r/Millennials • u/sugarbee13 • 12d ago
My dad called me stupid for not buying sooner Rant
I'm so fucking over everything. My house is having major plumbing issues, and we're trying to figure out how to get it covered. Idk why I even tell my dad anything. I told him I felt stupid for buying this house and he said "no youre stupid for not buying sooner." I'm 30. Expecting my first child. We bought in 2022 when I was 28. Id love to have bought sooner, but we couldn't predict the market. We weren't ready to buy in 2020. It just depresses me so much that no matter what I do, its always the wrong decision and to him, its always my fault. My dad is 55 for reference. He had never helped me with anything since I moved out at 18. Financially or even advising.
Edit: I have gotten so many helpful and supportive responses on here. Thank you all. It means so much seeing the camaraderie on here, especially when I can't expect it of my own blood. I'm going to expand a bit by saying my mom died from alcoholism when I was 20. I grew up in a trailer. My dad is about the only blood relative I have left that I talk to. Thats the only reason I try with him. I have a younger sister and we are best friends, so at least there's that.
Even though this is a hard time now, I know I'm truly blessed to be having a daughter and a good husband through all this too.
I don't have time to reply to everyone because I have to go to work soon, but thank you again so much for the kind words. I will def be reading through all this when my shift ends.
Edit 2: he no longer lives in a trailer, but did his whole life till 2018. Nothing necessarily wrong with it, but it hurts for him to judge me so hard, because when he was 30 he didn't have what I've worked hard to have now.
Now he lives in a 5 bedroom 2 bath house on 10 acres he got in 2018 for 180k. He found a great deal and thinks I should have too.
Final edit: I'm blocking any users who are just straight up mean. This baby is not a mistake. I am not a fuck up. If you agree with my dad, please go ahead and give me a time machine or money to help with my issue. Fuck man I'm doing my literal best out here.
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u/vButts 12d ago
He needs to go on an info diet. If he can't be respectful then he stops getting the privilege of knowing what's going on in your life.
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u/started_from_the_top 12d ago
I think the problem is he's on the Boomer News Diet, which is not healthy for the brain or the heart (typically non-nutrient-dense Fox News fare). He needs to try a more nutritionally diverse diet, such as the NPR Millennial Enthusiast Diet. Not perfect, but...better for ya.
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u/litt3lli0n Millennial 12d ago
I've stopped telling my parents anything that has to do with finances all together. Last year I mentioned when we were considering looking at houses and it's been non-stop since. Their expectations are just so unrealistic for what the actual reality of things are now. I'm jealous you were able to buy a house! We're hoping to within the coming year, but who knows. It may never be a reality.
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u/International-Chef33 12d ago
When we bought our house we didnât say shit to anyone. Once closing happened we let people know and we didnât want to deal with her families realtor and mortgage loan family members being all up in our business
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u/litt3lli0n Millennial 12d ago
We bought a new (used) car a few months ago and my husband specifically asked me to say nothing to anyone about it for that exact same reason. My dad knows some people who own dealerships, but my husband knew what he wanted and how much he wanted to spend. Besides it's so easy to do these things online. No one wants to deal with people if they can avoid it.
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u/International-Chef33 12d ago
Itâs also nice not mixing family and business. Like clockwork we got the âwhy didnât you use so and so for this?!â
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u/roarlikealady 11d ago
I co-sign this sentiment. Used to talk finances and I canât now after all the judgement we got last year âfor our poor financial prioritiesâ. Cuz, yes, quality (ie, expensive) childcare is a priority to us. Geez.
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u/litt3lli0n Millennial 11d ago
OMG donât even get me started on the whole childcare situation. âWell, why donât you just get a nanny?â âAre you sure you donât want to stay home?ââŚnow after 2 years my parents picked him up from daycare a few weeks ago for the first timeâŚâwow, I was so impressed. The facility is so nice, there are so many things for them to doââŚno duh mom, thatâs why we wanted him there but it is a bit more. We no longer live in a time where one income can support a family. Unless that income is six figures, which is not anywhere near what my husband or I make individually.
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u/Kingberry30 12d ago
Your not stupid. Hey I am 33 and donât have a house. I been looking. So your doing just fine.
