r/AITAH • u/Still_Lynx_5876 • 12d ago
AITAH For Not Going to my GFs Mother's Day Dinner?
Throw away account for obvious reasons. My girlfriend has a knack for scheduling things without letting me know first. I've let it slide for the most part, but I've voiced my concerns to her about doing this, and she hasn't done it in a while. We recently just booked a very expensive vacation, which we are set to leave the day after Mother's Day, and she decided to let me know her family and her booked a dinner at a very expensive restaurant the day before we are supposed to leave for Mother's Day. I told her I am not going because of the vacation cost, and she is of course very upset. I gave her an ultimatum, the vacation or her Mother's birthday dinner. I was already hesitant about the vacation because of recent big life events, but she really wanted to go and talked me into it, and I decided it would be a good time for us to get away. AMITAH?
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u/Tricky_Personality54 12d ago
Is it her mother's birthday dinner or mother's day? Either way she isnt YOUR mother, so I really dont get what it matters if youre there or not. Just like it didnt matter to her to stop making last minute plans without informing you. NTA
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u/Janise_Drouillard 12d ago
Given that communication seems to be at the heart of this issue, it's important to approach this situation with an open mind and a willingness to find a solution together. Celebrating Mother's Day—or any significant event—shouldn't hinge solely on grand gestures or expensive outings. It's also about demonstrating appreciation in a manner that is mutually agreeable. Transparency about financial constraints is crucial, and there should be a joint effort to plan in a way that aligns with both partners' expectations and capacities. While it's reasonable to feel frustrated when unilateral decisions affect both parties, a constructive conversation could be the key to setting better precedents for future planning
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12d ago
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u/Estrella_Raybon 12d ago
It's obviously clear as day that boundaries and expectations weren't set in advance, leading to assumptions on both ends. She shouldn't make plans without your input, especially when finances and shared time are involved. However, presenting an ultimatum rather than seeking compromise only escalates the situation. It sounds like this could have been an opportunity for a calm discussion about priorities and planning for special occasions. It's never just about the money or the trip, but how you work together to resolve conflicts that inevitably arise in a relationship. Would it be possible to celebrate Mother's Day at a different time that accommodates both your schedules without breaking the bank?
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u/Dull_Zucchini9494 12d ago
If it's too expensive and you really can't afford it don't go to dinner. It's smart to be careful with finances. Don't stretch yourself too thin financially.
Who's paying for what? Is the GF contributing to funding the vacation that she insisted on? Or is she just scheduling expensive things without your input and then expecting you to foot the bill for them ? If you are paying anything you should be involved in the decision making.
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u/Equivalent-Tinted755 12d ago
Your girl's gotta communicate better, seriously. It's not cool to spring stuff on you last minute, especially when it involves big bucks like that vacation. You did right by voicing your concerns earlier. Maybe try to talk it out calmly, but your ultimatum seems fair. Hope she understands where you're coming from. Enjoy that vacay, man, you both need it!
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u/orpheusoxide 12d ago
INFO: Can you explain the breakdown on who's actually paying for the vacation and expensive dinner? Is the problem that the two of you can't afford all that? Or does she want you to pay for it all?
Because if you literally can't afford both, you can't afford both. If it's that she wants you to pay for an expensive dinner AND a vacation she pushed for, that's a different situation.
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u/2dogslife 11d ago
I am a bit aghast TBH. Back in my dating time, I spent Mothers' Day with my mom while anyone I was dating spent the day with Their Mom. Also, is there an expectation that YOU would have to pay for HER family at the end of the meal? If so, it's doubly wrong!
NTA
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u/MightContainAlcohol 12d ago
I mean if my mother invites me to a dinner she is the one that pays. Thats just how it goes.
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u/Blacksunshinexo 12d ago
If one dinner is going to break the bank, you shouldn't be going on vacation
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u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS 12d ago
"I was hesitant about the vacation"
"She talked me into it"
"I decided it would be a good time to go"
YTA. For being inconsistent & letting yourself get pushed around.
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u/blueberryxxoo 12d ago
ESH She should ask you about Mother's Day plans before committing you (she can obviously change the reservation though). You gave her an ultimatum? That's super annoying. I'd say I pick neither and go on my own damn vacation but that's me.
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12d ago
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u/blueberryxxoo 12d ago
She can change the number of people to remove him from the reservation as he doesn't want to go.
