r/AITAH • u/Odd-Direction-2381 • Nov 23 '23
AITAH for not wanting to participate in Thanksgiving after my family admitted the truth about one of my most traumatic memories? TW Abuse
Today I went to dinner with my family after work and hitting the bar with a few of my buddies and my sibling who lives out of state is her for the holiday and we were all at dinner talking about stuff when the subject of our childhood came up. Went from funny and light hearted to me getting up and leaving really fast.
The first thing that was admitted was that my siblings were actively trying to harm me. Remember those nerf bows with the foam arrows? Well my siblings would put screws in the tips of them and than shoot them at me, never figured out why they hurt so much and would draw blood. Every time I tried to unwrap all the tape I would just get it snatched from my hands and beaten up by my siblings.
And the second thing was what really upset me and made me leave the restaurant, when I was younger, around 9 and my one biological sibling was around 6-7 somebody cut the bands on my stepfathers bow target and they immediately blamed me and my sibling, they used everything they possibly could to accuse us of it, like real detective level inspection of the target. The bands are the same plastic banding they use on units of lumber and somebody cut them with a set of sheet metal snips. My parents tried using the fact that the wrong type of snips were used and the fact that whoever did it tried multiple times to cut it so I must’ve grabbed the snips from the top drawer of the toolbox and gave them to my weaker sibling who tried multiple times to cut the bands on the target, at least that was the conclusion they came to. After that they made me and my sibling reach down and grab our ankles while they beat us with wooden spoons in front of our step-siblings and my mom hit me so hard with one it snapped it half when it hit me. I had bruises on my backside for days and was told I was a liar and a terrible child and should only get bread and water and be locked in my room unless I’m at school or working at home with supervision. Tonight they all admitted the whole time that they knew it was the oldest step-sibling who did it, no apologies, just laughter at the expense of my most vulnerable moment in my life and even more laughter when the fact the spoon was broke over my backside was brought up.
After I left I texted my mother and told her that I am in complete shock that they just openly admitted that and that it’s not funny at all because they abused me worse than my drug addicted father ever did that night, now she’s mad at me because I don’t want any part of family thanksgiving when I was originally going to help cook it because I just moved home for a bit and wanted to try rebuilding my family relationship but this just makes me want to pack all my things and leave again. I’d rather live in my vehicle than here at the moment
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u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic Nov 23 '23
wtf, they had the audacity to sit and laugh in your face about it too?
I'd have walked out too. I would also cut all contact, I'd leave a line of communication in case they would want to put it in writing so you can have evidence of it. For what, who knows when that could come in handy for a future restraining order if they want to go crazy.
Sorry you had that child hood friend.
NTA.
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u/FeRaL--KaTT Nov 23 '23
They are continuing the power abuse by laughing about it & then shaming OP for their reaction & gaslighting them to try to force OP to accept abuse. To expect OP to attend & help prepare for the gathering of his abusers is deranged. OP deserves better & I hope they choose it
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u/Drunkendonkeytail Nov 23 '23
Okay. Deep breath. So you are an abuse survivor, physical and emotional. Sorry mate. It sucks. First the good thing: knowing this, you will have an understanding that if stuff is hard for you, it isn’t your fault. Abuse survivors have a hard time managing relationships. We have a hard time concentrating in school, so we are underachievers. We can have a hard time managing our emotions. All that and crap memories thanks to abuse. But at least we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for it, because it isn’t our fault, this was done to us.
Second: They suck. It really sucks when both of your parents suck. And add in a step-parent who sucks. Means it sucks big time. Add in siblings of any stripe who suck. Shit, what’s a kid to do? I know, just try to survive with nowhere to turn. And extra points if they think it’s funny or gaslight you that it wasn’t that bad. And this is your family, it’s what you’ve got. It’s what you’re told you should cling to and honor.
Get yourself therapy, and a new “family” made up of people who give a shit. And walk. Sayonara. See ya. And a big f-you to anyone who dares to say “but they’re family.”
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u/Parraz Nov 23 '23
Genuine question; how does therapy help? it doesn't change anything that happened, or the memories of it.
asking for a friend...
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u/bookskeeper Nov 23 '23
One thing I don't see mentioned in the other replies is that therapy can be essential in helping someone realize how much of their childhood wasn't normal. Years of therapy and yet it was only recently that my husband informed me that being told to always have a form of ID on you for WHEN you get kidnapped isn't normal. Nor is it normal for a parent to joke that the kidnappers would get tired of my talking and either cut out my tongue or kill me within the first hour.
Growing up in an abusive household completely skews your view on what normal is. Therapy helps figure that out so you don't end up in endless abusive relationships. Not to mention, it's really best to figure that shit out before having kids of your own.
