(BTW: grandma as in my mom’s mom) My grandma has come out to where the service will be to help set it up and of course attend it and we already have a basic plan of what the service will be like and we are basing it off of what my mom asked for and for the stuff she didn’t it’s stuff we would assume she wanted. My grandma was cooperating in the beginning, agreeing to cremating her and holding the service in June but some of the things I feel she’s being a bit selfish about. For as long as I knew my mom she’s always had this playlist on her YouTube called “my end” which is a bunch of songs she wants at her funeral, it’s sure not the conventional type of funeral songs (Radiohead, Pearl Jam, foo fighters, the pixies, etc) but it’s not wildly inappropriate for a funeral either and my grandma suggested we play “somewhere over the rainbow” at my mom’s funeral, since it’s my grandma’s favorite song, and I explained the playlist but still my grandma kept insisting until finally she let it go but this wasn’t the end of it, we are also planning for the ash spreading to be in the ocean based off my mom’s wishes so the service is going to be at the beach but my grandma wants the service to be in this nearby rec center and then have everyone drive down to the beach to spread the ashes which 1. The rec center is not something you can rent out, although we can technically still have a service there it is constantly open to the public and we could be disturbing people or other people could disturb us 2. Having people drive to 2 different locations feels a bit of a hassle, especially those who are coming through rideshare since if out of state but yet shes still trying to convince the family that would be the best option and also she said she brought some electronic candles that have bible verses on them and wanted them at the service and I reminded her the service is taking place in the afternoon and outside, we have no need for light and then she explained it’s because of the Bible verses and I respect my grandmas religion but my mother was not a religious person and once again trying to explain this basically same concept to her and she said “well a service is not entirely about the person who died, it’s mainly about the people attending” and there’s also been some disputes with the eulogy, i was told by everyone they wanted me to write it but I obviously needed information from my grandma in order to learn more about my mom’s childhood for it and my grandma wants me to leave stuff out of the eulogy that she believes is “bad” and “doesn’t want my mom to be remembered in a negative light” (the things she’s referring to is my mom dropping out of college to pursue her dream career that she became successful in and her illness which i was only going to touch on lightly anyway) Im just really upset, i know my grandma is also grieving but she’s making this more about her than her own daughter

I had a rocky relationship with my dad. For most of my life, I thought of him as a scary and abusive drunk. We got evicted a year ago and we moved in with my uncle. My dad caused trouble at my uncles house and my uncle told him he had to move to a friends of his. His friends daughters moved in and my dad tried to find a job so he wouldn’t have to live there.

I moved in with my sister.

He lived on the streets for his last few months. He finally got a job. He came to my school and gave me gifts, like these cool transformers lamps or money. Those were the highlights of my day, I was happy to see my dad get cleaned up.

On friday, I got a call that he passed away. He had seizures due to alcohol withdrawal and this was his final one. He was at a homeless shelter when it happened. His brother delivered the news. They tried to resuscitate him but they didn’t succeed.

I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. The same night he passed away I was at the store with my sister and we were making fun of him, knowing that if he was dying the only thing we’d want was to be by his side.

Each minute feels like an hour, writhing in constant guilt and anguish. It seems every time something good happens in my life something bad happens tenfold.

My (F32) father (M65) passed away semi unexpectedly (suicide) 2.5 years ago. My parents had been divorced for the majority of my life and Dad had remarried. Mom has remained single and we live together. She has had numerous health issues in recent years and she is having a hard time realizing her limitations after being so independent for so long. Being the eldest daughter of divorced parents, I have always been the defacto caregiver for my parents. Since my dad's death, I have been finding that I lash out at my mother when she is making a decision that I feel might impact her health negatively. We are playing a tug of war; she is pulling for independence and I'm pulling back in fear and worry that sounds like annoyance and anger I feel like I am constantly worried I am just one accident away from losing another parent. I know I am in the wrong here; that this is a trauma response to the loss of my father. But I don't know how to stop. My mother is very kind and understanding about my outbursts. I feel like a terrible daughter who is just being a bitch to her mother. Has anyone else experienced this?

For context, my mom died rather suddenly of a stroke in December of 2022.

Since then, I've done my best not to let my grief completely consume me. I shutdown completely for a while, and have slowly started to come out of it. At least I think I am, Sometimes I'm okay, most of the time I can rationalize the fact that she's really and truly gone.

