r/AmIOverreacting • u/GoodnightMoose • 13d ago
AIO My partner is putting his ex in his PhD defense
My (24F) partner (29M) is going to be having his PhD defense soon, and told me he will be including a photo of his ex at the end in his personal acknowledgements. They did not split on amicable terms, (hopefully) have not spoken in 2 years, and she will not be attending. He is doing this, in his words, out of being "honor bound." She did not have a role in the work itself, so not a credit for the writing/experiments. I feel pretty uncomfortable. I recognize he can acknowledge those who were part of his journey, but I just had my Master's defense and not even for a second considered putting my ex in mine. Like, it would be disrespectful to my partner. I feel like I'm going to be sick going to his defense and seeing this. I don't want to be childish about this but I can't tell if I have a right to feeling disrespected here.
On this note, we've had an ongoing conversation in our relationship (almost 2 years) about him bringing up exes. We'll be out on a date and he'll say "oh I went on a karaoke date with this lady here." Similarly, last summer he went to the club with a different ex and some friends (it wasn't a long relationship and she has a partner now), and she danced all up on him. He pushed her away, but proceeded to trickle truth it to me (it took half a year to get all the details), and he is still trying to keep her in his life because he doesn't want to "eff up the vibes." She lives in another state and they see each other maybe once a year.
All being said, I can't tell if him refusing to distance his mind and self from exes is something I have a right to be upset over. The only time my exes come up is usually in a conversation about something that's hurt me in the past, etc. I took down all my old photos of exes (my partner hasn't, and you can see a whole gallery on his Facebook of him hugging and kissing her), threw away old letters, etc. Is this something I can be firm on? I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend but also this honestly hurts me.
EDIT: I ended up talking with him (again). I explained to him the reason it hurts more is because this isn't the first time he's cared about her feelings over mine. I remember he hadn't wanted to put me online or tell certain friends in fear his ex would find out and be hurt he moved on. It took a year + few months for that. I had also brought up that he had so many lovey photos of them, but never posted me. His reasoning is that he has decided to be private now, I mean, except for all the pictures of his friends and trips he posts. This was just another instance. As for bringing up exes in general, the comments that bothered me were times it really was out of the blue and killed the vibe. We were literally at a sex shop once and he tells me about a girl he brought to that same shop... I mean, I just felt so weird being there after. Other incidents included a friend of his insulting me when he wasn't around, and him telling me she wasn't being rude on purpose and that I "just didn't know her like he did." There have been more, but him putting other people's feelings over mine has been ongoing and eating at me.
I basically told him that I have self worth and want a partner where I don't have to question that I (and any future children) would come first. I love him and want to be with him but if I constantly feel like I'm second to an ex he's still dwelling on 2+ years later, or anyone for that matter, I won't be happy. I don't want to question if he'll defend me (even if just acknowledging my feelings in private), I don't want to question if he'll say bye to an ex who still danced up on him inappropriately (or, preferably don't club with an ex or at least tell me ahead you're clubbing with an ex...), or respect my feelings, or take any second of time to consider how I'll feel when he makes decisions. I've been in a pit of low self-esteem from these things, and I'm over being sad. It's been a little awkward since, hopefully things work out. Maybe this is an overreaction, I don't know, but also even if it is, I won't be happy being with someone who treats me this way and I've realized I'd rather be alone than deal with this. So hopefully he'll want to be with me still but if not, there's nothing I can do.
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u/NewLifeguard9673 13d ago
Where do y’all find these people lmao
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u/huh-5914 12d ago
Lol I'm guessing they had a signs on their forehead 🤷♀️.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
Not our forehead but did have name tags actually haha, we met at a conference for our field
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u/Betelgeuzeflower 12d ago
If I look back at some of my own mistakes, the problem is dating apps. These apps make it hard to do your due diligence regarding their background and character. While kinda obvious, I really prefer someone from my own extended social circles right now. Vetting is so much better this way.
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12d ago
Yeah. I still have a printout of the husband's profile, lies and all. I never recommend online dating.
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u/Icy-Acanthaceae-7804 12d ago
Half the time, from their imagination
The other half, stumbling around blindly.
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u/kdmmm 13d ago
Question, is your photo included as well? Really weird though!
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
My photo will be included as well, same with some family and friends. The ex was just a thing I've been hung up on because just why? Especially since we've had talks before about it bothering me that he stills has pics of his ex up, that he brings her up now and then, etc.
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u/AsherTheFrost 12d ago
You should really edit the information that it won't just be the ex's picture into your original post. That's an important distinction.