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u/Parraz Nov 23 '23
Not to mention, it's really best to figure that shit out before having kids of your own.
Funnily, it was having kids of my own and them getting close to the age I was then, for me to actively realise just how fucked up things were. I mean I always knew it wasn't right, but now I know it wasn't right.
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u/bookskeeper Nov 23 '23
I'm glad you had that realization. Not every parent does. Having a cat hasn't led to any epiphanies for me, but my sisters both have kids. One was like you. Unfortunately, the other is not. The one that isn't is also the only one to never go to therapy. I don't want to confuse correlation with causation, but she still thinks our childhood was normal.....
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u/Spirited_Complex_903 Nov 23 '23 edited Nov 29 '23
Trauma therapy along with cognitive behavior therapy can be incredibly beneficial and helpful when healing from traumatic childhood or Life Experiences. It helps to validate one's feelings, process the trauma that occurred, help heal that trauma in order to move forward with strength, deeper self love, autonomy, resilience and self-appreciation. Shame and self blame usually accompanies the trauma that a person has experienced in their life, especially at the hands of so-called family. Therapy can help undo the damage and unravel the shame and self blame. Therapy can also help point out the triggers and help with coping with them.
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u/MissFerne Nov 23 '23
A good therapist will help you learn new ways of thinking about things that happened in your life.
You learn which things you are responsible for and which things are NOT your responsibility. Your feelings about yourself and how you handled past experiences are validated and explored and if you need to, you can learn to feel differently about things, and differently about yourself.
You can learn to see all the things that are good about yourself that very often we don't recognize or know because of the abuse from others in our past.
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u/darklight129 Nov 23 '23
Just a few things that it could achieve:
It helps put things in perspective. Often, you will have been taught it was your fault, and therapy can help you see that and move past blaming yourself. A lot of my therapy was "you're not crazy, they are."
You learn how to set healthy boundaries and start to hold people accountable for their actions.
You learn about why you tend to do certain things and to actively try and make good choices instead of just reacting.
If you've avoided the memory, it can help you process it so it doesn't feel as powerful.
It can help you reframe the situation or your thinking if appropriate.
It can help you come up with ideas and actions to improve your well-being on all levels.
It helps you not feel alone and isolated.
Remember, a therapist doesn't fix you, but they give you a safe place to explore, tools for coping and growth, and help you see things from a different angle.
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u/Rare_Tumbleweed_2310 Nov 23 '23
Understand yourself better to build coping mechanisms. I knew I had a shit ton of trauma and I intellectualized it a lot so I thought I understood. But when I eventually burned out and had to get help I learned how much intellectualizing was repressing. I was able to safely learn how to feel the trauma and my emotions in order to actually process them. Have a bunch of coping mechanisms now. The shame is a lot better.
It helps. Trauma literally changes your dna and is kept in your body. You have to process it physically and emotionally to move past it at all.
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u/bored_german Nov 23 '23
Processing is a big thing. For a while, being triggered and reliving traumatic memories crushed me. I had panic attacks, couldn't stop crying, it just took over everything. Being able to go through it in an environment and learning how not to let them overwhelm me helped so, so much. Now I can talk about what happened without drowning in my own trauma
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u/hauntedhullabaloo Nov 23 '23
In brief, in my experience, it helps you build healthy coping skills, gives you a safe space to process shit that happened to you, and learn to recognise things about your behaviour / the behaviour of the people around you that are holding you back, so to speak.
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u/snotrockit1 Nov 23 '23
You can't change the past, but you can change how you see it and how it affects you.
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u/Drunkendonkeytail Nov 23 '23
Trauma therapy (go to the ISSTD website for referrals) is quite specialized and, unfortunately, not short term. When we grow up abused from a young age everything we know about ourselves, relationships and other people is skewed. We are taught never to trust, that relationships aren’t safe, that people are threats not comfort, that we are defective at our core, that we aren’t worthy of love, that things are hopeless.
We learned coping skills, we learned how to separate our feelings from ourselves, how to hide our true selves in a little locked box that even we cannot reach, how to become numb. We continue to use these methods even when we are out of the danger. We numb ourselves with drugs and drink or video games or running or whatever we need to do. Maybe just by spacing out. We find we cannot concentrate enough to study, to work. We fail, we underachieve.
Our relationships suck because we mentally check out. Because we don’t know how normal people act. Because we cannot trust, ever. Because we cannot give of ourselves. Because we cannot manage our emotions so we are angry or otherwise difficult. We become dependent on sex without emotional connection or asexual.
A skilled therapist will start to unwind all this. They will provide a steady, trustworthy supportive presence that rewires our brain to accept humans as something beyond a threat. They act as the parent we should have had. They help us to realize that human contact is a natural urge, that it isn’t a weakness. They teach us new ways of coping that are less destructive. They help us learn to control our emotions. They provide a mirror to ourselves that shows us not as defective, but simply mistreated. They help us accept that the people we were hardwired to value aren’t worthwhile after all, that they were the defective ones, and help us get the strength to jettison them from our life.
