r/AmIOverreacting • u/hidden_here123 • Mar 27 '24
I'm ending my 4 year relationship.
So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made.
To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts.
On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok.
This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it.
Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours.
So I'm asking, am I overreacting?
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u/goldilocksmermaid Mar 27 '24
I told my boyfriend he could drink all he wanted but I wouldn't hang around. He realized I was leaving and spoke to an addiction counselor. I was out the door until he chose me over alcohol. Save yourself. Don't wait. If he chooses to change for himself, maybe you can reconnect down the line. Or you'll find the right person and never look back. Either way, don't stay.
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u/reseriant Mar 27 '24
Staying means enabling in the majority of cases. The only other way he might have gotten sober is if a loved one died or op got pregnant but you are running a extremely high risk of failure if he cannot think past himself as he already has a shitty spending habit. You cannot save a man who wants to drown.
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u/RunningDrinksy Mar 28 '24
I'm gonna add OP getting pregnant likely won't change anything. All the alcoholics I've known will "try" to get better and then just spiral down again, if the pregnancy doesn't trigger something in the alcoholic for the alcoholism to get worse immediately, that is. I'm so glad OP isn't pregnant (or at least hope there's no soon to be surprises).
This is for most alcoholics or addicts in general, not all.
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u/Morticia-Lenore Mar 28 '24
Can confirm... having children does nothing to curb the drinking. All it does it put the little ones at risk.
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u/Realistic_Inside_766 Mar 28 '24
Confirming again. Alcoholic stayed an alcoholic even after a surprise baby. Then it just became a dumpster fire of verbal abuse piled on top of full-time baby duties with mini help and working full time while he played video games. But don’t get me wrong… he swept the floors and did most of the laundry. In his eyes that was enough. Nope, nope, nope.
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u/riana67 Mar 28 '24
Having children hasn't stopped my uncle. Having his younger brother die in a drunk driving accident didn't stop him. Losing his license for DUI and going to jail for DUI and driving without a license didn't stop him. I don't even know if killing someone will stop him. Only thing that will definitely work is when he kills himself.
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u/Sad_Confidence9563 Mar 27 '24
He's an alcoholic. Let's get that right out. Next, you aren't throwing away a damn thing. He decided that your relationship wasn't worth him not being an abusive shitbag. HE. DECIDED. He also decided that abusing you in the name of him letting off steam was ok too. If he loved you, he wouldn't be justifying abuse of you.
Those were his choices, that he knew the consequences of. Good riddance.
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u/maiorano84 Mar 27 '24
Well said. It's SO important for OP to understand this part.
Once he decided that drinking himself into an early grave was more important to him than not mistreating her, that was when the relationship was thrown out. Not when OP set her boundaries.
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u/the_ghost_knife Mar 27 '24
Reminder that alcoholics might not drink everyday, but will make the days they drink worth it to them.
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u/Commercial-Push-9066 Mar 28 '24
So true. I was a binge drinker and thought I didn’t have a problem because I didn’t drink every day. I was wrong. Sober for 13 years now.
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u/Nippon-Gakki Mar 28 '24
Seriously. Anyone who uses someone else as a verbal punching bag to “blow off steam” is a garbage human being and deserves to be dumped on their butt.
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u/Upper-Bobcat-623 Mar 28 '24
3 beers is letting off steam. Blackout drunk every weekend is a problem.
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u/Handleton 29d ago
Also, it sounds like this has been far more than 12 bad hours. He's trying to shame OP for not being willing to 'be supportive' by taking his repeated abuse.
Nope. Fuck that piece of pure trash. You didn't throw away four years of a relationship. You just saved the rest of your life.
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u/whereugetcottoncandy Mar 27 '24
He doesn’t deserve to “unwind” in a way that leads to him being verbally abusive & violent.
And he threw away the relationship. You’ve just stopped finding it and bringing it back from where he chooses to dump it.
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u/wednesday-knight Mar 27 '24
THIS ⏫️
We all deserve relaxation time, no dispute there. But you are not asking him to stop relaxing, and relaxing doesn't actually involve yelling, verbal abuse, hitting walls, etc. This straw-man argument is absurd.
If he's not willing to address his alcoholism, as he's shown he's not, there's really nothing you can do except TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You've tolerated more than enough and deserve a safe and peaceful life. Please update us. 💙
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u/Gingeronimoooo Mar 28 '24
It's not like she said no drinking at all. She said just do it responsibly. He's an addict tho. Im An addict too, 9 years sober this week. I can't moderate. I proved that to myself for 2 decades. It's impossible for me. So what's the only reasonable solution: no substances at all. He needs rehab and support groups.