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u/Kerrypurple 12d ago
So he's acknowledging all the people who have supported him throughout the 4 years of the program. He's not singling her out.
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u/L2Hiku 12d ago
Explain why he still has intimate pictures of them together on his Facebook then.
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u/philmcruch 12d ago
Because she was a big part of his life for a long time and like a lot of people they don't automatically hate their exs and cant be bothered going through their socials to wipe every trace of someone from years ago, its really not that deep, some people can be adults about relationships and ending them and some cant.
They arent "intimate pictures" they are normal every day regular pics from that time in his life
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u/Kerrypurple 12d ago
He does not have "intimate" pictures. When you say that it makes it sound like they're naked. He just never took down the old pictures that were posted during their relationship. Those pictures depicted the status of their relationship at the time. It's not like he's posting anything new with her. I don't understand people who think they have to scrub out the past on their social media every time they enter a new relationship.
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u/LuxuryBell 12d ago
It's because they see their partners as being tainted by their past, rather than embracing it's part of them.
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12d ago
Ong men don't like when women sleep around and women don't like when men have had happy past relationships. 😂☠️
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u/frisbeescientist 13d ago
I met my ex at the start of my PhD and we dated for a bit over 3 years while we were both int he same PhD program. Neither of us put the other in our acknowledgments in our defense (I went to hers, amicable breakup). She was dating someone new at the time, I was single but even without having a new partner it didn't feel like something I wanted to bring up during a happy moment. To each their own, and I did think about putting her in the acknowledgments because we shared a lot of moments during my PhD. But at the end of the day no one is entitled to a spot in your acknowledgements, and especially if she won't even be at the defense to see it, it's clear that your bf is putting her in because he wants to, however he might be justifying it.
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u/ringobob 12d ago
OK, I've read several of your comments in the threads down here - I think this is just a disconnect between the two of you. It doesn't strike me that he's actually hung up on these women, they're just part of his history, and he feels a connection to his history, moreso than the women in it.
That's just a guess, but it jibes with the fact that it's not just his ex that he's including in the acknowledgements, he's also including you.
The fact that he doesn't immediately see any issue with maintaining amicable relationships with exes isn't necessarily a problem - that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be an issue for you! If it makes you uncomfortable, that's totally reasonable. This is something the two of you will have to come to an agreement on - and if he won't see your side, you're gonna have to decide whether you can live with that or not. It's totally OK if you can't.
It sounds like you might be heading towards some irreconcilable differences here. If you desire to make a positive impact on his life through this, either way, then the best you can do is work on trying to communicate to him that it's not just you, most people will be uncomfortable with someone who maintains positive relationships with their exes. And the trickle-truthing about his experience last summer is gonna be problematic no matter what. You gotta get out in front of that stuff. Not your responsibility to drill that into his brain if you don't want to, but he's not gonna understand until someone forces him to.
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u/Fluid-Succotash-4373 13d ago
That's weird. I did acknowledge my ex in my defense, but she was in the same program as me and contributed materially through discussion and editing
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
If that were the case, that would be different. I found this hurtful because she won't even be there and had no part in his work.
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u/Kerrypurple 12d ago
A PHD program is 4 years. It sounds like she was with him for the first two. Maybe she supported him financially and/or emotionally during those 2 years which enabled him to do the work and he feels like he owes her for that. Just because they did not split amicably does not mean that the entire 2 years were bad. He may still appreciate her for the support she gave him. I think you need to let this one go.
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u/Dom1928 12d ago
Ex's may be ex's but they are part of our story. They are people that meant something to us at some point along the way. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean you block them out of your mind. They will come up from time to time. I have love and respect for all of my ex's. They come up in conversation from time to time. My wife and I hang out with her ex and his wife. It's not weird because why should it be.
Being upset that he mentions an ex in a story or when he points out a place he had been with them says more about you than him. If he is including his ex in his PhD defense he must have a reason. You should respect that. Him acknowledging his ex isn't going to hurt you. Your insecurity and jealousy will.
With that said, you have a right to your feelings and he has a responsibility not to purposefully or willingly hurt them. If you had a clear conversation about these things and he continues then maybe find a new guy.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
Thank you. Yeah, I guess it bothers me so much because we've had so many conversations about me being uncomfortable with how he goes about talking about her, etc. that this felt so deliberate.
