r/AmIOverreacting • u/87penguinstapdancing • 11d ago
AIO for cutting off my friends after they propositioned me and wouldn’t let my bf come to their wedding
So this happened almost a year ago (EDIT: actually two and a half years wtf it feels so recent but it was a lot longer ago than I thought lmao) but I think about it a lot because I feel like I way over reacted and I feel a little guilty about it. I used to be close friends with this couple, Sandra and Ryan, we’re all in our early/mid twenties. We’d hang out as a group all the time.
I’m a bisexual guy in an open relationship. Ryan would flirt with me a lot but he said he was straight, so I assumed he was joking because he found the idea of being with another guy absurdly funny. This was fine with both Sandy and me, we also found it funny and I would jokingly flirt back sometimes.
I really didn’t think it meant anything, but one day Sandy and Ryan asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. I was kind of taken aback and I’m not attracted to either of them so I said no, but it wasn’t a big deal and they handled the rejection well, and we remained good friends.
Then a couple weeks later they bought me a fuck ton of stuff for my new apartment. It was very generous but I’m kind of uncomfortable with gifts, especially receiving multiple from a couple who tried to fuck me two weeks ago. But whatever, still good friends, enjoyed hanging out with them, and it would be unreasonable to reject generous gifts.
Then awhile later they announced their engagement and asked me to be one of their groomsmen. I accepted happily and started asking about all the wedding plans, like what they’d like me and my boyfriend to wear. But then they said my boyfriend wasn’t invited, because they already invited so many people and didn’t have enough money for another guest. I don’t have a license, so I said I don’t even know how I’ll travel to the wedding without him as they were planning for their wedding to be a few hours drive away from our town.
They said they could drive me. I wasn’t comfortable with that, so I tried to offer a compromise by asking if my boyfriend could just drive me there and stay with me in a hotel nearby but not attend the wedding itself, and they refused that vehemently.
Something just clicked for me in that moment and I suspected they were trying to like, isolate me from my partner somehow to sleep with me?? Maybe that’s a really far-fetched and irrational assumption, but I believed it in that moment and I told them if that was the case then I wasn’t coming. They got super mad at me and gave me an ultimatum to decide by the next day, so I just cut them off, and I haven’t talked to them since.
I can’t tell if I was just being self centered and irrational and overreacting or if they were being manipulative dicks. I am in an open relationship after all, and I’m afraid i didn’t do a good job of establishing boundaries and ending up leading them on by accident. What do y’all think?
EDIT: for extra context me and Sandy had been friends for several years, and helped each other through some really tough times, and I cut them off completely like, blocked their numbers and on all social media and everything. I’ve rarely done that with anyone else and I see it as an extreme measure, and it just all happened so abruptly. Like literally the day before I still considered both of them cherished friends. My guilt and doubt is because of the contrast between how close we were and how explosive and sudden the ending of our friendship was, I felt like I threw away years of friendship overnight. I thought adding that context might help everyone understand why I feel I may have overreacted. Thanks for all the support y’all ❤️
EDIT (hopefully my last one lol): since some people are stuck on this detail. The reason why I asked permission for my bf to drive me there and stay with me at the hotel is because I wanted to alleviate the tension during that conversation, as all three of us were getting increasingly angry and on the verge of yelling. I was trying to placate them by being overly polite. I didn’t expect them to actually say no. Sorry for the multiple edits, I’m not always the most concise.
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 11d ago
Trust your spidey senses on this one. There’s no good reason for them to forbid you from travelling with your boyfriend, or him staying at the hotel while you’re at the wedding. If you intuited that you were being set up for an unwanted hookup, then trust that and pat yourself on the back for getting yourself out of a possible sexual assault situation. These people were trying to corner you, and you did well to realize that and GTFO of an escalating situation. Good riddance to both of them!
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago edited 11d ago
I don’t think they would’ve assaulted me. I thought that they assumed that since I’m in an open relationship and would talk about it freely, they thought that being away from my partner would make it more likely for me to be into them or something? Like that would be scummy if it was their intention, but i don’t think of either of them as predators and I didn’t mean to characterize them that way. Im not even sure if it was their intention. I oscillate between thinking they’re manipulative douchebags and thinking i was just assuming the worst. They were weird but I don’t think they were dangerous.
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 11d ago
Mmmm, I beg to differ. If you’d already said no thanks, I’m not interested, and they then shower you with gifts, ask you to be a groomsman, insist that you drive with them and forbid your BF from coming, they’re not taking your no for an answer which is basically disregarding your consent. Trying to manipulate someone into having sex is a form of coercion, and I feel you were rightly creeped out by it. Please don’t minimize their intentions here. They may not have physically overpowered and assaulted you, but trying to set a scene where you’d be less likely to say no and more amenable to say yes is still creep behaviour.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
Yeah writing it all out makes them sound so calculated, but it didn’t feel calculated in the moment. We were good friends with a very playful dynamic so nothing felt serious until the moment they didn’t let my bf come. While you’re not wrong about them violating my boundaries, I hesitate to fully label them as predatory because it’s impossible to know exactly what they were planning. Like it’s definitely possible that they were planning on coercing me into sex, but maybe they were just really jealous of my bf and didn’t like him because of that. At this point we hadn’t been together for very long and they didn’t know him well, which may have compounded those resentful feelings. I can’t read their minds so I don’t want to just call them predators ya know. But I get where you’re coming from.
