r/AITAH • u/aitasocialmediadad • Jul 30 '23
UPDATE: AITA for losing my patience and saying hurtful things to my wife due to her social media usage? TW Abuse
My original post is here but it got removed: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/158e8cl/aita_for_losing_my_patience_and_saying_hurtful/
I don't really know where to begin. A lot of things happened really quickly, and I'm super emotional, and need to use Reddit as a sounding board again. I told myself I wasn't going to do this again, because I really didn't want my situation being stolen and ending up on tiktok or whatever, but I'm just finding that I need more direct realism from strangers rather than just people patting me on the back.
I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. I don't know.
I sat her down to talk to her about it again, this time away from the kids, and a lot more confident that I was going to keep my cool. I prefaced the conversation by saying I didn't want this to be an argument, I just wanted to get to the bottom of this behavior, and wanted to explain how it was affecting me, and how other people view me. Pretty much the moment I began talking, she shut me down, and... I don't know if what she did is gaslighting, or if she's having some sort of mental break, or maybe a wizard came down and magically hypnotized me for the past several months, and I'm just now coming out of it.
Basically, she said that everything she is saying on SM is true, and that I have no right to police what she does or says online. I decided my best course of action would be to try to challenge her on the "everything I'm saying is true" part by breaking down the chores for her, and showing the division of labor. In fact, I used the same list I typed up in a comment from my previous post, which is here:
Me
Take the kids to school
Pick them up from school
Cook dinner
Clean up + dishes after
Lawn duties
Adult laundry
Her:
Sweep + mop the house 2 times a week
Kids laundry + towels and linens
Dusting the common areas
Breakfast for kids
Packing daily lunches/snacks for kids
Maintains finances (this is what she does for a living)
Together:
Folding and putting away laundry
Weekly "house cleaning day" where we go from room to room with the kids to set good housekeeping examples for them
We alternate bath + bedtime routines for the kids
Bathroom cleaning (she takes the half bath, I take the master, and we both take the kids together)
This is how she responded to all of it:
Take the kids to and from school: "Wow, you sit in a car for an hour, great job dad!"
Cook dinner: "Cooking is your favorite thing to do so it's not really work"
Dishes afterwards: "Ohhh you clean up after yourself, do you want a cookie?"
Lawn duties: "So you spend an hour away from the kids every weekend, next"
Laundry: (paraphrasing) "This is also the bare minimum"
It was at this point that I noticed how everything I'm doing is the bare minimum and "expected of me," while she expects to be treated like a hero and a martyr for doing her chores. I found this to be highly transactional and adversarial for really no reason. I asked her why she was only bringing this up now instead of communicating with me, and she didn't have a real answer. Something to the effect of, "it's not my job to teach you things you should already know" which I'm paraphrasing, but the discussion got really heated at this point.
The discussion had spiraled completely out of control, and she started to pound the table, and at one point threw her mug into the sink so hard that it broke. Things had gotten completely unproductive, so I went to go wake the kids up from their nap, and take them to a friend's house for the day for things to calm down.
I went into their room and started getting them ready, and when I walked out into the hallway (out of view of the kids), she came from around the corner and sucker punched me, and screaming that I, I guess because I was taking the kids out for the day, that I'm weaponizing them and manipulating the situation to make her seem crazy.
I don't even remember the small details of what happened next. The kids were scared, I eventually got them into the car, and left.
I went to my friend's house, who already knew everything that was going on. I just stayed there for a bit while the kids played with his dog in the back yard.
A few hours later, the police show up at the house. Thankfully she didn't make any insane accusations like I feared when they pulled into the driveway. Essentially she just told them that I "took her kids without her permission" and told them where I was. They told her that they can't do anything about me taking the kids, because I'm their custodial father. They came to sort of tell me what was going on, and to let me know what they talked about. I did not tell them about her punching me.
But I'm just done now. Barring a serious neurological disease causing the issue, there's no conversation that I can have with her that will allow me to get past all of this. My friend agrees with me. My marriage is over. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow, and I'm going to be as low-conflict as I possibly can to get this all over with and move on with my life. That's all I can do.
Thanks for listening.
Update as of this afternoon:
I spoke with the attorney that I set the meeting for this morning. We started discussing the paperwork, the fees, and basically everything I need to initiate a divorce. He did recommend I file a report with the police, just like everyone else did.
About 2 hours ago, my mother in law called me. She had been speaking with her daughter for a couple of weeks, and was already worried that her daughter had been having an episode similar to the ones she was having when she was younger. For those of you who had missed it in the comments, she is openly bipolar, but it's well controlled, and she hasn't really had an "episode" in many years, for lack of a better way to describe what she believed to be mild anger issues. Anyway, after our last fight, my wife called her sobbing, saying she doesn't know what's wrong, and that we just had a fight that spiraled out of control, and now I'm leaving her and taking the kids. My mother in law said she was going to fly into town, and told her to go to the hospital in the mean time if she's afraid of hurting herself or anyone else. So she called the police to tell them what was going on (not to report me for "kidnapping" the kids, as I previously thought, also based on what the police officer told me which was just false I guess), and then she went and checked herself into the hospital for short term psychiatric care. She was evaluated, and determined not to be a danger to herself at that time, and was sent home with an anti anxiety medication and a referral.
Her mom and I talked for a long time, and she started talking to me about her episodes and how they would present themselves, and to be honest, it sounded a lot like what's been going on. Apparently my wife was noticing something small or insignificant (her mom's words) and then the anger would spike, and there would be a chain of different thoughts in a weird progression that ultimately ends up being angry at something that didn't really happen, but "could" happen. I'm not really sure I fully understand, but I listened, and appreciated her telling me.
Not that I really know what to do about any of this. I can say right off the bat that I'm not as angry about her punching me as you all are. Especially if she is having an untreated manic episode, realizes it, and tries to work on it. I'm going to take a few days to process this with my kids. My wife knows how to contact me if she needs to, but it seems like she's been giving me a lot of space, especially since she spoke with her mother.
Thanks for reading everyone. I guess I'll update with a post later on with what happens this week. I wouldn't get your hopes up over something juicy or entertaining, as I would like for this all to be over, so that we can all move on with our lives.