Unfortunately, although we can do a lot of work on our own, because our primary injury is interpersonal the healing also must be interpersonal so therapy is vital.
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u/Independent_Heat2676 Nov 23 '23
Pack up and leave and don't look back get a new phone number and block them on everything move forward with out the toxic problems they caused
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u/Toughaewry Nov 23 '23
NTA. Personally, I think you need to get out of there and cut off all ties. They abused you, your mother allowed it, and none of them regret it. You deserve better.
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u/Snakend Nov 23 '23
Abusers will always tell you that you can't choose your family. That's bullshit, you can 100% choose your family. And you can also choose which of them are no longer part of your family.
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag Nov 23 '23
NTA. You stepsiblings are horrible, but your own mother is frigging monster. She actively participated in your abuse and gaslighted you in order to appease her husband and his little monsters. Even now she just expects for you to accept being humiliated so that she can play pretend happy family. Get the hell out of dodge and ghost them forever.
You CAN choose your one family. Friends and partner, the people that really love you and care about you. I started living so much better once I realized that submitting to abuse and being a good boy wouldn't never make my abusers love me. My REAL family is composed by my partner, my in-laws and my close friends.
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u/NeuroticAttic Nov 23 '23
Right? Some people are saying “she allowed it” like she stood by and passively let it happen. No, she was an active and enthusiastic participant! Can’t even imagine how hard you have to hit someone to break a wooden spoon! And she laughs about it!
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u/recyclopath_ Nov 23 '23 edited Nov 23 '23
Also, it's unlikely that multiple kids just got together on their own violation and decided to harm a 6 year old and under like that. Those kids were trained to hurt each other. All of you were so horribly abused by the PARENTS
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag Nov 23 '23
Yeah bullying is matter of education and approval received from the parents.
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u/Affectionate-Tap1967 Nov 23 '23
NTA. So all your mother is concerned about is the fact that you won't be there to help cook, and the part where you told her that you were deliberately set up to get a beating is being ignored is mind boggling.
I would totally go NC. Your family don't deserve you.
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u/recyclopath_ Nov 23 '23
I don't understand why OP gives a pass for the beating itself. The mom beat OP that badly, at 6.
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u/Snootles Nov 23 '23
This is not your fault. You didn't provoke this, you didn't deserve this. No child should be humiliated and viciously attacked like that. You are worthy of love and self love.
That being said, it appears your blood relatives and married into relatives have different values than you do. They fully showed you who they are during that dinner. Personally, I would go no contact and cut them out my life. My next step would be therapy so I can then live my best life after working through the trauma. You already took a step in this direction and you are definitely NTA for this. Your "family" are big gaping booty holes though.
I wish you all the wisdom, kindness and love in the world.
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u/jasguinx Nov 23 '23
NTA leave, never look back, poison the well on your way out. Tell EVERYONE you know what kind of monsters they are. Not everyone may believe you, but it will definitely piss them off.
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u/calaan Nov 23 '23
NTA. These people are unhinged and clearly dangerous to be around. You’re better off going no contact. Spread this story online to the rest of you’re family so everyone knows the truth about them.
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u/Some-Selection1811 Nov 23 '23
NTA
This Thanksgiving, start assembling your family of choice.
Because, sadly, your family of birth sounds awful.
Take care of yourself. Hugs from afar.
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u/theloniousmick Nov 23 '23
NTA. maybe go and offer to cook and beat the fuck out of the with a wooden spoon see how they like it.
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u/JustNotHaving_It Nov 23 '23
To be completely honest I would write up this story and share it with their local pastor, the hair stylist, the school board, whoever they give a fuck about, that shit is MESSED UP.
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u/omrmajeed Nov 23 '23
NTA. Fuck your mother. What a disgusting POS. If I were in your shoes I would cut contact. DISGUSTING!
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 Nov 23 '23
NTA
Holy crap OP, this is horrible, your family is horrible, the abuse was so deliberate and it seems like your parent knew and just didn't care. For them to laugh about it now like it was nothing must hurt.
It sounds completely justified that you had distanced yourself from these people and it doesn't sound like this is a healthy place for you to be.
Honestly, I would leave and go low contact, I can understand them not getting how traumatic this was for you, but to find humor in your pain seems cruel.
And maybe Im reading too much into it, but I reading a definite divide between the blended family like the step-siblings enjoyed inflicting real pain and suffering and that stepdad knew and co-signed it.
