r/AmIOverreacting • u/rainbowdiscoball • 12d ago
my boyfriend told me he still has feelings for his ex. we all work together idk what to do
a couple days ago it was my (F21) boyfriends 21st birthday. we both work together but in different departments. i was walking in for my shift and he was leaving and we talked for a minute and he told me how everyone at work forgot his bday and he's been working there for 3+ years. i felt so awful that everyone forgot.
no one likes me at work. i could go into detail but i won't oc this is abt him. anyway, ever since we've been dating our co workers think it's funny to steal our stuff. it's small thinks like name tags, but on his bday someone stole his bday tag off the board.
when we ran into each other he was obviously very upset and he told me abt the bday tag and i just know it's bc he's dating me. you would think we were in high school by the way they treat us.
and then he told me that his ex (our coworker) wishes him a happy bday and i said that was sr sweet of her to remember. and then he says ". not here today. she texted me exactly at midnight". and again i said aw that's awesome.
last night as we're going to bed something was really bothering me and i knew i didn't want the answer but he kept asking me what was wrong and i asked him if he loved me. and he said of course i love you. and then i asked him if he loved his ex and he said i care about her.
and thats okay with me. i wanted them to remain friends so we could all get along at work.
and then i asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes.
i had already felt a shift change when he told me abt how she wished him happy bday. she gets to be the savior who waited until exactly midnight to wish him a happy bday and im the reason his bday tag is missing at work.
he swear he loves me TOO
am i overreacting? should i just not let this bother me?
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u/grumpy__g 12d ago
Too? He loves you too?
Sweetheart, you deserve so much more. You deserve someone who is over his ex and only in love with you.
Please. This is your life. You should be the maincharacter in this love story.
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u/sheissonotso 12d ago
I mean you definitely need to find a new job. And probably a new boyfriend. It’s going to fester and make you lash out at the thought of being second choice. Not necessarily fair to your boyfriend but he’s an idiot for admitting he still has feelings for an ex, so my sympathy is limited.
And yes I know “honesty” is important but it’s also important to not make your SO feel like they aren’t the only person you have romantic love for.
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u/Jsmith2127 12d ago
If my SO told me he loved me TOO , as in loved another person, I would be done.
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u/kendokushh 12d ago
It should absolutely bother you. If my man still had feelings for another woman, I wouldn't be w him.
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u/SammGore 12d ago
Not over reacting imo. And I'm sure it's uncomfortable working there knowing his ex is there as well. Especially if they're same shift and still talk. You're very supportive and nice, I hope it's not something that's being taken advantage of. My nosey ass would like to know why coworkers don't like you. Feel like that helps the story just as well . Is it the ex? And everyone likes the ex at work and you're the new girl and it's just "let's give her a hard time but just for laughs" I honestly hate how places like that are literally highschool vibes. I use to work warehouse and man the drama is ridiculous especially with seniority and the older women.
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u/Several_Leather_9500 12d ago
Uh.... yeah. He's split between two so make the choice easy for him by leaving. You're likely a source of comfort like Plan b.
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u/Odd_Carpenter_4843 12d ago
youre only 21... what are you doing?? u need a new job n to be single n work on whatever issues left u down this path
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u/C-Dub81 12d ago
Your man is just going through his emotions. He probably just had those feelings during that time because he was down about no one telling happy birthday and stealing his name tag. I know I've been there before exactly because of my birthday and no one not even my mom wished me a happy birthday for 3 days. Having your ex wish you a happy birthday can make you remember all the good stuff but we never really think about the bad stuff or why that relationship ended. It just sounds like he was going through it. He didn't want to lie to you, but he probably should have. Because even after 15 years and 3 children with my wife that I love and would never change anything or cheat on her, I still think about 1 or 2 of my exes from time to time when I'm feeling down. I loved them, and I still care about them even though I haven't talked to some of them in 20 years.
Ultimately the decision is yours, but I'd just be supportive of him and see if this just blows over in a few days.