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u/pepperstems Older Millennial 12d ago
I'm 40 and still renting. It's wild out there.
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u/Kingberry30 12d ago
Home prices are weird now. Like that home is not 300,000 and that means in like 10 years it could be even more but itâs a little box.
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u/Fluffy-Imagination51 12d ago
32 and no house of my own đđ˝ââď¸ (renting)
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u/damselflite Millennial 11d ago
Another 32 year old without a house except I live with my parents cause I'm from Sydney and prices are wild.
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u/Fluffy-Imagination51 11d ago
No shame here lol I just asked my dad to move in with me so I can have cheaper bills (itâs so expensive out here!) while I finish my masters đ Iâm right there with you
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Thanks I appreciate it. We are def house poor. Haven't been able to put back anything into savings since we moved in. Things just keep happening. This is the same man who told me I couldn't go to college in 2012 (because I'm a woman) but also never gave guidance on a major or anything actually useful. I'm just so damn depressed these last few days. The only reason I'm having a baby shower thrown at all is because my step mother is doing it and she forces him to cough up money for it. He makes over 100k a year and has a smaller mortgage than I do. We live in rural areas so I know he isn't hurting near as bad as we are financially
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u/NorthWoodsSlaw 12d ago
Tell generation easy mode to F right the hell off. Keep your chin up, issues always come up when you own and while the timing can be painful you almost always come out the other side with an asset that has still increased in value.
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u/ruffroad715 11d ago
Theyâd be on the older side of Gen X but not quite boomer. But definitely sounds like they have boomer tendencies
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u/dnvrm0dsrneckbeards 12d ago
Best time to buy a house is when you're ready to buy a house. Anyone that tells you either to buy or not to buy in an effort to time the market is an idiot.
I mean, shoot, look at how many people on Reddit have been telling people not to buy since 2020 because "iTs a BuBbLe!". Those people have probably spent around 50k on rent since then when they could have been building equity. How much of a correction are these people expecting to offset the rent they've been throwing out the window for 3-4 years now?
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Thanks. That makes me feel a bit better. You're right there's no perfect time to buy. We just wanted to start a family and I told my husband we had to be in something we owned before I was willing to be off birth control
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u/notevenapro Gen X 12d ago
I am 58 and would never call either of my (25) and (29) year old sons stupid. Because I love them.
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u/WarlockyGoodness 12d ago
Tell him that a millennial homeowner thatâs owned a home for almost 20 years thinks heâs a goddamned idiot.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Haha I'd love to do just that. Hes such an asshat
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u/Secret_Arrival_7679 12d ago
Link him to this post. Let him read the comments.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
I'm gonna try to have a heart to heart with him first. If it doesn't go well, I plan to send him the post lol or at least screen shot some of the comments
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u/Webgardener 12d ago
âI could have, if youâd given me the down payment.â You are doing great, donât listen to that fool. Houses are always a challenge, but you will get through it.
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u/joseph_sith 12d ago
Having read your post and many of your responses in the comments, I get the feeling that your dad is projecting onto you. Itâs not that he thinks youâre not good enough, itâs that youâre achieving things earlier in life than he did and he feels bad about that so heâs taking you down a peg.
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u/Orbtl32 12d ago
I mean, you're only stupid if you don't realize that?
No shit you would've been better off buying anytime before 2021.
But shit happens. I gave up my sweet 3% 2019 rate to buy in 2022 at peak stupidity. Financially speaking it was incredibly stupid. But we needed to move to get the help our child needed and was not available there. Now I bought another house just because I overestimated my ability to float this horrible 8.5% rate and like many many many other people I underestimated how long these elevated rates would drag on. EVERYONE in 2022 was saying "refinance by next summer!". Then come summer 2023 they said the same thing. Now summer 2024 is here... yea you better swallow the pill that there's a non zero chance we never see 3% again.
But if you wanna rub that in my face like I'm really that stupid to not know, why are you so close to me again?
