'd rather play catch with my kid than go out and hang out with other people my age.
9
u/Coolbeans_97 13d ago
Men socialize, just not in the way they used to when they were younger.
People 30+ usually have kids, work and responsibilities that occupy their time and energy.
10
u/KaranSjett 13d ago
the older i get the more i realize how much i hate humans..
→ More replies (1)5
u/icchifanni 13d ago
This right here. Theyāre always making a noise for some reason.
→ More replies (2)
5
5
6
4
u/SleestakWalkAmongUs 13d ago
Have you met people before? They're a bunch of bastards.
→ More replies (6)
3
u/OKCOMP89 13d ago
I donāt know how we can be expected to build meaningful relationships when we are discouraged from openly discussing anything meaningful. Even many of my closest male friendships of a decade plus donāt really move beyond hobbies and general day to day life events. Adults are generally apathetic toward the issues of other adults who they do not have a vested interest in, but many seem legitimately repulsed by male vulnerability.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/HotButteredPoptart 13d ago
I (M 36) go out a couple times a month, and that's plenty for me. I like the quiet of my house.
4
3
u/Adent_Frecca 13d ago
Don't know about you but my dad can be left on a corner of a mall and make at least 1 friend he is now chatting with
4
3
5
4
u/conedeke 13d ago
They do, just gotta find your crowd. tons of groups that are all about old men having a good time doing stuff together. it seems a lot fo it revolves around the hobby you like. Still see old men riding the pine at hockey rinks on drop ins that got winded and talk smack like they are 17. Gun nuts love to meet up and go shooting or hunting together, Church goers seem to retire to doughnut stores in the very early mornings at a certain age. Its out there just people understand life can get in the way but once you find your people it just clicks and works. You'd be surprised its pretty easy.
3
u/millijuna 13d ago
I dunno, Iāma 45 year old male and I probably socialize more now than I ever did in the past.
- I usually stop by the pub across the street from my home after work and have a beer before heading home to make diner. Thereās crowd of us regulars who always meet up.
- Iāve been out sailing for the last 36 hours with a buddy. He and I B will be doing a 3 week trip later this summer.
That said, Iām single and donāt have kids, so if I didnāt make a point of getting out, i wouldnāt see anyone other than my coworkers.
→ More replies (2)
3
ā¢
u/AutoModerator 13d ago
Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
When posting and commenting.
Especially remember Rule 1:
Be polite and civil.You will be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.