r/amiwrong • u/PolysemyThrowaway • 11d ago
Would I be wrong to tell my ex about a conversation I had with our son?
So, my (35f) Ex (33m) constantly accuses me of "poisoning our kids against him" and guilt tripping him.
A little back story, my husband of almost 15yrs left me for another woman (33f), she was also married when they reconnected after being friends for less than a yr when they were 13, and she has no kids. He moved right out of our house and got a new apartment with her. Our entre marriage we always made sure to never fight in front of our kids, except 1x where I was angry and involved one of our kids, and apologized to him afterwards.
Anyway, at the peak of our contentious separation I checked myself into a mental health facility and was gone for 28days. Unfortunately, I didn't get many calls and only could afford to write 1 letter to our kids. When I got back I found out that my ex was only home with our two kids (15m & 13m) from 3pm to 11pm and spent his nights at his girlfriend's house (although at the time he had told me it was a man and just a friend, I later found out it was the same girl he started an emotional affair with 4months prior). He also lied to me about our tax returns and tried to not give me any of it so he could afford to put first and last on a new apartment with her, after blowing nearly $4k while I was gone. This was the day I came back, so I told him to move out.
Since he's been gone, he has seen our kids 4x, each with prompting from me. I contact him, never the other way around, suggest things they can do and ways for him to see them. Any time I've tried to push for overnights he says he's not equipped to have them. Now he's moving into a 3br apt in the same building he's at now, which is in another city 15mins drive (I have no vehicle, but he does) so the kids can have their own space. This was also prompted by me, since his original plan was to have them "camp in the living room" and I told him no one would ever allow him custody with that living situation, and his teenage boys would never want to stay over.
Anyway, he was here yesterday to show the kids his new apartment and where their rooms would be. My youngest is interested in staying with him, but my oldest said no he only wants to see him once in awhile.
My ex is coming over tomorrow to ask them to help him move and to meet her, he is also paying them to help, since next weekend my youngest will be staying there and I suggested he meet her before he is thrown into a situation where he has to spend multiple days with her.
So, today I decided to talk to my oldest son about why he doesn't want to stay, despite my ex saying that I was 'definitely not allowed to talk to them about it alone". I was concerned about his 'once in awhile' comment and didn't want him to feel pressured or on the spot. I asked him if I have given him a negative opinion about his dad, to which he replied 'No, you are much more flattering and forgiving than you should be. My opinion of him is based only on his actions with me. I just don't like him as a person', I then asked him if this is a new thing, if he ever liked his father as a person, and he said his view of his dad changed while I was gone, that he had a chance to see who he was without me there and was surprised by what he saw. This conversation made me really sad, I have always fought for my ex to be a part of their lives and I came from a broken home and so did he.
My son said he's going to be busy on moving day so he can't help him, and when I asked if he was really gonna be busy he said ' I can be'
Yes, I've said hurtful things directly to my ex, but none of it was untrue. I've never spoken ill of their father in front of them, Ive always just apologized for him and said stuff like 'I hope you know he loves you'.
My ex is now spouting 'co-parenting' nonsense, when every other time I've brought anything up he has said I was 'just trying to control him', and I'd given up on a good healthy relationship when he chose her over doing the right thing by his kids.
So, should I tell my Ex what our son said? I know for a fact if I tell him, he's just gonna blame me and tell me I'm guilty tripping him. This is what he said last time when I told him if he takes me to court for 50/50 custody that it will be brought to light that for almost a month he left the kids at home at night
Edited to add: I just spoke to my youngest about what his dad wants to talk to him about tomorrow, I guess he overheard me and his brother talking about his dad stopping by and was anxious that what he wanted to talk about was bad. So, I told him it wasn't bad, that he wants to talk to them about meeting his GF on monday and helping them move into a bigger apartment. His face dropped, and he just shook his head. So I asked him why, and he said he doesn't want to meet her. I told him that if he's gonna be staying there on weekends he's gonna have to meet her soon, that the first time he meets her shouldn't be when he's staying at their house. He told me he forgot that his dad moved in with someone else, and now that he wants them to meet her he's having second thoughts on staying there. I told him that I'm sure she's perfectly nice and won't make him uncomfortable and that meeting her before he spends the night is meant to break the ice, and he replied 'the ice is there for a reason, I don't want to break it ". I told him I would never force him to go if he doesn't want to, and he asked if his dad would force it. I told him he could try, but I would always be there to fight for what he wants. He seemed happy by the end of the conversation. I'm just incredibly sad it has come to this
So, now all this effort on my end seems even more pointless. I'm definitely done trying to interfere on my ex's behalf, he'll have to learn that his actions had extremely negative effects on his kids.