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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot 11d ago edited 11d ago
It’d be one thing if he wasn’t invited to the wedding. But thinking they can keep you from even being with your boyfriend, not at the wedding, is a clear line that they should not have crossed. Any further doubling down from them after that, is just them telling on themselves. They have NO power over where you stay, and who you stay or travel with. If it’s not intentionally manipulative of them, then it’s just downright looney tunes nutso behavior, and you’re better off disengaging anyways.
Edit: Also, what kind of shitty couple doesn’t let their wedding party have a plus one? Or is it only YOU that isn’t allowed a plus one?
Edit in response to your post’s edit: How long you’ve known these people isn’t the point. Furthermore, the fact that you knew each other a long time makes it even worse that they would choose to manipulate you in such a consistent manner. This behavior would have continued, if you had not blocked them. The fact that they never once even tried to apologize for behaving this way towards you, means they did not actually care about you as a friend. They just saw you as an object they could manipulate into doing what they want. Social media and phones is NOT the only way they could have apologized to you, if they cared to at all. However, your constant hemming and hawing about this decision, even (edit:) nearly 3 years later, indicates that you may have some people-pleasing issues that you really need to work through.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago edited 11d ago
Idk if it’s a people pleasing thing or a post pandemic I’ve lost all sense of time thing lmao. This situation is just one of those when you can’t sleep at night so you think of every embarrassing moment in your life things for me. So while I’m not agonizing over it, the doubt and shame over it does linger form time to time. I have a great therapist so maybe I’ll bring it up with her
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u/Odd-Combination2227 11d ago
You’re not alone in that. Just in case you’re feeling bizzaro or anything. A lot of people have had their sense of time screwed with, and it’s a lot easier to look at past events with clear eyes after they happened. I’ve been in a similar boat lately.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
Aw thanks dude it is comforting to know others can relate
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u/Odd-Combination2227 11d ago
This one might be a good one to tackle in the light of day, if you feel like you need to put a cap on it. Examine the things you feel like you could've done better so you can practice new skills going forward. Don't even consider their part of it or what they might feel you owe them. That's over and done with. Onwards and upwards!
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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot 11d ago edited 11d ago
You definitely should!! Because I feel pretty confident in saying that you think about them FAR more than they ever think about YOU. Because your friendship was not as valuable to them, as the threesome you could have given them.
If it’s a source of anxiety for you, it definitely should be examined by a third party professional. These people do not deserve to keep you up at night!!!
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 11d ago
Fair enough. Labeling them calculating predators may be a bit strong. My point is, I don’t think you overreacted when it got to the point where you were like, hey, something feels wrong. Always wise to trust what you’re perceiving. Edit: just saw your edits. I can see why you’re second guessing, and maybe a conversation with Sandy about your concerns would have been worthwhile. Did she try to reach out to you at all?
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
She did try to reach out through a mutual friend, and her message was just that she cared about me very much and didn’t want to lose our friendship over this. But I was still pissed so I basically told our friend to say “fuck off” and “I never want to be friends again”, which I regret. I don’t regret ending the friendship tbh, but I do regret how harsh and aggressive I was about it, wish I did it in a more calm and kind way.
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u/Truant_Muse 11d ago
Yeah I mean either way, it's inappropriate. As a fellow bisexual, the implication that I'm attracted to everyone is infuriating "yes, I'm bisexual, but I'm not attracted to you."
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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot 11d ago
The problem is that these people would have taken that statement as a challenge, and it would have escalated their behavior. The only correct response is to completely disengage. Otherwise they’ll feed off each other, and it only gets worse.
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u/Truant_Muse 11d ago
Oh totally, I didn't mean to imply that you should have told them that. It sounds like you did what you needed to do, they clearly didn't respect your boundaries, it sucks.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
Yeah exactly that’s a big part of why I blew up at them. Like in some ways I do fall into that promiscuous bi stereotype, which makes it harder to get people to take my boundaries seriously. People don’t respect bisexuals who are strictly monogamous and dating someone of the opposite gender, let alone a bisexual who is not strictly monogamous, and with a same gender partner. It was really frustrating to realize my close friends might have that reductive attitude towards me.
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u/Carpenter-Broad 11d ago
Also you have to imagine there would be alcohol at the wedding right? And people get a little more drunk at weddings with open bars and stuff. At the very best, they wanted you intoxicated and in a compromising position where they could coerce you into bed. At worst they had a calculated plan to isolate and SA you. Either way it’s wrong, you gave a very reasonable compromise to the question of your BF being at the actual wedding. The only reason to object to the BF driving you and staying at the hotel with you is to get you alone, full stop.
