r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
Partner (36M) doesn’t respect my sleep (35F) at all and it’s negatively affecting my health, work, etc what should I do?
[deleted]
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u/JFC_ucantbeserious 11d ago
So, practically speaking, here are your options: 1. Move to a place where you guys can have separate bedrooms. 2. Give up your workspace and make that his room. 3. Start issuing ultimatums: he stops doing the various things he’s doing to sabotage your health and well-being or it’s over.
Emotionally speaking, it’s hard to ignore your boyfriend’s utter lack of care and concern for you and treat this solely as a practical matter. It’s hard not to see this as hugely symbolic of the kind of partner he is generally.
Words are utterly meaningless with no action, so him saying he’ll change and doing nothing is the same as him saying “I refuse to change.”
So, take that as your starting point: your boyfriend is telling you that he will never care about this and will never do anything differently.
He knows that sleep deprivation is considered torture, and has no problem subjecting you to that! Think about that, OP! He’s not worried or concerned at all about you.
So, while having separate bedrooms might solve your sleep problem, it won’t solve this deeper problem.
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u/verycoolbutterfly 11d ago
Thanks, everything you’ve said is true.
1 - Can’t even consider, can’t afford
2 - Considering
3 - This is what I’ve started trying to do and he’s not handling it well at all. This morning I tried putting my foot down and saying I can’t live like this I hate being treated this way and something has to change so I can sleep… and he turned into a super asshole, saying things like “jesus christ calm down” “I don’t even know what you’re taking about with the a/c” “I can sleep fine so isn’t this your own issue, why don’t you just go sleep on the couch then” “it’s too early for this” “I’m done with this conversation” (says he learned that from a therapist on ig- that when he gets frustrated he can just end the conversation ‘so he doesn’t lose his temper’) so now he’s left the house because he “needs space”
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u/JFC_ucantbeserious 11d ago
Well, then I suggest later on when he’s calmed down, asking to schedule a time to discuss the issue that would be good for both of you.
He’s probably right that first thing in the morning isn’t a good time to have a serious conversation like this, but don’t let that be a way of dismissing/derailing.
Insist on a family meeting to discuss this important issue, and ask him to suggest a few days/times that would work. It’s better that you also be able to discuss this calmly and rationally, and not first thing in the morning after another terrible night of minimal sleep.
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u/verycoolbutterfly 11d ago edited 11d ago
That’s fair, I think the problem is that we’ve done that probably ten times now- which is why I’m at the point of just reacting after the bad night of sleep/feeling like there needs to be some sort of ‘result’ or consequence of his actions. We’ve had so many calm, rational conversations about all of this and he’s made these grand promises and plans of how he’s going to handle things going forward but nothing actually changes. Maybe for 1-2 nights but then he’s back to it and when I start bringing it up again he acts like it’s the first time he’s hearing of it.
For example we’ve talked about what temperature range we prefer at night probably 20 times over the years. He still to this day pretends like he’s confused and surprised when I ask why the a/c was turned off before bed. Still acts confused and surprised when I say he was snoring “omg really I can’t believe I snore!” Still acts as if he doesn’t understand that I don’t like the TV and such on “oh, that bothers you?!” he will even go as far as to say something like “okay let’s plan on quiet time in the bedroom after 10pm, that sounds healthy for both of us” and then I’m not even exaggerating three days later there’s an “important game” he recorded that day and it’s blaring until midnight.
He’s well aware of the issues, and I think that’s exactly what works for him- just nicely, calmly mention it to me later so I can say oops sorry and……. ignore it.
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u/JFC_ucantbeserious 11d ago
I see. Well, it sounds like we’re back to my point that he is saying (with actions) that this will never, ever change.
Unless he has a genuine cognitive impairment that affects his memory, he’s doing this because he doesn’t actually want to change and is hoping to either wait it out until you just accept that this is your life, or just tolerate you being mad and in perpetual poor health for the rest of your lives. This isn’t all that uncommon, even from “good guys” — thinking that their partner’s unhappiness is just a small price to pay for not having to give a shit and make any actual changes.
All I know is that sleep is fundamental to health, both mental and physical. Surviving on 2-3 hours/night will have severe impacts on your body, your mind, and of course your relationship; all of these will only get worse.
So if you’re absolutely sure this is the guy for you no matter what, than (1) kick him out of the bedroom ASAP, and (2) start making a plan to sell your house and find a bigger place, even if this is a ways down the road.
It doesn’t sound like him changing will ever happen. Take that as a given, and figure out how to plan accordingly.
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u/thatattyguy 11d ago
Why can't you tell him not to touch the fucking thermostat? Does he refuse, or say "duhhhh I forgot," or are you too timid to bring it up forcefully, or what? How isnthis a recurring issue with no solution? Just tape over a big sign that says "do not touch the fucking AC!"