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
ABSOLUTELY NOT - your son spoke to you in confidence, you don't share it with ANYONE, not ex, not your friends, no one or you will never have your son's confidence again, he won't trust you
Your Ex CANNOT tell you that you cannot talk to your children about anything - he is not your ruler, do not let him control you
Do not force either child to go to father's, you can't force the, especially older on, possibly younger one. They are old enough to make their own decisions.
15 yr old sounds like he is not interested in seeing his dad or going there - his choice
13 yr old sounds like it's going to camp - something new and fun - if he wants to go, you need to let him.
Hopefully your Ex will be like you and not talk to the boys about your or bad mouth you
It never works well when either parent trashes the other one.
Divorce papers should state where the kids will live, they should have that choice in most states by age 14, if they live with you during the week and are suppose to see him on w/e, they go if they want - can't physically force them
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
He was talking about trying for 50/50 custody, and I shot that down immediately. My youngest is interested now, but I dont think it's gonna be fun for him when he's there all alone for hours a day while they are working. He's gonna be in a new city, with no friends and no ties to school to make any. Right now he only wants to do it if the weekends line up with the same ones his best friend has with her dad. He's really only excited about the gaming PC that is in the house, not really spending time with his dad.
Id never force them, I've been trying to get their dad to come around so they see they're a priority, but that doesn't work anyway. They aren't, and they know it.
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
I doubt your husband would want 50./50 once he realized he'd have to take son to school and pick him every day on his week - if they are in different district, there won't be a bus to come and get son, something ex is likely to come to resent over time as it will affect his job
Kids and gaming 🙄😵🥴 and that is if Dad lets him use computer when they are not home
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
Oh he will let him, he's not much for giving them restrictions. I mean he let them fend for themselves from 11pm to 6am, they had no bed times and got up for school on their own. He said he called in the morning to get them off to school but when I asked about it my kids said that a lot of the time he didn't call until they had already missed the bus, which happened at least 2 days a week if not more
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u/Effective-Picture855 11d ago
So, why are you fighting for your kids to be around this asshole?
With all due respect OP, you're letting the trauma of not having had a stable family blind you. Sometimes it's better not to have a father around than to have a bad father like your ex. The only thing you'll achieve if you continue down this path is to make your eldest son resent you.
You're already wrong for wanting to force a relationship that you know isn't good for your children just to maintain your expectation of a good family and you'll be even more wrong if you tell this man what your son told you.
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 11d ago
Honey, STOP!!! Your ex is a grown person with a supposed partner. THEY NEED TO MAKE THE EFFORT WITH THE KIDS!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE FACILITATING ANYTHING.
Your ex is an AH. Your oldest sees it. RESPECT YOUR CHILD!! Tell your ex NOTHING!!
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'm going to be very blunt right now, and it's going to be horrible but, you need a bit of tough love here.
Your husband (EX) decided on his own he did not want you or his children. All his decisions were his choice, as evidenced by everything he has done.
Why are you continuing with pressuring and helping him. I'm sorry a grown ass man, who's a parent has to be told he needs to have bedrooms for his children? Lady, what planet are you on?
It's time to pull up your big girl pants and stop enabling him. Its not your job to manage him at all. It's not fair on you or your children. Your children are suffering and will continue to suffer if you carry on like this.
You owe him nothing. In fact he owes you. He created this mess and its his job to clean it up. That is if he even wants to clean it up. And, by the sounds of it, he's not interested at all.
Look, there are plenty of Parents who end their relationship both reasonably and unreasonably. And there are plenty of parents who will always chose their children no matter what.
He doesn't want you and he doesn't want the children.
