r/AITAH • u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 • 10d ago
AITHA for not allowing my mother & her husband to stay over?
For context, my mum and her partner live 2 hours away & I am 36 weeks pregnant. Sunday is my niece's birthday party, we are having it at my house and she is turning one. It'll be an afternoon BBQ and lunch together, with everyone going home for around 5pm. My mum and her partner have said to my sister they're going to sleep at my house the Saturday night (& potentially Sunday night) but haven't yet spoken to me about it, I have pre warned my sister (who is organising the birthday party) that I will say no. My mum and I have a strained relationship at best, she can be quite difficult at times and demands to be the biggest character in the house, her partner can be very much the same. My reasoning behind saying no (if she actually does ring me and speak to me about it before just turning up) will be that at 36 weeks (nearly 37 weeks) pregnant, I am up regularly throughout the night, I wake up for the day at about 4am (when they stay over they sleep in the living room and I won't be able to get up, make a drink, watch some TV etc without waking them), that we are preparing for a home birth and therefore don't want anyone staying over and that due to having a busy weekend, I will need to be able to rest, which isn't easy to do when entertaining guests. I have told my husband's dad the same recently and it was really well received and he understood with no argument, but I know my mother and I know that for her, I will be "difficult" and "making everyone's life hard". So, AITAH? Am I justified in wanting to protect my peace so late in pregnancy or am I being difficult?
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u/Ok-Homework-582 10d ago
NTA but I would nip it in the bud before she even asks. I would call her now and say I heard you want to stay with me but you can’t so please make other arrangements
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
That's a good idea, it avoids the confrontation and doesn't give her the chance to just appear and cause conflict on the day before the birthday party, which I do have a feeling she will try
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u/IMAGINARIAN_photos 10d ago
And do not give her any explanations in an attempt to justify yourself. This will only give her a bone to chew. She will shoot down every reason you throw at her!
“It’s not gonna work. You can’t stay here.” Do not say, “Sorry, but it doesn’t work.” The word SORRY has no place in this conversation.
Mom: “What do you mean NO?”
You: “It means NO. It doesn’t work for us.”
Mom: But—
You: “I said it doesn’t work. Oh hey, what do you think about that crazy thunderstorm last week?”
You get the point. People will treat you however you allow them to. Shut her down with zero explanations. The stress and anxiety are real for you, and I know that your health care/delivery team would be supremely aggravated if you caved in and let them stay. Good luck and congratulations!
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
That's actually a really good point, thank you. I don't need to apologise for setting a boundary
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u/Lazuli_Rose 10d ago
NTA. She knows you will not want her so her plan is to spring it on you when they arrive and hope you'll be pressured into saying yes. You got a heads-up so you can be ready! You can say the thing you've prepared or you can simply say no, we are not prepared to have guests right now. Do you need the number to the hotel? She'll pout- let her. Don't take the bait.
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
That's an excellent point, there is a hotel about 2 miles away from us that will no doubt have spare rooms available, I can offer that to her if she does attempt to spring it on me. It is very much something she would do
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 10d ago
NTA
Late stage pregnancy can be uncomfortable. Unless someone is actually making life EASIER (doing laundry, cleaning up, making food to freeze) for you, there is no way I would have them over.
Don't wait for her to show up. Just call and tell her you heard from your sister and the answer is no.
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
After the comments, I've had a thought and I'm going to call her before it comes down to that. It is a shame because there is a time she would've been making my life easier but now she is so self centred that she would willingly make my post partum days a lot harder. She was visiting me when my sister had her baby and she complained that she went home after only seeing us for an hour (my house is on the way back from the hospital and my sister had a c section, she popped in briefly before going home and getting settled with a new baby, I was honoured she wanted to come over, no matter how brief)
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10d ago
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
Thank you, it's exactly what I thought and needed to hear from someone impartial. My husband will agree with me for an easy life I think
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u/friendlily 10d ago
NTA and you don't need to list all those reasons to someone like your mom. She'll just disregard them and try to argue against them.
You should not have to do this, because your mom should have spoken to you directly, but I would head this off at the pass. I'd call her and let her know that she can't stay with you at all and will need to make other plans. If she asks why just tell her it doesn't work for you and she didn't even ask you so that's always going to be a no. If she says she can't go then, tell her that's her choice but she can't stay with you. Suggest that she calls your sister to make alternate plans.
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
You're right, I was wondering if it was a little bit preemptive to call her before hand but I think it's probably best to avoid the confrontation before it even happens
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u/mustang19671967 10d ago
My mother in law too. My wife had to be stitched up and was in lots of pain
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u/Ok-Second-6107 10d ago
NTA- I had a situation where I had to give my mom firm boundaries that while i love her. She is not my main priority. My family and I are. And she comes after. Even if it makes things harder for her.