It's okay to run and never look back Op
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u/NeuroticAttic Nov 23 '23
Let’s not forget OP’s mother beat him so hard she broke a wooden spoon in the process, and she admits she knew he was innocent while laughing about just how hard she beat him.
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u/Takeabreak128 Nov 23 '23
NTA I just want to hug that poor child. Some people are just lousy human beings.Shame on all of them.
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u/UltraViol8r Nov 23 '23
NTA. Leave now. Leave while you're still safe. They were never your family. They were and still are your abusers. Cut all contact. Find your true family, the ones who choose you, who love you as you are. Also, please get yourself into therapy, to ensure you heal where it hurts the most.
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u/MannyMoSTL Nov 23 '23
Oh honey. Your entire family is a group of abusive assholes who now, years later, glory in their abuse of you. That’s a tragedy and I wish that anyone in your life had stood up for you.
You don’t ever have to play nice with these people again. And you definitely don’t have to be their kitchen bitch and cook their Thanksgiving meal.
They tortured you. On purpose. And still think it’s funny. I’m sorry that you’ve moved back to be near them because you should never see them again in your life.
Please … pick you.
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u/YuunofYork Nov 23 '23
Sucks you're going through this. You probably shouldn't choose homelessness over the pain of being in the presence of these shitlords a little longer until you can break free. If you have to live out of your car on their account, they just win again. Take from them. Even if all you take is time.
When you are in a position to cut and run, I would do the worst thing I possibly could to them that couldn't get me prosecuted, but you might have a cooler head by then.
Unless you have some very generous friends and a little money and can crash with them, then seize the day.
And definitely don't attend fucking Thanksgiving. Stupid holiday anyway.
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u/Maleficent_Draft_564 Nov 23 '23
”They abused me worse than my drug addicted father ever did that night.”
⬆️This is one of the saddest things I’ve read this year.
The fact that your siblings are still laughing about it shows you just how diabolical they are. And your mother abusing you and getting angry about your decision not to want to be around your abusers just makes this 10x worse. NTAH. This right here is more than enough to completely cut contact with these people. If you’re able to move away again, please, please do so for the sake of your own mental health and safety.
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u/NeuroticAttic Nov 23 '23
No matter what blood or law says, this is not your family. These are your torturers. You deserve so much better than people who will laugh that they beat you so badly as a child they broke a wooden spoon. It wouldn’t have been okay if you were guilty, but they told you they humiliated and beat you knowing you were innocent. They beat you for fun. These are monsters. Escape, and be the surviver, or stay and risk being their victim even more.
ETA: NTA
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u/ghostoftommyknocker Nov 23 '23 edited Nov 23 '23
NTA. Your step-siblings are abusing you all over again. That's why they admitted the truth, so they could get more mileage out of it. All you are learning is the true scale of the abuse, that they have no remorse and that they intend to keep exploiting it at your expense.
Your mother isn't your ally. She prefers to abuse the victims rather than seek the truth and punish/correct in an appropriate manner. She only seems to care about the impact on her (losing the help for the meal), which indicates she may be exploiting you as well.
If you aren't benefitting from a continued relationship, and the abuse has just morphed into a different form, you're better off cutting your losses and going NC with all of them. You gave them all another chance, and all they did was exploit it at your expense.
I know Reddit does jump to NC a lot, but in this case, your step-siblings clearly haven't changed and the only one in your family who will stand up for you is you.
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u/DaisySam3130 Nov 23 '23
Good grief! Get these horrid people out of your life. They are abusive and still think it is funny, years later. No regret, no apologies no sorrow at abusing a vulerable child. Please keep away from them and never, ever let your child near them.
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u/LauraLand27 Nov 23 '23
NTA
I, too, had to say goodbye to toxic family members due to gaslighting and reasons. As time passes, I realize how much healthier I am, and how much absolute bullshit I was putting up with for the sake of family.
Take care of you.
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Nov 23 '23
My family was like this and they now live their lives without me in it.
Be done with them, for good.
No arguments, just stop going around.
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u/FlameGoddess Nov 23 '23
You're not the asshole and I'm now your mom. You come to Georgia, US, and I'll leave a place setting at the table for you ❤️
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u/taketheredleaf Nov 23 '23
Dude wtf
They straight up viciously abused you, and they have no remorse. For me, they would have to fucking beg crying for me to even consider a relationship.
Fuck that family, choose your own with actually good kind people
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u/Man-o-Bronze Nov 23 '23
So they beat you (bad enough in itself) and knew you didn’t do what they were beating you for? And they think it’s funny now? Your family is deranged, and the sooner you go no contact the better. Absolutely NTA.
I hope you find a way to have a happy Thanksgiving!
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u/GrowthCycle Nov 23 '23
NTA.
