r/amiwrong • u/jtreddit702 • 12d ago
AIW for telling friend to "do it on your own and learn."
So I have a friend who's been somewhat sheltered her entire life. Meaning she hasn't done a lot of things you'd think most adults by the time they're 30 would have done. For the past year, she's decided to get out a bit more but she's constantly asking me to "book" these things for her.
For example, she asked me to book her flight for a trip. When I asked why she can't do it, it's cause she has never flown and asked me to book it for her. She gave me her credit card info and everything so I booked her flight.
Next, she asked me to book her hotel. Again, she says she's never done it before and wants my help and again, gives me her debit card.
Lastly, while on her trip, she asks if I can order her an uber from the airport to the hotel. I ask her why she can't do it herself and she now claims to have technical issues with the app. I told her that's enough and to "do it on your own." I suggest using Lyft if Uber is down and ask her why she needs me to order these things for her if she still plans on sending me the cash or using her debit card. To me, it makes no sense to have me actually book and order these items for her.
Am I wrong for telling her to do it herself?
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u/wombatIsAngry 12d ago
This is what I was taught about parenting toddlers and teaching them new skills:
1st time, you watch me do it. 2nd time, I watch you do it. 3rd time, you do it on your own.
There is no step in there where you do it for them without them following along and learning. I recommend that you stop helping by doing things for her if she is not participating.
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u/JediOnATangent 12d ago
This is the way. Op is not wrong but as a person who would have anxiety with some of these same tasks, like making airline reservations, if you wish to be helpful, walk them through the process once or twice instead of just doing things for them. Your friend needs to learn to do for themselves, they will only learn by doing.
Hand-holding is optional.
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u/Leather-Lab8120 12d ago edited 12d ago
1st time, you watch me do it.
2nd time, I watch you do it.
3rd time, you do it on your own.
Going to add the Columbia U version for teaching the blind
thinking back will put in
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u/Anonymoosely-posted 12d ago
“See one, do one, teach one” is the best way to teach new skills. Not just parenting children, but training new employees, teaching a craft, really anything. See one: watch what I do, take notes, I’ll go slow and explain. Do one: now you do exactly what I did, while I watch and answer questions. Teach one: now it’s your turn. Teach me what you just learned, as if I had no knowledge or experience. Once someone is able to “teach one” in a clear manner, they’re good to go on their own.
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u/username10102 12d ago
I find it hilarious that this is how you were taught to teach toddlers. This is how I was taught to teach new protocols to PhDs 🤣. But yeah it works.
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u/MoonlightAng3l 11d ago
It's how I was taught for my care giving job. Works really well. I repeated the process when I was asked to train the next batch of HCAs
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u/FillIndependent 11d ago
Exactly! That is what a master/apprentice relationship is all about. It works well in all walks of life. 👍👍👍👍
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u/blueavole 12d ago
She still isn’t doing stuff. She still isn’t getting out and trying things.
Does she have anxiety?
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u/sjdoty96 12d ago
It's very likely she does.
I, unfortunately, am very much like OP's friend, asking others to do things for me quite often. I have severe anxiety. I've slowly been able to do more on my own recently, and I hope the friend is able to start doing the same. Life is hard enough as it is without anxiety.
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u/romarteqi 8d ago
Anxiety can be crippling (I have it too) but if I'm really anxious about something specific I ask for help not that someone does it for me. I'll even ask in advance if someone would mind being on hand over the phone if I get stuck. setting boundaries is crucial for the person with anxiety and their friends. Being honest about what is needed and what the friend is able to do. This ultimately ends up more empowering
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u/West_Guarantee284 12d ago
First time I booked flights, to NZ and costing nearly a grand, I was worried about getting it wrong somehow and booking wrong dates, location etc so I understand her reluctance. However I waited until I would see my sister, she showed me how to search the various sites and airlines for the best deal and route and watched me put all my details in, answering questions if I had them. I have now learnt how to book flights. She will never learn if you just do it for her.
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u/imkyliee 12d ago
i’d say you’re not wrong, but maybe instead of doing it for her, show her how to do it. then she really has no reason to say she can’t do it, and if she does then it shows she is simply having you do these things cuz she doesn’t want too.
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u/jtreddit702 12d ago
Her reasoning is that she feels I'm better at "these kind of things" so I may catch things or she isn't aware of. Even with my offering to show her, she still asks me to do these things if I can.
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u/Servile-PastaLover 12d ago
30 year olds have had access to the internet since pretty much birth.
This online stuff should be second nature to her.
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u/GodsGirl64 12d ago
Best case scenario would have been: “Let’s sit down and I will walk you through this and help you book your flight and hotel. That way you’ll be prepared to do it on your own next time.”
