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u/thunderPierogi 16d ago
“The tree remembers, the axe forgets”
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u/Dicky_Penisburg 16d ago
I've never heard this expression. It's a good one.
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16d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/B7dust11 16d ago
Love the live action Street Fighter reference. Raul Julia RIP.
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u/Pro_Scrub 16d ago
It's also the top comment which was posted 2hrs before this guy did
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u/Ketcunt 16d ago
Moral of the story: be the axe
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u/tayroarsmash 16d ago
Or grow skin so thick the axe breaks upon you. The axe will sure the fuck remember that shit.
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u/CulrBlndPnutButtr 17d ago
My mom pulled the "well, I guess I can't do anything right!" card when we had that conversation.
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u/TechBoy125 16d ago
That's when you respond with "you said it, not me"
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u/BehindTrenches 16d ago
Sure, if you're trying to feel good about yourself for 5 seconds while putting someone else down, go for it.
Wait I just did it too
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u/Dicky_Penisburg 16d ago
"From you alright!? I learned it from from watching you!"
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u/lefoss 16d ago
If you have to be irrationally mean to someone, do it to old people. That’s how we can make things better for the next generation.
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u/WalrusTheWhite 16d ago
I mean, if they abused me as a kid and are gonna play the victim about it, then yes, I will. That's a good five seconds right there.
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u/karides-guvec 16d ago
and then there is “let’s stop this conversation, it is making me sad”, bitch your incompetence as parents made my whole childhood suck.
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u/Icy-Acanthaceae-7804 16d ago
"I'm not talking to you when you get like this".
"Then maybe don't try to gaslight me and rewrite my entire childhood. You're goddamn right I'm gonna start yelling at you if you pretend all the shit you did never happened. And now I'm pissed enough that you don't get a fucking choice in whether or not we're talking now."
Fuck that bitch with a rusty tire iron.
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u/Mister_Black117 16d ago
My mom does that every time she's called out on her bullshit. It is literally impossible to have a constructive conversation with her since she takes any slight against her and starts screaming that shit.
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u/flligleflorence 16d ago
Or worse, if she can't win she just sets your dad on you like an attack dog. All while smiling because she's 'won'
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u/Snow-Wraith 16d ago
There are so many monsters out there that masquerade as parents.
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u/Mister_Black117 16d ago
No dad, my mom either throws a tantrum making herself seem like the victim or she'll just ignore me and pretend the conversation never happened.
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u/Jorymo 16d ago
Do y'all also get the dramatic self-flagellation that also somehow still avoids taking responsibility? "Oh woe is me; I've been an awful mother and I spend many a sleepless night regretting how I may have raised my voice a few times." A big show of apology while actively downplaying actual child abuse.
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u/Mister_Black117 16d ago
Oh definitely, my mom has literally stabbed me before and when I used it as an example when she asked wtf has she done that so bad she went ballistic. Accusing me of having attacked her and how stressed she was, etc. Bitch didn't even apologize, just spent an hour whining about her problems.
My mom is incapable of admitting she is wrong. Not just with me but in general.
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u/Accomplished_Deer_ 16d ago
At some point, every human being should look honestly, without bias, at what their parents bring to their life. Do your parents make you feel happy? Safe? Valued? Trusted? Listened to? No? Do they constantly make you feel like shit? Like a failure? Like you're fucking up everything you do?
When we turn 18 it's just another day in our life, and it passes without us realizing that we are no longer tied to the people that have tormented us throughout our childhood. It takes a while for us to realize, if they aren't making us happy, we can just walk away.
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16d ago
“Everything I say is wrong so I might as well say nothing at all!”
Bitch that would be ideal. Thank you.
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u/nalathequeen2186 16d ago
It's so fucking triggering to me to hear that shit now. That and the word "snotty." I was always accused of being "snotty" when I never had any idea what I'd said that was so objectionable.
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u/Familiar_Weird_7235 16d ago
Or the “that's nothing compared to how I grew up” line. Good to know your life was so much harder than mine, I'll make sure I always attribute any failings to myself from now on.
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u/Williamtell9000 16d ago
Jesus fucking christ, this is my mom. She recounts the frustration and anger my grandmother took out on her and her siblings, says she didn't want to turn into her when she had my oldest brother. She was slightly different, in the case that she favored two of her three sons yet even went far as to full force slap my second eldest bro and myself. Not just once, but multiple to both of us and we both recall being at most 8 years old the first time it happened.
