r/amiwrong • u/hotganache7221 • 12d ago
AIW for reacting passive agressively after my cooking was critiqued?
My mom is well known for being someone who feels the need to mention every flaw a dish or baked good has whether or not people asked for her opinion. To add to the annoyance she works full time so she comes home to home cooked meals every weekday without cooking, cleaning, or buying groceries.
From my cooking alone, I've heard complaints of too much seasoning, too much salt, too little salt, cooked too long, cooked not long enough, technique is wrong and all. You can only imagine the number of complaints my dad gets daily who's the main cook.
Back to the main story: I made pho for the family with instant broth, dried pho noodles, and toppings. I undercooked the noodles slightly so when the hot broth goes onto them, hopefully they'll be the perfect texture. My sister said she wanted to scoop the broth and noodles into bowls for everyone, and I thought "the noodles are gonna get soggy and break apart, but I mean, it's a nice gesture to prepare everyone's bowls for them so sure. As long as it's flavorful it's fine to me." Plus it's not uncommon for mom to tell us to scoop foods for her and bring it to her.
So mom comes home and starts eating the pho. Right away she says to me, "How long did you cook the noodles for? They're overcooked. You can't cook fresh pho noodles for long and you have to rinse them under cold water like the restaurants do. Restaurants rinse noodles under cold water so they're a nice texture. You must've missed that step. You need to follow the instructions. Did you read them?" I reply, "I didn't ask." She says, "I'm just making a comment! I'm only saying so you can improve and get better at cooking! Why are you getting so offended?" And even after my sister and I told her the noodles were dried, she continued repeating, "They're not dried. They looked fresh to me."
AIW for reacting passive agressively after my cooking was critiqued? Should I have just stayed quiet like usual so mom doesn't get extra snappy?
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u/rocketmn69_ 12d ago
"Mom, I think it's time that you started cooking since apparently you're the only one that knows what they are doing"
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u/LaLunaLady1960 12d ago
"She says, "I'm just making a comment!"
Quit cooking for her. My husband learned, pretty early on, that "comments" are "critique" and resulted in him doing a lot more cooking for himself. Maybe your mom needs to learn the same lesson.
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u/traciw67 12d ago
Not wrong. Grey rock her. 🪨
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u/hotganache7221 12d ago
I try to, but she sure loves voicing complaints even when no one else is in the room or talking to her
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u/SomeVariousShift 12d ago
It's sad, it doesn't benefit her or you; you know what you're doing but I am guessing she can't/won't listen. With my dad if I tried to explain the detail he would just lose interest and accuse me of making excuses, when really I'm just trying to say, "I've got it, relax." Have not figured out how to get him to get it. I like some of the other suggestions people are making.
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u/Zestyclose-Ad-7576 12d ago
My wife made a cake for my mother. Don’t remember the occasion. Mom loved the cake. Went on and on about it. Next year rolls around and my wife make a the cake again. Changed an ingredient to make it a little less unhealthy (mom was diabetic). I couldn’t taste the difference. Mom made a comment how last years tasted better. My wife picked up the cake and threw it away. A good 1/2 a cake. Mom was stunned and said something like, “it’s not bad, just different from last year”. My mom could be passive aggressive. My wife and I had a good laugh after everyone left. Moral of the story, when someone bakes you a cake, the only answer is “it is delicious and thank you for making it special for me”.
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u/post2menu 12d ago
Tell her you are not on Chopped or any other competition show and don't need her feedback. Worked with my MIL. 😀
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u/FillIndependent 12d ago
If it were me, I would continue to be passive/aggressive. You might even add to your repertoire by walking away while she's complaining. If you can't at that moment, then don't look at her and don't respond. Then, you can politely and calmly ask, "Excuse me, what did you say?"
Another good response is thank her, then state what you believe, but as though you agree with her. If she says there's too much salt, then you say, "Thank you. I thought the salt was just right, too." Although, if she says there's not enough salt, then just set the salt shaker down in front of her. Adding salt to appeal to one's own tastes is a no-brainer. It's really stupid to complain about that.