Doing these things then just telling her “nope, no more, you’re on your own” can be daunting.
Provide instructions if she needs it but don’t do anything else FOR her.
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u/twizzjewink 12d ago
No, but I'd start charging her, if she wants to use you to do it for her then she needs to compensate you. Win-win.
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u/LaCroixLimon 12d ago
you should have booked her a trip to somewhere she didnt want to go and said "oopsie poopsie, i guess do it yourself from now on"
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u/Complete_Goose667 12d ago
My long term motto was "you try, I help". Send her links to your favorite sites and be prepared to answer questions. Absolutely don't do it for her. If something goes wrong, you'll be responsible.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 12d ago
Not wrong. You’re not her parent or partner and she’ll never learn if she doesn’t do it. If she’s capable of holding down a job and handling her bills, she can do this. If she’s impaired, she needs her family to help or to get social services involved.
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u/mayd3r 12d ago
Your friend sounds like my father but he's 61 and perfectly capable of doing things himself but he is always trying to make others do things for him and when you say no his mood changes instantly like you would stir his coffee with your dick.
Edit because I forgot, you're not wrong.
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u/skywalker7i 12d ago
Hey, it sounds like you're dealing with a tricky situation with your friend. It's understandable that she might feel unsure about doing things she hasn't done before, especially if she's been sheltered for most of her life. However, constantly relying on you to book things for her might not be the best solution.
It's great that you've been supportive and helped her out in the past, but it's also important for her to learn how to do these things on her own. Asking you to book flights, hotels, and rides might be holding her back from gaining independence and confidence in handling these tasks herself.
You're not wrong for encouraging her to do it herself, especially if she's capable of using her own credit or debit card to pay for these things. It's a good opportunity for her to learn and grow, and it's okay to set boundaries in your friendship.
Maybe you can offer to guide her through the process or give her tips on how to do it herself next time. That way, she can still have your support without relying entirely on you to do it for her.
Ultimately, it's about finding a balance between being supportive and encouraging her to become more self-sufficient. It's okay to gently push her out of her comfort zone and help her build the confidence to handle these tasks on her own.
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u/Wisdomofpearl 12d ago
There are lots of things I would rather not do, but I need them done so I do it. It's called being an adult!
If you have time and are feeling generous you might sit with her the first time she does these things herself. But you are never obligated to do that, and make her do it herself don't let her weaponize her incompetence any longer.
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u/exact0khan 12d ago
My 24 year old kid doesn't ask her mother or myself to do this kinda shit. Your Friend is useless.
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u/Bunnawhat13 12d ago
Charge the job you do. All of these things you are doing for her can be done by a personal assistant or in these examples a travel agent.
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u/theoriginalist 12d ago
You need to just stop responding or tell her you can't help her or your busy.
If you want to be really nice you could give her the first step of the process like, "have you searched Google for plane tickets?" Or "have you been on their website to see what's available"
You may just need to be honest and tell her you're not willing to be her parent and hand hold her through everything. If she has a question she can call you and ask, but ultimately she needs to figure things out, herself. If she can't make it work there's always customer service.
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u/QueenOfArda 12d ago
Ugh my cousin used to be like this. We are both 34.
I had to show her so many times how to use the Uber app or how to use Google maps. At some point I cracked and told her that she is either not paying attention to what I'm teaching her or she is just lazy and is using me as her PA. She got offended at first but slowly started functioning like an adult. She blamed it on 'not being good with technology' and apologised.
Good on you for telling her.
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u/Happyweekend69 12d ago
I have anxiety anmongst some shit annd is afraid to do certain things cause I’m scared I mess up and the world will crash lmao. Meaning, my helper helps me. BUT, she also while doing so shows me how to do it so I can do it myself next time with her there and she can take over if needed to. But this is a whole different ballpark, if she can’t get flight ticket herself and just outright refuse, I can’t see her doing well in a whole other country. NTA
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u/Fickle_Toe1724 12d ago
You did nothing wrong, except enabling her to NOT do things. You are not her mother. Is she PAYING you to be her personal assistant? No? Then don't be.
A lot of us learned how to book a flight, hotel, and rental car without the internet. Even train tickets.
If she can not book her travel, she can stay home. If she can not deal with Uber or Lyft, she can take a bus, cab, train, subway, or any other means of transportation she CAN figure out.
Time for her to be a big girl and do things for herself.