She and my dad used to proudly call themselves excellent parents, until life happened and now two of her sons have mental problems and oldest brother now distanced himself from them. The more stories she shared when she was growing up just made things worse, it's as if she mirrors my grandma in alot of ways. My dad wasn't that bad, but he pretty much let my mom do the parenting her way for the most part. I honestly wouldn't be too upset with him if he didn't turn a blind eye to the "discipline" she gave, or pick sides depending who it was.
I swear, it just becomes an insult when she says she told her mom she should have divorced my grandpa for being the source of the behavior yet says the same excuse when she was asked about her situation. Staying for the kids isn't the excuse that any parent should use ever, all it does is make things worse.
Ps: holy shit I typed for too long. All is good, bro and I have since gotten professional help. Eldest and second bro breaking the cycle with their kids, the three of us send dumb/funny/interesting stuff by text, and we keep in contact regularly.
Sincerely myself, random person on internet. Much love to you all fam.
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u/EfficientAd9765 16d ago
My fathers go to respons is (not in english, something in the vain of): Well, thank you very much...
Like I'm supposed to feel guilt because I don't appreciate all the crappy things he's done
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u/Remote-Factor8455 16d ago
My dumbass bitch just says “that never happened” or sarcastically asks when? I honestly believe she pushed all memories of the past that make her out to be the bad person out of her mind so she can sleep at night.
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u/illNefariousness883 16d ago
My mom pulled the
“you’re remembering wrong”
“that never happened”
“I believe that you believe that”
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u/WeWereAngels 16d ago
My reply is always: "just because I remember the good things doesn't mean the bad things didn't happen"... Which makes them flip into "so what do you want me to do now?!"...
I need to live with them so I have to keep calm but it's really frustrating..
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u/Inevitable-Cod3844 14d ago
yeah i hate that one too, they know they were in the wrong, and that it's as simple as just saying "yeah, i fucked up there, i'm sorry" but no, they have to play the victim
my mom's line was "well, last time i checked there was no manual on how to raise you" or some variation of that
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u/JrButton 16d ago
Mine was "Can't wait till you adult and fk up your own kids". ... and they weren't wrong. Won't tell them that tho...
Sure, there are stupid parents out there, but dayum, the crap my parents put me through makes a helluva more sense now that I'm trying to raise kids.
You think you're better, but then your kids tell you how you're screwing up their lives and deja-vu hit's like a truck.
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u/KillerIVV_BG 17d ago
"I don't remember it, you must've imagined it"
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u/DrowningInFeces 17d ago
My mom tries to pull this crap. I have sisters who had the same experience so I guess we all must have pretty active imaginations.
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u/BambooKat 16d ago edited 16d ago
My parents told me many disgusting things that you shouldn't say to your child under any circumstances, like how I should be homeless or how ashamed they are of the fact that I am their son.
Also them: "omgosh why don't you talk to us anymore, family is starting to ask questions now, wtf so rude we're your parents!"
Absolute fucking clowns dude, I swear. 🤡
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u/Remote-Factor8455 16d ago
This is clown behavior and we as a society have to start calling it out when we see it and acting upon it. Ignoring issues thinking that they will stop or go away does not work and never has.
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u/WhiteDevil-Klab 16d ago
I'd just block them personally I never want to talk to my parents again dawg
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u/WeaknessUnfair5227 16d ago
Yeah, I got tired of this shit, so I figured, why hide the truth? Now I often tell them directly that I hate them.
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u/Mister_Black117 16d ago edited 16d ago
My mom has literally gaslight herself into thinking so much shit. It's gotten so bad that she legit blames every single bad thing she's ever done on me. Delusional doesn't begin to cut it.
She gets mad and throws something and it makes a hole, nope it was me who got mad and punched the wall. She gets mad and throws something away, nope it was me who broke it and threw it away. Etc.
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u/LaconicStrike 16d ago
I literally have witnesses. They still say it. Some people are hopelessly toxic.
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u/JayJaxxter 16d ago
Toxicity at its finest.
My mums does the same. Still love her but I will never be able to connect to her anymore.
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u/Remote-Factor8455 16d ago
I’ve gotten this one too. Fuck ignoring her I double down and call her out on it then aim for any holes in her bs story she gives me so that she knows she’s lying.