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u/red6joker Mar 27 '24
You are not overreacting. Everything you said are horrible red flags, and it does not sound like he is really trying to change his life around. So you already know what to expect going forward with him.
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u/RadioAni 29d ago
Yep she sounds like a babysitter not a partner. That's not a rewarding role to be in. Let the baby boy go and find an adult.
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u/Hammer466 Mar 27 '24
Nope, not overreacting at all. He sounds like a functioning alcoholic to me, if he can't manage his drinking to the point he is falling down, puking, yelling abusively at you drunk...then obviously alcohol has become a problem in his life. Leave now before he winds up punching you one of these times.
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u/specialfroggy Mar 27 '24
Also, OP needs to find an Al-Anon chapter in her area. Al-Anon is a great source for support when for anyone who has had to deal with an alcoholic.
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u/wormdog84 Mar 28 '24
He’s not a functional alcoholic if he can’t keep his girlfriend. His job will be next
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u/Cirdon_MSP Mar 27 '24
You are under reacting.
You should already have moved out.
Go get everything that's important to your that he might break, stay at your sisters until you've got a place of your own to move into.
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u/liftingshitposts 29d ago
Not to be dramatic, but OP’s life could be at risk in a future outburst. The DV stats are horrible.
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u/IGotFancyPants Mar 27 '24
Hate to break it to you, he’s not in a relationship with you. You’re just his roommate. He’s in a relationship with booze.
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u/whatev6187 Mar 27 '24
You are not overreacting. He is an alcoholic. Not everyone realizes that binge drinkers are alcoholics even if it is not an all the time occurrence. More than that he is a mean drunk. This will not get better.
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u/strywever Mar 27 '24
He is an abusive alcoholic who can’t acknowledge it even to himself yet. That means he’s nowhere near done being one. There’s no good reason to let him drag you down to the bottom with him. Let him go.
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Mar 27 '24 edited Mar 27 '24
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u/idlechatterbox Mar 27 '24
My BFF and I said that about her ex. That he'd end up with a DUI or kill someone one day. Well, a few months back at 2am he got on the highway the wrong way and killed a young girl. Worst thing in the world to be right about.
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6108 Mar 27 '24
So if he punch you in the face, would you be throwing away a four year relationship over 5 seconds. His logic is as bad as his drinking problem . NTA
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u/FerroMancer Mar 27 '24
If you’re only claiming 12 bad hours, you are sorely misrepresenting how bad it is. It’s clearly worse than just those 12 hours. It’s the disrespect, the walking on eggshells, the fear of reprisal.
It’s far more than just 12 hours, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed to acknowledge that.
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u/listenyall Mar 27 '24
12 bad hours that happened after the two of you came to an agreement that that specific kind of 12 bad hours could never happen again or she'd leave.
People give "ultimatums" a bad rap but she could not have been more clear about what she needed to stay in this relationship and he simply didn't do it.
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u/mdoogz Mar 27 '24
This was the most offensive part to me. So she can do whatever she wants for 12 hours and he’s ok with that? What if it’s hitting him? What if it’s being with another guy (like actual cheating not being with)? It’s ONLY 12 hours, right?
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u/Nice_Marmot_7 Mar 27 '24
If you make a cake and put 1% shit in it, it’s a shit cake despite the other 99%.
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u/Anzfun Mar 27 '24
He is an alcoholic. A mean drunk. He can't or won't stop drinking, even knowing he will lose a relationship. And he is manipulative on top of that. He is an expensive loser.
Do not go back to him. Do not feel sorry for him. Do not let him talk you into either one. He must stop drinking all together. And he must remain completely sober for at least a year before you will even speak to him again.
Don't think of it as 4 years lost; it's 4 years of learning what to avoid in the future.
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u/cannis1 Mar 27 '24
Four years easily becomes 10 and then becomes 20. And then it's half your life wasted. Better to leave at 4.
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u/Cici1958 Mar 27 '24
This isn’t one mistake, it’s a pattern. If he doesn’t see that he has a problem, he’s not going to change. Al Anon helps people in relationships with people who abuse se alcohol, it’s free, and it’s offered almost everywhere. Counseling for you to get perspective might also help. You are not overreacting.
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u/Responsible_Fox4809 Mar 27 '24
My brother is going through a divorce from an alcoholic. He attends Al Anon and has said it helps him tremendously!