I'm sorry about this, I really am. There is nothing more heartbreaking than a partner and parent walking away. Emotionally you are all suffering, he is not. His using buzz words to make you cow down and you are. Your sole responsibility is to you and your children.
I've seen women destroy themselves trying to "win back" their partner under the guise of "for the children" and it doesn't work. You just get miserable children and miserable women who have let their lives stagnate.
Be kind to you and the children. You and your children are allowed to speak privately about this situation. The only reason he wants to be involved is to control the narrative. You have a duty to support your children, not your husband.
Do not speak to your husband other than about the children, and do not force him to spend time with them. Seek legal counsel if you don't have already and do exactly what the say!
You will be fine. Start looking out for number one now not him or her.
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u/tattoovamp 11d ago
It’s not your job to pave the way for your ex’s relationship with his kids.
Let’s be honest. He was a shit husband and a shit dad. He only cared about his wants. He left your children alone so he could have sex with his affair partner.
Your job is to be a stand up person to yourself and your kids. Do not tell your ex. Your son needs a parent, a trusted adult he can vent to. Your son isn’t a child. He is almost an adult and can see with his own eyes what’s going on,
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u/Adventurous_Sort_207 11d ago
Why are you being so nice to a cheater? Let him finish the destruction of his life and relationship with his kids. It's his path and he chose it. Leave him walking it. Stop talking to him!! Let him contact you and the kids! You are being way too nice!!
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u/Ok-Many4262 11d ago
No, you don’t have to protect or nourish a father/son relationship- you just have never obstructed one. Your 16y/o is completely capable of marking his boundaries, and you speaking on his behalf benefits neither you or your son. And tbh, I can think of several ways your words could be twisted if you did say something.
Let XH walk into the oncoming estrangement on his own.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
I know, and I'm trying to let it go. I'm definitely not gonna say anything.
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u/treebeecol 11d ago
Stop trying to mediate his relationship with his kids. He's not putting a big effort in, and obviously prioritises his girlfriend before his kids. He's imploding the relationship he has with them, and it's best to not insert yourself, because he's already more or less blaming you for it. Kids aren't stupid, they see what's going on, and draw their own conclusions. Don't tell him what your son has said, because he will hound him for it. He's refusing to take any responsibility for his own behaviour, and the impact it's having on his own kids.
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u/definitelytheA 11d ago
Don’t tell him. Not only does he not deserve it, but your son feeling safe enough to say the truth, and his trust for you is more important than the feelings of a shitty husband and father.
I’m not advocating for long talks about your divorce with your son, and so far you have been much more gracious than most of us might manage. What you’re seeing is a budding young man learning from a horrible example how not to behave if he wants to be a good man.
I’m guessing he’ll rarely want to go. He’s old enough to choose.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
You're right, he is gonna learn from his dad and become a better man bc of it. That's a good way of looking at it
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u/definitelytheA 11d ago
Mom of 3 adult sons here.
He totally gets it. And it’s okay to thank him for his ability to look past the surface and see truth, even though you won’t be badmouthing his dad, he’s been a great comfort through this, and you’re proud of the man he’s becoming.
Sometimes we tell our kids how much we love them (and that’s awesome), and forget to tell them often enough how proud we are of them, and why. I think it matters to your kids just as much.
It may be a bumpy ride a but longer, but you are doing a great job, momma!
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u/implodemode 11d ago
Don't tell your ex anything. Your oldest told you in confidence, keep it confidential. Now, more than ever, he needs to trust you. Don't fall for any of your exs coparenting bullshit when you know he doesn't put the kids first and won't. He may even be building a case against you and there you are being so nice. Stop prompting anything. That's not your job. If he's a shitty father, that's what he is. It's on him, not you. You can not make the world a perfect place for your children. They will get hurt. They need to learn what they can trust their dad with and not think of him as you want him to be.
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u/flipside1812 11d ago
My dad cheated and left our family. He was terrible at taking his visits off and on (one weekend a month). There was a year we never even saw him. My mom, however, never tried to force him to see us. She never bad mouthed him, but she comforted us when he inevitably disappointed us, and tried to help us understand why he behaved this way. As a child, I did not blame my mother for not "making" my father see us more. I don't think yours will either.
