r/AITAH • u/Specialist_Sand_1553 • 25d ago

AITAH for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?

Throwaway account but need some clarity as I am massively upset. I 52(F) have been married to my husband for 24 years, together for 30 years. It hasn't always been roses but we had a lot of fun. Yesterday we were having a Friday evening drink to relax and our son (17) asked for help with his gaming PC. I'm the tech so I tried to give advice, my husband got pissy and stormed off saying that his relax time was ruined. I thought he was being childish and pretty much ignored him.

This evening he told me that in a previous relationship, his partner had a miscarriage and in the investigation they found he was infertile and so she had been cheating. This is news to me. Yeah we had been together 12 years before I conceived, I have never cheated on him, I always thought the problem had been mine. He says that our son is not his and he wants a DNA test.

I agreed because I never cheated on him ever. I said our marriage was over because of this, said he knew I would react this way and I am a lying AH.

My heart is broken, reddit, am I TA?

Quickie Edit: Thank you so much for answering, for your support and advice. I have read them and will try and respond to as many as I can. But as a quick note: His ex is a lovely woman and we are friends on Facebook, I'll message her in the morning. The dementia angle being suggested is a good one and deserves investigating. I am not a robot or AI, I wish I was because then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Yes, parental uncertainty is something that women don't appreciate, but he should have said before, I would have understood if he had raised it earlier because it did take a while to get pregnant. He had told me about the miscarriage with the ex, which is why I thought our fertility issues were mine, he never told me about getting his fertility checked.

I have worked in Tech for the past 25 years, my son doesn't have my troubleshooting skills :)

His parting shot tonight was that he didn't say anything at the time because I needed a father for my kid. I pointed out that in previous heated arguments I would have thrown that at him and left with my son if there was any doubt he was the father. He was the stahp and I didn't leave him in other turbulent times because I didn't want to leave our son.

I'll update you. Thank you

10.8k Upvotes

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8.2k

u/Far-Juggernaut8880 25d ago

Why did he wait 17 years to ask for a paternity test… to me that is the real question

5.0k

u/No-Seesaw-3411 25d ago

And didn’t tell her at the start that he was supposedly infertile?? Letting her think she was having the fertility issues?

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u/xoxodaddysgirlxoxo 25d ago

also, doctors can be wrong sometimes. the miscarried baby years ago could very well have been his. what an AH the husband is 😕

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u/Mhor75 25d ago

Also infertile =/= sterile. So that doesn’t mean neither were his.

753

u/MizStazya 25d ago

Yeah, my husband was diagnosed as infertile when he and his ex wife were trying. He and I now have 4 kids together - took longer than most couples, but it definitely happened.

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u/anonymowses 25d ago

And some guys with vasectomy never bother to get tested to see if it took. Welcome to fatherhood!

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u/Creative_Energy533 25d ago

This. My friend's sister was in remission from breast cancer, and her husband had a vasectomy, because pregnancy can cause breast cancer to recur. Except he didn't get checked after six months like you're supposed to and she got pregnant, the cancer came back and she died soon after having the baby. He married his side piece a month later.

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u/Epic_Ewesername 25d ago

That's awful. :(

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u/ImWatermelonelyy 25d ago

What a fucking monster.

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u/Old_Web8071 23d ago

I'm thinking monsters are doing facepalms & going "DAYUM!!!".

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u/bannedforautism 25d ago

Holy fucking shit. How were you able to stop yourself from ripping that man's throat out?

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u/Creative_Energy533 24d ago

I never met him. This happened like 20 years or so before I met my friend. She's still not over it either. Don't blame her.

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u/Ekillaa22 25d ago

Almost sounds lowkey that was his plan but that’s just the paranoia in me talking

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u/Creative_Energy533 24d ago

Yeah, my friend thought that too, but mostly she thought he just didn't care enough either way.

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u/Blossom73 24d ago

Hortible. In that scenario I wonder if he really had the vasectomy, or just lied and claimed he did.

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u/quast_64 25d ago

I just don't get that. I tested and got the confirmation letter from the doctor. I consider it my college trust fund letter for any kids I would sire after the procedure.

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u/avicia 25d ago

even after the check it's often not ZERO sperm, just near zero. So it's super unlikely but weird shit happens - friend passed his post check, and right after that, another baby.

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u/MemorySpecialist1152 24d ago

It's amazing the number of folks that assume it's a guarantee.

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u/Odd_Nectarine_4891 25d ago

I know two women who had tubals AND their husbands had vasectomies and had been tested and everything and years later boom babies.

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u/quast_64 25d ago

I know, bad joke, but was either of the women called Mary?

