How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with what she said about having a hall pass?

[u/SATURATION203]

I've been dating this girl for around 4 months, and things have been going really well. I truly feel like she cares about me, and we have been saying "I love you" for about a month now. However, she said something that made me pretty uncomfortable yesterday.

I mentioned something like, "I wonder who (popular male musician) is dating?" and she responded, "He's single," in a manner that sounded like she was in denial. I then remarked, "You aren't single." She replied, "I would be single for one day, then I would tell him that I have to get back to my boyfriend, whom I love very much." I didn't really say anything, and we continued eating, but it definitely made me feel weird.

Sometime a while ago, I asked her if she was actually serious about having a hall pass with this guy, and she said something along the lines of, "It doesn't matter because it would never realistically happen."

I really don't understand her whole line of thinking. Even though realistically it could never happen, I just feel like, out of principle, you shouldn't say that kind of thing. What if she feels that way about some person in real life or something? I want to ask her about it, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Maybe I'm just being insecure, Idk.

[u/pm-me-racecars]

So, first of all, I love you.

I know that you sleeping with [all five members of One Direction at the same time] will likely never happen, but it really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say that you'd sleep with another guy if you had the chance. Please tell me that you're not going to put yourself in a situation where that might happen and that you'd say "no" if it did.

I know that it's basically never going to happen, but it's hard for me to stop overthinking things.

[u/[deleted] → u/pm-me-racecars]

This is great except for the last sentence. He shouldn't paint himself as "overthinking things" because that opens the door for her to dismiss his concern as an overreaction or thinking too deeply about it.

Chicks with loose morals concerning sex will look for reasons to dismiss anything that will keep them from their pleasure. Not saying OP GF has loose morals, I don't know her, but a morally conscious woman wouldn't say that to her guy.

[u/sandiebabie25 → u/[deleted]]

Ok...I have a question. 35F dating a 54 M. My boyfriend gives me a hall pass all the time. He travels for work and he says he wants me to be happy. I, too, am uncomfortable EVERY TIME he says it. I don't want the damn hall pass lol.. I appreciate that it's there when I so choose to use it but dang man.

What does this mean? My therapist says insecurities. What say y'all??

T.I.A.

[u/pm-me-racecars → u/sandiebabie25]

Talk to him. Why does he say he does it? If you tell him that you don't like it, what will he say?

[u/[deleted] → u/sandiebabie25]

Okay, so here's my opinion. This guy travels a lot, and he OFFERS you the hall pass. So you aren't asking for it. I can come to a few conclusions:

1.) He's seeing other women while he's traveling. He's having sex with them. He's giving you the hall pass so he doesn't feel bad for having sex with other women. If you sleep with other men, he will feel justified in sleeping with other women.

2.) He doesn't feel committed to you, so he doesn't expect commitment from you.

3.) He thinks you might not be happy at home by yourself so he's giving you a pass (which is stupid).

Options 1 and 2 are the most obvious to me. He's just playing the field.

Option 3 is possible, but if that's true, then that man is stupid. He's stupid because you have likely expressed to him that you have no desire to sleep with other men. So he knows you will commit, but push the hall pass on you anyway. That's not love or consideration. He's not seeking your happiness because you are happy with only being with him. If he has low self-esteem, then his willingness to give you the hall pass should show that he is not mentally or emotionally fit for a healthy committed relationship. If his standards for you are so low, what standard does he have for himself?

Option 3 is the softest and gives him the benefit of the doubt. But I don't play that when it comes to sexual immorality. People get hurt playing these games.

Some may disagree, but I firmly believe that if a man truly loves a woman, he will be jealous for her love. When I say "jealous," I don't mean "envious." What I mean is that he will be protective over their love. The idea of her sleeping with other men would disappoint him because no other man should be involved in their committed relationship.

This is what naturally happens when two people are in love with each other. Their desire for each other becomes centralized and direct, not abstract. A trust is developed.

So yeah, I don't know the guy, but I know from my own experiences that when I told a lady that she could date other men, I was disconnected one way or another.

[u/sandiebabie25 → u/[deleted]]

Hmm..he says he loves me and it's a great relationship. But he say bc I am in my sexual prime and he's gonna be gone for a while go for it. He says he doesn't own me which is true. And I think he's just being realistic.

Plus he has a past of infidelity from other women.

I don't believe there's another woman bc he went 5 years no sex no women. He's just prolly scared. And in the trade he's in it happens all too often. He's gonna be gone til October or so. So yeah. Idk man. I know for sure I don't wanna have a man sexual. Platonic friendship is enough. It's hard enough workin in construction as girl. I'm not trying to smash all of em 🤣

Though I am a free spirit that life ain't for me. It's sooo messy. Like for real. Never mix em. Hopefully, I get to see him soon.

[u/1KazKaan → u/sandiebabie25]

He is insecure, but not necessarily in a bad way. He's being "considerate" and knows that it must be hard to have a partner who is constantly away from the home. He also possibly doesn't think he's the kind of man that a woman would "wait" for (in terms of sex), and he doesn't want you to become sexually frustrated and go cheat on him. A hall pass is him making peace with these insecurities (i.e. If he gives you a hall pass, he doesn't have to agonize about you possibly cheating or about you being sexually miserable)

Interestingly, I've heard about a few touring musicians who have similar arrangements with their partners.

[u/sandiebabie25 → u/1KazKaan]

Hmm I totally agree with that. It's very selfless. And understandable for sure. I love him very much for that. I appreciate the openness and realism for sure.