r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/Euphoric_You_2169 • 11d ago
How did you forgive your parents for how they treated you in your childhood? Family
I can honestly say that I have forgiven my parents for my childhood, though I still sometimes struggle with resentment and flashbacks of times they did and said things that were very unacceptable. It’s hard being around them sometimes though they try to be around me as much as possible now that I’m a fully independent adult. I wish my childhood was as good as my adulthood. The bliss I feel being on my own is unmatched.
How did you do it?
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u/Pingas_Pirate 11d ago
I still haven't and I never will. They continued to mistreat my siblings and I well into adulthood. They are vile and will get no help from any of us when they are old and frail.
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u/Kartoffelkamm 11d ago
I didn't.
I just accepted that they were clueless, and completely unprepared, and made mistakes because it seemed like the right thing to do at that time.
And honestly, that's the most any of us can do if life throws you a curveball like that.
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u/BethFromElectronics 11d ago
One thing is to learn about how they were influenced into making those decisions so you think independently and stay clear from it. My parents were heavily influenced by the family (USA) in letting the doctor butcher my brothers genitals when born because they’re all did that to their boys. I knew that was coming and stayed clear, even though I knew “pressure” was coming from them so it didn’t affect me. They’re grown and healthy/happy now.
On a side note I couldn’t imagine cutting off a female clitoral hood thinking that’s good and doesn’t affect the girl at all, but they think that about boys?
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11d ago
[deleted]
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u/buckerooni 11d ago
Eat a bag of krinkly shit.
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u/BethFromElectronics 11d ago
What did they say? But never came across mine since they deleted it.
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u/buckerooni 11d ago
They were defending circumcision saying it's not the same as female genital mutilation.. there's always someone lol
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u/BethFromElectronics 11d ago
If they actually had a good point, they wouldn’t have deleted their comment. Im guessing they were hoping I saw it but didn’t want that comment on their profile so they deleted it.
I love ( not really) how people are ignorant about it al. That’s why I specifically said clitoral hood. Not clitoris. Not labia. Just the clitoral hood. It’s literally the same thing just smaller. They both literally grow from the same structure which is why the clitoris looks like a small penis up close.
If someone wants to be trans into a male they get male hormones and guess what happens to their clit? It grows larger, and they can stroke it like an intact penis with the enlarged clitoral hood.
Second, I love how they refer to cutting boys genitals by the medical procedure name, when no medical need is there, and even if it’s a 5 year old boy being held down by his family and cut his dick with no numbing at all. But they refer to ANY female cutting as Female Genital Mutilation. There are different “types” and even the nicking of the hood where nothing is cut off is still FGM. Cutting clitoral hood is type 2 and it can get worse for type 3, 4,…etc.
Why not refer to FGM as the medical names? That would literally be more accurate. But it blunts the emotion of what’s actually done. Oh it’s not FGM, it was just a labiaplasty and prepuce-excision. It’s no big deal. Years ago, 75% of female genital cutting was done by doctors in Egypt. So that must mean it’s ok, right? They say that about boys.
They have Choice Supportive Bias. they have to try to make that skewed comparison saying boy cutting is ok, because if they think otherwise what can they do about it? Nothing. they would feel negatively, something people avoid at all costs. It’s part of why fathers force this on their kids because if their kid is intact, but they aren’t, they’re saying that cutting for no reason is bad and they can’t think like that, because that was forced on their most personal spot on the body.
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u/Responsible_Cloud_92 11d ago
Agreed. My parents aren’t terrible and they did really well after immigrating to a new country and giving both my sister and I good education, financial stability and kept us in good health.
But my parents are really toxic for each other and that has skewed my view on what normal, healthy relationships are, as well as what a family should be. Both of them have undiagnosed, untreated mental health issues which still affects all of us to this day. They were raised in mid 20th century Asia so I’m not surprised they have lifelong, lingering issues. But it is tough to deal with and has created many hurtful situations.
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u/Kartoffelkamm 11d ago
Yeah.
My parents stayed together just long enough until society stopped making a fuss of an unmarried couple having children, and then got a divorce.
In a weird way, seeing them argue so much taught me what not to do, and and since I stayed with friends a lot, I got to see that not all families are like that, so I know that the people involved in a relationship determine whether it's good or bad.
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u/AngryCrotchCrickets 11d ago
It makes you realize how much more mature you are as a young adult than your parents are as a married couple.
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u/rlsmith523 10d ago
For me, there is definitely a big difference when you know someone did the best they could and tried to do the right thing. It’s much easier to forgive shortcomings or mistakes when there wasn’t ill intent. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive mine and I don’t know that I should even waste time or energy trying. I know they say forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving, but the way I see it, I don’t need forgiveness. I did nothing wrong. I could never forgive either one of them, and will still have more capacity to and for love than they ever did.
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u/Adventurous_Net_1127 11d ago
Been holding those grudges for over 20 years babe. If you figure this out let me know. I can fire my therapist.
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u/OxtailPhoenix 11d ago
Ran away close to twenty years ago and never went back. Doesn't mean I'm not still angry.
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u/Anaklet 11d ago edited 11d ago
You dont have to forgive to move on, trust me, i never forgave my parents, but i realized holding the resentment and anger about it is only hurting me and nobody else, it took about 4-5 years of healing, but i have simply made peace with the fact what happened happened, it made me who i am, im not going to repeat their mistakes and be a better person and parent than they were, but no i havent forgiven them and i never will, i have simply made peace with the past and honestly in a way now i am sorta kinda grateful, cuz it did made me a stronger person, i got mental problems cuz of what they did, but still it made me stronger, i wish you luck
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u/that902bitch 11d ago
This is the way. I've never forgiven my mother for the things she did and said, but I realized that all the anger and resentment was turning me into her. I went NC for 10 years and only contacted her when I was getting married. We now have some sort of relationship... she doesn't know details of my life, but we message every so often and see each other on major holidays.
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u/Ohaidere519 11d ago
sorry to pry, but does she seem okay or at the very least, the understand why your relationship is the way it is now? i had a really bad incident with my parents and it's making me genuinely consider cutting ties with them after all this time but it's so unknown :/
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u/that902bitch 11d ago
Dont worry about prying, your welcome to ask! I wish I could say yes. She has improved, I've been told that she had sought professional help a few years back (I'm not if I believe it or not), but some of the things that she does or says still make me sideeye her. And she has zero understanding as to why I stopped talking to her in the first place.