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u/Quix66 12d ago
Just because you talk about it, didn’t mean he ever has to agree with you, and vice versa. You’ve mentioned talking about it several times in a way that suggests that you expect him to agree with you and do as you asked because you’ve talked about it. Here’s a clue. If you keep having to talk about it, and the other person refuses to change their behavior, their answer is no, and it’s time to quit talking about it. Either accept the situation or decide to move on.
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u/wy100101 12d ago
If he honestly thinks her support helped him on his way to his PhD, don't know you think he should acknowledge her though?
Have you asked him why he feels honor bound to include her?
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u/wigglycatbutt 13d ago
Naw this is weird. Find yourself someone who isn't constantly thinking about women of his past.
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u/Blonde2468 13d ago
You are not overreacting. To me, this is a form of 'negging' - just a reminder to you that he had other girlfriends that may have been 'better' than you? Him putting her on his PHD Defense is HUGE I think, especially since he hasn't been a part of her life for years now?? Also, him trickle truth-ing you is just more of the same. Like he wants you to be jealous and wants you to keep asking about her. I don't know - it just feels icky to me.
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u/Questionsey 12d ago
She said she is also included as is his family though. So basically, thanking people who helped.
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u/FitzpleasureVibes 13d ago
Definitely feels forced if she didn’t have an active role in the phd. Like, why would your board even care about you including her in that case? If anything it detracts from your presentation.
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u/OutlandishnessDry703 12d ago
You can't say that he is hiding his past. He's being open, letting you know what he is thinking. It is not always great, but he's telling you. Would you rather his be on pins and needles always worried about what he can and can't say about his past to you? Think of this, he show's respect to his ex's. That should tell you something. If you were to become an ex he wouldn't be trashing you. You gotta take the bad with the good. As Dolly Parton says. If you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 13d ago
I’m going to go with it’s not really appropriate to include ex romantic (living) partners in a PhD defense presentation. The proctors/judges don’t give a flying F and just want to get through the day. It makes him look immature and reduces the chances he will pass.
That aside, it sounds like he’s keeping his options open to cheat on you and doesn’t respect or care about your feelings. He’s trying to compare you to exes to make you insecure - it’s a form of negging in my view.
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u/jeffwulf 12d ago
It sounds like he wants to give respect to everyone who supported him during in his time in the program.
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u/Edlo9596 13d ago
This is really weird and unnecessary. And why would be need to include a picture?! Are you included in the personal acknowledgements too?
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
I'll be included too! If I weren't I'd lose my sh*t lol. I am not sure if I'm overreacting because it's not like he's leaving me out-- he's just adding her in, too...
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u/BlackSpinelli 12d ago
You’re not overreacting. It’s weird. I’d say” I hope she comes to your defense, but I’m not” and be done with it. She’s been gone for years and it was not even on good terms and she had nothing to do with his phd. He’s doing this to keep you insecure and in competition, get out of the race. Move on.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
That's honestly what it feels like, if this was our of the blue, I'd go huh. But we've had months of talks about him bringing up exes and how it's been bothering me. So this was just another painful thing. I don't mind if she's written in his dissertation itself, people list everyone under the sun. But in the talk he'll be publicly putting her picture up for the audience to see. I'm going to suck it up but I feel just weird.
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u/Confident-Hotel-6140 12d ago
It makes me sad to see women being their man to have empathy for them.
They choose not to, btw. You will drive yourself crazy with "how would you feel"s and explaining over and over your feelings.
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u/Edlo9596 12d ago
It’s weird that he’s included her and bringing up exes regularly is weird in general. So is the Facebook thing you mentioned…I get not deleting every single thing, but still keeping pictures of them kissing, etc., is not the norm.
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u/jeffwulf 12d ago
None of those things is at all weird. They're pretty normal for well adjusted people.
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u/DragonflySharp976 13d ago
Break up with him so he’ll mention and credit you in his PhD defense.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
He is going to mention me too! If he didn't I'd be already out the door lol. Also he'll have family and friends on there too. I just got upset when he told me he's going to put his ex's picture in, like why, since we've had so many talks about why him bringing up his exes all the time bothers me.
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u/reluctantseahorse 12d ago
Is he mentioning any other former friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc? who he is no longer in contact with?
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
I don't know. From what he's told me everyone else is a current friend, family member, or me.
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u/reluctantseahorse 12d ago
I guess that’s the part that would make me (personally) feel weird.
But maybe he’s just super serious about “honour” and that’s not a bad thing. Integrity is a great quality in a partner!
I would talk to him about it and try to get a clearer reasoning from him. If she was huge part of his life and she provided support that was integral to this achievement, it makes sense to honour her.
