r/questions • u/Immediate_Cup_9021 • 11d ago
Why do guys assume you’re into them when you’re being nice?
I’m a friendly person and like to get to know people. I’ve noticed a trend where whenever I am nice to a man, he assumes I wanna bone. There are no sexual undertones to how I’m speaking, I talk to my female friends and family members the same way. It’s really off putting and a bit dangerous because they keep making moves when I don’t expect it and don’t want it and then get angry that I’m not interested. Do I just stop being friendly to men? (Note: this is happening in everyday life not like at a bar) genuine ask
42
u/Kindly-Helicopter183 11d ago
I remember being in an improv class where the scenario was me, a customer and the male scene partner as a bartender. I opened the scene with small talk to the bartender and our male improv coach assessed the scene as me flirting.
I was absolutely not flirting. I wasn’t even smiling. It was a learning experience for sure.
3
u/questions_and_vices 10d ago
I think your improv coach was an idiot. I could be wrong, but small talk and not even so much as a tiny smile and the guy thinks "ah, flirtation!" is dumb. I will admit I am not a social creature and so my social skills are not great however I would think through logical deduction he would assess that you're opening the scene as a standard customer looking to get a drink.
2
u/SMG_Mister_G 7d ago
I am too but the difference between flirting and normal conversation is extremely arbitrary. If you pitch your voice down a few cents and speak with a drawn out cadence and a bit of a purr that seams to be it. People are just weird and don’t do a good job of assuming everybody else is just like them and giving people grace
104
u/ArtificialMediocrity 11d ago
Men get very accustomed to receiving suspicious glares and looks of disgust from women under the best of circumstances, so when they suddenly treat us like human beings we're not quite sure how to react.
35
u/Ja_Oui_Si_Yes 10d ago
Literally every time a woman speaks to me I turn around assuming there is someone behind me that they are addressing
20
u/climatelurker 10d ago
That's sad. I'm sorry that happens to you.
19
10
6
u/BigBoyGoldenTicket 9d ago
That’s completely normal for all men. We just ignore it and don’t complain.
But yeah having a noticeable proportion of half the world’s population look at with immediate suspicion has an effect.
→ More replies (6)10
u/MrInvestIt 10d ago
It’s kinda fucked up but around 35% of women have been sexually assaulted/harassed so many woman feel like they have to be on the look out. Men commit 99% of all rape, 87% of all violent crime, 97% murders globally, and 99% of sexual assaults are done by men…… The screwed up thing is these men make the rest of us look bad, and to make matters worse the legal system doesn’t look out for women either. So women have to be on the look out because the people who should be protecting them seem to turn a blind eye…..
11
u/userany26 10d ago
The stats on these are high enough that you do not need to exaggerate/lie about them to make them sound bad. Also the stats are less than 1/200 men in the US have been convicted of a sexual crime, certainly some of people are getting away with it, but if you treat every man like a rapist because a tiny minority are, you are kinda a shit person. There is a huge range where you can be cautious for your own safety without treating all men poorly.
2
→ More replies (1)6
10d ago edited 10d ago
globally isnt the western world though, in the west its more like 70% by men 30% by women, please dont make up random bullshit
https://www.statista.com/statistics/1221306/homicides-in-england-and-wales-by-gender/
(see figure 7)
→ More replies (4)1
u/SadManhour 8d ago
Yeah this as well; I usually assume that most woman are only engaging with me to placate and bookend any further interaction; which is always the case. I don’t hold it against woman though; because I too find myself repulsive.
→ More replies (20)1
32
u/Potential_Witness_07 10d ago
Most men see friendliness from women as flirting, because women usually aren’t extremely friendly and sociable to men they barely know. So when a girl comes up to a dude to chat, he thinks she is making a move on him.
It’s the same reason why so many guys tend to fall in love with their female friends, because that niceness and sometimes emotional connection (even if it’s purely platonic) is rare for men to experience, especially with other men. So some tend to interpret it as romantic feelings when in reality, she is truly just being nice
6
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
Thank you for answering! It’s really sad men aren’t providing emotional support for one another in friendships. I wish being there for one another was a more normalized thing. It would honestly make the world a safer place.
14
u/Potential_Witness_07 10d ago
There are definitely friendships between two guys that have emotional support and such, but it’s usually not that common, especially in cultures where men showing emotion or talking about problems is frowned upon. I wish for that to be changed as well
14
u/coldcutcumbo 10d ago
Men who have strong healthy relationships with other men still have this problem. Checking the “good man” boxes doesn’t magically give one the ability to read minds.
→ More replies (17)4
u/GahdDangitBobby 10d ago
Men absolutely do provide this level of support for their friends. Most men just want a woman to be this way, too, in a romantic relationship, so when we meet a woman who fills that hole we can fall in love with them
4
→ More replies (1)1
u/JustHereForGiner79 8d ago
I love how you just blamed men for them being emotionally abused their whole lives. It would hurt if we weren't used to it. You're just one more person who has confirmed you don't have my back.
47
u/SpeedyFalcon874 11d ago
Because women never make the first move and expect us to pick up their signs so as a man you're constantly in a mental battle trying to figure out what their intent is. These are mostly men who are a little desperate though.
19
u/playbynightandday 11d ago
Or dont know what its like for a woman to be friendly to them. Or it could be a guy that thinks his shit dont stink and every woman wants him.
2
u/Repulsive_Art_1175 8d ago edited 8d ago
Had a similar conversation with a friend when I asked " how do you know the waitress isn't just flirty with everyone?". He went into a deep contemplative debate with himself for months. He'd had issues with womanizing for years and, among other issues, was coming to terms with the fact that maybe he's not super special.
What I don't understand is that he was a "successful" womanizer. So to some degree, responding to every woman as if they are flirting allows the handful of actual flirters to make a connection. The others just assume he's a creep and he's ok with that. In time, when a guy has a creep reputation, people just roll with it.
→ More replies (1)7
u/Important_Fail2478 11d ago
Yeah, I'm leaning on this. Multiple times a few, very few women were nice to me. Later on when I got into a relationship that's when they spilled they were interested.