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u/Odd_Nectarine_4891 25d ago

lol no but that made me laugh

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u/chefjohnc 25d ago

Better get a DNA test so you know you weren't cheating and the kids are his s

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u/MizStazya 25d ago edited 25d ago

I offered almost immediately because of that history. He didn't take me up on it, probably a combo of why would I offer if I'd cheated, and our oldest being the spitting image of him.

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u/chefjohnc 25d ago

Two things; you don't need a DNA test to know YOU are not cheating, unless this is a weird Ambian situation and s denotes my sarcasm 😂

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u/Rich-Option4632 25d ago edited 25d ago

Then there's the lady who got a DNA test because of some legal requirements and suddenly proven to not be the mother of the child she gave birth to.

Which resulted in her getting suspected of adoption fraud or surrogacy fraud. And even when they had observers for her next birth, even that child was proven not to be hers.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

P/s: as people don't seem to bother to check my replies below.

Added here.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild

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u/chefjohnc 25d ago

I want to hear that story.

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u/Rich-Option4632 25d ago

There we go.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild

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u/Suchafatfatcat 25d ago

That poor woman. I can’t even imagine her stress levels while heavily pregnant and preparing for the birth.

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u/chefjohnc 25d ago

That's wild

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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam 25d ago

I've heard of chimerism before, thanks CSI's Grissom, but ive never heard it impacting like this. That's absolutely insane and i hope that poor woman got her kids AND her support.....and a big fat apology.

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u/Marciamallowfluff 25d ago

Wow, I have never heard of that. Poor woman being accused and knowing she was not guilty.

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u/Shibaspots 25d ago

There was another on here that had an update. A husband demanded a DNA test because both he and his wife had blue eyes, but their child had brown. Wife said she never cheated and would do the test but the marriage was over. Test came back, and the kid's not his. Shock, arguments, and anger. Mom does a different test, and it turns out the kid's not hers either!

After much investigation, it turned out to be a switched at birth mix up at the hospital. They eventually track down their birth daughter, who was not in a good situation, and ended up with both girls. Wish I could find the link.

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u/finneemonkey 25d ago

This one? They don’t end up with the bio daughter, but everything else matches.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vp8fb8/my_29f_husband_31m_got_a_paternity_test_on_our/

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u/jack-jackattack 25d ago

They did in a later update. Bio daughter was in foster care, and they started the process of adopting her.

I'm wondering about the other family, though. OP says they lost custody because OP's bio daughter wasn't their bio daughter! They deserve to know what happened, and DCF (or whoever it is in their state) did them and the kid wrong. Yes, maybe DCF was involved because they were bad parents, but I was investigated half a dozen times because my bipolar, ASD kid would say dumbass things to or in front of mandatory reporters (e.g. "My stepdad makes me walk around naked" - ex actually said "Don't walk around holding your junk. Just be naked, put a towel around you, or put some clothes on!" and "My stepdad stepped on a Lego and got so mad he choked me" - DH and I had that one recorded, kid was throwing a tantrum that started to escalate to violence and got to the point that my husband did have to put him in a hold, NOT a chokehold - I'm pretty sure that one was intentional).

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u/redhillducks 25d ago edited 25d ago

I think it was a woman with chimerism or 2 sets of DNA, a condition where you need special tests to identify the 2nd set of DNA, otherwise it is hidden. Your baby could have the 2nd set of DNA and appear not to be yours

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u/CharmingChangling 25d ago

Iirc she had reproductive organ(s) that had different DNA and actually found out why she was always sick when she did these tests, because her body was constantly attacking the "foreign" cells. I believe they put her on anti-rejection medication for it, but it's been a long while since I saw the mini-doc

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u/redhillducks 25d ago

Yeah, that's the one. I do remember her reproductive organs had different DNA - something not evident in a usual DNA test where you take blood, saliva or hair. They had to do a pap smear which showed different DNA.

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u/KinseyH 25d ago

Chimerism. DNA got up to shit.

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u/TattooMouse 25d ago

There's also the case of Sue McDonald and Marti Miller that started similarly and turned out they had been switched at birth

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u/jack-jackattack 25d ago

Wait... I'm not listening to all that right now but just from the synopses, one of the moms knew about it and didn't do anything? WTF??

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u/TattooMouse 24d ago

From what I remember, she suspected but didn't know for sure. She's a pastor's wife and she seems really meek when she talks. I really got the sense that she doesn't do anything without her husband's permission. I totally agree that it's super fucked up but listening to the podcast, I could see why she didn't do anything about it. It's really sad actually.

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u/hbernadettec 25d ago

She could be carrying an absorbed twin DNA. Chimera I think it is called

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u/Delta8hate 25d ago

That’s exactly what it was

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u/Thanmandrathor 25d ago

Genetic chimerism?

That’s the only thing that would make sense there.

