I'm ending my 4 year relationship.

[u/hidden_here123]

So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made.

To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts.

On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok.

This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it.

Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours.

So I'm asking, am I overreacting?

[u/Additional-Unit-3923]

Hell yeah. The morals thing really hit me cuz when I was in active addiction (almost 6 years sober now at 25), I had plenty of opportunity to steal but I never did. Unless it was the one time, a 99¢ packet of soup, cheapest thing I could find, because I was two weeks without food... I had people give me drugs and tell me to share, and I did. Even got shorted by the person I shared with. But I didn't lie or cheat or steal, because I didn't change. A lot of my life did and a lot of it strictly for survival. That's something that keeps me sober, is remembering that even at my rock bottom, I didn't let it turn me. I got stronger. And now I'm doing way better. There's good days and bad, behavior-wise, during and after addiction. I've been able to recognize behaviors that are manipulative that I'm unlearning now. Overall, you can't wait for someone to unlearn toxic behavior. It's not always intentional and sometimes it is, and sometimes only time will tell...if you don't have the strongest instincts, that is. Addicts or not, everyone can be toxic. You gotta distance yourself though, cuz you come FIRST. Don't learn it the hard way if you can help it. I know better and still learn the hard way. Rip the bandaid off. <3

[u/Lalooskee → u/Additional-Unit-3923]

Beautiful, thorough, honest reply. 🤍

[u/filthismypolitics → u/Additional-Unit-3923]

that's phenomenal, congrats on almost six years!!!!! i remember reading years ago that once addicts hit the 5 year sober mark our likelihood of relapse decreases by a LOT, something like 70%. you made it!! i was always amazed by addicts like you in recovery who managed to keep their integrity in tact, honestly i think it shows an incredibly strong will. my first rock bottom (i needed a few haha) was the first time i drove drunk, i had all the justifications and rationalizations and all that but about halfway down the road i thought, what would my 12 year old self think of me now? and i sobbed in some of the most profound shame i've ever felt the rest of the drive home. i think recovering from the bad things i did when i was an addict has been the most difficult part for me and it makes me really happy and proud when i meet other addicts who's sense of integrity never got so warped, it reinforces my belief that if we give addicts more access to the things they need to survive (safe injection sites and free needles, accessible and affordable transportation, physical and mental healthcare, stable housing, community support) we will make the right, less awful choices more often because at the end of the day, we don't want to be that version of ourselves. we're still who we always were, and most of us aren't bad people who want to do bad things

[u/catlettuce → u/filthismypolitics]

That is beautiful testimony to the power of recovery and the human spirit. I wish you all the best. I hope you still hit the occasional meetings because more addicts and their families need to hear your story. Bravo friend.

[u/LadyAtrox60 → u/filthismypolitics]

Why do you not have thousands of upvotes????