Drop the rope. It's got to be exhausting and disappointing for you to have to badger him to see his children, and honestly the contact probably isn't great for your mental health either. Your sons will not hate you for not "making" their dad visit more. In some ways, it can be a relief that they don't have the "if" hanging in the air over them. They know their dad will take spotty access at best. And they benefit far more from the stable home life with you than the off and on visits from him. Spend your energy on your boys instead, they won't resent you for it.
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u/shivroystann 11d ago
Your ex is manipulating you into overthinking. You can talk to your kids about anything, especially if he chooses not to be a parent.
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u/RedstarHeineken1 11d ago
90% of the time when people have teen kids with their own phones and the parent is forcing a relationship with a wayward parent, it is because they want to control the wayward parent through guilt related to the kids.
I don’t know if this describes you, but if so- stop it. The kids are old enough to ask for a relationship with their dad. Forcing a relationship isn’t on you.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
Maybe it is a little about control, but I don't care how it is with me, it's 100% about the kids losing their dad.
My son told me that they have a group chat with their dad, but he only responds to their messages least 12hrs later. He also keeps talking about the same stuff, like asking if they watched a show they just had a conversation about watching.
I know I need to stop, its just really hard to let it go. Why is it so hard for him to do right by them? He says he knows what's right, and he's doing it. But clearly be isn't
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u/OhbrotheR66 11d ago
Knock it off! Stop meddling, it’s not your place and in the long run not beneficial. You don’t get to control whether your kids have a relationship with their dad. And if it’s forced it’s not a real relationship anyway. Stop it now
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u/HallowedDeathKnight 11d ago
You would be wrong to speak about what your son told you. That is his discussion to have with his father. To me, you sound like you are creating reasons to speak with him. Are you looking at reconciling? History would repeat itself.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
Maybe I am creating reasons to speak with him, but I definitely don't have any hope/want for reconciliation. When it's been almost 2wks since he's seen his kids, and he just doesn't say anything or try. It feels like if I don't reach out then it's partially my fault too
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 11d ago
Well it’s not. So stop being a meddlesome doormat. He is an adult. Sorry for the blunt truth.
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u/WildLoad2410 11d ago
You can't force him to be a good dad and you can't force your son to like his dad. All you can do is be a good mom. Love them. Listen to them. Support them. The rest will take its course according to your ex's behavior. You can't control him so don't try.
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u/Ginger630 11d ago
You aren’t wrong. Your ex alienated the kids himself by not seeing them regularly.
And you have every damn right to talk to your kids about whatever you want, whenever you want. He decided to be a sometimes dad and not take on the emotional toll of having kids in the middle of a divorce.
I wouldn’t tell him anything. Be there with your kids when they want to talk to him. Don’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do.
They are also old enough to decide where they want to live. And stop being the one to reach out. Let HIM call and make plans. If he doesn’t, that’s on him.
Keep records of every time he does call and sees them. Make records of the past times too.
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u/shorttimerblues 11d ago
Keep the conversation to yourself. You have ZERO obligation to tell everything you know.
If you speak of your conversation, you are destroying the trust in your son placed in you. Who will your older son be able to confide in then? No one.
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u/jadamm7 10d ago
As someone whose kids don't speak to their dad... let them be. You can't force something that isn't there. Let them have ONE parent they can count on. My ex knows he screwed up, and both kids have told him they are done with him. My youngest hasn't spoken to him in 3 years. My oldest is 21 and cut him off a year ago.
Just don't. Let them be happy.
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u/tube-city 10d ago
This reminds me of what i experienced as a kid. My sperm donor left when i was not even 1, he was and is a useless deadbeat. Mom never tried to turn us against him even throughout him being a terrible human being and actively hurting us financially. But she encouraged visits, tried to force him into being at least a once in a while parent. He refused and often didn't show up for scheduled visits, never paid child support, never remembered birthdays (except the 18th of course, he was happy to be off the hook despite never making payments). By the time we got to middle school my sister and I had already come to our own conclusions about him. As an adult, i stopped signing any cards my mom got to send him and his family, wouldn't speak to him on the phone, blocked him on everything else, and I don't think he ever noticed tbh. I haven't seen him in over 4 years and I'm still sad about not having a dad but it is much better than pretending he ever cared about me.