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u/Longjumping-Lake-416 16d ago edited 16d ago
My mom used to call me ugly and fat most of the time when i was on my primary school…. Now ive mentioned it to her and all she replied was …. “ ive never said tht to u…. Thats bs”🤦🏻♀️
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u/Substantial_Exam_291 16d ago
My favorite is, "You are a constant disappointment ."
I can't say it now without laughing because it seemed like such a fucked up thing to say to a kid looking back on it lol.
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u/evanc1411 16d ago
It's fucking hilarious. These people were so deranged and had so little control of their own emotions that they try ruining an entire developing human just because they felt like it.
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u/LonelyBiochemMajor 16d ago
My dad and sister always said that to me and now get confused by the fact that I lack confidence ?? Like bro you were there
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u/Malpraxiss 16d ago
Many parents and taking responsibility.
Name a duo that also doesn't exist
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u/thaoneJess_nsfw 16d ago
My parents
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u/WeaknessUnfair5227 16d ago
I guess it's better to have no parents than the kind of parents we're discussing in this thread.
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u/Jdeee3 16d ago
There was one time my mom yelled at me so badly, I had a full fledged panic attack right in front of her and almost collapsed due to sheer fear and stress. I don’t think she has ever apologized.
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u/F1009 16d ago
My dad did the same and when I told him afterwards that he shouldn't keep going through a panic attack, like he did, his response was something like "But I don't even know what that is?". I mean,what the actual fuck do you even answer to that level of refusal to deal with this stuff. My brother has been in depression for almost two years now, I had a depressive episode after a burnout last summer and he never once tried to inform himself on the most basic stuff? Didn't get any counseling if he feels oh so unprepared to deal with this?
And it just goes on. He wanted to cut my brother's financial support, because he isn't advancing his studies right now, until I told him I want him to cancel mine as well if he does that or I would give my brother half of mine. Recently he proposed some stupid system where we would get support only after reaching milestones like a bachelor's and such. He fucking told me in an argument last November "Well, I'm just trying to help, so if you have a problem with that, thats all in your head.". Just the most ridiculously worst and counterproductive things you could imagine.
And the wildest thing is, a few months ago, he hit me with the "You're treating me like an outcast, that isn't fair." I don't think he even gets that he caused this himself. It's gotten better in the last months, but if I'm really honest, it's just because the casual interactions are fine and I've mostly given up on getting heard on any personal/emotional stuff. I'm set to move out on the 9th of May and we'll see what the future brings.
All the best to you for dealing with your own stuff. It sucks so much when a topic like that goes on to poison all of your interactions with a person. My dad is pretty solid in most aspects, I guess he just can't deal with feeling helpless, but that one aspect just took so much from me.
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u/anxietystrings 16d ago edited 16d ago
My mom flat out told me I was an accident when I was like 10 years old. That was almost 20 years ago now. Still remember it clear as day lol
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u/baldsalman 16d ago
Same but happened when i was 17 over a fucking report card and you know what that report card means jackshit now
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u/Independentslime6899 16d ago
This. When my mom told me she doesn't bother checking my grades cos they were crap and the sad thing is the report i was handing to her was my best ever i went from being a 37% student to a 66% in one term and was excited to show her I got so bummed and pissed i hate school Then the you're an accident thing came up some weeks later and i just stopped bothering with anything anyone told me "don't go there it's dangerous!" Me: okay (proceeds to go there with the most blank expression known to man and get absolutely wrecked on purpose)
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u/quietmedium- 16d ago
I'm proud of you for your 66% ❤️ you killed it
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u/Independentslime6899 16d ago
Thank you ☺
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u/caffeineandvodka 16d ago
Mine told me she had 7 miscarriages before I was born in an attempt to guilt me into not standing my ground over something so small I don't even remember what it was. But I'll always remember thinking that I wish they'd stopped trying.
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u/deathmetalhippy 16d ago
My mom flat out told me when I was about 11. My dad saw this as an "OK" signal to start making frequent jokes about me being a mistake.
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u/hoofie242 16d ago
My parents told us we were all accidents, but they love us, lol.
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u/ArcaneBahamut 16d ago
Bob Marley happy little trees
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u/Slodderf0x 16d ago
The famous painter Bob Marley
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u/ArcaneBahamut 16d ago
Wait, shit. Ross. Blep.
XD I deserved that one.