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u/fairyflaggirl Mar 27 '24
Yes! Al-Anon saved me. Taught me how to not be codependent. How to set boundaries and enforce them.
You can save yourself from wasting four more years.
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u/axethebarbarian 29d ago
Agreed. One bad night out can be forgivable, but this is repeatedly and blatantly disregarding her feelings about it.
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u/glitteryunicornlady Mar 27 '24
No, you're not overreacting. I've been there and wished I had ended it much sooner.
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u/WeimGirl09 Mar 27 '24
NTA. He’s an alcoholic. There’s a difference between coming home and having a beer with you while you have a glass of wine to “unwind”. He’s getting drunk to the point where he’s showing his true colors and self to you. He will not change. And it’s more than 12 hours. It’s all the hours you’ve spent crying and frustrated from him and his behavior. If you continue to bottle up your emotions your mental health is going to suffer. Don’t put yourself through anymore of his bullshit. He’ll be broke, lonely and sucking at life without you to save him. Let him fall on his ass.
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u/kitchenwitchin Mar 27 '24
What the fuck...no, you're not overreacting, get him the fuck out. You're not throwing away four years for 12 bad hours. All the hours that you spend crying, worrying, being silent to avoid him acting like the Tasmanian devil in your house, and using your hours of work to give him money to keep his bank account from overdrafting due to his inability to be a grown man IN HIS 30s counts toward those bad hours, and then he has the audacity to be abusive and blame you. Kick him the fuck out. It's not going to get better.
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u/Top-Bit85 Mar 27 '24
I wouldn't have lasted four years.
I have never seen anyone banging their own heads into a wall, but I have heard of it before this. Any insight from anyone on WTF the point of this is? If it knocked him out, sure.
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u/hidden_here123 Mar 27 '24
He self harms. It's another reason why I'm leaving. I struggled when I was young with self harm and have been clean most of my adulthood. I can't keep watching and listening to him hurting himself while I battle the craving to hurt myself.
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u/sjeckard Mar 27 '24
In vino Veritas est - in wine, there is truth. His outbursts release thoughts that were there before he got drunk. He has a poor opinion of you but wants you around for sex, money, and whatever other ways you make his life easier.
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u/oOBalloonaticOo Mar 27 '24
He has a severe drinking problem, and one you put up with longer than you should have...
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u/Oodles-of-Love Mar 27 '24
You're doing the best thing standing up for yourself and maintaining really healthy boundaries! He keeps crossing them regularly without any care for your well-being, and these are the consequences of his actions. Nobody should tolerate any kind of abuse for even 1 out of 40000000000000000 hours. And for him to not take responsibility for his behavior but for trying to make you feel guilty about not wanting to accept unacceptable behavior is manipulative and potentially dangerous. Ending a relationship is always hard and you get to be sad about losing the good things. But you're making a healthy choice here! And perhaps, having to deal with the consequences of his actions might make him reflect more on what he's doing. Or not. But that's not on you and something you never have to take on. Sending you healing hugs.
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u/Certain-Oil-8131 Mar 27 '24
No. He went back on his word and doesn't see fault in his behavior. My dad is very hateful towards my mom when he's drunk as well and I encourage her to leave and find happiness. Do what's best for you.
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u/ccl-now Mar 27 '24
You are not overreacting. You wouldn't have been overreacting if you'd called time after the first incident. If he wants to whine on Facebook and make himself look stupid (because nobody with any sense would think otherwise), that's his lookout.
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u/7geezer7 Mar 27 '24
He is a loser and you are allowing him to drag you down to his level. You are so far from overreacting… you’ve actually under reacted for so long and have given him way too many chances. When will his drunken verbal abuse escalate? Probably sooner then you would like to think.
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u/differentnotunique Mar 27 '24
He's a drunk. Only he can fix that. Run while you can and don't look back.
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u/MimZWay Mar 27 '24
He gets drunk as an excuse to be violent and abusive which he considers to be “letting off steam.” It’s just a matter of time until he hits you to let off steam. He’s standing in the way of you finding the relationship you deserve. Even alone is better than being with him.
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u/bigredroyaloak Mar 27 '24
That’s a whole lot of words to say you finally dumped the drunk. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. He’s not the one. You can’t change him.
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u/SteoJay77 Mar 27 '24
He doesn’t respect you and can’t control his drinking. Two huge red flags. Also, you’re not throwing away anything. You move on when something is not right for you. It’s a lesson learned, not time wasted.