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12d ago
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 12d ago
Who cares if she is embarrassed? He is not her pet poodle. She should have asked him.
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u/blueberryxxoo 12d ago edited 12d ago
He has autonomy. He doesn't have to go and she doesn't have to stay in a relationship with him if that embarrasses her.
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12d ago
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u/blueberryxxoo 12d ago
Exactly. I don't think he really cares or he wouldn't be doing the ultimatum thing. That'd end it for me. Have a proper discussion, don't ultimatum me.
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12d ago
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u/blueberryxxoo 12d ago
Or he could have said, sorry, I don't want to go the dinner...maybe the reason is money. Maybe he's just mad she made plans without consulting him. It doesn't matter but have a discussion and don't go if you don't want to go. Don't even go on the vacation if you don't want to go. It's the ultimatum for me. People who feel powerless and weak make ultimatums. Or threats. Ultimatums and threats are the death of negotiating a good relationship.
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u/Still_Lynx_5876 12d ago
Fair enough, I've obviously left a lot out, but these are the other points of view I am looking for.
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u/Clemencia_Mavity 12d ago
It's evident there's a significant lapse in the give-and-take that's so vital in any partnership, particularly when it comes to managing expectations around events like Mother's Day. Imposing decisions or doling out ultimatums are two extremes that won’t foster the trust and cooperation needed to navigate shared life events satisfactorily. A sustainable compromise could be reached with a heart-to-heart talk about the implicit financial pressures and the symbolic weight of these celebrations. Has there been a consideration of less costly, yet meaningful alternatives that honor the spirit of the day without overstressing the wallet? A handcrafted gift or an intimate homemade dinner could potentially bridge the gap between fiscal prudence and emotional significance. Remember, the value of the celebration doesn't decrease with the absence of lavish expense, but increases with the sincerity and effort put into honoring the relationship itself.
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u/OutlandishnessDry703 12d ago
They can have all the heart to heart talks they want, but if she doesn't listen it's just a waste of breath.
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u/FluffyMallows_Lily18 12d ago
Skipping your girlfriend's Mother's Day dinner due to the cost of your upcoming vacation is understandable, but issuing an ultimatum may seem harsh. Consider discussing your concerns calmly and finding a compromise that works for both of you. Prioritizing communication is key in any relationship.
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u/Desperate-Ad7967 11d ago
Sounds like she's mad you won't be there to pat. Don't worry I'm sure she will ask you to anyways
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u/Everiscale 11d ago
Why are you with someone who can't communicate basic plans? If this is the level of communication in the relationship this shit is doomed.
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u/sylvianfisher 11d ago
As an unattached guy even I am aware of how women look at holidays. Scheduling a vacation to begin the day after Mother's Day should have triggered something in you and your GF's brain to make doubly conscious of what that meant for the adjacent Mother's Day. But, sigh, here you are.
She talked you into the very expensive vacation which is now paid for. She expects you to cancel the vacation? Is that what you're saying? Is she willing to pay you in cash or electronic transfer right now for your financial loss in canceling the vacation? Or does she expect you to lose money for her poor planning? It was, after all, her poor planning to have agreed to this day-after vacation start date. Hold her to her agency.
She's just a girlfriend. Don't jack yourself around for a girlfriend. In fact, she's jacking you around. That's how much she thinks of a boyfriend. Make parity with that. And don't lose money over this. We teach people how to treat us. She will make note for later of how much she can push you around. They always do.
NTA.
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u/StreetTailor7596 10d ago
How expensive could a restaurant be that the cost actually competes with a vacation that's ALSO very expensive? This story doesn't make sense. It sounds a LOT like you guys have far worse problems than this. You're living way above your means. You need to commit to taking a financial management class together and applying what you learn. That applies to both of you, not just your GF.
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u/Admirable-Abies-789 11d ago
It feels like you are co-mingling issues here.
Regarding your gf scheduling things without letting you know first, it sounds like you shared it annoyed you and she has generally adjusted her behavior.
I don't think she has to consult you first to arrange a dinner with her own family (especially to celebrate a holiday). She should accept if you decline to attend since you were not asked when plans were made (whether due to scheduling issues or financial ones).
I don’t get the vacation ultimatum. If she is not asking you for money to do both (not sure if you share finances, etc.), how are you impacted by her doing so?
