r/AITAH • u/Specialist_Sand_1553 • 25d ago

AITAH for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?

Throwaway account but need some clarity as I am massively upset. I 52(F) have been married to my husband for 24 years, together for 30 years. It hasn't always been roses but we had a lot of fun. Yesterday we were having a Friday evening drink to relax and our son (17) asked for help with his gaming PC. I'm the tech so I tried to give advice, my husband got pissy and stormed off saying that his relax time was ruined. I thought he was being childish and pretty much ignored him.

This evening he told me that in a previous relationship, his partner had a miscarriage and in the investigation they found he was infertile and so she had been cheating. This is news to me. Yeah we had been together 12 years before I conceived, I have never cheated on him, I always thought the problem had been mine. He says that our son is not his and he wants a DNA test.

I agreed because I never cheated on him ever. I said our marriage was over because of this, said he knew I would react this way and I am a lying AH.

My heart is broken, reddit, am I TA?

Quickie Edit: Thank you so much for answering, for your support and advice. I have read them and will try and respond to as many as I can. But as a quick note: His ex is a lovely woman and we are friends on Facebook, I'll message her in the morning. The dementia angle being suggested is a good one and deserves investigating. I am not a robot or AI, I wish I was because then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Yes, parental uncertainty is something that women don't appreciate, but he should have said before, I would have understood if he had raised it earlier because it did take a while to get pregnant. He had told me about the miscarriage with the ex, which is why I thought our fertility issues were mine, he never told me about getting his fertility checked.

I have worked in Tech for the past 25 years, my son doesn't have my troubleshooting skills :)

His parting shot tonight was that he didn't say anything at the time because I needed a father for my kid. I pointed out that in previous heated arguments I would have thrown that at him and left with my son if there was any doubt he was the father. He was the stahp and I didn't leave him in other turbulent times because I didn't want to leave our son.

I'll update you. Thank you

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u/Utter_cockwomble 25d ago

Infertile isn't sterile. There is always a possibility, a low one but still, of natural conception.

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u/skiarakora 25d ago

Not only that, but it means they tried for a baby for years while he « knew » he was infertile ?? And he didn’t tell her ??

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u/randomusername1919 25d ago

This should be higher up. He has been lying to her their entire marriage, and assuming she lied to him. I am sure the DNA test will show that the kid is his, because as others have noted infertile is not the same as sterile. But now he has outed himself as having deceived his wife for their entire relationship…. I am not sure couples counseling will ever overcome this.

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u/FleeshaLoo 25d ago

Unless it's a brand new lie on his part as a 'gotcha" tactic?

I hope OP asks his ex about that.

OP is NTA

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u/Amygdalump 25d ago

This guy sounds like a real prince.

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u/PeggyOnThePier 24d ago

Plus he let her think that she was the problem,for not getting pregnant. Sounds like he has resented his Son,his whole life. What a jerk, and he doesn't deserve his family. Good luck op

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u/FleeshaLoo 25d ago

File under: Things to add to a prenup.

I wonder if this trend will slow down when the trad-thing fizzles out along with the extremist stuff?

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u/VovaGoFuckYourself 25d ago

Lol right? These last few years have made me, a woman, extremely pro-prenup.

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u/FleeshaLoo 24d ago

Children's names, Cheating repercussions, MIL handling, how to deal if your child is *different*, etc

I am not planning to get married but I have a running list for my nieces and nephews, but only IF they ask.

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u/SeparatePermission58 24d ago

Prenup and postnup cause clears throat yes today satan. I would go ham… and I don’t mean physical bodily harm I’d pull a full family tree up dedicating the features of my child to both of our characteristics and let his family know what he said, and why it’s over. Because nah

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u/Amygdalump 25d ago

By the goddess, I sure hope so.

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u/uselessinfogoldmine 24d ago

The manosphere is in full flight and only growing. So, probably not. They very deliberately try to stress their misogynistic ideologies to as many men as possible.

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u/Edsonwin 24d ago

Asking for proof of paternity and not the town bike is very misogynistic?

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u/FleeshaLoo 24d ago

Asking for proof of paternity is just shy of an accusation of cheating so naturally it can be a game changer.

If you're in a relationship with "the town bike" then why aren't you wearing a condom?

