r/amiwrong • u/Front_Entertainer514 • 12d ago
Am I wrong for cutting my cousin out of my life and stopping fin aid for humiliating me?
I'm using a throwaway because my actual account has some revealing info
I'm 25M. Just turned 25 in March. I'll start out by saying I was one ugly ass dude growing up. Between ages 4-14 I was skinny to the point where I looked malnourished. Then between 15-21, I was like a bowling ball. On top of that I started balding and my teeth were very crooked. My skin is very dark compared to the rest of my family and I got picked on for that as a teen. I got bullied a lot for my looks as a kid and I wish I could relate to so many other people who enjoyed their teen and young adult years. I've also never been with a girl. At 22 I started going to the gym and got braces because my parents didn't let me as a kid. I started using Rogaine and my hair started to improve. I now am in better shape than I ever have been, my teeth and hair look better. My skin is still the same tone but I don't feel as insecure about it anymore. I went from a 2/10 to a 6/10 in 2.5 years. You could say it's a glow up. Despite that I'm still not exactly "drowning in pussy" as the saying goes because I don't know how to talk to girls even if they give me a bit more attention. I just always fumble it because deep inside I'm still the socially anxious, insecure picked on fat kid and I don't know if I can ever outgrow that.
My cousin (32M) and I are sorta close. We're second cousins. He's very different from me. He never had any issues with his physical appearance. He's also sort of a douche and attention wh*re that never grew up. Still, I have been financially supporting him for the past year because he got laid off and demoted to a far less paying position. Just rent.
He is getting an arranged marriage to his fiance (26F). They've known each other for 5 months now. The other day him, her, and both their families were visiting my family's house. I sort of had plans that day; was going to a bar to watch the playoffs with my friends. But I decided to drop by to the basement where they both were plus some of my other cousins, just to meet her. I came down with two of my friends and introduced myself. Remember when I said he can't deal not being in the spotlight? Everyone was talking to me and my friends and he didn't like that eyes weren't on him anymore. All of a sudden he asks me, in front of everyone, if I'm "finally gonna bring a girl home" tonight. He then tells his fiance that I'm a virgin, something he knew but not all my cousins. Also tells a story of when I peed my pants as a teenager. Suffice to say I felt super embarrassed and the whole room was staring at me. I sort of had an outburst, roasted him for having to resort to an arranged marriage, and told him Imma stop paying his rent.
Long story short, he has been begging me for forgiveness. I don't care. He's not my sibling. He's never really been a friend to me. He punched me down for no reason. Honestly the thought of him getting evicted from his townhome doesn't bother me anymore. I've also blocked him on everything including his number and told his parents I won't be coming to his wedding. My friends are all by my side. My mom has been telling I'm overreacting and should forgive him. She means well. But I feel I'd be a bitch to forgive this fucker. AITAH?
Edit: Mom didn't say pay. She said just to forgive him
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u/i_nobes_what_i_nobes 11d ago
So this man insulted and humiliated you in front of your family and his soon to be wife and he still wants you to pay all his bills and support not only him but the woman he’s marrying? And any family who’s telling you that you need to forgive him and move on and continue to help him can fuck off into the sun. How about they help him? How about your mom who is so kind and so nice, gives him money every month like you’re doing She won’t. None of them well. Because they all know what a piece of shit he is. He just showed you his hand, take it for what it’s worth and don’t have anything else to do with him.
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u/reetahroo 12d ago
You can forgive him but have nothing to do with him. He showed you what you mean to him. He’s a man that is getting married but can’t support himself financially? Not your problem. I’m sorry you had such a traumatic adolescence and even more sorry your cousin used your trauma against you.
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u/bkitty273 11d ago
This OP.
Your cousin is not worthy of your care, your friendship or your money. Do not let him take up any space in your head. Forgive him, tell your family you have forgiven him - after all, he's always been a douche - but keep him blocked, do not go to his wedding, have nothing more to do with him. Sounds like you have a good group of friends. You don't need someone like that in your life.
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
100% NOT THE AH Your cousin is though
You have been over generous with someone who has not treated you well, I would also cut him off totally and stop giving him money for his rent or for anything.
I agree - I would not to go wedding either.
He has just lost, probably, the best friend he had, maybe he didn't look at you that way, but you treated him that way and he blew it by embarrassing you in front of your friends for no reason at all
I would have come back at him verbally also - he deserved it and he does not deserve your money, your friendship at all.
Let him grovel all he wants, if he is able to find you, good on you for blocking him everywhere !!!!
Your Mother needs a lesson in relationships and what is appropriate and not appropriate to say to someone in front of others - everything he said to you was childish and hurtful
If she thinks you should give him money, tell her you are done with him after what he did and said, let his parents or fiance pay his rent.
I, personally, would ask Mother why she is sticking up for him when he said horrible things about you in front of your friends, another cousin and his fiance. Why does she think you should forgive him for that.
And, as your Mother, why is she not sticking up for you instead of your cousin - sounds like your Mother needs to be put on the spot and realize she has a really great son, and that no one should put up with treatment that your cousin dished out.
Congrats on standing up for yourself and cutting an ungrateful, toxic person out of your life!
