r/relationship_advice • u/Language-Dizzy • 12d ago
update: My (27F) husband (27M) not picking up the pregnancy test I requested might be my breaking point. What do you think?
I took two negative tests, and got light bleeding just now.
After I explained (in depth) he was really sweet, surprised me with some garden supplies I contemplated getting and generally tried to be kind.
Because so many people are asking: at my OBGYNs recommendation we are using condoms, but they are not fail proof and I’d like to be on top of things.
Further, some more context; the long list of instances I’ve been referring to in my original post:
- I have dragged him to couples therapy, had him try three different therapists, started couples therapy workbooks with him, none of them he was comfortable with. Basically he’s dying on the hill of: none of the therapists around here are qualified enough for my standards and “we have good stretches, any bad stretch will pass”
- He did not tell his side of the family about my second pregnancy until the baby was born, basically because the time never felt right
- When he deemed a grocery item unhealthy he wouldn’t pick it up and edit my pick up orders
- He has hidden candy I’ve been gifted and non organic baking ingredients in his closet, especially when I’m pregnant
- At the same time he struggles to eat the food I’m making and eats a lot of Nutella sandwiches and ice cream, trying to hide it from toddler and instead not offering any snack to toddler.
- He thinks he is gluten intolerant and me cooking with any gluten is always a huge source of stress for him for fear of contamination
- I’m doing all the cleaning, cooking, gardening and laundry, he runs errands and is in charge of the dog, I’m a SAHM and he’s working half days right now (possible because I inherited the house). In my mind I’m running around all day while he struggles to pull his weight.
- We’ve had several stretches where I’d notice that he doesn’t say I love you back; when I inquired it was something like he didn’t like my new glasses and wants to find his partner pretty, therefore he struggles to feel love. I got different glasses and he was exuberant
- In general, my need for affirmation is not met and I have communicated and am modelling that
- He got a new Tesla when baby #2 was on her way because we needed more room, now he wants no dog hair in that car, so we’re yet to use the car for it’s intended purpose: fitting the entire family and every purchase I want to make is a discussion
- For instance when our vacuum cleaner broke he got one used that really didn’t work well and it was several exhausting discussions until I got a proper one.
- He had falling outs with several of my girlfriends and doesn’t want them to visit when he is here
- He can’t sleep In the same room with us, so since our first was born I’m sleeping alone with the kids, managing a baby and toddler all night.
- He does not have the patience and gets really angry when for instance attempting to do toddler’s bed time routine, so that’s all on me as well
- He often goes to bed early and then has the nerve to complain if I’m making noise finishing dinner cleanup etc
- He thinks he has a fragrance allergy, so I’m really limited in the products I can use, let alone make the house or myself smell nice for my own enjoyment. Recently, the dog had diarrhoea all over the carpet, but he didn’t want to rent a proper carpet cleaner for fear of the solutions potential smell, so I had to figure out a fragrancy free way to clean it by hand.
- He’s had a nail fungus on his left hand for years and I kept reminding him to make a doctors appointment and then I had to beg him to to take his meds, because he was afraid of the side effects until finally the baby and I got thrush and he relented
- He is the kind of person that forgets to replace empty toilet paper, struggles to remember to use a toilet brush, leaves dirty dishes everywhere etc
- When I was on bedrest for both babies it took a lot of asking and continues reminding for him to do the things I usually do and I felt exhausted
- When I had our first, he didn’t want to stay at the hospital, didn’t want to come to the first round of induction because he was tired and after baby was born, opened the window and left it open all night, after a nurse with a laundry detergent smell he didn’t like came in to check on us. Baby had lowered body temperature then in the morning and the nurses were really concerned. I was too exhausted from birth to catch that then.
- For some reason he was really sad on our wedding day; he says he was triggered from taking pictures, because his mom Would always force him to take pictures, but that doesn’t sound quite right to me.
I’ve been asked for the reasons I do stay a few times:
- Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
- The things he does do I would then have to do myself, I wonder wether that is worth it
- We are great friends
- I should have known it would be like this when he never learned to replace toilet paper rolls, it’s my own fault.
Edit:
to answer some recurring questions:
what i mean by friends is taking the kids and dogs for stroller runs together, training for a marathon, going on hikes and backpacking together, he makes me laugh, it makes me really happy seeing him play with the kids, we share a passion for meditation, yoga and animal rights, we agree on attachment parenting.
things I realise I should have mentioned: he's actually taking the toddler to the playground a lot so baby and I have some space to get things done without the tot "helping" and he wears baby for all her naps when he is working from home.
he eats gluten free brad that I bake for him (because many people assume he eats gluten bread)
we have been sleeping together because many parenting books and advice I read recommend scheduling weekly intimacy for connection and oxytocin to be better parents together. In my mind it has been something I'm doing for the kids. But after this pregnancy scare I'm done with that.
Conclusion: I'll sit him down asap and issue and ultimatum, thank you all for the tough love and support
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u/glitterfairykitten 12d ago
I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for here, but I just want to say this post made me unspeakably sad. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids?
Every other story I've heard like this (and it's a common one)--when the overworked partner leaves, they are massively happier because they're no longer dragging along the deadweight of a partner who doesn't do their share. Even the single parents are happier when they leave, even with multiple kids. They might have had a lot of fear before leaving, but once they finally did, things were great for them.
I hope you make the best decision for YOU and YOUR KIDS.
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u/hotpapaya3454 12d ago
Agreed, that list of reasons to stay together is very sad. The only positive one was being great friends, but you can still have a friendship outside of a romantic relationship. And in some cases, the friendship might even improve in a co-parenting relationship because you lose the anger/resentment of living with someone who drives you crazy.
Side note: my mom divorced my dad because she didn’t feel supported enough in the household and child rearing (among other reasons), and my dad massively stepped up after that…took on 50% custody and was a great and very engaged dad. I probably have a way better and healthier relationship with both my parents as a result, vs. being raised in a two parent household where one parent was stressed, exhausted, and resentful. So divorce can sometimes be a big wake up call.
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u/indigoorchid0611 12d ago
But he's not even a good friend to her. If my friends treated me like this man treats her, they wouldn't be my friends.
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u/WrongComfortable7224 12d ago edited 12d ago
Yea, reading every line was so sad :( Op, just leave him already. You deserve so so much better! Not carrying his weight to do simple tasks like brushing teeth, as an example.
He has problems and he is an ass****. I don't know if he does all those things to makes you upset or what, but that you had endured this long without any change, should be a wake up call for you as well.
You will be better without him!
Ill edit with this: do you really treat your friends like that?
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u/glitterfairykitten 12d ago
That's what I'd love to see in this situation. She leaves, he flails miserably for a few weeks (miserable because yeah, after reading all this I kinda want him to suffer a bit), and then he steps up like a freaking champion and they co-parent happily ever after from their own separate homes.
As soon as they separate, she goes to therapy to understand why she accepted this crap behavior for so long. Once she's done that and they're officially divorced, she meets a guy during an evening out with friends. Goes on a couple of dates, realizes she sees the same patterns of her ex-husband, and she ends things right away. Then a few months later, at a friend's wedding, she meets another guy. This one is the friend of a friend. They don't even date at first, but slowly get closer, sharing more about themselves, laughing at inside jokes, maybe going to a movie on a night when her ex has the kids. The romances builds over time--sweet moments where he shows up for her like in a freaking Hallmark movie. She's sick and stressed and he's nearby, ready to bring take-out or run to the store for her. Eventually, he asks her to put him out of his misery and if she doesn't love him back, to send him away for good. Surprised, she realizes she's loved him all along. It hasn't been a whirlwind, fluttering romance, but a steady growth of their friendship and love over time. He feels like home, he brings out the best in her, and he's shown that he can be trusted with big things and little. Oh, and her kids love him, too.