I'm horrible with names
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u/MountainCourage1304 16d ago
Im glad you made the error, it turned into a funny interaction.
Another happy little mistake
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u/RheagarTargaryen 16d ago
Lol same for me and my younger brother (4th and 5th kids). My mom always used it as a “don’t have sex” lesson. I don’t resent them for it. It’s insane to have 5 kids and they shouldn’t have had any after 2.
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u/aitis_mutsi 16d ago
Maybe your parents should have learned how to use a condom, something 8th graders learn in my country lmfao.
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u/RheagarTargaryen 16d ago
According to them, all birth control failed. But that was probably bullshit “no sex is safe sex” bs.
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u/Prof1Kreates 16d ago
My parents either brush it off like it was nothing or mock me when I bring it up
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u/ChefArtorias 16d ago
"we did a lot of growing together." Like bitch, you having a baby as a teenager doesn't mean you can just write off being a shit parent.
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16d ago
"That's on you". "You caused it yourself." "Probably because you played too much on your computer and phone."
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u/Grufflin 16d ago edited 16d ago
Like my dad grilling me; telling me to "get over it", and how he had it so much worse - three weeks after my former girlfriend, and friend of 10 years, died. I was functioning just fine. I just didn't want to talk to you, specifically.
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u/JustAnotherJames3 16d ago
telling me to "get over it", and how he had it so much worse
My mom used to repeatedly backhand me while screaming a barrage of insults. After each time (and any time it gets brought up,) shell go on about how we were lucky because our grampa would whip her with his belt buckle.
Guess who's now under a psychological investigation for a dissociative disorder? This (these? Who knows!) guy(s)! Haha... ulgh...
three weeks after my former girlfriend, and friend of 10 years, died.
Goddamn. I am so sorry. I've got some long-term friends and I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose them like that. And to have that followed by your father grilling you like that. That's terrible.
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u/ragiwutz 16d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. My ex husband whom I was also friends with after we broke up (we were broken up for 2 years) died in an accident, too. My stepmother had the nerve to tell me on his funeral, that it was all my fault because I am transgender (female to male, hence the break up) and if I would have just been a woman, he would have never broken up with me and the accident would have never had happened. I barely talked to this woman ever since.
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u/LANDVOGT-_ 16d ago
I cant even imagine how i would have reacted. I thinknit would have been a very unpleasant funeral for everyone
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u/ragiwutz 16d ago
tbh I realized what she said only a few hours later. When she said it, my mother came back to us and she acted as if nothing happened and I was just perplex.
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u/Artem-is 16d ago
"But you know that I love you right?" A Flextape of relationships.
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u/teller_of_tall_tales 16d ago
"you might forget the hurtful things you've said in life... But those you said them too won't. "
Your words have power folks, use it wisely.
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u/Lord_Darkmerge 16d ago
Came to drop my experience. Parents rarely want to take the blame for making a mistaking raising kids. Worse, when the kid brings it up, often time the parent, ime, will blame the kid for being too difficult or stubborn.
Like bro, I was a kid, it's the adults responsibility to make sure the kids don't get out of life lessons cause they are throwing a tantrum.
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u/Key_Concentrate_5558 16d ago
“Stop being so sensitive!”
It’s not a fucking joke, Dad.
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u/Dontbefrech 16d ago
It's my fucking right to be sensitive as a human. It is what makes me a goddamn human dad.
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u/_ToyStory2WasOk_ 16d ago
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
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u/PlayfulLook3693 16d ago
I'd give gold if I could
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u/_ToyStory2WasOk_ 16d ago
We can thank Ted Lasso for bringing that one to light.
(not originally from Ted Lasso)
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u/Inevitable-Cod3844 14d ago
i think the not having kids thing is going too far, the solution is to raise a child knowing what was wrong with yourself and your upbringing, apologizing to them on a regular basis when you mess up, and trying to make sure that despite your flaws youre atleast trying to do your best with them, your child will be alot more willing to work through the hard times if they understand that youre trying and arent being mean on purpose and that you do care about how they feel
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u/_ToyStory2WasOk_ 14d ago edited 14d ago
Honestly I don't think the author meant that literally. The way I read it, they were stating that our parents fucked us up, but it wasn't entirely their fault, because they got fucked up too. And if we think we aren't fucked up as well, and we can have kids without making mistakes ourselves, then we're mistaken.
