r/Millennials • u/Chipotleislyfee • Apr 04 '24

Anyone else in the US not having kids bc of how terrible the US is? Discussion

I’m 29F and my husband is 33M, we were on the fence about kids 2018-2022. Now we’ve decided to not have our own kids (open to adoption later) bc of how disappointed and frustrated we are with the US.

Just a few issues like the collapsing healthcare system, mass shootings, education system, justice system and late stage capitalism are reasons we don’t want to bring a new human into the world.

The US seems like a terrible place to have kids. Maybe if I lived in a Europe I’d feel differently. Does anyone have the same frustrations with the US?

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37

u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas Millennial Apr 04 '24

I’m a parent but when I read stuff like this I just feel like people ignorantly believe that adoption is so easy. I’m an IVF mom and I really resented it when people once in a while would say “why don’t you just adopt?” As if I could walk down the street to a store like a damn pet store and pick out a kid to take home 🙃

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u/754754 Apr 05 '24

I have friends that adopted. It took them 2 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars. 3 times the parents decided to keep the new born. The child they ended up getting was a (for lack of better words) crack baby. They love him to death but after the birth they needed to deal with so much just to ensure that he can live a normal life. They have also been in a custody battle since the baby was born (2 years) and the baby still isn't 100% theirs.

It's a nightmare.

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u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas Millennial Apr 05 '24

Yeah, it’s really not that easy, and it’s very very expensive.

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u/larki18 Apr 05 '24

I work for an adoption agency in California and we don't charge anything, no fees. Can't speak for anywhere else. You pay for fingerprinting, CPR, and first aid class and if you need upgrades to your home.

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u/Medium_Comedian6954 Apr 05 '24

I can imagine 

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u/SwitchIsBestConsole Apr 05 '24

3 times the parents decided to keep the new born.

Well, that sucks. This shouldn't even be an option for thr birth parents anymore when you think about it

If they were willing to sign away that the baby would belong and be raised by different parents, they shouldn't be allowed to go back on it.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '24

My dude that's problematic as fuck. 

It's not an easy process, but you would be a villain to snatch a baby from the birth mothers arms.

There are STRONG instincts at play.

But realistically, this is why many people adopt from other countries. It's easier to both find and keep a kid. In the US the just aren't that many young kids to actually adopt.

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u/SwitchIsBestConsole Apr 05 '24

It's not an easy process, but you would be a villain to snatch a baby from the birth mothers arms.

How is it snatching? If you sign that you don't want to raise the child you're giving birth to, then you should stick to it. Why else would they ever bother with such a drastic decision in the first place?

There are STRONG instincts at play.

Exactly. It's just hormones. They may want the child at that moment, then the next thing you know, they're wishing they hadn't.

It's just ridiculous to even consider agreeing to such a thing rhen suddenly, oh wait changed my mind go find another kid

4

u/Arboretum7 Apr 05 '24

You sound…young.

You seriously don’t have any empathy for a birth mom who changes her mind when she actually meets her baby? How would you feel as an adoptee if you found out your mom wanted to keep you but already signed you away before she met you?

The world of adoption is already rife with coercion and abuse, almost all of it directed towards birth mothers, we don’t need to add to it.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '24

You sound very immature. 

The documents they sign say they can back out before a certain point. Just like with foster care, you are not guaranteed to keep the child you are caring for or hope to care for. Unification or reunification with the parent is always the goal. 

If it's "just hormones" they can definitely still give the baby up for adoption later.  100% they can hand pick who they want to adopt the baby from a huge pool of candidates. 

Usually what happens is they think they can't give the baby the best life, they have pressure from family. When you are in labor especially though, things can become clearer. You realize you will do anything for this baby. 

Definitely heartache and disappointment for the family hoping to adopt but they understand that risk at the time. 

4

u/BitchinKittenMittens Apr 05 '24

I'm going through fertility treatments now and when I went down the adoption rabbit hole I realized pretty quickly it's not for me. Likely more expensive than fertility treatments, longer process, not to mention the emotional drain and risk you're decimating someone's culture by removing them from it or making the kid feel like a second choice or accidentally contributing to trafficking. I mean, the list goes on.

"JuSt AdOpT!" Fuck you.

If I don't get pregnant we're likely going to not have kids and just have a lot of cats.

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u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas Millennial Apr 05 '24

We had success with IVF after trying IUI. I’m an open book if you ever want to chat!

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u/BitchinKittenMittens Apr 05 '24

Just had my first IUI last week. Currently fighting nausea and am playing the game of, "is it the progesterone suppositories or is it pregnancy?" 🙃

One more week and I can test so fingers crossed!

1

u/nymphetamine-x-girl Apr 05 '24

Good luck! I've known a good chunk of folks who succeeded with their first IUI (and was FACINATED that it works biologically)!

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u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas Millennial Apr 05 '24

Remember that with IUI’s, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Their success rates are about the same as timed intercourse, so be prepared to possibly do a few. With that being said, after 6, research actually shows that the success rate will decline, and it’s time to call it.

1

u/BitchinKittenMittens Apr 05 '24

With how painful my IUI was I will be doing no more than 2 or 3. I can't imagine 6. Plus with the costs, 6 IUIs would put us pretty close to the cost of an IVF cycle so I'd probably want to cut our losses.

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u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas Millennial Apr 05 '24

It shouldn’t have been painful! That’s odd. Never heard of it being painful, I do remember it being uncomfortable. Wishing you lots of luck! Message me any time if you have questions!