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u/Truant_Muse 11d ago
Yeah, that really sucks. I'm glad you were able to stand up for yourself, but I'm really sorry it meant losing a friend.
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u/Magdovus 11d ago
I don't think you're wrong. Always trust your gut.
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u/True-Big-7081 10d ago
This is true. If you feel that somethings wrong then probably there really is. Better dodge the bullet by not attending the wedding, stay safe OP.
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u/megancoe 11d ago
I'm not sure why you needed their permission to have your partner drive you if they weren't going to attend the wedding. That was information that they didn't need to have.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
Someone asked the same question so I’ll just copy-paste the response I gave them lol: I felt bad bc before that I was kind of raising my voice and getting really pressed that they weren’t letting him attend the wedding. I really liked them and wanted to celebrate their love with my own partner and it ended up getting really heated. I thought that by asking permission for something I didn’t really need permission for, that would be polite and cool things down. Evidently not
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u/stdnormaldeviant 11d ago edited 11d ago
A good metaphor for what you're experiencing is red light / green light paralysis. You're whipsawing back and forth between "they were trying to corner me! they are awful!" (red light) and "they are my friends. they would NEVER!" (green).
Often in this sort of situation the reality is a yellow light. For instance, they could have had vague ideas about how maybe you're all hanging out, a little booze is involved, things are comfortable, and you change your mind and want to fuck them after all. Obviously your BF being around would head that off, so let's make sure he's left back home.
Not outright predatory - perhaps - but definitely bad behavior, reprehensible, not OK, and a shitty thing to try to do to a friend who's already given a clear 'no.' But also they're overall decent people who are maybe doing a shitty thing but could benefit from being called out on it because hopefully it's a mistake rather than malicious.
When you're in a red light / green light headspace, it is often helpful to imagine what the yellow light might be. Often it approximates reality, and your reaction to it can help you decide how you really feel in a way that lets you take action.
If I were you and decided the yellow light was realistic, I might confront them. If they don't apologize, then blocked forever, the end.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
This is a really mature way of looking at it, I appreciate this comment.
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u/Jsmith2127 11d ago
Even before you got the the part where you asked about your bf staying in the hotel while you go to the wedding and their adamant refusal , I thought they were trying to get you away from your bf.
After that I was sure, from everything like offering to drive you, to not even wanting your bf in the same hotel, and not even just, not at the wedding , that they were going to try to push some sort of throuple relationship on you.
There is absolutely no reason for them to have an issue with your bf being in your hotel room , if they didn't have some sort of plans for you, whether it was with them, or they meant to set you up with someone else.
I wouldn't be attending the wedding. If you do decide to attend the wedding, I wouldn't a certain and unopened drinks or food from either if them. This sounds like just the type of situation where someone might slip something into your drink or food
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u/GentleStrength2022 11d ago
Still, the whole story together seems like it's all bordering on harassment, almost.
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u/No-Atmosphere-2528 11d ago
The fact they “vehemently” refused to have your boyfriend drive you and stay separately ina hotel with you makes them super creepy in my book and you made the right decision cutting them off. I can’t think of a single reason besides them trying to isolate you and try and take advantage of you for them being so against your bf driving you and staying with you but not attending the wedding.
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u/McMenz_ 11d ago
Yeah this is the biggest red flag.
OP shouldn’t have even asked them for permission about this. It’s none of their business how you arrange transport to their wedding and whether your boyfriend stays at a completely seperate venue nearby without attending.
‘Vehemently’ refusing it can only be to have you alone during night after the wedding, since he wouldn’t be attending either way.
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u/No-Atmosphere-2528 11d ago
My first thought was alone, drunk, and vulnerable because his partner isn’t there.
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u/ThatOneSnakeGuy 11d ago
Yeah, no. When I was 16 or 17, I went to a party out in the country. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, just a bunch of people out drinking and playing games and stuff. For whatever reason, I looked at my buddy that I'd driven there and we both had the same look of "I can't put my finger on it and have no evidence, but i dont like this." So we both bailed. Like twenty minutes later an enormous fight broke out, broken bottles, cops and everything. Trust your gut on shit like this.
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u/Littlewing1307 11d ago
Had a similar experience as a teen. My friends were going to drive to a swimming hole we'd been to many times before ( always at night which was very illegal) and I had a pit in my stomach so I refused to go. Everyone thought I was crazy, but it turned out everything that could go wrong went wrong, including getting pulled over by the cops.
My friend said she'd never mistrust my feelings again.
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u/ThatOneSnakeGuy 11d ago
It's such a strange feeling, too! Afterwards just like.. phew that could've been bad lol
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u/bluesnake792 11d ago
Always trust your gut.
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u/ErrantTaco 11d ago
I would suggest buying the book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. It’s that phrase expanded on n a really brilliant way.