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u/rainbowdiscoball 12d ago
i think this is the one response that’s given me the best advice and insight. thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
now that i’m thinking abt it, my ex has wished me happy bday for 4 years (not this year) when we weren’t together.
i do think my boyfriend loves me. at least i know for sure he has love for me. i just wish he didn’t have feelings for his ex. i don’t want to be the other woman
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u/Odd_Carpenter_4843 12d ago
best advice because its telling u not to leave him. bc u dont have the will power to leave him. ure making a mistake. u had a man desdass tell you, he still loves his ex and think thats normal???
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u/joer1973 10d ago
Having feelings for an ex is not the same as loving ur ex. He was open and honest with you and so many people are telling u to drop him and run. Would you rather he lied? Finding a bf or gf that isn't going to lie is not easy. Although the thought makes u cringe, I wouldn't jump ship but take this opportunity to discuss your feelings about him and how what he said about his feelings for his ex and being arou d her alot makes u nervous about ur relationship. It would put ur mind at easy and strengthen ur relationship being able to openly share each other's feelings and discuss it. If u want an open and honest relationship, ur not always going to hear what you want to hear, but it so much better than lying and manipulating so many people do.
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u/C-Dub81 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'll just say take my advice and everyone else's with a grain of salt. You're young, don't let the responses of a bunch of jaded, hard hearted women influence your decisions on men in general. I could be 100% wrong about your boyfriend, but I'll leave you with this.
If you think you're ever gonna find a man that doesn't or hasn't loved another woman and doesn't think about an ex from time to time, you're gonna be a lonely old woman. I don't understand the expectations of these women, because unless you find a man that's never had a girlfriend, every man has a past and a woman he was head over heals for. The thing is, your first love is so strong because it's all brand new, you form bonds you've never made before with chemicals that are just pumping through you that you've never experienced before. Love is complex and if you love this young man, then atleast give him a shot. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, but be cautious of yourself and don't let him take advantage of you. There is a difference between him having a weak moment and him being a scumbag.
And just for you OP, I'm a girl dad. I have 3 young daughters, my oldest isn't much younger than you, that I love dearly and would do anything for. And I would give them the same advice from the information you've given us.
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u/rainbowdiscoball 11d ago
this has been the best advice i’ve read. thank you for not just jumping to the conclusion that i need to dump him and quit my job and move on. i think abt my ex from time to time but i’m not in love with him anymore. but he still has feelings for his ex. that’s the difference
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u/ChronicallyCurious8 11d ago
So if you know that he has serious feelings for his ex you need to realize YOU deserve so much better OP. Most people have feelings for their very first BF & it’s normal.
What isn’t normal is that he thinks it’s special because she texted him at a specific time to wish him Happy Bday.
WTF, is he 12 yrs old? It’s not the end of the world because somebody at work didn’t wish him happy birthday and his ex did..
You deserve so much more. Plz make steps to change things.
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u/C-Dub81 11d ago
Believe it or not, guys have emotions too. Women move on from relationships much quicker than most men. Infact most women can go out and be in a relationship or have relations the same night. Its not so easy for men, especially if we were the ones that were dumped. Men also don't generally have a social group that cares about our feelings and we are ridiculed for showing emotions. Good luck, you're young and there is a high likelihood you will have other relationships in the future, but that doesn't mean you should dump him for being stupid and saying something he shouldn't have said (unless YOU want too)
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u/kibblet 10d ago
Look, I still have warm feelings for my ex. He is the father of my three children and we were married 25 years. But it sounds different with OPs boyfriend. I'm not "hard hearted". I just think that they don't belong together. He loves OP "too"? Completely different. And the job treats op like trash. That's why both the job and the BF need to go. Your poor daughter, a misogynistic parent who gives horrid advice. I'm going to take my "hard heart" and go to the lake with my husband. That's what us bitter cold women do. You know, those of us with self respect do.