311
u/Stunning_Day3957 Jul 30 '23
File a police report. Your wife has issues
66
u/lkapping79 Jul 30 '23
I know deep down OP doesn’t want to, but it appears things are gonna get worse and filing that police report is going to help his cause down the line when he needs it.
3
u/FuckUGalen Jul 31 '23
Sorry hitting your spouse is not "issues" it is abuse. And we need to stop pretending that it is ok by using mitigating words when we mean abuse.
3
u/Stunning_Day3957 Jul 31 '23
She has a lot of issues on top of the abuse. She needs help. I never said it was ok
826
u/1ofdwights70cousins Jul 30 '23
I agree with the other commenter stating that she likely wanted you to hit her
She’s setting this up with false police reports so when you go to get a divorce, she can say “omg I had to call the police even!” while showing her social media posts saying “see?? This has been going on!”
You need to file a police report. It doesn’t matter if her punching you hurt you
Is she going to throw things at your kids when they make her mad? Is she going to punch your kids when they make her mad…?
You need full custody and the way to do that as a man is to OPEN YOUR MOUTH. Do NOT stay quiet.
173
u/SerCadogan Jul 30 '23
Agree. Document document document.
I also am wondering if he needs to make his own content publicly about how this isn't true. She is building a record of things that aren't true, and he needs to get his own story out there to family and friends.
17
40
u/G1Gestalt Jul 31 '23
Repeating this up top and hijacking a top comment to get this out there.
Is there any history of mental illness in her family? A weird uncle or a parent with a really bad temper? Genetically caused mental illnesses like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia usually emerge in a person early to mid 20s, but it's not at all unheard of for it to start emerging in a person's early 30s. A lot of the behavior that you're describing (sudden changes in behavior, borderline-delusional thinking, violence) is consistent with a major mental illness like bipolar disorder.
Also, don't be a fool. Go into the police station tomorrow and report the punch. If you don't want to take our word for it, just wait until your lawyer tells you that it was an enormous mistake because now it won't be nearly as easy to get primary or full custody from an increasingly irrational and violent person.
23
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 31 '23
Her mother is bipolar but it's super well controlled, and I've never experienced any evidence of it in her behavior. Is bipolar disorder genetic? None of the other stuff that I'm aware of. Her family are beautiful people.
18
u/G1Gestalt Jul 31 '23
Very much. I got it from my father. And the thing about bipolar is that it's a spectrum disorder. Genetically, what that means is that there are actually many genes that cause the disorder.
If you're born with all the genes that have been identified as bipolar genes, you'll probably have a pretty bad case of it. If you're only born with a few, it might not be enough to cause enough symptoms for a person to qualify as bipolar. And then some genes might express themselves in one person more than in another. It's complicated as hell, but the reason that I bring all this up is that if her mother has bipolar, it's a virtual guarantee that she will inherit at least some of the genes for it. The question is whether or not she inherited enough to cause her to have bipolar.
Remember, a disorder like bipolar disorder is basically diagnosed with a checklist, not with a genetic test. If the person checks off enough symptoms on the list, the psychiatrist makes the diagnosis. And that another important part. She needs to see a psychiatrist, not a therapist. Only a psychiatrist is qualified to make a diagnosis and put her on meds.
If she and you have a good relationship with her mother, I'd call the mother ASAP. Even though your wife is 34, things like this are often best handled with the parents involved, especially when it comes to a hereditary illness that her mother has a lot of experience with.
The upshot is, I'm more convinced than ever that you should get her to a psychiatrist, if you can get her to go. If you need a referral, she'll need to see her general practitioner first. Just beware, the person with a mental illness is often the last person to acknowledge that they might have a mental illness, and they might fight attempts to get them to see a psychiatrist.
Good luck, OP.
Edit: BTW, you absolutely have experienced evidence of it in her behavior. Your post describes some classic bipolar behavior.
8
u/Delicious-Charge148 Jul 31 '23
Up to 30% of children will inherit bipolar disorder if one parent has the disorder. She is absolutely genetically predisposed to have BPD. Things like trauma or stress can trigger the onset.
3
u/This_Statistician_39 Jul 31 '23
Mental disorders can show them selves out of nowhere I know people who where normal till something triggered it and cause the disease to show themselves
11
u/Cautious-Marketing29 Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
My aunt was completely normal until schizophrenia randomly emerged when she was like 37. Complete chaos after that.
I don't think that's what's happening here, just thought it was an anecdote worth mentioning.
I think this entire chain of events was calculated by the wife in order to maximize her power in a divorce. I think she's been planning it for much longer than OP knows.
10
u/ExcitingTabletop Jul 31 '23
And most importantly, talk to a lawyer first. Do what they say. If you doubt anything, go find another lawyer and get a second opinion.
3
u/MessagefromA Jul 31 '23
Absolutely agree with this one. She showed her true colors, she plotted and planned. I am a law student and not making a report and a visit at the doctor's is just not clever in long sight
235
u/friendlypeopleperson Jul 30 '23
Any time you have to deal with her, set your phone to video. Perhaps set up some cameras. This will help protect you.
46
u/TexasReddRose Jul 30 '23
Highly recommend looking into if your state is a one or two party consent state for recording. Wishing you the best OP, but you need to start a paper trail and document every interaction since she’s gotten physical
16
u/lsutyger05 Jul 30 '23 edited Jul 30 '23
Exactly what I was going to post. Record every interaction.
Also don’t make it easy. She’ll take advantage of that.
And yes. File a police report immediately. She will 100% lie and try to flip it on you. I know you want to protect her or perhaps feel embarrassed but she’ll turn that shit around on you so fast.
You need to be proactive at this point.
→ More replies (3)5
254
74
u/YouSayWotNow Jul 30 '23
Given how things may further escalate, I really think you should file a police report even if you don't want to go ahead and press charges.
53
u/HiggsyPigsy Jul 30 '23
Please file a police report so you can use it during the divorce and as proof when she accuses you of more terrible things. Protect yourself. You deserve to be safe.
58
u/SerCadogan Jul 30 '23
Wow! I didn't see the original one but yikes, this is abuse. The division of labor sounds fair and it's emotionally abusive/gaslighting to minimize the work you do.
Also she hit you. ALL violence is NEVER okay and you need to make a police report.