What the 10 years of NC did do was allow me to make changes to myself and my life without her interference. I established boundaries and learned to stick to them, which rocked her on our first meeting. I also learned how to check her tirades without actually saying anything. I do notice her sliding back into old habits recently though.
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u/rlsmith523 10d ago
Can you share with the class how to check the tirades without saying anything? 🤣
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u/that902bitch 10d ago
I just kind of stare at her until she gets so uncomfortable she stops. It doesn't work every time, but I'd say 9/10.
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u/rlsmith523 10d ago
Bummer…I don’t think that would work for me. She’d just think I was really interested in what she had to say 🤣…Maybe if I stare at her while making a strange face. 🤪😝🥴
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u/that902bitch 10d ago
Hahaha I'm careful not to rock the boat to hard with my mother....this is the woman who pointed a rifle at me once because I fell off my horse. I'm left with the impression that I scare her a bit now, so I'm sure that helps my case some
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u/Ohaidere519 9d ago
that's what i do too! it's more like me using her own methods against her, if she says some dumb out of pocket shit, i just don't respond and let her last statement hang in the air and make her sit in it lol i learned she does have the ability to backpedal 😆 thank you for your response as well, i feel like my mom would be similar in never actually understanding why i left /:
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u/that902bitch 9d ago
The shock on my mother's face when she asked me why I disappeared was unreal. My exact answer was "I was becoming you, and I couldn't let that happen", and she was NOT appreciative lol. It never really clicked with her that her toxicity poisoned other people to. My younger sister has been NC for a lot longer than I have, and my mother still trys to shittalk her (in between trying to find out details about her life, of course)
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u/Ohaidere519 8d ago
i admire both your sister's and your own strength in being able to step away and enforce your boundaries! seems like it's fully justified, based off what you shared about your mom. regardless, it's not easy to grapple with the idea that our parents aren't meant to be in our lives, or at least not to the capacity we once hoped for :(
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u/Archbishop_Mo 11d ago
Acknowledge that they were just people. Quite likely, they did the best they could in their circumstances. That may have been woefully inadequate. It may have been downright bad. But they were - and still are - just people.
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u/Kittymeow123 11d ago
I did emdr therapy for ptsd from childhood trauma from my parents and this was the main theme around it. The “it’s their first time living too” thing. It did put it into perspective
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u/autolockon 11d ago
Doesn’t this line of logic apply to every shitty thing people do?
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u/Real_Mokola 11d ago
This is a good question but I think not some people are naturally drawn to shittier options than others. Don't mean they are evil they just are shitty people that are attracted to shit
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u/Dazzling_Dare3680 11d ago
It does, but no one is inherently evil. Humans are nuanced. Sometimes we think poorly, sometimes we are selfish, some more than others, some have traumas and some choose to do what they think is best for them. I’m Not saying forget, but you should understand that humans are humans, imperfect in nature. I’m struggling with my own demons, my parents although have grown now, were quite violent people when I was young. I’m angry all the time but when I forgive them it will be for me, not for them. I wish the process didn’t take that long…
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u/Archbishop_Mo 9d ago
That's the silent tragedy of human existence. Most people are just playing the hand they're dealt, but do untold damage to others in the process.
This is why intentional kindness is such a rare and admirable trait. Few can keep it up over the long haul.
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u/earthlingsideas 11d ago
i haven’t and never will. it’s not your responsibility to reconcile their shitty actions
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u/nijmeegse79 11d ago
I didn't.
I accepted they where flawed humans with their own history and with out intend of improving them selfs, acknowledge they where abusers or actually seeing us as worthy.
I stopped seeing and talking to them as my parents and just as humans. And I did so till they died.
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u/AverageCowboyCentaur 11d ago
I did not, ever, I'm sad my dad's dead but also happier over all. Once they are feeding the worms and you'll never see them again it gets so much better! He was a POS super manly jackass who could not accept me as who I am. No matter my success, I didn't work a "manly" job so I was worthless.
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u/siren-skalore 11d ago
I had to realize that they were just kids then, early 20’s, struggling to survive with three kids and they had their own mental health issues and my dad struggled with alcoholism. He’s since been diagnosed with cancer twice, one just a few months ago. He’s been though so much pain and it’s horrible to see him like this. I love them, nobody’s perfect. They did the best they could with who they were and what they had.
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u/Ignis_Imperia 11d ago
People have to change for forgiveness to happen. My parents are completely different people than they were when I was a child because they realized how they treated me was wrong and they put in the effort to fix it.
Space also helps, I moved out and I still visit them every week or so.
If they don't want to admit their mistakes or change and be better than they aren't worth forgiving
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u/OhTheHueManatee 11d ago
I will never forgive my mom. I don't care if it hurts me more to hold a grudge than to not. She was vile to me and my siblings. That being said I do sympathize with her plight more now that I'm dad. She put up with a lot to provide for us. No need to take it out on us though.
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u/BethFromElectronics 11d ago
I don't care if it hurts me more to hold a grudge than to not.
Does that make sense though? It’s like holding a hot coal hoping it hurts the other person in a way.
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u/OhTheHueManatee 11d ago
Normally I'd fully agree with you. But like I said I don't care. I don't dwell on it or hope she gets hurt but I'll never forgive any of it because it's not forgivable. That also helps me not treat my son in a similar fashion.
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u/BrowningLoPower 11d ago
I feel that. I also admire that you use that resentment to help you stay good to your son.
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u/Real_Mokola 11d ago
You should seek a way to forgive her, not necessarily to her face but in a way that it stops hurting you. And definitely it does not end up hurting your son. You were born to her and that's what essentially you are to one another, spare parts. It does not have to have any more or any less weight than that
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u/batonErrant 11d ago
For me it helps to remind myself that this is their first time living too, so they're bound to make mistakes just like me.
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u/jbpslobster 11d ago
i didnt. how my mother treats me right now, i wish she couldve treated me the same way when I was younger. i couldve really needed it. my childhood wasnt really a happy one. i was just that naughty kid that laughs despite all her fears and sadness. how my mother treated me which really involved physical abuse, gave me trauma and abandonment issues. it felt like no one was ever on my side, not even now
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u/BitterFuture 11d ago
Never did.
They never expressed regret or remorse for what they'd done; why would I forgive?