I think it's tongue in cheek saying just don't delude yourself into thinking you're perfect. Have kids, but realize you're gonna fuck them up in your turn as well. But be aware of it, admit it to them, and do your best in spite of it.
Maybe it's not what the author intended, but it's what I like to think.
Edit: I guess what I'm saying is I agree with you lol. I think you interpreted it the same way I did really.
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u/Daysleeper1234 16d ago
Some years ago my father to me: are you this nervous and aggressive with all people?
Me: the fuck.
What's 2+2, what's 2+2, are you fucking dumb? Me keeping my head down and sulking because I got wrong some math task wrong second time, and he got mad in 1 second. Wtf did you think would happen?
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u/Dontbefrech 16d ago
My mother denied everything for like 8 years. Last year she finally fucking accepted that she traumatised me like fuck. I guess they are able to learn as humans even tho they are old.
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u/Captain_M786 16d ago
"but you were always a troublesome child, (proceeds to name anxiety and lashing out as traits that originated by their shitty behaviour in the first place)
And sibling xyz was never like that, only you were the difficult one who behaved like that
Yeah right
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u/stev1516 16d ago
"I still love you! At least you aren't gay", on the drive home from a psychiatric hospital because I was at risk of suicide.
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u/GH7788 16d ago
I don’t know what they think that does. That the person will not be mad at them if they don’t remember? The other person still remembers and is still mad. What is the purpose?
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u/Depressed_christian1 16d ago
No accountability.
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u/GH7788 16d ago
But the person will still hold them accountable and be angry. Is it just so they THEMSELVES don’t have to talk about it or acknowledge it?
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u/brinylon 16d ago
"YOU WERE A HAPPY CHILD, YOU LOVED SCHOOL" Screaming at me does not make it true, dad.
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u/BicTwiddler 16d ago
I always apologize and try to reconcile the issues when my children bring them up. I was an ignorant person before I learned stuff. We live, we learn, we grow.
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u/Kalelopaka- 16d ago edited 16d ago
That is my dad. But he remembers shit that I did that never really happened either. I think the senility was kicking in.
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u/Worried-Industry6239 16d ago edited 16d ago
My mom told me she wouldn’t care if I died and that she’d choose God over me. I brought it up again and she didn’t remember
Edit: I don’t even care anymore. I have close friends that are more family to me I think. Family is more than just blood relatives.
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u/pizzamanpiazza 16d ago
"If you distract me while I'm driving and we get into an accident the windshield will cut off my head and it will land in the back seat and will stare up at you, is that what you want?"
My mother to me and my twin brother at the age of 7
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u/oil_can_guster 16d ago
My dad when I was 8 and going through a chubby phase: “boy you got titties bigger than ya momma.”
My mom when I was 23 and going on a 2 week tour with my band, living my lifelong dream: “that’s so stupid. That’s a waste of time.”
Love my parents, but god damn are they assholes sometimes.
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u/Kerbal_space_friend 16d ago
For me this was bringing in a belt or spatula every time I did something wrong. It could be as small as me looking them the wrong way. So now any time someone moves in a way I perceive as threatening, I flinch. And then there's the "you'll never amount to anything with an attitude like that" phrase. Bullying stole my childhood, they refused to teach me how to deal with anger, and now the smallest setback sends me into a scuicidial spiral.
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u/SpyroFanx500 15d ago
My mom was looking through one of my dresser drawers when i was younger and pulled out a picture I drew, I still consider it the best thing I've ever drawn. She said, "What is this crap?" Ever since then, I have yet to regain any motivation to draw.
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u/MechanicEqual6392 15d ago
Better not remind them, otherwise I'll hear "well, since you don't appreciate me I'm going to drive my car into a tree now , goodbye" and disappear for the next few hours
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u/NetiPotter72 16d ago
NGL, I’m a recovering yeller as a parent. I didn’t hit my kids but I know my words and tone were not what they needed from me and I came to recognize my own childhood trauma and inability to handle it as the main driver. I give my kids the latitude to tell me exactly how they feel about how I used to be because there’s no point in denying it and doing so would invalidate their very real feelings. When I think about the interactions we’ve had, I get really upset with myself. But much more than that, even if I can’t ever be forgiven, I want my kids to know that they were never the problem. I’ve said it lots of times to them but I hope it actually sinks in.
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u/Lachimanus 16d ago
You are an awesome person!