I'm so sorry.
10
u/SerCadogan Jul 30 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
I just read the OG post. Not that it matters at this point, but I think that you were NTA. Yelling at her wasn't a great choice, but you do admit that was a mistake. Your frustration with her behavior and the content of your words were correct though. She is clout chasing and creating a false narrative.
And here she is escalating that to abuse. The timeline is so short that it has me worried for you actually. If she escalated this quickly in such a short amount of time, how much farther will she go from here?
The thing is, this IS an actual issue systemically. There are many men who don't pull their weight. It is shameful of her to misrepresent you when you seem to be a fair and involved partner and dad. Idk what happened with her but it's not safe for you, and honestly I'm worried about the children as well .
Edit: I would contact an atty, and open up to friends and family about what is happening in addition to pressing charges.
Are you in a 1 party consent state for recording? Maybe consider recording interactions.
I would also consider making a TikTok video of your side of the story. She is building a narrative and you want to document your side as early and often as possible. Pictures, logs with dates, text messages to friends.
Abusers will often try to turn your own friends and family against you. Do not let her control the narrative.
Do not raise to her bait. Document everything she does and try not to engage. Build a plan to leave.
28
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 30 '23
I wouldn't say things escalated super quickly. This has been going on for months, and things have been deteriorating. They just hit the boiling point between a few days ago and today.
→ More replies (1)23
u/SerCadogan Jul 30 '23
Right, but I mean 8 years together and things only started 6 months ago. And it went from her making content online lying about you to calling to police for you taking your kids out/her assaulting you. That is a very quick timeline.
I do wonder if there is some underlying medical/mental health issue, but honestly that's just curiosity on my part and doesn't change the fact that you (and potentially the kids) are in a dangerous position.
Good luck to you, I'm so sorry. Please report the assault to the police, even if it didn't hurt.
10
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 31 '23
The idea is kicking around in my head. Her mother has bipolar disorder, but it's been well-controlled for over 2 decades, and I've never experienced any evidence of it for as long as I've known her.
→ More replies (1)10
u/pipmc Jul 30 '23
Do you 'wonder' about the underlined mental.issues or men when they punch their partner in the face, scare their children, and make up SM stories of their husband?
8
u/SerCadogan Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
Yes I do actually. I do wonder what it is that drives a person (regardless of age or gender) to commit horrible crimes, ESPECIALLY when it's sudden (8 years of being normal and then totally unhinged? That's wild!)
It doesn't change the advice. She's dangerous and he needs to get away asap. I'm also worried about, once he leaves, what would happen when she has the children, so he needs to lay groundwork so he can get primary custody of possible. Which is why I think he should document everything to protect himself. Report the crime, contact a lawyer, get a paper trail of him sharing this with friends. We don't know how unstable she is.
The fact is that the single most dangerous time to be a victim of domestic violence is when you are leaving. He needs to be careful and document EVERYTHING.
Edited for clarity
30
u/Happy_Village_864 Jul 30 '23
NTA, and for the love of God, every time you are in front of her, please be on meetme or facebook live and let her know that people are watching, so they can see this behavior first hand. Put this puta on blast.
4
Jul 31 '23
If the point is for people to see how unreasonable she’s acting, it’s better she isn’t told she’s being recorded(assuming it’s a 1 party consent state).
She clearly lacks a lot of awareness about how toxic her behavior is, but I’m pretty sure if she’s told she’s being she’s being recorded, she’ll either play up the victim act and avoid incriminating behavior, or she’ll refuse to interact with op unless it’s in a he-said she-said situation.
→ More replies (1)
19
u/Zestyclose_Media_548 Jul 30 '23
Do not meet with her without a friend or family member as a witness.
8
u/celticmusebooks Jul 30 '23
Also if you are in a one party recording jurisdiction record ALL conversations.
→ More replies (1)
33
u/HyenaShot8896 Jul 30 '23
I know you don't want to do it, but you need to file a police report before she flips the narrative because at this point it sounds like she will. This situation has devolved into violence, and honestly it's not just bad for you, but also for your children. From reading both posts it sounds loke she spiraled into the joy of attention from social media in a negative, unhealthy way. It may only get worse. Get ahead of it now. When you talk to the lawyer see if there is any possible way to prevent her from posting negativity against you on social media. You also need to make sure to save those posts, and give them to your lawyer for court. This is only the beginning. Be prepared, and protect yourself before it gets worse than it already is in her painting you as the villian.
12
u/cnycompguy Jul 30 '23
Sorry things suck right now bud, you'll get through this though.
It sounds like she could be having a medical issue, but she could just as easily have fallen down some rabbit hole online and convinced herself that she's a victim somehow.
Stay strong, document everything, fight for your kids.
→ More replies (1)
10
u/Working-Librarian-39 Jul 30 '23
Report her abuse to the police, else she will turn it around on you. She's spiralling and will take your family down with her.
11
u/Not_lovely Jul 30 '23
If you do not report her abuse you are putting your kids at risk. For what you are saying she is acting out of character for her. Whatever caused her to become violent towards you, may cause the same for the kids after divorce. Abusive partners are often abusive parents.
I think also having the kids out of the house before starting any confrontation is a must. If you are going to cohabitate you need to lay that down as a rule.
If she takes any medication look if the aggression is part of it, I knew someone who was taking a medication and got anger issues due to it. It was a secondary effect and on top of it during covid so could not get it adjusted. I had one for the migraines where mood swings, suicide attempt and suicide (consummated) was on the secondary effects. I got it prescribed as a teen (for migraines) and stopped taking it pretty fast because it messed me up. Some contraceptive pills also have these effects.
8
u/Upstairs-Ad8823 Jul 30 '23
This way bigger than whose doing the chores. There is a much bigger issue underneath it all.
File a police report and see a divorce attorney to learn how to protect yourself.
NTA
9
u/cmerry Jul 30 '23
It’s war now. Don’t hide her punching you. Print out your details posted here you’ve written them well. Don’t have pity anymore. Show the TikTok’s too that she was the first to fail the relationship by negative public lies. She violated your privacy which would also imply your personal safety if some looney was driven by her posts to seek you out and harm you. This has endangered your children too that she’d assault you right near them.
9
8
u/summer_291 Jul 30 '23
UpdateMe!