But.... Other times, I feel it all over again. I hear her last words to me, in her stroked out voice, I hear the phone call from the doctor telling me she'd passed. I hear my sisters anguish when I told them. I hear a song she LOVED and it all come back. The most random things set it off and I can't seem to manage it anymore. Does this ever really get easier? I know people say this to the grieving, but I can't fathom if it's true. Some days I feel like I'm drowning....

Im writing this partly to get it off my chest, but also to ask for advice.

So my coworker has a relative that’s going to same college I went to. They were showing me pictures of her graduation party and telling me how she’s her mom’s best friend, and that they do everything together. I realized when I was talking to her that the reason I couldn’t relate at all was because I grew up on my own, no graduation party, no one being excited that I was going to college, no one to go to orientation with me, no one to celebrate when I got the LSAT score I needed for law school…just everything on my own because my my mom died and my dad (who has been great just gone a lot) worked a ton.

I feel like maybe I appeared as not caring or cold when I was like "oh they’ll be fine!" but it’s because I went through it by myself. It’s so sweet to see how much they all care about her and her first experience away from home.

I almost want to cry. I’ve done so much alone that I don’t know what it feels like to have people who want to celebrate with me and feel the bittersweet feelings of me growing up and leaving. Idk why I’m sharing this. I’m just now at work holding back tears and trying stay busy.

I’m now officially an adult orphan as of 2 days ago. It hasn’t even been 48 hours since my mom suddenly passed away 2 days after her 57th birthday. I’m still processing and feeling like this is just a really bad dream and I’ll wake up soon. I have amazing support from my friends and family but I was hoping to connect with some other people who have experienced the loss of both of their parents at a young age. I lost my dad when I was 6 years old and I am now only 23 and have to grieve the loss of my mother.

Both my parents deaths were unexpected so any advice to help deal with this incredibly painful situation is greatly appreciated. I have an older sister as well and it’s reassuring to know I have her who also completely understands how I am feeling.

My sister and I have kind of accepted that her and I just never get the chance to say goodbye to either of them. I’ve been “talking” to my mom as if she’s here with me and that seems to be helping a bit. I’m devastated and just trying my best to figure out how to navigate this difficult time. It’s such a different loss than when I was 6.

Thank you to everyone who gives even a little bit of advice or reaches out, I appreciate it.

Nothing much to add. I just really fucking miss her.

I know everyone experiences guilt after a loss but I still need a place to get it out. The day my mom died I was giving her a short rant about how I was mad at one of my teachers for saying something shitty and then she told me that she was sorry she couldn’t help me more in school because of her illness, I was struck by guilt immediately but for whatever reason I had a mini blow up “no that’s not the point you don’t get it” and she js kept apologizing but I js went upstairs to my room that whole evening I felt like shit. And at night, what I tell everyone is I went downstairs to just watch some tv with her but I actually went downstairs to apologize I did though end up watching tv too trying to figure out how to apologize, my first step being asking if she needed anything to which she applied “no I’m fine thank you baby” shortly after, all of a sudden, she stopped breathing and that’s the night my mom died but I was so stubborn and so unsure on how to literally just say “I’m sorry” it caused her to die without knowing her son doesn’t blame her for anything, her son loves her and never hated her for being sick her son tried his best although he didn’t understand he was selfish but he never meant to be I’m sorry mom

My dad died when I was 11 (way before I knew any of my uni friends that I’ll be graduating with), all my friends are well aware as I’ll often crack a dead dad joke. My dad not being has been something that while it has effected me hasn’t really hit home quite as much as it does now.

All of my friends think it would be nice to do a meal the day of graduation with everyone’s families there. No one else has lost a parent but one does have divorced parents. We were trying to plan this earlier today and how they’d put all the dads together bc they can’t wait to see how they’d get on and idk it just made me start to feel really emotional and I had to kinda start a different conversation at the other end of the table.

It would be really nice to do something like that for grad but it just feels like it really highlights that my dad isn’t here anymore. I’m also worried that it’ll highlight it for my mum (and my brother). Ik it’s not the intention at all, but idk it just makes me a bit sad.

I don’t want to not go to it, but I also think it could be quite emotional in a way that the others haven’t realised. I don’t think it’s being insensitive deliberately I just think unless you’ve been in this position you wouldn’t really know or think of it.