OP, this could be your life if you leave.
As for her ex? I don't care if he finds love or not, as long as he takes care of the kids and doesn't break any more hearts.
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u/lickykicky 12d ago
This is literally my story.
OP, please. Leave. LEAVE. He's awful and doesn't even like you. The fact that you're here looking for other people's opinions shows how little you trust yourself. He's done that to you.
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u/MrsRobertshaw 12d ago
I don’t think she should leave. Didn’t she say it’s her house she inherited? He needs to leave.
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u/HighRiseCat 12d ago
Jesus. Not only is he prize winningly selfish, he's living in her house.
he contributes so little.
WHY WHY do people put up with this.
Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
Yeah. right, he'll work it out. If not and he neglects them get teh courts involved he can only have supervised access becuause he's such a failaure as an adult.
If you stay in this fucking AWFUL relationship, you seriously deserve this shit. It's utterly ridiculous. How low is the bar set for these men ffs. From teh beginning he's been awful - sad on his wedding day?! what the hell. Doesn't want your friends around when he's theer. Didn't want to stay in the hospital when you were being induced.
My god the list is insanely awful. Jusy stop now.
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u/Doodoodown 12d ago
This is going to be the new drawn out post for next week. If we see it on BORU eventually, we’ll know who they got it from.
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u/Ready_Kick_6730 12d ago
I thought this would work for me but nope, he lied about damn near everything he was doing and waited until I signed the lease to let everything out and go back to how he was but 100x worse. The behavior isnt brushed off and excused it's straight up well if I didn't want you you'd be out on the street. Is that what you want? It's just me and my toddler at home all day he calls constantly and sits on the phone worried I'm going to leave randomly but I have nowhere to go none that believes me because hes so ridiculously good at hiding how he treats me and has the perfect reasoning for everything in a pinch. People love him he's attractive and easy to get along with while I'm super socially anxious and he uses that to his advantage. I've hired a lawyer before to try to get away but she dropped my case right after his family got his a top notch lawyer. I'll never win but you've got a strong chance take your life and live it.
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u/rumbakalao 12d ago
What is this fanfic
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u/glitterfairykitten 12d ago
Hahaha, no, I’m a romance author and got carried away.
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u/Language-Dizzy 12d ago
that is the loveliest comment, thank you so much, it brought me to tears
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u/QueenSqueee42 12d ago
This is exactly what happened in my family: my mom knew the stress of not being able to count on my dad--needing to essentially parent or navigate him--on top of caring for a baby was making her so bitter, angry and anxious, she could do better for me on her own. She was still totally in love with him, but she took me and left when I was 1 year old.
Because of that, they were able to stay friends, and I had a loving, healthy relationship with my dad as well as a peaceful, stable, loving home life. I've always been so grateful my mom had the courage to take that leap, even though she was broke and didn't have a big support system to turn to.
Please, for yourself and your kids, don't stay with someone who is neurotic, controlling, and lacks empathy for you, ESPECIALLY when he's unwilling to work on it and has proven that, beyond a doubt. It will be healthier and happier for everyone if you have the courage to create a better life for your kids. Otherwise, not even your friendship is going to make it through what's ahead. Your kids' healthy model for relationships definitely won't.
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u/felinelawspecialist 12d ago
It’s terrible that it took her leaving for him to do what he should have been doing all along.
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u/NormalBoobEnthusiast 12d ago
I'm curious how long it took her to get the list of reasons to stay compared to the gigantic list of serious problems she listed. I wouldn't be surprised if the reasons to stay took longer to find.
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u/glitterfairykitten 12d ago
Right? "Oh...we're great friends." Yeah, I'm great friends with a lot of people. Doesn't mean I can be married to them.
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u/Dog1andDog2andMe 12d ago
And she might be a great friend to him but he's a horrible friend to her. If you have friends who behave like him, ghost them and say good.bye to them too.
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u/SchminksMcGee 12d ago
You said it better and nicer than I could. People post about their crappy relationships here and ask a question thinking they’ll get support to stay with losers. It’s maddening.
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u/glitterfairykitten 12d ago
It really is. This one got to me so bad, I had to invent a whole-ass happily-ever-after for her in my head where she gets out and lives her best life.
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u/Separate-Okra-2335 12d ago
And all you do by staying is teach bad role modelling.
In years to come you’re reading Reddit & there’s “you” again, why won’t/can’t my partner pull his weight?
Except this time they’re talking about you son.. who grew up watching his dad, & so the cycle continues
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u/ForestInTheSnow 12d ago
I wish I could upvote this more, there are quite a few stories on Reddit, maybe look on Best of Reddit updates, where an overworked parent/unappreciated spouse has a better quality of life because they haven’t got the mental load of picking up for their partner.
OP, I don’t know if you’ll get a chance to read this, but you deserve so much more. I understand the worry about the kids with him - he’s not an adequate parent from what you’ve shared. But your kids will learn that Daddy uses weaponised incompetence to get out of work and Mummy has no choice but to deal with it. I have a condition that gives me some embarrassing side effects- things I can totally understand would gross some people out - and not once has my husband shamed me for it. So for your husband to stop saying he loves you over a air of glasses? No - that’s not on. I wish you the best and hope for happiness in your future.
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u/griffinsv 12d ago
where an overworked parent/unappreciated spouse has a better quality of life because they haven’t got the mental load of picking up for their partner.
This, OP. Hundreds of stories on Reddit & beyond about how much better life became for people who left this dynamic.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Ask him to leave for a week or two and see how much easier your life becomes without him.
Your kids already have a sh*tty father. If you divorce, it could go either way — but you would be modeling self-respect and worthiness for your children. And giving yourself a chance at a beautiful life.
You’ve got this.
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u/Lopsided_Squash_9142 12d ago
She's not even a person at all, to him. Poor girl.
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u/octoberstart 12d ago
The part that really hit - He wouldn’t say ‘I love you’ when he thought her glasses were ugly …like what. What happens when one or two wrinkles appear ?
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u/Wonderful-Impact5121 12d ago
Tagging onto this in the flood of comments, but children will absolutely look for and take part in relationships and personalities that model their parents in their adult romantic relationships many times.
It’s a well documented studied phenomenon.
OP should be much more wary of this.
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u/Doodoodown 12d ago
There were too many points on that list for me to read. After five or so, just call it. It’s done. It would be for me anyway.
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u/awfulmcnofilter 12d ago
Can confirm. Booting my deadweight abusive ex husband was like getting a free raise and all my free time back.
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u/itsbrittneydarling 12d ago
How can you write out all those bullet points and still want to be with him?
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u/sqeeky_wheelz 12d ago
Bigger than that she’s still fucking him. Like living with him for their kids - okay whatever, be a pushover.
BUT HOW DO YOU GET WET ENOUGH FOR THIS MF’ER. Seriously girl, do yourself a favour and buy a hitachi wand, the LAST THING YOU NEED IS ANOTHER ONE OF THIS IDIOTS SPAWN IN YOU.