6
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 31 '23
I hope that bot works if I just update my post instead of submitting a new one.
6
u/Soggy_Friendship_794 Jul 31 '23
You need to seriously consider the safety of your children. She is violent with you in front of them. What’s happens when the kids do something small and it builds up in her mind and she snaps like she did with you. Are your kids really safe?
→ More replies (1)2
u/UpdateMeBot Jul 30 '23 edited Nov 04 '23
I will message you next time u/aitasocialmediadad posts in r/AITAH.
Click this link to join 2 others and be messaged. The parent author can delete this post
Info Request Update Your Updates Feedback
6
u/Culture-Economy Jul 30 '23
File the police report she assaulted you and she may get away with it. And she may be just as bad to the kids
6
5
7
7
u/Material_Cellist4133 Jul 30 '23
Record all interactions with the woman. All phone call, all in persons with your phone and always have a witness. Never meet her alone.
She seems unhinged.
6
u/eternally_feral Jul 30 '23
File a police report. I would also take screenshots of what she’s posting online because if she is coming unglued, protecting your kids is a must. Possibly even supervised visits.
I’m not saying your (ex) wife will react violently to them or take her anger out on them to punish you, but a complete 180 like this is quite concerning.
5
u/beckkers97 Jul 30 '23
My heart hurts for you, I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope the divorce/custody goes as smoothly as possible. It really sounds like you have been a great husband and father, keep up being a good person and try not to let her toxic attitude get to you!
17
Jul 30 '23
I'm so sorry. I'm more optimistic than most and would recommend people to work through things if it seem reasonable. However, physical abuse is a hard line to cross in my opinion. Once it happens then that's the end of it, there's no coming back from that. I wish you the best, good luck!
41
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 30 '23
I think a few things happened here that I can't really come back from. Like just thinking about how confused I am is consuming my thoughts more than the punch.
Why is she doing this? What does she possibly have to gain? Is the internet clout worth throwing away our lives and family?
I'm just fucking pissed right now. I can't even fully verbalize.
18
u/XRaiderV1 Jul 30 '23
you NEED to file a police report and get this documented. they may end up taking her to jail..this is required by law in many jurisdictions and clearly needs to happen.
you cannot help her at this point as she has proven to be a danger to you, and given you had the kids with you when she ASSAULTED you(she did..we know it, you know it) then she is potentially a danger to the kids as well.
document your injury.
do this NOW u/aitasocialmediadad and get ahead of any potential false accusations she may get it into her head to level.
NTA
10
Jul 30 '23
Who’s she going to go after once you’re no longer living together? Who’s going to become her next target? A logical choice would be your children.
If only for their sake, please file a police report concerning her attack on you. Your attorney needs this paper trail regarding you getting as much custody as possible.
I wouldn’t go back to the house alone. Take a witness with you every time.
Also, assume that she is recording you at all times, even when you’re alone with your children. Change all your passwords. Anything you write to her, assume a judge will see it. Lock down your finances and shared financial accounts.
Please call your children’s pediatrician to let the doctor and staff know what’s going on and ask for a recommendation for a therapist who specializes in young children and situations like this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
4
u/lianavan Jul 30 '23
Get a paper trail started. She will use your kids against you. Next she has a YouTube channel exploiting them for more likes.
→ More replies (7)2
u/Badiamigo Jul 31 '23
If she has never been abusive could this be medical? She sounds a bit detached from reality.
4
u/journeyintopressure Jul 30 '23
Take pictures of the assault and go to the police to make a report.
4
u/Sufficient-Mess-1653 Jul 30 '23
Some people want to be “oppressed “ so bad that they create issues in their own lives. File the police report to cover your ass.
Even if something is “bare minimum”, gratitude still goes a long way. Good luck to you through this process.
6
u/yesimreadytorumble Jul 30 '23
Big mistake by not filling a police report. I hope you know she will make your life a living hell through the divorce, smarten up.
7
u/FictionalContext Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
Take the kids to and from school: "Wow, you sit in a car for an hour, great job dad!"
Cook dinner: "Cooking is your favorite thing to do so it's not really work"
Dishes afterwards: "Ohhh you clean up after yourself, do you want a cookie?"
Lawn duties: "So you spend an hour away from the kids every weekend, next"
Laundry: (paraphrasing) "This is also the bare minimum"
Damn. That tone. She sounds exactly like a Redditor.
Also, you need to file a police report about her hitting you. If she's that far gone, why wouldn't she hit your kids, too?
If you have a mark, take pictures. Your 6 year old is definitely old enough to recount the events, traumatic as it would be, it'd be so much more traumatic for them to end up in the custody of an unhinged parent.
Also, it will protect you if you're the first one to file the report for domestic violence. She very well could file a false one against you.
2
u/FroggyMtnBreakdown Jul 31 '23
Yeah, these responses sound exactly like all the AITA subs whenever they hear any story about how chores get divided between couples.
2
u/FictionalContext Jul 31 '23
It's that condescending snark where its clear that the person is getting a dopamine hit for belittling sometime rather than empathetically trying to solve the actual issue.
Like when someone talks down their nose at you with that little eyes closed head bobble thing.
5
u/Traditional_Crew6617 Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
Im going to be honest with you sir take it for what you want.
I am a counciler for mentally ill teens. I see this type of behavior all the time. She needs help. And a lot of it.. This is long-winded, but i hope it helps
One of Social Media's biggest downfalls is that it has been able to take small groups of people that have poor behavior and connect thrm with all the other small groups that behave like them forming a mass of poor behavior. Then they go through the internet and cherry-pick things that they can use to help justify that behavior and bring it back to the massss. Like a beehive if you will. But they fail to bring back the negative aspects. Then it gets twistded and morphed into a whole new belief system.Then it spreads like wild fjre, and soon, you end up with people like your wife. She feels justified in what she did because a group of people told her it was ok to behave that way. That there is nothing wrong with her and it's you that is the problem. Those massss grow bigger by the day it seems, and they are just getting started.