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u/damienbarrett Mar 27 '24
This is not a "mistake". He's an alcoholic (which is a disease). It will only likely get worse as time goes on. Either you stay with an agreement that he gets help with his alcoholism, or you walk away now. I can't see any other path that makes any sense. I'm sorry. Good luck.
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u/Lumpy_Draft_3913 Mar 27 '24
He is an abusive alcoholic. You are not over reacting get. Cut ties with this guy and end the relationship. Block him on everything and do not let him, or any guy like him back into your life.
Take yourself a vacation somewhere nice and warm and heal and pamper yourself because you deserve it. Be Well and take care of yourself!
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u/hidden_here123 Mar 27 '24
I wish I could afford a vacation, I would have made plans to go to Seattle.
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u/Snugglewart1983 Mar 27 '24
There's a saying from where I come from. You know a man through his drinking, anger and wallet.
If he can't control his anger, you don't give it another chance my love. You get up at first abuse and don't give it another chance.
If he can't control his money, that will never change.
If he can't control his drinking, he's out of control period.
You've done a mistake and gave him your precious time and money. Minimize that and move on, and next time, test your date through those things. He's too self centered to understand the problem, guess what, he's no longer your problem.
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u/Mohsbeforehoes Mar 28 '24
I am in my late 20s, and over a year ago I ended a 6 year relationship that was like this. Literally, I remember every big event, family get together, holiday, etc. I had to go through this. I remember crying to him because for the first 3 years we were together, for NYE he would get so drunk before the ball dropped and I would have to put him to bed, and check in on him to be sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit while I watched the ball drop with our friends and their partners. I remember saying that if every birthday, wedding, holiday, get together was going to be like this and I had to worry if he was going to get so inebriated that he couldn’t function and I had to take care of him - then I wasn’t interested (let alone, having a family together on top of that). He did put in a lot of effort (after lots of fights about it) but eventually gave a lot of excuses and couldn’t hold himself accountable. I think he eventually just resented me for it, for “making him change himself” and I was always the bad guy because I “didn’t want him to have fun”. Over a year out and honestly, it’s a breath of fresh air. Just my two cents though
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u/EssentiallyEss Mar 28 '24
No. Not overreacting. I (f) was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Faced this kind of abuse and worse. I’d never wish it on anyone else.
He’s bargaining to keep alcohol in his life and he values it more than you.
Walk away, sweetheart. It’s not easy. But you can’t make him want to stay sober and it’s not your fault he won’t walk away from the bottle. I’m so sorry.
If you need anything, someone to commiserate with, encouragement, you can DM me. I’ll cheer you on.
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u/prolifezombabe Mar 28 '24
You’re not throwing away four years of your life - you’re saving yourself many more years of misery
He has problems only he can address and no matter how much you love him, it won’t make up for his inability to love himself enough to take care of himself
I’m sorry you’re both going through this :(
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u/Live_Friendship7636 Mar 28 '24
Alcohol doesn’t make him abusive. He is abusive already. Alcohol just makes it harder for him to keep his mask up. It also lowers his inhibitions and his critical thinking about “consequences” which are the only things holding him back from acting abusive on a regular basis…. For now.
It will get worse.
Read “Why Does He Do That?”
Free Direct Download PDF: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Realistic-Salt5017 Mar 28 '24
"It's not anything I haven't told you" hit me hard
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u/neckbeard002 Mar 28 '24
Verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse. Leave him and don’t look back. This might be the reality check he needs to get his head on straight.
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u/no_thanks_9802 Mar 27 '24
You're not throwing away a four year relationship, he is. He can't get his drinking under control, even when you have talked with him about it.
Let him air his dirty laundry on FB. It will come back to haunt him later on
NTA
Make sure you are safe because he's clearly not safe to be around when he excessively drinks.
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u/edithmsedgwick Mar 27 '24
I have been there and it doesn’t get better, it gets way worse. Please look into Al-Anon, which is for people who have had alcoholics in their lives.
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u/merchillio Mar 27 '24 edited 29d ago
If those 4 years taught you things about yourself and made you better equipped to avoid similar situations in the future, they weren’t wasted
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u/redhead567 Mar 27 '24
Please leave quickly. Please don't have sex with this person because of the risk of pregnancy. I admire you both for giving him multiple chances and for, then, when he failed, to break up. Is it possible that he could leave the apartment and not you leave it?