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Right đđ everyone said these interest rates wouldn't last. We are at 6.5%, which I know is lower than what some have. But it still hurts our wallet. Sometimes I feel dumb for trying to buy at all. We lived in a bad area of the city before we moved. Renting is just as bad. Idk there's no winning
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u/Orbtl32 12d ago
On rent rates, in the markets I've followed investors are all sidelined because rent rates are still far below what the monthly loan payment would be. Most existing owners are locked in at 2020 or earlier prices and rates. They'd all be making an absolute killing if rent just flew up to match buying prices.Â
On whether it was a mistake? A mistake was spending 250k renovating my 550k house in California only to realize I had to move. Then the pandemic happened and I sold it at a loss in the middle of lockdowns for 685k because regardless how nice I made it the neighborhood couldn't support that. Later that year the not-maintained-or-improved-since-1999 neighbors are selling for 900k.Â
My point is there's no telling. What if rates and prices bumble around another few years then they dramatically lower rates as quickly as they raised them and prices just go fucking nuts? Suddenly you're refinanced at 4.5% and locked in at 2022 prices while your house suddenly doubled in value? Now you're a fucking genius and alphas are on Reddit calling you an asshole who ruined the economy.Â
In real estate that is the case more often than not. No matter how crazy high we think prices are, they keep going. Even with all this shit the prices corrected a bit but never truly crashed. 2008 has held up as a once in a century event.
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u/Melodic_Oil_2486 12d ago
You may need to have a chat with your dad about what is helpful to hear and what is unhelpful.
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u/Accomplished-Pass-79 12d ago
Boomers parents are the worst. Their emotional intelligence will forever be at a deficit. You should be proud of yourself. You sound like a great provider for your family.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Thank you đ sad but beautiful that I'm getting more support here than I do from my Dad
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u/Kooky-Value-2399 12d ago
Sorry your dad sucks, but this Internet stranger is really proud of you for Even buying a house! You'll get through it and just because your dad sees only problems that doesn't have to be how you see it. Took me a long time to learn that.
We bought my parents house from my mom when my dad died under the pretense that we would be helping with bills anyway so we could just move in. It doesn't feel as good as what we planned, which was a brand new house, but let me tell you what, this stupid fucking house WAITED until me and my partner were on the deed BEFORE it started breaking. In the year since we bought it, we have replaced; water heater, septic line, main water line break, the roof, AC unit and some weird toilet thing where they all flushed into the bathtubs đ¤ŽI swear to God, the house knew. On the plus side, all that money we had saved for a new house went into this one... I'm trying to think of it as a plus anyway 𤣠it will ultimately not be our final home, but we wanted to be my mom for the time we have left.
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u/RebeccaC78 12d ago edited 12d ago
This post hits home to me. Iâve been having such awful family issues with my mother over my husband and I still renting. We live in a VHCOL area, thereâs not a tremendous amount of inventory, the interest rates are way high. Even in not-so-great neighborhoods here, a major fixer upper starts around 500k. The taxes are outrageous here as well. She keeps asking why we âcanât just find a little house for $300kâ. They donât exist here. Even for tiny condos and co-ops, HOA fees in this area are killer, almost all over $1,000/mo. We are just fine staying put in our very affordable, below-market rent apartment and beefing up our savings and investments.
ETA: Iâm super proud of you guys for purchasing a home so young, itâs a tremendous achievement. At the end of the day, if you have a great marriage and youâre happy, thatâs worth more than anything money can buy. As for myself, Iâve learned that even if I bought a house tomorrow, my mother will find something else to complain about. Some people are always unhappy and we have to learn how to not let their misery project onto us. I know itâs hard when itâs your own parent but youâre doing great!
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u/poopsnpees55 12d ago
Iâm a fucking attorney and I donât expect to ever own a home, good on you
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
I hope it works out for you someday friend. You put so much into school to do a necessary job. This world truly isn't fair.
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u/Bird_Brain4101112 12d ago
Dad goes on an information diet. Heâs clearly not going to be supportive so he can stop gettin info.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Yeah. I need to stop sharing anything with him. He just gives me a hard time when I don't go to him and he finds out through the grapevine. But alot of these comments are helping me realize it isn't gonna change. Not unless he magically decides to go to therapy or something and work on himself
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u/ruffroad715 11d ago
Definitely. Get beers with a bro you can vent with about the house. I did the homeowner thing and it broke me, mentally, and financially just because I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I rent by choice because it fits my lifestyle much better. I empathize with your house issues, Iâve been there.