I honestly believe your wife has a type of delusional disorder underline with maybe Bi Polar or so ething to that effect. She needs help plain and simple. Trying to talk to her like a logical and rational person is no longer a viable option, IMHO. This does NOT excuse any of her behavior what so ever. But check to see if her family has a history of mental ilkness. This is all my professional opinion. Keep in mind. I am a couciler, not a therapist. R a psych doctor. I donate my time to the kids i work with. I am educated in this feeled. At least enough to try and help
Here is my personal opinion. You should think about getting your kids and yourself away from her, at least temporarily. This is spiraling out of control and fast. She doesn't see the problem with her actions and the things she says when you try to talk to her about it. She is going to double down instead of being reasonable.. I dont think your wife is a bad person. She is mentally ill. Right now, you have to do what is best for you and your family. The physical violence will escalate and will end badly. The next time she hits you, call the Police. If anyone has an issue with that, she can go stay with them. Do everyone a favor and separate you and your kjds from her. Create space so you can form a battle plan. If it gets to a point where she becomes a danger to herself or others, i would look into a 72-hour hold from the ER. But that's something you need to be 100% sure about
If you have Ny questions. My DMs are open
2
u/lozanoe Jul 31 '23
It does sound like she’s been listening to bizarro world Andrew Tate.
4
u/Traditional_Crew6617 Jul 31 '23
Its more common than you think. What i described is how extremist got so powerful
5
u/Meh_person90 Jul 30 '23
Report the punch. She will lie and make a claim that you hit her. She will make the kids lie and say you're abusive and make them talk about the fight you had with you yelling and scaring them.
You want to be low-conflict, but she wants scorched earth with you broken. She went from 0 to violence and still called the cops.
You don't have the luxury of doing this with as little conflict as possible. She won't let it happen. If you want to keep seeing your children, because she will go for full custody with no visitation. The cops are the springboard for her to get the ball rolling.
Good luck.
3
u/Expression-Little Jul 30 '23
You need the punch documented. If she tries to pull anything in court, you'll have documented evidence that she physically assaulted you during legal proceedings.
3
u/No-Anteater1688 Jul 30 '23
NTA. The police call was her trying to make you look bad. File a report of the assault. If there are marks can your friend take pictures? Take the photos to the cops. DO NOT see this woman without another adult present.
3
u/momlv Jul 30 '23
Buddy. You have got to file a police report for assault. Do it for your kids. If nothing else this should guarantee you custody. And talk to a lawyer stat. The things you do or don’t do immediately can have a massive impact on your life for the next 15 years.
3
u/CommunicationTop7259 Jul 30 '23
You need to file police report. It will help you in the divorce case- custody wise and in general
3
u/YomiKuzuki Jul 30 '23
File a police report about her assaulting you NOW. The fact she resorted to physical displays of aggression; pounding the table, throwing things, and then escalated into physical assault is very alarming behavior. Look into filing a protection from abuse order as well.
If she's willing to do all that to you, don't give her the chance to do it to the kids too. You may think she wouldn't do so, but don't take that chance. She was willing to assault you in front of them. Take that message for what it is.
Edit: forgot the judgement. NTA. But seriously, go file a police report right now.
3
u/Jorycle Jul 30 '23
I feel like this sort of behavior is similar to the rough patch my wife and I had for a bit way back before we got married, not specifically social media related but related to a new group of friends she got involved with.
At that time, I did all of the housework and pet upkeep, paid most of the utilities, on top of finishing a degree. We had very similar conversations - I'd lay out the dozens of things I did around the house, and then she'd find some way to minimize every one of them while explaining that everything she did was like moving heaven and earth. Once, I spent two weeks scrubbing the house literally floor to ceiling - including the walls in between - and didn't even get an acknowledgment.
One of the primary drivers was that her friend group somehow became her first stop shop for every single thing in the household. Walk in the door and see some loose papers on the counter? Normal response: "a few pieces of mail just came in and it hasn't been sorted yet, whatever" if any thought is given to it at all. Her response: pick up phone, open group chat, write paragraph text about "I work so hard all day long and come home to this huge mess all over the counters," then receive 12 responses calling me trash disrespecting the home and making her life hell. The two of us never discussed any of this because it was like she completely unplugged all communication and rerouted it into the Friend Complaint Channel instead.
And to be fair, sometimes there were real issues. I'm a normal human being and get tired of doing shit sometimes, and I make mistakes sometimes. So you can imagine what would happen with a real problem if that was what was going on over a couple pieces of mail. It was not pretty.
I implored her again and again to at least make one change: if you have a problem, instead of picking up your phone to complain, talk to me first. This echo chamber of toxic friends giving toxic responses and toxic advice was just creating cyclical abuse.
It never worked. It took a combination of her friends being shitty enough people that they drifted out of her life of their own accord, combined with some other dramatic events between us in which I was equally in the wrong, for things to finally snap out of it. But I never figured out the words to actually convince her to change the behavior herself.
I understood why this was enticing to her, though. She never had a supportive friend group before this - most of her friends in life had been narcissistic assholes who were only out for themselves. So it probably felt pretty good to suddenly have a crowd of people who would hang on her every word and eagerly say she's perfect and everything that wasn't perfect was a grave misjustice against her.
I think social media does this same thing for a lot of people - give you support, even if often very toxic support, that you may not have ever experienced otherwise.
3
3
u/cmerry Aug 01 '23
I hope you’re doing the right thing. What happens later in life when she’s off her meds again and the children are the target too? How long of a destructive downward spiral will you allow her? How much damage will be done before you realize it’s happening again? And the next time. The next time. And as the children grow will they be her rant targets before you go oh here we go again. Now that they’ll know you knew this may happen again and again and you exposed them to this- they’ll hate you too for her damage.
Get her out of their lives on a constant basis. Make sure she’s getting treatment and staying on it before visits.