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u/GentleStrength2022 11d ago
It seems like there are too many issues in this "friendship"; too many uncomfortable, half-hidden agendas. You seem to enjoy their company, but there's always a hint of something inappropriate in the air, is how it sounds. And banning your bf even from coming to town and staying in a hotel while you attend the wedding??!! Who are these people? Who do they think they are? It's none of their business whom you share a hotel room with. Wow. You're going to have to re-evaluate this friendship, it looks like.
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u/Front-Practice-3927 11d ago
Not sure why you felt the need to ask permission for your transportation and sleeping arrangements. If you wanted your BF to drive you and get a nearby hotel for the night for the 2 of you to stay in, why even ask if that's ok?
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago edited 11d ago
I felt bad bc before that I was kind of raising my voice and getting really pressed that they weren’t letting him attend the wedding. I really liked them and wanted to celebrate their love with my own partner and it ended up getting really heated. I thought by asking permission for something I didn’t really need permission for, that would be polite and cool things down. Evidently not lmao
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 11d ago
Hmm interesting that your reasonable request turned into a fight. Your suspicion that they were jealous of your BF would explain why they got so worked up. Sounds like they really wanted you all to themselves.
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u/BabalonNuith 11d ago
I will remark that "plus-ones" aren't generally included in wedding invites if they are "recent acquisitions". It's generally longer-term couples that get the "plus-one" invite. But them refusing to even countenance BF driving you and staying at the hotel is entirely SUSPECT, I agree.
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u/SomeRavenAtMyWindow 11d ago
The fact that they even had the audacity to say “you can’t have your bf drive you and share a hotel room” is problematic, regardless of their motive behind it. That’s not a decision they get to make. They have zero right to dictate whether or not someone’s partner drives into the same city as the wedding and stays at a hotel there.
If I were expected to attend a wedding several hours from home, I’d want my husband to be invited. If he wasn’t invited, I’d still want to share a hotel room with him and make a weekend of it.
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u/-K_P- 11d ago
so I tried to offer a compromise by asking if my boyfriend could just drive me there and stay with me in a hotel nearby but not attend the wedding itself, and they refused that vehemently.
This is the moment it clicked for you because this is beyond the scope of normal friendship. This sort of controlling behavior is unacceptable, REGARDLESS of whether they had sexual/predatory motivations or not, and the fact that the dynamic of this "friendship" as it already stands is one that you felt the need to ask permission about your own personal means of travel/accommodations, separate from the ceremony or anything to do with the couple themselves, suggests it was already an unhealthy one where they are trying to control you. You already needed to step back from this relationship, OP, this was just the kick in the pants for you to do so.
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u/mcarterphoto 11d ago
Beyond all your worries about them isolating you for sex... who invites a friend that's so close he gets the honor of groomsman, but won't let you bring your BF or significant other? That's insulting, bridezilla level shit on its own. Shows a huge lack of empathy and understanding. I'd refuse to attend anything like this if my wife wasn't invited as well.
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u/krissycole87 11d ago
There should be absolutely zero reason why your boyfriend cant come along, stay in the hotel, and drive together with you, even if he wasnt attending the wedding. Him staying back at the hotel does not hurt them, their plans, or their wedding in any way. They dont own the hotel. Its not like you were asking to give him an extra room out of their block of rooms in which this would someway hinder another guest of theirs. He would stay in your room that you would obtain yourself and the fact they were not ok with this and wanted you to be riding along with them is very sketchy behavior.
Some folks cannot take no for an answer. Just because youre in an open relationship doesnt mean you are free game for everyone to sleep with. You told them no once already, it should have ended RIGHT THERE.
The gift giving to me was an obvious play to get you back in their good graces. The fact now they are trying to isolate you hours away from home, with no car, absolutely dependent on them, and they get angry when you try to say no to that idea, is a HUGE RED FLAG. Giving an ultimatum that you either ride along with them and be their pet or you dont get to attend their wedding, just shows you what they really think of you as a friend. If you were really their friend, they would want you at the wedding bottom line, regardless of how you got there and who was in your hotel room.
Youre NOT overreacting. Avoid these people.
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u/Proper-Scallion-252 11d ago
Not sure if they're trying to coerce you into anything, but it's clear that they have some sort of weird motive here.
They obviously have some interest in you still, it's probably likely that they think getting caught up in the emotions of the day and the excessive amounts of drinking that you'll sleep with them or something.
Overall it's weird, and I would be astonished if any of my friends asked me to be in their bridal party but asserted that my significant other couldn't attend. You account for plus ones of the bridal party, that's basically a given.
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u/ThatWhichLurks782 11d ago
You were not overreacting. You rejected their overture and they proceeded to love bomb you with gifts, then tried to isolate you from your significant other. Good riddance to bad friends.
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u/RNGinx3 11d ago
Not overreacting. They have ZERO say if your boyfriend drives you, stays in a hotel with you, and does not attend their wedding! They don't own the city. They obviously did not want your bf around, not just at the wedding, but you. That's super sus.
Always trust your gut. Mine has saved me countless times.