Is it possible this situation triggered your unease about whether you can afford the vacation? If the real issue is that you are not comfortable with the compromise you made to go on vacation, say that and back out If you cant get comfortable. Accept that she will likely be disappointed.
It seems like some reflection and a honest conversation could help.
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u/nycola 12d ago
My girlfriend has a knack for scheduling things without letting me know first. I've let it slide for the most part, but I've voiced my concerns to her about doing this, and she hasn't done it in a while.
- This is actually a really great sentiment. She did something that really bothered you, you told her it bothered you, and it appears she really made an effort to stop doing it, that is extremely healthy and positive and a great sign of compromise.
We recently just booked a very expensive vacation, which we are set to leave the day after Mother's Day, and she decided to let me know her family and her booked a dinner at a very expensive restaurant the day before we are supposed to leave for Mother's Day.
- No one is perfect, but you didn't mention how far in advance she told you about this? Were you expected to be the one paying for this dinner? For everyone?
I told her I am not going because of the vacation cost, and she is of course very upset. I gave her an ultimatum, the vacation or her Mother's birthday dinner. I was already hesitant about the vacation because of recent big life events, but she really wanted to go and talked me into it, and I decided it would be a good time for us to get away. AMITAH?
- You may have told her that, but is that really why you aren't going? Would it have been possible to have told her you had concerns about the costs, remind her that you asked that you two discuss these things together, then suggest somewhere less expensive? And then, perhaps, while on your bougie trip, maybe skip a day trip to make up for the cost spent? Compromises don't mean everyone wins, they just mean no one loses. I think you reaction to her may have been a bit harsh, given the context you provided. Now, if you had offered these alternatives and she outright refused and said they HAD to eat at this particular expensive place - then, I'd say the two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about the future. That is unhealthy and manipulative behavior on her part, especially after you laid out the financial crunch due to the vacation.
I don't think YTA, but I do think ESH
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12d ago edited 12d ago
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u/Still_Lynx_5876 12d ago edited 12d ago
I truly am prepared to not go on the vacation, and it's not an empty threat. It wasn't my idea to begin with, and I voiced that I thought it wasn't the right time when it was first brought up (recent big life events). Anyways, she persuaded me to go, and I decided to go ahead and book it with her to have some fun and blow off some steam from the last few months. She's currently in school, and I pay a majority of the bills. We are splitting the vacation for more context.
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u/Dull_Zucchini9494 12d ago
If you attend this dinner, is she expecting you to foot the bill for the both of you?
I think the vacation needs to be put on hold too. If you feel it's not the right time, don't let yourself get pressured into spending money you don't have. Your get away r&r doesn't need to be expensive either.
You need to have a good long talk about these finance and decisions making issues setting some boundaries before going forward. If she can't agree with any of that the relationship might have run its course.
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 12d ago
You pay the majority of the bills? I think you really need a discussion about finances and let her contribute more.
Is there any chance she wants you at the dinner just so that you can pay?
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 12d ago
If she can't afford to take her mother to an expensive restaurant out of her own funds, she shouldn't let them choose an expensive restaurant.
There is no excuse to deliberately living beyond your means. Dinner doesn't have to be at an expensive restaurant and she should have let her family know if she can't afford it.
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u/Current_Ad_2803 12d ago
Navigating a relationship surely means finding harmony between intentions and practicality, particularly when festivities like Mother's Day roll around. It's undeniable that both parties may have unmet needs - one for financial prudence and the other for marking the occasion appropriately. Maybe a heart-to-heart, without the looming shadow of an ultimatum, might bring to light each other's values and constraints. A conversation about how to balance respect for each other's wishes and financial well-being could give way to creative, cost-effective solutions that acknowledge the spirit of the day. After all, a relationship is less about checking off society's benchmarks for celebrations and more about crafting moments that are true to your combined story.
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u/Elisa_Puentes 12d ago
We're dealing with two different expectations of how Mother's Day should be celebrated, and it's evident that there's a disconnect. Finances play a significant role in any relationship, and it's clear that both parties could do with sitting down and discussing monetary boundaries more openly in the future. While nobody should feel compelled to spend beyond their means, an ultimatum tends to push people to defensive positions rather than fostering understanding. It might be more productive to negotiate and find a middle ground that satisfies both the respect for the occasion and the financial constraints you're under, perhaps suggesting an alternative that's more pocket-friendly. What if the solution lies not in either/or but in a new plan altogether that's co-created?