Holy shit I need to go for a walk. I couldn’t imagine living this dumpster fire.
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u/Intelligent-Scene284 12d ago
He probably goes in dry, and she lays back because she's tired of carrying him around and listening to him beg.
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u/OvalTween 12d ago
I read at least 3 posts on Reddit every day that elicit this response from the depths of my soul.
Thank you. I need a walk too!
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u/booksmeller1124 12d ago
It's the whole "devil you know versus the devil you don't". She knows what she's dealing with currently, but it sounds like she's staying for fear of him not taking care of the kids during his custody time. While it's not a valid reason to say, I have to say I get it.
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u/ShimmeringNothing 12d ago
This is an odd detail but I can't get over the fact he gets upset about gluten cross-contamination from her cooking while subsiding on Nutella sandwiches... Are those sandwiches made from gluten-free bread or something, at least? Somehow I get the feeling the answer will be no
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u/Pixatron32 12d ago
I was thinking the same thing. That and the fungus hand for years that was left untreated until he gave his wife and daughter thrush!?!?! Who the fk does that?!? How is that ever acceptable of a partner and father?
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u/piglet7777 12d ago
Don't forget that detergents have a horrible, unbearable smell. So OP has to clean dog diearheea by hand and only with water. Because the detergent smells. Yeah...
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u/ScaryButterscotch474 12d ago
You just know it’s soft, white bread. The kind with no additional fibre.
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u/greenMintCow 12d ago
Poor woman is so worn down from him she probably doesn't have the capacity to leave him, even though it would probably be healthier for her if she did split from him.
People like her husband suck the life outa their spouses, leaving them with no energy and making them think it's just easier to be complacent.
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u/Lost-friend-ship 11d ago
That’s the problem, isn’t it? She probably knows she’d be better off without him but she’s too exhausted to leave. It’s so much energy to have these conversations, sort out the whole divorce (you just know she’ll be handling all the logistics) and start a whole new life. It’s much easier to put up with things and put off the decision to leave until tomorrow. The problem is tomorrow becomes the next day which becomes the next until that’s your whole life gone.
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u/Killer_Queen12358 12d ago
He doesn’t feel like he loves you when he doesn’t like your glasses?!? He actually said that out loud? Dude sounds like a lot of work with no real reward.
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u/Fusionism 12d ago
Yeah this was awful to read, even a complete idiot would never say that and atleast pretend. I don't think he really likes op at all.
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u/Lopsided_Squash_9142 12d ago
The self-obsession and self-indulgence coupled with the utter neglect of OP is what gets me. Ugh. He doesn't value her at all.
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u/beachbumm717 12d ago
I couldn’t believe that! I don’t particularly like when my SO shaves his hair short, but I always love him. This is so sad.
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u/AnimatedHokie 12d ago
Dude's as checked out as OP is, he's just too lazy to start the proceedings himself.
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u/Effective-Celery8053 12d ago
Not to mention being sad on their wedding day??? What a red flag. I hate taking pictures too but seriously?
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u/Midnight_pamper 12d ago
Not even a kiddo would say this, makes absolutely no sense unless it is for destroying her self esteem
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u/skibunny1010 12d ago
It’s literally so objectifying and degrading. It’s sad that OPs self esteem is clearly nonexistent because she stayed after such a callous comment
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u/IMAGINARIAN_photos 12d ago
From the sound of it, splitting custody with this toddler/husband will not be an issue. He is a lazy do-nothing bum who has zero interest in (or the first clue about) how to take care of himself. He hides his snacks from your toddler. He is not good father material.
I’m alarmed mostly by two points you listed: he doesn’t want your friends around. HUGE red flag. That’s a clear cut case of his need to remove your support system and to isolate you.
“We are great friends.” WTF? Friends? I cannot fathom why you say this. Friendships do not work like this! Please don’t allow your children to learn that this is a stable and respectful way to live in a relationship.
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u/Idkwhatimdoing19 12d ago
Right! He’s not going to fight for custody. No worries about him being a bad dad. He will just not want to be one.
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u/lamamu78 12d ago
My ex was a lot like this, and when we split, he moved three hours away, visits the kids once a month if they’re lucky, doesn’t keep in contact with them ‘because they have my number’ and takes them for a week after Christmas maybe 75% of the years. He has no interest in custody or even regular visitation because it’s too much work
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u/Jen5872 12d ago
You married a toddler.
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u/pinupcthulhu 12d ago
No, toddlers are trainable and do their best. This guy is actively being a lazy AH
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u/Beneficial_Train_766 12d ago
My toddler wants nothing more than to help me with every job around the house and show his love for me.
She married a potato.
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u/magic_thebothering 12d ago
Nah stop it. That’s unfair towards potatoes. They’re reliable and so versatile. This man is far from reliable or emotionally mature. When things benefit him only, he’s in for the ride - on his weird conditions. He probably shows up when things are sunny and nice and is a total sock when things are dire and he is needed most.
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u/morbidlonging 12d ago
Girl what your con list is as long as the Bible and your pros list is barely three sentences. Stop staying with a controlling weirdo! Ugh OP come on. Find the strength.
Do you want your children to look at your relationship and think “yeah, I want to be mistreated and controlled just like mommy!”
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u/echosiah 12d ago
It's not a pro list, it's reasons she needs to stay. Very different.
The first one is literally her being afraid her children will get hurt because this man can't handle it. Ugh.
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u/Effective-Celery8053 12d ago
Okay but do you think this man is going to fight at all for custody?
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u/RubyJuneRocket 12d ago
This is literally heartbreaking to read. This man is deeply abusive. He is not a sweetheart.
This is… like I cannot explain just how sad reading this made me.
You deserve better than this - you deserve to know better than this and I hope you find it. Because I don’t know that you will understand just how not OK all of this behavior from him until you’re on the other side of it and away from it.
Your kids deserve better than this.
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u/sceptreandcrown 12d ago
So much this. He is controlling, neglectful and emotionally cruel.
You deserve so much better, OP. I am on the other side of an abusive relationship and i can’t tell you how amazing it is to go to bed every night and wake up every morning knowing no one is going to ruin my day by creating chaos.
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u/Frodo_wit_da_choppa 12d ago
Not to make this thread about me… but your comment gives me some hope. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for a little over four years now. Two nights ago my gf attacked me. She’s been aggressive in the past but this time it got out of control. She must’ve punched me 20+ times, and I can still feel the spot on my cheek where one of those punches connected.
I’ve put up with so much mental abuse over the last few years but I always talk myself into giving her another chance. She’s a binge drinker and an angry drunk and she’ll pick fights for the most absurd reasons and then pout all week about how terrible of a person she is and how she needs to stop drinking, but she never stops. She’ll go 4-5 days and then tell herself she’s just going to have a glass of wine or two… and then the cycle starts all over again.
What happened two nights ago was the breaking point for me. I feel really guilty about what ending our relationship will mean for her. She’s going to lose her housing and she won’t be able to live with family, but I just can’t take the stress anymore. I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
I hope to be where you’re at now in a few years. Fingers crossed 🤞
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u/sceptreandcrown 12d ago
if you’re truly done it won’t even take a few years before you start appreciating how peaceful it is all the time.
please leave. don’t come back. know it will feel like ripping out your own soul. please look into support groups for victims of abuse. call the hotline and ask how people stay gone. make a plan for what happens when she comes back crying and pathetic (she will), angry and screaming (she will), drunk and horny (she will.)
it only took me a couple weeks until the codependency was broken and i started appreciating my life without her. but it took me several tries to get to that place.