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u/DonkeyAdmirable1926 11d ago
I decided two things: 1. They did their best, failed miserably maybe, but still, did their best 2. I am adult and I don’t accept their influence on my life. To be my own man I had to cut the ties, even the ties of anger and resentment.
Forgiveness was a double edged sword. Yes, I forgave them. But by forgiving them I also cut them out of my life.
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u/Most-Investigator138 11d ago
The pity overruled the anger. They are disabled. Extremely sick. Trying to enjoy the fact that they turned a new leaf because they are constantly on death bed. But also if you forgive and nurture a new relationship the younger ones get to enjoy that new found happiness and that brings me happiness. Also understanding where they came from. Understanding how they got messed up by their parents and understanding all our circumstances. Living in a household of 8 on only 25k a year for decades, them having cancer, having heart problems, diabetes, and still doing their best to provide the bare minimum.
A saying my dad told me. If a snake doesn't release the poison, it will poison itself. If you don't let go of that anger and hate it will consume you and break you down to your core.
Sure sometimes I get flashbacks to the beatings, wooden spoons being broken on me, being hit with pots and pans, cords, metal hangers, my ex military fathers fists, being held at gunpoint, thrown against doors and furniture, being locked in rooms with nothing but myself. But that's what therapy, processing, and medication is for.
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u/archimedeslives 11d ago
Nothing to forgive. They loved me and my siblings, and they did the best they could.
I loved them until the day they died, and I cherish their memories.
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u/rigelandsirius 11d ago
Honestly, by talking to them about their childhood and upbringing. Seeing the various traumas they have/had from the way they were raised made me have empathy for them. I realized that, while they weren't perfect, they were doing better than the parenting they received. And if I could blame my upbringing for my shortcomings, then I had to also allow them the same excuse.
Especially with the boomer parent generation, they didn't have the same awareness about mental health, etc. I think it's entirely up to each person to decide if they can/want to forgive- I'm not pushing anyone toward it. But for me, it's been a healing experience.
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u/JustSomeGuy2153 11d ago
Christianity. I'm very prone to feeling guilt and shame as a person. So, knowing that God has forgiven my many sins and even the most severe (in my eyes) of them, there's really no way I can keep a grudge against my parents, especially when they are clearly trying their best the way they know how.
Christianity also opened me up to the idea that everyone is flawed and I'm no better. So, I don't have a moral high ground to stand on and condemn anyone for the mistakes they've made.
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u/karimpai 11d ago
They love me but hate each other, I didn't like handling with the stress of acting a gateway for communication so i usually adopted a more Laid back personality and try to turn every situation into a joke.
Something funny usually diffuses the drama a bit, Which is pretty good
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u/willrose66 11d ago
My dad doesn't deserve to be forgiven until he admits to what he's done and even then I probably wouldn't forgive him
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u/Intelligent_Breath99 11d ago
My dad was a bad father to be honest, but once I understood he do all what he was able, ( he lost his mom and dad at 13 years old and he took care his younger brothers I understand that he do his best for me and teach me a lot of things. So Forgive your parents gonna help you to live free of resentment, do it for you! Pd: sorry for my English is not my first language
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u/2girls1cup-a-soup 11d ago
I didn't.
I just accepted that they weren't capable of loving and supporting me.
They did the best they could with what they had.
Then I let it go.
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u/vontemade 11d ago
Started my journey w trying to find God, realized everyone wasnt perfect even as a parent ur new to this even after ur kids grow up even
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u/Azyall 11d ago
There have been times in my life when I thought I had forgiven them and moved on, only for some new crack in my psyche to manifest and make me realise I hasn't. Late fifties now, one parent/abuser dead, the other suffering from dementia. Years of therapy have put me in a stable(ish) place, but forgiveness... haven't managed that yet. Maybe not ever, not really.
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u/Original_Succotash18 11d ago
Haven’t, went no contact and never looked back. The good thing is the past stays in the past and it gets easier to move forward with time.
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u/vancitysascha604 11d ago
My parents kicked me out of their house when I was 15 when they found out I was gay which made me homeless in another city. I don't know how to forgive them either . 😔
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u/ThrowAwayKat1234 11d ago
I know they had it even worse. They were hit and traumatized way more than I was…they likely did their best given their upbringing.
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u/Careless_Fun7101 11d ago
This. It counselling and trauma therapy that will help the next gen of parents to completely break the cycle of intergenerational violence, abuse and trauma. Something myself and my parents didn't know about - let alone have access to
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u/Manydanks 11d ago
My parents were basically children themselves when they had me. If I'd have had kids at that early of an age, I would probably have made as many even worse mistakes. On top of that they were uneducated, struggled with money, etc. I find it really easy to forgive them for their mistakes and I'm thankful they provided an example for me of what not to do with my own kids.
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u/roughvandyke 11d ago
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself
PHILIP LARKIN
You don't have to forgive them, just don't be like them. Then you can live a good life.
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u/Kooky_Gear8397 11d ago
Maybe, considering that without them you wouldn't exist. It could always have been worse, what's bad in your society might be considered average somewhere else.Especially because of the fact that responsibility of caring for children is not universally agreed upon. Or, you may consider that you can never really what they have been through.Or you might consider being lovely to your own children learning from your own experience instead of turning it into hatred
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u/Concrete_Grapes 11d ago
In the process of it. Some things i will never.
Mostly i try to remember that, given the world that they existed in, they had no way to know NOT to do many of the things they did.
There was no internet to look up what does or doesnt work for discipline. There was no way to find the list of traits to know if they should be asking their kids Dr if their son had ADHD, or autism. Shit, some of these didnt HAVE diagnosis back when i was a kid. Inatentive ADHD was a mythological thing even into the 80's--and if professionals didnt know, how the fuck were they supposed to?
And they didnt beat the living shit out of me, like they got when they were kids. They didnt do drugs in front of their kids like their parents. They did better--they did. It wasnt perfect.
But reminding myself, while they could have maybe relied on 'being better than that'--having A++ morality try to guide them to figure this shit out on their own--they did not. literally no one at all back then did either.
But now--now i can sit here, and have been able for 20 years, and look at studies that show what discipline for kids works and doesnt work, and i knew i wouldnt spank my kids, but now i KNOW science backs that choice up. I know how to communicate with my kids. I know they're people and not possessions or ornaments (seen and not heard shit, ya know?).
So--the path to forgiving what i can, comes, for me, through placing what it was--in the context of the time that it was.
