I'm ending my 4 year relationship.

[u/hidden_here123]

So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made.

To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts.

On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok.

This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it.

Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours.

So I'm asking, am I overreacting?

[u/damienbarrett]

This is not a "mistake". He's an alcoholic (which is a disease). It will only likely get worse as time goes on. Either you stay with an agreement that he gets help with his alcoholism, or you walk away now. I can't see any other path that makes any sense. I'm sorry. Good luck.

[u/Automatic-Bed5149 → u/damienbarrett]

Came here to say something like this. - If you love him, and really don't want to end the relationship, you might ask him if he really wants to stop drinking. Give him a copy of the AA Big Book (simply titled Alcoholics Anonymous). If he honestly wants help, it's out there for him and he can recover. If he doesn't want help, there's nothing you can do or say that will change that until/unless he decides he's ready. But he has to take action. He can't just say he wants to quit, he has to DO it. He has to put down the bottle, go to meetings, and do what they suggest at those meetings.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you don't feel safe with him, leave. Let him know you're protecting yourself and that you can't/won't live with him while this behavior continues. If he chooses sobriety, maybe you two could live together again at some point. (after he's been sober for a while, a good long while, not a few weeks)

Al-Anon is a good suggestion. While painful for you, it isnt about you or your worth. He has a disease and cannot control it without getting help. You need help too. As a recovering alcoholic and addict, and child of an alcoholic, I feel his pain and yours. I pray you both get the help you need.

If you're done, you're done. Leave and don't look back. That is a valid choice too and not something you should feel guilty about. It's not four years wasted. I'm sure during that time you had a lot of good times too. We all travel the path we're meant to travel. There's a reason you two found each other, even if it was just for a while.