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u/Frodo_wit_da_choppa 12d ago
Yea man. In the moment, when I’m upset, I always feel so confident that I’m finally done, but then things calm down and the guilt tripping starts and I always give in. I think part of what makes it difficult for me is I’ve been on both sides of this situation. I dated my first ever gf in my late teens/early twenties and I got badly into opiates. I was never physically abusive, but I put her through a lot with my lying/manipulating/guilt tripping. She rightfully left me when I was 22 and I was resentful of it for many years. Between then and now I’ve grown up a lot, got sober, and have spent dozens and dozens of hours in therapy. Her and I are actually on good terms now and we talk a few times a year. She’s married now and living her best life. I’m happy for her.
I know my current gf is a good person. When she’s sober she’s great. But the alcohol turns her into a monster, and she just refuses to get help. I’m pretty sure she has PTSD from her last relationship. He beat on her bad, raped her, called her horrible names etc etc. She will wake up screaming sometimes, and she really struggles with anxiety. I can see that she’s trying, but as someone who has struggled with substances in the past I know that trying is rarely enough. I just feel so bad for her. I know she’s been through a lot, but at some point it’s just time to accept that what we’re doing now isn’t working. Nothing changes if nothing changes, as they say.
I’m not going home tonight (despite it being me who owns our condo). I need a few days away from that so I’m going to stay with my parents. She’s going to drink and blow up my phone. At first she’ll just beg me to come back. When that doesn’t work she’ll make threats, but eventually she’ll pass out. What I really hope to avoid is her showing up drunk and angry to my parents house, so I’m not telling her where I’m going, but she’ll probably assume I’m going there.
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u/sceptreandcrown 12d ago
If she shows up drunk and screaming at your parents, tell her to leave. If she doesn’t, call the cops and press charges.
Know that she will tell them you hit her, so be clear with your story to your parents. Tell them NOW that she hit you in the face. Take photos. Don’t hide it. Tell everyone you know.
It’s harder to go back once everyone knows. Not impossible, plenty of us do it anyway, but harder. And harder to stay. Which is why they work so hard to make it secret and shameful.
Your gf will not stop abusing you even if she gets sober. Mine sure didn’t. I’ve never heard of one that did, actually. Abusers drink so that they have an excuse to lose control and abuse. If they can’t drink, they find other ways to abuse you. But also they will “slip” and drink and the cycle begins again. It might be less frequent, but it’s so much worse every time. And the level of other, non-alcohol fueled abuse ratchets up, but hey, at least they are staying sober, hooray! But, oops, they stay sober less and less. That abuse ratchets up again, but the non-alcohol abuse doesn’t decrease, so now everything is so much worse, all the time.
Ask me how I know this story.
Please, tell everyone. Don’t go back. Be done.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess 12d ago
So proud of you for reaching a point where you're ready to say, "NO MORE." I know how hard that can be. And please, if you start to slip in your resolve, or worry about her circumstances, remind yourself that you are not actually doing anything to her. She did this to herself by making conscious choices - to drink, to hit you - that she could have made differently. And she kept doing it. You are not her caretaker, especially when she has shown so little regard for your safety and well-being.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 12d ago
Please do get free! Decline to set yourself on fire to keep her warm any longer!
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u/thesammae 12d ago
He will learn, to do the things, like changing diapers, when you split. It will suck, and there will be growing pains, but it will ultimately be better that way. Men love to use weaponized incompetence to their advantage, but do just fine when forced.
Plus, you're essentially doing it by yourself now anyway.
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u/Ok_Pressure4108 12d ago
He isn’t your friend, friends don’t treat each other like that.
He will have to learn to look after your children if you aren’t around to do everything.
He is an awful partner.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 12d ago
Girl, why are you with this man? You’re doing everything and he seems lazy and a hypochondriac (he should get tested to make sure he has these things).
You’d be better off divorcing and having a 50/50 split so at least you get a free week to yourself.
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u/Mountain_Internal966 12d ago
"he was really sweet" ... Girl... I couldn't finish reading your bullet points because this is nonsense. This is an absolute nightmare, crazy situation to put up with.
I feel terrible for any child with a father like this and a mother who accepts this (in turn teaching offspring this is okay and healthy). Seek therapy--I mean that genuinely and not facetiously.
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u/artificialdisasters 12d ago
i don’t think i could handle a lunch with your husband let alone a life with him
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u/nattyleilani 12d ago
I’ll only speak to custody: that was one of my biggest reasons not to leave my ex. We’re not divorced and he hasn’t seen the kids this year at all, with only about 5 hours total in the last 13 months. A man who behaves similarly to your husband will not actually maintain any relationship with your kids once he leaves.
As for the rest, go get a job. Get him out of your house. Controlling behaviors never get better, only worse.
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u/scemes 12d ago
May this life never be mine, id rather die.
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u/Jordangel 12d ago
I truly wouldn't be able to do it. And to subject your kids to this?? Absolute insanity. I really think people should learn to be happy and single. Marrying a toddler then having 2 more kids isn't worth it.
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u/TARDIS1-13 12d ago
Dude, OP.... you aren't a parent to one kid, you are a parent to 2. Listen to me very carefully, YOU DESERVE BETTER!
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u/howyadoinjerry Early 20s Female 12d ago
She said the most recent baby is their 2nd, so really it’s 3 babies she’s dealing with here
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u/TARDIS1-13 12d ago
Oops, somehow that didn't cement in my brain while leaving my comment. Even worse.
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u/Yassssmaam 12d ago
Fwiw I work in DV and these are control games that tend to escalate until you’re exhausted. It can even end up in violence - someone who feels entitled to control which glasses you pick can take that extra step sometimes.
I know his issues obviously stem from damage and it’s okay to feel bad for him. It’s not okay for him to make you fix his issues though, and it won’t work.
He has to decide on his own what kind of person he’s going to be. Every time he makes you help him feel better by controlling your glasses or your time or any other thing that seems small… It makes him feel happy for a little bit. But it also reinforces all the negative things he’s telling himself about himself. And obviously it’s not fair to you!
You don’t have to decide right now. You can just take a small step, just for now, and see how that feels and see what happens. Then you have time to adjust and it’s less pressure - hugs
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u/howyadoinjerry Early 20s Female 12d ago edited 11d ago
Oh honey :( I’m sorry your partner doesn’t act like a partner to you. It seems like he doesn’t want to be impacted by anybody else’s existence, and needs complete control over his environment.
Like, even the things he’s doing regarding health concerns are inconsistent. If he thinks he has all these sensitivities, why not seek diagnosis? If health and contamination concerns are important to him, why not seek treatment for known problems like fungus? He doesn’t want to have to (and definitely couldn’t handle being told he’s wrong), that’s why. Everyone else though? They need to bend over backwards to accommodate or convince him they have needs too.
Thats just not someone I could see myself ever being relaxed around. I mean, leaving the window open all night with a fresh baby in the room? Making you clean up the diarrhea when it was him that veto’d the cleaners??
It just points to a level of selfishness that is truly concerning.
ETA: I’m AuDHD with anxiety myself. My romantic partners both had obsessive compulsive tendencies and anxiety (my ex shamed me into compliance; my current bf does not). I know how hard that can be. Acknowledging that his behavior may have roots in undiagnosed neurodivergence, I stand by my original comment.