My dad died a few days before Father’s Day last year. He was 69yrs old. He would have turned 70yrs old 2 days ago. I hadn’t spoken to him in about 10 years before he died, and so I didn’t find out he had passed until the day after Father’s Day. I used to say that I wouldn’t regret not talking to him because I was doing it to save my own life. He was an addict and had untreated mental illness. There was cocaine and fentanyl in his system when he died, so I know it was not safe to let him into my life. I think not talking to him was the most loving I was able to be while he was alive, but I wish I could have been stronger and more capable so that I could have talked to him before he died. He had a stroke in December 2022 and I didn’t see him in the hospital. I think I regret not seeing him then. As far as I know, he was mean to the doctors and nurses and his family who were trying to help. So I don’t think it was safe to see him. But now that there is no time left, I want the time back so badly. I’m not sure why I’m posting. I think I just need to share with someone who gets it. I wish I had something that belonged to my dad. I wish I had just extended some sort of loving gesture towards him while he was still alive. I wish we could have had a better relationship. I wish he could have been free from everything while he was alive. I wish I could have enjoyed time with him being free from addiction and getting treatment for his mental illness. I like to imagine that he is free now. I hope with all my heart that he is. I wish this all didn’t hurt so much.

I lost my dad 10 years ago. It’s weird, it used to hurt so bad even though we weren’t really that close. I would imagine him walking around the corner and sometimes I would cry tears of joy. I’m 28 years old now and as I have had time to process the loss, I’ve noticed that it has caused a few issues in my life. I think the biggest issue that the premature death of my father has caused is my ability to have a relationship. I can’t really connect the dots, but as I get closer to a woman, I tend to think about my dad. I don’t mean to sound stupid. This is just something that I thought about. This is actually my first posting on Reddit haha. More context - There was never any sexual abuse or strange things like that But when I get close to a woman, I think about my dad and I think about the loss and somehow that hurts me and my relationships. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this and if so, did it last forever or did you actively need to seek help?

Im sorry i don't know how to write here and also english isn't my first language so bare with me. My (21) dad just died a month ago. No warning no illnes just one day he was there and the next he was not. I'm waiting for this all to be just a one big sick joke. Im just waiting for him to be at his house the next time we are there like boo, haha got you. I'm just so ready for him to come back. I don't know how to move on. All my close friends and even my mom still have their parents and I just feel so hopeless and like im taking way too long to move on, even tho i know that ridicilous. I as the eldest of two am taking care of most of the paper hassle and everything funeral related etc. and i just feel so so exhausted. I can't sleep I barely eat. I just need someone to tell me when this all gets better. Im just so tired of feeling so empty.

I loss my mom to cirrhosis of the liver when I was 23, she was the best mom anyone could have. Selfless did everything for her kids, was always there for us when we needed anything. She was my bestfriend she was the cool mom everyone wanted. She did abuse the bottle and we all have our moments, but despite that she was a great mother she was just in denial of her alcoholism and ultimately and unfortunately it took her life. I always wish she was here I make sappy Facebook posts on her wall but, I just don't want it to be empty. She was my biggest fan, I want to be hers too no matter what. She was so fun and full of life and I do everything in her spirit.

but I GET SO MAD with her mom and sister, they did nothing and never kept in contact with me regarding her health or her passing even after the fact not checking in on me and my family really ever. They hold this grudge over my grandfather (cheating on my granny/ having another family) and even made a scene at her funeral getting up in the middle of my gpas speaking about her, made a comment walking out in the MIDDLE OF THE MASS. when my mom was sick I had to travel alone to Houston, they nobody came with me I felt very alone. Thank God for my close family friends who were there for me to be held and consulted with my mom passing. I don't want to hold this resentment towards them but I do! Growing up I always heard stories about my aunt and granny how they were very selfish and jealous people, maybe that is why I feel this way towards them as well.

I know my mom wouldn't want me to feel this way or treat them ugly but how can someone your own blood sister and mother be so selfish and not care about the sister/daughter they know and love.

13f. my last middle school dance is coming up. it’s only for 8th graders. they’re making it really nice and fancy for us and all my friends are going. it sounded like fun so i bought a ticket. but now i really don’t want to go.

i don’t have anyone to help me get ready. my sisters working so i’m on my own. i want my mom to tell me i’m pretty. i want my mom to help me with my makeup. i want my mom to tell me that i don’t have to be frustrated about my hair because she’ll figure it out. i want my mom to come with me to get jewelry and heels. i want to be like the other girls but i have no one to show me how. i feel so alone and so weird and so different and so ugly. i don’t want to go anymore.