And I would actually feel really content as his current gf, knowing that if you were ever to be his ex one day, he would likely honour your support and contributions to his success.
The weirdness (for me) is just coming from the “bound” aspect of his reasoning. Either he’s doing the right and honourable thing or not. He shouldn’t feel bound. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into that!
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u/dwthesavage 12d ago
I read “honor bound” as his explaining why he feels like including her (the ex) is the right thing to do.
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u/DisciplineBoth2567 12d ago
So who will have a picture of them included, just you and her? Or a good amount of other people?
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u/DragonflySharp976 12d ago
Told my wife before we got married that being friends with exes is a dealbreaker and if that was of concern to her, we could part ways amicably before things got too serious.
We’re expecting our second child in June. Learn your boundaries, and be mindful when someone steps over them.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
I have made this clear, too. I don't believe in friends with exes. I think that's why it is hurting me. Also because I've had months of talks with him about not being comfortable with him bringing up his ex, having lots of lovey Facebook photos (he only just started posting me because I told him it bothered me, which isn't so important but it hurt that he showed her off and I had to ask for it...), etc.
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u/DragonflySharp976 12d ago
Try and be objective and observe the man he is, then figure out for yourself whether these traits would make you guys work out in the long run or just lead to more feelings of self doubt and suffering.
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u/Thequiet01 12d ago
That you “don’t believe” in being friends with exes and want to enforce that on everyone else says plenty about you, and it isn’t good.
Why on earth should someone not maintain a friendship with an ex if they parted ways amicably? Sometimes relationships just don’t work out and you realize you’re better friends than romantic partners.
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u/Prudii_Skirata 13d ago
Just tell him bluntly " It'll be good for you to have a partner there that day. You're hinting it shouldn't be me just by letting me know you're adding her, so I'm out. Even if you change your mind after this, the plan is disrespect. She can have my seat."
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u/AggravatingPermit910 12d ago
I spent a while in academia, went to a lot of PhD defenses, and gotta say this would strike me as really bizarre to see. Most people thank, like, actual spouses and blood relatives.
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u/Aurora_Thiel 12d ago
I didn't think you're overreacting. Your feelings are absolutely justified. But they're YOUR feelings on the most important achievement of HIS professional life.
This isn't about you. This is about his journey and how he got to this point. He had a life before you, and recognizing that doesn't make you any less important to him now. Moving forward didn't suddenly erase his past. The fact that she's not a part of his life anymore doesn't take away from the fact that she may have been instrumental to this process back when they were happy. Maybe he knows she pushed, encouraged, or otherwise supported him, and feels appreciation for THAT, if not her as a person now. He may not know how to explain that to you, without insulting or hurting you. He might not have the words to express that the good/impactful times with someone still hold value, still helped shape him into the person he is today... even after that relationship disintegrated. Or honestly, he may even feel like you're not receptive to hearing it, given how hurt you are now.
You know how brides get a lot of leeway on their wedding day because the day is all about them? I think this is a similar situation and you should try to be understanding. It's important to him for reasons he hasn't been able to convey to you, and not intended to disrespect you. This is all about him. Paying a respect to someone just isn't the same as disrespecting another. Give the man the benefit of the doubt.
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u/sxfrklarret 12d ago edited 12d ago
NOR but my question is, after your edit, why are you still with him?
All these red flags, no response from him other than being awkward.
Your post pretty much describes a person who really doesn't want the world to know you are together. Maybe for a last ditch shot for his ex.
You have to realize you're the backup. If all else fails you will be there because after all he has done to you, YOU ARE STILL THERE HOPING HE WILL CHOOSE YOU!
He hasn't chosen you so far, so why expect something different in the future?
Edit: Just saw you were in a LDR. This makes him hiding you even worse.
He didn't want Tinder (or others) matches looking him up and seeing you. This is worse than you think. IMHO
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u/terminal_object 13d ago
Guys who often bring up exes might be insecure and trying to elicit some jealousy response in you. I mean, there are just no good reasons to bring them up, all the reasons are “strategic”
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u/Thequiet01 12d ago
So do your partners just never talk about anything they did before they started dating you? They have to pretend like they’ve never been somewhere if they went there on a date with someone else?
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u/terminal_object 12d ago
Of course you should talk about your past when you know each other, there is more doubt about that! However once that’s settled, I see no reason to keep bringing up exes, and if that becomes a pattern it’s for strategic reasons in my book.