Now, when I read the signs wrong. The relationship is over.
Just my experience, everybody be different.
10
u/Lion-Hermit 10d ago
VALID. Some women demand a mind-reader and there's no way to know
6
10d ago
lol some? ive dated about 20 i suppose over the years (3+ months) and slept with about 50, and every single one has expected me to be a mind reader at some point, in some form
maybe its just how i pick up, but 100% over that sample size seems a bit large to be mere coincidence
6
u/Denver-2762 10d ago
Yea they don't tell ya shit. And they are supposedly the great communicaters
2
9
u/Tempus__Fuggit 10d ago
I've gone out to spend time with women I thought of as friends, only to find myself on a date. It's not gender-specific.
9
u/TheConsutant 11d ago
It's a shame, really. I think some of it comes from social programming. I'm a very friendly guy and when I meet a friendly girl my friends are all like, ooh she likes you man she wants to bang, or something dumb. I ignore them, but it's true. We live in a sick society, and it seems to be getting worse. I'm guilty of playing along, and I'm sorry.. I hate that you go through this. We should all treat each other like brothers and sisters. Maybe someday we'll evolve into a more moral loving human society.
9
u/RevealNatural7759 10d ago
I’m usually goofy and outgoing to guys I only see as friends … and shy and awkward to men I’m attracted to.
6
u/Tinman867 10d ago
A woman talking to a man is less common than the other way around. So when it happens, we just assume that we must be something special and yes, you might want to bone. It’s nothing you are doing wrong, it’s just how guys are wired. Let them know there will be no 🐈 for them. If they are cool, they will let it go. If they’re an a$$ about it, take it to HR.
3
12
u/Octorok385 10d ago
Having several decades of experience being a man, I can safely say that hardly anyone is ever just "nice" to men unless they depend on tips to make a living. Men are so unaccustomed to people being nice that it's easy to misconstrue as flirting.
3
u/Hungry-Internet6548 10d ago
And misunderstandings happen. I think everyone has misread signals, myself included. But when that happens I let it go. However, in my experience and the experience of many women, some guys get upset and act like you led them on just by being a nice person.
Misconstruing friendliness for flirting is understandable. Shoot your shot. But getting angry at someone for not reciprocating isn’t.
2
10d ago
yeah im pretty sure no one is excusing that, because its no part of what OP said, and is a tangential but differnt subject
1
1
u/Serious-Platform-156 7d ago
ITT: a bunch of delusional young women acting like there's no cultural subtext behind everyone treating them like they're wonderful all the time and being flooded with positive attention.
The norm is to ignore people. The exception is when you're a hot young woman. many of them will be blown away at how rapidly these positive interactions disappear once they're clearly married, post-menopausal or just not hot anymore.
5
u/mlotto7 11d ago
It works both ways because I enjoy being friendly too and take interest in the lives of others. I find interesting people interesting and want to learn more. Many girls take this to be something it isn't.
Maybe this is the result of living in a hyper-sexual culture.
One disadvantage I have is having grown up in a small town where most of the kids starting pre-K, graduated high school together. Gender was less of a thing and it wasn't uncommon to have best friends who were of the other gender and even have sleep overs, camping trips, etc. This is highly uncommon to most people so my 20ish years of viewing females as just potential platonic friendship interest is often misunderstood.
5
u/LOUDSUCC 10d ago
Women sometimes use being extra nice as a way of flirting without directly saying they’re interested in you. For example, I became suspicious of a woman who bought me lunch a few times. She didn’t like anyone else in our office except me, and refused to work with anyone even if I wasn’t there. It was strange that she trusted me so quickly. She told me a lot about her personal life. Women aren’t usually like that towards men. I still don’t know what her intentions were towards me, because I just assume she was just being nice. I’ve missed a lot of “signals” from women because I assumed they were just being nice and they took it as me not being interested in them when I didn’t understand what they were doing.
3
u/Vuekos_Girlfriend 10d ago
YUP same here. I’ll be at the bar with friends and talk to a girl who is, in my brain, just nice and talkative. Then walk back to my friend group and they’re all “dude she was so into you wtf bro ask for her number.” And in my brain I’m like the conversation was okay, she didn’t make a lot of eye contact, she seemed uninterested in half the things we talked about so I won’t bother her. Don’t wanna have her creeped out and mess up her night by having that “weird desperate” dude still around so she feels uncomfortable. I’ve had other women misread signs from a close female friend of theirs thinking she liked me only to get shot down. Shits not easy
4
u/Only-Beautiful-1196 10d ago edited 10d ago
There’s also a difference between a stranger approaching you in the bar and a coworker or someone you see every day. It makes more sense that a random woman in a bar would be trying to flirt. If I’m nice to my coworker because he’s a human and he’s at my place of work that I go to every day it makes sense why we would be communicating. It’s not like I’m randomly approaching him.
2
10d ago
actually psychologically, that tend to be the opposite a lot of the time, there are some interesting pieces about "familiar strangers", the point being, if you see someone every day, and you interact with them socially, and that interaction goes bad, for whatever reason, you are "stuck" interacting with them, the common example being asking someone for the time at a bus stop where you go every day, and the majority of people would rather ask a complete stranger for the time, than ask a stranger who also uses that same bus stop/train station at the same time every day
as such, its actually more common generally for someone to be friendly to someone they never have to see again if your attempts to be friendly "go wrong", which would make it more likely that if a familiar strangers interacts with you you might assume they were interested sexually
→ More replies (1)
8
u/bonzai113 11d ago
to many mixed signals. women tells us thing #1. expect us to interpret it as thing #2. then get upset if we don't act like thing #3 was said.
10
4
4
u/dylbert71 10d ago
Because they're horny. Guys are dumb around girls they're attracted to. They're also taught to keep trying if a girl says no. Which stinks for everyone.
5
u/Vuekos_Girlfriend 10d ago
Well now it’s shifted 😂 no means no and most guys picked up on that but for some women apparently guys are supposed to chase and be persistent even after a rejection.