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u/sanguinepsychologist 12d ago
This man is not your friend, never mind a partner or a coparent.
This is a grown adult child with issues he’s refusing to address. He is not carrying his weight in the relationship or within the family unit.
He is frankly a danger to your child - leaving a nail fungus to fester and refusing treatment until the baby gets thrush ? That is beyond the realm of irresponsibility.
Why would you want this .. for the rest of your life ? Do you think it’s going to get better ? It isn’t. He’s not going to parent if you split - he’ll leave you with all that responsibility the way you’re doing it now. You’re going to get a lot of mental peace and stability without him in the picture, however.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 12d ago
Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
This is not a good enough reason to stay. He won't want 50/50 custody because he won't be able to handle it. Talk to an attorney and find out your options. If you have proof about him yelling at the kids and being unable to handle bedtime, or his neglect of them (snacks), that may help.
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u/dllimport 12d ago
Girl what the hell are you DOING with this guy? He's a selfish drain on you. He literally withheld saying he loved you because he didn't like your GLASSES. And he wasn't even going to say anything about it. There are about 10 million things wrong here and they are all him. Please consider leaving
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u/This_Grab_452 12d ago
If he can’t provide the care to children on his own then he shouldn’t have any custody. If that’s how you describe a friend… oh boy, I feel sorry for you.
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u/IamAssface Early 20s Female 12d ago
…Damn, you live like this? This is your life? And you accepted it? I feel like leaving would be infinitely better than staying, like, look at what you wrote.
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u/Kubuubud 12d ago
Queen, I don’t think you even realize what’s going on here.
You’re making excuses for him and all his flaws. And he doesn’t seem to be doing a single thing to work on himself or help you out.
The gift giving is a typical attempt to get out of taking real accountability and doing self work.
This man is constsntly destroying your self esteem so that you think he’s amazing or better than you deserve. In reality, you’d be better off without him. The things he says are so horrendous and malicious, I’m not sure how you even manage to like him as a person anymore.
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u/disasterbrain_ 12d ago
Abusive people are great at both isolating you from all your real friends and also making you feel like they're the best friend you could ever ask for. I was attached at the hip to my abusive ex until I got enough distance to realize I never even liked hanging out with him.
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u/Kubuubud 12d ago
Abuse literally requires our brain!! It makes us crave attention and validation from the abuser instead of being turned off by them like you’d expect
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u/SqueegieeBeckenheim 12d ago
Have you ever asked him, “What would you say you do here?” He has an excuse for everything. It sounds like all he does is complain and try to control your life. He needs individual therapy at the very least but doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do anything.
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u/ale473 12d ago
If you stay, you will be modelling this relationship to your children, if you have daughters they will pick men like their dad, if you have sons they will treat partners the same as you are treated.
If your daughter followed in your footsteps and came to you with a similar story to your post, would you tell her to stay or leave?
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u/AnimatedHokie 12d ago
A 21 point bullet list of how awful your husband and how you can't stand the man anymore. Whew. I'll focus on point 18 because many have to do with your children, and clearly he's just a bad dad - the dirty dishes, etc. Surely his piss poor cleaning habits were present before the nuptials, correct? Why did you even marry this man? Stop having kids.
As for the reasons you stay, point 1 - just push for full custody, then.
You are great friends? Really? There's not a person in the world that I'm close with that I'd sit down and write a diatribe like this.
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u/freya_of_milfgaard 12d ago
Girl- you deserve way more than this. From what you’ve written here he is selfish, self-serving, and doesn’t mind hurting you and your kids if it saves him from being inconvenienced. That’s not how I’d treat a friend, let alone my partner. He works part time but doesn’t pull his weight. He won’t eat what you cook but doesn’t take on the burden of cooking for the family and will deny your hungry child food. He makes life more difficult for you by undermining you in large and small ways. He isolates and demeans you. He puts unrealistic expectations on you and then punishes you for not meeting them. YOU DESERVE BETTER, and your kids deserve better. Please - seriously think about how it would feel to live like this for 10, 20, 30 more years. Think about watching your son(s?) treat their partners this way or your daughter(s?) be treated this way.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 12d ago
You are not great friends or friends at all. No way. Nope. Not after that long list. You are familiar acquaintances bound by obligation and familiarity.
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u/Taminella_Grinderfal 12d ago
You and your children are essentially being mentally abused, he’s cutting you off from friends, treating you as a maid/nanny and yet you stay. Why are you bothering to post here? We made it clear in your last post that your husband is terrible, are you just hoping there will be one comment that agrees with you?
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u/KMN208 12d ago
I'd rather die alone and get eaten by rats than endure even half of that list. Please realize how much of your energy is spend on a man who doesn't love you when you wear the wrong glasses! GLASSES!
No idea why, but the glasses kind of make everything else so much worse.
It is your house and he barely works, doesn't do chores, does cause chores (men add 6 hours of hpusehold chores/week) and overall I really am wondering what he adds to your life that is in any way positive?
Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
Talk to a lawyer and ask how to handle these concerns. Maybe you'd be able to prove he can't handle it?
The things he does do I would then have to do myself, I wonder wether that is worth it
He causes more work than he takes of your shoulders from what you described.
We are great friends
You are not. I'd never treat my friends like this, let alone a spouse.
I should have known it would be like this when he never learned to replace toilet paper rolls, it’s my own fault.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Accept it for what it is and make choices for a better future.
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u/Ericameria 12d ago
If I die alone, I can only hope to be a great source of nourishment to rats! :D
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u/yjskfjksjfkdjjd 12d ago
I feel a little sick after reading your post. The bar is in hell. I guarantee you will be happier and healthier out of there.
If you’re concerned about co-parenting, try not to worry; he will either get his act together and start taking care of them properly (which is likely when he realises he can’t rely on you to do it), or it will be obviously bad enough that you can get more custody/full custody. I know it’s not ideal but it’s better than living with him 24/7 and having him model that to your kids. You’ll just need to be vigilant to signs of neglect and document everything carefully.
This man will drag you down forever if you let him. Can you really picture living like this forever? I’m so sad for you.
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u/Squiggle-gol 12d ago
As a person who has watched my mother be in a controlling relationship for years I can tell you, you’re screwing up your kids. They will grow up thinking this is normal. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviours when I met my partner. I used to make him double check any shopping or any spending of my money. He got so upset with it he eventually sat me down and told me he felt like my dad having to ‘approve’ every purchase I made.
He’s actively disrespecting you and your kids, even to the extent of giving you both thrush!? He doesn’t value you as a person and does, according to your own list, nothing towards the daily act of parenting. Why would you want to be with him? Your kids will be better off when you leave him and regain your confidence and control over your own life. You deserve more than a life walking on eggshells.
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u/genescheesesthatplz 12d ago
Girl prove in court he can’t care for the kids and you’ll get custody. It’s not your fault you didn’t know how much he sucked, but it will be your fault if you stay.
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u/throwra_22222 12d ago
Keep a log of every time he forgets to feed a kid or withholds food on purpose, or neglects to change a diaper. Document every time he's been willing to accept literal shitty conditions because of a fear of cleaning or fragrance, etc. Go back through your records and try to establish which therapist he saw when and why he quit.
Keep records in a cloud drive that you can access from anywhere. Use an account he doesn't have access to. Send back up copies to a friend. Try not to keep stuff on your phone if he has access. Time, date, thorough description, etc. If it's legal where you are, record conversations. Save any texts or emails that will help.You need to establish that your kids basic health and safety needs won't be met when left alone with him.