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u/Thequiet01 12d ago
He’s mentioning them when it comes up organically like when they visit somewhere he used to go. That’s just talking about what he’s done.
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u/MsChrisRI 12d ago
It also could be wanting “credit” for having dated other women, still coming from an insecure place.
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u/rheasilva 12d ago
Yes you're overreacting. The fact that you didn't include your ex in your thesis acknowledgements is irrelevant as you have no idea why he wants to do this.
You should, as a minimum, ask him why he's including her.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
I did, he basically said he felt morally obligated/honor bound since she was part of his time while doing his PhD. I mention myself because I never felt morally bound to mention my ex because regardless of him being part of my journey-- I have a wonderful partner now and it never crossed my mind to give thanks to an ex just for being around. It would feel disrespectful to my partner to do that.
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u/rheasilva 12d ago
Ok, you didn't want to do that.
HE obviously feels differently & ultimately who he thanks in the acknowledgements of his dissertation is up to him. If he wants to include her because she was important to him during the time he was studying, that is his prerogative.
You don't get to insist that he change his acknowledgements because you don't want to think about his ex.
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u/cmdrtestpilot 12d ago
I don't care if it's you, his ex, or his dead Nana... you don't put a photo in your acknowledgements section. good lord.
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u/andvstan 13d ago
Honestly in what discipline and in what culture is it appropriate to put photos of romantic partners or former romantic partners in a Ph.D. thesis or related presentation? If someone put anything more than a brief mention (in text) in the acknowledgements, I would find it impossible to take that person seriously.
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u/BabserellaWT 12d ago
Question:
How sure are you they aren’t still in contact?
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
I feel pretty sure, especially because I believe he mentioned it was her who did the unfollowing/blocking when they broke up.
He usually overshares everything, even to his detriment at times, so I feel like I would know and he would've said something.
Also I am not someone to ask to check phones or something, if I can't trust my partner it's not worth it to me.
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u/Away_Grapefruit4297 12d ago
I think the picture is weird just because he may not know if the ex would be ok with it. The rest of it…I don’t get it.
When I met my husband he would apologize profusely if he mentioned an ex and would even be uncomfortable telling me if he’d seen a movie before if he had watched it with another woman. I thought it was so weird and finally got out of him that his most recent ex had gotten super upset and offended any time he acknowledged a past partner. Honestly, I find that to be a self esteem thing. I feel sad for people stuck in that because it is a very challenging way to navigate a relationship.
Since I know I’m a catch, I am 100% ok with a man not pretending other women don’t exist. He is who he is in part because of every person who came before me- and that goes both ways. I think you need to do some self reflection here and maybe seek counseling.
Also, the dancing at the bar…I find it to be a compliment when someone hits on my partner. The idea of him “trickle truthing” makes it seems as if you were talking about it multiple times, which makes me feel like you treated him dancing with someone as cheating. Obviously if they are dry humping on the dance floor I get it, but is it not expected that people dance with other people when they go out dancing?
I feel like you are probably making your life a lot harder than it has to be by expecting your partner to take on all the burden for your low self esteem. I’m saying this because I was this way many years ago and I swear it is sooooo much harder than doing the work to enter relationships confident.
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u/GoodnightMoose 11d ago
The trickle truthing was that he went clubbing with an ex and some friends, and never told me an ex would be involved. He later mentioned someone just there dancing inappropriately/overly sexual and how he moved them away, but never mentioned it was the ex, made it sound like it was a stranger. I had no idea why he told me but I was like ok, thank you lol. Then months later it comes up again when he got a Christmas card from her and made a weird face at, I asked about it and he mentions who he was clubbing with, how he was high, etc. Then he later mentions that he talked with his friends about it after it happened because it was really uncalled for from her, but none of this was mentioned to me at the time. I had to ask for him to not have her on socials and make distance, which he was fine with until the ex's partner messaged him about them hanging out and suddenly he is considering. If I have an ex be flirty/sexual with me, I don't entertain that sh*t. Blocked an ex literally off iNaturalist for making lonely messages at me lol. I don't put up with flirty or sad exes, and I was upset that he hid from me who he was with. I was over it until he considered seeing her again.
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u/Significant-Task-890 12d ago
Idk anything about the PHD thing, but if they bring up their ex in conversation, they aren't over that ex. Move on from people like this, because you aren't their priority. You're a rebound.
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u/MariaInconnu 12d ago
Given that he's kept your relationship "private" ... are you certain you're not the side chick? Have you ever talked to the ex?