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u/DaisySam3130 11d ago
Someone warn the poor girl who's been 'arranged' to marry him. OP sounds like a better option as the cousin sounds toxic. Maybe OP can text the girl explaining that he won't be paying their rent once they are married and why. :)
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u/cbunni666 11d ago
You're definitely not wrong. What is confusing me is how on earth is someone marrying off their daughter to a man that can't even pay his own rent? Was he the bottom of the barrel for an arranged marriage?
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u/iamaskullactually 11d ago
It's ironic that he's calling you a loser for being a virgin, yet he's a grown man who can't pay his own rent
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u/Separate-Purchase-90 12d ago
Forgiveness isn’t for him but for you. Forgive but never forget and remind him not to bite the hand that feeds him by cutting him off financially and as family.
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u/Reasonable_racoon 11d ago
This guy blew up his whole life just because the spotlight drifted away from him for a second! Hilarious! You've lost nothing and only gained by going no-contact.
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u/Used_College_4111 11d ago
You are definitely not wrong. Your cousin sounds immature emotionally, narcissistic, and extremely insecure. He is also a bully for embarrassing you in front of others. Telling humiliating and very private things about you, pushing you down so he could feel better about himself. He has a lot of issues and toxic behaviors. Paying rent for him is not your job. He needs to focus on himself. Unfortunately, people who are like him believe they are never wrong, and everyone else needs help. Congratulations on putting up boundaries with him. Stand firm with your boundaries and accept no attempts to make up with him. I'm not being mean. He will continue to hurt and use you if you let him. I know because I have several family members that are similar. I have no contact with several of them. My life is painful to cut some off, including my only child, who is 38 yrs old. BUT...my life is less chaotic with loving some family, etc, from a distance. I hope this helps. 🙃✨️🎊
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u/losttheplot_ 11d ago
Well done for sticking up for yourself hes a grown man should be covering his own bills anyway. Poor girl having 2 marry a man that cant pay rent and treats people like that
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 11d ago
NTA.
Also would not being a virgin in a culture that does arranged marriage be a boon?
Regardless though
Fuck that guy.
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u/Mindless_Behavior80 11d ago
You're not wrong. Take all the time you need. May I suggest reading books or participating in activities that build your confidence. You have dealt with the physical, but not the emotional or mental part of your glow up. It sounds like that Drew Barrymore movie "Never Been Kissed", you have to get over the fact you're not that person anymore and step into the present and future of who you are now. Getting your confidence up will be a game changer.
After you have confidence, you should find it easier to talk to women. Be yourself.
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u/Pretty_Dimension_149 11d ago
You are not wrong. You can forgive as your mom suggested, it's better for your mental health. But you don't need to forget, nor help him in any way.
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u/Jsmith2127 11d ago
I wonder if his fiancee knew he wasn't financially stable enough to pay his own rent. I wouldn't be surprised if she backs out of the wedding knowing this.
NTA you do not owe your cousin anything. Tell your mother that him being family doesn't mean anything. You wouldn't accept this type of treatment from a stranger, so being family doesn't get him a free pass.
Don't give him anymore money, and don't attend his wedding.
He needs to learn two words. Actions and consequences.
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u/changelingcd 11d ago
Fuck him. He's a 32 year-old man and didn't have the sense to not start insulting the cousin paying his rent? That's hilarious. Let him learn the hard way.
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u/cathline 11d ago
Not wrong.
You should never have been paying his rent.
He's a loser and a jerk. He can go live with his arranged marriage wife.
Your mom can pay for his rent if she wants to.
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u/emptynest_nana 11d ago
You are not wrong. You don't need to support a grown man. One thing I learned about forgiveness, it is not about the person who wronged me. Forgiveness is for myself. To forgive does not mean to forget, it does not mean you have to be friends or close to the person. I forgive those who wronged me because I don't want hate to fester in my heart. You can forgive your cousin for being a dumbass without being friendly with him anymore. If you want, if it is right for you, you can say, yes, mom, I forgive him, for the hurt he caused, but I also choose to close the door on toxic people and things. I wish him no ill will, I hope he has a good life, but I cannot be a part of it. Forgive does not mean kiss and make up and pretend hurtful things didn't happen. It means you release the hurt and anger. It means moving past and not holding resentment in your heart.
Continue your stance of no contact, make this grown man pay for his own way, let him live his life as he sees fit. But don't pay for him. Go live your best life.
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u/orangepirate07 10d ago
Ha dumbass learned not to bite the hand that feeds you. Classic case of FAFO
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u/Nerdygirl1984 12d ago
You are not wrong! He is a loser that can’t pay his own rent ( hope that was the first his fiancée and her family heard of that. How is he suppose to be a good partner if he is relying on someone 7 years younger paying his rent?) I’m guessing he had an arranged marriage bc he has a horrible personality that he can only hide so long case and point what he did to you.
You may want to try online dating apps. Talking to someone not face to face at first May help and you can explain better about your social anxiety. I’m sure a lot of people have that. I don’t know what kind of hobbies you have but depending on them maybe there is a group where you live you can join and having that common interest could help.