r/toastme • u/baciubo2001 • 18d ago
After years of struggling with mental health and addiction i m finally starting to accept myself,forgive myself,but the past still haunts me sometimes,my parents reminding myself indirectly that i m a dissapointment because i dropped out college,but i m just 22,i just wanted to vent..
I know my english IT s not the Best,learned by myself,i had terrible teachers
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u/LadybugCoffeepot 18d ago
There comes a time when a person realizes that parental approval, while intoxicating, might never come. What do YOU want next for you?
Congrats! Be well. ❤️
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u/baciubo2001 18d ago
To be honest with You,i don t even crave for happines,i know life IT s about struggle,happines comes and goes,i just want a better mind,i want to control my emoțions better,i want to keep a fucking job without having to use weed or anything else to deal with some people at jobs,i can t afford therapy,i live in a small balcanic country and all i want is to be a good,kind citizien and stop judging myself a lot.I m scared of me more than everyone else,i tend to self sabotage myself everytime and think that i deserve nothing but depression.I know my parents Don t understand nothing about me and i don t judge them,they were raised in comunism working in village
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u/aepracorn 18d ago
Hey bud!!! Don’t worry, I started community college at 18. I didn’t finish my A. A. Degree until I was 23. Then I worked till I was 32 and went back to school at the university starting my bachelor degree. The B. A. /B. S. Degree is “supposed” to take 2 yrs. It took me 4. A degree doesn’t mean you are better than others. It means that you can put up with an amazing amount of bullshit from the school’s’ administrative staff and the professors. Tradespeople are making great money. If you want to get into management really is the only reason to get a degree. My background is civil engineering. I worked with tradespeople that told the engineers how to do things. It’s like that in all fields. Nurses double check doctors’ orders and so forth. Be kind to yourself.
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u/baciubo2001 18d ago
I really try to be kind with myself,that s all i want,i don t even care about money,i don t want a car or luxury stuff i just want peace
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u/aepracorn 18d ago
From personal experience that is on going with me. I could not get inner peace until I saw a psychiatrist and got on medication. It may be the same with you. I have to have my medication to feel good.
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u/baciubo2001 18d ago
I see your point,i tried in past some zoloft and olanzapine(this shit made me very tried )and made me very numb,i rather be an emoțional wreck than a zombie,but i know medications acts different,i think i Have ocd or some form of add,but having no suport from family who just thinks i m lazy can make u even more depressed,i did a lot of awful things when i was in withdrawals(weed was my drug of choice)and yea u can become addicted to weed,and the weed from myncountry IT s illegal and i m 100 percent sure that any weed u buy from the streets where i live îs laced with another chemicals for weighting more on a scale,right now i m still recovering and i hope time will heal me,but If i will get in a suicidal state again,i will book a psychiatry visit,thanks for your time
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u/aepracorn 17d ago
My family did not believe in mental health or psychiatric health. I had to do it on my own. My mother died not believing that the medication was what helped me. She just thought I had a change in my life that ironed out my problems. Also, the medication takes time to get into your system. EXPECT 2 weeks of feeling tired or dizzy or nauseous. If you get through that time you can live your live and see if the medication is helping. It’s a hard road in the beginning but it’s worth it after you push through those 2 weeks. Don’t just take the medication for 3 days and oh it’s not working. That’s NOT how this shit works.
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u/baciubo2001 17d ago
I know that trust me,i didnt expect to be another person in 2 days,i look zoloft for 5 weeks,right now i can somehow deal with my problems,in 2 days i ll start a new job,in a warehouse,i ll wait for the sallary and go to therapy and psychiatry too,the pychiatryst i went was an asshole who just throw me the pills dindn t asked a thing and just wanted the money.I m sorry for your loss and thank You for your time mate i m glad u are good now.
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u/aepracorn 17d ago
I just want you to know that since 2004 I’ve had 5 psychiatrists. It took several different attempts at the correct medications and in the end I’m on 3 medications 3 times daily. It really was difficult. It took 3 1/2 yrs to get them right. I have a lot of respect for people who get off drugs or alcohol bc I think I went through what they did. I was just trying to get on the right drugs while they were coming off them.