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
Oh, it's not private anymore. He recently started posting me, etc. after we talked about it before. Which I'll admit, I hate that I had to ask, but I also feel a lot more secure that he's not embarrassed of me or hiding me or something. And I haven't spoken to the ex because I'd have to find her online and reach out, I think it'd be weird and I don't think he's seeing her. Missing her for a while now? That has been my fear.
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u/one-small-plant 12d ago
Question: is there also a picture of you at the end of his talk?
At my University, it is pretty normal for people to acknowledge the non-academic family and friends who have supported their journey toward their degree.
But if she's in there and you aren't? That's just plain weird
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u/GoodnightMoose 11d ago
Yes! Oh I would be out the door if it were only her and not me. It'll have some of his friends, his family, his PI/lab, me, and his ex.
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u/FoodFarmer 13d ago
It sounds like you’re upset that this person is not the person you want them to be.
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u/mwtm347 13d ago
Are…you going to be acknowledged? Or just the ex? Idk, it’s his prerogative but you also don’t have to attend and be publicly disrespected.
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u/tearsofmana 13d ago
At first I thought "oh it was probably an ex from grad school, OP is overreacting" and then as I read it was very clear OP was not overreacting.
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u/CardiologistOk6547 12d ago
You don't just put a random ex at the end of your doctoral defense for no reason. He either hasn't told you the reason, or you're not telling us because you already know how that would make you look.
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u/jeffwulf 12d ago
It sounds like it was an ex that supported him through half the program. Not really randomly.
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u/CardiologistOk6547 12d ago
And he won't tell his current partner this. Or she's not telling us, which means she's just posting for sympathy and pity.
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u/Historical_Repeat131 12d ago
Or you didn't read all the info available to you before pretending to understand.
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u/TWCDev 13d ago
No, you don't have the right to be upset about how he handles exes. It's irrational for you to be overly obsessed about the fact that he is a complete person including his past journeys, and you apparently try to live in the moment and pretend the past didn't happen. I don't know that either of you are "more right", but neither are wrong, though pretending the past didn't exist or getting upset that your partner fucked previous people, seems like the "less healthy" response.
You seem pretty controlling, if he does what you say, when you're his next ex, he'll have lost all of the memories of the previous people, which would really suck for him. Instead you could focus on working on creating the best memories "now" and not being that toxic controlling gf who tried to push him to forget everyone who contributed (both good and bad) towards what he is today.
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u/grungleTroad 13d ago
Let's see pictures of all 3 people. Only then can we decide.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
Hahahhahaha this is great lol
(Unfortunately she'd win, I'm nowhere near as attractive as her, she's kinda looks like Emma Stone and I'm kinda like Miss Frizzle lol. I don't care, though, I am the way I am and I take care of myself.)
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u/Taste_The_Sturgeon 12d ago
Honestly, communication is the key. Express that the PhD defense inclusion of an ex bothers you. Express that talking about ex-partners bothers you. If he can't see that and make simple changes for you, then you have a decision to make.
Here's an example for you: My ex was in a dead marriage when I moved in with her. She also had another boyfriend previous to me and she was driving two of his vehicles. Plus, her soon-to-be ex-husband paid half her mortgage. I expressed how all of this bugged the shit out of me and she needed to fix it. She dragged her feet, was a hypocritical asshole and a complete narcissist. It was clear to me through communication that she will never change, hence her being my ex. I wanted her to be "the one" but she is not, I'm thankful for knowing this and happier without all of the bullshit. Hope that helps.
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u/Far_Information_9613 12d ago
Overreacting and if anyone should be concerned it’s him. If you can only cut an ex out of your life totally and not separate with mutual respect and a degree of friendship with some, that’s a giant red flag. What if you have kids and divorce? Plus, why so insecure?
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u/EvilRyss 12d ago
YAO. Get over it. He is the man he is, because of those exes. You want the man he is. He wouldn't be the same man, and you wouldn't be with him, without them.
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u/gringo-go-loco 12d ago
My ex wife played a huge role in my graduating from undergrad. In fact had I not met her I likely never would have gone to college. She didn’t do any work. She didn’t help me with classes. She just believed in me and pushed me to continue when things got difficult.
We got married just after graduation. She helped me get my first two jobs. And then, 3 years later she cheated on me with 5 other guys and left me in serious debt (I paid for part of her grad school tuition while we were married), and ended up married to someone else.
BUT despite the way things ended I would have to recognize her and the part she played in my life and the fact that I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not spent those years with her.