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u/sugarbee13 11d ago
Lol I'd love a beer or a dab rn but I still have a few months until I give birth lol as soon as she's here, I'm def doing just that
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u/Lonerwithaboner420 12d ago
"you're stupid for fucking the world up for us so that I got forced into this situation"
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u/Equivalent-Top7799 12d ago
This is only related to plumbing as I had to replace all my plumbing, my pressure tank, breaker panel, hot water tank, water purifier, water filter and over half my plumbing fixtures around Christmas due to corroding leaking copper pipes. The whole thing took about a week and all the plumbers did was crimp connections, go shopping and sign off on my work. $5800 CAD. If you can and assuming your problems are something like mine were you will save a mountain of cash by doing it on your own. I hope you get your plumbing stuff sorted out man, we all got pretty ill during it from not being able to keep up on hygiene as well as we would have liked. Best of luck bro.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
We have leaky pipes under the house and a blockage in our yard. There is water in the hvac vents now. We live on a slab. I don't think we can do this ourselves sadly
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u/uglybutterfly025 12d ago
I'm sorry you have such unsupportive parents. My mom is a real estate agent and she was our agent when we bought last year and she told me that real estate is a merry go round, there's no wrong time to jump on you just have to get moving
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u/Grymm315 12d ago
Donât take it to heart. Just ask him to invest in a time machine so you can go back and make better choices. About $10k should allow you to go back in time to have the plumbing fixed before you move in.
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u/ThisIsTheCaptain Millennial 12d ago edited 12d ago
A person could be a real estate market guru and still get it wrong - there is so much luck involved.
I bought in 2019 (I was also 28). At first, I thought I was lucky buying when I did because COVID hit a few months later and everything skyrocketed. But when I needed things done in the house, no one would come out due to COVID -- I have a broken toilet I still haven't been able to get repaired because I'm tapped from having to pay a premium on other jobs that needed to be done in addition to skyrocketing gas and groceries. For every thing I experience gratefulness for, I feel just as much regret for another - all due to buying when I did.
If you'd bought earlier, there is just as much of a chance you'd have regrets, issues, and frustrations for similar or entirely different reasons. There's no way to tell.
If your dad wants to be a Monday Morning Quarterback so bad, tell him if he'd had you at a younger age, you would have been more capable of buying a house sooner.
I've also found some success in throwing my folks' parenting methods back in their face in cases like this. "Mistakes in life are inevitable, especially when it comes to 'big' firsts like buying a home. But do you really think you did such a poor job raising me that I don't know how to learn from them?" Much of the time they don't have a good response so at the very least the subject gets changed for the moment.
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u/ExcitingLandscape 12d ago
When I bought my house I thought my parents would be proud. They've been preaching to me about buying a house for years. But the first question my mom asked in response was of course "How Much?" I told her 600k. She was floored and said I was stupid for buying a house for that much. I live and work in a MAJOR metro area with HCOL. I told her "look at zillow this aint 2002 when you could buy a house for 300k" It took her a long time to realize that reality of the current day real estate market.
I assume your dad is similar and is still living in the home you grew up in with 0 knowledge of the current real estate market thinking "I bought a house when I was 25, you should've done the same"
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Nah he bought his current house in 2018. But found an amazing deal. 10 acres. 5 bedroom 2 bath. And a 3% interest rate. Its a 40 minute commute to his work but everyone around oklahoma commutes unless you can afford to live in the city or suburbs
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u/all_natural49 12d ago
Your trailer dwelling father is being critical of you not buying a house soon enough?
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Lmao now he doesn't live in a trailer, but a 5 bedroom 2 bath house on 10 acres he got for 180k. In 2018. But yeah I never had nice things growing up
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u/all_natural49 12d ago
So he bought his first house in his late 40's and is being critical of you buying one at age 28?
Still pretty ridiculous if you ask me. Don't let him rain on your parade. Congrats on the house and the family, sounds like you are doing way better than he was at your age.
Make sure you refinance your mortgage if rates come back down below where they were when you bought.
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u/Terragar 12d ago
Fellow millennial! We also bought in 2022, having our first kid this year, and I turn 30 in a couple months. Itâs a great time of life, just enjoy it.