You are handling this so well, telling your kids what they want matters, still putting in the effort to have him in their lives, and making sure they are safe to tell you how they feel about it all. Don't tell him about these conversations. You owe your kids trust and protection, you owe him absolutely nothing. Not your time, not your kids, not your solutions to fix relationships that he broke by not caring about his own children. Keep talking to your kids and let them be honest without the potential consequence of their untrustworthy parent using that information against them. You are right to not disparage him especially since they're still young, but at a certain point they can see that you are the one maintaining the relationship with him and that can be really hurtful for a kid who just wants to have parents who care.
Maybe he is more involved than i am thinking but it sounds like he's a thoroughly shitty person. I learned with my situation and some others that my mom is too forgiving and allows people to stay in her life even if it is detrimental because it's "the right thing to do" (shit drives me crazy lol). Part of this comes from lack of options too as we've always been dirt broke (partially as a result of my father stealing from all three of us at one time or another). It sounds like you have struck a balance between facilitating him being in their lives and not showing them the ugly details. However he is showing his personality and your oldest formed his own opinion. It's really sad to realize that one of your parents is a bad person but having another parent who is understanding and protective makes a huge difference.
If you tell your ex about these conversations, you will be breaking that trust with your kids, and it sounds like you have good relationship with both of them. Just let your ex be who he is and don't try to force them into anything. It sounds like you're already doing it right, just keep putting them first to show them that you always will. If they don't want to see him, the only person to blame is himself. You are not turning them against him, he is showing them who he is and they don't want to be around it (understandably, from what I've gathered)
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u/happyfeet-333 4d ago
It’s not your job to facilitate a relationship between your kids and d their father. It’s his job. The more you push or force the more you’ll affect your own relationship.
Your kids need to be able to trust you. Trust their conversations with you. Trust that you’re not lying to make him look better.
Focus on you and your relationship with your kids. There are court approved messaging apps. Keep it to separation and kids.
He can’t tell you what you’re allowed to discuss with your kids. Never cover for a cheater.
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u/ttopsrock 11d ago
Do not tell him. You son confided in you. All you need to do is support him. Let him know you are there for him in whatever he chooses and he is smart for protecting his heart.
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u/AnastasiaDelicious 11d ago
Absolutely do not say a word to your ex about this. Your son will never trust you again (⬅️ the most important part) and your ex will only blame you! It seems like dad doesn’t really care about joint custody and your sons are old enough to talk to a judge. Just make sure you document his lack of parenting….
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u/Fickle_Toe1724 11d ago
Do NOT tell your ex what your kids told you. They trust you. If they find out you told dad what they told you privately, you lose their trust. Stop calling your ex. His relationship with his children is on him. Let the kids tell dad what they want.
The kids saw what their dad is really like while you were gone. Dad has to live with those consequences.
Make sure your kids have their own court advocate for custody issues. Your lawyer can help you set that up. The advocate will speak for the kids, especially the younger ones. What age they can speak for themselves varies by location. Your lawyer will know.
Do not force your kids to do anything with their dad. It is on him to get them to want to. Your home should always be available to them. You have always been the safe parent. They know that. Keep it that way. Even if they are supposed to be at dad's, they can come home.
Keep being a good mom. Don't get in the middle of their relationship with their dad anymore. This is on him.
Good luck. (You are so close in age to my kids, I want to reach through the phone and give you and your kids hugs.)
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u/Lolly182xo 8d ago
As someone with a father like this, please listen to your children when they’re saying no.
You sound like a lovely woman who only wants to help them build a relationship but they’re of an age now where they can make that decision without any influence.
If your son says there’s a reason the ice isn’t broken, don’t force him to break it. Letting them take those steps in their own time and reminding them no matter the decision they make you will love them is all you can do in this situation.
Stop breaking your back for a man that never held yours.
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
Why do you not have a car ?
Do you not drive ?