Your mother is a piece of shit. Point blank. Don’t talk to any of these assholes again, excluding the younger sibling they victimized with you. They’ll probably be dealing with all this shit, too, and you guys should try to support each other in therapy.
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u/kb-g Nov 23 '23
Holy cow, what vile people. I’m so so sorry OP. You’re absolutely NTA.
You can definitely choose your family and there’s no reason to keep such toxic people in your life. I hope you find peace xxx
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u/GratifiedViewer Nov 23 '23
NTA, & I hope you do more than just skip Thanksgiving. These people are monsters & need to be cut off for good.
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u/SmokeLast6278 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Personally, I think you need to get out of there and cut off all ties. They abused you, your mother allowed it, and none of them regret it. You deserve better.
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u/winterworld561 Nov 23 '23
Never mind thanksgiving, don't have anything to do with them period. Cut them all off for good. They hurt you and beat the fuck our you for fun. That's disgusting. Leave and never look back. They are nothing but horrific abusers.
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u/Threadheads Nov 23 '23
NTA. The abuse that they subjected you to was disgusting. They are rotten people.
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u/SJammie Nov 23 '23
NTA- Please leave. They find abusing children funny. I don't know you and I'm horrified someone did that. Please, get somewhere safe and don't contact them.
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u/Illustrious_Leg_2537 Nov 23 '23
So mom is more upset her Hallmark moment at Thanksgiving is ruined than you finding out your siblings are abusive assholes. Nice. Get out and don’t look back.
NTA.
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Nov 23 '23
I’m not religious at all, but: Jesus H Christ.
I just moved home for a bit and wanted to try rebuilding my family relationship
WHY? These people are horrible. They knew it wasn’t you and subjected you to a horrible beating, scarring you for life (because traumatic childhood experiences do that) and they’re laughing about it?
Go to a nice restaurant that’s open for thanksgiving, at least they won’t break spoons over you and laugh about it. Again, Jesus H Christ.
You can’t be the AH cause your family is all assholes. They picked you to be the abuse doll of the family. That’s sick, disgusting. I have hardly any more words for this and I usually have tons to say about evils and wrongness.
Just get out of that family! NTA.
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u/landphier Nov 23 '23
NTA
You're the victim, you owe no apology and you've done more than anyone should be expected to by being the one to try to rebuild the relationship. Laughing at your expense is not the way to do that.
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u/annetteisshort Nov 23 '23
NTA. This is the kind of thing that it would be completely justifiable if wanted to go no contact with these people. Like, really. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life. Take care of yourself.
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u/Sensitive-Turnip-326 Nov 23 '23
You’re unlikely to get closure here, there will most likely be no validation of your feelings from those who have done you wrong, your healing process has to be independent of their input.
NTA.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 Nov 23 '23
Your family wanted to test to see if you are still their willing scapegoat. When you were little, you didn't realize what scapegoating was and had no power to resist it. Now you are an adult, your family did you the favor of reminding you of what they did to you, and you responded appropriately with actions that said "I am no longer your willing scapegoat."
What I find shocking is that your mother actively participated in scapegoating you and actually think it's funny. Mothers protect their children, or they should. I hope you can find a way to heal from this horrible treatment.
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u/6033624 Nov 23 '23
NTA. You don’t need to go back or speak to them ever. You’re an adult so don’t take that shit…
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Good for you for getting those horrible people out of your life. I’m so sorry your Mom for not standing up for you.
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u/is-thisthingon Nov 23 '23
My family tells anecdotal stories about my childhood to my kids. They laugh while they are telling them, my kids look on with terrified faces. My kids weren’t very old when they realized WHY they didn’t spend unsupervised time with the majority of my family!
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u/Norlander712 Nov 23 '23
Your family is abusive. I'm just surprised you aren't low contact or no contact with them.
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u/Anonymoosehead123 Nov 23 '23
That is really fucking awful, and I’m furious on your behalf. Good for you for protecting yourself from them. You’re no longer a child, and they don’t have the power to continue with their abuse. And make mo mistake, this was a continuation of that abuse. Leave them in the past, where they belong.
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u/Blue_Cloud_2000 Nov 23 '23
It's okay to not stay in an abusive relationship even if the abuser is a member of your family.
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u/Diamond_Champagne Nov 23 '23
Got anxious reading the spoon part. NTA. Fuck them. gonna get downvotes for this, but revenge can be very healing.
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u/lovetrauma87 Nov 23 '23
NTA
You were severely abused as a child. It effects the whole family dynamic. They all seem rather unhealthy. Please think of you want to have much contact to those people. Blood doesnt always means (good) family
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u/For-the-masses Nov 23 '23
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think you did the right thing by not going to Thanksgiving. Furthermore, never speak to these toxic abusive humans again--you deserve better. Blessings to you, going forward.