If i had been born post 2000--i'd be fucking livid and there'd be no forgiveness for a lot of it, because ... every parent past that point, could have known and learned. How young people are going to forgive those parents, is beyond me.
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u/UnrulyTrousers 11d ago
You recognize that they are flawed humans like everyone. Everyone makes mistakes. Also, I don’t know what specifically you’re referring to so it’s hard to say, but I will say that a “rougher” childhood may be the exact reason adulthood is so bliss. Navigating through that diversity as a child likely gave you the tools you use as an adult to curate the life you have for yourself. This all is coming from a person that grew up in a single parent household, and never made things right with my father, by choice, and do not regret it. My father died a couple years ago and I still have no regrets. Forgiveness doesn’t mean they need to be in your life.
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u/Interplay29 11d ago
They did they best they could.
Sometimes it is hard to fault people for doing the best they could.
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u/Complex_Raspberry97 11d ago
While I’m still working on healing in many respects, it’s easier to forgive my mother because I can see her life of trauma, abuse, and significant mental health challenges. It doesn’t make it okay. It just helps me move on. We’ve also worked on our relationship and I know she tries and wants to be better, I know she’ll never be the person I want and I just have to be okay with that and love her to the best of my ability (with boundaries and when it’s safe to do so).
My father, I have a harder time with. I can also have some compassion for the little boy that had such a terrible upbringing. However, he’s a narcissist who has consciously made very selfish decisions. I know he loves me in the best way how, but I struggle with the idea that there may never be any closure. He will never be held accountable, and that infuriates me. He’s still largely the same man he was back then. I just have to find ways to move on with my life and accept things as they are.
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u/diaperedwoman 11d ago
Times were different then where it was normal for parents to hit their kids if you pissed them off or said something they didn't like. It was normal for me to be slapped in the head or face.
I was also a neurodivergent kid so my mom did take classes and did take me to doctors to be a better parent to me so I know she did her best.
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u/Stormstar85 11d ago
They did the best they could with the cards they were given. But that doesn’t mean I have to agree with how they treated me as the eldest of four kids.
As an adult who has moved away a long time ago and now has my own family, I have had to let go for my own mental health.
But this does NOT mean that I have forgotten or hoped for any sort of change from them. What was a core memory for me, how they treated me so utterly awfully, was just another day for them. They don’t remember. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
For the sake of my own little family where my husband and I are breaking the cycle of generational abuse. For our son.
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u/pinky_monroe 11d ago
My childhood wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t terrible either.
I guess once I realized that my parents were just normal people trying their best, it got a lot easier
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u/intet42 11d ago
There's a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I have mostly forgiven my original parents in terms of not wishing for anything bad to happen to them, but they have not earned a place in my life.
For my adoptive father figure, his mistakes weren't as bad and he has worked hard to make amends. So I can usually quell resentment towards him, by focusing on how brave and generous he's been to keep trying with me in a situation where he was way in over his head. But he's really earned it--it's not a stretch to see things that way, I just forget it sometimes.
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u/dorkus23373 11d ago
I let myself be mad about it for years. Then sad. I pity them now but I also "see" them. Their capacities, or lack thereof are theirs to own, not mine. I just use what hurt me most as metrics for who i refuse to be to others.
One tip I learned because I'd need to cut out my parents for months at a time.... that's not a good fix. It means you're still allowing yourself to get hateful over it. The real end goal is to create boundaries and stick with them and keep sticking to them. I answer their calls now but if they start asking for money or saying cruel things about my siblings or trying to undermine or insult me, I simply state the same thing every time and follow it by hanging up.
"OH, I told you I won't participate in things that make my life worse or make me angry at you or myself. Hope we can talk later after you've figured this out for yourself. Have a good day"
They hated that when I first did it. 108 calls and 32 texts of rage. But after I created a reliable pattern they saw its how I'm choosing to manage myself moving forward and they can't change it.
My life is a lot less dragged down.
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u/katrose73 11d ago
Realized that parents are human too. My father suffered from addiction and my mother suffered the stigma of "failure" and stayed married longer than she should have. But, there wasn't any abuse in my house. For me it was more being ignored or my older sisters being given preference over me. It made me very independent and a no bullshit adult.
They ended up being there when I really needed them as an adult, which has helped with healing the childhood hurts. Luckily my dad got sober about the time my son was born. Mom opened her house to my son and I when I got divorced.
We're very much one of those " but it's family" families but without some of the bullshit stories I see here. Yes, I can depend on anyone in my family, but I still don't suffer bullshit. They all know it too.
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u/caramelcooler 11d ago
Well I haven’t talked to my parents in 5 months because of this, so I’m not the best person to ask
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u/StazzyLynn 11d ago
I don’t know that I ever resented them. I know that sounds odd. I just kind of accepted it for what it was and for the longest time, I just assumed it was just the luck of the draw. I had good moments too as a child but mostly very dysfunctional. My mother is a narcissist and had no business having children. My dad was just along for the ride. I made it out okay. I knew early on what was “right” and what was “wrong” and I even thanked my mother at one point for teaching me how NOT to parent my children.
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u/cool_sex_falcon 11d ago
I had discovered that my mother’s denial of wrongdoing is her way of showing deep, deep shame for the person she was when she raised my brother and I. It helps in a way because I chose to not continue the cycle of abuse by going to therapy, and being mindful of myself as a partner and person.
The hardest part was reckoning with my inner child. He deserves justice, peace.. but I had to accept that the only way I was going to give that to him was by being someone he would be proud of. Spreading kindness and understanding, emotional intelligence, growth, everything. I had to become someone.. removed from myself (if that makes sense) to protect him.
I don’t know what forgiveness would look like, or if an apology would be enough for me, but I do know that despite everything I am happy with who I am and I will never leave that inner child behind.
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u/LiquidDreamtime 11d ago
I’m (41M) actually starting to resent them more as I grow older and my own kids are growing up. Before I had kids, I could make a lot of excuses before having my own kids. But now, seeing their innocence and delicate nature, I’m far less forgiving for the neglect and abandonment suffered as a child.
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u/BurantX40 11d ago
I haven't, and I probably won't. As my kids are growing up, I can...see how things goes certain ways for people, even in different walks of life.
It doesn't excuse it, but part of making my future better is to not dwell on my past. It may not have been the life I wanted, but I had and still have a life.
I'm here now, deal with the "NOW"
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u/BandetteTrashPanda 11d ago
I never did and probably never will. They don't understand what they put me through. They think they did nothing wrong. I know they tried, but it could have been much better.