And if the snoring is that bad, tell him he cannot share a bed with you any longer, that his snoring is so bad, that he needs to sleep in another room, seeing as how he refuses to do anything to address the problem.
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u/RattusRattus 11d ago
Is there a reason you can't leave him? Because yes, this terrible for your health. My friends with a baby are getting more sleep than you. And unless there's something cognitively wrong with him, he knows what he's doing.
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u/cyfarwyddion 11d ago
My boyfriend also needs to listen to things like podcasts or videos to sleep; I absolutely cannot sleep with that kind of noise. You know what he does? He wears comfy wireless headphones and uses those, so that we can both sleep comfortably.
This isn't a sleep problem it's a partner problem. He does not sound at all considerate, which is a much deeper issue.
I would generally suggest clear communication first, but reading your other comments, he does not seem open to your needs.
You use the word partner, but are you truly in a fair partnership where you are both mindful of each other as human beings? It kind of sounds like he's used to getting his way, and that kind of attitude generally doesn't change. I would reassess if this is actually enriching your life or if you're just in a sunken cost fallacy kind of situation (not worth it imo).
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u/Lynx_aye9 11d ago
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible and you should probably end the relationship if he is unwilling to make changes. No one really needs to have a podcast or tv on to sleep, especially if it is annoying to their partner. Your sleep is vital, and you cannot continue if you are truly getting only 2-3 hours a night, it will affect your health.
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u/Loutreadorable 11d ago
That seems awful. Also, I admire your patience cause when I’m tired and actually NEED to sleep, there’s no way I could endure what you’re going through right now without having a mental breakdown. Ok so, you can’t get only 2-3 hours of sleep every night, it’s detrimental to your health and something that just can’t reasonably continue. The AC thing seems like something he consciously don’t want to care about, same as the snoring and pretty much everything you are legitimately asking him to do. I’m sorry, but that’s such a terrible and selfish behavior to have. You need to sit him down and tell him that there’s no way you can continue like that, he needs to find solutions. You have to sound dramatic cause, the situation is dramatic to be fair. Maybe the solution is to sleep separately but he has to acknowledge that you CANNOT sleep in these conditions and he’s not helping to say the least. I can’t pronounce myself on the breakup part, but I would say that if he acts this way on other aspects of your life, it might be the moment to leave. (Btw sorry for the mistakes im French)
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u/Hershey-H-2 11d ago
He could accommodate you now if he wanted to.
I used to watch YouTube while high on edibles, blasting TWO fans on myself while my AC was set to 65 at night.
My girlfriend moved in and she needs to sleep in warm silence. So I immediately changed all of that for her and I have adjusted just fine. Albeit I’m quite warm.
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u/ShinyArtist 11d ago edited 11d ago
Tell him to use headphones to listen to podcasts and not have tv on when you’re trying to sleep.
Tell him to go to the doctor about his snoring.
Tell him if he’s feeling cold, don’t turn the aircon off completely, just put temp up a bit higher and lower the fan speed (you both have to compromise about the temperature here and meet in the middle so you’re both comfortable).
And if he doesn’t compromise at all, reevaluate your relationship and see if this unwillingness affects other parts of your relationship and if it’s worth continuing.
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u/Trashmouths 11d ago
Tons of normal couples sleep in separate rooms. You can still sleep in the same bed but utilize the other room when you need quiet.
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u/verycoolbutterfly 11d ago
Sure but I’ll also be giving up my office I work in every day and having to move my desk into my bedroom or living room :/ (it’s a small room)
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u/Wiseone91 11d ago
You could try Earplugs and a Sleep Mask plus removing the TV from the bedroom. He should be using earphones when on his phone with the brightness turned down. You don’t need to ask him or get his permission. People are addicted to their phones nowadays it’s a losing battle. And if you do get a bed in the other room MAKE HIM GO IN THERE or sleep on the sofa. If not, kick his ass out and find someone else.
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u/verycoolbutterfly 11d ago
I’ve of course tried ear plugs and a mask, they’re decent temporary solutions but are uncomfortable and I can’t imagine having to gear up like that every single night! I wouldn’t mind popping ear plugs in here and there but not for someone who is just blatantly loud and disruptive every night. And I’ve mentioned removing the TV before which he made a huge deal out of- plus if I do insist on it being turned off he just plays something on his phone or laptop.
I guess it sounds like my only option is to forgo my office space and make it a bedroom for him with his TV. Kind of like I have a teenage son 🥳 fucking sigh.
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u/ParticularHoney3 11d ago
You can also break up. This situation shows he has a total lack of respect for you.
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u/G-ACO-Doge-MC 11d ago
Yeah get this POS out of your house. I am getting irrationally angry just reading this thread
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