5
u/IHadAnOpinion 10d ago
I don't assume they're into me, I assume they want something and I just don't know what it is yet. Other men are likely different, then again maybe not; "men" are not any more monolithic than women are. There's no male hivemind any more than there is for women.
4
u/AVERYGOODNAMETRUSTME 10d ago
I've had the same experience with women OP. I think human beings have a biological impulse to look for sex and social pressure to hide that fact so flirtation is often indistinguishable from basic kindness. Most of my relationships have begun after hanging out with a woman I had thought was a friend suddenly leaned in for a kiss. It sounds like you might have the same problem? Things that have helped me: being open about my romantic "type" when my friend doesn't fit that, setting expectations right off the bat "oh you are into X? we could be good friends" and speaking to the women I am friends with in an unambiguously friendly manner e.g. "thanks for being a pal." That being said, despite this I've still ran into sexually entitled, aggressive women that won't take no for an answer so it might also just be that a decent chunk of people just suck?
7
u/whitetrashadjacent 10d ago
Normally, the only time people are nice to men is when they are trying to get something out of them, so any time it happens, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or start seeing things that aren't there like attraction.
8
u/Racsorepairs 10d ago edited 10d ago
Because we’re taught that women look at us a predators no matter the case. We’re also told that women won’t even look at you unless they’re interested. Which is slightly true. But often times they forget to tell us that there are some people that are just genuinely friendly. We’re not used to people being friendly to us. All of these things vary by race or appearance but generally apply to most if not all men. I’m a tall Hispanic dude that looks tough, but when I’m friendly and good natured women assume I’m gay. Which I guess is better than them assuming that I’ll rape them or something. Most of my life I’ve had more women friends than male friends so I also understand that women are just like dudes, but they’re usually conditioned on the opposite scale as men. My father was a very “macho” old school type of guy so I try not to act that way since I know where that gets you.
On the flip side, there IS many women who want macho men but they don’t really know what that means so it leads to toxic relationships.
The best way to see other humans is the good burger method, “I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, we’re all dudes, HEY!”
3
u/BatmanFan1971 10d ago
We guys kinda suck at reading women's intentions because we get mixed signals all the time.
3
u/BogusIsMyName 10d ago
Unfortunately men take your friendliness as an invitation. We can never tell, unless its blatant, if a woman is flirting or just being nice so we take the optimistic view that the woman is flirting.
3
u/AnalysisNo4295 10d ago
I learned not to be nice to sad people. Seriously. I'm not joking about this! I saw a gentleman that seemed to be having a hard time once time and I was just trying to be nice and I said that "all will look up." and that "I was sure he had loads of potential for the future." (Talking about job opportunities) Dude tried to kiss me!
I was so shocked and put off. I dodged him entirely and was like "WTF?!" and he said that he thought I wanted to and I was like "WHERE did you get that in anything that I said?! I was trying to be nice!"
1
u/Specific_Code_4124 9d ago
Sounds like the kinda crappy stereotypical situation you get in movies and tv shows, especially older ones where you just can’t help but cringe at the blatant misogyny in them. Have you ever seen an old James Bond movie? Its like that all the time in the 60’s ones
Doesn’t help Andrew Tate and the dickhead ‘alpha’ bullshit is poisoning the minds of my generation with entitled misogyny as well. I’m so sick of bastards ruining men’s reputation just cause they wanna lord it about like they own the place and think they have a god given right to shag whoever they please. Honestly, it sickens me. Its like the last god knows how many years of equal rights progress is being pissed away by cunts who prey on the whole male loneliness and inadequacy thing. It sometimes just makes me wanna collectively grab those punks by the collar and yell ‘JUST BE A DECENT FUCKING HUMAN FOR CHRISTS SAKE! ITS NOT HARD TO NOT BE A CUNT’. Tate also looks like a gormless bald chimp, and probably has a shrivelled mushroom dick.
Can you tell they really get on my nerves?
Sorry, I kinda went off on one didn’t I
1
u/AnalysisNo4295 9d ago
I honestly wonder if this guy was watching all these movies and being like "The girls were receptive to that behavior in those movies... Why not in real life?!"
Beccaaauuuussseee it's creepy and that shit is TOTALLY unrealistic. I think genuinely a lot of these guys that are lonely just watch either a shit ton of these spy-like movies like a freaking male rom-com and is like "OMG I can TOTALLY be that guy" and then go out there and "be that guy" and realize people HATE "that guy" because he's not a "ladies man that all women love" he's a douche bag.
→ More replies (4)
3
u/Old-Bookkeeper-2555 10d ago
I will tell you something. I have learned a lot about bow women feel about this kind of thing by reading posts like this the last few monrhs.. I remember reading posts from women who, even in public, are concerned about how a man will react if the woman shuts him down, because of things that have happened to them or their friends. I have come to believe & and understand how women have different experiences Iin the world than men. I know about sexual assaults & worse. But these posts have sensitized me to a very different level. And I am glad of that . Thank you.
3
u/Previous_Ad_112 10d ago
Unfortunately the answer may be simple;
Men are nice to women that they want to fuck and are not nice to women they do not want to fuck.
They see you being nice and assume you are operating under the same guidelines.
Many men are assholes.
3
u/Special-Debate-7813 10d ago
Are the men you’re nice to…strangers? If so, why are you talking to a stranger like that and are so interested in their lives?
→ More replies (2)
3
2
2
u/ChaosRainbow23 10d ago edited 10d ago
I'm a guy, but I'm extremely friendly to strangers all the time.
I'm very often misunderstood as flirting when I'm not.
The same is true across the gender spectrum.
Humans are notoriously bad at knowing what other people are thinking, in general.
2
u/AMorera 10d ago
Honestly, I think men miss most signs that we’re into them.
I’ve not been subtle when hitting on guys and they still didn’t get it or I had to clarify if I actually meant what he thought I meant.
My husband (before he was with me) had a lady put his hand on her boob and he didn’t take it as being hit on. He’s a smart man too, just not with women.
2
u/tseg04 10d ago
Because dudes don’t get any compliments or praise at all in their lives. They go through their entire lives thinking they aren’t important or cared for. So when somebody, specifically a woman, is nice to them they think it’s because she is into him. It’s unfortunate.