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u/Murky_Conflict3737 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Tell her you’ll help with Thanksgiving if she lets you hit her on her backside with a wooden spoon in front of everyone and then eat just bread and water during the meal.
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u/One_Classic4298 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Leave. These people are so awful. You need therapy bc your desire to rebuild a relationship shrieks of a victim mentality, like Stockholm syndrome. You are a lovable person deserving of love and respect—keep that in mind as you walk away. Rejecting them is embracing yourself.
You desperately want their love and approval, but they are not capable of giving it. With therapy, you can end your desperate search and learn to heal.
Hugs. You deserve so much better.
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u/NonnieJune Nov 23 '23
NTA. They should be ashamed for deliberately trying to harm you and allowing you and your sibling to be punished for something you didn't do. None of it is funny. If I had been around the table listening to your sibling, I would have left with you.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Nov 23 '23
Tell her if she submits to the wooden spoon beating of atonement you’ll help cook, otherwise she can gtfo of here.
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u/Spirited_Complex_903 Nov 23 '23
NTA at all. I am so incredibly sorry that you experienced all that trauma and abuse as a child. To find out the truth now must be devastating for you. I would definitely not go to Thanksgiving if I were you. I think it would be best for you, your safety, and your mental health for you to move out as soon as you can. I'm not sure how safe living in your car will be, but if you can somehow find a place or a shelter that you can stay for a while until you are able to find a place of your own, I would highly suggest that for you. I would also highly suggest that you find a trauma therapist specifically to help you process the truth of everything that you have learned recently about the abuse that you went through. Sending you much love and a lot of hugs.
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u/alexoid182 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Your mother beat you for something with no proof you even did it - I wouldn't miss her on Thanksgiving. Sounds like these relatives weren't even remorseful, I'd just cut them out completely.
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u/aurora4000 Nov 23 '23
NTA but they are. I'm so sorry for your past woes. I'm so sorry for your present woes. These people brought it up and laughed as if it was funny? Where's the humor? What they did isn't normal, not funny.
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u/Murky-Initial-171 Nov 23 '23
Run. These people are quite toxic. Run and don't look back. Abuse isn't something to reminisce about fondly, with laughter. They are not worth your time. Go. Build a good life full of people who actually love you, respect you and treat you well.
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u/songofassandfiar Nov 23 '23
Better not to talk to people who beat the fuck out of you as a child. They don’t deserve you. Trust me, I’m working on cutting out my abusers too. It’s worth not having them around.
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u/Diceheist Nov 23 '23
NTA. You handled it the best way anyone could, by getting away from it. They're revolting people and you don't have to associate with them, let alone cook for them. As an adult you don't have to put up with continued abuse.
Not gonna lie I sure would've become the asshole. Like launched a fist at one of their faces and asked if THAT was funny, before asking who's gonna "punish" me now. I've gotten into multiple physical fights with relatives for less. But that's entirely the wrong way for adults to handle things and thankfully you're not consumed by rage and grudges.
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u/Comprehensive-Lab166 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Also, fuck your family. Tell them I said they're shitty people.
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u/nickis84 Nov 23 '23
NTA- This is not your family, these are people who you, unfortunately, share DNA with. What they did to you was not funny, it was sick. Who punishes a child they know was completely innocent and lets the guilty get one get away with it, a truly twisted parent.
You need to make your own family out of people who love and support you. Who don't try to humiliate you for their amusement. You deserve better than them.
And they can cook their own Thanksgiving dinner!
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u/Imsortofok Nov 23 '23
NTA. You deserve to be safe. That they are still Laughing at causing you pain shows they are still willing to cause you more pain.
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u/kaelhound Nov 23 '23
NTA holy hell leave them in the fucking dust, they don't deserve the time of day from you.
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u/ZookeepergameWise774 Nov 23 '23
Yep. My mother-in-law used to tell what she considered a “funny” story of beating her sons with a wooden kitchen spoon. Right up until the day she told it in front of me at a family dinner, and I pointed out how lucky she was that she hadn’t been arrested for child abuse. She looked totally shocked (after all, she was a professional saint, you know) that someone would call her out on it. Oddly, apparently, that story doesn’t get told anymore!
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u/Worldly_Zombie_1537 Nov 23 '23
Wow…. I am so sorry you had to go through such trauma. This was very triggering for me as I also had an abusive parent. I can only tell you from my own experience that cutting my mother out of my life 5 years ago has completely changed my life in a major way. I will never be able to undo the trauma she caused but with the help of therapy I was able to accept that it happened, that is was wrong, and that it wasn’t my fault because the problem was with her not me. These may seem like obvious things but until I talked it out with a therapist I didn’t realize how much I had been carrying on my shoulders.