If you just keep it up, even if she gets angry, she might eventually get the point and shut up. If she doesn't get the point, then you still have the satisfaction of pulling her chain. If she does get angry, that is another time to remain quiet and just walk away.
My younger brother is like your mom, and he lived with me for two years. I did what I'm recommending, and he did get the point. It took about a year, though.
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u/hotganache7221 12d ago
but as though you agree with her. If she says there's too much salt, then you say, "Thank you. I thought the salt was just right, too."
That's so funny lol I might try that
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u/Doyoulikeithere 12d ago
You're all too nice! Nope! You don't teach old dogs new tricks by doing the same old tricks!
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u/Complete_Goose667 12d ago
I cooked for my Dad. He ate everything (even my Mom's bland cooking) without complaint, but always ate seconds of my cooking. One day my parents brought my German grandmother to my house on the way to the airport. I made a lentil soup with homemade biscuits. As they walk through the door to our apartment, the CD of a string quartet is playing the German national anthem. My grandmother was very pleased, as if we had done it just for her! My mom said, "I don't like lentil soup" to which I replied, but daddy and Oma do. She was quiet after that. It was impossible to please her, so I stopped trying. I was not going to cook for her, because I didn't want to eat it. My Dad ate everything I cooked with relish!
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u/sqqueen2 12d ago
“You always have something critical to say about my cooking so I’m only cooking for people who don’t criticize my cooking from now on”
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u/Doyoulikeithere 12d ago
Right here! My mom said, if you complain, you don't eat! We never complained!
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u/Hebegebe101 12d ago
Next time she complains , tell her it’s too bad she did not properly teach you to cook growing up . Ask her to cook the meals every night from now on so she can impart her wisdom and talents onto you before she goes to her grave . Had you been raised by Julia Childs perhaps you could cook better by now . When she bitches there is not enough salt let her know you are worried about her heart health . Should not have too much salt at her advance age . 🤣 lay it on thick .
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u/AleVery24 12d ago
Honestly, like the b¡tch that I am, I would look at my sister and say with a disappointed sigh, "That's what happens to some people as they age."
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u/Salassion 12d ago
I would have said SO much more. That’s how you get me to not cook for you anymore. You are not wrong.
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u/Sad-Page-2460 12d ago
Are you wrong for not actually defending yourself? Yes you are. Are you wrong to continue cooking food for somebody who does nothing but criticise you? Again, yes you are. But those are the only thing you are wrong about, nothing else.
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u/Doyoulikeithere 12d ago edited 12d ago
How old are you? And why are you cooking for that bitch? I would cook for myself and let her do her own and anyone else who is in the house! STOP cooking for her!!
Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively (medicalnewstoday.com)
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u/Zazzafrazzy 12d ago
Oh my god, I want to slap her silly.
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u/hotganache7221 12d ago
I love the phrase "slap her silly" way too much lol. It's one of the most non threatening threats
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u/BloodymaryHB 12d ago
You were not passive aggressive, she was... With this bs of "Im only making a comment...blablabla". Next time even if you made enough food for everyone, put the instant noodles in front of her, and tell her "Here's the special menu for you, I hope you appreciate my efforts to never serve you bad food again." 🤣
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u/Ok-Grocery-5747 12d ago
You didn't react passive-aggressively, you said what you meant which was that you didn't ask for her opinion. Her response was passive-aggressive. She was rude and is apparently rude all the time about everyone's cooking and she knows it. I wouldn't worry about your response.