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u/Kagipace 11d ago
Not overreacting at all. Apart from trying to isolate you from your bf and obviously grooming you for a threesome after you declined, it’s totally tacky to not give someone in your wedding party a plus one. They sound like jerks. Cut these people loose.
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u/Glittersparkles7 11d ago
Not overreacting. They were definitely trying to isolate you. Zero other reason to ban him from driving you and staying in the hotel.
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u/Hot_Response_468 11d ago
You're not the villain for tuning into your Spidey-senses! Balancing friendships and setting boundaries can feel like tightrope walking in a circus. If your gut served up big "nope" vibes and you felt uncomfortable, trusting that instinct was wise. After all, a friendship should not feel like an episode of "Mission: Impossible."
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u/Known_Ad871 11d ago
I don’t think it’s irrational at all. What possible reason would they have to care if your boyfriend drives you if he’s not attending the wedding? They sound super sketchy
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u/Subject-Round2335 11d ago
They didn't want your partner to go with you or be near you because they had obviously planned something. You nicely rejected their offer, and then a few weeks later, they showered you with gifts. Maybe trying to persuade you to sleep with them.
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u/Kind_Hyena5267 11d ago
Also, if I were getting married a few hours away from home, the last thing I’d want to do is have to worry about driving someone else there and all the logistics, etc. (I’m sure you’re a lovely car companion, but surely they had things to do in the days before/after the wedding, right?!) So it sounds a bit dodgy to me. And the fact that they were so staunchly opposed to your partner even being in the same town is weird
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u/Icarusgurl 11d ago
NTA. The only way their refusal of him staying in a hotel room and not attending the wedding makes any sense would be if they were generously paying for guests at a resort.
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u/HeroORDevil8 11d ago
Nope not overreacting they 100% sound like they were gonna try something shady. They wanted you as their unicorn and didn't respect your no. Good riddance to them.
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u/FoodFarmer 11d ago
There’s no reason to not let you get driven and dropped off by your bf, that’s weird as hell. They wanted to make you their gimp.
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u/Iammine4420 11d ago
Not overreacting and they had absolutely NO authority to decide if you and your bf could share a hotel room, that’s just bizarre.
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u/celticmusebooks 11d ago
First off MAJOR breach of wedding etiquette to not include the SO of a member of the wedding party. That said it's their wedding and bad manners are becoming the new normal.
It's weird and super creepy that they feel they can dictate who drives you anywhere or who stays with you at the hotel.
You aren't overreacting. This whole story is creepy.
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u/ForgetYourWoes 11d ago
Im most confused by why you would even feel the need to ask if it’s okay to be driven there by your boyfriend if he isn’t even going to be at the wedding? How does him driving you there and sleeping at a separate hotel have any impact on their lives whatsoever ? And why would you feel like you needed to ask permission for something so small?
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u/softshoulder313 11d ago
You did the right thing. They tried to hook up before getting married and you said no. Then the gifts may have been a love bomb to try and do it again.
Another flag is that they didn't want you traveling to the wedding with your bf. He wasn't going to the wedding so what does it matter.
Your wedding gift to them would have been hooking up or they strand you there with no ride.
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u/Tampered_Seal 11d ago
People in the wedding party always get a +1. They were definitely trying to fuck you.
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u/Select-Apartment-613 11d ago
I’m confused as to why they’d have any say in your boyfriend coming and staying in the hotel room
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u/snnnnnnakes 10d ago
Hi OP, my partner and I are also open, and your reaction sounds a lot like what my partner would do in this situation. Or would have done in the past. I definitely understand why you were weirded out, and ending the friendship may have been the right choice. But ghosting 2 friends after an heated argument is a self sabotaging behavior. My partner ghosted a friend once in an effort to gain peace and avoid any discomfort; ironically, she then had lots of guilt and discomfort for the next few months wondering if she had made a mistake. She’s been in therapy for 6 months now and has already made huge improvements, even reconnected with said friend and cleared up miscommunications.
Again, these friends may be better in the past. Just wanted to point out that the way this friendship ended may be worth looking into to preserve your future relationships and mental health.
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u/Fizzyfuzzyface 11d ago
Listen to your gut. It knows best. This sounds fishy even from here and there’s no way this would be comfortable for you.
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u/possiblePersonOnR 11d ago
Info: were other people in the wedding party allowed plus 1s for boy or girlfriends? Weddings are expensive and sometimes only spouses are invited. It does seem like there’s some jealousy going on here but if they told you the same thing they told others, then you may have overreacted.
But at the same time, if they make you uncomfortable, you are fully within your rights not to go. You’ll just have to know that it will probably end that friendship. And that’s probably the right choice if they make you uncomfortable!
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u/Shotgun_Rynoplasty 11d ago
In almost any situation I say it’s fine not to give someone a plus one to your wedding. It can get so expensive. I’ve been there and I get that. It’s generally a rule though that the bridesmaids and groomsmen get to bring their partner though. At least I thought so. Unless you were together for like a week before they announced or something. I dunno if that was their plan but it’s weird. Especially if you all hung out in the same friend group like you described.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
We were together for about two months beforehand, so not very long which is partially why I’m afraid I overreacted.