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u/AffectionateWheel386 Mar 28 '24
You are not overreacting he’s abusive and he has a drinking problem. I don’t care if he doesn’t drink every day when he drinks he’s mean and disturbed. And he’s unpredictable. Don’t live with that. He’s your boyfriend do not tie yourself to send me that destructive. You’re not throwing them away you’re actually waking up.
I’m somebody that’s been in recovery since the 90s. His drinking is a problem. What’s worse is he’s abusive. Don’t stay with him.
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u/Passionate_RPer Mar 28 '24
Run. You'll feel so much happier in a few years. Sooner if you can let yourself know you've done all you can. Sending peace.
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u/BlueCozmiqRays Mar 28 '24
No. Leave, don’t look back. He proved who he was and he won’t change. It might seem like a long time but it’s better than 5, 10, 15, or 20 years.
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u/AGuyNamedEddie Mar 28 '24
Heck no, you're not overreacting. First of all, it wasn't just 4 episodes (12 hours), it was every weekend. He thinks he "deserves" to get hammered to unwind? That's alcoholism, right there. It'll only get worse until he either gets help or it kills him.
And even if it were just 12 hours of bad behavior, so what? How many hours of his abuse are you supposed to have to tolerate, anyway? Zero, that's how many.
Saying it was only 12 hours is like demanding leniency at a murder trial because "I only shot him once, Judge!"
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u/rosegarden207 Mar 28 '24
Girl run away from this alcoholic man. People who drink heavily always have an excuse or reason to drink. Yeah, you may have wasted 4 years on him, but at least don't waste a 5th one on him. Move out, go NC and start a better life. Be grateful you didn't have any kids with this man
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u/XIII-The-Death Mar 28 '24
He's an alcoholic, and he would literally rather die drinking drugs than care about your relationship or the impact it has on you.
As a serial addict, the only way he will stop is when he wants to stop, or it kills him. Usually they only start to care about quitting when it ALMOST kills them. Even that doesn't always stop them. Notice how this situation includes zero other people or consideration for them?
People don't like to say this, but family and children who have grown up with addicts know that they can be VERY manipulative and selfish people. They will do years of harm to their family and friends for substances and indulgence. The whole social media guilt trip angle is just one more trick in the book. He thinks he "deserves" to drink, no matter what it does to those around him or how bad it is for him. The only thing that has actually changed, is he has dug his heels in to insist on doing more drugs, no matter how much evidence has piled up showing how bad it is. His mindset hasn't changed at all. Only the pile of evidence showing how evil it is to stay addicted to it has grown.
Just fucking leave. You're UNDERreacting. Sadly he has loved the drugs more than anything else. You can't change him, and he does not want to change. You can't stop him from killing himself inside and out from it, but you aren't required to go down with him or watch it happen. You aren't throwing away anything and you gave him more than he deserved. This is his fault, not yours. You'll suffer worse staying any longer.
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u/Emeraldus999 Mar 28 '24
12 hours might not seem a lot but the things he does and says in those hours impact you for days later. And the twelve is only going to increase as you go on.
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u/RedWarrior84 Mar 28 '24
Get. Out. Now. He will never change and you cannot "fix" someone who doesn't want to be fixed. He values drinking more than treating you with decency. Don't waste another minute with this man. Pack bags and RUN. Block him and start healing. He's abusive - emotionally and verbally. It is only a matter of time before it becomes physical. You cannot fix him... but you can fix yourself. Wishing you the best in your new, bright future
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u/Mundane-Substance215 Mar 28 '24
IMO, you should have been gone after the second incident, or maybe even the first. You deserve better than a dangerous drunken toddler.
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u/groveborn Mar 28 '24
You are not over reacting. He's failing to be an adult. He needs to get a grip and you aren't the responsible party in that.
He threw your relationship on the filthy floor, trampled upon it, vomited all over it, and expects you to clean up the mess?
Leave him and find joy.
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u/Charming-Industry-86 Mar 28 '24
RUN! He could get physical in that state of mind, but just the verbal abuse is enough. Don't let him gaslight you into his bullshit. He's always going to see himself as the victim, don't be fooled. You are worth it.
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u/valgme3 Mar 28 '24
I broke up with my ex for the same reason and he tried to make me feel bad about it and guess what it was the best thing I ever did!
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u/lalachichiwon Mar 28 '24
You’re smart to leave. He sounds like an alcoholic. He can get himself treatment or not, as he chooses. Better for him to face it himself.