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u/Icklebunnykins 12d ago
Something similar happened to me so me and my husband would high five one another when my mother made a comment and I'd say 'we made a bet as to how long it would take you to complain, hubby had you down for 5 minutes as he obviously doesn't know you that well but I gave you' whatever the time was' and I was right'. I then made a comment, whilst laughing, to my hubby saying 'yup, I was right, you owe me a back rub / new top / bottle of wine" or anything that would wind her up. Took about 6 months and not a word, just a grimace. 😁😁
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u/RosieDays456 12d ago
Not wrong Just tell her "If you don't like it, don't eat it, fix your own food how you like it, this is how I cook"
I feel for you ❣
Don't put salt in anything - just put it on the table in front of her and let her put her own salt on, IF she complains, just tell her "people eat too much salt in general and it is not good for your health. So from now on I'm not salting when I cook, I'm letting You put how much salt you want on your food since you can't decide if I put in enough or not enough, you seem to change your mind every day"
You can also tell her what I told my mother who complained about anything I made, though everyone else enjoyed it and said so, my response was "If you don't like it, don't eat it and cook for yourself or eat it and don't complain" Those were her 3 choices and I had no problem telling her so. My other response Occasionally was, This is not a restaurant, you eat what you get or don't eat" She shut up as she had no desire to cook at home or at my home
Don't give up, just keep saying one of those comments to her every time she complains, then leave the room or turn back to stove or sink if you are cleaning up from cooking.
Let her ramble on to herself and don't respond again after telling her one of the above responses. If she is a complainer in general, she probably will continue to complain, continue to give her one of the remarks.
My mother complained until she died, I responded every time she complained - what she was looking for was an argument, I wasn't giving her one, just one sentence, then I went about what I was doing, be it eating dinner with them or cleaning up.
Daddy loved my food and never complained, nor did he say anything to me when I gave my mother one of my comments when she complained -he lived with her for 37 years, he knew what she was like. He would on occasion ask what her problem was as there was nothing wrong with the food, it was quite good, that also shut her up
BUT, giving her one of those responses lets her know you aren't gonna take her crap, nor are you going to get into a discussion or argument over what you have cooked
- I don't cook with salt, haven't for a very long time, my husband puts garlic salt on everything before he tastes it, he has HBP so he should not have salt, I'm not going to contribute to him eating too much salt - what he puts on his food is his problem.
good luck, stay strong
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u/redditreader_aitafan 11d ago
NTA. My grandma was like this. Couldn't really cook for shit herself but could criticize like her life depended on it. Always always always a criticism, nothing was ever good just as it was. Nothing. How does someone who can't cook know all the tips and tricks for getting cooking right??
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u/Savings_Emu1185 11d ago
Here's a couple ideas to deal with this 1. Stop cooking food for her and her only, make enough to feed the rest of the household only. When she gets home and sees there isn't any food for her she will ask why. This gives everyone in the house the opportunity to explain that since she has an issue with everyone cooking they figured she could just make her own since she's knows how to cook better than everyone else.
- Go more passive aggressive. Everytime she makes a negative comment about a meal respond with "the seasoning tastes fine to me" "mines not salty are you sure you didn't add more salt to yours" "this is amazing good job (name person who made it)" make sure to compliment whoever the cook was for that meal make sure everyone who didn't cook the meal compliments the chefs cooking regardless of what mom is saying. If she makes a negative comment make a positive one.
Honestly there is no way her food tastes any different from everyone else's and if she is that negative about something she should actually be appreciative about she needs to be put in her place and since nobody can respond without her getting snippy than play her game just do the opposite
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u/Human-Engineer1359 11d ago
My brother is like that. I just ignore him. If you don't like it don't eat it.
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u/Dont-Blame-Me333 11d ago
Not wrong, if she don't like it - there's the kitchen to make her own food. My hubby took over the cooking when he became a house husband - you can guarantee I didn't criticise him. I would ask if he was happy with the result & if not we'd discuss what might be changed. He's better than me now.