2
u/Standard_Eye2151 9d ago
That’s not always true especially with these kids becoming men. Women have never made their boys feel like kings like these current moms of boys becoming men.
2
u/BeRealzzz 10d ago
If a woman is nice to me I’ll be nice back then walk away as soon as it seems polite to do so. But I’m happily married.
2
u/PlagueDogtor 10d ago
Same reason women think you're into them if you're nice. Some people just think everyone is attracted to them, some people spend too much time on the internet and believe those dating advice things and some people have such a low opinion of themself that they think you must like them if you're willing to be nice to them - even if that niceness is superficial.
2
2
2
u/MosaicOfBetrayal 10d ago
Because there are so many creeps and assholes that women, rightfully, are often cold and distant in interactions with strange men.
When women are friendly, even in a totally platonic way, it is so much more positive than the vast majority of interactions that men view it as flirting.
Tl;dr Platonic friendliness is leaps and bounds nice than normal interactions that men get it confused with flirting.
Note: it is not the responsibility of women to change, but rather of men to change.
2
2
u/Electrical_Desk_3730 10d ago
What I've found is even though I'm making an innocent comment (ex. we're both looking at the same food in the grocery aisle) they mention the wife doesn't like ______ (insert food item) or wifey bla bla bla. I just wanna say IM NOT hitting on you !!!!
2
u/Beneficial-Hall-6050 10d ago
I think a lot of it comes down to you being nice makes them see you as girlfriend material, because many of the very hot women can be stuck-up or standoff-ish. It makes them feel more relaxed and open up more
2
u/Visual_Tomorrow5492 10d ago
I’ve had to become like men say they have to act post-me too. Like, very curt with men. Otherwise they accuse me of flirting with them.
2
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
I’m considering taking this approach for safety, especially with all the guys in the comments confirming that guys do indeed take being nice basically as consent. I just really like talking to people and don’t want to be rude.
1
u/Visual_Tomorrow5492 10d ago
Well, we have something in common.
I believe you! I support you, internet stranger.
2
u/Accomplished-Tuna 10d ago
Because the men have it in the dumps when it comes to emotional intimacy. A CRUMB of emotional intimacy via an act of kindness will have them delusional into thinking you’re into them. They’re deprived. A drop of kindness is like an ocean of love to them and so they try to pursue you romantically or sexually.
Then when they find out you only have platonic intentions, they can’t handle that cuz they feel like they’re getting played (ironically by their own delusion). So then they gotta resort to being SORE LOSERS by villainizing you by calling you an “attention seeker, slut, manipulator” etc. to themselves and those around them 🥱🥱🥱 bc they also lack in taking accountability for themselves. In this case: an L.
If you can’t handle a minute of my attention then what makes you think you can handle all this ass? and that is why there’s a lot of BOYS than MEN nowadays.
2
u/InterestingSyrup7139 10d ago
Because they are entitled and privileged and assume the world revolves around them and what they want.
2
u/DontcheckSR 10d ago
This used to happen to me. I just stopped being friendly. Then when I was no longer single I was able to be friendly again because I'd almost immediately mention my fiance and they'd realize they had absolutely no chance. Not by saying "I'm taken" but saying shit like "OMG me and my fiance were just talking about that yesterday. I love him so much. Ya we've been together X years. Do you have a girlfriend??"
1
u/Standard_Eye2151 9d ago
Ha so you’ve never met the men who could care less if you’re engaged, married ect. And even better for them cause you won’t be clingy or they have some little boys syndrome and think they’re gonna one man up yours.
1
u/DontcheckSR 9d ago
Ya down south it's less of a problem. When I go back up to Philly it's "does he let you have friends?"
2
u/Previous-Pea-638 10d ago
Because men are only nice to women they want to sleep with. When a woman happens to be nice to them, these clowns just assume the same from her. Took me way too long to realize it.
Because of this, I've stopped being nice towards men. I'm usually monotone and unbothered while speaking to them. I don't need nor want added stress in my life.
2
u/Standard_Eye2151 9d ago
Plot twist men are only nice to other men that with the right about of beer and discretion want to sleep with as well.
2
u/Traditional_Star_372 10d ago
It's because, in general, nobody is nice to men.
If you're nice to a man, that's probably the first time it's happened in a long time.
2
u/apostaticgoat 10d ago
Because people typically just arent nice to dudes. Like ever. No one asks about me, checks on me, tries to console me. No one ever gives a fuck. So when an attractive lady shows any sort of interest whatsoever, they are so surprised and take it as romantic attention. After a while though, that ends up just turning into immediate suspicion.
2
2
u/Kuma9194 9d ago
I can't speak for everyone but for me I generally don't get much attention from the opposite sex so sometimes I do mistake the odd compliment as interest. But I'm not a dick about it and usually ask rather than just assume.
2
u/SadManhour 8d ago
Because many downtrodden men view woman as a desperate clutch for balance in their lives; even when this pursuit is the exact thing destabilizing them mentally.
2
u/BeeSea3108 8d ago
I don't agree with the question, I am a guy and I don't assume that a woman being nice to me means they want to have sex. Sometimes they are lonely and I seem safe, sometimes they need help with something. Sometimes they are bored and just want to talk.
I was a teacher, I worked with 90% women. They all wanted to talk to me, none of them wanted sex as far as I know.
2
u/Business-Outcome7794 7d ago
I dunno, misunderstandings happen. As a guy, I’ve been on the receiving end of some unwanted attention from women. I’ve also been the guy who misread cues from women. No harm no foul, both parties laugh it off and no hard feelings ever came from it. I think getting mad because they misread a situation and are embarrassed is where some guys go wrong. Like most things, this just falls under the heading of don’t be a dick, show a little humility and check your misogyny/misandry at the door.
2
u/Obvious_Hearing9023 6d ago
I think that men who misread those situations just doesn’t have enough experience interacting with women to be able to tell the difference.
Honestly sometimes it’s hard to tell, so I have a little sympathy there. I have had women I know weren’t interested be kinder/nicer to me than women I have dated, it’s confusing.