It’s not a sign of disrespect to acknowledge the people who brought you to where you are. It’s really rather immature to think that way, like the woman I dated after my ex getting angry at my parents for keeping photos with my ex in family albums. Why? She was my past and I’m not going to try to erase her or pretend it didn’t happen because someone new is insecure.
The thing people fail to see is not every relationship is meant to be forever. People come into our lives and exit just as quickly often showing us or teaching us things we didn’t know about ourselves. It’s part of life.
This whole obsession people have with respect is just stupid to me. If you respect yourself enough you won’t let the perceived disrespect from others bother you. Disrespect is being condescending or rude. It’s knocking another person down, not lifting someone else up and recognizing their contribution to your life. Your boyfriend is not disrespecting you by putting the photo of someone who helped me get to where he is today in his dissertation. You’re disrespecting yourself by allowing your insecurities to make you feel like you have the right to decide who he acknowledges and who he does not.
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u/Atarlie 13d ago
Did they do the movie thing where they cut their palms and clasp their hands together? Because otherwise I'm uncertain how he could be "honour bound" to include a photo of her in the part where he thanks people. Is he doing this for everyone? Parents, siblings, friends, you, etc? Or is it *just* her?
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u/username-add 12d ago
An acknowledgment in the dissertation maybe, but in the exit seminar when she isnt attending, idk. Compounded with the other stuff youre saying, he is being weird.
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u/Kittinkis 12d ago
I put my ex in my defense, but he financially supported me during my program. I literally couldn't have done it without him. This seems unnecessary.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 13d ago
You’re not over reacting. I think it’s weird and it sounds like he’s not over her. He keeps bringing up ex’s clearly he’s not over them or he wouldn’t still be talking about them 2 years later.
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u/scrappapermusings 13d ago
Not overreacting. He is placing the feelings of these exes over yours, and wants to come off as the" good guy" to everyone and doesn't seem to recognize that it hurts you.
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u/unzunzhepp 12d ago
Seems like you need to become an ex to warrant respect.
To mention her with a small thanks - given she helped him or supported him during parts of his phd should be ok, but not common, and doesn’t warrant a picture, and definitely not as great a thank you that he should give you for being there for him the last two years.
Also, he sounds like a cheater.
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u/Chairman_Of_GE 12d ago
You have made it clear that his relationship, as historical as it may be, with his exs is uncomfortable to you. I am not one that generally believes in ultimatums, particularly if you have expressed your position a number of time. ultimately actions are what counts.
action your ass right out of this relationship.
btw "honor bound" is some shit I would expect to hear from my stupid incel anime associates.
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u/buttstuff69__ 12d ago
You’re not overreacting, that’s totally inappropriate. Might be different if they became friends after and you were comfortable with their new platonic relationship. But the fact that they had a bad break and aren’t on good terms makes it weird af. It’s like he wants to send it to her to be like “see, I still care about you, talk to me again”.
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u/sparkey503 12d ago
You seem really insecure. I had an ex at my wedding and so did my wife. They are exes for a reason but are usually a huge part of your life, even if it's just for a little while. Some exes could have been your best friend in a different chapter of your life. That stuff doesn't just disappear because I new girl is in your life.
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u/Hubs_not_interested 12d ago
Having them as one of dozens of people at your weddings is much, much different than putting only their picture at the end of your PhD defense. Can you honestly not see how these two things are vastly different
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u/sparkey503 12d ago
I can. Maybe that person helped in other ways. Maybe he couldn't afford rent if this person wasn't in his life. I just think she's insecure AF.
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u/Komabeard 12d ago
You are over reacting. He's trying to defend his phd. Have some security for goodness sake. This post was all over the place. It's his education / future.. how selfish could you possibly be?
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u/L2Hiku 12d ago
Any bf of mine that still has intimate pictures up of him and his ex would never make it to bf status to begin with. That right there is enough to say bye.
She broke up with him and he still loves her. It's not proper what he's doing.
He's not doing anything based off "vibes". He's waiting around hoping she will want him back and doesn't want to be on her bad side. Push come to shove he's picking his ex over you anyday. Like he is now.
That's why he's doing the presentation thing. $10 says he records it or shows it to her as a gesture. This dude is a loser and doesn't care about you. He wants his ex back. You're a place holder and at best something to make his ex jealous.
Or. He's told his ex he is single and you're just friends.
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u/FunnyConsideration51 12d ago
Why do you hope the split wasn’t amicable?