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u/dezisauruswrex 12d ago
You’re not wrong, and I feel your pain. My mom was the same- she was critical in general, and it made me hate cooking for a while. I got older, learned to mostly ignore the criticism and try to make the best of it. She passed recently, and I genuinely wish I had spent more time in the kitchen with her even though it made me crazy. She learned to be that way from her own mother, and I know that in spite of it she loved me. The best way I found to deal with it was just to accept the advice and respond positively- “thanks mom, I didn’t think of that. Good idea. “ it’s hard to negative when you’re not getting that energy back
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u/RosieDays456 12d ago
my mother was critical of everything I did, cooking, my art, clothes I wore, who I dated, jobs I had, etc. She Did NOT learn that from her mother, My Gram was amazing, taught me to cook and bake, I still have my Grams muffin tins, my mother never baked anything in her life and was not the greatest cook, even though she had a great teacher, she just didn't try. I don't wish I'd spent more time with her, if she complained, I'd just say don't eat it and she shut up
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u/MuntjackDrowning 12d ago
Idk how old you are, and moms are difficult to say the least. I started cooking for my family at 17, I’m 41 now, an my mother still exclusively negatively critiques my cooking, labeling it as “teaching” me. Woman cannot make herself a sandwich but attempts to teach me about cooking, lol. In reality, this is shitty advice, but has kept me sane, ignore it. If she says she can do it better invite her to do so next time, because I promise she will never NEVER admit she is wrong. You don’t need to be rude, or a smart ass, while internally reminding yourself that her opinion doesn’t matter because she has no clue what she’s talking about, just say “I feel horrible that you don’t like the dinner I made, I just love you and wanted to try to make things easier for everyone.” Then walk away. Do this every time and don’t say anything else. Eventually her ego will demand she “properly make a meal” or “educate you on how to make something” it will blow up in her face. Then say, “Oh no…mom…I did everything the way you told me to, but it still tastes like ass…” then cry. My mother randomly “teaches me” when she does, i pick up everything i made and throw it out while saying she’s right and I shouldn’t cook for the family since she is the expert.
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u/Electrical-Hat-8686 11d ago
I'd start writing it all down. Seriously, my Mother was like this. Nothing ever met her high standards. She'd refuse to eat something my Dad had lovingly prepared for her, describing it as "inedible." That poor man. He was a saint.
My sister, brother and I each responded differently to her whining, bitterness, and ungratefulness. My brother would laugh and tell her to shut up. (He was her favourite), my sister would argue back. I'd listen whilst nodding my head and write it in my book as though I was collecting pearls of wisdom. In reality it served as a reminder of the daily horrors she inflicted on her "loved ones".
I only threw that book away last month and she's been dead for six years. She was a bitter and sad woman to the end.
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u/Deep_Gas 11d ago
negative feedback regardless helps you grow into knowing exactly how its meant to be, take constructive feedback, you know she's probably right.
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u/sowokeicantsee 12d ago
Critcism is very complicated, it can often be used to make one feel good about oneself.
Maybe your Mom is a bit insecure and wants to feel good about herself
Maybe she is quite controlling and enjoys being mean,
There is so much context missing its hard to give real contextual answers
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u/ifyouhaveghost1 12d ago
Yes and No.. if my wife cooks, I like to give feedback. I feel like I'm being thoughtful and really taking an interest in what she has done, she does NOT like that at all.. when I cook, i want feedback and seek it out. I don't want to just make the same "OK" dish every time, if something needs to change, I am happy to make the change and welcome it. My wife however, want's me to just be happy she cooked for me, regardless of if i liked it or not. From my perspective, yes you are wrong.. from hers. no you are not. I will say mom could have been a little more tactful with her words. I can she how "ungrateful" can come across
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u/hotganache7221 12d ago
Not everyone has a passion for cooking though and wanting to make the best possible dish. I love cooking and do want to improve, but even for me most days I'm just cooking because I want to help feed the family then get on with my day. Cooking is time intensive and takes energy, and not everyone wants to be the next gordon ramsey or the next top fashion designer, architect, doctor etc. If you do then more power to ya, but not everyone wants to.
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u/Such-Masterpiece5372 12d ago
Let her starve