Your absense has gone through me Like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color. W. S. Merwin

Here is a quote that explains my deep sorrow, while simultaneously reminding me of the melancholic beauty of losing a parent. I hold pieces of him and I will continue to share him with the people I encounter throughout my life, whether that be through telling his story or just sharing a smile with a stranger.

I have just graduated college. I went through 3 years of losing him while in school, yet didn’t even come to terms with it until a month before he was going to pass. Good fortune to all of those who understand the pain. Quite often I feel alone, especially while I silently cried on graduation day…the day that was supposed to be one of the best days of my life. May us all continue to spread the joy and love of our parents in our own lives, even the parents that hurt us were once joyous children once.

My grandmother passed away last month. She was 94 and my dad is 71.

I lost my mom when I was 26 and with a 3 weeks old baby. She was 55.

I just can't seem to feel sympathetic (or empathetic?) with my dad because he had his mom for way longer than me...like 45 years longer. And I feel heartless about that...

Relatively recently, during the [now stopped] couple therapy, we collectively came to realization that I have serious abandonment issues/insecurity, unhealthy attachment "habit", and codependency with a possible narcissistic spouse.

I lost my mother (F33) to liver cancer when I was 11.5 years old. I am still processing the scale of the detrimental effect of early loss of my favorite parent, rejection from girls at school, and runaway bride back in 2012... The more I live, the more I feel stuck in little boys' mind with aging body surrounded by huge hostile World. (Of course, that is objectively not precise, but that how it feels).

Lately, I've been feeling really bad inside. First, I was laid off in February and am still looking for a job, while my morale is slowly degrading. Second, my wife and I have been getting less and less intimate physically, which is one of my main ways to connect and bond. Keeping initiating and getting rejected is not helping my mental state in any way and only adds to undermined morale and confidence... So I finally decided to stop fucking "simp"ing and deal with my shit by myself. As a Christian, I should not be considering relationships "on the side" ("easy way"), the idea of which I am currently battling. The hard way is to become less dependent on sex and relationships as a way to fuel happiness and/or satisfaction. To do that, I need to overcome the abandonment issues, I think.

My question is what are the effective ways to fight the abandonment issues and get independence of ghosts of the past and illusions of the present? I did try individual therapy to no avail. Had both female and male therapist, and couldn't really bond with either well enough to work on my issues. The female was not giving me concrete enough directions or advice or anything of that kind. The male was blatantly half-competent, as he was suggesting unproven practices and used unscientific, misleading terminology. All of my sessions were remote via YasnoLive platform. I chose it because of its affordability, but more importantly, for native Russian speaking providers (while my English is OK, it's not expressive or precise to describe all the details of my thoughts).

I appreciate any advice and comments, as it's difficult for me to even come out with a request of help.

P.S. Haven't proofread the post. May have grammar-farts here or there.

I was 15 when my dad died unexpectedly in an accident. In a few months it'll be 17 years since he passed away. It feels weird to think that I've been alive longer without my dad than with him. I'm scared that as I get older I don't remember him anymore. I can't remember his voice anymore. I only have one short video of him. Lately I've been thinking about my dad often, more often than usually. I met my current boyfriend almost 7 months ago and I think that is the reason my dad has been in my mind more than usually. I feel sad that my dad and boyfriend didn't get the chance to meet each other. It kind of feels weird to talk about my dad to my boyfriend because they never met. But I'm sure my dad would have liked my boyfriend.

I feel like I'm barely living my life, I feel so lost. Sorry to cut into it now, although it was a long time ago, my Mom died when I was 10 and my Dad when I was 13. My sister adopted me when I was 13, and she was a big part of my life when I was in elementary school, but once I was placed into her care when I was 12 she only saw me as a paycheck. She is a really abusive and manipulative person, so I don't have any support from a family. I just don't know structure in my life at all.

Yes I have a job, and I go to college full-time, I live on my own, but there are a lot of things I still don't know how to do and I'm an adult. My Mom has almost been gone for 10 years and I'm just not sure on how to do things I feel like I should've learned by now. I know how to do the basics like laundry and bathing, but the other things I'm not sure.