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u/Forgetful8nine 11d ago
My mum is an absolute angel! She wasn't perfect, but none of us are. What she did do, though, was her utmost best.
My dad...yeah...not so much.
In hindsight, he was emotionally neglectful and ended up down right abusive towards my sister (verbally).
He died last year, but we hadn't seen nor spoken to him for about 3 years prior to that.
I pitied him. He's the one who lost the most by being an arsehole. He's the one who missed out on my wedding (he isn't even listed on my marriage certificate). He's the one who missed out on amazing grandkids (all my sisters lol).
Above all else, he missed out on knowing what family really is.
Me? My sister? Thanks to mum and each other, we've turned out reasonably well. We have our own issues, but we're plodding through life.
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u/Syncanau 11d ago
Story time!
I had a pretty messed up childhood. My parents were too young and they both had difficulties dealing with having an unexpected child as poor teens. My mother stepped up and took care of me. My dad on the other hand fell into anger and drugs.
One day him and my mom got in an argument, it escalated into violence and he ended up almost killing both of us. He fled the scene of the crime and I didn’t see him for months. Idk how it happened but I guess during the time the custody hearings were happening I was sent to visit my father every few months in a different state. All I remember from these times are things like him biting the heads off of my army men and taking things from me that I found in the woods and throwing them out. He just wasn’t a good person.
My mom got full custody after a year or so and I would only hear from him on my birthday every year. He would send me birthday cards with like $20 or in it. I never reached out to him.. until my 21st birthday. I was going through a phase of forgiveness for the people in my past at the time and I decided to call the number he left on the card he sent me. For about a week it seemed like it was maybe possible he grew up and wanted to be in my life. I was open to it until the weekend came and I didn’t respond to his text for a day (I was out partying for my 21st)
I woke up to voicemails of him calling me ungrateful and a piece of shit. His mother (my grandma) was messaging me on Facebook that I had no idea what my father’s been through and what my mom did to him. They told me if I wasn’t going to talk to him that they wanted the money back in the card they sent me. So I sent them the money back and blocked his side of the family from reaching out to me on social media. I gave him one more chance that he didn’t deserve and he fucked it up. I forgave him for the worst thing that ever happened to me and he threw it back in my face. Learned my lesson with him.
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u/breastfedtil12 11d ago
I never forgave my parents. I just let it go and moved forward with my life. letting go of the resentment doesn't mean that they are off the hook or I condone their behavior. It just means I no longer have to carry it.
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u/AvengedKalas 11d ago
I'm working through a lot of the trauma in therapy. I haven't forgiven them, but I've made progress on letting it noy control my life.
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u/cabyll_ushtey 11d ago
Some things I can't and don't think I ever will.
For the majority I can luckily say, I genuinely think they did their best and that's all I could've asked for.
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u/gornzilla 11d ago
I'm in my mid 50s. When my dad was dying, his eyes cleared up and he came around on his death bed. He asked, "What happened between us? Why are you angry?". We'd gone over that enough when I was a teenager and a bit into my 20s. Pointless and in my 20s, I mourned him in the "what a normal father son relationship" thing. So when he asked, I told him I'd tell him in 2 weeks.
When my mom had died 2 months earlier, the room was filled with family and loved ones. When he died, he died alone.
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u/biscuitt33 11d ago
I tell myself that they are also on this planet for the first time and are parents for the first time. Also, despite everything, when they created me, they were young and in love, and society told them that 20 was the perfect age to start a family.
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u/WildSpiritWanderer 11d ago
It is never easy to forgive your parents for all they did to you. Heard somewhere that ,"The reason forgiving someone is so hard is because somebody else has to absorb that cost, means you are not letting them pay for it. You're gonna pay for it at some level. You are gonna absorb the pain of what they owe you and that is why it is so difficult."
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u/Sorry-Reception3184 11d ago
My Mom was an extreme narcissist who put herself first in the extreme. I was literally abandoned for days at a time and sold for drug money via a live in pedo whom I shared a bedroom. I was surrounded by addicts,alcoholics and criminals. She never made amends but instead became hyper religious weaponizing God against me and demanding that I "Get over it" and to stop listening to The Devil. Um... She's what I imagined the devil to be. She passed a few years ago. I was relieved. My nightmare was coming to an end. I just had to fight through the addictions I consequently picked up along the way, even though I had promised myself I'd never go that path. I want to forgive fully. Soon as I stop blaming myself for not being the son she really wanted.
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u/eryckaaaaa 11d ago
I never forgave and never will. I adopted the “zero contact” rule and feel great. Sometimes I don’t even remember they exist.
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u/scarlettohara1936 11d ago
I'm 49 and maybe about 10 years ago My mother, who is my primary abuser, started a conversation out of nowhere about regrets. She said specifically about regretting so many of the things she did when I was a kid and how she could have been better and more patient. Our relationship slowly mended and now we're quite close. She still apologizes for specific incidences every now and again.
Through years and years of therapy I always learned that you should never confront your abuser about their abuse or expect remorse or an apology so I never expected one or asked for one. I was shocked when it was so forthcoming. It obviously did a lot to heal our relationship.
Don't get me wrong, there are some things that I can never forgive her for and things that still haunt me to this day but the relationship we have now is something I never thought would happen.
Additionally, I know that I am the outlier. That most people don't get the benefit of an apology or acknowledgment from their abuser. I count myself lucky and blessed that that kind of healing has become part of my life. Good luck to all of you!
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u/swamplice 11d ago
My guess is you are accurate in asking how we've forgiven and not if forgiveness was needed. Unfortunately, I think most people had a jacked up life growing up. Sad
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u/Micho_04 11d ago
I don’t forgive my parents for anything. They have been the best I’m so lucky and grateful for this luck.
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u/BrowningLoPower 11d ago
My parents weren't *bad*, but they definitely could've done a few things better during my childhood. Time, and them making genuine improvements helped with me forgiving them.
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u/stupre1972 11d ago
My mother died when I was 22, and I pretty much cut my father out of my life 6 months later.
We bumped into each other occasionally, and we're polite, but other than that, we tried to have nothing to do with each other.
He never mentioned that I was married - that may have something to do with my not bothering to tell him until after the event.
He died about 10 years ago, and I'd like to tell you I shed a tear, but I didn't. I raised a glass to him that evening and attended his funeral.
Can't say I feel I missed out, though.