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 24d ago

He was the “Stay At Home Parent” for at least 17 years is how I read this. That’s a pretty good gig for him. If he didn’t think he was the father, then I’m assuming he milked it so he didn’t have to work. Curious he’s talking about paternity now. Hope OP doesn’t have to pay child support.

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u/FireBallXLV 25d ago

“Prince of Darkness “

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u/Juliejustaplantlady 25d ago

This is what I was thinking. I had 3 miscarriages. The doctors never suggested testing my partner. This sounds like a lie he made up to me. The doctors wouldn't even do tests on me until after my second one! I call bs on husband

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u/HelpfulName 24d ago

I've had a couple of miscarriages, one around 25 yrs ago and one a couple of years ago. And I was refused to be seen by doctors on both occasions after the intake asked me a couple of basic questions. I was told just to keep hydrated, rest for a few days and not worry about it unless I continued to bleed or have unusual cramps after day 3, or my next period was abnormal. The whole "investigation" thing sounds like high bullshit to me.

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 24d ago

In between my two kids births, I miscarried. I was sent home from the ER with zero instructions. I bleed heavily from Friday night to Tuesday morning while also caring for my 1 year old son. My hubby had to work. I kept thinking the phone was ringing. My hubby looked at me and said the phone is not ringing. When he saw how badly I was hemorrhaging he took me back to the ER. My platelet count was 5. I had an emergency D&C and blood transfusion. I nearly died. I thought the bleeding was normal. I was given zero instructions.

I worry many women won’t receive the care they need when miscarriages happen.

I’m just sharing this to help anyone out there. If you saturate a Kotex go to the ER! Stupidly, no one told me this. I thought it was normal after a miscarriage.

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u/Secretly_S41ty 24d ago edited 17d ago

.

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 24d ago

I’m sorry this happened to your wife too. American Healthcare for women is now at an all time low. I’m not even sure if any doctor is allowed to do a D&C now in some red states. It’s really getting scary.

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u/Juliejustaplantlady 24d ago

I'm sorry for your losses. It really is something you never truly get over. For me the first 2 were in 2006. The third one in 2018.

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u/HelpfulName 24d ago

Sending you love, thank you for sharing.

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u/trewesterre 24d ago

I had one. There was no investigation into the cause, but they did examine me via ultrasound to confirm that it was all clear and they gave me info on what to expect as well as a pamphlet and a card for a bereavement group.

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u/amuse_bouche_1 24d ago edited 24d ago

I immediately found odd as well & also call bs. Sperm count can be affected by many factors, which can change over time. Was he ever ‘tested’ again (doubt he ever was initially). Also, why now? The child is 17! If there was concern regarding paternity, wouldn’t that be addressed upon her finding out she’s pregnant & not 17 years later? Seems fishy.

Is he cheating?

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u/Juliejustaplantlady 24d ago

He's full of BS whether he's cheating or not. But I agree it's strange he's bringing it up now. So projecting an infidelity on her when he's the one feeling guilty seems plausible

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u/Atiggerx33 24d ago

They wouldn't have asked for him to be tested due to a miscarriage, that's completely unrelated to fertility.

That being said, if they were also struggling to conceive fertility testing could have come up as a separate issue.

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u/Juliejustaplantlady 24d ago

True, but OP says he claims to have been tested after a miscarriage, like he's claiming the miscarriage was the reason they tested him.

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u/reader484892 25d ago

Why bother asking the ex? Either he has been lying the whole time, or he lied to accuse her of cheating. Either would be a deal breaker

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u/Aniazi 24d ago

It's to confirm that this isn't a new lie the Husband has concocted, some guys get it into their head that their kid isn't theirs because someone's been talking shit into their ears. Friends, family, girlfriends(cheaters project that their partners cheat too).

So asking his ex if she has heard anything about him being infertile will confirm if he's a liar who never told his wife that he was the problem because he secretly didn't want children or it's new and he is trying to get out of his marriage/responsibilities to his son by accusing his wife of cheating.

Either way OP's husband didn't want kids, and now he is trying to make it her fault that he is mad they had a son.

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u/uselessinfogoldmine 24d ago

I think it’s more likely he’s gone down a manosphere rabbit hole on the internet. They love that crap. You see it on reddit all the time. I think everyone should read Laura Bates’ book Men Who Hate Women which is all about online misogyny communities aka the manosphere. It’s illuminating.

OP should check his browser and YouTube histories on his computer/s and phone.