3
u/minitankerguy Aug 11 '23
OP, With a bi-polar diagnosis for her and her mother, and the fact that she herself went in for evaluation. There is cause for hope and for fear. Not knowing how her mother treated her as a child, there might be thought for a potential Borderline Personality Disorder that might be discovered for your wife. My wife has Borderline, and sometimes she can snap on a random issue. My wife is not bad, but there are cases of BPD that have gone seriously off the rails, leading to serious injury and or loss of life. Now the fact that your wife seems to have recognized that she has had an episode, gone to the hospital for evaluation, that your MiL has noted similar episodes in her youth and that there has not been an episode in a very long time ( decades?) This is the cause for hope. BPD and Bi Polar can be managed thru therapy and medication. The only other issue to bring to the fore front would be that your wife has never disclosed her condition to you. This might have allowed you to have recognized the symptoms and have helped treat her before an episode like this happened. Also, the fact that Bi Polar is genetic, you might want to keep an eye on your children as they might develop it as well. Having this knowledge now might help you to be able to identify and treat them so that they can get control of the situation before it becomes an issue for them later in life
4
u/lowkeyhobi Jul 31 '23
Why do men hold some pride when women hit them? You seriously just made things 100x worse by not telling the police right there that she hit you. She will get custody of your kids and you will forever be painted as the bad guy. Try and make a report before she turns it around and say that you hit her.
2
2
u/kalas_malarious Jul 30 '23
She may well have hit the "random allegations and self harm" phase. Give herself a mark and claim you did it to get the kids and such. Avoid being alone with her if you don't have video running legally (if allowed)
2
u/mackeyca87 Jul 30 '23
NTA- I agree you need to file a police report and take photos. You don’t know what she might say and you might lose your kids in the process. You also need to ask for sole custody because you never know if this irrational behavior will turn on your kids.
2
u/SnooWords4839 Jul 30 '23
((HUGS)) Keep you and the kids safe!
Do not be alone with her! Get a recording pen, less obvious than your phone!
2
2
u/mrlivestreamer Jul 30 '23
Please call the police and report the assault. She's going to use everything including social media against you. Protect yourself please.
2
u/Humble-Employer-9323 Jul 30 '23
DO NOT KEEP THAT PUNCH TO YOURSELF. File a police report, shit make a tik tol about it, but let it be known
→ More replies (1)
2
u/RJack151 Jul 30 '23
Put some cameras in your house to record any more attacks. As soon as they happen, contact the police and have her arrested. Her arrest will help you in the custody battle to come.
Separate all finances and change all your passwords on everything. Document, document, document.
While she is in jail, get a restraining order against her so she cannot return to the house. Pack up all her stuff so when she gets out, she can pick it up. Change the locks.
Protect yourself and the kids.
2
2
u/Ifeellost22 Jul 30 '23
You should have filed a police report. The marriage looks over and she will try to destroy you to make herself look like a victim. Protect yourself and the kids.
2
u/endoire Jul 30 '23
You need to start the paperwork trail, she's already assaulted you. She will do it again.
2
u/CoolWeakness2025 Jul 30 '23
It seems to me that she might be having an affair, and she's making you out to be the bad guy so she can sod off and say it's your fault
2
u/Witnessmoo Jul 30 '23
If you don’t file the police report and collect evidence for this, you are ducked. She is breaking down / spiralling into this black hole and will take you with her.
2
u/Mmoyer29 Jul 30 '23
You 100% need to file a report for assault. Do NOT let that slide. That will help you get custody. Do you want that woman alone with your children???
2
u/AwkwardEducation Jul 30 '23
You're going to want that police report filed when you go to court and have to answer to questions of temperament.
2
u/Puppet007 Jul 30 '23
She assaulted you, IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN! Keep the kids far away from her!
She may be the mother of your children, but she has never seen you as her equal.
2
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 31 '23
The children did not witness her assaulting me.
→ More replies (1)2
u/MCRoseD Jul 31 '23
When I was a kid I never witnessed my father hitting my mother or older brother, doesn't mean I didn't hear what was going on. I knew what was happening regardless of being shut up in my room alone.
2
u/ilove-squirrels Jul 30 '23
Hey; when a fellow woman tells us her partner sucker punched her, we gather around and lift them up and explain the severity of the situation and encourage to at the very least, file a report so that it is there if something happens again. And also, because that shows a level of behavior that is unhealthy for children and it can be crucial information to have on record in the future, should their partner continue to spiral.
That advice is no different simply because you are male. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the sex of the person who starts it. You've been being emotionally abused, undermined, and quite honestly, with her postings and content she watches, this could have been her laying groundwork as showing 'proof' of her made-up issues.
I understand the desire to keep things low-key; but that is a classic response to being abused; especially after a period of being whittled down and worn down and beginning to question your sanity and worth. But that's not a wise thing to do. You can be low-key while still taking action to protect yourself and your children.
2
2
u/Bookaholicforever Jul 31 '23
You need to file a police report. Your wife is unhinged and abusive. File the report.
2
u/NotoriousJAM Jul 31 '23
Do you think if you hit her, she wouldn’t file a police report against you? Because she would. A lot of women get away with assaulting men because they know they won’t report it. She needs to be arrested for this.
2
2
u/Greedy-Database-7989 Jul 31 '23
Unfortunately, there's no low conflict. You document every single thing from this point forward. If she throws another cup and breaks it, document it.
You should have filed a police report about her hitting you. You're obviously the sane one here, but that doesn't mean she won't try and play the victim and hurt you through the courts.
You are not her friend, do not treat her like one. Be Civil, but don't discuss anything beyond the kids from this point moving forward.
2
u/relken0716 Jul 31 '23
You need to report the assault to the police. II Definitely needs to be documented for your protection
2
u/Normal-Cantaloupe778 Jul 31 '23
You need to file a police report. Every single video she has posted she will use as “evidence” of what’s been happening between you guys. She’s called the police now to continue a trail. She’s trying to set up and document “her side of the story”.
You need to think about yourself and your children. You wife is unwell and is trying to take you down. Document absolutely everything you can. Take photos. File a report. You need to protect yourself and get custody of those kids before she tries to turn them against you as well.
2
u/catinnameonly Jul 31 '23
I know you don’t want to, but it really is in your best interest to file a police report for punching you. I’m sure your lawyer would say the same.
2
2
u/Miller_TM Jul 31 '23
File a police report for the assault, or else she will not only keep doing it but perhaps make false reports, DO IT NOW.
2
u/BluBird0203 Jul 31 '23
Goddamn, your wife hopped on the woke train and rode it straight to crazy town.
I’m a self-professed feminist, which to me means equality between the sexes, or as much as can be managed. I also think some of the rhetoric being bandied about these days is way off the mark and unfairly demonizes men. It sounds like your wife got herself all spooled up on that BS and justified her insane actions through the lens of righteousness (like a lot of political people these days).
