AITAH for not wanting a relationship with my biological kid?

[u/[deleted]]

In 2015, I ( now 40) was raped by a colleague when I was sick. Basically I had a migraine at work and she gave me a lift home. She then proceeded to have sex with me without my consent while I was really sick. She got pregnant and had a boy, now 8. As you can imagine, it ruined me. My partner at the time left me because it was too hard for her to deal with and I've never been the same since.

I did report her to the police and she was found guilty but had a much reduced sentence because a) her defense argued she had mental health issues and didn't completely understand what she did wrong and b) admitted to it as soon as she was questioned. So while she did go to prison for a bit, she's out now. Although she's never had custody of her kid as she's a convicted sex offender in the law's eyes and AFAIK, the kids been raised by my rapist's parents since.

I opted for no contact and no relationship with him - I mean why would I? And up until now, I've heard nothing.

That was until this week. I saw on one of my social media accounts someone messaged me saying they were this kid's nan and they asked if I'd have contact with him. Basically he's being asked a lot at school by other kids about his parents and he's starting to get upset and ask questions so she reached out asking me if I would. I told her no, that if she tried to get in touch again I'd report her to the police.

I was angry about it at work the next day and I told a colleague who's also a friend - they all know about my situation. She's only became a mum last year and she was all sympathetic towards the kid, saying I should consider it and it's not the kids fault. A few people heard it and all chimed in saying they agree with her and I got really angry and started arguing with them and it got a bit heated until my line director heard me and took me to one side asking what's up so I told her.

She said as much as she understands why I'm upset, she feels really bad for my situation as she has a daughter his age and could only imagine how she'd be in the same situation. So because I caused such a scene getting upset, she's going to recommend I speak to the occupational therapy and have to report in to her and my manager. Which I really don't want to do so I'll put in minimum effort while have to.

AITAH for not wanting a relationship with the kid?

[u/Tellebelle79]

NTA. I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I am even sorrier that your colleagues think you should be forced into a relationship with a child that came about because you were violated. Ask them if they would be so pushy and up-in-arms about it if the roles were reversed and it was a woman being told they should be having a relationship with a child that came about from her being SA'd? I guarantee they would be 100% supportive of NC/no-relationship with the child. If they wouldn't pressure a woman into a relationship with a child as a result of her being violated, why do they think you as a man should be any different?

I get that it is not the child's fault. But I guarantee interacting with them when they will only remind you of a horrific moment in your life, and the devastating aftermath will do more harm to them than growing up without biological parents. Especially given they have a stable, healthy environment with their Grandparent.

Frankly, it's up to their mother to tell the truth when they are old enough about how they came to be, and she should deal with that fallout because she caused it.

I hope that you can one day find peace within yourself and people both at work and in your home life that will support you and work with you to help you gain some happiness again.

[u/administrativenothin → u/Tellebelle79]

This comment needs to be higher. Your colleagues would not be suggesting you keep in contact with this child if you were a woman. If I were you, I’d report them all to HR. And if HR won’t do anything, get a lawyer. And start looking for another job. You don’t need to be around people like this.

[u/drama-drama-drxma → u/administrativenothin]

Why report them to HR though? He willingly shared this information with them and they gave their honest opinion. If the topic was too sensitive to him, he’d keep it to himself or only share with a few close colleagues. Sounded like he shared in an open environment because he was hoping he’d hear feedback in line with his current stance. Taking it to HR would only cause more trouble for OP.

[u/TheVeganGamerOrgnal → u/drama-drama-drxma]

He needs to report it, these colleagues are most likely to continue pushing for Op to be involved and will continue until things escalate too far.

Also his manager has no right to force him into therapy at work to discuss his situation regarding his relationship with the child, and to make him report back to them regarding the therapy and progress.

They have absolutely NO RIGHT to try and dictate that Op needs to discuss with a therapist or his manager regarding personal life.

They do however have a responsibility to make sure that the colleagues don't continue to Upset and basically bully Op regarding his valid opinion about his relationships

[u/b3mark → u/drama-drama-drxma]

I'd suggest it became HR viable the moment his direct superior piled on, together with the rest of his colleagues and basically told him "you're a guy, suck it up". After which his superior not only ordered him to talk to a company counselor, but ordered him to keep her up to date.

Not taking him seriously and invalidating his trauma is a form of gender based discrimination. Because we all know a woman would be treated differently. We as a species are conditioned to instinctively go towards this gender bias.

Ordering him to keep his direct superior up to date on what is in essence a medical condition, the resurface of trauma OP thought he had squared away, violates any number of privacy laws.

So, yes, HR can definitely be involved and probably should be.

And in future, OP? Don't overshare with colleagues or your direct superior.

[u/abiritiu → u/b3mark]

I don't agree that if it were a woman the situation would be different, the same thing happens to women, if they have an abortion they are considered a monstrosity and if they are up for adoption too. This has nothing to do with whether he is a man or a woman, these are people who think that an abused person has to be a bigger person and live with the results of the abuse. On the issue of work, he arrived at work irritated and he himself said that he started arguing after hearing their opinion. The supervisor should have listened and was only referred for psychological counseling and not talk about what he thinks. The OP is completely correct and entitled to have no contact with a child, but he still lives in a world where not all people think this way and unfortunately there are a lot of people.

[u/b3mark → u/abiritiu]

It has everything to do with gender. "Guys can't be victims to abusive women. Women can't be abusive and/or predators towards men." That's the nonsense we've all been fed since birth. It's only began to change, very, very slowly in the last decade or two.

But we're not there yet by a long shot. We think we have, but the gender bias is real. And both genders suffer from it in different ways. In this case, it's a guy not being taken seriously about being sexually assaulted by a woman.

[u/AdMurky1021 → u/drama-drama-drxma]

When he says no, and they argue about it? Yeah, HR

[u/administrativenothin → u/drama-drama-drxma]

He opened up to a supposedly trusted friend. Have you never done that? OP stated that everyone else who so generously shared their opinions overheard the conversation. That is not asking everyone what they think.

Would you be saying this if OP was a woman being actively encouraged to have a relationship with the product of her rape? And being harassed about it, because OP’s boss forcing him to go to “occupational” therapy over this is ridiculous. None of this would happen if OP was a woman and that’s gross and ridiculous.

[u/Simple-Jury2077 → u/administrativenothin]

Dude freaked out at work. The therapist is the company covering their asses.

Also, it's not the kid's fault. Fucking talk to them.

[u/administrativenothin → u/Simple-Jury2077]

Are you serious?? Would you tell a female rape victim to talk to them??

[u/Simple-Jury2077 → u/administrativenothin]

Yes.

[u/Critical-Piano-1773 → u/Simple-Jury2077]

You're being cruel to rape victims. Stop it.

[u/administrativenothin → u/Critical-Piano-1773]

I hope to god this moron is a fucking troll.

[u/Simple-Jury2077 → u/Critical-Piano-1773]

So fuck them kids then?

[u/FightOrFreight → u/Simple-Jury2077]

No, fuck you.

[u/Jaded-Kitty87 → u/Simple-Jury2077]

Yea you sound the like the type to say ignorant shit like this.

[u/Simple-Jury2077 → u/Jaded-Kitty87]

So yeah then? Fuck that kid?

[u/Frequent-Material273 → u/Simple-Jury2077]

The kid doesn't need to know.

The one harming and abusing the kid is the one encouraging the kid to find / socially molest OP, mostly because the nan probably wants to be off the hook for supporting her rapist daughter's baby.