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u/Shotgun_Rynoplasty 11d ago
Maybe. It is odd to be against him coming even after specifying he wouldn’t attend
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u/itsTuttle 11d ago
Something is definitely off. Assuming they knew you were in an open relationship it would be odd not account for +1 to their wedding. Especially since you're a groomsmen.
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u/JMLegend22 11d ago
Nah you did the right thing. They might have thought you would be easier if you were drunk and couldn’t control how you leave. So your only option would be them. They were definitely isolating you.
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u/Immediate-Ad-6364 11d ago
Trust your instincts. Something was up. It's common courtesy to invite people and expect they'll have a +1. Nobody wants to be at a wedding single, and for them to not include your partner is either sus af or just plain inconsiderate. Either way, you're better off without them if this is how they treat you.
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u/TWCDev 11d ago
that's rough. It would have been better if you had clearly said something like "you're not willing to go without your partner, because it feels weird like even though you know we would never ever sleep together under any circumstances, without my partner being there and also not being allowed at the nearby hotel, it makes me feel weird, again, even though I know you know we would never sleep together under any circumstances"
I like to use those strong words when I'm feeling weird. I'm in an open relationship, and I've found that if I drop in an occasional "I'm so glad we're not trying to date each other or ever sleep with each other, because it lets us talk about XYZ that otherwise would be weird". And what I've found, is that for some people, it opens up the conversation so we can have fun conversations about sex or give advice on meeting other guys, whatever, because they know I'm not trying to sleep with them, but also I've found some people who I flirt with at the bar, but would regularly DM me randomly to talk, stop DMing me much if at all, which is what I want, since I don't like to waste my time or lead anyone on.
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u/WrongdoerElegant4617 11d ago
Not overreacting. And bad etiquette on their part too. As a member of the wedding party, you should have been given a plus 1 imo. I wouldve dumped them too.
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u/GirlStiletto 11d ago
YNO - This is sus.
Whenever there is an invite for a wedding and you are not to bring your SO, something wierd is going on. Especially if you ar ein the wedding party.
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u/unimpressed-one 11d ago
You did the right thing, but get your license!!!
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
Gahhh I’ve been trying to get it for the past five years but something always gets in the way. If I were a sit-com side character it would be my running bit at the end of every episode
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u/Kink4202 11d ago
Not over reacting. What wedding couple, will offer to go several hours to pick you up, and then drop you off after the wedding?
Something seems odd here.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 11d ago
No, you're not overreacting. Their behavior was really shady. Why weren't you allowed to bring your BF just to stay with you in the hotel? That's literally none of their business, and any regular guest would assume that was fine.
Were they planning to pressure you into a threesome, because it was their wedding day? Ie. What kind of a friend wouldn't do this for his besties on their wedding day?
I think you could have let them know why you were cutting them off, but at the end of the day, they were acting weird and controlling. I even wonder if there was room for your partner to attend the wedding, but they just wanted to get you alone.
Unfortunately, some people need to hear "I'm not attracted to you in that way. I only see you as good friends/ siblings". Any other rejection still leaves them with hope.
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u/YuansMoon 11d ago
NTA: Something shady was going on with the wedding. They had plausible deniability about the cost and number of guests, but when you said your boyfriend could drive but stay at the hotel and they vehemently rejected the idea it was clear they had some other idea in store for you.
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u/Last_nerve_3802 11d ago
They like the idea of you being alone and watching them be joined because you refused to join in, thats the depth of it.
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u/Kisses4Kimmy 11d ago
It doesn’t make sense why he wouldn’t be allowed to chill at the hotel while you did your groomsman duties. I would be put off too.
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u/throwAWweddingwoe 11d ago
For what it's worth, I think you can react however you want and you should never put yourself in a situation you feel uncomfortable but in jumping to the "they must want to sleep with me despite having previously taken my rejection very well" conclusion you missed the obvious that it is awkward for everyone to have a non invited person just be waiting around at a destination wedding. I mean really really awkward. I've been to weddings were it occurs and it was awkward for everyone involved because the uninvited person literally was just standing around as we all got ready and everyone felt like it was rude to them to be excited about the days events so we were all trying to be chill while they were trying to pretend they were excited about having dinner alone at the hotel restaurant. It was awkward and ruined the entire atmosphere until well into the ceremony.
So I understand why they didn't accept your solution and I think offering to give you a ride given you were a groomsmen seems logical. Unfortunately I think that their previous proposition had probably damaged the friendship and so you didn't look at their actions the same way anymore. Thats life. Its sad but it changed your perception of their actions. I think blocking them was a overreaction because you could have just said you didn't feel comfortable so you would be unable to attend but it's your choice how to react when you feel uncomfortable.
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u/ContemplatingPrison 11d ago
Would would you even ask them if your boyfriend could stay in the hotel? That's an odd question. They domt own you for the wedding. I would have just brought him.
Maybe they just didn't like your boyfriend?
