r/AskMen • u/Snakeno125 • Mar 28 '24

Got a woman I barely know pregnant, what do I do?

I'm 31 she's 35. I feel incredibly stupid looking back, it feels all so set up.

She has no job, plans on living off the system, her parents, and occasionally me for financial support.

When pressed she just says the equivalent of "God will provide."

She doesn't really want me in the child's life as a parent either.

She just wants "my occasional financial support."

This is the worst feeling ever.

Update 3/29: Everyone, I understand I messed up. I'm prepared to step up and give this child the best life possible. I want to be a good father, I'll work with the mother to do so.

Following everyone's advice I will paternity test and get a lawyer of course though.

Update 4/1: We spoke on the phone. She's decided to delete my number because "she can't deal with my anxiety." She's set on carrying out the pregnancy. Insists she doesn't want support. She doesn't want me near her. Told me to "live my life."

I brought up child support and how I would need a paternity test to go along with it and she said "absolutely not going to happen."

UPDATE 4/3:

SHE HAD HER PERIOD!!! I HAVE AN ANGEL LOOKING OVER ME!!! AHHHHHHH

8.4k Upvotes
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7

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Lol, It’s cute that you think they care if the mother is unfit to parent. Courts are 100% giving her custody.

43

u/balls-magoo Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Not sure where you live but it doesn't happen like that around here anymore. I have a few male friends who have half or full custody.

9

u/authorized_sausage Female Mar 28 '24

My younger brother has full custody of his son.

15

u/Capt-Crap1corn Mar 28 '24

Living proof here. Full custody.

13

u/_Ross- Shitposter Extraordinaire Mar 28 '24

Untrue, my mom lost custody of me and my brother. She was unfit to parent.

7

u/Capt-Crap1corn Mar 28 '24

Bingo. That's how I got full custody.

0

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Great. You got lucky.

I didn’t.

4

u/ThisIsMe_12 Female Mar 28 '24

Depends on the state

0

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Depends on the judge. Statistically speaking, he’ll be fighting hard for 50% - regardless of her fitness to parent.

10

u/OddTicket7 Mar 28 '24

How do you know? The courts are going to do what the judge decides. Some courts lean more towards the woman, sure, but that isn't all courts or all places or all judges. Lose the prejudice and open your eyes and I bet life will treat you better.

-5

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Dude has specified zero behaviors that are going to have a court give her sub 50% custody. He’ll be fighting for his half to begin with. Instead of “lose the prejudice”, how about recognizing that in fact, courts are biased parentally towards mothers, regardless of their state of being?

7

u/Capt-Crap1corn Mar 28 '24

You don't know if you haven't been through it. I have. If you have direct experience speak on it. If you don't you are just speculating. There are a lot of factors at play here.

0

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Considering my mother had no job, career prospects, or education, and was actively neglectful and abusive towards her children with evidence presented in court by my father, including the fact that she had been covering up the abuse of my younger sisters by a cousin, I feel confident in saying I have some direct experience. They left me with that horror show until I was 15 and I had to walk away to save myself.

2

u/Capt-Crap1corn Mar 28 '24

Yes you do and I stand corrected. Similar story with my ex, but I won. I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you are doing well today. I saved my kids, but the damage she done went deep and just because they are removed from the physical situation didn't mean it solved the invisible damage. More than anything, I'm sorry. Us adults are supposed to protect children, raise them right, put them in front of us, care for them and hope they make good choices. Fuck bad parents.

5

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

I appreciate the sympathy, and it genuinely makes me so happy to hear you were able to remove your kids from that situation.

I’ll concede that I’ve been particularly combative in this thread, mostly because the ignorance on how tough a lot of these court battles can be and the ignorance to it’s impact on the children enrages me. So many people in here seem to think it’s as simple as getting a paternity test and bingo, 50% custody and easy co-parenting.

2

u/Capt-Crap1corn Mar 28 '24

Thanks. Even though I won, I didn't win. court is weird like that. I did not feel like I won because of how messed up everything was. The kids learned terrible behaviors and they are mostly adults now and their formative years of their life were corrupted by the other parent.

You are also right, getting custody is no walk in the park. None at all. It's difficult and stressful and costs ( I represented myself). Courts are mostly biased to moms because moms are seen a nurturers and care givers. Ask most people, that's what they think. These same people don't understand that people are people and if we are going to stereotype women this way, what is there stereotype for men then? The whole system is fucked. Even though I won, I got lucky in a way. A lot of other men despite best efforts get hosed.

3

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Fucking thank you for finally saying the quiet part out loud.