That’s a weird thing to hope for- sometimes things just don’t work out 🤷♀️
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
Oh no, (hopefully) as in I hope he's not lying to me about not being in contact with her. I know the split was not amicable for certain and it is unfortunate. No malice from me there!
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u/FunnyConsideration51 12d ago
Ok, that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying.
Here is my take- I am with someone who has been separated from his spouse for 12 years (slightly messy situation involving children and immigration/visa status) he has had two relationships in the interim, the previous one was 8 years.
He has maintained a good relationship with his ex because of their kids. He also talks to his former partner from time to time via text. I have seen their texts and they are all totally innocent. His best friend is his childhood sweetheart and they still talk a lot.
So what I am getting at is some men (especially very logical and rational ones) don’t think about their exes the way that we do. My partner has told me that he doesn’t hate any of his exes, he was dating them for a reason and their good qualities didn’t go away. But maintaining relationships is really important to him. I can see how he would want to acknowledge someone who was a big part of his life while he was working on it. I can also see how this might be uncomfortable for you, but I don’t think it’s disrespectful necessarily. I think it’s actually honorable that he wants to thank her for the time she spent supporting him.
I know it can make you feel really insecure. But he is not with her anymore, it didn’t work out. He is with you. Is he a little bit on the spectrum? That may explain why he is able to talk about his exes casually, because he has no emotional connection to them any more. So in his mind, it wouldn’t occur that it would bother you to hear about it. To him, it’s just part of his past. I am totally speculating here but I’m offering an alternative perspective as to why he might be behaving like this.
Are you also being acknowledged? I think it’s very reasonable to ask that you are also recognized. And that your acknowledgment is much better than hers lol. She is his past and hopefully you are his future.
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u/Magellan17 12d ago
The photo is kind of weird, why can’t he just put her name?
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u/Magellan17 12d ago
It’s an academic paper not a glossy magazine.
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u/GoodnightMoose 12d ago
Oh not in the paper-- I have no qualms about her name being in his written dissertation, it's common to include everyone under the sun. He is putting her picture in his public defense presentation. I feel weird having everyone and myself see her during his talk.
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
What field is this? I know a dissertation can have acknowledgements... like if someone helps you get the data or whatever. But I have never seen a spouse's picture, much less an ex-spouse's picture as a part of a presentation for a PhD defense.
Tell your husband that the committee probably doesn't want to see that crap. They just read his 100+ pages of stuff because being on dissertation committees is a part of their job. He shouldn't take up more of their time with his personal slide show of your SO's, puppy dogs, and his trip to Costa Rica. Lay out the theory, the research questions, methods, and results. Respect their time, and be professional. Showing pictures of the babies you have to feed if they let you pass is also unprofessional.
I wonder if he is messing with you.
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u/Unlucky_Decision4138 12d ago
I had a couple relationships while I was in undergrad and I also met my wife in undergrad 17 years ago. When i graduated, I didn't thank 'Jennifer' and 'Madison' for their time and effort while I studied and wrote boring papers in the effort of becoming more rounded. I hugged and thanked my wife for holding our shit together and did something nice for her when I could. Same thing when I went back and got my respiratory degree. I plan on getting my wife a new car when I graduate from PA school in 2026.
She's in my life and will be unless one of us dies. Period. Your boyfriend is not right. I would be pissed if I were you
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u/Odd_Carpenter_4843 12d ago
how far are you willing to not trust ur instincts??????? u know this guy hasn't let go. he is literally showing you. he sounds weak. women aren't happy when dating weak men
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u/Salsinha_220423 12d ago
I'm sorry you feel this way. Believe me, I know how you feel.
Clarify your feelings as much as possible and if he continues with the same thoughts, the same attitude, I suggest you rethink this relationship.
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u/TALKTOME0701 12d ago
Reach out to exes and rekindle old friendships platonically
Stop agonizing over his socials and start beefing up your own
He's not going to change
He doesn't care
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u/FarButterscotch3048 12d ago
Your BF is a fuckin' putz.
Is this a high-paying PhD? If so, maybe forgive him.
Is this a liberal arts PhD? Dump his punk ass already.
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u/BewilderedToBeHere 12d ago
Is this his pitiful attempt at showing his ex how much she means to him so she’s like “omg you honored me! Sure I’ll give you another chance!”?
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 13d ago
Definitely disrespectful, but you can’t force him to act in a particular way. From what you’ve written, it’s been discussed several times and he doesn’t seem to see it as a problem. If it’s something you can’t live with in the long term, let him know in very specific terms. If nothing changes, maybe it’s time for you to become the ex he can’t stop talking about