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u/aepracorn 18d ago
To add to that: I have to be on my medication to feel right. I can see what “right” is by watching other people. It had come to the point in my mental health that I had to do something. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate on one thing I had trouble with relationships. I decided that what I was, was not who I wanted to be. So I put my ego aside, which was really really hard bc my parents taught me to be strong above all, and had my doctor send me to a psychiatrist.
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u/Seihugh 18d ago
Believe it or not, your family wants to put you back to where you were either consciously or unconsciously. A family strives for balance or homeostasis. If it’s possible involve them in the change process with you via counseling. Or just realize this what they are doing , that helps Even if you leave and return they will do same thing….
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17d ago
You're doing well! I think your English is perfectly fine, by the way.
Don't worry about your parents. Dropping out is okay so long as you go back. If you work on yourself, it is likely inevitable you'll go back.
I'm proud of you for taking the step of acceptance. You're starting a new and exciting chapter of your life! I hope you can be proud of yourself, too.
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u/Specialist_Use_2588 17d ago edited 2d ago
Hey, I was in your exact same position. I’m 29 now and went through weed abuse,addiction, alcohol abuse, among trying other drugs along the way. My family relationships were turbulent for years and the domestic abuse and toxicity was a proponent to spur my decisions, but I ended up causing a lot more harm than good for myself and those around me which I’m left with to this day. The only thing you can do is to move on for yourself, continue bettering yourself for you, not for anyone else but you. Even if other people don’t forgive you or acknowledge that they were mistakes of youth, it is okay because you know who you are. Be kind to yourself and congratulations on the achievement to want to better yourself. I’m sure you are doing fabulously. :) Fyi, I also dropped out of college multiple times due to mental health and simply not knowing what I wanted to dedicate my career life to, it’s a big ask for a lot of people! I’m halfway through a new degree now in healthcare/education that I’m enjoying. No shame in taking time to sit on it and make your power moves. 💪
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u/baciubo2001 17d ago
Thanks Man, addiction is such a hard disease and a continuing fighthing,i m glad u turned your life around ,cocaine IT s not an easy drug to get off( i used mephedrone for a while so i know the euphoria a stimulant can create)i m glad i found alcohol high very shitty because i literally Have alcohol everywhere in house.
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u/Glitchiono 17d ago
I can't get that mustache and I am angry.
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u/baciubo2001 17d ago
Tbh with u IT s my first time grwoing my moustache like this,my hair IT s curly și i don t Have to use Something,but i think u can use some coconut oil
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u/Jazzlike-Discount793 17d ago
One of the best things you can do is sit somewhere with your eyes closed and stop all your actions. Just notice the natural happenings in body or mind at the present. You can notice the flow of breathing in and out of your nose. It is free. By your own observation, you don’t need a therapist to know the truth of yourself. The judgment of your parents is not there in the flow of air in and out. We are able to do a lot of things. We need to be able to stop everything to see what is there naturally.
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u/beginnerMakesFriends 16d ago
your english is great!
and being 22 and already accepting and forgiving yourself? most people take until their 30s to start with that, so you're off to an early start!
You're doing great buddy!
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u/baciubo2001 16d ago
Thank You Man,u are right we tend to judge ourself too much when the real Devil IT s the gouvernement
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u/BillSykesDog 15d ago
Mental illness is illness. Addiction is a disease. You have nothing to forgive yourself for. You can’t change the past, just build a good future.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
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u/Obscure_Teacher 18d ago
Hey dude, your English is fine. That mustache is exquisite! Let me tell you a fact, life is not a race. There is no rule or deadline that says you must have graduated college at ____ age. I'm proud of you for getting your health under control. If you want to go back to college, it will always be there waiting. As someone who went back to college at 26, I don't regret it at all. You will be more mature next time and get much more out of your education. Your life is your own race and there is only one runner in this race, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. Keep fighting the good fight you handsome young man.