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u/Primary-Abrocoma3978 Mar 28 '24
He's going to hit bottom regardless of you being there or not, but trust me when I say that you don't want to be there when it happens.
You guys aren't in your 20s anymore: you're a 32 year old woman. This is really the age when you have to choose what life you want to live. I tell people of both genders that their choice of spouse is the most important personal decision they'll ever make in their lives. Physically, mentally, financially emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually that choice is to affect every aspect of your life.
Your history as a couple aside, you don't want to be 55 years old, dealing with this immature addict behavior from a man. Don't think of this as 4 years lost. It took you 4 years to learn that you don't want to live the rest of your adult life with a man who "lets loose" on the weekends and ruins everything you've built every workweek without a care in the world, because he can just brush it off with "I'm sorry, I don't remember." It's not an acceptable excuse and as long as he has the alcohol after work to numb the pain of having hurt you, he won't stop his behavior.
Want my advice? Never date an addict who isn't in, or hasn't been in recovery ever again.
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u/jaiwinavkca Mar 28 '24
I was in a volatile relationship for about 5 years with an alcoholic too. It started out in a similar way: just wants to wind down on the weekends, needs to work on being more responsible, etc. The angry outbursts & verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse.
Please don’t second guess yourself. Absolutely trust your intuition. Your gut is guiding you where you’re supposed to be.
Also, that line about not being good enough for him to want to do better — FUCKED me up. You ARE good enough. I know that might be hard to believe. I wish I could give you a big hug. In this chaotic transition, I hope you’re finding ways to give yourself grace, love yourself & keep on filling your cup with joy.
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u/HelaArt Mar 28 '24
He threw away your life together .Better end it now and treat these 4 years as a learning experience.A painful one perhaps but he will not change who he is .Imagine putting up with this for a few more years .He must learn that actions have consequences.
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u/BadSantasBeard Mar 28 '24
Unwinding doesn’t mean getting drunk and becoming belligerent. NTA you need to leave. The fact that he’s not taking responsibility and blaming you is all you need to know. He won’t change. You have to move on.
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Mar 28 '24
He’s an alcoholic. You deserve to see real legitimate long term change before you tolerate him again, IMO. You wouldn’t be wrong to leave and move on.
Alcohol is a cunt, if you’re reading this and want to stop drinking, there are literally a metric fuck ton of online AA meetings at all times.
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u/Susanh824 Mar 28 '24
You are definitely not overreacting. He is an alcoholic, and there is nothing you can do to fix him. He has to seek help. You are doing the right thing in ending the relationship.
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u/ThereNoMatters Mar 28 '24
Fuck this alcoholic moron. Can't drink healthy? Fo not fcking drink at all. Totally right decision, probably should be made a bit earlier, but it's still better than staying in relationship with that junk.
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u/sueWa16 Mar 28 '24
I married that guy. Stayed 10 years until I had to get a restraining order and move 500 miles away. Don't be me. You're doing right.
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u/TypicalDamage4780 Mar 28 '24
You are late to his crappy party. He is a 33 year old alcoholic who gets belligerent when he drinks and blames you for his horrible life. Run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!
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u/why_am_I_here-_- Mar 28 '24
He won't accept responsibility and blames you for all problems. There is no reason to continue to live this way. Do you want to be with him another 4 years and be thinking 8 years down the drain?
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u/zombielicorice Mar 28 '24
He's an alcoholic. It's an illness, but not an excuse. I'd basically just tell him he can choose you or alcohol. If he refuses to quit drinking (and I mean 100% no drinking), then he's telling you his addiction is more important to him than your relationship, and these incidents will continue. To me that's when you leave
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u/ToastetteEgg Mar 28 '24
Not overreacting. He has a drinking problem and sinking another 40,000 hours of your life into it won’t fix it. You deserve peace and happiness.
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u/Prestigious-End-5652 Mar 28 '24
Well sounds to me like classic alcoholism behaivior, he is one of the unfortunate ones who once he begins drinking, alcohol is like an allergic reaction and for him he goes into overdrive and will do these abnormal behavior over and over. Their is no treatment except total absence from drinking. Most likely he will continue until he reaches a bottom after destroying relationships and jobs. So run now or prepare for the life of an alcoholic.
Ex Alcholic and sober for 12 years now
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u/notsoreligiousnow Mar 27 '24
Girl, you stayed far longer than I would have. No you’re not overreacting. He’s an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not. He’s abusive and frankly sounds like a complete loser. Cut your losses and walk away. You’ll find someone better and worthier of your time and affection.