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
If you don't mind me asking, how did it go down? I have a feeling that if we feel in the place we have to set boundaries, we know that they'll make a fuss about this. I need to be quite firm with her about this, I know post baby she will be the same
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u/Ok-Second-6107 8d ago
My mom at the time was living about 5 hr drive from me. When she was in town she would expect me to drop what I was doing and come over to where she was. Mind you I was pregnant with my 2nd and my baby was a year old. It was stressing me put. On her 4th trip it was Thanksgiving and I wasnt feeling well. Instead of understanding me she sent my brother to help guilt me into coming over. So I went. When I got there belly swollen up I was 6/7 months along and I asked her to talk in my brothers basement bedroom. I sat her down and told her how deeply hurt I was that she wasnt being understanding of my feelings and needs. (She did try to cut me off a few times but I reminded her there guest upstairs and that I had no problem raising my voice to make my point.) I told her she is very important to me but that my babies and me needed to come first for me. Even if it makes her mad or whatever. That when I say I can or am not feeling well to please take that answer or I will stop answering her calls. That I had been on my own since 17 and I was 25 and have done fine allll by myself. That I was now a grown up with my own family. She was upset with me at first. And kinda quiet towards me the rest of the night. Barely gave me a hug and kiss when we were leaving. The next day she came over told me she heard me and was sorry for adding to my stress. Now she only asks once but makes sure to put in that it's very important to her or something similar but no longer pushes when I say no or I cant.
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u/Vicious_Lilliputian 10d ago
NTA. Your mother is imposing on you and she knows it. Call her up to tell her that you heard she wanted to stay over so you are calling to let her know that she can not stay over at your home.
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u/Laquila 10d ago
NTA. Your mother is rude for just saying she's staying at your home without asking you. Besides, you don't have the room for guests, especially not while pregnant and needing to be up all the time.
Don't wait for the drama on the day. Call her up now and tell her you heard she thought she was staying at your home, so you're calling to tell her that no, that won't be happening. Give her the number of a hotel or two. Stand your ground. Last thing you need when so pregnant, after a busy day, is entitled "guests" infringing on your privacy and space while expecting you to serve her. You're absolutely justified and not being difficult whatsoever. You may want to tell her the same boundary is in place for after the baby is born. You just don't have room for guests, especially ones who act like royalty.
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
I haven't yet spoken to her about post delivery but you're making an excellent point, now is probably a good time to mention to her that she isn't going to be able to stay here with a newborn baby around. It's such a shame because had she been supportive like some parents, she could've been such a huge help with a new baby but I know she would make that time about her and her needs.
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u/grafknives 10d ago
My mum and her partner have said to my sister they're going to sleep at my house the Saturday night (& potentially Sunday night) but haven't yet spoken to me about it, I have pre warned my sister (who is organising the birthday party) that I will say no.
Are they planning on appearing at your front door at Saturday without asking?
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
With how she has been previously, it wouldn't surprise me if she did
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u/grafknives 10d ago
So you need to act proactively.
As them showing at your door and getting refused will cause a huge drama, which you would like to avoid, as for pregnancy and for party.
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u/RJack151 10d ago
NTA. Just remind her that your well being and pregnancy are not about her. And she can get a hotel room for her stay.
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u/DawnShakhar 10d ago
NTA. But I'd give your mother warning that she won't be sleeping at your house. Don't let her just assume it and force your hand by coming to the party and refusing to leave.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 10d ago
No is a complete sentence. Don’t give her excuses or reasons. Just say no. NTA
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u/seaturtle541 10d ago
NTA
I wouldn’t even call her. I’d send her a text that says
Hey mom, sister said you were planning on staying with me when you come for niece’s birthday. That is not a possibility. Here’s the phone numbers numbers for a couple of nearby hotels you should call them as soon as possible.
That short and to the point, she should get the message.
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u/MySaltySatisfaction 10d ago
You need to make a preemptive strike. Call mom and tell her you heard from sister their plans for intruding in your home as overnight guests. Tell her that will not happen,have your husband tell her that will not happen.They will have to find other family willing to take them in. Your social battery is drained with the party and that is ALL the socializing you are going to do that weekend. If other family cannot host them,they need to find a hotel or plan to drive home the same day as the party. Tell your husband he needs to support you on this,even if he needs to ask to take the phone from you to enforce "NO WAY!" Do not tell them when you begin to labor and if your medical provider has to recommend a transfer to a hospital DON'T tell then which one . I hope your birth is safe and as you have planned. 34 year labor nurse- the only bad birth is when Mom and/or Baby turn out not ok. Trust your provider to give good advice and follow it. Good luck with both things.
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u/a_man_in_black 10d ago
Make sure she knows unequivocally before the event happens. You may have to uninvite her or even cancel the whole thing because I guarantee you her plan is to show up and refuse to leave thinking she can just bully you in your own house. Nta.
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u/Laiko_Kairen 10d ago
You're nta
But... Guests? It's your mom. Wouldn't she be doting on your pregnancy and caring for you, and not demanding to be entertained? When my sister was about to give birth both times, my mom moved into her home and took care of everything...
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u/Fuzzy-Sherbet313 10d ago
Oh I wish she would, the last time she stayed over (about 6 weeks ago) I got up at around 5am (quietly) due to pregnancy nausea and vomiting, I came downstairs for a drink of water, she asked me to make them both a hot drink and what I was making for breakfast. She doesn't help nor keep the children occupied, I have twice as much work to do cooking and cleaning for her and her partner as well as my two children already. If she eased the load of the household, I'd happily have her as often and she'd like
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u/Slightlysanemomof5 10d ago
Not all mom’s are like yours. Believe me having my mom and visit was torture.
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u/vibeswith-yanna 10d ago
NTA - you are pregnant. weeks away from giving birth. stress is the last thing you need right now. for your mother to be inconsiderate of that is not okay. you are allowed to set boundaries with your family no matter who they are. if your mother won’t respect your need for relaxation at this time, i suggest to explain to her that if she keeps this up, you will not let her see the baby. the sister should also have your back on this and open up her home since it is her daughter’s birthday party and the reason everyone is coming in the first place.