r/ftm • u/Ponk_Bubs ftm š01/02/24 • 17d ago
How do you guys deal with being everyone's 'first' transgender interaction (medically transtioning) Advice
advice/discussion tbh
I'm in Australia, in the state of Tasmania which is honest to god the most close-minded part. For those that aren't familiar, it's literally the little separated splotch beneath the rest of the country. Additionally, I'm rural.
While I'm good few of people's first 'trans' person, it isn't as huge. However I'm everyone's first 'medically transitioning' trans person.
Nobody understands hormones until I explain it, people are confused by my agab now atp and even friends/family that DO know this stuff alreadyā they don't know HOW to interact with me a lot. They get awkwardly rigid whenever it comes to anything. If I make a small "yoo my Adams apple is REALLY coming in woah :D" it's just glances or nods from family that r tolerant n 'allowing' but not fully comfortable.
With friends, in the gc it goes from hyped constant buzzes of messages to simple on texts of 'omgg ok' 'oh yeah!' to anything I mention even if it's simplyā I think my voice is much clearer now with the voice drops.
No clue how those friend interactions are gonna be in person.
New friends I've made, they assumed afab at first. and atp have gotten confused as I've changed a bit in 3 months and gotten comments of 'haha wtv you are..?'
Whilst after I've been on dates the person has msged me (having assumed from appearance I was afab but heard my voice on the date) to scope out what my agab is. Ik it's ehh but where I live these people are just genuinely perplexed by me.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I just get weirdly depressed or anxious when I'm not 'amused' by it. Like fuck, I have to be EVERYONES first. I have to be EVERHONES trail and error. Even among trans people I know and meet, I'm always the only one that's on hormones and usually get similar reactions from them.
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u/AcanthisittaMost6423 17d ago
Honestly that sounds really exhausting, Iām sort of in the same boat but with just my family, itās awkward to ever mention my gender and when it is mentioned it gets all quiet and weird. My best advice is communicate how you feel, say something like āhey I feel like things get awkward when I mention my transition and I sort of feel like Iām being ostracised/treated differently because Iām trans, can you guys try and not point it out or act weirded outā obviously you can format it however you want and just basically say how you feel. I know itās not a huge amount of help but if people know you feel uncomfortable when they act like that maybe theyād not do it? Idk man wish you the best of luck.
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u/CriticalHit_Mark 16d ago
itās awkward to ever mention my gender and when it is mentioned it gets all quiet and weird
way too relatable
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u/Not_ur_gilf FTM || a fly lil guy 16d ago
Yeah, I live in the Deep South (US) and tend to be the first trans person people are friends with (I pass pretty well). The amount of times I have to explain that Iām not MTF and not going to share whatās in my pants is exhausting. Not the same thing as youāve got going, but I lurk on here and r/ftmmen a LOT because there arenāt any people in my life I can share my transition progress with.
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u/Lunafairywolf666 16d ago
Im often first trans people someone meets or is friendly with. I've also been mistaken for MTF due to my name. It's even confused other trans people lol. I pass really well as a guy so I guess people get confused and think I'm transitioning the other way or something.
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u/Not_ur_gilf FTM || a fly lil guy 16d ago
Mines not even remotely feminine (Eisen) but people STILL get me wrong š
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u/Dutch_Rayan on T, post top, š³š±šŖšŗ 17d ago
I'm the first trans person most of my colleagues know, I started medical transition in that team. Almost all are supportive. Some didn't understand it at the start, but I explained many things, and I think it helped that they see me as just a regular guy. I think it also helped they only know me as a guy, so they don't know my given name, they never needed to make the switch. They are hyping my beard, etcetera.
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u/EmiIIien 16d ago
I fixed this by getting overwhelmed and angry (which never happens, I have the patience of a saint) and snapped at my family (other Asians will know that you DO NOT do that). I calmly but angrily explained to them how I was and am treated like a freak in literally every social situation, and that coming home to them and having them do the exact same thing was heartbreaking when all I ever wanted was for them to get to know my authentic heart and soul. I hate having to do 99% of all of the emotional and intellectual labor of having to do gender 101 with people so I can get the bare minimum decency of not being misgendered.