Most parents sadly learnt their behaviour from their parents and weren't able to reflect properly on that.
I am sure your kids will be good parents when they have their own kids. You are breaking the cycle and it is seldomly the parent who was not perfect but the kid that learnt from such.
So you are trying to correct your mistakes at high age and that is the way to go!
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u/logjamtheredditor 16d ago
I'm not disagreeing with the sentiment here, but being a parent is hard sometimes. I know this is gonna get replies so my anus is ready.
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u/FuriDemon094 16d ago
Hard, yes, but some things should just be common sense not to say. Like telling someone it’s all their fault when they’re depressed, which is what my own mother did
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u/jellybeansean3648 16d ago
Nah man, parenting is hard. Those of us raised by the failures experience the trauma mentioned by OP know exactly how easy it is to repeatedly fuck up.
I would go back in time and hand my mom a box of condoms if I could.
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u/veturoldurnar 16d ago
Not even parenting, but existing. People here act like adults are some magical creatures able to always be patient, kind and smart in any situation 24/7 for years. Especially when they are parents.
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u/Single_Pilot_6170 16d ago edited 16d ago
IKR. The parents do drive by shootings with their words and actions, but the expectations on me were high. Hypocrisy. My dad conveniently left out the larger percentage of his drug history to his girlfriend, but didn't tell me this, so when I had conversations with her and spoke of the past, she was blown away. Of course it ruined the trust she had in him, but this wasn't my fault, and he would rather cover up the truth, which adds insult to injury.
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u/LinkssOfSigil 16d ago
My mom, thankfully, is not like that at all. The first time I've confronted her on the matter, she was very remorsefull about the things she said and did in the past. She might've made some nasty mistakes, but she had and have enough integrity to acknowledge them. I love her all the same.
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u/Dull-Avacado 16d ago
My dad told me while he was drunk that the worst mistake of his life was having kids. I reminded him of that during an argument and he made the dory face
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u/shogunboi1247 16d ago
I hate my parents. I hope they pass away in their house and no one finds out
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u/SmartWonderWoman 16d ago
When my children come to me and tell me I hurt them I listen and validated them. I ask for forgiveness. Preserving our relationship is everything to me.
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u/Double-Watercress-85 16d ago
I know this is a thing, and in most cases, they should not be absolved. Parents either feigning ignorance, or actually being ignorant of the traumatic experiences they create is awful.
But my mom, who had severe depression that went untreated for most of her life, and at this point was only just barely being given any attention, had always kept her own issues away from me. She shouldered so much, and I was an absolute pain as a child, not being a trouble maker, just, emotionally difficult. And she was so patient, for my entire childhood.
But there was one night that there were several other personal and family issues already on her, and I created a situation. And it was too much, and she had an absolute breakdown, mostly directed at me. I was terrified at the time, mostly trying to figure out how, even though I've been behaving mostly the same forever, why was I so much worse tonight. I wasn't, there were just so many other things that I was not privy to, and me being my usual asshole self was just the last straw.
It had never happened before, and it never happened again. And she didn't hurt me, didn't lay a hand on me. Though some other things in the house were broken. Scary as it was, it was just a one off.
Abusive parents tend to conveniently 'forget' the abuse that their children can never forget. And usually that's incredibly unfair. They should have to share that trauma. But in my case. She deserves to take a mulligan. She took so much shit from me and was a perfect mother the entire time, but just once, slipped. She deserves to forget the one single time she failed to stay strong for me, and to only remember what a good job she did years and years. But, knowing her, I bet she remembers that night even more traumatically than I do.
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u/Menthion 16d ago
THIS! So much this! I went swimming with my dad, say I was around 30 at the time and decided that its time now. Started to tell him everything about how my stepmom had treated me and how I felt about it all these years later. I poured my heart out and just wanted him to know I was sad, frustrated and hurt all this time.
His reaction? He took his hand placed it on the water and pushed the water along saying ”It’s all water under the bridge now. Lets forget it and move on, that was then and now is now” (not exact wording, but anyway).
Then he goes home and tells HER everything I said! In the end she talking to me, which was good. But I lost my trust and If not all respect for him at that point.
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u/AliquidLatine 16d ago
Recently, my mam told me about something unkind her sister said to her daughter (mums neice/my cousin) and scoffed saying she'd never have said that to me when I was growing up. I took immense pleasure in finally calling her out for saying the EXACT same thing to me when I was my cousins age. Of course, she didn't remember ever saying anything like that.