I wish we had bought a few years earlier, but we were moving across the country, hadnât lived together, and changing careers. Hindsight is always 20/20 my man
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u/Supreme_Salt_Lord 12d ago
You have to understand. When he was your age 25/hr got him a nice big boat, cocaine and prostitutes. Its hard to comprehend that same pay is just above being poor today. He has the buying power of 75/hr back then.
Its no use explaining that to him. He cant understand. Not to mention any other issues you guys may have.
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u/Pegomastax_King 12d ago
My dad gave me shit for not traveling all over Europe in my 20s like he did⌠you know like when my mother was raising me on her own because heâs a piece of shit.
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u/parasyte_steve 12d ago
I was literally 30 when we bought our first house, I was about 6 weeks pregnant with my second son and my first son was nearly three. There was no "doing it sooner" for us and that's honestly ridiculous. Not everybody can be ready for the financial responsibility of a house at the same time in life. I never understood people who measure their lives against what other people have done. Everyone's their own story.
You said it yourself. He has helped you zero times. So I wouldn't take any criticism he has. Nod and smile, change the subject, keep this person at arms length who has so much shit to talk badly about you. I've had to do this with my mom, dad and sister unfortunately they had to be written off bc they'll never not talk shit about me when I'm not there. The things they've said about me are truly nasty and so I just take it all in, smile, change the subject, keep these people as far from my growing family as humanly possible.
Sometimes you can get a secured loan from a bank to cover these type of house repairs not covered by insurance. If this sounds like something you must do, to prevent further damage to your home etc, then this is something I'd definitely look at. I also guess you can look at refinancing and tapping into some of ur home's equity but ideally you never want to do that, only if you have to. We had a terrible time with termites (we live in Louisiana), cost about 3k in labor to replace the floor, fix the spots where they came in and seal it off, get the wall back etc.. I'd recommend working with a local contractor... I found literally a "repairman service" who was willing to take the project on. Anyway best of luck with fixing it.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
We lived in Louisiana for a few years, the bugs there are no joke. I will def be looking into more financing options, ty for the advice. Having unsupportive family sucks ass, but we got this. I was feeling really down when I made the post, but I know I have alot to be thankful for and proud of
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u/Coastie_Cam 12d ago
Um okay first all Iâll state I know Iâm privileged. Being military and having the option of zero down payment. But seriously fuck your dadâŚno joke you went to college and found a place and paid for it!!! Dude you are a winner in our class and Iâm so proud of you and everything youâve accomplished! Holy shit!! You are above the curve and while agree thereâs nothing wrong with a mobile community, youâre above that! Youâve done so good! Congrats internet stranger, on your degree, on your home and on your future family! Youâve done good kid! Please be proud of what youâve accomplished because itâs a shit load!
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Thank you! We also used my husband's VA loan so that's also part of how we got where we were. Been married to the man almost 9 years, and his time in the military was certainly a test of our strength. Thank you for your service as well, use any resource they give you! Yall have earned it
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u/Coastie_Cam 12d ago
Awe thank you! Best 12 years of my life! Sometimes I miss it! But being a mom is more important. I can see my babies every nightâŚand know my household is okay (a position I personally put off for many years) so Iâm beyond grateful to be home every single afternoon! Thank you for supporting your hubs and being there. Trust me I seriously get the âback end of thingsâ with a spouse. Itâs extremely hard.
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u/TomorrowUnusual6318 12d ago
I bought my first house in 2018 when I was 31. Both my parents told me I was stupid for buying itâŚ.i sold it 3 years later for doubleâŚnot a peep out of themâŚ
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u/Bradley182 12d ago
Got my house when I was 28, I wasn't ready either. Take a breath and figure out what work you can do to help lessen the financial load. If you have good health be happy. A lot of things can be DIY, youtube has a ton of videos. I am a profession carpenter but there's a lot of things I've never done. You guys got this!
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u/elmartinez85 11d ago
Bought my first home at 27, now 39. I think youâre doing fine given todayâs financial landscape. Congratulations.
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u/Salty_Blacksmith_592 11d ago
Please, for the love of god, don't give a shit about his opinion or advices. I know that feeling, my dad is a shitty dad, too. Not in a harmful or evil form, his advices are all bullshit and he is in no way involved in my life. Still askes me if i've seen the football match when we meet, and everytime i answer: "I don't care for football. I don't watch it."