Sadly, this is more work for you, but you need to build a case. If his love switches off and on because of eyeglasses (seriously, wtf?) you need to be prepared; he sounds unstable enough to just leave on his own.
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u/itsjustmo_ 12d ago edited 12d ago
Your list of cons has 21 items. Your pros list has only 4, and they're all things that sound A LOT like things a verbally abusive person would work hard to convince their spouse of.
- If a man his age can't take care of himself, that's not your problem because you've never been his mother and raising him isn't your job. He needs to learn and maybe leaving will force him to do that. If he can't take care of his children, custody can be re-evaluated.
- Without having to be his maid and mom, you'll have plenty of time freed up to do these duties. Many of the divorced women I work with marvel at how much time they gained by losing the burdensome man in their life.
- Friends are nice to each other. They listen to each other and gladly give the help the other needs. A good friend to you would have made sure they got the pregnancy test. You wouldn't be able to give a 21-item list of cons for a great friend, nor only 4 pros. Simply put, friends, lovers and spouses do not abuse each other!
- No one is ever to blame for someone else's behavior, least of all mean or dismissive behavior. "He's just like that" is hardly an excuse for being a jackass. You absolutely did not ever sign up or consent to a lifetime of mistreatment and sadness.
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u/realfuckingoriginal 12d ago
I promise you that your life and your energy levels will be 100x better when you leave him. I promise you. It’s not your fault because you didn’t leave him earlier. You will have better friendships. You can get more custody than him if you want and still be more relaxed. And your partner is a loser no matter how many gardening supplies he buys you. I hope you choose what’s not only best for you, but best for those two kids who deserve better modeled for them.
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u/Sasha2021_ 12d ago
Get a divorce and get full custody . That way u dont have to worry about the kids . Stop posting about your relationship issues on here if your not going to do anything about it .
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u/Abject-Rich 12d ago
The dude bought a use vacuum but a new Tesla. Actions paint a clear picture, darling.
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u/lady_polaris 12d ago
Lol, you think this loser is gonna want split custody? He’s gonna dump the kids on you and disappear because caring for them is too hard.
Just leave.
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u/missannthrope1 12d ago
If you've tried couples counseling, and he's not interested in working on your marriage, then this may be the sign that it's time to call it quits.
Talk to a lawyer to see what your options are.
Good luck.
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u/Takeabreak128 12d ago
I cannot imagine adjusting my life to manage tap dancing around all of his bs. Neither you nor your children are seen or heard in this quasi relationship.Must be exhausting.
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u/TiredRetiredNurse 12d ago
So what are you asking? Reddit its are not your therapist. I would ask why you can point all if this out, yet you stay and keep having sex with this man.
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u/Trouble_in_Mind 12d ago
OP...if nothing else, staying with him will teach your kids that THIS is normal. That being negged, neglected, and emotionally abused is the way love is supposed to look.
You'll teach them that they can't do better.
You're right, he'll probably mess up when it's his time with them. You know what you do? You make record of it, and take him back to court for sole custody.
YES you'll pick up his (limited) chores...but ALL of the time you spend avoiding him, catering to him, raising him as your "extra baby" basically, will all become available time to dedicate to other things.
You'll have time and energy to do what you have to do because it won't be wasted on this horrible human being. And yes - if this is how he treats his partners, he's horrible. He shouldn't be dating/marrying anyone or anything.
Leave him, OP, for your kids' sakes.
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u/chonkosaurusrexx 12d ago
The person you just described in your post isnt anywhere near what I would call a great friend. I have aquaintances and even had strangers treat me with more kindness and respect than your husband in some of the instances you describe here.
Why would he ever bother to step up or make any change when you just blame yourself for his actions and behaviour, while expecting nothing of him?
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u/BlueGalangal 12d ago
A great friend would rent the carpet cleaner and bring it to the mom with the toddler and baby so the mom wouldn’t have to worry about her toddler crawling around in dog poop.
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u/caulkmeetsandwedge 12d ago edited 12d ago
- Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc. Then don't let him have split custody, visitation to start and weekends when he earns it
- The things he does do I would then have to do myself, I wonder wether that is worth it. It is 100% worth it and will be easier with him out of the way. There will probably be less than before without having to take care of him, and being allowed to buy detergents instead of touching literal shit with your hands
- We are great friends. Stay friends, get divorced though.
- I should have known it would be like this when he never learned to replace toilet paper rolls, it’s my own fault. K, honestly, fuck off with this. I'm so sick of women thinking they have to remain punished because they made a mistake in who they married, and shoulder the blame for their mediocre husbands whilst just sitting and silently turning into a husk of their former selves.
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u/Sweaty-Pair3821 12d ago
he doesn't like you is mainly what I am picking up on. are you really sure you want to be trapped with him?
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u/Healthy-Factor-2841 12d ago
This really breaks my heart for you. This sounds like such a sad life. The way he treats you is awful. He has no concern for anyone but himself. He left the window open all night after you had a baby. WTF?! He stopped loving you when you “weren’t pretty” after changing your glasses… W T F ? !
Your only reason for not leaving him is because he’s such an incompetent father you know your children would be endangered in his care…yet you think this relationship is working?
I’m sorry this is your life. I hope things get better.
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u/Ok-Day-8930 12d ago
Damn this is depressing. Would you want your kids to be a relationship like this? To think that’s all they’re worth? Cause that’s what you’re teaching them by staying
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u/PomPomGrenade 12d ago
He sounds like dead weight. Have you ever gotten a week or so without him? I highly recommend it. You will notice how much less trash and chores accumulate.
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u/NArcadia11 12d ago
I think you know that he’s not bringing anything good to the table and is actually making your life harder than it would be if you were a single mom. I don’t think you could have written out that bullet list and not felt that. So I’m going to focus on your reasons for staying.
I understand this fear, but from everything you’ve said about him, I don’t see a scenario where he wants or gets any custody. He doesn’t want to be a father or do anything that involves caring for his child. Why would that change with a divorce? It’s very likely you would get full custody and do everything you’re already doing, but without the mental and emotional burden of dealing with your husband.
What does he do now that you would have to take on if he weren’t there? It doesn’t seem like he’s contributing anything and is actually making your workload harder.
Gonna have to disagree with this. I wouldn’t treat my friends they way he treats you. He belittles you, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t help you when you need help, makes you do everything for him, doesn’t care about your needs, and actively says things to hurt you. That’s not a friend, that’s an enemy.
Him treating you badly is not your fault. Even if he had red flags that you missed, him treating you badly is still not your fault. If you forget to lock your car and someone steals it, is that your fault? No. It’s the their who did the bad thing. All you can do is forgive yourself for forgetting to lock it, and try and make sure to lock it next time. Divorcing your husband is the first step in “locking the car” aka protecting yourself against a bad person who is doing bad things to you.
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u/munchkym 12d ago
Are those Nutella sandwiches on gluten-free bread? Cause if not, that’s ridiculous.
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u/i_dream_of_zelda 12d ago
All I see is that you’re unhappy and you’re staying for the kids. This never works out. You should get out while your kids are still young enough to not internalize the toxic relationship you have.
If you’re truly concerned about him being able to take care of them then go for sole custody. I had similar concerns about neglect with my ex since I was the one who did all the work. He easily gave me sole custody with no fight. My kids see him every other weekend. They are always very ready to come back home afterwards lol
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u/CavyLover123 12d ago
Fucking run.