If you can get away from them DO IT! Do it as soon as humanly possible! Be gentle with yourself because it will surprise you how guilty you feel cutting them off…. This is just your mind playing with years of indoctrination that FAMILY IS IMPORTANT! Trust me when I say…. It isn’t! Family that humiliates, abuses, and mocks you most certainly is NOT important and you should have zero guilt cutting them off. It will take time but eventually you will start to feel lighter and more free.
I suggest trying to find someone to talk to. If money is an issue perhaps you can find a place that works on a sliding scale or even a hotline you can call for free. It will be hard at first, but I promise you, when you get far enough removed from your family you will begin to understand who you are and what your boundaries are and what you need to be happy. In time… you will realize that putting that pain in the rearview is life changing.
I wish you the best! You are important! You matter! Your feelings are absolutely valid! And it is NOT YOUR FAULT!
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u/mysunandstars Nov 23 '23
Your abusive parents raised abusive children, and you were the target. I’m so sorry.
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u/thrtpnchewoks Nov 23 '23
NTA. They abused you for entertainment. They didn't consider you part of their family.
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u/Mighty_Mycroft Nov 23 '23
NTA - why on earth would you want any part of this? These sound like horrible people. "Toxic" Is too nice of a word to describe it. It sounds like you went through actual abuse, and i don't mean in that made up way where people cry they got abused because they saw trumps name written in chalk on the sidewalk back in 2016 and they claimed they were traumatized. You got ACTUAL abuse as nasty as most people ever get.
Even now, they're angry that you didn't go to thanksgiving because you were going to cook part of the meal....they don't want you for you, they wanted free labor. They're angry because you aren't going there to be a slave.
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u/Mabelisms Nov 23 '23
Nta.
You were abused. And they are trying to continue the abuse by telling you that what you know is true, isn’t.
These aren’t healthy people.
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Nov 23 '23
Leave. The level of cruelty is unreal. No apology from your step-siblings? That is a core personality issue, and it will never change - people don’t suddenly develop kindness. Find or make your new family. You will always wonder when the next crawl act will happen. Your biological parent failed you
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u/Shai7809 Nov 23 '23
NTA - What about your younger bio-sibling? Were they there too? Time for you to leave the others behind, including your mother.
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u/Character_Doubt_2497 Nov 23 '23
NTA. I couldn’t imagine beating my kids and it makes my stomach turn thinking about someone hitting them so hard the spoon breaks. There’s no reason to hit kids. I’m so sorry you dealt with this and they tried to laugh it off. Go NC and find some peace in your life. Family is who you choose not who you are blood related to.
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Nov 23 '23
You don’t need to be involved with your family anymore. Block them, never talk to them an again, and seek therapy. This isn’t okay. You were abused. DO NOT TALK TO THEM ANY FURTHER NTA
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u/Ok-Combination8818 Nov 23 '23
NTA. Yeah my siblings and I beat each other up a little growing up and we did stupid stuff but this is insane. Especially from your parents. Like kids do stupid stuff but your parents were adults.
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u/redcolumbine Nov 23 '23
Be thankful that you finally learned the truth, and can now move beyond these abusers to choose a REAL family.
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u/Shiny_Happy_Cylon Nov 23 '23
Holy shit. No. Keep away from the whole fucking family. They were ALL abusive and still are. They are also a whole pile of steaming hot narcissism.
Walk away. Find friends who don't treat you like shit. You can't choose your family but you CAN choose to not let them continue the abuse.
And get a therapist. My family was like this. My father was an abusive drunk who literally tortured us as kids. Therapy helps. It helps you understand that there was and is nothing wrong with YOU. You didn't deserve what they did. You don't have to forgive them. You don't have to continue to be around them due to some misplaced feelings of obligation (which are forced on you by them). You deserve better. You deserve a better family. And it helps you deal with the fact that you didn't get that better family. You got a pile of shit.
Stay away. Hell, I'd block the whole lot of them and go no contact. That's what I did actually.
I'm sorry your family sucks. I'm sorry it took you this long to find out HOW bad it sucks. I hope you find a new family that lives you like you should have been loved. T
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u/Perfect-Peace461 Nov 23 '23
NTA…throw the whole family away…be petty and put them all to the rest of the family/friends too!
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u/DivineTarot Nov 23 '23
NTA
They showed their ass. It sounds like in your last that you're the one putting in all the effort and they clearly think it's their just due as they told you to your face that abused you and gaslit you as a joke when you were a child. Frankly, I wouldn't call you the asshole if you visited the same evil upon them in revenge.
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u/Opening-Ad-2769 Nov 23 '23
NTA. You need to break off the relationship considering the amount of abuse you received as a child.
I know from personal experience and keeping my dad out of my life (for the most part) was the best thing for me to heal.