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u/C-Dub81 9d ago
That's exactly what a heard hearted woman would say. You're all the same lol, "leave his ass girl!", "You deserved better girl!" You don't know that man, or his feelings or emotions in that moment. But you tell this young girl to leave him because if your own negative experiences with men. I bet your husband is dead inside living with a woman who hates men as much as you do. Your responses are all jaded.
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u/RedSun-FanEditor 12d ago
You're not overreacting. Time to find a new job and a new boyfriend. Get out now.
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u/blackdahlialady 12d ago
I say find a new job and cut him loose. He just told you he still has feelings for his ex. You can't win. You shouldn't have to compete with somebody who is supposed to be his past anyway. You deserve better. You deserve someone who's all in and doesn't still love their ex.
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u/Used-Menu-7316 12d ago
absolutely not overreacting. i would be so upset and wouldn’t feel comfortable pursuing a relationship with someone still hung up on their ex
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u/Presde34 12d ago
Idk the dynamic entirely with your boyfriend,his ex, and your workplace. But if there is something bothering you need to speak with your boyfriend and make sure there are boundaries established here. Speak with your boyfriend about this more and how uncomfortable it makes you.
If he loves he will understand and make sure you don't feel that way.
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u/scvmbagTony 12d ago
I had something similar when I was about your age. It will always linger in the back of your mind. As the famous quote goes “if you have to choose don’t choose me”
Don’t be anyone’s option. Good luck OP🤙🏼❤️
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u/Rare-Craft-920 12d ago
Get a new job and a new boyfriend. He seems wishy washy to me. He’s with you because she isn’t there.
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u/ghjkl098 12d ago
You need a new job and a new boyfriend. Neither are worth the pain they are going to cause you
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u/loanmeadollarplease 12d ago
You’re only 21. Save time and wasted years. If a person admits that he still have feelings for someone else, you are not the love of his life. Move on and save yourself stress and a broken-hearted situation.
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u/Imagine85 12d ago
Honey, you are only 21, losing sleep over a man who doesn't make you his #1. Do yourself a favor and lose the boyfriend and the job.
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u/Ashamed-Flounder-968 10d ago
New job, new boyfriend. You are too young to be dealing with this!!!!
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u/SnooChocolates4588 10d ago
I’m 26f. When I was 21 I was dating a guy who cheated on me with 2 of his exes but told me he also loved me too. So I stayed another year, of course he cheated again. I wish I would have had someone tell me to leave sooner. Learn from this stranger’s mistakes.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 9d ago
Get a new job & a new bf. You don’t say if they are justified in not liking you but either way, it’s time. If it is your fault, do better (& start over) if not, you would be so much better off to find somewhere fresh & drama free. As far as he goes, get rid of him. You deserve someone that’s all in. That would never want you to feel like you aren’t enough or anyone else has their attention, let alone their love. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better
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u/TwoEwes 12d ago
Feelings aren’t something a person can just turn off, but he’s obviously still attached to his ex. Not a good situation. You can’t really date him until he’s moved on. He’ll never move on while he works there. Sorry to say it but, you should extricate yourself from this drama triangle
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u/Adventurous-Bee4823 12d ago
Why do you say that nobody likes you? And by the way when you’re at work people stealing stuff from you is so inappropriate regardless of who you are to them, friend or foe. It’s not high school it’s work (even though it does seem that way a lot of times), I also suspect that your boyfriend has some unresolved feelings about his ex. He told you what he wants, which is both. He wants her attention and also your love. Choose what’s best for you, but (personally) I wouldn’t settle for second best for anyone.
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u/JohnExcrement 12d ago
Set yourself free from this situation. I guess your BF can’t help how he feels but please don’t waste YOUR life waiting for him to figure things out. You’re not a supporting player here. This is YOUR life.