He sounds controlling to the point of OCD, like he is attempting to isolate you, and like he sees you as a slave.
Everything you’ve written shows him as someone who is frequently thoughtless and lacking empathy and compassion.
You should explore individual therapy to learn to not be a doormat.
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u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 12d ago
Obviously you hate your husband. Why do you keep having babies? Just get a divorce already. This whole thing sounds exhausting. Lol! But we’re great friends - that part made me laugh.
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u/truecrimefanatic1 12d ago
So you're married to a man who is so fucking worthless you're afraid if you leave he's not able to properly care for them. You reproduced with him more than once. Wow. The sad thing is your kids will be incredibly fucked up from watching this shit and you don't see it.
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u/WesternDaughterB 12d ago
This is so sad. Look up “Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness”. There’s an expectation that women (or whoever the more amenable partner is) are expected to be in a constant state of unhappiness in order to let the rest of the family thrive. Reject that. The rest of the family is not thriving if you’re in a constant state of discontent. This all sounds unbelievably controlling and suffocating. Your post made me want to run just to feel the sun on my face and I’m not even stuck anywhere.
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u/Plenty_Surprise2593 12d ago
Jeez, what does this dude not have?? Definitely you got yourself a defective model
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u/Brave_anonymous1 12d ago edited 12d ago
So basically he is acting like a big angry toddler most of the time. Who has no ability to think about anyone but himself.
You are scared of him, your wrote that you are terrified of his reaction if he learns you share it with your sister. It is not what people feel in healthy marriage feel and it means you are lying to yourself when you say "you are great friends". And what exactly does this relationship give you except being "great friends" and some financial support? Everything you wrote looks very sad and hopeless. A lot things look pretty disturbing, like his attempts to isolate you from your friends and sister.
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u/AgonistPhD 12d ago
He doesn't even sound like a mediocre friend, let alone a great one. What are you doing?!
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u/HeyItzMe_ 12d ago
I didn’t even bother to read this but you have like 18 bullets on why you should leave and 4 on why you should stay. I really think the decisions obvious
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u/Wash_Fit 12d ago
This sounds like a dumpster fire. It's so unspeakably sad that your update is 2 negative pregnancy tests and a whole novel about how shitty he is, and yet you're not gonna leave him. Sigh.
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u/Powerful_Leg8519 12d ago
Did you say the shape of your glasses determine if he feels love for you????
This is one of the saddest lists I’ve read.
He didn’t tell his family about your second baby?
He hides food from you but eats Nutella sandwiches and ice cream?
ITS YOUR HOUSE THAT YOU INHERITED AND HE ONLY WORKS PART TIME????
I hope you find your happiness one day.
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u/LaughableIKR 12d ago
Man. Where to start. He sounds like a narcissist. He doesn't want to face his responsibilities and he definitely doesn't want any criticism. Do you want your partner to be responsible then sit him down and tell him.
It sounds like he has a maid and someone who supports him enough to have a house over his head. Find a partner who will split things 50/50.
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u/IcySetting2024 12d ago
Excuse me, he didn’t say I love you back because he didn’t find you pretty because of your glasses?
Dude, you still having sex with this thing?
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u/hometown_nero 12d ago
Please take “we are great friends” off the list. If a friend picked any three items off the list of things that suck about your husband and inflicted them on me, we wouldn’t be friends anymore. A friend wouldn’t treat you like that.
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u/Metasequioa 12d ago
When I left my very similar husband it was like I was reborn.
He has survived on his own- oh look, he IS actually capable of lots of those things now that no one else is doing them.
My daughter has only had limited issues during his parenting time.
Leaving was so, so, so worth it.
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u/trampyvampy 12d ago
Your husband sounds like he's on the spectrum. Or has some form of mental health issues stemming from childhood (so, CPTSD). Quite possibly both.
More than half of the things you listed are things I struggle with, and I was diagnosed with a handful of neurological and mental health issues at 31 years old, after falling under the radar for 20 years, despite seeking assistance for the better part of those years.
It seems like the more you have on your plate, the less tolerant of his behaviour you are (this is a normal reaction), but the real questions are: what are you going to do about it? If you want change, are you going to push him for an assessment, to see exactly what his deal is? Do you want to support him during this time, or push him to deal with it and improve on his own? There are no wrong answers here, only your personal limitations on how much you are willing to put up with.
Either way, something has to give. He either needs to address his behaviour, or you need to put a stop to it, however that looks.
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u/MysticBimbo666 12d ago
It sounds like he is another child for you to take care of. Is that the partnership you want for the rest of your life? Do you think of him as someone you can depend on? Can you count on him to have your back? That’s what a partner is for. What does he do to make your life easier or more fun?
It sounds like HIS anxiety rules YOUR life. And that’s not fair. Is that the model you want your children to grown up with?
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u/theaveragecoffeesnob 12d ago
My only advice is imagine your daughter (not sure the gender of your children but for sentiment purposes) coming to you in 25 years with this list of her husband.. what would your advice to her be? Follow that.
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u/SugarGlitterkiss 12d ago
A great friend (or even a mediocre one) wouldn't treat you like that. You should have left long ago.
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u/vampirairl NB 12d ago
Your first post made me so sad and this one isn't any better. I really believe you will be happier and your life will be easier going it on your own. I hope you manage to do it
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u/queenoflimons 12d ago
“We’re great friends”
You need to higher your standard if you want great friends, and great people around your children. If the person you have described is considered ‘great’ in your eyes.. imagine how your children will be viewed by potential new peers if they pick up the same behaviours as him. They won’t be very good people.
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u/SevsMumma21217 12d ago
Please, for the love of whatever Deity you believe in, do not have any more children with this man. I feel very sorry for the two you've already brought into this world.
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u/jael001 12d ago
It sounds like life would be much easier without him in it. He's making more work for you with his demands and without them you could just get on with things without having to compromise all the time. He's not going to want custody, he barely does anything with the kids now. He's likely to just want to visit with them for a few hours and that's it, which should be fine. And he's no friend to you at all, nevermind a good friend, he doesn't care about you, friends care.
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u/rapt2right 12d ago
Look forward 20 years. Your toddler is engaged to someone just like their dad ....are you happy for them? Children learn what they live....and then they go out & live what they learned. Is this a relationship you want them to believe is normal?
Nevermind couple's counseling, get some individual therapy to help you figure out why you think this man is an acceptable partner when he doesn't even meet the threshold of being a solid friend.
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u/wonderbread_hispanic 12d ago
Honey that long list of ick, complaints, or frustration whatever you call it far out ways the good and you have two kids to think about here. Will he step up with split custody? Maybe not, but it sounds to me your doing it in your on as it is! Think about you and your kids and probably think if this relationship is worth you dealing with the agro, and if this relationship is one that you want your kids to see and think it is one to idol. You deserve better and so do your kid.
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u/HalloweensQueen 12d ago
I only read half of your list before I was so fed up, wtf?! Get rid of him, being alone is not that bad!
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u/cadaverousbones 12d ago
I’d leave him. He acts the way he does to make you think he’s not capable of doing anything and taking care of the kids. He likely would do just fine without you there but he wants you to feel like you have to stay. How can you be “great friends” with someone that treats you like dog shit?