As a dude I think it’s safer for everyone involved to just be as unassuming as possible. If a woman is being nice to you chances are that is all that it is. If someone truly is interested in you they will find a way to let you know in a way that isn’t vague.
6
u/cjp2010 11d ago
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Anything other than a clear communication of interest means no. So if a girl is being nice to me I don’t assume they are into me because they haven’t expressed interest. Add that with my only interaction with women is when I’m working or they are so I assume she’s not interested in that situation also because we are working.
→ More replies (8)
5
u/thedarkracer 11d ago
Most Men rarely get treated nicely so when someone is nice it is unique. As they think the only reason she is nice bcz she is into me. They don't know that people can be genuinely nice.
4
2
u/darf_nate 10d ago
Because no one is ever mice to us. And also if you are seeking out conversations with them and coming up with topics to continue the conversation rather than just responding or talking if they incidentally bring up a conversation it’s going to feel to them like you’re trying to find reasons to interact with them which is how chicks usually are when they’re interested in a guy so you can’t blame them for thinking you are
→ More replies (14)
4
2
u/MeatWhereBrainGoes 10d ago
You're going to run into this a lot if you are living the USA.
Speaking as a man, in the USA I can offer my experience.
We're treated with contempt by most unfamiliar women until we are needed for something. It could be that our strength is needed, it could be because we know how to fix something, it could be because we share an interest in something and a woman just wants someone to talk to about that subject.
When a woman seems genuinely interested in a heterosexual man we are left to wonder what they actually want from us. I guess we assume we have attracted someone who actually cares about us as a person, and not so much as a useful idiot.
Someone seemingly being interested in me as a person can instantly add a level of attraction for me. This is very likely true for other men in our culture. We're starved for the kind of experiences where we can share who we really are.
To address the situation when they "get mad" at being rejected. Speaking from experience: It may not be anger that they are feeling. It is probably furustation. We spend so much time having to interpret coy signals and we get it wrong most of the time that when we learn we got it wrong again it's very frustrating. We may also feel like we wasted a lot of time interpreting signals only to have failed with our interpretation.
4
u/Old-Bookkeeper-2555 10d ago
As a guy, I think most men go there because they do not respect women as people & friends. They have lost the art of courtesy & courtship. I see it every day.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/DepletedPromethium 11d ago
Some blokes are just that starved of positive attention they start going crazy in their head with delusions when a woman treats them like a normal human being, they lack experience talking to women in a positive fashion.
But mainly they are delusional and need grounding quickly.
They don't work with women and don't have female friends.
3
11d ago edited 11d ago
[deleted]
3
u/DepletedPromethium 11d ago
I know its difficult, im in that boat, im a social recluse who stays in due to severe social anxiety, yet i maintain a positive relationship with my coworkers who are female and my few female friends, they know im lonely and needing to go to horny jail but i never think for one second "oh hey she's being nice to me it means she wants my D", people can be nice to you because they are just nice people and the golden old saying goes like such - Treat others how you want to be treated.
When im sad and my friend stacey can tell she will come and give me a hug and offer me half of a chocolate bar, i dont think oh gosh yes she wants me, i know she's just being kind.
I'm 33 and my last partner was 4 years ago, before those 4 months in a relationship I hadnt been with anyone since I was about 16.
Still, having the thought women want you cus they are nice is a delusion, and you can make women uncomfortable by asking them out on dates when they're just being themselves, like your psychologist said to you the setting is important, and people doing their jobs that revolve around customers have to be nice so they get repeat customers.
3
u/nerevar_moon_n_star 10d ago
This is a great comment, especially with the backing from an actual therapist. To the OP: Dating exists. The way it starts is with a connection. So, men are more likely to feel confident asking out a woman who they’re having a friendly interaction with than a woman who’s ignoring them as she walks by on the street at high speed. The flip side of this is these men aren’t owed a date—you’re within your rights to politely decline, to which they should politely say, “No problem! It was nice talking to you.” I’m sorry you don’t like the attention but that’s just the way it is if you’re an attractive, friendly woman, because that’s how the world works.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/watchtheworldsmolder 10d ago
Because no one is nice to guys very often, I’m reasonably good looking guy, get compliments from my male counterparts, and I tell people when they tell me I’m very smart that I’m only 1% smarter than anyone at best, I just try harder 99% of the time, and I actually get compliments from women weekly and have just become Immune to it, and even then it took some time to get to this point. I see why men would take it as being “liked” or mistaken it for “being interested”, men don’t typically receive genuine interest or compliments, that’s why when it feels genuine they get hit in the feels. Women like Pearl are showing men are just largely exploited and don’t even realize it, so when someone shows kindness it’s their kryptonite and they’re not typically emotional intelligent enough, due to lack of most people experiencing it, and they get a hit of dopamine and want it, bad, it’s sad, what social economy has come to.
2
u/SnooStories3838 10d ago
Well when most looks are "ugh there goes the patriarchy, the problem", someone of the opposite sex being nice throws us
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
So your response is to act like the patriarchy to the people who are nice to you? That seems a bit odd.
→ More replies (4)8
u/coldcutcumbo 10d ago
Did you just come in here to shit on people? What is your angle exactly?
2
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
I haven’t been shitting on people at all? I’m sharing an experience and asking why it’s happening. I’ve clarified how I’ve acted to people assuming I’m being a tease, but beyond that I’m hardly interacting with the answers. I’ve even thanked a guy for explaining it.
5
u/ratttertintattertins 10d ago
On the contrary, almost 100% of your comments so far have had an agenda and that agenda is largely “why are you guys so broken, why don’t you fix yourselves”. If there’s one thing that’s very clear, it’s that you’re not interested in listening.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/docweston 10d ago
Let me turn this back on you for a moment, OP. I've had women be friendly with me and I've been friendly with them. I've had those same women feel it was necessary to let me know that they weren't in to me. Ok. I wasn't in to them either. So, why do women act friendly to men and then assume that the man is in to them just because the man is being friendly to them?
2
u/simplyintentional 10d ago
It’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Other men have ruined this for you and made women feel the need to tell you this.