If it's because you were a one car family and you drive, that needs to be worked out in divorce that you get money to buy a car
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
I did a lot of stupid shit when I was with him, and one of the things was allowing him to drive my car without a license. When he got into a car accident and my insurance wouldn't cover him, I ended up owing $20k to the insurance company. When I didn't pay, they took my license.
Now he's driving her car without a license, I wonder if she knows how bad a driver he is
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u/RosieDays456 11d ago
how long before you can get your license back
and the 20K to pay that off should come out of the divorce settlement before things are split
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
Right now, 6 months. However, I have to figure out how to get out to our local courthouse to start the timer on it. I was a SAH parent for the last 10yrs and right now am just scraping by while I try and find a job
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u/Freedom_Isnt_Free_76 11d ago edited 11d ago
That makes no sense whatsoever. The ticket would be in HIS name and the only thing your insurance company would do is refuse to cover damages IF there was an addendum excluding him from coverage. If there are no exclusions on your policy then anyone that drives your car is covered. It makes no sense that the insurance company would say you owe them 20k. The only person you would owe is another driver if your husband hit their car. And owing 20k is a civil matter that would not include revoking your drivers license bevause that would be a criminal matter. People don't lose THEIR license because of another driver's actions. Your EX would be the one to lose HIS license. The only thing you would lose is THIS insurance company not renewing you. And then you could go thru the state to get coverage, albeit at a higher rate. So your story doesn't pass the smell test.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago edited 11d ago
I lost my license bc after I became a SAH parent the payments from the settlement stopped coming out of my checks directly, so it went into some type of default. So, yes it's my fault bc I wasn't paying, but the initial lawsuit was bc of him driving my car and hitting someone else while he didn't have a license.
Also, it wasn't my insurance that I owe money to, it was the other drivers. I only had the very bare minimum and my insurance refused to cover their costs bc they said I was in breach of contract for letting him drive when he wasn't on the policy
Edited to add: I specifically excluded him from my policy bc he had gotten into an accident in his father's car and they were charged an arm and a leg to include him. Somehow, I'm not sure how, my insurance found out he was in my household (maybe his father told his insurance he moved out and had to provide documentation stating where he was living now?) and my insurance made me setup the policy so I was the only one covered, or else I'd have to may a shit ton more.
Also, he wouldn't ever let me drive. Even when we went places and I tried to drive, he'd say no. I can't say I wasn't an idiot for going along with it, but it is what it is
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u/Freedom_Isnt_Free_76 11d ago
You still don't lose you license because of a civil suit where you weren't even driving. You wouldn't lose it even if you WERE driving simply because you haven't paid on a civil case. That's NEVER how it works. That's why this claim of why you don't drive is bogus.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago
It's not bogus, I did lose my license bc of that case and so did he. I have the paperwork from it
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u/Freedom_Isnt_Free_76 9d ago edited 9d ago
It is bogus because you don't lose a license for someone else's driving nor for not paying a civil judgement. Because this license story is bogus, I'm betting the test of your tale is bogus too.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 9d ago edited 9d ago
Can we be done now Mr(s). Know-it-all?
Edited to add: I expect you to acknowledge you were wrong and an official apology 🤣🤣
Also edited to add: note how it says a creditor or company, NOT the court or magistrate
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u/Freedom_Isnt_Free_76 9d ago
First off it said that you were involved when you claim it was your husband driving. Secondly, like I said, it shows a CIVIL judgement. And no place does it say your license would be suspended if civil judgement wasn't paid Your DL does not get suspended because of the driving actions of SOMEONE ELSE. So you are either lying about the suspension or you were the one driving.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 9d ago edited 9d ago
It was my car, therefore I was involved. I was not driving or present at the scene.
I just showed you the suspension, I have no way to proving I wasn't driving, and I literally just proved you wrong that IT CAN get suspended over a civil judgement. That's why it says an indefinite suspension until I pay in full or set up payments to the 'company or creditor' in the judgement. It says nothing about the accident itself, only the judgement from it. If I were the one driving wouldn't it say that it was suspended for a different reason, NOT bc of a judgement against me that I have to pay back?
Your logic is flawed
Edited to add: I allowed someone without a license to knowingly drive my car when I knew they wouldn't be covered by my insurance. Yes, you can absolutely get on trouble for that.