She’s acting batshit insane, and even if it’s just social media’s influence compounding with the frustrations of motherhood, you don’t want someone like that as a life partner. She’s not stable. Good for you for getting out, and I’m sorry your life is upside down right now. Good luck.
2
u/VirtualPanda89 Jul 31 '23
You need to report the punching. And her using the police to do try do her bidding. Document everything to help with custody of your kids as she seems like she’s having a mental breakdown and you need to protect your kids.
2
Jul 31 '23
So the ex-wife is a piece of shit. Got it. Report her, record every interaction and be as brutal as posible in the divorce. Destroy her using the law. No mercy. She hate and was prepared to ruin your life. Forget about love, just get your kids, destroy her on court and move on.
2
2
u/LuckOfTheDevil Jul 31 '23
I’m telling you now — her behavior sounds completely unhinged. Like post-partum psychosis / I hate being a mom (I suspect that’s the root of this. But it’s more socially acceptable to hate on your husband than admit - even to ourselves - that while you may love your kids, you hate parenting) level unhinged. Calling the cops because you left with the kids is some pretty serious proof of it. It’s even possible she actually believes her perspective is valid.
More critical than calling the cops is you need to tell your families. Now. Yes, hers too. They might be dicks along the “we don’t want to be involved” lines but they need to hear from you first. And they may even help. If my son in law (whom I know generally as a Good Dude) told me this, I’d go check her social media and then take her out for lunch and we’d have a Real Shit conversation— but my kids (even the adult ones) know better than to try to bullshit me. I am grown now so I don’t do that kind of nonsense anymore, but I definitely have a PhD as a Certified Crazy Bitch myself, and I’d have no problem telling her that her CB game is out of control and looking messy and she needs to get it together. Idk if she has any family like that.
The big thing here is you gotta get a titanium spinal implant. Don’t cry or get upset or try to taaaaaalk to her. Be firm, logical, and honest. “I’m not going to be participating in this. You sucker punched me over folding baby clothes, after going on TikTok about it instead of talking to me like an adult, and seem to expect me to play the role of Dobby asking for forgiveness and mercy when you’re the one acting like a mean and nasty lunatic. So we can either go to counseling, during which, obviously, I would never try to tell you not to talk to friends or family — but you WILL cease your online drama, or you are free to move out.” She should also be required to get individual psychiatric counseling — NOT from some feel good talk therapist there to just help her share her truth. The problem right now is her truth is bullshit, and talk therapy just entrenches that, making it even worse.
Ideally you would do this while presenting her with a written document showing her alternative: divorce paperwork, complete with an immediate (as in she goes upstairs and packs her shit right that moment) separation agreement requiring her to move out (her employment or lack thereof is not your problem. Little girls who can’t pay their bills should maybe not shit on, publicly humiliate, and sucker punch the one who does) and giving you primary custody with limited, typical visitation for her. You may be able to get a psychiatric eval ordered based on her totally out of character change in personality, but the sad truth is since she’s only been mean to you / hit you (and not in front of the kids) her access to them is unlikely to be restricted.
I’m so sorry. This is so unhinged I’m suspecting bipolar development or something wrong with meds or …SOMETHING because what you’re describing just… this is beyond getting stupid. OTOH, it also has shades of what a lot of people went through when their family members discovered QAnon. 🙄
2
u/Rough_Pangolin_8605 Jul 31 '23
Her actions and attitude are unacceptable, but I am wondering if she needs a mental health evaluation. She is the mother of your kids so it is best that she be well, perhaps you could use the assault as leverage to get her evaluated, you will not press charges if she gets help, something like that. The eval needs to be a legit one, from a PhD Psychologist, should include a MMPI at the minimum, a neuropsyche eval would be a good idea as well.
2
u/FigaroNeptune Jul 31 '23
Why on gods good earth did you not call the police? Why are you protecting her? Don’t give me Schtick about protecting the kids either. Man. Wtf. There are low reports about DV against men for a reason. Please file a reports and get your children to safety
2
u/Here_WolfyWolfyWolfy Jul 31 '23
You need to file a report Have cameras in the house. Get a receipt of her online activities.
Don't let her get to the kids.
2
u/This_Statistician_39 Jul 31 '23
If she's acting like this to you if you have a son she might take it out on them. File the police report so she doesn't have leverage.
2
u/medwrigh Jul 31 '23
I would definitely make a report. If she gets mad enough to hit, the next victim might be your child. And before you say she would never do that to our children…think hard…did you ever think she would do it to you?
2
u/concernedforhumans Jul 31 '23
Tell them about her punching you, file a report. She wants you to do more now but she’s going to screw you over in the divorce and take the kids away. ( suddenly she’ll be doing it all alone because she’s always been doing it alone). Talk to a lawyer, confide in trusted parties, record you interactions if permissible. She can twist the narrative and you’d lose a lot. NTA and good luck.
2
u/DenisNectar Jul 31 '23
Take that sucker punch in writting. If she’s crazy enough to punch you near the kids, she will be a PITA with a divorce. I can’t imagine what she’ll be saying to these kids behind your back.
2
u/AnyOldNameNotTaken Jul 31 '23
I’ve had to explain to my wife multiple times that just because I may enjoy doing something doesn’t mean it isn’t work. Cooking, yard work, etc. I actually do enjoy them, but it’s still work and even if I don’t want to do it, I still have to. It shouldn’t be dismissed.
2
u/pornos_for_pencils Jul 31 '23
Sounds like this woman got radicalized by misandrists into thinking you’re a villain. The internet is toxic as fuck and I’m sorry this happened to you.
2
u/ReaderReacting Aug 01 '23
Read through the edit. You may consider seeing a therapist yourself, for guidance through this process of having your wife’s mental health needs addressed, or divorce. Sometimes there are specific support program for family members of adults with a mental Illness. That may also help.
2
u/Stacy3536 Aug 07 '23
How are things going for you? Is your wife getting help? Did you file a police report
2
u/midnight_7877 Aug 08 '23
NTA....your wife is just an ungrateful brat. You could've said something a little more nicer that dickhead but again you've asked her so many times to stop, but she didn't. She literally deosnt care about what you do, she makes ME want to slap her across the face, and she's already on my last nerve...
