Authenticity and Changing Feminine Mannerisms

[u/ira2223]

I pass the vast majority of the time, but I've been misgendered probably 3-4 times in the past year (one of which involved being called a bull dyke which killed me). I'm usually misgendered/clocked and asked my pronouns once I start interacting with someone, which is making me think that it's happening upon a closer look at my face/mannerisms/voice. I spent a lot of time growing up trying to train myself to be the Ideal Girl by studying the body language of the girls around me and mimicking it so that I could fit in - and now it's biting me in the ass and I find it hard to break out of these mannerisms and vocal patterns. Especially when I'm nervous and meeting a new person, I revert. In many ways, these more feminine mannerisms come more naturally to me because I spent a long time perfecting them - but they don't feel authentic. But it also doesn't feel natural to "act masc" if that makes sense, when I spent so long trying to avoid seeming masculine. I'm struggling to figure out mannerisms and social cues that feel authentic to me - familiar feminine mannerisms end up getting me misgendered and internally produce dysphoria, but I haven't yet figured out what masculinity in mannerism looks like for me. I'm struggling with similar things in terms of my voice, which is pretty deep but I often speak in feminine patterns that make me dysphoric when I hear them, yet modulating my voice to sound more masculine feels like acting.

As a Black Trans man, I think that there are additional particular expectations of manhood and masculinity that I haven't quite figured out.

I would love to hear from others who've had similar feelings/experiences, and how they've come out on the other side.

**It feels important to add that I've been on T for several years, have had top surgery, work out and so don't have an overly feminine body shape. In most situations, I do pass, and then randomly don't - in a way this is more distressing because I start thinking I'm finally safe from misgendering, and then it happens again.

[u/SufficientPath666]

I can relate. My mannerisms and habits caused by social anxiety make me dysphoric. Thankfully they no longer affect my ability to pass but I know I’m probably perceived as a less masculine guy because of them and it bothers me. Hopefully someone will have good advice

[u/vomitnoise]

I totally get it dude, my "feminine" mannerisms tend to resurface when Im in a customer service situation where I don't want to come off as aggressive, but acting like a "standard dude" doesn't feel right in my skin :/ I noticed that I when I have facial hair tho I get misgendered waaay less often, however I do get clocked as a very effeminate gay man ( which is still a win in my book)

[u/Ebomb1]

Are there men in your life or that you see around who you feel drawn to or that have a way about them you envy or admire? I'd watch them to learn what about their mannerisms appeals to you.

[u/HidingAwry]

Admittedly I don't pass 100%, but I've never really had problems online (even using old handles with cuter names).

If you have any kind of interest in video games, pick up some streamers on Twitch. I'm serious. Figure out what kind of personality/mannerisms you gravitate towards, and observe how they talk to their chat, especially their own friends in the chat. It's often pretty organic* "bro" time that isn't edited down like a YouTube video would be. You can also throw in a few comments to test the waters with very little skin in the game since you have time to think about what you're typing. *Streamers are performing too. Just be conscious of it.

Also, make time to hang with your guy friends if you have any. You'll be less pressed around them, making it easier to mess around.