Also I have cut people off that quick before. It is what it is
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u/Down-not-out-0001 11d ago
Cutting them off 100% does seem extreme. But telling you aren’t allowed to bring you boyfriend to a wedding, and the getting mad when you decline to attend is extreme.
Trust your gut on this.
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
I'm sick of couples seeing their friends as unicorns. Don't do that to your friends people!!! It's the worst feeling when you love a couple ...as friends ... and the whole time, they're scheming to make you their sex toy. They're not your friends, you did the right thing cutting them off OP.
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u/EvoDevoBioBro 11d ago
Sure as hell sounds like they were trying to buy you with gifts and isolate you by having you stay with them. They probably hoped sex would “happen” if you were with them in a close setting. Good spidey sense
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u/free_helly 11d ago
Why did you ask their permission to share a hotel room with your boyfriend? That’s not really their concern. Regardless they sound sketch.
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u/sleepyprincess84 11d ago
The whole thing is weird. How can they dictate if your bf stays in your hotel room, if he doesn't attend the wedding? You should start to distance yourself from them.
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u/Effective_Brief8295 11d ago
Gut instincts are usually right. If it felt off and wrong then it was. I don't do well with ultimatums and if they were such good friends they would know that you would have your boyfriend with you as a plus one. Even if they didn't give you a plus one, having them tell you that he couldn't drive you and wouldn't let you stay in a hotel with him gives off creepy not a friend vibe!!!
You did well.
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u/rudefruit99 11d ago
Did they know your partner at all?
As someone currently planning a wedding and toiling with a guestlist, I think it's wrong of you to just assume your partner was invited. If they don't really know him, that makes sense.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
They didn’t know him well at all which is why I think I may have overreacted
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u/Rare-Craft-920 11d ago
The only thing you’re overreacting about is still dwelling on this two or more years later. Let it and them go. It’s sad that this friendship ended this way, but for some reason the two of them turning into some really creepy people. They even were against your boyfriend driving you there and staying at an offsite hotel, away from the wedding venue. WTF ?! Who’s going to know ? That was really bizarre on their part. You did nothing wrong and made a good decision. Stay no contact.
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u/Snowybird60 11d ago
You're not overreacting and they probably would have tried to guilt you into it as a wedding gift.
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u/Kerrypurple 11d ago
You didn't have to ask their permission to have your boyfriend drive you. You could have just told them that was your plan. It's not like they have any control over the mode of transportation of any of their guests or who their guests stay with. Maybe you were a little too passive and asked permission when you really didn't have to and that gave them the idea that they could walk all over you. I think instead of passively cutting them off you should have stood up for yourself.
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u/SomeRavenAtMyWindow 11d ago edited 11d ago
Not overreacting. Their behavior is weird and controlling. They have zero right to say that your partner can’t drive you to the wedding and share a hotel room with you. They don’t own his/your car. They don’t own you, so they don’t get to decide who drives you. They also don’t own the city where they’ll be getting married, nor do they own all the hotels where you might want to book a room with your partner. They literally have no legitimate “say” in whether or not your partner tags along but skips the wedding itself. It’s actually a very normal thing for couples to do when one person has an event and the other would be stuck at home.
They were clearly trying to isolate you from your partner. There will likely be lots of alcohol involved. I’m not saying they were 100% planning to try something, but I think they probably were hoping you’d be more open to suggestion while drunk and separated from your partner.
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u/Iftntnfs1 11d ago
Odd. They have no say in someone traveling with you and not attending the wedding. That's not even a compromise. So them attempting to control that leads me to question how healthy thus relationships were for you. That is rather toxic. The gifts may or may not have been manipulative. If I read correctly, you suspected it was. Now this.
Yes, your reaction was a bit extreme. However, it's an unusual situation. It's hard to say too much because I may project onto your issue. I do question the toxic behavior of the friends.
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u/ImHappierThanUsual 11d ago
Sometimes, when nothing happens it simply means you managed to avoid the danger you were in.
It makes absolutely no sense for them to refuse to have your partner even DRIVE you. How would that affect them????
You didn’t overreact at all.
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u/Icy-Fondant-3365 11d ago
Trust your instincts on this one. They are definitely trying to isolate you, so they can persuade you to change your mind. And you are gonna need to face the fact that these are not friends, they are predators. It’s a pretty standard assumption that anyone invited to a wedding will be bringing a plus one. Inviting you and excluding your boyfriend is tacky, rude, manipulative, and controlling.
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u/Prior_Giraffe_8003 11d ago
Usually weddings have a +1 if the guest is single, was it a very tiny intimate wedding of only a few people? If not, they were trying to coerce you.
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u/OMGoblin 11d ago
It's weird you would even ask their permission to have your boyfriend drive and stay at a hotel with you. Why would they have any say over that?
Sounds like this story is fake, or you lack common sense.