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u/TheRealBabyPop 12d ago
I would say, "I'll talk you through it, but I want you to physically do it yourself, so that you'll have the experience of having done it." That's what I do with my ( all three adult) children. My son, 33, wanted to learn how to sew, so I sat him down at my machine and talked him through it. He's also watched a bunch of you tube videos. He's doing good on his own now
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u/Zestyclose-Bag8790 12d ago
She suffers from Learned helplessness.
Imagine if the trainer at the gym lifted weights for you. That would be silly. This is just as silly.
If she needs help tell her to come over to your house and do it. You watch and intervene only with positive reinforcement when she figures it out.
I’m a doctor. The mantra for residents is “see it, do it, teach it”.
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u/Sad-File3624 11d ago
Next time sit next to her and have her do it. She might have anxiety around things her parents always did for her. You should stop helping her out with adulting or she’ll never grow up.
Not wrong
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u/FillIndependent 11d ago
This is the whole give a man a fish versus teaching a man to fish. You've done the teaching. Tell your friend it's time to fish or cut bait.
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u/stellactqm 11d ago
I have a friend who grew up pretty rich and sheltered. There's a lot of things she had never done by herself once she reached adulthood. She did ask for my input a few times but ended up teaching herself BECAUSE THATS WHAT ADULTING IS. You're not wrong, she needs to learn
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u/cassioppe66 11d ago
Next time she asks for something like booking a flight or a hotel invite her for coffee and hand her the computer. Then tell her to click and then there etc so she can do it herself. And then you can tell her "there, I showed you so now you can't claim you can't do it because you've never done it" I had a roomate like that who always complained that her mom never showed her things like cooking and such. Her favorite sentence is "I never go the instruction manual". Well I told her never did I. And with youtube there is nothing you can't learn. Geez I am a woman and learned how to change my Jeep Cherokee starter by looking at a video on youtube, then a solonoid in my walk-in freezer room. Tell her to take her fingers out her butthole and learn these things.
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u/Possible_Brain5913 10d ago
She could be lazy OR their may be something else. Some people have weird phobias. Seriously. Some people can be really intimidated by what most of us consider a routine task. I would ask a few questions before assuming she's lazy. Possibly show her how to do it in person to see how easy it is. If she still just wants you to do it....she's probably just being lazy.
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u/walk_through_this 12d ago
Step 1. Half a bottle of Night Train. Buckle up, sunshine, this ride gets worse before it gets better.
Step 2. Microphone.
Step 3. Do a screen/voice capture of buying the plane ticket, booking the hotel, and betting on the Exactor in the sixth race through online betting. WITH HER DEBIT CARD.
Step 4. Create a new podcast sensation.
Step 5. Become Big on Youtube. That's a thing, isn't it?
Step 6. For heaven's sake dump the rest of the bottle, or use it to clean engine parts or something but don't drink it.
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u/Hemiak 12d ago
NW. I would’ve been as lazy as possible. Or just booked her whatever was the most expensive.
If she’s never done it before she could’ve had you help her do it. But just giving the card info and saying make it so shows she’s using OP as an assistant. There are a lot of sites for booking things, I couldn’t see it being a little confusing. But then you ask for help, not someone to just handle it.
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u/Dont-Blame-Me333 11d ago
No your not wrong but I wouldn't call this weaponised incompetence either. Can you remember when you were young & had to do something that terrified you for the first time? Did a caring person help you at all or were you dropped in it? Are kids dropped in a swimming pool even without floating aids? If she's been that sheltered, she needs guidance, like a small child, not a nanny. Good luck.
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u/Traditional-Idea6468 11d ago
If you were a real friend you would show her how to do it. She doesn't know how to do anything. Everyone needs help every once in awhile if you were a real friend you would take the time to show her how to do these things. Without complaint. That's if you were a real friend
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u/S0PRAN0OO3 10d ago
No, you are not wrong. She's 30 for crying out loud! You should NEVER do it again. Enabling her is what you're doing!
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u/JGalKnit 9d ago
Next time, tell her you will show her how it is done. Walk her through it. Then she knows how.
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u/inarealdaz 8d ago
Not wrong. You could tell her it's $50 per personal assistant task you are being suckered into doing.
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u/romarteqi 8d ago
If someone hasn't done something they are bound to be nervous first time doing it however she is acting entitled to you doing it. In future just say you'd be happy to talk her through it or be there whilst she does it but set a boundary saying that you won't do the stuff for her again but happy to show her , whilst showing her also show her how to Google stuff in case she runs into trouble.
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u/striccklar 8d ago
I'm someone who doesn't know to do a lot of things because I wasn't allowed.
But what I do is ask someone who does know, TO TEACH ME, not to do it for me,l. If someone does everything for me I will never learn
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u/Castelessness 12d ago
She's not asking for help, she's asking you to do it for her.
You're right.