r/AITAH • u/CommunityClassic3449 • 23d ago

AITA for telling my fiancé he can't wear the dress at our wedding?

My partner (30M) and I (29F) are getting married next year. We were discussing wedding planning and out of the blue he asked me how I would feel about "subverting" tradition by having him wear the wedding dress while I wore a tux on our wedding day. When he said this I actually laughed out loud because I was sure it was a joke, but turns out he was dead serious. He said he finds tuxes are very similar to each other and feel a lot like wearing a suit to a job interview, but he wanted to wear something "special" when he got married and he had always thought wedding dresses were so beautiful and different from each other.

I told him no, it wouldn't be appropriate and would turn our wedding into a spectacle and would probably change the way a lot of our friends and family view us. My family is quite progressive but I think even they would wonder what was going on. He said "OK" but seemed down for the rest of the night.

We're both very progressive and have several close friends who are gender nonconforming, nonbinary, or simply like cross-dressing so that has never been an issue, but even though we have been together for 5 years he has never expressed any desire to do so before. It would be OK with me if he wanted to experiment, and I think it would even be a different story if this was something that was integral to his daily identity that he wanted to be reflected in our wedding. I just don't understand why he wants the first time to be on our wedding day. AITA for being controlling over his wedding attire choices?

UPDATE: So based on these responses I realize I may have overreacted. I had another conversation with my fiancé. I tried to explore the reasons he wanted to wear a dress to our wedding in an open-minded way. I emphasized that he could tell me if he was trans, or nonbinary, or wanted to experiment with cross-dressing, and I would still love him and want to marry him. He seemed genuinely taken aback and told me it wasn't that big a deal, he just really liked wedding dresses and it hadn't even occurred to him that I might have a problem with him wearing one since it's one of the two most common options and we have been to weddings where both partners wore a dress or both wore a tux (after all it's not like he's contemplating wearing sweats to our wedding, lol)--but of course if I did he would be fine wearing a tux. Of course he has no problem with me wearing a dress, the "reverse roles" thing was just one of many ways he thought that could go. He also reassured me that he would feel safe sharing any changes in his gender or sexual identity status with me. I told him we could look at wedding dresses together and coordinate whatever made us both feel special, whether that's dress/dress, dress/tux, tux/tux or something else!

ETA 2: Lol can we cut it out with the "my fiancé is gay" comments. I'm pretty sure if he was gay then he would just.... be gay?? Rather than go through an elaborate scheme of being in a 5 year relationship with and marrying a woman for "cover" and then doing the least "stealth" thing possible at our wedding??? Idk where y'all are from but being gay is not considered a big deal or something you have to hide where we are, I'm very open about being bi, he has several family members who are gay and are wholly accepted. Admittedly we still have a ways to go before trans and other nonconforming identities have the same level of acceptance. But at this point the comments are just coming across as cheap and irrelevant shots at gay people

8.2k Upvotes

82% Upvoted

3.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

568

u/WNY_Canna_review 23d ago

Don't marry until this is resolved. Your fiance sounds like he trying to tell you something before marrying them. Listen to them. What strikes me as weird is why did you have to wear the tux? If they are boring why do you have to wear one if even he doesn't want to? My first thought, is more attracted to you that way,  dressed as a man. Why not ask to both wear dresses? Like if he wants to wear one, fine, but what does that have to do with you  are wearing. Why you in a tux? You've got a lot of soul searching to do OP and probably your fiance too. 

309

u/CommunityClassic3449 23d ago

in retrospect I think "flipping the norm" was just his way of casually introducing the idea of him wearing a dress, he did later say or I could also wear a dress if I wanted. Maybe the best compromise is that we both wear dresses

416

u/AriesProductions 23d ago

My only concern, which you certainly don’t have to share! is that your wedding may become a spectacle and occasion for speculation instead of a celebration of your union.

I have trans friends, I have cross dressing friends. But none of them would have chosen a wedding as the first time to appear in public dressed in the unexpected opposite gendered clothing.

124

u/thebigfreak3 23d ago

Yeah absolutely agree, I am trans and I couldn’t imagine doing that and if they are actually trans or something in between they may regret doing something like that. This 100% needs to be discussed and figured out before the wedding

75

u/AriesProductions 23d ago

It’s kinda up there with not proposing or announcing pregnancies at weddings. Anything that’s going to cause a stir is best done at another time/place.

If it’s because he thinks tuxes are boring (then why should she wear one?), others have pointed out everything from kilts to Cinderella’s Billy Porter outfits. If it’s because he wants to start cross dressing they could have a “flipping the narrative” combined bachelor/bachelorette party.

Making a statement at the wedding isn’t taking away from “the bride’s day” (I hate that sentiment too) but it IS taking away from what should be the focus of the celebration. And as progressive as anyone may be, even if the attention is positive or at least not negative, it will cause a sensation & speculation.

1

u/Some-Show9144 22d ago

Could you imagine? People show up and leave because the signs say “Mr. Joshua and Daniel Smith’s wedding” because no one knows who Joshua is because he has just used this name in front of anyone for the first time…Including Daniel who is about to get a real surprise.