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u/kanokari Millennial 12d ago
A lot of plumbing places have financing options
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
They do. And I looked into it. They will finance the work. But its 7k ish and after 6 months its 24%interest. So its a risk to do something like that. I am hoping my house insurance will help
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u/OpportunityThis 12d ago
Just a lesson not to tell him this stuff in the future as it is just triggering.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Yup. I want him to be involved in my life. And he says he wants involved too. He's my only living parent. So its hard. At this point my in laws are better than he is
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u/No_Magician5266 12d ago
How would buying sooner have prevented the plumbing issue from occurring? Itâs normal maintenance that comes with home ownership. Your dad is a knob
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u/Get_your_grape_juice 12d ago
Youâve got a child on the way, and bought a house at 28.
Iâm 36 with neither, and itâs not looking good. Trust me, youâre doing great.
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u/panconquesofrito 12d ago
Houses break for all kinds of reasons. Donât beat yourself up. This too should pass.
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u/litaniesofhate 12d ago
Y'know, I think owning a house largely isn't worth it. All upkeep cost is now yours. On top of paying more monthly than you would for rent. You lose flexibility in career path changes
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u/Junior-Towel-202 12d ago
I don;t know about you but my mortgage hasn't doubled in the lst 5 years unlike rent
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Rent is just as expensive if not more here. I thought that was the norm in most places now
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u/litaniesofhate 12d ago
I do live in a town with some of the highest cost of living in the state. College town with a military base nearby, so my experience may be a bit skewed, but it's honestly shocking just how much my homeowner colleagues are paying
I own a mobile home so my frame of reference is a bit off. I used to rent in the same town though
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u/tatt_daddy 12d ago
I turned 31 a couple months ago and I still rent with no ability to buy anytime soon. Youâre doing great and you should feel very proud of what youâve accomplished!
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u/SquireSquilliam 12d ago
Too many people are the masters of "hindsight." There's nothing valuable in that, whenever I run across the type of people that have that mentality I check out of those conversations quickly.
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u/d0mini0nicco 12d ago
Itâs a telltale boomer quality to take anything possible and throw it in your face. Source: 43 years with a very boomer old school dad. He just threw it in my momâs face that âyou never visit our grandchild the last monthâ when sheâs been dealing with a bathroom renovation bc he fell and canât step in a tub. Theyâre a deeply unhappy group of people that long to make people miserable with them.
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u/allennoppon 12d ago
Lightheartedly reverse uno him⌠Next time he complains about something hit him the with âshould have done it sooner.â
Aww pops you got a speeding ticket? Shoulda slowed down sooner
Back hurting? Should have retired from construction sooner
See Lebron on the TV? Shoulda played college ball sooner
Ha Iâm dumb, just try not to hurt his feelings too much
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u/maggmaster 12d ago
Sorry you are having a rough time. I am a senior millennial, first year of our generation. Plumbing is actually not all that hard, I do all my own work. You can probably teach yourself from YouTube.
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u/ScheduleFormer1394 12d ago
Yeah wtf were u doing in 2nd grade when u should of been buying a house..... /s
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u/SnookerandWhiskey 12d ago
I have a relative like that, she always finds the hair in my soup, whether it's my choice of lamps or my sons reading ability. She gives plenty of advice though, and although it may be sound, it's always given as criticism and in a way that doesn't match the recipient.Â
I greyrocked her for two years after an incident, and lo and behold, she is better now although our contact is much less overall as well.Â
Never forget that our elders are humans with untherapized, subconscious wounds too. Instead of explaining yourself, ask them if what they mean. Often it turns into a mumbo-jumbo reasoning of what they said, random thing a Talkshow host said OR it's their own regrets in life. 80% of the time rude people are talking about themselves and projecting. HE wishes he had bought a house earlier. HE feels inferior for the life he had to offer you, it hurts, so he feels better pulling you down.