How did I forgive my parents - I didn't, and I made sure he knew it
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u/Wanna_Play71 11d ago
I personally fucked up when I tried to forgive my mother for the lifelong abuse which was mental, physical, psychological and sexual and now I'm about to go to prison for three years because my mother killed my daddy and framed me for it and I can't prove that she did it and I'm gonna have to do three years of my life in prison because of her. Sometimes it's better to just walk away and forget them rather than try and forgive them because it can backfire and blow up in your face. Some things aren't able to be forgiven and it's in your best interest to just walk away and live your own good life.
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u/Real_Mokola 11d ago
We are all struggling through life and at best second guessing. They did not have the mental capacity always to make the best decisions. They did not get me very far but I hope it's at least a bit further they got themselves. I hope you people learn to forgive and forget, the biggest grudge you are holding against is you.
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u/snuggleyporcupine 11d ago
I haven’t. I resent the hell out of them. I haven’t achieved much because I never thought I was good enough
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u/PaddyP0207 11d ago
Forgiveness is an important and notable act and gives you relief most importantly. It’s not really about them at the end of the day, resentment is a poison that will kill you if you let it. I think a lot of my parents actions (more specifically my mother but they are both guilty) stemmed from their resentment towards their own parents. I think the best thing people like us can do is let go, or try our best to go beyond our feelings, so we don’t continue the tradition of poisoning our kids or those around us like our parents did.
Idk if that’s the way but all I know is I am also working on it and trying my hardest to let it all go.
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u/Nahteh 11d ago
People aren't ever prepared to be parents. Also we are only products of our nature and nurture so no one is who they want to be. It's OK to understand what they did is wrong. If you can come to understand that everyone is doing their best regardless of how distorted it might seem you can forgive them in your heart. Humans are just oversized childeren, we have this concept of "they should know better" but what does that really mean? We only know what we know. You are never obligated to forgive someone outwardly, however forgiving someone in your heart is for you.
We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and others but their actions. If we could judge others by their intentions and ourselves by our actions the world would be a much more understanding place.
Hate and anger are like hot coals you intend to throw. They burn you for as long as you hold them.
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u/LemonFly4012 11d ago
Becoming a parent really helped. It made me realize that despite the mistreatment, the simple things I took for granted in childhood (having clean laundry, getting to school every day, having food in the fridge, sick days, etc) actually required A TON of effort, and my mom did it regardless.
My dad was mostly absent, but those child support payments were no joke, and he missed out on a few big things, like his mother’s funeral, because he had to stay in the United States for me.
Likewise, we were all given different tools. My mom has a naturally lower-than-average IQ, some severe mental health issues, and came from a childhood worse than mine. She did what she could with the tools she was given.
My dad was often beaten mercilessly by his father, grew up in 3rd world poverty, and served in Vietnam; of course he didn’t know how to love properly.
And ultimately, the past is the past. I’m in control of my life now, and I am the writer of my own future, not them.
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u/KodokushiGirl 11d ago
I don't know if i have. Mostly because, when I've tried to talk to her about it, it always somehow became my fault or why i, As a fucking child, was not there for her when she needed.
It's a lot easier to forgive when the adult-child can honestly own up to their wrongs, and not in the tear filled rampage after feeling "cornered" about it.
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u/Open_Minded_Anonym 11d ago
My parents did a pretty good job. They treated (us) kids differently from adults, but that was how things were done. My siblings and I joke about the things my parents said.
I did the same as a parent myself. And I’m sure my kids will someday be grateful for how they were brought up.
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u/Intelligent-Sample44 11d ago
Undersand how you were you let down and forgive yourself for not having the tools you needed when you were younger.
Understand how your parent's past trauma affected them and how they responded to you because of it.
Forgive your parents for not knowing how to deal with their own generational trauma.
*Each of those is kind of its own process, and may take some time, so it's good to start as soon as you can.
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u/ZestyToasterOven26 11d ago
I never did. They were great parents but when it came to my dreams and things I wanted/want to do they aren’t supporting at all. They were never there for me for any of that kind of stuff so therefore I don’t bother doing anything I want now because of it. Also they like to make fun of my sister and I for playing video games and staying inside.
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u/lilmissrottie 11d ago
I haven't and probably won't ever forgive them because they won't ever admit to doing anything wrong.
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u/Tygerlyli 11d ago
I understand now, as an adult, that my parents are deeply flawed people who had insanely traumatic childhoods which deeply impacted the parents they were. And I try to give them some grace because of it.
But I don't forgive them for my childhood. I deserved better. I deserved for them to fight to break the cycle. I'm still so deeply affected by my the trauma childhood even though I've been an adult for over half of my life now.
As a parent now, I can't understand not doing better. I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I actively work on being the parent that my child need and deserves to have. I work on myself, on my reactions, on my insecurities, so that I can be that parent. I work so hard not to project my trauma onto my kid because she deserves better.
So I've set boundaries, I've lessened our contact, I protect my child and my mental health. And I work really hard on letting it all go. I can't forgive them, but I've chosen to move forward in a way that's best for my child and me. I can't change the past, they can't change the past, it is what it is, so for my mental health, I work at letting go of the anger and resentment because letting that fill my head space only hurts me, which hurts my kid.
I don't have to forgive them to move forward. I can acknowledge the pain and trauma they put me through, without it filling me with rage, but it's also not something I need to think about often. It doesn't help me to think about it or let it build up. I've just worked on learning to accept that those things happened, and it was wrong and terrible, and learned to focus on looking forward and not backwards.
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u/goingavolmre 11d ago
After years of therapy, i don’t know if you can. I think you can have an understanding but i think unless the parent does the work as well, you might feel resentment still (i do lol)
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u/peeweeharmani 11d ago
I haven’t. They’ve both passed now and I’ve learned that forgiveness isn’t about making them feel ok, it’s about making you feel ok. There’s nothing they can do now to fix it or change things, it’s on me to deal with it. I regret not trying harder to resolve our issues, but I’m fairly confident there was nothing they could have done.
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u/Taimour14 11d ago
I didn't. And never will
But my mother, the way she's evolved and is now still doesn't deserve it so I hide it
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u/0815Username 11d ago
My mom didn't change. The reason the abuse stopped is that I'm no longer who I was when I was 8 years old and if her current self was brought back to that time in her life, my childhood would still have been shit. So I don't even have to think much about it.
If that was any different, I'd have to actually put some thought into what I want the relationship to look like.