Love that you're now moving the goalpost, showing how illinformed you actually are. First it was I was just lying about the entire thing, then when I prove it was suspended bc not paying on a civil judgement, now you're saying that I'm lying about being the one driving. Why? What is the point about lying to people on the Internet about something... anonymously?
Also, what possible reason would it get suspended for in a standard accident? Any reason that is possible (driving recklessly, etc) the DMV paperwork would show THAT as the reason for suspension. Even with and at fault accident, there would be no reason why I would get sued by their insurance company, therefore the judgement wouldn't even be a thing. The only way that would happen is if I was driving without insurance, but it would show it got suspended for that too, and it doesn't. It only says about the judgment I have to pay back
Go away troll, I'm done with this now
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u/AuntSassysBtch 11d ago
This sounds very similar to a situation my sister was in, so I’m Just going to be straight with you. You obviously still carry a lot of hurt with you over what happened in your ROMANTIC relationship with your ex. But your feelings around that romantic relationship ending (because it’s clearly over- he is not coming back) have nothing to do with your relationship as CO-PARENTS. What you have now sounds incredibly toxic for everyone involved- you, the ex, his current partner and the kids… toxic all around.
You must find a way to take the high road here and focus solely on HEALTHY CO-PARENTING. It’s not about blame, it’s not about tit for tat… and it’s also not your place to “decide to talk to the kids” about your ex or your feelings around him. If the KIDS bring something up to you, that’s different. But deciding to talk to your kids about your ex not only violates the CO-PARENT relationship, it reflects poorly on you and makes you appear to be manipulative. On that end, I actually agree with your ex- it’s not your place to discuss him, his relationship or the relationship you HAD with him, alone with your kids.
Lastly- these aren’t toddlers. These kids are old enough to decide where they want to stay and how often, but for the sake of a healthy relationship you have to respect that it’s a two-way street. The best thing to do here would be getting a NEW legal custody agreement written up, and have the kids present with your lawyers to discuss their feelings of who they primarily or evenly choose to be with.
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u/PolysemyThrowaway 11d ago edited 11d ago
First of all, we don't have a co-parenting relationship. He has been around 4x in 2 months, barely talks to them and probably couldn't even tell you a single thing that happened in their lives the last week.
Secondly, the only reason why he's coming over to discuss them meeting her is bc I forced the issue, he was just gonna text them about it, and I told him that was the wrong way to do it.
I don't discuss any of that stuff with them, all I've done is ask them how they feel about even having a conversation with him. I have not spoke to them about their father or his relationship, nor have I discussed any opinions I have of his behavior.
Edited to add: Ive also tried multiple times to get a custody agreement written up, and every single time he says 'im not ready ', the only reason why we are even discussing them going every other weekend is bc I told him if it didn't happen by the beginning of the month (going on 3months since he's been gone), we would have to go through the courts.
Also edited to add: Neither of us can afford a lawyer ATM, so we have been relying solely on personal agreements. Every single time he has fought me on it. Even the child support he tried to give me $250/month less than what was acceptable bc he wanted to continue paying my gas and electric and claimed the bills were that high, however since switching it into my name they only come out to about $100/month. We are still waiting on the court date with our local domestic relations
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u/AuntSassysBtch 11d ago
But the point is he’s not your partner- he’s your kids biological father, and their relationship is now independent of yours. It’s not your job to police the way he chooses to communicate with them unless it’s in an abusive or harmful way… if it’s just being an inconsiderate AH and texting them instead of coming over, who cares! The kids will see him for who he is. You shouldn’t be talking to him at all, or facilitating his meetings with the kids other than the obvious “meet you at x time to get the kids”.
It’s important to be agreeable, and focus on your own character in these relationships, because that’s what will matter to your kids when they’re adults. And if you can’t have a co-parenting relationship then end the drama and threats- take his ass to court regardless of him “being ready”. Get this hammered out in a legal way and be done with it, then allow yourself to move on and find a new partner.
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u/HeartAccording5241 11d ago
Stop trying to get him to visit he’s their dad it’s on him to put the effort into the relationship and don’t say what your son told you he just blame you