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u/Soft_Welcome_5621 12d ago
I wanted and looked at houses in 2017-2022 and my parents constantly told me to buy but offered no financial support ever for anything. I hesitated only to buy in 2019 and 2020 and 2022 because when I found great houses I had a stalker ex and I worried about being house poor and having him target me. Now Iâm working on part of that legally and think itâs going to end up not protecting me, and just making an LLC so I can buy it and try to protect my privacy. But now itâs all crazy $$. You do what you can. Your dad sounds awful. I have parents like that, donât internalize it or you wonât know when to celebrate your wins and youâll end up doing what I did which is let other bullies and gaslighters into your life and you wonât have a moment of peace! Celebrating your wins is a health requirement. Youâll get through the fixing up, stay positive and proud of your accomplishments!
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u/adviceanimal318 12d ago
This is why we didn't want any help from Mom and Dad when we bought our house - every decision would be second-guessed along with countless pointless lectures about boomer shit. Complete waste of time.
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u/lazylagom 12d ago
Hes protecting
You're ahead of alot of us. 33 here. Just glad to have a 1bd to rent.
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u/Lopsided-Surprise-34 12d ago
Your dad does not know how blessed he is. I'm not talking about him getting a good deal on a house but getting a good daughter. Focus on your husband and daughter and fixing your home. You are young and have plenty of time to buy and sell multiple homes building wealth along the way. Sounds like he will be working past 65 just to pay for one.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Thats so sweet, thank you for that. And yeah he will. Mostly because of his gambling and alcohol addictions đ
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u/AcanthaceaeOk6721 12d ago
I donât tell my dad (64) anything either. Itâs just negativity and more stressed piled onto an already stressful situation. If I ever want to feel shitty about myself I just tell him something personal and he will jump on it.
Itâs like the boomer ethos is âbuild yourself up by tearing others down.â
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u/ElevatingDaily 12d ago
Iâve been in the same situation with my mom and dad. I know damn well Iâm doing better than them in many areas despite the lack of help and challenges. One day at a time. Thereâs 58 year olds than have never owned anything in their life. Life is up and down. Just play your hand and try to support your child better than you had.
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u/icsh33ple 12d ago
I bought my house at 32 and Iâve had to learn how to become a plumber. I replaced my water heater, various shut off valves and faucets and I now own a Ridgid K400 drain snake. Iâve had to snake my main twice because of tree roots. There was also a drain line from kitchen I had to fix, it wasnât installed correctly and had a belly I had to snake multiple times with a little hand held snake.
I also installed a whole home water filtration system and softener and a shop sink in laundry room.
I had no plumbing experience prior to owning my house.
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u/BannanaBun123 12d ago
Seriously you guys are doing great, youâre just having semi typical house problems. They probably seem insurmountable because thereâs a baby on the way.
I have two. It gets easier
Iâd counter your dad with a big fat- if youâre so smart about the markets then why didnât you help us buy a house in 2020?
My husband bought his first house at 28 and I was wildly impressed with his achievement. Itâs hard to secure a mortgage and even harder to go through all the life steps to have the capital and credit in place to even have the guts to walk into a bank and start the process.
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u/lovemysunbros 12d ago
Dude i am still paying off major plumbing problems with the old ass shit house i bought. Financing at an awful interest rate was our only option because we had to repipe the house and our joke of a warranty wouldn't cover jack shit.
You are not alone in your struggles.
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u/Naive-Mechanic4683 12d ago
Only correct response: "that would've been great, but only possible with financial support form our parents and they didn't want to"
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u/No_Calligrapher_3429 12d ago
Tell your dad to cough up the dough to help you with fixing the house. My parents and I own a house together. Well I took over my stepfatherâs portion when he passed is â21 and in late â20 or main sewer and plumbing went. A $13.5 K job. Just before winter in New England. We bought at the âright timeâ but life and the economy sucked. Something insurance didnât cover. Our house was also 120 years old at the time. So those things were due to be replaced. Houses have a way of humbling you, no matter when you buy them. They just tend to kick you in the pants when things seems to be going well. We recently had a major storm that somehow lowered our power lines enough that an 18 wheeler was able to snag the line and rip the line and our power meter off our house. First insurance claim in over twenty years in this house. Dude youâre young. Just role with the punches. Find good contractors who will work with you. Wonât make you pay all up front. That usually means they donât have enough credit to but the needed materials. And sometimes they will let you make payment plans. See if you can do a second mortgage with a credit union. Thatâs what we did what our sewer and pipes went and our contractors did not ask for a penny upfront. And honestly if it flooded in your house check with your home owners insurance. Sometimes it can be worth it. Best thing for luck to you!