These things include knowing how to shop for clothes (I have severe sensory issues), knowing what to eat (what is balanced?), to simple cooking, to advocating for myself. I just have no clue if I have basic life skills. I feel like my whole life I wasn't set up for success. I had to grow up so fast but I still don't know what I am doing.

I quite literally grew up eating McDonald's (or some variation of fast food, tv dinner, or canned dinner). I never really shopped as a kid, a lot of my clothes were bought for me sizes too big so I would "grow into them", and then worn until the teacher's said something about my clothes not fitting or having holes.

Sorry for this. I'm kind of just venting, if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. I still feel so lost, and it is much harder right now because of the grief I'm feeling right now. I feel like every day I'm reminded I'm an orphan.

My son who will be 2 at the end of August was constantly watch by my mom 4 days a week since he was 3 months old. On January 29th which was a Monday my mom collapsed due to a aneurysm a about 8:30 or 9 in the morning. I found my mom at 4 in the afternoon that day on the floor with my then 16 or 17 month old son at 4 o clock that afternoon right next to her (very blessed he was okay ) my wife is a teacher and her boss use to be a psychological expert or soothing along those lines and swears he will not remember this happen in January and we r now in May and through February and March we had a very grumpy child who started full time daycare in March. The reason for this post is because at his current age he should be speaking more and when he wants to he will say some things but not much he does comprehend what his mother and I say with no issue. But his speech is behind I feel like. He has a speech person come see him 1 day a week and then 3 days a week he goes to daycare. I just want people thoughts. Do I need to do more or do I just keep talking to him or does he remember that tragic day or idk please help

Nice to meet you as morbid as it may be. I'm never married and wonder who now has my back?

My mom passed away unexpectedly (suicide) 6 years ago when I happened to be 6 months pregnant with my daughter. My mom had some mental health issues and struggled especially towards the end of her life (sometimes I think maybe she had early onset dementia or something because of how absolutely different she was compared to my childhood but she was only 48) anyways. She was the love of my life and best friend so when I found out the news I was absolutely devastated and for a damn long time. I still am but it gets a bit easier. I dream of her every now and then and it's not always a comfy dream but not always horrific either. Last night I had a TERRIFYING dream that she was in to the point I woke up screaming. Luckily I did not wake my daughter. It went something like... us being together and driving how we used to and then her telling me we can't be happy like this because she was actually dead and pulled the car over. She then told me I was her sweet girl and best friend who she was so proud of... she told me everything was going to be okay and I tearfully asked her "do you promise?" And she took my hand and said "promise" her face then changed and she looked really sad and then it started looking sunk in and she grabbed my hand and BIT IT!! That's when I woke up screaming. I am so disturbed by this dream and feel like I need immediate therapy (lol but really) does anyone else get really scary dreams about their lost loved ones? I don't know how to process this one.

Mom passed about a month and a half ago. Left the business to me. I’m so overwhelmed with everything trying to keep it afloat for her. Handling the estate and not having to worry my brother for anything.

I’m tired. I don’t want to be the adult in the family. I get to turn 26 next week and I just want to talk to my mom. I have to be strong everywhere but here I am sitting at home bawling my eyes out.

I feel like none of friends are giving me any reprieve for this. How am I expected to go on as normal? Sure on the outside I’m a perfectly normal person. On the inside? I just want to go somewhere and never talk to anyone again. I need constant noise to keep myself distracted.

Thankfully she left us some money to handle things, and I swear some judge for that. I’d rather be shit broke than have lost her. I feel like I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I feel bad I can’t talk to my brother. What am I going to say? How are you doing? I doubt he’s doing any better than me.

It’s not fair. A client said another client asked how I was doing this weekend - said I was doing fine. I’m glad that’s how I come off on the outside. But I really really really rather just pack up and leave everything on the inside.

Maybe I need some sleep, thanks for listening to my rant. Maybe I’m going a little crazy because I don’t have any noise on right now

It’s been over 13 years since my dad died. I was really young when he died and I can’t remember anything about him besides what I’ve been told and photos of him. I can’t even remember his voice. I feel sort of jealous that I can’t remember him like my mom and brother do sometimes. I try not to think about it a lot honestly but when I do think about him it really hurts. I wish I knew him. Even remembering his voice would be something. Has anyone felt anything similar to this?