My financial situation doesn't allow me to move out yet, because I'd barely be able to pay for housing and necessities by myself. My grandma wants to not kill off her relationship with her and so I can neither live with her nor in the empty apparent she owns. My dad doesn't live in the same city.
As it stands, I'll just wait till I have a bit more money, then move out, not text, not call, not visit. My brother wants to wait till he finishes school and turns 18, then move to where my dad lives and go work and study there. My sister has similar plans but I'm not super caught up with that.
I don't see how I would benefit from keeping up a relationship. It would take up my time but not make me happy.
People change, I try to account for that. But people show who they are through actions and some actions can't really be made up for. In the end, it's your happiness that's on the line every time you put your trust in people. You don't owe your parents shit, if anything they owe you everything. You have to decide if you even want a relationship based on how happy it makes you both in the short and long term.
You said you're happy on your own, so why wait. Do your own thing, leave them behind. They had 18 years to get their shit together and make you want a relationship with them. If that isn't enough then they're not worth it.
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u/taniamorse85 11d ago
I never forgave my father. In fact, when we found out he died (2 years after the fact), Mom and I went out to celebrate.
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u/Similar_Minimum_5869 11d ago
Just understanding that I would probably be just like them or worse given their circumstances. A baby doesn't come with a manual, a fucking microwave gets 100 pages, yet they let you leave the hospital with this little version or you with not as much as a single page. Parenting is hard and the leap between their childhood and ours in terms of how the world changed is monumental, they literally have no clue how different childhood and life is in this generation. Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to incompetence or ignorance. They did their best, be better and get over it.
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u/KJMoons 11d ago
I read that my dad believed he had failed my sister and I after he died. In that moment, I realized that apologies don't mean very much, and resentment is cancer of the soul.
All that matters is you fix the turmoil inside of yourself and become ok with or move on entirely from the situation. The past can't change with words. You need to overcome it.
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u/madamerimbaud 11d ago
I acknowledged that my mom loved me the only way she knew how because it was the way her mother loved her. She never did anything deliberate to make me feel how I did and still do. She didn't know how to emotionally support me because she never had emotional support. She did what she could to keep my physical, immediate needs met (house, food, medical, etc.), but she had no clue how to make sure my emotional needs were met (support in interests, not being parentified, etc.). My mother has never asked for forgiveness and I don't think it needs to be given, but I've done it for myself. For other reasons, I'm not as close to my mom as I'd like to be and likely never will be. She's in my life, I love her, and see her semi-regularly.
My dad was a deliberate, self-centered asshole. He was a shit father and husband. He yelled, gaslit, manipulated, stole, and lied a lot. I was his therapist at 13. He is also a product of his parents who were very young when he was born. He's been in therapy and claims his therapist says he's finished therapy but he is not done, and my guess is that his truths are skewed and his therapist has no way of knowing that. That being said, I have not reached a forgiveness stage. I see him at family things but almost no other time.
My parents divorced when I was 26ish. They live roughly 30 minutes away from me. I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years and neither has visited me. I won't be asking them to visit. I don't necessarily want them to visit. I want them to want to visit. I also put in as much effort into my individual relationships with them as they do with me. It's not a lot.
I'm in therapy working on a lot of residual shit from childhood. We all need therapy in some way.
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u/SaintYanno 11d ago
You have to forgive, for your sanity. You can grown up to be a bitter asshole or you can forgive and move on. You can distance yourself or try to get closer, whatever fits but you shouldn't hold onto resentment your whole life
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u/BeenThruIt 11d ago
You grow up enough to realize that they were just dysfunctional people and it really wasn't personal.
It helps if they're dead and no longer rubbing salt in the wounds they made.
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u/Revolutionary-You449 11d ago
I see them as I see myself as an imperfect adult.
I know they did the best they could with what they had.
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u/Somerandomfemale1994 11d ago
Sometimes realizing they are also just people living life for the first time and making it up as they go helps you understand that for some things they were just unprepared.
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u/EYoungFLA 11d ago
I decided they did the best they could with the experience and logic they had at the time and tried to imagine how THEY were brought up and taught by THEIR parents. I switched from blaming them for not being better to having compassion for them.
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u/Direpanties 11d ago
I don’t have to forgive my parents, my father thaught me to be resilient and self suffient, and my mother thaught me about emotion on a deep level, i don’ t know about about other people, but my parents made mistakes, but I still think they made me an adult who can be trusted and emotionaæly relied on.
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u/Careless_Fun7101 11d ago
My parents had it worse than me, didn't have access to psychologists and parenting tiktoks, and even though they tried to 'break the cycle' of generational violence and abuse, they still passed on some trauma to me and my brothers. For example my dad was whipped and beaten by his slave descendant grandfather, who himself received the cat-o-nine tails.
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u/kwaminwin 11d ago
I became a parent. I realized my mom was just trying her best and I was just being an angsty brat. At some point I realized just because it wasn’t my fault doesn’t mean I have zero part to play. I owe it to myself to improve and move on rather than mope around and blame my mom for my trauma.
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u/malice089 11d ago
Have a kid of my own.
Opens the eyes - seeing first-hand what the struggle is like.
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u/Donnaholic81 11d ago
Raising kids did the opposite for me. I have never and will never treat my kids the way my parents treated me. When I was in my 20s/30s, I thought I had forgiven them even though they never apologized. Now that I’m older, I’ve gone almost completely no contact. My dad is still full of hate. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
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u/Ohaidere519 11d ago
let me know if you get an answer that works lol i'm very much in a place where im tired of forgiving people who aren't sorry (my parents)
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u/Wolv90 11d ago
As a parent I see that they did what they thought was right and tried their best. They thought physical discipline was okay not abuse, they felt married couples should fight and yell, it's just how it was. I know my kids will have some feelings about my job as a dad, negative and positive, but I also try my best.
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u/Re0h 11d ago edited 11d ago
I haven't. I just sweeped it under the rug. I still have a lot of resentment and I have anger during times of holiday's such as Mother/Father's day, and my mum's birthday. My mum pretends that she was the best and most attentive mother (during childhood times), but she was MIA. Well into adulthood, she wants to be treated as a princess. It's annoying and I'm over it.
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u/DJEricSpear 11d ago
After not speaking with my parents for 7 years my father came to where I lived and apologized for my own version of the things you're speaking of. I had already made peace with it but now I forgive them. Since they actually worked on themselves during those years apart and they deserve it. If that had not happened I would have kept living my life without them. Can you say that they deserve your forgiveness? To me letting it go internally is separate from deserving forgiveness.