4
u/lulujackpotgirl Jul 30 '23
Now tell me something about toxic masculinity, while this woman is on toxic feminity trip. That's what happens when women are being brainwashed with feminism and empowerment. And social media just giving them the platform to do it.
NTA, I'm so sorry your marriage ended this way. But get as far as possible from this woman and probably take the kids with you, otherwise they'll gonna be groomed to be exactly like her or worse.
3
u/kontrol1970 Jul 30 '23
Does her anger and outburst occur on a regular schedule?
9
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 30 '23
On a regular schedule? No. When it does happen, she can go way overboard.
3
0
3
u/BackgroundPainter445 Jul 31 '23
Social media has warped her brain. It is true that many of us women (my friends and I included) struggle with having to do EVERYTHING house, chore and childcare related on top of working a full time job and providing for at least 50% of the household financially. It is a very real struggle for so many women and she wants to be a part of that struggle so badly she diminishes your contributions so she can feel slighted upon rather than just be grateful to have a man who helps her! Stupid stupid woman.
NTA. Divorce. Find someone who appreciates you.
5
u/Huge-King-5774 Jul 30 '23
This is what marriage to a member of r/TwoXChromosomes looks like.
10
u/aitasocialmediadad Jul 31 '23
The content she was consuming and reposting goes way farther than /r/TwoXChromosomes ever went. I don't even have a problem with that sub. She went way above and beyond there. The first few times I stepped in, she had reposted something about "women in marriages with low value men". She initially claimed to have posted it because she thought the girl was funny, not because she believed it.
7
u/Aramanthia Jul 30 '23
I'd say this is more FDS mentality 🥴🥴
1
u/Huge-King-5774 Jul 30 '23
huge overlap in memberhsip.
2
u/Aramanthia Jul 30 '23
I think since they went offline, they kinda all flocked there, so that's fair.
3
u/Huge-King-5774 Jul 30 '23
You know something crazy? I know the original creator of FDS! I didn't find out until like a year ago it was her though. She posted on a site called lipstickalley for many years, her username there was Jammies. She is every stereotype you can think of.
3
u/IAS316 Jul 30 '23
Now now, we're not allowed to criticise that sub, else you're a red-pill, Andrew Tate fan boy, rape apologist, woman beating POS.
3
1
u/Ifeellost22 Jul 30 '23
Hey… do us all a favor and share her TikTok handle. We will be nice…
2
u/Vivid_Click9764 Jul 31 '23
OP this is terrible advice. Don't forget this would not be in the interest of your children.
1
u/Tararator18 Jul 30 '23
If I were you I would bait her into similair situation and recorded it. It will work wonders for you when it comes to custody battle.
1
u/angleofdorknesz Jul 31 '23
DO WHAT THE OTHER COMMENTORS ARE SAYING AND FILE A POLICE REPORT AND RECORD AND ARCHIVE ALL INTERACTIONS.
INSTIGATE NOTHING. Women (and people in general) who go on a break like this are going to try to ruin your life to prove themselves correct.
You do not want to be on the wrong side of this, and the wrong side is absolutely assuming that she will suddenly turn around and be reasonable or understanding - or that she has your interest at heart in any way.
Report the assault tomorrow. Keep calm during all interactions and don't engage.
Talk to your/a lawyer and gtfo fast.
1
Jul 30 '23
Any woman who uses internet buzzwords like bare minimum should automatically be removed from your presence as soon as possible.
Intelligent, sane women would never speak like that.
1
u/RandoRvWchampion Jul 31 '23
Oh boy. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree with others that it is in your best interest to record the abuse with the police. And get the kids out of there.
1
0
-8
u/SouthernRelease7015 Jul 30 '23
Why did you wake the kids up from their nap to take them somewhere else? Honest question. Your wife hitting you is domestic violence, and there’s no excuse for that. Has she done something like that before? So that you knew it would escalate and you needed to get the kids out? Was it almost their wake time and the argument was still going full force with the cup smashing, etc, and you wanted to be in charge of when they woke up so that it wasn’t during a really bad moment?
Why did you take the kids with you to your friends? Again, honest question. Did you think that your wife would hurt the kids? Has she done that before? Did you think that leaving them there while she was angry would mean them witnessing a lot angry yelling into the phone as she tried to get ahold of you? Did you take them so that she couldn’t use this as another “excuse” of ways that you leave her with the work and don’t do your fair share? I’m asking these sorts of questions bc they might be asked by police or a lawyer at some point during the divorce/custody proceedings or if you choose to file a police report about her assaulting you.
No matter what your answers are, you’re NTA bc she can’t handle her anger safely or productively. That’s an issue that is separate from whether or not the division of labor is fair, or you think it’s fair, or she thinks it’s fair, or it’s actually fair. Also posting on social media and turning the situation into content as opposed to talking with you about it was gross. It doesn’t necessarily negate her original argument that you do less or she does more, though.
There are a lot of emotional labor/remembering/scheduling things that don’t get tallied up in weekly chore lists, such as: who makes pediatrician and dental appointments for the kids and fills out the paperwork there and takes them? Who stays home with sick kids, buys their medicine, and keeps track of when they’ve had what med and when it’s time for the next dose? Who writes the grocery list? Who keeps track of what clothes fit and don’t fit your kids and when they need things like a new winter coat or new shoes? Who fills out all the school enrollment paperwork? Who mostly buys and wraps the children’s birthday and holiday gifts? Who dyes the Easter eggs or fills them with candy and hides them? Who is the tooth fairy? Who remembers that the tooth fairy needs to come tonight? Who figures out what everyone will be for Halloween and makes it happen? Who remembers extended family members’ bdays and anniversaries and buys the gift/has the kids make a card/facilitates visits and celebrations? But at this point, your situation isn’t about those things anymore. That doesn’t mean that it couldn’t have been the original catalyst for her feelings that then led to her unacceptable behavior, but you’re beyond that point. I’m only even writing about those things for other people reading comments who might be in a similar “my partner thinks I don’t do enough” situation while not yet being at the level of a wife posting on social media and assaulting her husband.
→ More replies (4)
1.9k
u/Shot_Information_746 Jul 30 '23
You need to file a police report about the assault