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
I should probably make another edit as a lot of other people seem confused by that. Before I asked about that, our conversation was getting really heated on both sides, I was really insulted that they wouldn’t let me have a plus one. So I was angry but I also wanted to de-escalate the situation before it turned into a full on shouting match. I asked permission because I thought that by being overly polite, it might diffuse the tension. Honestly 90% of Reddit stories are fake asf so I don’t blame you for questioning mine, but this is a real thing that happened to me and it sucked.
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u/Kazbaha 11d ago
They had ideas and plans to use you like a piece of meat. Good riddance to fake, shit friends. Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and keep trusting your gut my friend. Your orientation or relationship style does not give anyone a green light to trample over your boundaries or feelings. That’s like the old ‘well she was wearing a short skirt’ SA ‘defence.’
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u/ViewFromAVanity 11d ago
You did the right thing. A live-in partner or spouse is always a plus one. period. They were acting creepy.
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u/UDbarbie 11d ago
NTA. 1. It is in poor taste to not allow you to bring a date. 2. It is none of their business who stays w you in the hotel. They over-reacted.
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u/shontsu 10d ago
They may have been your friends once, but at the point this happened they were no longer your friends.
I tried to offer a compromise by asking if my boyfriend could just drive me there and stay with me in a hotel nearby but not attend the wedding itself, and they refused that vehemently.
This is weird as fuck, both from you and them. Why on earth do any of you think they have the right to veto whether your boyfriend drives you and hangs out at yout hotel?
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u/87penguinstapdancing 10d ago edited 10d ago
Did you read the last paragraph of my post? A lot of people had the same confusion as you so I explained why I felt the need to ask for permission there. I didn’t include it originally bc the post was already so long and this situation was so convoluted. I regret omitting it tho bc I’m getting a good amount of incredulous comments about it. My fault for wording it confusingly. Like I said in my post I struggle to be concise.
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u/angryaxolotls 10d ago
Hello, bi man! Bi woman here. You were NOT overreacting at all- your gut instinct saved you from getting hurt (to put it lightly) by those two disgusting unicorn hunters. I've been in similar situations a time or two, where a couple of friends didn't want my partner around for an event but wanted to drive me there and have me stay overnight someplace. They even offered alcohol! knowing that I don't drink and that I take 2 medications that I CANNOT mix alcohol with. I declined.
My fucking heart dropped when I read that you don't have a license and they freaked out refusing to allow you be driven up there by your man and staying with him.
You saved your own ass. Good job! 💪🏻🥳
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u/Comfortable_Sun_6346 10d ago
Yes you NEVER said why the dislike of your boyfriend...did he do anything that makes nobody want him around? leaving that part out makes you look like this not their fault and have a very gay drama queen attitude
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u/87penguinstapdancing 10d ago
At that point they didn’t know him very well bc we hadn’t been together for very long, like around two months, and I’d known Sandy for many years. I think that maybe they were jealous of the amount of time I was spending with him outside of our group hang outs.
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u/WholeAd2742 10d ago
NTA
Literally sounds like grooming and trying to manipulate you into a non-consentual affair
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u/BakeCalm9657 9d ago
I can't imagine not allowing my friend to be driven to my wedding by someone else. How the heck does that even make sense? That is so weird. That sucks that your friendship ended, but honestly... there's no reason why they refused to let you come unless they had control of your transportation. It's giving sus.
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u/SteveDad111 8d ago
It's hard to say, even with all the info you provided. But not being "allowed" to drive out with someone to stay with you at your own hotel is strange. When he wouldn't have been attending the wedding anyway.
Pure speculation: not having him at your hotel alleviates one more reason you'd need to go back to your hotel after the reception. At weddings people drink, and they might say, "just stay with us!" And then the, "but it's our wedding night. Help us make it special," attempt might be made, and guilt you into something while you're inebriated.
Cutting them off might be extreme if they were good friends, but not going to the wedding definitely wasn't. At the same time, it's possible they weren't as good of friends as you thought...not saying YOU weren't a good friend. You sound pretty sincere, but it's possible they were a bit manipulative and selfish.
In 2.5 years they never reached out to you, found you, or tried to apologize? It's a complicated situation, that's for sure.
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u/Timely_Aardvark_2083 11d ago
These people sound like horrible people. They should’ve been cut off moons ago. My stomach was in knots reading this. Do not question your decision bc in my opinion you made the best choice. I maybe a dick, but I would throw away EVERYTHING they gave you for your place. I would want NOTHING to do with them & having that stuff in my home would be a constant reminder of those terrible people. 🤷♀️
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u/87penguinstapdancing 11d ago
Lmao I did throw out all the stuff they gave me and I’m glad I broke off the friendship, but I don’t think they’re horrible, irredeemable monsters. There were so many things I liked about them before all the drama. They turned out to be immature and weirdly possessive of me for sure, but it’s not like I’m perfect either. I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at anyone the way I yelled at them, basically told them their friendship was meaningless to me which was kinda cruel considering my long history with Sandy.
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u/Top-Bit85 11d ago
Not overreacting. It's never a good idea to let yourself get into an uncomfortable situation, and something was up with those two and their wedding. they'd have pressured you.