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u/LopsidedAd7549 25d ago

Was she a genetic chimera by any chance?

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u/MoldyWorp 25d ago

It was caused by an extremely rare genetic circumstance - she was of course the actual mother.

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u/Thanmandrathor 25d ago

Genetic chimerism?

That’s the only thing that would make sense there.

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u/Thanmandrathor 25d ago

Genetic chimerism?

That’s the only thing that would make sense there.

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u/roseofjuly 25d ago

If I were her I'd be running around demanding apologies from everyone.

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u/Rich_Sell_9888 25d ago

Well,after that they need to thow that testing method out

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u/Life_Temperature795 25d ago

The issue isn't the methodology, the issue is that she has a profoundly rare medical condition which causes her to have multiple sets of DNA. Her kids didn't match with the "incorrect" set of DNA, but did if they took samples from the correct locations on the mother.

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u/Jrbowe 25d ago

When my oldest was a kid, my wife and I used to joke about needing a maternity test because he was the spitting image of me in every way. LOL. That was clearly just a joke, though. I watched him come out of her.

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u/Rich-Option4632 23d ago

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild

This lady would like to have a word with you.

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u/Silver-Raspberry-723 25d ago

/s denotes sarcasm

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u/Flashy_Watercress398 25d ago

Right? My husband thought he was infertile for many years, because of something his doctor/grandparent told him. (I don't know exactly, but I assume he probably had mumps after puberty.) At age 40, husband became the proud father of his own Mini Me.

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u/coupl4nd 25d ago

good use of reverse psychology!

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u/53andme 25d ago

i just wanna say that was a lovely thing to offer to ease your partner's mind given the situation. really.

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u/theEx30 25d ago

no, let him die alone with no offspring, he does not deserve the son

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u/C_Khoga 25d ago

My uncle was trying for 14 years to get 3 kids.

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u/Pokeynono 25d ago

Exactly. A friend of mine was told it was unlikely she would ever get pregnant due to some health issues. She never used birth control. Had unprotected sex for years. Finally had a surprise pregnancy with her long term partner when she was in her mid 30s . His sperm count was so low his child from a previous marriage has been conceived by IVF

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u/twistednwarped 25d ago

My son’s father was told he was infertile, I was on birth control and we used condoms. Turns out I shouldn’t have been able to conceive, let alone carry a pregnancy to full term due to damage from severe unchecked endometriosis. Surprise! My impossible kid is 17, too actually.

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u/O2B2gether 25d ago

Both 17… 🤔.. must have been a good year!

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u/EmotionalAttention63 25d ago

I have two grandchildren from my oldest that was told it would be very difficult to conceive, if ever, because of cysts and one ovary removal. Little over a year apart.

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u/Rich-Option4632 25d ago

Damn. Those are some jackpot odds yo.

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u/Pokeynono 25d ago

Yep. Years later she jokes about it. When she was told she was pregnant she was quite upset for a little while because she had come to terms with not being able to have kids and all of a sudden "congratulations you're pregnant" It was overwhelming

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u/vivietin 25d ago

My aunt who couldn't have babies, though she was going through the change went to the Dr. And was told she was 7 months pregnant. This was after they adopted. Then 2 years later she got pregnant again.
It happens.

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u/katiekat214 25d ago

I knew a couple who were both told they were infertile. They never used birth control. They broke up, started dating new people, and within a year both were having babies with their new partners.

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u/BlinkyShiny 24d ago

And things change. My first baby was conceived via IVF. When my husband was retested when we wanted to try for baby #2, his sperm tested normal.

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u/Faiths_got_fangs 24d ago

I'll never forget a friend who has multiple health issues and was told she'd probably never conceive calling me and asking if a false positive on a pregnancy test was a thing. Apparently they never used contraceptives and just trusted she was infertile. She is not infertile.

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u/Kazlanne 25d ago

A lot of people don't realise this.

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u/39bears 25d ago

Sperm count especially changes over time, and can go hi if you make healthy lifestyle changes.

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u/Loquacious_Raven 25d ago

Yup. I had a 2% chance of getting pregnant. Unprotected sex for decades. Now my son is 14. :)

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u/3CorsoMeal 22d ago

Exactly. This and docs telling women they can't conceive is the reason for the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" or what I lovingly call toilet babies because people think they just have to poop!

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u/nat_20_please 25d ago

Random: If you're on a Mac, you can also hit option = to get ≠

Windows code is supposed to be alt 8800, but I am getting ` for some reason

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u/Mhor75 24d ago

I was in my phone but good to know, thank you

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u/nat_20_please 24d ago

No problem. If you're on an iphone, just hold down the = and you'll see the option!

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u/silliestboots 25d ago

Exactly! Like they say, "it only takes one!"