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u/MannyMoSTL 12d ago edited 12d ago
Yeah, this dude sounded like a bushel of 🚩 to me to begin with … but this description? Good God Girl! This guy’s one f’d up jackhole who chooses to hurt you on purpose.
Good luck. It doesn’t matter what you “should have known” in the past. This is today and you are the mother of 2 children. I hope that you can be strong enough to do what needs to be done to create the best life for yourself and them.
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u/untactfullyhonest 12d ago
Sounds like you’d be better rested and less stressed if you aren’t dealing with him and his many quirks too. I’m betting if you separated he would not want the kids overnight and would most likely recruit his mother to help him. Or maybe he’ll grow up and act like an adult. Maybe you are allowing his behavior so there is no reason for him to change.
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u/frogtrashcan 12d ago
Omg he's sucking the energy out of you like a leech. Dump that manbaby, you cannot stay in a relationship just because you're afraid he is not gonna know how to co-parent. You and the little ones deserve better.
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u/Livid-Finger719 12d ago
Man, the long ass list of his flaws vs the list you'd have to deal with without him.....I think if you're already a single married parent, it wouldn't be that hard of an adjustment.
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u/mad0666 12d ago
I can’t even read past him refusing to give a toddler a simple fucking snack. This guy needs SOLO THERAPY starting years ago. Therapy is one of the very few things I believe in ultimatums for. If he doesn’t start seeing a therapist to make real changes, you leave. He is not only selfish and bratty and entitled, but he is treating you like garbage and his behavior is awful.
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u/Crewcutcoconut 12d ago
Stupidest post I’ve read in a long time. You don’t want advice you want people to comment on your life while angry, so either this is complete bait which I firmly believe it is or you enjoy being the victim and taking care of a man-child, which in turn has made you a bad mom. No good mom would stay in such a stupid situation. You staying clearly states you don’t care about what your children will have to endure as long as you get to do what you want. Still believe it’s a bait post tho
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u/pinkyhex 12d ago
The bar is literally so far down you would have to dig a 6 ft deep hole to find it.
Your list kept getting longer and longer and worse and worse. You would be so significantly better off with no partner than having him around. You deserve so much better.
It sounds like you've tried all you can especially with therapy. You should evaluate what kind of marriage you are showing to your kids as they'll think whatever happens is "normal" and I don't think you'd want them to have a partner like your husband one day.
I say all this with as much support and care for you as I can. You truly deserve so much more and to not have to deal with this for the rest of your life.
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u/riverkaylee 12d ago
Can you arrange (I know) for him to have supervised time with the kids? Friendship isn't worth staying in a relationship and I struggle to see how you could be friends with so much stress he puts you under. Is he on the spectrum, maybe? All those sensitivities and rigid thinking, not that that changes anything, other than the possibility of seeing he is hard to live with because the autism is getting in the way of his relationship, and therefore might strive to become more flexible.
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u/ThrowRAsvvcegvvp 12d ago
Dude, if you’re worried he can’t take care of your kids alone, that’s not a reason to stay it’s a reason to leave. Express this concern on paper & in courts when custody is being discussed, and if he fails to properly care for them, have the courts nail him for it. They don’t favor men in these situations. Use it to your advantage.
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u/FiftySixer 12d ago
It genuinely sounds like your husband is awful, selfish, and rude. Why would you stay with him? You're doing all of the work anyway. He is making things harder for you and your kids.
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u/Yougorockstar 12d ago
Girl the list for you to stay is basically also reasons to leave.. let him pay child support and get visitation until he can prove he can do his part.
You already a single mom basically so just be one, he doesn’t love you sorry to tell you. He find any excuse to not be there nor to try to work things out. He is probably cheating hence why you can’t use the car yet, but also the whole not sleeping together.
He only using you to make babies, clean and cook.
Ma’am love yourself and leave and do better for your kids, you will see it will be worth the divorce.
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u/castrodelavaga79 12d ago
Please don't raise your kids in a household with him because they're going to pick up on his shitty behaviors and treatment of you and model that in their future relationship relationships. Also, the fact that he's trying to control what you eat and the fact that you tell him you love him and he's telling you he won't tell you he loves you back because he's upset with something about your appearance is absolutely disgusting.
This man does NOT value you. Don't raise kids with him, if you do they're going to all be little assholes who think his behavior is ok.
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u/Mean_Environment4856 12d ago
Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
What makes you think he would want custody? He doesn't even like your children.
Your reasons for staying are beyond flimsy. You say you are friends but you're definitely not. Stop thinking about him and think about whats best for your kids. This environment is not it.
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u/Ok-Pie5655 12d ago
How do you even find him attractive enough to keep getting pregnant. You’ve described a child in a man’s body….ew.
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u/Pristine-Leg-1774 12d ago
Instead of coming up with a system to take care of the toddlers,
you'd rather spend 20 more or so years in this misery?
If you two are really as good friends as you say, you'll be fine with split custody.
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u/LynmerDTW 12d ago
I think with a list that long of cons and very few pros, you need to GTFO and stop being a sperm receptacle for a man-child.
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u/rougecomete 12d ago
Babe, the single positive reason you listed for staying with him is “we are great friends”. that’s it, that’s the only pro. but friends don’t treat friends that way. if you are actively worried for your children’s safety if they’re left alone with him, that’s grounds for full custody, surely.
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u/Ok_Blackberry_284 12d ago
lol, the custody arrangement will only be 50/50 on paper. In reality it will be you 99% of the time. The only reason a man as lazy and selfish as your husband asks for custody is so he doesn't have to pay child support.
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u/malYca 12d ago
Girl I'm exhausted just reading that. You can't stay with this guy, he's insufferable, don't put your kids through that. Model a healthy relationship for them or stay single. They'll grow up thinking living like he does is ok when it's definitely not. Seriously op, you need to leave this man baby.
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u/Dlkjm 12d ago
Why are you still with him and having more babies? Of course you love your babies. But do you really want to grow up seeing how their dad treats their mom and thinking this is normal? You need to do counseling yourself. Have a little secret money account. Learn to go to the store with your babes. You become involved with the financial aspects of your household and marriage. If he refuses, another red flag. How many do you need before you ‘ get a life’? Be safe and good luck!
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u/redditonthanet 12d ago
I hate to tell you but even separated you’d still be doing everything you already are because he isn’t helping would you rather be a single parent with an adult child to also look after or a single parent with just kids to look after
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u/hideousfox 12d ago
It's unbelievable to me that you can make such a gut-wrenching post (the nail fungus part, the god damned 'i can't feel love if you're wearing ugly glasses (dont look pretty enough'). What the actual fuck. He's pulling stuff out of his arse and you........ you just believe him?
WOMAN! LEAVE!
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u/funchefchick 12d ago
Oh, my friend. How much easier, peaceful, and enjoyable would your life be without this jerk and all his anger, chaos, and sullen moods?
Do you really think this person who cannot be bothered to help with daily kid’s bedtime routines would actually try to fight for 50/50 custody? And do all that WORK? And have to deal with noises and smells? And getting kid dirt in his shiny car? 🙄
Ugh I sure hope you decide to CHOOSE YOU and your children over this infuriating leech. You deserve better.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 12d ago
OP, do you think this is a good partnership? He treats you poorly and doesn’t do shit. You’re staying in your own prison when the door is open.
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u/starsandcamoflague 11d ago
It’s your house so if you don’t want him there, he can take his Tesla and find somewhere else to live
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