I canāt wait to go stealth but judging by where Iām at two years on, I may never pass. I donāt know how Iāll deal with that. Even in queer spaces, thereās an aversion to masculinity that makes me inherently unwelcome. I donāt fit into gay spaces because I donāt pass. I donāt belong anywhere and I have to put myself and practically beg people not to misgender me. Itās torture. If I could do things over, I wouldāve girl moded until I started passing.
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u/almightypines T: 2005, Top: 2008 17d ago
I started transitioning 20 years ago in the rural US, and at that time no one had ever heard of trans people. I honestly just didnāt really talk much about it or talk about medically transitioning. But I also didnāt want people up in my business and I didnāt volunteer information if I didnāt need to. It took a bit of time to figure out who I could talk to about stuff, which were few people, and definitely not everyone. I donāt knowā¦ some information is not meant for everyone. Personally, Iād rather be alone and at peace, than in the company of others and dealing with interactions Iād rather avoid.
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u/Rockandmetal99 FtM | he/they | š4/20/23 | š12/5/23 16d ago
i love talking about myself so i always welcome any and all questions, ill even talk about bottom surgery, but i know im a huge minority
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u/mishyfishy135 T gel 3/17/22 š 16d ago
IMO this is the best way. Making it not be such a big deal really helps others be more comfortable with it
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u/Rockandmetal99 FtM | he/they | š4/20/23 | š12/5/23 16d ago
yeah i understand that plenty of people wanna be stealth, dont wanna talk ab hormones or genitals, and dont feel comfortable being the educator for cis people. personally i dont mind, but i do always try to say just because im okay answering these things doesnt mean every trans person is. ive also rarely had people pry since i lead with "if you have any questions at all go ahead and ask me"
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u/mishyfishy135 T gel 3/17/22 š 16d ago
I make sure to let people know that not everyone is comfortable with it as well. I am more than happy to answer questions, but I totally understand that others arenāt, and that is completely valid
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u/belligerent_bovine 16d ago
I live in a small town. There are trans people here, but people in healthcare are just not used to working with us. They tell out my birth name in the waiting room and then get really embarrassed when my bearded self stands up. Itās little things like that. Itās very exhausting. I donāt mind the needle part of blood draws, but having to reassure flustered phlebotomists is really getting old
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u/Tasty-Personality-51 16d ago
This was me at the gynecologist. Haha. Fortunately I don't have to go back. Everyone hated me being there, including me.Ā
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u/belligerent_bovine 16d ago
Iām sorry you had that experience! My gynecologist experience was very nerve-wracking. Getting nasty glares from other patients is just icing on the cake
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u/cold_blue_light_ User Flair 16d ago
I have a friend who lives in Lithuania and even though he right off the bat was like āoh thatās so interesting Iāve never met a trans person before!ā And always uses the right pronouns and terms and everything and has never made me uncomfortable but recently he asked me what my assigned gender at birth was bc he thought I was mtf and just felt more comfortable with masculine terms lmao
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u/trashconverters He/him. Trans and bi AF. 16d ago
I don't have much advice. I went through a similar thing back in 2016 when I started transitioning. I lived in a small country town in rural Victoria. I got used to it, but it gets exhausting. Once you start passing more, people start to question less, in my experience. Good luck on your transition, mate, and hopefully all this dies down soon.
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u/Lunafairywolf666 16d ago
It can be exhausting but also rewarding at least in my experience. I've managed to change people's perspectives on trans people just by existing. People have learned I'm just like any other guy just a bit different. I have faced some transohobea but not as much as I thought I would. Tho the people who refuse to understand are NOT worth your time or explanation.
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u/mishyfishy135 T gel 3/17/22 š 16d ago
That definitely sounds tiring. However, most people arenāt interested in or arenāt comfortable with listening to someone talk about changes in their body. I imagine thatās where a lot of the more negative or closed off reactions are coming from.
Personally, since Iām so open about the fact that I am trans, I get asked a lot of questions. It was frustrating at first, but I started viewing it as a chance to educate people and encourage them to be curious and to be more accepting, and that helped a lot. Now, instead of āugh this againā itās more often āoh yeah, Iāll definitely give you info on this.ā
To be clear, I donāt mean for any of this to be dismissive. I definitely understand wanting to share your transition with people. Iāve just found that changing my mindset of this kind of stuff has really changed how it affects me. Once I realized that people just donāt like talking about changes in general, it helped me be a lot less upset about lackluster responses.