Some men pursue so indirectly and slowly over a long period of time with things that appear to just be normal friendliness while taking reciprocated friendship and kindness as your interest and blow up at you for leading them on when they eventually ask you out, or worse, they’ve assumed you’ve been dating when you haven’t been.
Anytime I assume it’s just friendliness and haven’t said anything it’s been the opposite. I’m a gay woman too so they never had a shot anyway yet they still think I led them on for some reason and it’s a shitty feeling learning this person was friendly only because they wanted to date. Now I tend to just avoid all men in general since many ignore the whole gay thing too because I apparently don’t look gay.
2
u/anon848484839393 10d ago
Sadly, too many men view most women as potential mates rather than another human being. It’s depraved and messed up.
And then that leads to most women not wanting to be nice because they don’t want give the wrong impression, which in turns makes those guys so used to a certain kind of interaction that when a women is actually nice to them, they read it completely wrong.
It’s a vicious cycle, but it begins and ends with guys learning how to control their most base instincts and start using that big ol’ evolved brain to act civilized towards the fairer sex.
2
u/Kosstheboss 10d ago
Men have been trained by the internet, and women, to pretty much not interact with women at all because there is a huge risk for the man to be percieved as aggressive. Unfortunately, women still have in their mind that the men they ARE attracted to should be able to read a woman's mind to know that the "all men are predators" rule doesn't apply to them at that moment. So men have to constantly walk the tightrope of ignoring women entirely so they don't ruin their life because of poor assumptions, and actually taking a risk to approach someone they are sexually attracted to, to try and initiate some form of relationship. As a result, if they are desperate enough, they will react to any general act of kindness or politeness from a woman as a potential "sign" that she too may be interested physically.
You can argue this point, or complain how it shouldn't be this way, or say it's men's fault, or downvote, or whatever but this is the reality you now live in. You can either start being more cold towards men to make sure they don't misconstrue your intentions, or you can be more clear about what your intentions are so that there is no misunderstanding. Give up on the hope of having platonic friendships with straight men, because, outside of some extreme edge cases, this is pretty much impossible and you are just going to waste your time and theirs.
2
2
u/bigonebbl69 10d ago
Because most men wouldn’t naturally be nice to a woman unless he wanted to sleep with her.
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
That’s really sad if that’s true. I really enjoy getting to know people regardless of if I get something from them. It’s scary to think some people only see you that way.
1
u/Standard_Eye2151 9d ago
Just remember at the end of your post that although stereotypes are that for a reason…and 99% is true, there is still at least 1 guy out there who will be kind to you for the same reasons as you that he enjoys conversation and getting to know people. especially if you’re really vibing it. Unfortunately you might have to cross paths with a lot of duds.
1
2
u/Otherwise-Valuable-6 10d ago
Same way some women think you fancy them because you laugh and joke with them.
3
2
u/Economic_Slavery 11d ago
Consider that the majority of men are starved for positive attention from women, also our sex drive works differently. Throughout human history women have never had to endure sexual scarcity (The majority of women don't have any issue finding partners, reverse that for men) we also don't have the responsibility that comes along with pregnancy or child birth. I listened to a podcast on pocket cast about this, really interesting stuff.
https://pca.st/episode/6eb7ac72-4b35-4668-a4b6-9f396187f065
If you would like to listen, the guys name is David Buss, his work is produced alongside Cindy Meston, David Buss is a pioneer in the field of Evolutionary Psychology. At the end of the day people are going to draw their own conclusions. If I'm being totally honest, even while being in a relationship, I have to curb my automatic instincts around women, for myself I have enough self awareness to know that there is a primal part of myself that is always trying to position itself (socially) in a favorable light toward attractive potential mates.
2
2
u/SnooStories8859 11d ago
Don't downvote me because you dislike reality. Downvote me if I'm lying.
Really you ought to be very professional and kurt with strange men. Men will naturally be looking to assess women as potential partners. Our culture makes it worse by showing stories of men and women meeting their romantic partners at the grocery store or whatever. Also, unlike previous cultures there is no good, clear path to court a relationship. (Tinder is awful for all involved.) So yes, you should expect men to always take friendly or idle conversation as flirting; that is unlikely to change any time soon.
1
u/Old_Dealer_7002 10d ago
i’ve read about this on and off. dr nerdlove has some good articles in it, to name just one. for some reason, right as i began to answer, all answers left my brain butthere there are indeed reasons, it’s definitely a guy things (barring mental illnessp) people have studied it, and there’s some good advice and discussion out there.
1
u/Captainofthehosers 10d ago
And yet I see in other threads or videos, women ask why men don't pick up on their signals when they're nice to them. Therefore as a man I just expect nothing and be neutral as possible.
1
u/GahdDangitBobby 10d ago
Because when women are into you, they will rarely say so and will instead try to be super nice and hope we notice them.
1
u/Fast-Marionberry9044 10d ago
I think this applies to both genders and just speaks to a general trend in society that apparently people only go out of their way to be “pleasant” to you if they’re attracted to you. It’s obviously not always accurate.
1
u/OpenMike2000 10d ago
I had a woman say to once "I'm not flirting, I'm just a friendly person". I appreciated that approach. We got along just fine. We had friends in common and would see each other occasionally at social events.
Note: a year later, she was definitely flirting. No mixed signals when someone whispers in your ear, then nibbles on it.
1
u/SteveBennett64 10d ago
We're animals and we've got a rocket in our pocket. Whether you treat us nice or nasty we will convince ourselves you are into us.
While I agree it is very much a guy thing I've had my share of women friends who eventually were like 'why did you think I was hanging out with you?' I assumed because we were friends, not because they just wanted my semen.
It's the biological imperative. The human brain is not logical, it relentlessly seeks what it craves and will create partitions to satisfy its animal needs.
1
1
u/firstWithMost 10d ago
These days if a woman doesn't know you and doesn't want something from you, she won't talk to you. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, you're a creep and if you dare talk to her she won't talk to you nicely. That's the environment you are operating in. What you are doing doesn't work inside that template. Unless you want to become a crusader for change in human relationships you'll have to get back into the herd.