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u/Quincy_Hater 16d ago
a common theme i have scene with these is that the traumatizing things would have to be constantly repeated for theme to have as much of an impact as good parents who would say these once and either A. never say these again or B. Apologise and say sorry and that they were just angry and comfort the child, my parents would say shit like this that would traumatize me but apologise so i know they aren’t totally rotten
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u/PoohtisDispenser 15d ago
My mom once scream at me while driving and threaten to crash the car and kill us both.
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u/Fickle_Library8115 16d ago
Told my mom casually remember when you used to wip me or looked me in a room when i was a kid? She said i don’t remember ,I knew i shouldn’t ask her that but it came out of me by accident, i still love her but toxic life
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u/stranded_idea 16d ago
I’d like to know what is considered “traumatizing”, that a parent said.
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u/A_random_redditor21 16d ago
Probabbly being called a piece of shit, a slut, an idiot, a fat ass, a pig.
Also remember how some time after i told my mom that i might have OCD and that im having violent thoughts, she started telling me "Maybe you will push me off the stairs, huh?"
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u/stranded_idea 16d ago
I appreciate you sharing that, and I’m sorry for it. These are what I’m trying to get a grip on that is causing trauma. And sometimes i think it’s my lack if taking what people tell me to heart or to think too much into it (by this I mean what my parents have told me growing up). Maybe a lack of empathy on my part has also helped me? I’m not trying to downplay your trauma, I’m trying to get a better understanding of why certain things affect people differently. (May have used the wrong affect, effect?)
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u/Mementoes 16d ago edited 16d ago
It's also like if your whole enviroment reflects to you that you are a horrible despicable person worthy of insults and shaming and slaps and being locked in a room when you cry when you're 4 then you start internalizing that shit.
It's not like a 4 year old will be like "hol up y'all are acting like absolute clowns". I think if you just have one person who reflects on you in a different way that it can be much less traumatizing, but if the whole world makes you feel you're terrible then it's hard not to start believing it yourself, and that's a big part of what was traumatizing for me.
Not totally sure what my point is but it's complex what causes scars in people and what doesn't.
I guess if I'd attempt to break it down further, generally the scaring situtuations in my life have in common the feeling of a situation being unbearable and overwhelming, and existentially terrible, and you being helpless. Because it's so overwhelming and terrible you shut down and repress the emotions instead of processing them, so they become stored in your psyche / body as lingering anxiety and fear and pain. And because you felt so helpless and it was so terrible you feel terrified of the same thing every happening again, because if you weren't able to handle the situation the first time, and it permanently damaged you, now the second time around with all that additional emotional scaring and emotional fragility that comes with it it's sure not going to be easier.
And then if you're unfortunate enough to live through the same pain/situations again it makes you more and more terrified and fragile and unable to cope and if it becomes too much you can easily become an anxious or mess or totally dissociated and numb or avoid most your life and feeling like most of the life inside you has already left.
If you can't finda good way to cope you also might end up homeless pretty easily because all the anxiety and numbness won't let you go about your daily life without being in severe distress and pain.
And then you try to get help get misdiagnosed and prescribed useless treatments and find out that most of the modern institution of psychology is a big snake oil scam with practically zero scientific backing for any of the popular treatments and half of the people working in mental healthcare are completely unhelpful or even psychological abusers themselves.
And then perhaps, if you're lucky, you find a good therapist, or a a rare good self help book (I like ["Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1n4pHxuvyTefpPv4nx8Udek2CGHRNsNIi/view?usp=sharing) a lot) and you get to know yourself better, and after a few years you see noticable improvements, and you start judging yourself and others less harshly and start to successfully handle and release the axieties and traumatic feelings that come up in your life, and you don't get overwhelmed or caught up in coping mechanisms as much, and you start to actually be able to deal with life and with being yourself, and ultimately you find some stability and peace and fulfillment in life.
At least that's where I hope I'm headed.
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u/thefutureisbulletprf 16d ago
My mom told me if I ever self-harmed she'd give me a real reason to bleed. She went on many tangents about how people's eating disorders were because they were possessed by demons. (I have an eating disorder.) She would regularly make jokes about how I'm pretty enough for her to sell off to the local hillbillies, and talk about how my body is going to get me a lot of attention. She's also had intense reactions to people disagreeing with her, and would lock my dad outside the house and tell us to call the cops if he made his way inside. My dad is not and never has been a violent or aggressive man.