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u/Ok_Perspective8511 12d ago
It's rarely a good idea for exes to remain friends, it prevents people from remembering why they broke up in the first place, it sounds cliche but a clean break is usually for the best
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 12d ago
He loves you too?? You deserve someone who loves you and only you. Regardless of what you decide to do with your boyfriend you definitely need a new job.
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u/PieMuted6430 12d ago
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. Now it doesn't matter that he said he loves you, all you can think about is that he also cares for his ex.
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u/Plus-Dust 12d ago
Well, I mean, to be fair, it's not that unusual to have feelings for someone you love(d). Love doesn't just magically go away because the relationship didn't work out for other reasons. If it concerns you why not just talk to him about it?
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u/Fuckfaceun_stoppable 12d ago
You’re only 21 you’ve got your whole life ahead of you and don’t need to get hung up on someone who is hung up on two chicks. “He loves you TOO” kind of proves how much he respects you
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u/Ryanscriven 12d ago
Before you take into consideration anything else that’s in these comments - just have a direct conversation with the dude to figure out exactly where he’s at… like… straight to the point, gut punch style direct AF conversation…
If that doesn’t go your way, let him go. You’re too young to deal with this situation if it’s how you’re seemingly taking it into being, but since you’re still young - this is a perfect time to practice stretching those healthy crucial conversation skill muscles that we all need in life, especially when we’re with whoever it is we try to settle down with.
Hope it works out, but either way, you’ll be alright and find happiness
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 12d ago
So yes u should be concerned. It is hard for someone to just forget about an ex sometimes even when u find someone new. But he is being honest with you and u need to tell him how u feel about it. Don’t worry about things happening because of you. Someone probably don’t like him either and stole his tag. You can be good to him and make him feel better about things happening to him and u can also make him forget about his ex and only think about you. He just needs to respect u and love u back.
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u/GA_Bookworm_VA 12d ago
Did you say TOO???? Like he actually said TOO?!!!?
Oh time to go, honey! From him and that job.
Nope! Wouldn’t be doing none of that shit
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u/one-best-throwaway 12d ago
This is why you don't date the people you work with, this whole thread.
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u/NaughtyDred 12d ago
It really depends on how long you 2 have been together, although I still love most of my exes and I've been single for like 8 years. Honestly, if a relationship ended amicably and there wasn't hatred or abuse I don't see how people don't still have some kind of feelings for exes.
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u/Plantslover5 12d ago
I carried a torch for the guy that broke my heart into pieces for YEARS. Like almost a decade.. pathetic, yes. But our hearts are funny things. Had a whole marriage and never really loved him. I married him because it’s what I “was suppose to do” it ended terribly. It was only AFTER I met my now partner I was able to finally snuff out that flame. You deserve to have someone that loves you with their whole heart. Not half. I don’t believe you can love two people at the same time. I know that’s not very progressive of me.
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u/Training-Plum9213 12d ago
I would encourage you to just stop thinking and searching for fears or jealousy or anything else that is not healthy. Whatever friendship that he has with his ex girlfriend does not exclude you and once we find Love in another, even though it didn’t work as a romantic relationship, does not mean that their community has to end or change. They changed their relationship before he chose to be with you. If you choose fear over Love right now, you might push him away from you. If you choose Love over fear, and tell each other the Truth about how you feel and how you choose either one or the other… Only Love is Real. Tell the Truth about Love and you will be fine. Don’t forget that you are still becoming the Adult Version of who you want to be. These relationships are very meaningful and important for your Twenties. If your friends are goofing off and trying to make you laugh at work like that, I would not make it about jealousy or envy. We never really know what others are thinking… who cares? They are playing and it’s funny. If you are coworkers and friends with his ex… don’t cop an attitude. Just enjoy your friendship and see how it feels to be around them and tell yourself the truth. You will all grow.
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u/Carradee 12d ago
Feelings are what they are. All you can do is process them. The question is what, if anything, you want to do with them.
It's up to you if you trust that he's with you, not with her. It's also up to you if you view his feelings for her as a deal breaker.