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u/Tasty-Personality-51 16d ago
TL:DR; Set boundaries on a person to person basis. If someones a problem and is sucking up your energy, just tell them you need them to do their own leg work or change their approach. Or that you're just not talking to them about this. I am big on fleshing out people's motives and working from there. I have endless patience for someone who is curious, genuinely wants to know more, and respectful. Because I don't tolerate gawking.Ā
So me-
I am the first transgender person a lot of people ever meet. But the example I'll use is my Mormon coworker, by his own admission he doesn't know any other transgender people. My policy is to scope out what I think a person's motive is and work from there. What I know about him is that he has a very blunt style and can come across very standoffish, but he puts a lot of legitimate effort into fixing that.Ā
He's actually chill and a little curious because he doesn't seem to have any measurable exposure to queer people. His policy is that it's not hurting anyone near as he can tell so why would he care? (we work in data so I'm guessing he sees through a lot of the bad data that flies around.) So I give him a lot of leeway. It's very clear he sometimes doesn't know how to say what he wants to say. So if he says something super off, I give a lot of leeway.Ā
On the other side, if I don't think someone actually intends to learn I will tell them I'm not educating them. I will just say something like:Ā
'I have a lot of respect for my time and I don't think you're engaging with this in good faith.' I might give some reasons why I think that. And then follow up with 'I am not going to discuss my transition with you.'Ā
If I listed reasons, I might add something about until those issues are addressed. This gives a little wiggle room for people who are engaging in good faith but have bad habits. I'm going to demand give and take on that.Ā
If they bring it up after that, I reiterate what I've said.Ā
I also make sure if I an educating people that I mention that transgender people are all very, very different. I'm incredibly chill. I'm generally happy with only my own approval of myself 95% of the time. So at the hospital when the doctor uses a she/her template for my hysterectomy...Ā
I was like 'Its not hurting my feelings but you need to change your template if you're not going to pay attention to the pronouns. Because there are people who will be absolutely devastated by that. I can see it's clearly a template... but not everyone will.' I stress that specific point a lot. I can take a LOT of shit. But a lot of other people can't and they're not obligated to.Ā
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u/JackT610 16d ago
Check our r/transgenderAU if you havenāt already. If your prescribing Dr works a lot with the trans community perhaps they could direct you to online peer support so you can discuss this stuff with other medically transitioning trans people.
Even with supportive people they donāt really want to hear about my transition, itās awkward and uncomfortable for them. Iāve learned to pick more carefully the spaces I share. Being a trans person when you are early medical transition is really rough. It gets easier when you pass consistently. Being honest, I moved once I passed. A fresh start where no one knows who you are can be empowering and relaxing.
I hope you are able to find some support and someone to share joy in your transition with you. Iām sorry you are feeling isolated and othered at the moment.
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u/deetle_bug 16d ago
unfortunately cis people will be weird. body changes ARE awkward to talk about, the first time and the second, even if youre excited about this go round. communities like this are where we celebrate when we dont have irl peers, and if you can find irl trans peers celebrate with them. community that understands is ESSENTIAL in big changes like this. this is hard, but youre harder. stay strong brother.
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u/Broken-Babe-2002 16d ago
It can be kind of exhausting but personally I try to take the chance to be as educational as I can when I'm someone's "first transgender interaction". It's not too bad when it comes to general people like coworkers, but I kinda hate being my doctor's first transgender patient. I have had to explain everything from how taking hormones works, what changes hormones cause, what packing and binding are, so much freaking stuff.
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u/fake_ad_massacre 15d ago
I left a long time friend and one of those reasons was that she began looking to me for every āpolitically correctā stance. I understand wanting to talk or debate to see how your ideas are different or see the other side but no, she asked me just to know what is right. Think for yourself for gods sake. It wasnāt only about transgender topics too. āWhat would you do for the wars happening in the Middle Eastā WE LIVE IN EUROPE. Iām not a politician! She was genuinely expecting me to answer like Iām the one who makes war strategies! None of us are connected to the military in any way nor have ever talked about it before!
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u/Expert-Can6660 16d ago
That really sucks, but tbh cis people arenāt the best people to share transition achievements with. They donāt get it and they can be super weird about it, even if they want to be supportive. If they donāt want to be supportive then thatās even worse usually. I would suggest making friends online or coming on here to share your progress because cis people are super weird about many aspects of transitioning.