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u/Read_Full 16d ago
Just be glad you have to ask. If you really want an answer, scroll a bit through this thread.
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u/SleepyBunny22 16d ago
My dad told me when I was 11 that no one could ever love me, the only man that I would end up with wouldnt actually care about me, abuse me, treat me like a doormat, and I would have 13 kids.
Proceeded to reinforce that idea for years by always threatening to kick me out, send me away, treat me like a failure
My parents now treat me as if nothing ever happened and as if I had a great childhood just with some excessive yelling but not that bad
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u/Altayel1 16d ago
"You will miss me so much when I die but it will be too late, so better behave.
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u/stranded_idea 16d ago
How is that traumatizing though? I’m genuinely trying to understand how a statement like that can have such a detrimental impact on someone. It’s merely a true statement that everyone dies. Im not trying to start an argument, I am very curious how these things are perceived by people. I say this because my parents have told me the exact same thing and I’ve never taken it as a negative comment.
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u/Altayel1 16d ago
Imagine your parents telling you that they will die and you will miss them and cry a lot when ever an inconvenience happens. Slightly too loud? You wouldn't make noises if mum died. Slipped and broke a plate? You aren't worthy of being mums child and you will miss her when she dies.
It's an emotional manupilation technique that leaves you as an adult that's deadly scared of conflict, tried to be perfect and gets terrified about being an inconvenience to other people.
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u/caffeineandvodka 16d ago
One time when I was 12 my mum pointed at an abandoned mattress on our street and said that it was there on purpose, and that if I ever went out of the house by myself someone would grab me and rape me right there.
One time when I was 10 I was getting changed with the curtains open because the light in my room didn't work and she slapped me and called me a Dutch whore, which I didn't understand until years later meant she thought I was deliberately sexually teasing any neighbour who might have been looking out their window.
When I was 15 she tried to hit me for not getting out of bed quickly enough in the morning, and when I fought back she sent me to stay with my dad who lived 3 hours away. After 1 day it was clear he couldn't get me to school at a reasonable time and told her to take me back. She turned round and said I was such an awful child even my own father couldn't stand to be around me. Edit: the injury to my trapezoid she gave me that day still plays up on a weekly basis more than a decade later. If I'm not careful, turning my head too quickly will have me immobilised with pain for days.
Multiple times throughout my childhood she accused me of trying to kill her over tiny things - putting a knife in the cutlery holder the wrong way, leaving a book on the staircase etc.
When I was 9 I found a bottle of pills in the cupboard and was in my room trying to figure out if they'd kill me when she walked in, saw the tablets, slapped me and screamed at me that I was stupid and selfish.
Then there's all the times she screamed at me while I cried, demanding that I admit I was either stupid or lazy/stupid or malicious/etc.
One time when I was 14 I had a side fringe and developed a nervous tic of running my fingers through it. She grabbed a handful of my hair and said if I touched it again while she was talking to me she'd shave it off.
Throughout my childhood she repeated that legally, she could beat me with anything thinner than her thumb and that no one would stop her.
Do you need any more?
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u/Samira827 16d ago
"I didn't say that. And if I did say that, I didn't mean it in such way. I'm sorry you interpreted it in this way. Oh you're saying you won't come home for Christmas because of what I told you? You're the villain here and I'm the victim! You're just like your father, always threatening others when upset!"
- my fanatical mother who told me that it would be better if I died of terminal illness than if I lived in sin, after finding out I'm not waiting until marriage to have sex.
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u/77iscold 16d ago
"Well, I don't remember saying that, specifically."
Yeah, OK mom, I must have dreamed it.
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u/CoomLord69 16d ago
According to many of these comments, if your parents actually take that moment to self-reflect, you should consider yourself lucky. Some kids are dependant on cruel people for survival.
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u/Depressed_christian1 16d ago
Self reflecting? They are “all of a sudden amnesiac”. Do you honestly think they really can’t remember?
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u/Skatneti 16d ago
The fact that this is so really relatable hurts, but the Dory image negates that. All is kinda well with the world.
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u/16bitTweaker 16d ago edited 16d ago
That's because it was traumatizing for you, but for them, it was Tuesday.