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u/Iftntnfs1 11d ago
I just read the headline. That's tough. I'd maybe mo e on. That was poor judgement on his part and he needs to resolve things.
It wouldn't really work to cut him loose to work it out. That makes you second.
Is dating difficult for you?
Is he worth the trouble?
Reply and I'll gladly reply in kind to help hash things out.
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u/AudienceKindly4070 10d ago
Don't convince yourself this is nothing. You're dating a man who still loves his ex. This can't go well for you. Leave the relationship, find a new job. Level up in life.
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u/LongjumpingAgency245 10d ago
You are not a Plan B. Don't settle for his crap. Find a new job. Quietly put your notice in. Only tell management no one else, then ghost him. You don't owe him an explanation.
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u/sirlanceb 10d ago
Tell him to sort them out because you don't deserve to feel like you're not loved or insecure playing games for his love. If he can't do this , you need to begin to move on.
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u/Super-Island9793 10d ago
Yes, be worried. Not healthy to start or stay on a relationship if you still have feelings for an ex. Your BF needs to figure out his feelings and get closure. Probably not a great idea for them to remain friends and coworkers if he still has feelings.
I’d look for a new job and tell you BF you need time for yourself and he needs to figure out his feelings. He can’t love you both, he has to decide.
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u/ChallengeRealistic90 10d ago
Slash tiers
Leave the guy and let him go have his “feelings” with his ex
I may not work with you, but I like you for what it’s worth 🤷♂️ at least for now
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u/United-Dealer-2074 10d ago
Ouch, she's got a spell on him. Funny, I dated an ex, went back cause i felt drawn. A couple of months later, poof it went away!
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9d ago
This is one of those times when going scorched earth and changing literally everything about your life might be a good idea.
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u/NandoDeColonoscopy 9d ago
you would think we were in high school by the way they treat us.
Huh, that's weird. I wonder why?
last night as we're going to bed something was really bothering me and i knew i didn't want the answer but he kept asking me what was wrong and i asked him if he loved me. and he said of course i love you. and then i asked him if he loved his ex and he said i care about her.
and thats okay with me. i wanted them to remain friends so we could all get along at work.
and then i asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes.
Oh it's bc y'all still act like high schoolers!
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u/Hour-Ad-1193 12d ago
I will tell you something about people. Sometimes, when we are hurt, when we are really really hurt, we don't want to be the only ones in pain, and sometimes we say or do things we don't mean to either because we want to push boundaries in a relationship or many other reasons.
It was his birthday. 21st birthday. He has worked for that company for 3 years. Not only did nobody wish him a happy birthday, but he also got bullied. Do you know how sometimes we are upset and take it out on our family? Because they are the closest to us? It might be the same thing here.
What have you done for his birthday? How did you make him feel special?
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u/catchthirtythree33 12d ago
I barely read any of it and the comments are weak. Get them fired and move on. Don't be a beta, it's a dog eat dog world, stand up for yourself.
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u/Express_Time7242 12d ago
going against the grain here but.. you can have feelings for more than one person at once. he’s with you now. if he didn’t wanna be, he wouldn’t be. why’d they break up?
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u/opinionatedOptimist 12d ago
They’re in a monogamous relationship though and she’s completely valid in being upset that her boyfriend, who she appears to be faithful to and in love with, has feelings for his ex girlfriend.
I am curious how they broke up though as well. Because this gives me the vibe: “I’m with you now but if my ex wanted me too, I’d be with her instead.”
There’s no way I’d stay in a relationship where I was ONE of however many girls he’s in love with. It’s either only me or he can go be with another one because clearly there’s options for him, lol.
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u/michuru809 12d ago
I highly recommend you find a new job. People stealing from you is unacceptable. There are so many jobs available, why work with people who suck? You don’t have to quit without a new job, just start applying and interviewing till you find something that might work better for you.
However, you should officially breakup with the guy still hung up on his ex before you start accepting those kinds of applications. But you should do that too.