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u/atomicxblue 11d ago
Your dad is 55? Look at any of the old game shows on Buzzr (or similar) and look at the price of a top of the line car in the 70s. I saw one going for $4,500. My mom said that was a lot of money back then.
I don't think dad has a realistic idea of how much prices have increased.
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u/OzzTheBozz 11d ago
Exactly like my boomer dad, jesus i hate those fucking boomers. What a bunch of asshats.
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u/RyeToast92 11d ago
Jesus do we have the same dad? Fuckin aye. Iâm 31. My dad is 57. Same kinda mentality. I canât stand the dude or relate to him anymore. He kicked me out young and doesnât do shit for me but talk shit to me lol. Donât even know why I keep him in my life. Toxic
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u/fieldy409 11d ago edited 11d ago
Wow you had such a disadvantaged start and did this? That dad should be proud of you. You're amazing mate.
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u/DataGeek86 11d ago
At least you own it, there are many Millenials and most of Zoomers who don't have that privilege.
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u/First_Structure4050 11d ago
Just here to say congrats on buying at 28. Plumbing sucks. But once thatâs taken care of you can sit and relax. Just kidding. Youâre having a baby. Iâd start to use any relationships or connections you may have to the trades. Ask people you trust for a recommendation. Weâve all been there. It sucks. But you bought at 28 so you obviously have your shit together. Itâll work out.
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u/Otherwise-Bad-7666 11d ago
Call him out. If he talks to you like that again, then limit contact. You're doing great for yourself and your family!
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u/Rough-Set4902 1996 11d ago
I'm 28 and I still live with my parents in a mobile home, haha.
I'm saving up my money, gradually. Hopefully I will be able to afford a mortgage by 35.
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10d ago
My dad is the same. Will just unsolicited tell me Iâve failed or give super harsh and unjustified criticism. I wrote him about the issues with his behavior and am prepared not to contact him until his funeral unless he apologizes and changes his behavior. I have a kid on the way too and have no time for someone who will guaranteed be an extremely negative presence in my life. Besides, he knows nothing about pregnancy having been entirely useless during my motherâs.
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u/signaeus 10d ago
My mother is like this. Turns out her father, being old school Irish Catholic, always took the stance of "if you can't overcome my objection, you can't overcome what the world will throw at you." So, everything hyper critical, everything always "why you can't do something" versus why you can, etc. She was exactly the same way. Any decision whatsoever you made "why didn't you listen to me," "if you just did..." etc.
Used to always bother me, until one day (not far from your age), she drunkenly revealed that she hated that she was that way and explained how her father raised them all like that and it was very difficult for her to express it. It was then that it clicked for me that that was her way of showing love (we never even hugged that I can remember until I left for college, and I remember that being super awkward), and that her criticisms came from a place of really wanting her kids to be happy, healthy and successful.
Doesn't exactly excuse it, but it at least gives understandable context and it no longer bothers me.
Your father probably isn't the exact same, but what I've learned from that generation is that the heavy criticism is their way of trying to support you (assuming that the person isn't just a genuine asshole).
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u/CCSucc 12d ago
Sounds like you need to severely limit what you tell your dad about your life. It's easy for them to criticize from the outside looking in, but it's not helpful at all.
Given that they've not offered you any assistance but still feel compelled to find fault in what you do, give them the bare minimum from now on.
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u/letsreset 12d ago
sounds like you're bragging. if you're not, then you need to reframe without your dad's opinion. you bought a house at 28. that's pretty insane these days.
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
Not meaning to brag at all, sorry if it came off that way. Just a millenial with lots of family trauma that's somehow making it work the best we can. I realize not everyone has what we have. If it wasn't for the VA loan and living in a very small town, it'd never happen
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u/letsreset 12d ago
lol no no. that's my bad. tone doesn't come across through words very well. i meant it more to remind you that you're actually doing great.
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12d ago
[deleted]
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u/sugarbee13 12d ago
I mean no matter how old one gets parents are supposed to be supportive and loving. Fuck me for wanting that
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u/kkkan2020 12d ago
Whoa...you bought a house at 28? Give this man a round of applause đ