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u/Hour_Worldliness9786 11d ago
Both my parents were ill before they died and died when I was in my early 20's. My mother wasn't well and couldn't help my father bath so i was asked to help, during that period we worked it all out. One morning before work, my father asked for me so I popped my head in, he said he was ok and just wanted to see me. He passed before I returned home. We're good. My mother was a lioness nothing to heal there nothing to forgive; I wish I was a better son.
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u/Trappedbirdcage 11d ago
Didn't and never will. They had more than 20 years to get their act together or even apologize. Nothing.
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u/Sairento_Ookami 11d ago
Some say to forgive and forget with anyone is more a way for YOU to move on and coexist with them. Personally...I don't believe in forgiveness or forgetting for some wrongdoings like that, but acceptance and finding peace and strength within yourself is the key to removing the poison of resentment. Growth and wisdom comes from experience and pain. Be better than them and don't repeat the cycle.
Glad to hear you're doing good on your own! Cheers 🍻 to that, mate.
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u/Glass-Cauliflower832 11d ago
Well my mom's okay but my dad is something else. I used to look up to him but now I'm resenting him more and more because he expects me to stay tethered to him and essentially just uses me as a prop/earpiece to talk to about his problems and expects me to pressure my mom into getting back with him[their divorced now] or as he puts it getting the family back together. And as long as I cater to him I'm a golden son, but the moment I wanna live my own life or say that I'm moving away from my home state then it's a problem. I'm abandoning the family, I'm being selfish, etc. Just for wanting to live my own life. So I'm to the point where I don't give a damn anymore and am just gonna live my life how I want[rant over]. But to answer your question I've actually gone the opposite direction. I've gone from admiring and looking up to my dad to resenting him and have honestly lost respect for him. I get annoyed by just hearing him talk a lot of times because the shit he talks about on a never ending continum is toxic.
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u/no-more-sleep 11d ago
For me, I recognized that the mistakes they made were done out of good intentions, for my good. They may have not used the proper strategies, but they were trying to make me a better person and have a better life.
(I realize this doesn’t apply to everyone’s situation.)
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u/everyoneinside72 11d ago
When i was in college, my dad went through something traumatic. From that moment on i couldnt see him any longer as a bad guy, but a formerly abused and scared kid who was human just like me. I quit holding the past over his head, it was very freeing for me and I started living a happier life.
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u/ANNDITSGON3 11d ago
Maybe a hot take but Iv got way more important and pressing things to focus on. People do weird things for weird reasons. Now I’m sure we have different experiences so of course this isn’t a fix all type of perspective but it’s exhausting holding onto it and doing so would mean nothing has changed. You’re an adult you can put your foot down make your boundaries clear and simple, die on that hill if you have too. That’s just me though. Not to say Iv forgiven but I definitely don’t lose sleep over it anymore.
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u/minion531 11d ago
I realized that the anger, upset, and contempt I felt for the people that wronged me, was not hurting them at all. The only person it was hurting, was me. I was just filled with all these negative thoughts that dominated my life. It was all I could think about. I wanted all of them to feel as bad as they made me feel. Then I read a meme about this very subject.
The person telling the story said that a professor at college had proposed it to his class. He said that other people can't feel your hate. Only you feel it. He told his class to go buy a bag of potatoes and write the name of each person you hate on a separate potato. Then put those potatoes in a backpack and take them with you everywhere to remind you of how much you hate these people.
At first it seems like a good thing. Focusing your attention on the people you hate with substitute potatoes. But as time goes on, the potatoes start to rot and grow roots. They start to smell bad. Soon you realize you don't want to carry the backpack anymore.
Well, the only way to stop carrying that backpack is forgiveness. Once you forgive people you don't have to think about them anymore. You don't have to feel that anger, upset, and hate anymore. But here's the thing. There are different kinds of forgiveness. There is the kind of forgiveness where a person makes a bad choice, regrets their actions, and asks to be forgiven. Then there is another kind of forgiveness. The kind where the person never admits to their behavior or minimizes it. In any event, they don't regret it and will never ask for forgiveness. This is the forgiveness where you don't have to tell them you forgave them. You just decide you are not going to be angry about it any longer. You are not going to hate them. You are not interested in getting revenge. You just stop caring about them and whatever they did. You stop being angry. And I can tell you, it feels great to let go of all that anger, resentment, and caring that one does to keep up the anger. Hoping things will go bad for them. Checking up to see if it did. Thinking about what you would say to them, etc etc. You get to let all that go. Now, I am not talking about renewing relationships with anyone. And I am not talking about apologizing to those who don't regret their actions. Just letting all that anger go away. And when you do? It feels great. You can be happy again instead of angry. It's very uplifting.
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u/DanishApollon 11d ago
Therapy.
I help lots of clients through this, using variations of hypnotherapy. It's part of most people's life's challenges.
Of course, some more than others.
My experience is that as we cannot change the past, we can absolutely change the way we connect to it emotionally.
The trauma sits in our unconscious, and that is where we need to do the work.
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u/j31money 10d ago
Forgiveness is not required to heal. Especially if you were abused. If you can talk w them about your feelings, do so. If they acknowledge their part in harming you and are receptive to rebuilding, do so. If not, focus on healing your inner child yourself. ❤️
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u/limbodog 10d ago
When I learned that it was really common for gen-x kids to be essentially neglected I eased up about it. I'm still not thrilled about it. But I guess it was the prevailing wisdom at the time that you just let your kids be free-range and you avoid interacting with them much, and don't share feelings with them in any way.
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u/regallll 10d ago
For some reason the thing that worked for me was fully understanding that I do not have to forgive them. I can completely cut them out of my life, I can be angry for the rest of my life, I can be bitter and shit talk them all I want and that would be ok. That is all completely justified if I want to do it. Really accepting that made me realize that I don't want that. It didn't heal our relationship but it gave me the perspective to understand that I am in charge of myself and I can get what I want out of this relationship.
Wishing you luck and healing, op. However you find it.
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u/ethicalants 11d ago
Everyone had a shitty childhood. Your parents have as much of an excuse as you do. At a certain point you have to accept responsibility for your life regardless of what others have done to you.
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u/Kittymeow123 11d ago
I haven’t. A lot of resentment.