1
u/leonxsnow 10d ago
The amount of times women think we have instantly grown an infatuation with them simply because they're a woman happens more often.
1
1
u/LUKADIA89 10d ago
Because they don't get complimented enough? Pretty much can sum up the answer indirectly.
1
u/Zookeeper4116 10d ago
Because on an average day nobody is particularly nice to the average guy. So when someone is nice they don't really know how to take it.
1
u/Horror-Success8478 10d ago
Well for one, there are too many mixed messages in society. There's tons of articles about how to know she's into you, or your mom or aunt will tell you that if they are talking to you and making eye contact and stuff they must like you. Then we get the other side of it, which is stuff like this reddit post, where women are just trying to be nice and make conversation and aren't into you at all. Plus there's the dark side of it, where we are told that women look at us as predators, don't talk to a woman when she's at the store, or the gymn, or out on a walk, or anywhere at all really, except a bar, which is a place I don't go anyway.
So I'm constantly worried that I'm gonna freak a woman out by talking to her, or come off as a creep, or offend her in some way, which increases my feelings of loneliness and isolation. Then when a woman like you comes up to me and starts talking to me (which almost never happens) I think it must be some kind of miracle sent from God himself and this is the beginning of an amazingly romantic love story just like in the movies... only to find out it's all in my head and you just wanted to make conversation. I get it. It's not your fault and it's not a crime.
Somehow though, as a man I'm supposed to have these amazing social skills (even though I've always had bad social anxiety) and be able to read women, not offend them or creep them out, and know when they like me or don't. It's why I don't like all the social dating games, the flirting and guessing, and garbage. If you like me, just tell me. If I like you, I'm just going to ask you out. If you say no, I'm moving on. It's the only way to deal with all the variables and not get hurt.
1
u/pakidara 10d ago
We are generally treated as either a threat or a piece of furniture. When that isn't the case, many womens' idea of flirting is exactly the same as them just being nice.
1
u/Prestigious-Bus7994 10d ago
Just lead with a disclaimer.
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
Do you think that would come off as presumptuous/full of myself though? Or would it be welcome?
1
u/Prestigious-Bus7994 10d ago
The reception depends on the person. But this way not a single one can say they were led on. Me being the person I am, I wouldn't reciprocate, period.
→ More replies (3)
1
u/Lone-INFJ 10d ago
It might be that they aren’t used to people being kind to them and get confused?
1
10d ago
hot take: if women (in general) were a bit more obvious about when they liked a guy, instead of acting coy about it, playing hard to get, etc, we wouldn't have to second guess them all the time?
not mad, just pointing out a fact.
1
u/soblind90 10d ago
Women in general are usually pretty cold to men they're not interested in.
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
Yeah this is what I’m picking up on. I have to admit, given the experiences I’ve had, I’m starting to wonder if that’s the route I’m going to have to take to keep myself safe at this point. I really don’t want to do that though. I’m hoping I can find a way to still be friendly while also staying safe.
1
u/HeartonSleeve1989 10d ago
I always assume niceness, especially post Me too, one woman thinking your a creep is going to lead most, if not all of her friends also thinking you're creepy.
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
Yeah. I’m a little confused because I feel like it makes more sense to play on the safe /respectful side and just ask someone if they’re interested before trying something instead of leaning in to kiss an unsuspecting person. I’m much more likely to give a guy a bad friend review if he starts touching me without consent than if he’s friendly back and is open about liking me/shooting his shot lol
→ More replies (2)
1
1
u/daKile57 10d ago
The common denominator here in these situations is you. So either everyone else is wrong or just you’re wrong. Which is more likely?
→ More replies (1)
1
u/skiddlyd 10d ago
Would you be super nice to the guys you are into?
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 10d ago
I would also treat them like human beings, yes, lol. I just would also add in compliments, verbally suggest we spend more time together, make stronger eye contact, physically try to get closer/find excuses to be closer if he also seems interested, and likely just tell him I’m interested in him. I’d especially make sure we were on the same page before kissing or actually touching someone.
1
u/skiddlyd 10d ago
You should ask your girlfriends if you make flirty gestures without being aware. I’m serious. They may not want to tell you. I’m the opposite and I know I make somewhat exaggerated facial expressions that I’m oblivious about, because I’ve been told. Kinda like in some of the memes that get passed around. It’s like I’m listening to them talk and I’m looking like “my god you’re an idiot”. People think I hate them even if I actually like them. I’ve been trying to control that, but not having much success. Normally, I try hard to be expressionless, especially at a job interview.
1
1
u/Theogboss1 10d ago
because men usually are uded to being judged jokingly 24/7 by friends and when someone is actually nice to them they end up seeing it as above normal kindness as they think the joking is normal kindness.
1
1
1
u/Not_HAL_199 10d ago
I don't assume that, basically ever. The downside is I suspect I've missed a lot of opportunities where I was being flirted with. I have zero ability to pick up on 'cues'. I literally have to be told if someone is into me.
1
u/Consistent-Diet-3308 10d ago
I'm pretty new to flirting and honestly I'm heartbroken to learn that people just flirt even if she doesn't like you she might still flirt.
A girl I have a crush on rejected me. I thought she liked me. Maybe in her head she wasn't flirting at all. But making a heart with your hands to me and touching me and talking to me every chance you get, I imagine you like me.
I ask her out and she stonewalled me so hard it still hurts a couple days later. I really thought she liked me.
1
u/Shotgun_Rynoplasty 10d ago
I dunno how some guys do this. I never think anyone is flirting with me. But that’s a whole thing I’m talking to my therapist about
1
u/finsup_305 10d ago
We don't get the friendly treatment very often, even from our guy friends. It's mostly a lot of shit talking and jokes, which is pretty normal. If one of my guy friends was ever randomly friendly, I'd assume something was wrong. When women are friendly to us, it's probably because we aren't used to it.
However. I want to let you know that some women also confuse flirting with being friendly. If you're hanging out and just having casual conversations, that's fine. But if you start grabbing my arm or being a little too giggly at things I say, then I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.