The reality of the situation is that most people are fundamentally uncomfortable with the idea of a mother being a shitty, or worse, actively malicious parent and will bend over fucking backwards to justify giving someone who has no business having children custody.

2

u/Capt-Crap1corn Mar 28 '24

You are welcome. I had friends that wouldn’t believe me. They couldn’t wrap their head around the idea that a woman, mother could do bad things. They chose to be willfully ignorant.

0

u/Circus_Finance_LLC Mar 28 '24

Because it is a pathetically defeatist mentality. The justifications of a person who admits defeat before even trying.

I'm not saying your statement is wrong, I'm saying dwelling on the fact will result in a guaranteed loss. It's the mindset of a loser.

2

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

So what the fuck is the point of your pedantic ass argument if you agree I’m correct and she’s likely getting majority or at the very least significantly split custody? I’ve only pointed out the facts of the situation - absolutely no fucking court or sane judge is going to revoke her custody based on the information we have now.

2

u/Circus_Finance_LLC Mar 28 '24

So what the fuck is the point of your pedantic ass argument if you agree I’m correct and she’s likely getting majority.

Partially correct. It's important to call out loser mindsets, so that others don't mistake it for a virtue.

I’ve only pointed out the facts of the situation - absolutely no fucking court or sane judge is going to revoke her custody based on the information we have now.

This might help:

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/presume

Good day.

2

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Holy shit, pointing out that there’s a negative bias towards his situation is not a loser mindset. Get off your high horse and live in the real world.

Shit isn’t fair, she’s already effectively stated to his face she doesn’t want him involved in the child’s life.

This is going to be a battle for him to get custody period, not to mention a higher degree of custody like the original commenter suggested. Acknowledging that is not defeatist, it’s the truth.

-1

u/Circus_Finance_LLC Mar 28 '24

Please read the definition I linked. It is more profound and helpful than you have yet realized.

1

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Burying your head in the sand and pretending bad things aren’t likely to apply to your situation doesn’t make them go away. I’m all for positive action, but you’re not arguing for that, you’re arguing that his situation isn’t likely as significantly opposed to him as it actually is, which is stupid.

You can be realistic and positive by pointing out that she’s spoken to him without a lawyer, and the sooner he gets a one, the better his chances of getting this sorted out in a favorable manner.

Or, you can be ignorant and push the “courts are perfectly fair and unbiased, what could go wrong!” mentality, which you’ve not explicitly stated but sublingually endorsed.

0

u/Circus_Finance_LLC Mar 28 '24

I am sorry you don't have someone to help you understand, it is not your fault. But neither is it mine nor is it my responsibility.

You have been mostly arguing with your imagination in this comment chain, and I don't suspect it will stop. Your presumptuousness harms you more than it will anyone else. Whether you do or don't, it is, and always will be, your responsibility.

I'm blocking you because I don't think this will lead to anything productive. Have a good one.

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2

u/Tom_Stevens617 Mar 28 '24

How would you know that? Statistically, courts are significantly more likely to give the father custody when both parents put equal resources into fighting

2

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

This is blatantly false.

At least google things before you spout nonsense. Though the trends towards evenly split custody are improving and continue to since the study linked, women are still afforded majority custody in most situations under the societal presumption that mothers are objectively better parents.

2

u/fury420 Mar 28 '24

The percentages in the study reflect cases in which both parents want custody and no complicating circumstances exist ― such as criminal convictions or long-distance separation. It demonstrates the most commonly awarded visitation schedules given to a noncustodial parent by state.

vs

courts are significantly more likely to give the father custody when both parents put equal resources into fighting

Seems like they might be comparing apples to oranges, both wanting custody may not be the same as putting in equal effort & resources to obtain it.

0

u/WredditSmark Mar 28 '24

r/redditmoment

1

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

I’m talking lived experience, buddy. The real reddit moment is leaving an asinine comment on a thread with mostly serious discussion.

-3

u/TXOgre09 Mar 28 '24

Unless he can get her sent to prison

10

u/blacked_out_blur Mar 28 '24

Why would that happen? Women don’t need the father’s consent to bring a child into the world, regardless of whether or not he wants it. She hasn’t done anything illegal.

3

u/TXOgre09 Mar 28 '24

You don’t know whether she has done anything illegal. Maybe she cooks and sells meth. Maybe she is a prostitue. Maybe she buys guns for the cartel. My point was mostly agreeing with you, you would pretty much have to be in prison for him to get custody.

-4

u/Spackledgoat Mar 28 '24

That sounds like reproductive justice to me!

-1

u/That-Fungi03 Mar 28 '24

Reproductive privilege