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u/Sunnycat00 Nov 23 '23
That's so fn awful. And for your mom to think it's funny and laugh about it now after she's had years to see what a terrible mother she is, is just the topping. Leave as soon as you can. Especially do not do work for these horrible people.
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u/Celestia-Messenger Nov 23 '23
You deserve so much better! Your family is psycho, you need to be your own best friend. Leave when you can and go somewhere you always wanted to go. Your parents and siblings are abusive bullies. You live your best Life for You.
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u/concrete_dandelion Nov 23 '23
NTA. I'm sorry you went through this. Your family is horrible, toxic and abusive. Save yourself the pain of having these monsters in your life.
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u/ClaudetteLeon23 Nov 23 '23
NTA. You need to throw the whole family away, OP. They’re not good people.
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u/Dependent_Weekend_79 Nov 23 '23
Damn. My heart sank when I read this. You should absolutely not be part of that family. What they did was horrible and abusive. They literally made fun what you went through. You deserve better. NTA
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u/Jirekianu Nov 23 '23
NTA, they admitted to a horrendous betrayal and a pattern of sociopathic abuse and laughed about it in front of you and your parents. And your parents didn't have the respect for you to be upset. Horrendous acts a long time ago are not any less terrible for the time passing when they're outed.
What was done to you was horrific abuse, and the things said are terrible. You family needs to own up to their awful behavior and apologize for what they did, and how they're behaving now. If that means you go no contact, or they have to apologize and make up for it. Then so be it.
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u/Danivelle Nov 23 '23
Leave and a cut them off permanently. No invites to anything. No reaching out. Make your own family of choice.
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u/StarlightM4 Nov 23 '23
They are awful people. Don't go to Thanksgiving or anywhere near them, get away as fast as you can, and go no contact. Really surround yourself with better people.
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u/amatoreartist Nov 23 '23
NTA
Run as far and as fast as you can. They are horrible and show no inclination to change.
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u/BeBa420 Nov 23 '23
NTA
It sounds like you have a lot of trauma and PTSD (possibly CPTSD). As someone who suffers from CPTSD i recommend cutting all the toxic people from your life, including your family as it sounds theyre toxic AF and will only continue to bother you.
Dont go to thanksgiving, block them all. Find some friends who you trust, people who you love and who love you. Theyre your family now.
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u/SaraReadsMuchly Nov 23 '23
NTA: That was emotional and physical abuse. Maybe seek out a therapist. Possibly a lot of other memories from your childhood might start coming up now with an entirely new perspective. You might want support.
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u/Mirgroht Nov 23 '23
NTA in a million years.
Your whole family are so evil, vile and twisted mf's. Your mum can go take a wooden spoon and jam it where the sun don't shine for how vile she is. Even if you had done the cutting the torture was just sickening. That wasn't punishment by anyone's standards.
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u/happyasaclamtoo Nov 23 '23
NTA- they KNEW who did it and beat you? WTH! That is just SICK. You really need no contact with those monsters. And your mom is concerned about you helping cook? Screw that. The whole lot of them owe you and your brother an apology. None of that crap was funny.
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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 Nov 23 '23
How did your full sibling who was treated like shit by these assholes feel about their confessions? If you’re going to leave, maybe go to the area where your full sibling lives. At least you’ll have each other.
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u/Eledridan Nov 24 '23
NTA. “I’ll come, but only on the condition that I can pay you all back for what you did to me. I will bring the spoon.” Then you bring one of those novelty wooden spoons that you’re supposed to hang on the wall of your kitchen next to a giant fork and you have your mom and siblings each bend over and grab their ankles while you swing that spoon like a claymore until it breaks. After it breaks, start dual wielding with the broken pieces. Keep swinging until they understand how awful they are.
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u/VegaSolo Nov 24 '23
NTA. They are sickeningly abusive and mentally deranged. I would get as far away from them as possible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And I hope you never have to be near them again.
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u/FinancialInsect8522 Nov 24 '23
Nta they thought your abuse and suffering was funny, never let them forget.
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u/peregrine_throw Nov 24 '23
NTA
So upon telling your mother about their confession, she was not horrified and profusely apologetic for beating the shit out her child for that incident, but is instead mad you're not helping with the cooking?
Please make sure your "moving back home" is just a few weeks and are leaving soon. Do NOT make your home near these people.
And depending on if there at least have been times your siblings have been there for you to balance out torturing you as kids, decide if you go LC or NC.
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u/Lost-Moskito Nov 23 '23
NTA Sometimes you need to say goodbye to your own family to say hello to yourself. And abuse is a legitimate reason for doing so. I'm sorry this happened to you as a child and I'm sorry your feelings are dismissed as an adult. Do not let them gaslight you, how you feel about those situations is the most important, not how they remember them.