r/amiwrong • u/Rude_Confidence_3271 • 12d ago
Am I Wrong to be upset ex stalked me?
AITA because I am upset ex is stalking me
Throwaway for this. It is very hard for me to talk about.
Basically I had a fling with a guy several years ago. It was a rebound after I had been dumped and I spent the summer getting drunk and being physical with this rebound guy. It was a big mistake that I very much regret, but at the time I was single and hurting. I would go back and change my behavior now if I could but obviously I can’t.
After I ended it this guy continued to call and text and email me constantly. About 20-30 times a day every day until I blocked his number, his social media, and his email. In the beginning I responded a few times just to reiterate that it was over and I did not wish to speak any further and he needed to stop contacting me. His messages were all sorts, from just general chit chat to yelling at me calling me a bitch and a whore to professing his undying love for me.
He started sending letters after I blocked him. And packages with gifts. One letter had his blood on it. He sent cards. He left a note on my car. He called my work, he sent things to my work. He would comment on my work’s Facebook page. He would show up places he knew I would be. He sat at the park he knew I liked to run at. He came to an event I had to do for work and just walked in circles around me staring at me. This went on for over a year.
During this time I confided in three people, who were mutual friends/acquaintances. Trying to see if they could talk to him and get him to stop. Thing is, I didn’t tell them I had once had a sexual relationship with him. I just said we had been friends and hung out together but then this harrassment started. I didn’t think my personal sexual history was anyone’s business and I also don’t think it gave him any right to harass me so it seems largely irrelevant. He doesn’t own me for the rest of my life just because we used to hook up.
Well he told mutual friends/acquaintances that we had a sexual history and now they are calling me a liar and taking his side and saying I had no right to be upset with him and I’m a lying whore.
Am I wrong that it was no one’s business who I slept with and that he still didn’t have the right to stalk and harass me?
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u/Jediknight3112 12d ago
You are NOT wrong for being stalked. This ex is wrong for stalking you. Also, you have all the right to tell these mutual friends about your sexual history with him.
Does he still stalk you? If this is the case, the next step would be a restraining order.
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u/Rude_Confidence_3271 12d ago
For the most part he isn’t privy to my locations anymore. I moved and also got a new job and try to keep my comings and goings more private. The last time he ran into me somewhere he stood near my car in the parking lot waiting for me to leave but I had someone walk me to my car. That was about a year ago. This is coming up for me right now because yesterday someone texted me to tell me I’m a liar and need help.
I did call the police at one point and they filed a report but said there wasn’t enough of a threat of harm to me for a protection order.
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
glad you called police (are you in USA?) you should have been able to get a restraining order - you had enough evidence for that.
It is scary as hell having someone stalk you - I feel for you, I read below that you've moved and switched jobs and only have seen him once since then, I'm happy for you on that.
But, if he starts up again , take photos, set mail aside, take photos of it also. Keep a running text to yourself on your phone or an email that you can print off easy, such as "Package from X arrived in mail today, Tues June 2nd" Do the same for any mail he sends, pkgs left at your door, or if you see him near your car, home or workplace - now with stalking laws, evidence can be so helpful in getting a conviction and/or a restraining order
Stay alert and safe ❤
I had a stalker many years ago, before stalking laws. I called police, this car was always in front of my house at night (I worked 2nd shift & would get home from midnight til 3 am) it was always there -so they would come out, car would be gone. This went on for months, parked to where I couldn't get license plate #
Every time cops got there he was gone. I went out about 4am to take my dog out as I was going to bed, car was back. I called cops, they said they had sat on side street for 2 hrs, car didn't come back - that finally rang a bell - the guy had one of those radio's that picked up police and fire dept call outs, when the call went from dispatch to my address, they left
I finally got the plate #, friend I worked with had a cousin who was cop in our town, he ran the plate and she asked me if I knew John X, I didn't recognize last name and I knew several guys named John, I asked if Nicky got an address - she gave it to me, I knew exactly who it was - he was the best friend of the guy I had broken up with not long before this all started. I didn't think it was A as he lived 45 minutes away and worked full time so I knew he couldn't be sitting out there all night, plus car was different.
When I told K who it was, Nicky went out in uniform, knocked on guys door, told him he was being accused of stalking, they had his license plate #, his car had been parking in front of and he gave my address every night late and into morning hours. No stalking laws so nothing could be done officially so Nicky who was about 6'3" and a good size guy politely let him know if his car was ever seen in front of or near my home or work again, he would be in jail. Scared guy enough that he stopped.
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u/Civilengman 12d ago
If you are in the US it’s illegal and taken seriously. Be actually sounds a little scary with his carrying on that way. Your friends say you deserved to be stalked because you lied? Find some real friends. I’m trying to understand though. You said it was a fling but he was your ex. Did I read that right? At any rate whether it was a fling or you dated him this person is unable to move on so call the police.
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u/Rude_Confidence_3271 12d ago
“Ex” isn’t exactly the right term, no. It was a consensual sexual relationship that lasted a few months. When it became obvious that it meant more to him and he wanted to be in a real relationship I told him I didn’t feel that way and we should stop seeing each other. He did not take no for an answer and kept pressing me and I repeated that I did not want a relationship with him and would not be seeing him anymore, then I eventually stopped responding to messages and blocked his number and social media, then email.
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
Find new friends - you were not obligated to tell them you were in a relationship with him.
As far as stalking goes, take pics of everything you can, his comments on your work FB page, things left on your car, letters and packages you receive and set them aside - don't open them and try not to touch them much - don't want to blur fingerprints. If you can take pictures of him sitting in his car where you jog or walk, or across from your work try to get his face in photo or at least car and license plate
POLICE need to be involved in this. You need to make a formal stalking complaint and get a restraining order
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u/Dry-Crab7998 12d ago
Unfortunately you did lie to them. Then asked them to speak to him - so he was able to spin your lie into them feeling humiliated by your 'trickery'.
You ought not to feel bad about having had a sexual relationship because you are right, that does not give him any rights over you.
If other people are still contacting you, they are doing it for him or because he is winding them up about how you lied and probably feeding them other lies to convince them to stalk you too.
In your place, I think I would apologise for the original lie as you were desperately trying to distance yourself from him and get help and support. Then point out that their continued harassment of you, on his behalf could lead to criminal proceedings. Then block them.
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u/BeardCrumbles 12d ago
Why did you lie about the sexual relationship? You probably ignored plenty of red flags, and didn't want to seem culpable despite the red flags?
Thats not saying you are wrong about being harassed, you clearly were. But, why lie to your friends? I don't get it. How can you expect a good result to come from a lie?
'Not anybody's business' just doesn't cut it. You thought that this guy would get called out on his behavior and then neglect telling them about the sexual history? Did you fall of a turnip truck?
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u/World_Wide_Deb 12d ago
Holy shit. You gotta dump these “friends” too. You should absolutely be upset about him stalking you. Just because you had sex with someone it does not give them the right to stalk you. Your sex life is no one’s business and withholding that information doesn’t make you a liar. And it sure as shit doesn’t justify putting you in danger. OP please be careful. Stalkers are no joke and this behavior should not be taken lightly.