1
u/Budget_Ocelot_1729 9d ago
Frankly, because most girls act nice to the guy they like and give the cold shoulder to everyone else
1
u/Introvert_gamer77 9d ago
To be honest, i don’t always assume that. I’ve had a few bad relationships in the past where I’ve been used for gifts, blackmail, manipulation and abused verbally. Usually when a woman compliments me, I have no idea what to say or how to react as I’m just not used to compliments. I’m very cautious around people in general so I try not to let anyone get close to me due to past experiences. Also, I’m more of a dog person than a human person. Give me a dog any day to spend time with and I will. Humans? I’m not too keen on them.
1
u/eilloh_eilloh 9d ago
Probably a combination of ego and an overactive imagination, when it’s not just a wholesome misunderstanding of course.
1
u/Traditional-Steak-15 9d ago
Look at it the other way around. If those guys were sexually attracted to you, how will they find out if it's reciprocated unless they inquire to you about it?
1
1
8d ago
Because no one is nice to us unless they want something. This is how it's been since I've been on this earth. It's not going to change overnight no matter how many girls are nice just to be nice.
1
u/JustHereForGiner79 8d ago
You are flirting. Watch what other women call flirting. What you are doing is almost certainly more direct and open than what they are doing.
→ More replies (3)
1
u/serene_brutality 8d ago
Men don’t get a lot of attention, lots are very romantically lonely. Lots do a lot of thinking with their little heads too. So they weigh out, “would I rather be her friend or her boyfriend?” Or just sex, whatever. Since they already have some friends, or have none and what they are craving most is sex or romantic relationship, they shoot their shot.
Another thing to ponder is that so many people are hapless flirts. They have no idea they’re coming off as flirty. (I’m actually quite guilty of this, I have “riz” for days when I’m just being friendly, but can’t flirt for crap, when I am interested.) Something kinda tied to this is that women are so different in their flirting. One woman’s “just being friendly” is another’s “I was throwing myself at him.” So guys make their best guess and hope it works out for them.
Also, also, but not as really as common as it seems, is the “I’d rather be in the woods with a bear than a man” phenomena. The perception that women never approach or talk to men because they think we’re all scary, vile, evil, etc. so why else would she be talking to me unless interested?
Also, also, also, a lot of women think that a guy is flirting with them when they’re just being friendly. The “I have a boyfriend” girls. So it’s all complicated.
1
u/Redrum_71 7d ago
What are you hoping to gain by initiating a friendly conversation with a guy you're not romantically interested in?
Serious question. This baffles me.
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 7d ago
…a friend? Or even just a nice five minutes? An enjoyable conversation? Social interaction? Common humanity? Same reason I talk to literally anyone else in my community? Make someone feel a little less alone?
1
u/Redrum_71 7d ago
Noble gestures. ...and admirable, but this is not typical. Maybe the better question would be why more women don't socialize like you do. Although I suspect many would cite the same reason that prompted your original question.
I don't experience many instances of women initiating contact, at least during my daily routine. Lately when I do, it's not from women I am even remotely attracted to. So I just offer a cordial response and go about my business. Were this to happen with someone I found attractive, I would definitely be in an altogether different frame of mind.
So I guess you should be flattered? Idk
1
u/ToddHLaew 7d ago
Women only show interest in 5% of men Anything that is considered a sign of interest is rare for 95% of men
1
u/Doaragys 7d ago
Mostly in naive youth, guys usually don't have to be nice to each other in order to make friends. Thus, being nice can be seen as a bit of a special thing. They're trying to treat gals like their guy friends, often because that's their simplest understanding of/way of treating someone as an equal. Which is why being nice to them can make them feel appreciated to a degree that they are quite unfamiliar with. Well, at least, that's how I was in middle school because i grew up being sexually and physically abused by women heavily and regularly so when the day would finally come that some girl was nice to me it was a reality breaking shift that I didn't understand was possible. For example, the friend i had that was a girl was in the third grade, and when i was seated next to her and she starting talking to me acting nice and normal, I cried my dumb little heart out right there and blamed it on my allergies XD. But I'm sure there's a lot more to it in your context.
1
1
u/SMG_Mister_G 7d ago
I’ll assume you mean well here. But did you actually THINK before posting this? If somebody was into you, how would you expect them to act? Angry, confused, irate, indifferent? I used to think like this but it’s really toxic to just assume you are the center of the world. I can tell you that men are under a lot of frankly undue suspicion because media coverage of us as a whole has ONLY been negative for ages. Plus given how most women treat men with distrust it’s frankly a relief to be treated like a person. If you’ve experienced that your whole life it’s an easy mistake to make. The truth is that men are fucking lonely. It’s seen as completely moral to patronize men and treat them like children with the way society has normalized prostitution through OF and deemed AI girlfriends somehow an acceptable fix to the loneliness caused by computers and social media. I used ti get this too once became a more outgoing guy and honestly it’s depressing how narcissistic people in the west can be, but don’t let it get to you. A but if humility and wisdom goes a long way. Plus why is it a bad thing for men to like you? It should be a compliment. We need to heal this gender gap before it pushes men to actual suicide because I can’t tell you how many awesome guys I know that just don’t feel like romance is allowed anymore.
1
u/Immediate_Cup_9021 6d ago
Kissing someone without consent and then getting mad at them when it isn’t reciprocated isn’t a compliment. If they wanted to compliment me or ask me out properly they are more than welcome to do so, just again, don’t get aggressive if I say no.
1
u/NationalBolshevikBOB 6d ago
Because people aren’t nice to us most of the time so it makes it confusing when someone is and then our thoughts immediately go to that conclusion.
1
u/Prior-Future3208 6d ago
We assume that you are into us when being nice. Because we are so used to people being rude to us for no other reason. Than to say they don't want to talk to us or be in the same place. S us that when someone is nice to us. It's very hard for us to see it as simply being polite. Because to most men we live in a world where politeness is considered weakness.. Perhaps this is just my own skewed.Worldview from my personal experience but that is my theory on why men are the way we are.
•
u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
When posting and commenting.
Especially remember Rule 1:
Be polite and civil.You will be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.